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The Long Road	By : SinisterMe Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Snape/Remus Views: 63598 -:- Recommendations : 3 -:- Currently Reading : 18
Disclaimer: This is a work of fan fiction using characters from the Harry Potter world, which is trademarked by J. K. Rowling. This story is purely for entertainment purposes, no money is being made from it.

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How long Severus had drifted off for was anyone’s guess. He woke suddenly, gazing around the room and seeing no reason he should have woken so quickly. Peering at the clock, he saw that there was still some time until the third phase of the Wolfsbane would need to be started; that meant he’d maybe gotten two hours of sleep, better than he had been hoping for at any rate.
Remus was still slumbering, his chest resting against Snape’s side. Severus could feel heat coming off of the other man’s body; Lupin’s hip pressing on his thigh accompanied by the firm pressure of an erection unmistakable against his leg. Snape stilled, he wasn’t sure exactly what he should do. He shook off the couple hours of rest he’d managed to get, wondering if it wouldn’t have been better not to sleep at all; he’d probably be more aware right now. Lupin might react badly upon waking like this, but he didn’t really see a means of escape that wouldn’t rouse the other man. He settled on a course of action and went for it, cupping his palm over Lupin’s arm, rubbing it gently.
“Remus,” he said softly, not wanting to startle the other man.
Lupin’s lashes fluttered, his eyes opening blearily. He looked momentarily confused at finding Severus beside him, reality flooding back slowly.
“Good morning, Remus,” Severus said, leaving his hand where it was.
“’Morning, sir,” Lupin yawned. Then his entire body froze briefly before he pushed himself away from Snape and to the far corner of his side of the bed with lightning speed, his face the absolute likeness of terror.
Snape had been expecting something, although perhaps not a reaction this severe.
“Remus, it’s going to be alright,” Snape gentled; gods and first thing in the morning too! “Take a deep breath, and for the love of Merlin, don’t fall off the bed.” He tried to inject some humor into the situation, not sure if Remus would be open to that at this point. Lupin struggled to move himself out of danger and onto the bed a little further; he didn’t seem to want to get any nearer to Snape, however.
“Forgive me, sir,” Remus asked piteously, raking a hand roughly over his face in distress. How in the world had any of this happened? Before Snape’s ministrations in the bath, he hadn’t even known he still could get hard, he had thought that his body was forever ruined that way. Now here he was sprouting erections as if he were a horny teenager all over again. Of course it had to be right in front of Snape too; the man was probably livid.
Severus had neither time nor tolerance to allow the man to destruct for too long. Despite that he used a voice unlaced with anger or impatience, “Remus, come here.”
Lupin edged closer, then closer still, clearly not wanting to disobey. Severus draped an arm around him, his fingers stroking the other man’s lower back lightly. Other than that he made no movement. It took a few minutes, but Snape lay there quietly, feeling the muscles in Lupin’s arms and back un-tense slowly.
“I’m sorry sir, I don’t know what got into me,” Remus said.
Snape almost had to bite his tongue to keep from making some variation of totally inappropriate joke. Instead, he said, “You’re old enough that I don’t need to explain to you that it is a natural function of your body, Remus.”
“It is one thing to make allowances for me sir; it is another to have those allowances humping your leg like an untrainable dog,” Remus bit out venomously.
“Don’t be so hard on yourself,” Severus said, not knowing if such a statement had ever actually aided anyone. It had certainly never helped him when someone had said it. “You were asleep, warm and comfortable, with another body next to you; maybe you even felt safe. It doesn’t offend me, Remus.” He was faltering over his words; because really, how could one fight a conditioned response with logic? “One day perhaps, you will feel comfortable enough with me that you won’t even worry about it.” Wishful thinking on his part, perhaps; he wasn’t sure why he even said it.
“Perhaps, sir,” Remus agreed. He was completely deflated now, in more ways than one.
Snape leaned forward and brushed their lips together chastely. “When I can, I will respect your body; and if I can, I will help you to experience the joy your body is more than capable of.” He hoped he’d said that right. He hadn’t given his word, hadn’t promised anything other than that he would do what he was able to. Severus hoped that was good enough.
Remus took a shuddering sigh and bowed his head, which felt like it was spinning and there wasn’t even that healing potion to blame for it. As always, Severus Snape had him wondering, but he’d never thought he’d have to navigate waters like this with the man. He found himself desperately hopeful that Severus was telling him the truth.
“Sir, I can understand you taking care of Teddy; but me?” Remus wondered if that question voiced what he’d actually wanted to say.
