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Nova Cupiditas	By : Lomonaaeren Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Draco Views: 37321 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 1
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Chapter List
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Chapter Twenty�Problems
Twice Over

�� I think
that you need to take a few days to recover, Harry.�

�� Harry
smiled wearily at Hermione over the top of his cup of Pepper-Up Potion. He had
thought he�d better take some this morning, since he was meeting Draco in a few
hours and he didn�t want to stumble around, bleary-eyed and misty-minded, after
being up all of last night. Saying the wrong thing could damage his
relationship with Draco beyond repair.

�� Since when does that matter? You know that you
won�t see him again after this. You could insult him the way you did when you
were a child and it wouldn�t matter.

�� Harry shook
his head and sipped some more of the potion. He wanted them to part as friends,
at least, and to show that they could coexist. He thought Draco might want the
same thing, under the confused feelings that the curse had given him.

�� Harry.�
Hermione put her hand on his. �I�ll be more blunt,
since you seem not to be listening to me. Take a few days to stay home and
think about this, before you go to Malfoy. You�ll go to him now with your head
all mixed up, and who knows what you�ll do or say? You�ve been through a lot.
You�re hurting. You can�t defend yourself if you don�t put your thoughts in
order.�

�� I won�t
have to defend myself,� Harry
snapped. �Draco isn�t perfectly recovered yet, either. He�ll probably still
remember the loyalty and love he felt towards me under the curse, and that
means he�ll be quiet instead of lashing out.�

�� I meant
that you could protect yourself from getting hurt again.� Hermione�s voice
softened still further. �I know that you might feel I haven�t been a very good
friend lately, Harry, and I apologize. But Malfoy won�t come back. You have to
look towards the future and protect your heart from being hurt.�

�� Harry
grunted, and said nothing. She might be right. He didn�t know. He had to hope
she was right, he thought a moment later, because otherwise Draco would still
feel too much for him that was the result of the curse and its magic.

�� Not real.
Nothing they had been to each other was real.

�� Except to me.

�� Yes, it was
stupid and it was childish and it wasn�t something that he could admit to Draco
because it might set his recovery back, but he had, in fact, come to feel
things for Draco that the curse couldn�t excuse or explain. He had never been
under it. And yet he had come close to yielding to Draco�s words of affection
and romance and seduction, false as he knew they all were. He had come close to
wishing that Draco would still look at him the same way when the curse was
partially lifted.

�� I have to fight harder against myself for
that very reason, because giving in and doing what my body and heart want me to
do would be unfair to Draco. He�ll struggle with the curse for a time. He might
struggle forever. I�d be preying on him.

�� Harry
sighed and continued drinking his potion. He knew the danger. He also knew that
putting things further off wouldn�t help, because the longer he waited, the
more dangerous, and higher, the chance that he would convince himself it didn�t
matter if he just hinted to Draco
that his own feelings were real. But he couldn�t do that. Draco needed to be as
free as possible to make his own choices, take his own path. The Seekers of
Justice had tried to take that from him. Harry was going to give it back.

�� Harry? Are
you listening to me?�

�� I can
listen,� Harry said, reaching out so that he could squeeze her hand in return.
He wouldn�t die because he didn�t have Draco, he reminded himself. That wasn�t
possible. He wouldn�t die of a broken heart because his heart wasn�t about to
break. He had his friends, and he would go on.

�� I can always do that. What was the way I
fought Voldemort but just�enduring, through death and the walk there?

*

�� I wish you
to consider the following, Draco.�

�� From
Lucius�s tone, Draco thought he would recite a long list of conditions, but
instead, Lucius handed him a scroll and several photographs. Blinking, Draco
put them on the table in front of him while he studied them. They were all
photographs of pure-blood witches, as he could see at a glance, several of them
familiar to him from Hogwarts.

�� These are
the women that you want me to marry,� Draco murmured. His mouth was filled with
ashes. He licked his lips and tried to think of something else to say, but what
was there? Lucius had told him that he wanted Draco to marry, that it was going
to happen, and that Draco had no choice.

�� Oh, of course not all of them.� His father sat across from
him, smiling as if he had made a clever joke. �Only choose one.�

�� Draco
nodded without looking up, because his eyes would betray his horror and
disgust. Instead, he sorted through the pictures as though he was giving them
serious consideration. Astoria Greengrass drew him for a moment because she
had, along with the pale hair, bright green eyes that reminded him of Harry�s.

