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Changing of the Guard	By : Lomonaaeren Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Draco Views: 58627 -:- Recommendations : 4 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 19
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- 21
Thank you again for all the reviews!

Chapter Twenty�Honesty,
Damned Honesty

�� Draco
watched the shadows flicker across Harry�s face as though they were the shadows
of swimmers underwater. Harry swallowed twice, then reached out and picked up
his wand slowly from the side of the bed. He never took his eyes from Draco.

�� Draco only
stared back. He was certain he had judged the previous terror in Harry�s
expression correctly. There had been a moment when the shock was so great that
the other man could think of nothing but fleeing or striking back. But if he
had been going to do that, he would have done it by now. Draco�s own intact
memory and physical health were proof of that.

�� Brian�s
wand swished once, twice, and Brian�s face vanished. Draco didn�t allow the
fact that he was impressed by the nonverbal reversal of Transfiguration to
show. Of course Harry was powerful; he had known that for a week now. He was
more interested in seeing those flushed features change, and in monitoring his
own reaction.

�� Brilliant
blue eyes changed to brilliant green ones. Draco had been trying to imagine
them, or to invent them out of his own memory, but it wasn�t the same. He hadn�t
been able to capture the way they would shine, or how the terror remained not far
from the surface. Odd terror, he thought idly. Was Harry really that afraid of Draco�s vengeance? Even
though he was the more magically powerful, and he had to know that Draco was
not as angry at him as he could have been, given their emotional connection?

�� And the
scar�the scar was back where it belonged. Draco shuddered a little with the
sensation of rightness that traveled
through him. It now seemed as though he had always known there was something
off in Brian�s face, and had willed him to become Harry Potter even before he
became suspicious.

�� Of course, perhaps that comes from your
trying to rationalize your behavior after the fact.

��

�� Draco told
himself to be quiet, and instead enjoyed the fact that he had Harry Potter in
his bed, naked, armed but not striking, with Draco still inside his body. Draco
shifted his hips a little to emphasize that, and Harry gasped and shivered. A small
reaction, but God, it made Draco
twitch with lust and deeper feelings that he wouldn�t dare try to name yet.

�� Good,� he
said quietly. �Now, I think you have some things to explain to me. And perhaps
you should try being honest this
time, hmm? You know I want the real you, so there�s really no reason to lie.� A
Slytherin would have retorted that there was always a reason to lie, but from
what Draco had seen so far of Harry�s acting skill and temper and readiness to
take up the cause of social justice, he would not react like a Slytherin,
however cunning he might be.

*

�� Harry
controlled the impulse to laugh hysterically. Oh, yes, no reason to lie. Except that you�ve come closer than anyone
ever has to ruining my life.

�� He was
ruing bitterly that he had allowed his emotional involvement with Draco to
become so deep and so complex. Yes, he had enjoyed what had just happened and didn�t
think he could betray it. But it was flying straight for disaster. There was no
way that Harry could simply hand his secrets over to the covetous hands of
Draco Malfoy, and no way that Malfoy would ever relent until he had them. Everything
Harry was, or had made himself,
rebelled against this attempt at intimacy.

�� And as for
Draco saying he wanted the real Harry Potter�

�� You have no idea what you�re talking about,
Malfoy.

�� Lying it
would have to be. But he would have to be oh so careful, because of his own
damn bleeding openness to this. So Harry
relaxed, a little, and dropped his wand to his side, and stared at his chest
for a moment.

�� You�ll
laugh,� he said, aiming for the tone of someone sullen about being found out.
If there was a chance Draco had recognized his more complex emotions, terror
and panic and despair, Harry needed to lay down a false trail at once.

�� Really.�
Draco shifted his hips again, and Harry arched his back in spite of himself. He
hadn�t had someone inside him for this long, ever. As a matter of fact, letting
anyone inside him was rare; he couldn�t afford to lose control like that in a
situation with a client, so he fucked those men if he fucked them at all. And
the ones who fucked some random Muggle bloke with green eyes and tousled black
hair never know who they�d shagged. �I
can�t imagine laughing at anything you do�not in the way you mean, not sneering
and smirking the way I did in school. I can imagine laughing affectionately.�
Malfoy�Harry had to think of him that way, had to, it was the only thing that
would work�lowered his voice. �I�ve seen part of what you can do. I know that
you�ve lied about your magical strength and your emotional strength to the
wizarding world for the last ten years, at least. Perhaps longer. And I
honestly don�t think I would have caught you out if you hadn�t shown that strength
forth in a moment of temper. Tell me, Harry, dear one, what I would laugh at.�

�� Dear one�
was a misstep�too light a name for what lay between them, or else mocking.
Harry flung his head up in challenge, glad to take strength in the jarring
note. Malfoy narrowed his eyes, nonplussed, but didn�t seem to recognize his
own mistake.