Severus moved closer to him, helping Remus to move so that his head was resting on his shoulder. “We are all in this together, in one way or another. Any reason I have to be spiteful towards you is decades old; I’ve done my best to forgive you. I see no reason for us not to try and make the best of this situation, in any way possible.”
Remus couldn’t help but take comfort in the simple physical contact the other man offered. In some ways, it made what Severus was saying more believable. Even though the idea of being forgiven by Snape for anything was near mind blowing. The man really did know how to hold a grudge when he wanted. Seeing that he was willing to touch him casually; intimately even, and show no revulsion was relieving. Even when Macnair was fucking him he had made it sound like a chore, like taking out the garbage or cleaning one’s kitty litter. Here, it wasn’t that way at all, Severus seemed to find value in him; what it was he could possibly see of worth, he wasn’t sure.
“I have some information for you to digest later today, if you’re feeling up to it,” Severus said, carding his elegant fingers of one hand through Remus’ sandy hair.
“Of course, sir. What is it?”
“Papers and transcripts from the war and the trials. All of the information you’d requested when you first arrived here is at your disposal, and more. I will give you time to go over it while I am brewing today. If you’d rather spend the night in your own room after reading it, I will understand.” He almost regretted doing it. If Remus chose to leave when he gave him the option, how could he force him to stay? It would go against everything he had intended to accomplish when he took all of this on.
“That is very considerate of you sir; I’d thought you’d forgotten.” Remus wondered if it was wrong to enjoy lying here, enfolded in his master’s arms, his undemanding touches smoothing over his skin. He’d have to say he felt more like a blushing virgin than a used up concubine since coming here, which was in interesting and unexpected turn of events to say the least.
“We really should get up and moving. I’ll get you a loose shirt to wear and set you up in the chair so you can join Teddy for breakfast. Though this time please, when you are tired later today just ask Fred to put you in bed, either bed, any bed; just so long as you are resting. I’ll do your treatments tonight after I’ve finished with the Wolfsbane.”
“Yes, sir.” Remus said. He felt quite silly about the whole sleeping arrangement thing from the other night, but really, he was just getting used to the feel of this place. Severus seemed to be a very accommodating master so far, but he wouldn’t dare to test his boundaries too quickly unless he needed to.
Snape slowly pulled away from him, helping him to lie back on the pillows. He stood and dressed swiftly before moving Remus to the chair and helping him into a shirt on with what seemed like practiced efficiency. He performed the bowl evacuation charm and levitated the chair out of the room.
He had them all down at the breakfast table in no time. Severus found that he had no appetite, so settled for a large mug of black coffee instead. Fred had opened the window and was serving what appeared to be crepes and fresh fruit to the Lupins, seeming to know that Severus was not in the mood to eat even without being told. Severus managed to get through three quarters of the cup before the alarm on his wand was going off.
“Fred, would you please see to it that Remus is made comfortable and given time to go over that box of papers in the front closet. Make sure he has everything he needs,” Severus sounded very somber about it.
“Yes sir, Fred thinks he is understanding.”
Clever shit probably did. “Thank you, Fred.” He stood and walked to the lab door, ruffling Teddy’s hair affectionately as he went. He would have to be careful, he was getting complacent and letting too much show in almost every interaction he had with the lycanthropes, be they separate or together.
He put a bubble head charm in place and got immediately to work, looking forward to something complex to get his mind off of everything going on around and within him. There were few potions better for that than the Wolfsbane.
He worked long into the afternoon, even when the time permitted it he just stayed in the lab, working in his translations and on defining the parameters of the bond he would share, however brief it may be, with Remus. The potion would need to simmer all night, the first dose of both of them being administered tomorrow and then once a day, every day up to the full moon.
Severus bustled about continuously, cleaning and sterilizing as he went, putting everything meticulously away in its place. He tended the potion as needed, adding and preparing and stirring when the time was right. Before he knew it the potion was in its final stage, it needed to be left undisturbed for a time and then turned down low enough so as not to get below the temperature that would render it useless.
He ascended the stairs, finding a plate of food waiting for him on the counter. Other than that there was no sign of anyone on the main level, or at least the areas they usually habituated. He sat down and ate his supper cold, a blend of fish, vegetables and rice, though he tasted not a bite.
Upstairs, he found all three of them in Teddy’s room. He could Hear Remus voice reading the words to The Hobbit, sounding sure and confident in voice and in tone. He paused, listening in the hall; he’d not heard Lupin sound like that in years; perhaps since he had listened in on one of his lessons during the year he had taught at Hogwarts.