�� But they
weren�t as bright, and she hadn�t risked her life for him, and she hadn�t done
something romantic and impossible for him. Draco laid her photograph carefully
aside and looked at the rest. Pretty faces enough, and impeccable lineages and
large fortunes, which he knew would be more important to his father.

�� But�

�� One part of
his mind could intellectually consider the force of that argument, even though
emotionally, he couldn�t feel it. The other part dreamed restlessly of Harry
and lit his blood on fire at random moments, telling him that Harry wouldn�t be
long in finding someone to date or marry if Draco wed.

�� I don�t know if I�ll ever be able to come to
a conclusion about that, Draco thought, as the sensation of jealousy faded
and he returned to his �normal� mind. Harry
couldn�t give me my normal life and mind back.

�� He had to
smile at that thought, a moment later. And if Harry had, what would Draco have
done with the memories of the curse that haunted him? He might not have
remembered them as strongly or clearly, but he would have had to deal with
them. Putting that confrontation off would do no good.

�� Make your
choice as soon as you can,� Lucius said casually, blowing across his tea. �I
would like Mr. Potter to know that, while we are grateful, there is no chance
that he can become part of the Malfoy family.�

�� Draco
froze. Then he reached out and picked up Astoria�s photograph as though he was
considering it more closely, while his mind went quietly back to work.

�� Ah. Of course. This
isn�t about Father wanting heirs soon, or even wanting to take my mind off the
sexual aspect of the curse, the way he told me it was. It�s about Father
wanting to make sure that Harry knows he isn�t welcome in the inviolate little
circle of our family.

�� Draco felt
his lips part in a silent growl. Yes, he could see the reasoning. That didn�t
mean he would ever agree with it. He knew that Harry wouldn�t have demanded
marriage as the price of the cure, even assuming that the cure was full instead
of partial, even assuming that he had been in love with Draco.

�� But I don�t want him to marry anyone else. I
couldn�t stand for that.

�� Draco
grunted and looked up. �I�ll still need some time to think about it, Father. I
want someone more than simply a woman who can bear healthy heirs. She has to be
handsome enough to tempt me, and to have a personality that I can live with.
You were lucky in Mother. I dare not hope I will be as lucky.�

�� It is true
that your mother is a rare kind of prize,� Lucius said, with the kind of
self-satisfied smile that had, more than once, made Draco want to hit hm. �But
you may have your time, son.� He spoke as though he were giving a sweet to a
child, which meant Draco took a bite of toast so that he wouldn�t be tempted to
snap. �Do not take too long. Do not speak to Mr. Potter again. That is all I
ask.�

�� Draco
grunted again and stood up, sweeping the scroll and the photographs with him.
The scroll turned out to list the lineages of the women his father was
offering, the time since their last intermarriage with the Malfoy family, and
the amount of their fortunes, to Draco�s complete lack of surprise.

�� And all the
while that he was preparing to go into the library and act like an obedient
son, he knew that he would rebel. He would see Harry again. He would think. He
would make a choice.

�� It might
not be the one that his father wanted him to make.

*

�� You don�t
want one of us to go with you?� Ron was looking at Harry with wide, concerned
eyes, as if he saw him about to walk off a cliff.

�� It can�t
work that way,� Harry said, with a brisk shake of his head. He managed to keep
his eyes mostly off Hermione, who looked even more upset. He checked his face
in the mirror, and nodded when he realized that he looked calm and not too
pale. That was good. He wasn�t�he knew that he couldn�t go to this meeting with
the intention of winning Draco back. He would just have to hope that things
went well anyway, despite intense desires of the heart pulling him in a second
direction. �We have to be alone.�

�� That�s
what I�m afraid of,� Ron said, just loud enough for Harry to hear him.

�� Harry
pretended that he hadn�t heard anyway, and turned to kiss Hermione on the
cheek. �I hope that you don�t wait up late for me,� he said softly. �I should
be back�I mean, it shouldn�t take me that long.�

�� I�m going
to wait anyway,� Hermione said grimly, looking at him now as though she�d like
to cast an Incarcerous charm. Harry
stepped briskly towards the fireplace. Draco had sent him an owl not long
before noon requesting that they meet not far from the Manor�s grounds. Harry
was planning to Floo to Diagon Alley and then Apparate from there, since he
didn�t put it past reporters to follow him.