�� A pathetic
crush,� Harry said defiantly. �I�ve wanted you for a long time, all right? Even
though I�ve fucked other men and enjoyed it, somehow none of them quite made up
for the dream of you, of having you.
And then it turned out that you came to Metamorphosis and it�there was a chance
I could have you for real.� He closed his eyes. It was no trouble to conjure a
flush onto his cheeks. �This whole thing was the result of some silly schoolboy
crush I never managed to get over. No wonder it went south. I never had a
chance of pulling off this deception when the motive was��

�� Draco
spread his fingers wide over Harry�s sternum, digging his nails in just
slightly. Harry blinked, and opened his eyes. Draco had shifted his hips again,
and then leaned forwards, until his eyes were only a few inches away from Harry�s.

�� Stop
fucking lying to me,� he whispered.

*

�� Draco�s
mood wavered back and forth for a moment, and then dropped straight into fury.
He could not accept that Harry was sprawled here in front of him, their bodies
still joined, the magic that had connected their minds and emotions still
ebbing around them, the air thick and musky with the smell of sex, and lying as
if he expected Draco to believe every word he said.

�� Harry
reared back a bit, and his eyes narrowed. Emotions Draco did not know and could
not read sped under the surface of his gaze. For a moment, Draco wished for the
magical connection back, though it was too intense for everyday use. He would have
given much to know exactly what made Harry so eager to pull away from him. Could
he possibly have another lover? A partner, a commitment?

�� Draco
shivered, his skin stung all over with his jealousy.

�� I�m not
lying.� Harry spoke the words slowly, in the manner that one would handle a
recalcitrant child, adding to Draco�s fury. �I�m not proud of what I did, and
you have every reason to hate me for it.� On the words �hate me,� he swallowed
a little, as if he wanted that result and yet feared it. �You have your triumph
over me now, you know, for every petty insult I hurled at you in Hogwarts.�
Harry looked down at Draco�s hand on his chest for a moment, and his smile was
bitter. �How does it feel to know that I was lusting after you for the past decade,
that I couldn�t wait to get into your bed? That I�d do anything to fuck you, even play a part I obviously wasn�t very good
at playing?�

�� A week ago,
Draco would have believed him. He had been unable to imagine what motive Harry
would have for playing this deception out. He had never imagined Harry could
care for him so much, so perhaps this was the answer.

�� But no, it
could not be. Draco refused to accept the notion that a skilled, accomplished
liar, someone who answered him in bed and in conversation and in dancing the
way Harry did, was at heart the pathetic schoolboy he was trying to portray himself
as.

�� You owe me
more than that,� he said.

�� I can�t
give you more than the truth, can I?� Harry burst out moodily, and lifted a hand
to run it through his hair, tugging fretfully. More and more of his sullenness
seemed to be emerging now, Draco thought, as if he felt free to show it now
that he�d told Draco the secret behind his behavior.

�� Or as if he were trying to make a pose more
convincing, Draco thought, and his fury made him shake. He dug his hand
deep into Potter�s chest, scraping skin up under his fingernails. Potter
watched him with narrowed eyes, then yelped to keep in character with his
pretense, a moment too late.

�� You owe yourself more than that,� Draco told him
quietly. He let no emotions into his voice now. He would use only
concentration, that and the stare of his wide eyes that held Potter�s and would
not let him look away. �You know as well as I do that I couldn�t have that kind
of joining with someone who really would sacrifice everything for the chance at
a fuck. Your motives are richer and more complex.� He bent forwards until he was
near to slipping out of Potter�s body, his breath scraping across the other man�s
ears. �And I want to know what they were.�

*

�� Not a chance, Malfoy.

�� Harry could
feel his breath coming more easily now. This confrontation was more like what
he had been expecting to happen if Draco ever discovered his secret. Anger,
prying, desperation to see to the bottom of Harry�s deception.