Shaking his head to clear of it of whatever was cloying at the edges of his mind; he turned and went to the bathroom. Severus went over his routine, showering his body as efficiently as if it was a beaker in his lab, drying off and dressing again. He would wait until Teddy was in bed and Lupin was moved into one of their rooms before going to talk to him about the information he’d gone over. Severus hoped he’d had time to go over all of it, having only half of the information could be very leading and very dangerous.
Severus sat in the armchair in his room by a dead fire. He thought about what he would say to Remus’ accusations and outrages, if he was brave enough to express any of them. The truth would probably be for the best, but in the end it would be up to the other man if he would believe him or not. Even if he did believe him, the chances were good that he wouldn’t be able to forgive him for his actions nor be able to move past them. It had held true for most of the Order; how could he blame any of them? He certainly hadn’t forgiven himself and there was very little ‘moving past it’ he found himself capable of.
He didn’t know which Remus would take in a worse light, what had happened with those werewolf cubs or the fact that he had looked Albus in the eye and still somehow summoned the intention to kill him. He would accept what Lupin would have to say stoically, for how could he refute it? How could he become enraged with something he already knew to be true about himself, no matter who said it?
After stewing for some time, he stood and went to see what Lupin was doing, if he had decided to sleep in his own bed or not. Across the hall, he found Remus sitting up on top of the blankets of his bed, back against the headboard, legs uncovered; Fred must have moved him here. He was still dressed, and he met Severus’ eye immediately when he came into the lit room.
Severus would normally have greeted Remus but he found himself suddenly unsure of how to address the other man. “May I sit down?” he asked instead.
Remus nodded, “Of course, sir.”
“You have had a chance to look everything over?” Severus sat in the chair by the bed.
“Yes, sir,” Lupin said blankly.
“Have you… had enough time?”
“Yes, sir. Why did you show me all of this?” Remus asked.
“For me to do anything less would have been to lie to you about who you’re going to be living with; who was responsible for your son. It wouldn’t have been right for me to omit things of this magnitude.”
Remus cocked his head, giving Severus a mournful look. “But… honestly, Albus, sir?”
Severus hung his head, expecting nothing less. “I-” his voice broke. It had been a long time since he’d been required to speak of this aloud; he found it hadn’t got easier with time. “If you read it all then you know that he asked me to do it; when I denied him, he ordered me to do it anyway.”
There were tears in Remus’ eyes. “I can’t believe he would ask that of you.”
Severus sighed. “Yes, well neither could the Wizengamot at first. It took the combined pensieves of Albus and Poppy Pomfrey as well as the entire contents of my mind and the testimonies of key Order members and Death Eaters alike to convince them that I hadn’t murdered him in cold blood.” He knew that bitterness was pouring from him like water from an overturned pitcher. “Albus hadn’t thought that far ahead, I suppose. I really wasn’t expected to survive the war.” What lay implied in that statement was that he really was supposed to die, it would have been the neatest way to tie up all the loose ends.
“I didn’t mean it like that, sir,” Remus said, hair on his neck raising as he caught onto the meaning of Severus’ words. “I meant that you were closer to him than any of us. To ask that of you-” Lupin was shaking his head.
“It had to be done. He was dying anyway, slowly and in pain despite all of my best efforts; we were going to lose him. At the same time, Draco was appointed by the Dark Lord to kill the Headmaster and Albus begged me to do it instead to spare the boy’s soul the destruction of the act. His death would be key in the war, that way. It would propel me into the Dark Lord’s highest ranking, the information I would be key to would be staggering.”
“And what of your soul?” Remus said softly.
Severus shook his head. “I had no soul left, even at that point. Though I love my godson with all my heart, I begged him not to ask it of me, like I had never begged for anything in my life. He allowed me to kneel there and then commanded that I do it anyway. He put his hand on my head and told me it would be for the greater good, but I couldn’t see it. After, it was the plan that I would go deep underground, get in as far as I could with the inner circle, get out any information I could to the Order.”
“But that wasn’t what happened, not really,” Remus filled in for him.
“No, it was not. I was assigned to something that did not garner much information at all. I was punished greatly for going outside my Lord’s wishes and doing Draco’s job for him. At the same time it propelled me to being one of Riddle’s most trusted lieutenants. Such was the dichotomy that existed in his ranks. However… there is nothing I can say that will explain or excuse what happened to those children. I didn’t kill them; Greyback murdered them all while I was with Riddle. I never beat or starved them. I did what I could to make their lives bearable; though it sanctions nothing, excuses nothing.”