�� Or Draco�s parents to spy,
for that matter.

�� Ron, who
Harry knew wouldn�t be waiting since he had to go back to work as an Auror
today, called out softly, �Be careful.�

�� Harry
nodded to him and cast a handful of Floo powder into the fire, which flared.
When he went through into the Leaky Cauldron, he received the usual number of
appreciative glances, but most of the people there seemed lost in both drink
and their thoughts. Harry smiled. Although he hadn�t suggested the time to
Draco, he was grateful that Draco had chosen it. Most of the people Harry would
meet in the Cauldron at this hour of the day were the serious drinkers, the
brooders, with no reason to remember that a hero had passed them.

�� Which you�re not. You�re the hero only in other people�s
minds.

�� Harry
winced as he nodded to Tom and then ducked out of the building and made his way
towards one of the isolated Apparition points. He had to watch out for thoughts
like that one, too. If he thought of
himself too much as a hero, then he might think that Draco owed him something,
and he might ask for�

�� Harry
ground his teeth. What was wrong with
him? He had rescued other people and never wanted this particular thing from
them.

�� You didn�t see them naked, either, his
thoughts whispered back to him. That�s all this is.
It�s lust, not love.

�� Harry
sighed and closed his eyes as he drew his wand and spun around before the
Apparition. He didn�t think that was really true, except in his most cynical
moments, but he was afraid that a
large part of his feelings for Draco were based on pity.

*

�� Draco,
walking in the field near the Manor where he had told Harry to meet him, paused
when he shimmered into sight.

�� He had
expected to feel either more or less than he did. He didn�t think he had a good handle on his emotions right now.
He would make mistakes. He would be withdrawn when he should be forward, and
vice versa. He would snap at Harry over things that weren�t Harry�s fault. Or
he would try to pull back behind a wall of coldness the way that his father
would have and he wouldn�t get it right, leaving Harry to scorn him for not
having the courage of his convictions.

�� He hadn�t
expected the way his heartbeat suddenly seemed to fill his head. Or how his mouth flooded with so much saliva that he couldn�t say
anything at all. Or the way that his hands clenched at his sides as his
mind bulged with emotions.

�� Hi, Draco.� Harry cast him a cautious glance. He was
standing with his head half-bowed, as though he assumed Draco would attack him.
�I�are you all right? Physically, I mean? I wanted to
ask after I halved the curse, but it didn�t seem like the right time.�

�� I�m doing
all right,� Draco whispered. �The aftereffects are mental and emotional.�

�� Harry
grimaced and dragged his hand through his hair. He shouldn�t do that, Draco
thought, almost mindless. Draco should.
�Yeah, I was afraid of that. I��

�� Then he
stopped, and stared. Draco looked up, too, and quickly snatched his hand back.
It had reached out without his permission, arching towards Potter�s head. He�s Potter, Draco told himself, dropped
the hand back to his side, fixed his gaze on the ground, and shrugged.

�� Yeah, I
see,� Harry said, as if Draco had made a declaration aloud. He hesitated. Then
he added, �I wanted to tell you that you don�t have to worry about the
persecution from the Ministry that you might have worried about. I told them
everything, but I gave them the half-cure to Nova Cupiditas that I worked out and
called on my fame. I�d never done that before, and I think Kingsley was kind
of�upset. But he�s agreed to cover up what happened. The only person who might
not agree is your father, but I don�t think he�ll be any too eager to go back
to Azkaban if he doesn�t have to.�

�� No,� Draco
said. His tongue and lips felt numb. He fumbled around for a subject inside his
head and ended up adding, �I�Father wants me to marry.�

*

�� It was like
a blow across the stomach. Harry closed his eyes.

�� Pity and lust, he reminded himself. It�s nothing more than that. It will never be anything
more than that, since you�re separate now and will have to remain separate
until the end of time, to make it fair.