�� It was what
Hermione would have done had she uncovered his secret, too. And Harry had a
number of well-honed defensive strategies for that moment; he�d played them out
in his mind time after time. Construct a shallow lie and insist that it was the
truth no matter how many times the other person asked him�that was the strategy
he had chosen to follow. Hermione, or Malfoy, would eventually think Harry didn�t
care enough about them to reveal the truth, and retire in frustration, cursing
him. That would be the beginning of a loss of connections that Harry minded,
minded terribly, but he had to preserve his solitude and his freedom to be who
he needed to be at all costs.

�� So he held
Malfoy�s eyes and mocked him in silence. Yes, it was a lie. Let him know that.
He would never have the truth.

�� Malfoy kept
up the staring contest, as though he imagined that would make Harry break.
Harry had experience with much more accomplished and terrifying people, though,
including Voldemort. So what if his soul flinched a little every time those
gray eyes darkened? This bond Malfoy wanted them to forge could never survive.
Did Malfoy really imagine that he and Harry could be lovers, openly, in the
public, or crusaders for the rights of pure-blood sons and daughters to love
whom they pleased? No. He was not that na�ve. He would gradually recognize the
truth, and someday, when he was married and in possession of the Malfoy fortune
and living the life he was meant to, he might even look back on this moment and
thank Harry.

Harry waited until the silence had
stretched some time, then said, lightly and sharply as sleet, �So. We�ve rather
gone astray from the original goal of making your father disown you. Don�t you
think we should get back to that?� He began to move up the bed, not
incidentally making Malfoy slip out of him.

�� His heart
hurt. God, all of this hurt. But he would choose pain over death. He had chosen
so time and again in his life. Personal pain over the death of others was an
even more familiar choice, and in this case, the hundreds of lives he�d created
during Metamorphosis were all at stake.

�� And if,�
Draco said, his voice so deep that Harry had to pause and listen, he didn�t
have any choice, �I were to tell you that I want you, and what we could have
together, more than I want the future I can have by opposing Lucius?�

*

�

�� Draco could
feel his mouth going dry with his own impulsiveness. All the instincts he had
cultivated over the years were urging him to draw back, to accept that he had
made a mistake and Harry did not want him in the way Draco had thought he did.
And his pride was urging him to glance away as well, to drop his eyes and let
it end. He had already made one enormously brave decision by giving up his
knowledge of Harry�s secret and trying to make them more equal. Why should he
have to continue making the sacrifices? Fuck Harry if he couldn�t respond.

�� But he had
remembered what he could lose, and what he could have, perhaps, if he took the
risk. And the shadows in Harry�s eyes had remained. This wasn�t a withdrawal he
was happy with. He had probably
chosen it only because he was certain that doing anything else would expose him
to more pain.

And why was that? Draco still could
not fathom the reasons that Harry had wanted to hide his power and become
Brian, particularly when he didn�t seem to have used the Brian persona to establish
a truly independent life, but that mattered less right now than having Harry at
his side.

He rolled the dice one last time,
swallowed his pride, and admitted another truth that the magic might have shown
to Harry, but that Harry obviously hadn�t recognized if it had.

And he knew he had chosen aright
when Harry shut his eyes and began to shake.

�� Draco smoothed
his hand back and forth over Harry�s chest, ignoring everything for the moment�the
trickle of semen escaping from Harry�s arse, his own cock lying limp and wet
between his legs, an itch on his upper shoulder blade�but the feeling of smooth
skin beneath his fingers and the way Harry�s breathing quickened, speeding up
into the range which Draco knew meant real distress.

�� He had been
right. Harry understood exactly what it meant for Draco to value the future
with him more than a future with the Malfoy fortune.

�� Harry
swallowed again, and made a low whining noise in his throat, as if to complain
about the general unfairness of life. Draco just kept moving his hand back and
forth. To try and soothe Harry now would be the wrong move, and Draco had made
enough of those today. He would have to wait for Harry�s pride, his strength,
his sense of fair play, everything that was in him, to act as reins and bring
him to Draco�s side. A Gryffindor couldn�t let the plea Draco had just given go
unanswered.

�� At last,
Harry slowly opened his eyes. Tears gleamed at the edges of them, or else a
shine of tears suppressed, and he met Draco�s gaze like a hunted animal.

�� You don�t
know what it would mean for me to agree,� Harry whispered. �I�ve spent�I haven�t
gone out in public in ten years or shown anyone the strength of my magic for a reason, you know.�

�� Tell me.�
Draco formed the words with the shape of his lips alone, putting no breath
behind them.

�� Harry gazed
hopelessly at him, and yet with pride and passion just beneath the surface.
Draco had to work hard to keep from cracking a smile. Yes, Harry could
recognize Draco�s value, and he wanted him, too. Part of him must be reveling
in this even as he fought it with most of himself.