“And you performed tests on them,” Remus voice was unreadable, as was his face.
“Yes,” Severus felt like he hadn’t met the other man’s eye the entire conversation. “I did. If it makes you feel any better, none of them died from the potions I gave them; I was careful they would not be in pain when I could prevent it.” It had never consoled him one bit.
“The transcripts said you managed to help some of them escape?” Remus looked at him, head cocked to the side as if he couldn’t figure out why Severus would do such a thing.
“Four of them. Three girls and a boy. I fabricated their deaths, one at a time, claiming it was a side effect of one of the trial batches. I smuggled them out, unconscious in makeshift coffins; I had someone on the outside take them away. Their testimonies were taken privately by the Ministry and played into the verdict of my trial; or the at least the testimonies from the two of them they could find. It was all for nothing anyway, getting them out, what with the implementation of those Non-Human laws. I just helped them escape from one hell into another.”
“At least they were alive,” Remus said.
There was nothing Severus could say to that. His name had been kept out of the papers where the cubs were concerned. It had been one of the segments of his trial that hadn’t been widely publicized. The lycanthrope children, however, had been in the paper for days, the story of their tragic turning and eventual deaths had captured the public. He was somehow found not guilty on all charges, based on the fact that he had continuously supplied information to the Order, among other things.
Remus puzzled over what Snape had told him and the accounts he’d read. Hearing the words from the man’s own mouth was much different than reading them on the pages he’d been given. He saw the look that flashed across Snape’s face at the mention of those cubs.
“I thought you were being sarcastic when you brought them up the other day,” Remus was almost ashamed to admit.
“I can understand if you believe me to be even less suited for the task of mentoring your son than before.” Snape could understand if Lupin didn’t want him within ten feet of his son, knowing what he knew now.
Remus seemed to think it over. “I haven’t seen you be anything but good to my son.”
“But you see now what I’ve done, only a couple of the things that I’m actually capable of. I will have absolute control over the two of you. Doesn’t that concern you at all?”
“Of course it concerns me; it would concern me if anyone was in that position, sir.”
“If you wish, I could put the two of you up for auction after the bonding,” Severus blurted out all at once.
“What?” Remus asked. He had a hard time following Snape’s train of thought sometimes.
“I have a large percentage of the Dumbledore fortune at my disposal. It could be decided ahead of the auction who would be taking you both in. I would give them the key to the vault; there is no doubt that they would be the highest bidder. After our bonding, Macnair’s will would lose its power because we fulfilled it and we would have a larger chance of succeeding at something like that.”
“Sir, if you want to be rid of us there are other, less elaborate ways,” Remus sounded close to upset about it.
“I don’t want you to be bound to someone you can’t stand the sight of. I murdered someone who was very close to you.”
“Then why did you accept the inheritance?” Remus winced. He hadn’t meant it to sound quite like that; Albus had been very close to Severus as well, he tried not to forget that.
“Because I know the types of people that would be at that auction house. Because Albus would have wanted it done. The four of you were like sons to him; he would never want that for you or your boy. If he were alive he would have convinced me to do it regardless.”
“You did this – for Albus?” Remus tried to wrap him mind around the concept.
“It isn’t that simple. I murdered him, Remus; the least I can do is to live my life in a way he would approve of if I hadn’t.” Severus wasn’t sure he’d ever said those words aloud before, let alone in front of another person. Well if he was to have power over Remus, it should go two ways, at least a little.
Remus gave him a long look. “He asked you to do it, sir. I don’t think you have to spend the rest of your life making up for it.”
Severus brought his hand up over his eyes, taking a second to compose himself. No one had ever said that to him, or anything even close. He had not even allowed himself to think it. After the last set of trials he went on his way, leaving behind most everyone he’d known from times before, not being able to handle their looks of pity and hatred. None of them had understood, or had tried to understand what he had had to do. Yet Remus was ready to wipe it all away in an instant, with those two meager sentences.
“I will allow you to think about it. We will discuss it again after the bonding. You will be given free choice in this matter; I will not attempt to persuade you either way. If you wish to stay, you are very welcome; if you wish to go, I will aid you however I can.” It was all he could do; there was no wiping the bond away, no undoing it completely, only transference and change, as much as was allowed at any rate.
“You would really let us go to another master if we wanted,” Remus repeated.
“That’s what I’m saying, yes, if it is possible and you wish it; you have my word.”
Remus got the impression that that was as good as a Wizard’s oath, coming from Severus.