�� I�well,
that�s for the best, maybe,� Harry mumbled. He couldn�t bring himself to sound
happy about it, but he hoped Draco would attribute that to shock rather than
anger. �If you haven�t so far, and he wants a Malfoy heir, then you should have
one before someone else tries to hurt you.�

�� Draco
abruptly snarled at him, eyes slitting as though he were fighting strong
sunlight. �And that�s the only reason you care, is it?� he snapped, his voice
so thick that Harry took a moment to make out the words. �Because if I were
married, I would stay out of trouble,
and keep you from having to perform so many underappreciated heroic efforts?�

�� Harry
blinked and pushed his hair out of his eyes. He didn�t know what had made Draco
react like that, and so he didn�t know whether he should be angry or hopeful or
cautious. �What are you talking about?�

�� I know
that you don�t care about Malfoy heirs and my family�s bloodline and all the
rest of it,� Draco said roughly, leaning forwards as if he assumed that he
would spring on Harry and rend him apart. Harry�s body tensed with eagerness
for that, and Harry shook his head. Draco�s voice sharpened. �So that must mean
that you want me to stay out of trouble, and you assume that a marriage would
do it.�

�� Not what I
meant,� Harry said, starting to get a bit angry himself. Even the knowledge
that Draco was still suffering under the remnants of the curse, and so it made
sense that he would get upset at nothing and otherwise lose control of his
emotions, couldn�t make him calm down. He�d come here to perform the delicate
and painful task of saying farewell, not to argue about something that didn�t
matter. �I only meant that you�ll be moving on with your life, and if a
marriage helps you do that, it�s for the best.�

�� Draco shook
his head. �Moving on with my life. What is that supposed to mean?�

�� Harry�s
fingers curled around air. That was a good thing, he told himself. Draco was
going to row with him if he was back to his normal self; of course he was.
Harry only wished that he didn�t feel short of breath because of it. �You�ll
put the curse behind you,� he said. �The Seekers of Justice didn�t manage to
kill you. The Ministry will track them down now that they have the knowledge I
gave them. Anyone who uses Nova Cupiditas on you again can be stopped. You�ll forget
about this, put it behind you.�

�� Idiot,�
Draco said. His voice was cold with the kind of coldness that Harry thought was
meant to conceal pain as well as anger. �You assume that nearly raping someone,
nearly being raped yourself, is that easy
to get over?�

�� The only
other option is constantly reliving it,� Harry said. He took a step away from
Draco. Maybe it would be easier to think if he wasn�t standing so close and
remembering the way Draco�s lips had looked when they formed some of the words
he�d spoken. All delusion, Harry
reminded himself again, forcefully. �You don�t want to do that.�

�� The option
I want,� Draco hissed, �is coming to
terms with it. Really understanding it, and what it meant, and keeping it from
poisoning my life.�

�� Well,
marriage might help with that,� Harry said. �The emotions you�ll feel for your
wife can�t be anything like the emotions the curse mimicked for me, can they?�

�� Draco edged
nearer. Harry carefully backed away to keep the right amount of distance
between them without looking like a coward. He could hardly tell why they were
rowing, only that it had to be the
right thing to do, since Draco was back to normal now�or as much back to normal
as Harry thought he would ever get�and he must resent the alien things he felt
for Harry.

�� You�re
doing it again,� Draco said. �Acting as though you know me, and you can dismiss
what I think and feel because it doesn�t fit the neat little picture you�ve
drawn of me. Stop it.�

�� Harry
winced a little from the sharpness of Draco�s tone, but shook his head. �How
can I?� he asked. �You can�t know exactly what you feel right now. That�s normal,
since the curse remains attached to you. And I know that we have to separate. I
came here because I was going to tell you about the bargain I made. And now I
should go.�

*

�� The
jealousy, never entirely subdued since this morning when he had thought of Harry
with someone else, flooded through Draco again. And the lust, which had been
renewed by seeing the git stand there as if nothing had happened, except that
his eyes were too bright and he looked at Draco too often for that to be true.

�� And he said�

�� And he
acted�

�� Draco
didn�t know all he felt, but he knew he was angry, and he knew why, and when
Harry announced that he was going to leave because, of course, he was the only one who got to make
decisions about something that concerned both of them, Draco�s temper exploded.

�� He covered
the distance between them so fast that Harry couldn�t have stopped him even if
he had known Draco was coming. He grabbed Harry�s arms and pinned them behind
him at the wrist, then spun him around so that Harry�s back was to his chest.
Draco bent down and spoke certain truths into Harry�s ear, trying to ignore the
way that he felt and smelled this close, while all the� time reveling in it.