�� I can�t have
a normal life,� Harry said. �The publicity, the pressure of people wanting me
to play their hero even with Voldemort dead��

�� And you
decided that people should think you were a pathetic recluse instead?� Draco
interrupted, because he could not keep
silent. It did fit with what he�d seen of Harry�s behavior, how the idiot had
tried to pretend only a ten-year-long crush had landed him in Draco�s bed, but
the disguise was a revolting one. There was no more reason to adopt it than to
disguise oneself as a beggar instead of a prince, if one must go out in public
masked. Harry certainly hadn�t chosen an ugly mask when he�d created Brian, had
he?

�� Harry gave
him an incredulous stare. �Draco,� he said, �I don�t want to be admired or valued. The more I am, the greater the chance
that someone would look closely at me. The greater the chance of that, the more likely that they would discover
I was Harry Potter. Even if they didn�t, they would try to recruit me into some
game, political or magical or personal.� Harry shrugged, looking away. �It�s
all games, most of the society now,� he muttered. �The pure-bloods play to keep
their culture alive and to arrange marriages that will give them more power.
The Ministry plays to reconcile the differing elements of the wizarding world
to each other without letting on that�s what they�re doing. And there are so
many games between the different Departments of the Ministry itself that just
listening to accounts of them make me dizzy.�

�� Draco was
glad Harry had turned his face away when he had. It gave him a moment more to
arrange his own face into an appropriate expression, instead of the gape that he
wanted to give.

�� Potter didn�t
want to be admired or valued.

�� Now,
granted, Draco could appreciate that Harry was not the attention-seeker he�d
always thought him to be in Hogwarts, but there was a difference between
glorying in attention and wanting, needing, human connection. The fact that
Harry didn�t want other people to smile at him, touch him with gentle hands, prize
him�

�� Something
was dreadfully wrong with Harry Potter.

�� But Draco
doubted he would get more information if he pressed now. It was, perhaps, a
secret Harry would trust him with in time, as their mutual courtship continued,
and he realized how deeply entwined they were with each other�s lives.

�� And the
thought of a mystery he hadn�t discovered yet whetted Draco�s appetite. The
intense magical connections he�d read about between lovers always seemed to
lead to boredom. When they knew everything about each other, what reason did
they have to stay together? But this was delightfully different, a reticence
Draco couldn�t wait to get inside, but was sure would not be dangerous to him;
Harry wouldn�t let it be dangerous to him.

�� He pitched
his voice at the same low, hypnotic level that had attracted and held Harry�s
attention once before. �Everything may be games, but this is a different game,
Harry. A dance. A contest.� He paused delicately. �A love affair. Will you
share it with me? I can think of no one else I would rather have at my side.�

*

�� Harry
couldn�t breathe, for long moments. Even when he could, he felt as though he
had just fallen from a cliff.

�� Suddenly,
many things he had wanted without knowing he wanted them seemed within reach.
He could have them if he simply stretched out a hand. Equality, a partner,
freedom, a shared defense against all the people who would scorn him for revealing
he was gay in public, perhaps love�

�� And then he
remembered what he was, who he was.

�� Someone
could have all that, yes. But that person was not the stretched, thin version
of himself who huddled beneath the surface, nor the personalities he had
created. They were not meant to stand the glare of the full sunlight. And Draco
was falling in love, or trying to be in love, with someone who only existed in
the bed with him.

�� Harry
experienced a desperate, rich, full sadness, stronger than any emotion he�d
felt in years whilst in his own skin, except for the terror when Narcissa had
discovered his identity. There was no way out of this. No way to have it. No
way to let Draco down gently�

�� So it would
have to be harshly.

�� Harry took
a deep breath, the new plan squirming into his head and taking up residence
there. He would assume Draco was telling the truth for now; in fact, he�d
probably used the truth as special sugared bait for the Gryffindor he assumed
Harry still was. He wanted Harry, did he? Then he would seemingly be able to
have him, and then Harry would show him why it couldn�t work. Violently. Inside
a week, so Narcissa wouldn�t reveal her knowledge of Harry�s identity to other
people besides Draco.

�� It would
hurt, but Harry didn�t know a way to break a connection this visceral without
pain. The most important part of it was ensuring that Draco could go on
afterwards, that this didn�t wound him mortally.