�� I�m not
going to listen to you say things like that. You have no idea what I really feel, and you�re not going to walk away.�

�� Harry stood
there and spoke more calmly than Draco would have thought he could. Of course,
Draco remembered, Harry was the one who had faced more dangerous situations
than probably any other wizard alive right now. He had had the time to get used
to them. �I�m not trying to ignore what you feel. I�m trying to help you. How can you be sure of what�s
real and what�s not, when you�re still partially under the curse? The only
thing that would help us is a complete separation, so you can be sure.�

�� Draco
laughed. The sound was too hysterical for his taste, and he stopped after a
moment. �And how do you know that that would help?� he snarled into Harry�s
ear. God, his mouth watered. He wanted to bite Harry�s earlobe and keep chewing
until Harry cried out in surrender. �How do you know that I wouldn�t long for
you, and the emotions wouldn�t fade? The curse is only half-gone. I have to
live with it the way it is, not the way I wish it could be.�

�� The last
thing he expected after that speech was for Harry to draw in a pained breath
and shut his eyes.

�� I� m so
sorry, Draco,� he whispered. �I should have come up with a way to destroy the
curse completely.�

�� Draco shook
him so hard that Harry�s head flopped back and forth. Rage rode through him
now, rage that he could recognize was born of confusion and despair without
being able to do anything about it. It didn�t matter how many times he said it,
he thought. Harry still wasn�t listening!

�� This isn�t
about you, you great, stupid git,� he
hissed into Harry�s ear. He thought Harry�s eyes had fluttered open in shock,
but he wasn�t really sure. �You�re always taking the opportunity to be a martyr
or a masochist, and you�re not seeing me the way I really am. Look at me! Don�t
hide from me behind the wall of your own guilt.�

�� Harry
twisted around so that he was staring up at Draco. Draco stared back, and
wondered what those green eyes, which were wide with fear or pain or both at
the moment, actually saw.

�� Not enough,
as it turned out. Harry lowered his head and shook it back and forth, his face
bright with self-loathing. �You can�t be sure of what you feel
right now, since the curse manipulated and controlled your emotions,� he
muttered. �It�s still controlling your emotions, for all you know. You��

�� If that�s
the case, then I�ll have to bloody well live
with it, won�t I?� Draco snarled into his face. �Contend with every
feeling. Scrutinize every thought. But not
hide from it, not pretend that
the curse doesn�t exist or doesn�t matter, and not spend the rest of my life distrusting myself because I can�t be
sure. Sometimes I�ll be sure.
Sometimes I�ll act. And the sure thing I know right now is that this isn�t
over, no matter what.�

�� He fastened
his mouth over Harry�s and kissed him as hard as he could. Harry made a choked
sound, his eyes wide. Draco smirked against his mouth, and then flung Harry
away and stood back, panting.

�� That felt
good,� he said.

�� Harry
touched his lips as if he expected to find bruising forming there. Then he
shook his head a little. �Because of the curse,� he said.

�� No,� Draco
snapped. �Because it did. Because my body still
responds to yours, curse or not. And you want to do it again. I can see it in
your eyes,� he added, when Harry opened his mouth as if to deny that. �Unless
you�re going to tell me that you�re somehow
affected by the curse, now, despite not having it cast on you?�

�� Harry�s
frown deepened. �I�m affected by its existence,� he muttered. �Of course I am.�

�� Draco
nodded. �We�re connected. And this isn�t over. I�m going to go away and think
some more now. And you�re going to go
away and do the best you can to get over your guilt. I�ll hunt you down
otherwise,� he added casually, enjoying the flash of panic in Harry�s eyes.

�� He turned to
stride towards the Manor, but had to pause and say over his shoulder, �You were
concerned about the curse affecting my integrity and my freedom as a human
being. Well, the only one who can make decisions for me is me. When it comes to decisions about the both of us, you can
participate, of course,� he added generously. �But you don�t get to take my
choices away because of what you fear. That�s what they did.�

�� Harry�s
eyes flashed before he lowered them. Draco smiled. This might be a useful way
to employ Harry�s guilt.

�� And away he
went, feeling as though he walked in sunlight for the first time in weeks.

*

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Nova Cupiditas