�� I don�t think it will, Harry thought,
staring into Draco�s shining eyes. He�s a
survivor. He might end up less trusting, less willing to reach out and touch
someone else again, but I think that�s where he was heading anyway. He never
expected to find this happiness, did he? So he�ll have a few shining moments of
it, and that will have to be enough. It�s better to have loved and lost than
never to have loved at all, as the Muggle poet says.

�� The voice
of his conscience said, cold and quiet and clear: You cannot do this to him. You cannot harm him in such a fashion.

�� Harry, who
had not lived by his conscience but by his need for the past ten years, smiled
at Draco and placed one hand in his. �Yes,� he said. �A different game begins
this moment, I think.�

*

�� I still don�t have him entirely.

�� Draco
wanted to be frustrated for a moment, but the smugness he felt at partially
capturing Harry was too delicious. Probably, Harry�s inexplicable reluctance
was connected to whatever secret he still concealed. But Draco could charm him
out of the one and discover the other, and he was sure that it would only make
him fall further in love with Harry.

�� Could I fall in love with him?

�� If I couldn�t, then I would know by now.

�� Draco
leaned forwards and kissed Harry lightly. Harry returned the kiss with his eyes
half-shut, his lips parting and his tongue darting uneasily around Draco�s, as
though he thought he should somehow kiss differently with his real face
revealed.

�� Now,�
Draco whispered, leaning back, �I think we should discuss the next phase of the
rebellion. I assume that you arranged a meeting with the rest of the dissidents
for a certain time and place. What was it?�

�� Harry
smiled, a half-startled expression, as if he hadn�t thought Draco good enough
to be able to reason that out. �Yes,� he began. �Four-o�clock tomorrow, in an
old house at��

�� There�s a lot you don�t know about me, Draco
thought as he listened, his desire growing. But
now that I don�t have to pretend I don�t know who you are, I can show myself
more honestly and openly. You�re going to fall in love, too, Harry. I think you
may already be halfway there, from what I saw in the magic, but halfway isn�t
good enough.

�� I don�t mind falling, as long as you fall
alongside me.

*

�� SoftObsidian74:
So glad you liked it! Sometimes the touches I put into the sex scenes are
over-the-top or close to it; I�m glad they didn�t seem so here.

�� Narcissa
could still tell other people, which is what Harry is most worried about right
now.

�� SamuraiSaaya,
kalaway, jbj1031965, Christabell, Engwaaearien, Noisette, MeLaiya, Drarrylover,
MeMeMe, avihenda, BloodyRoseBlack, thrnbrooke, Rymika, shinythiefxblast,
Graballz, gentlenightrain, FallenAngel1129: Thanks for reviewing!

�� qwerty: Harry
will avoid fessing up his real reason for as long as he can, because the real reason would mean telling Draco
about Metamorphosis. As for what Harry and Draco plan to do, you�ll just have
to wait and see.

�� DracoHarry:
Harry is playing another game now. It�s what he does.

�� Luvdonite:
Draco is more amused and intrigued than angry now.

�� Mangacat: A
lot of work, yes! But Draco thinks he�s up to the challenge.

�� Calrissan18:
Thank you so much! I do try not to let sex scenes change the power dynamics,
which is why Harry and Draco almost always switch positions in my longer
stories.

�� Draco has,
at the moment, no real idea of the challenge confronting him. But that just
makes him more interested than ever.

�� s2kitty: Harry�s
struggle has become, in large part, one between his intellect and his emotions.
He can reason in one way about the future, but what he feels around Draco has
already tripped him up several times, so he�s not sanguine about just being
able to burst free from it.

�� Nigellica:
Usually it�s every three days. If you want to give me your e-mail address, I can
add you to the update list.

�� Hi-chan:
Harry is actually less confused than Draco, I think. He can see all the
possibilities for this to go horribly wrong.

�� Lunatic
with a hero complex: I�d say the balance has shifted back to Harry for the
moment, with his secret plan. On the other hand, he doesn�t really understand
that Draco realizes he hasn�t got all of Harry yet; he thinks he�s fooled him.

�� Yume111:
Thanks! And yes, this was meant to show that Draco can give up his anger for a
greater cause.

�� Harry means
that he has lied and used illegal (and Dark) spells in the past. Those are
crimes, though he wouldn�t admit to them in public.

�� Caldonya:
Yes, Harry doesn�t bottom much. He doesn�t like letting people inside him, in
any sense.

�� Sp777: Oh,
Harry�s trying to build that wall back up, but it will be much harder now.
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Changing of the Guard