“It’s getting rather late; I haven’t really slept in the last couple of days,” Severus acknowledged reluctantly. “I can help get you into bed properly; then I’m going to head that way myself.”
Remus’ face took on a look of distress. “You wish to sleep alone, sir?”
This was unexpected. “Not if you would prefer I took you with me.” That couldn’t be what Lupin was meaning.
“If you wouldn’t mind, sir,” Remus blushed. “I seem to sleep the night through, when I’m in your room.”
“Alright then, brace yourself; I’m going to levitate you into the chair.” Severus couldn’t imagine why Lupin would volunteer to spend any extra time with him after learning some of the dirtier facts of his life during Remus’ lost years. He cast the charm, setting Remus down on the chair in an upright position.
He then levitated the chair and walked across the hall, Lupin in tow. He set the floating furniture down on the floor near the bed, as had become the routine. He gathered the supplies so they were within arm’s reach and knelt as he had the evening before, having found it easier than with Lupin lying down. Also, this way he got to move Remus’ legs around, hopefully stretching the muscles there. Tomorrow Lupin would be due for another medicated bath to prevent the stiffening and withering of his muscles and tendons.
He gave Remus first a dose of analgesic potion and then a dose of the healing potion. He went through the process of tending to Lupin’s feet. The one of them was mostly healed, only a section on the sole of the foot seemed to be in need of attention. All the same he slathered the entire foot with the salve and worked it in.
Looking up, he saw that Remus wasn’t looking at him, his eyes closed and his face turned away. He supposed it was because the other man was still uncomfortable with the sight of him in such a deferential position. He carried on, wrapping the foot and tending to the other one, which still seemed to be doing rather poorly. He hoped that when everything else was healed, Lupin’s body would have energy to heal this appendage; that at the moment it was just working on what it could manage. He quickly finished the task at hand, rising slowly.
“I’m going to move you over to the bed,” Severus said. “If you have changed your mind, this is the last opportunity for me to move you back to your room.” He knew that once he was horizontal, not much would make him move from that position.
“I haven’t, sir,” Lupin said, sure of it even as the potion began to swirl around his brain.
“Alright,” Snape agreed, casting the levitation charm and moving Remus so that he was floating over the bed. He unraveled the bandages from around the other man’s middle, finding nothing but smooth, hairless scar tissue. He spread the potion that would reduce the scarring carefully and efficiently, casting a protection charm over it to prevent it from being wiped away while Lupin was sleeping.
He helped the other man under the covers and quickly changed into his pajama bottoms. Severus climbed into bed, easing himself down on the mattress so his head was on the pillow, pulling the covers up around his shoulders as he had for Lupin.He had decided not to push the issue of physical contact for the evening. One, he was too exhausted and two, Lupin probably needed more time to think.
“Sir?” Lupin asked, unable to stay silent.
“Yes, Remus?” Severus asked, his eyelids already feeling heavy.
“When you said that I always had permission to touch you, did you really mean always?”
That was the last question Severus had thought the other man would ask. “Yes, that is exactly what I meant,” he clarified.
Remus didn’t respond immediately, but he rolled onto his side towards Severus, so close that Snape could feel the other man’s body heat but not the actual contact of his skin.
“You don’t talk about the rest of the Order, sir,” Remus stated.
“I haven’t seen most of them in years, though Minerva still sends me a card at Christmas.” Severus failed to see where this part of the conversation was going.
“Did they didn’t understand what you had to do, sir?”
“No they didn’t, and I daresay they never forgave me for it either, not that I blame them. They provided the information needed to keep me out of Azkaban and away from the Dementor’s Kiss, but that didn’t mean anything other than they were respecting Albus’ wishes.”
Remus was quiet again before saying quietly, “I forgive you; the harder part for me will be forgiving Albus for asking that of you.” Lupin’s fingers ghosted over his arm almost imperceptibly.
“You must be joking; I killed him, Remus.” No one had ever said that to him; Lupin couldn’t be serious.
“I guess it doesn’t mean much coming from your slave; but I know the man I used to be would still feel the same, sir. I spied for him too; not as long or as in depth as you, so I know how his mind works better than most of the others. He never so much as sent a birthday card without some ulterior motive. He saw everyone as expendable for the cause, if the gain was to be great enough; apparently he saw himself that way also.” Remus hand was now resting completely on his arm, its hesitancy apparently gone.
Severus was speechless. “I- thank you.” What else could he say with his throat closing up like that? He would never have guessed it would feel so good to have someone say that out loud; to forgive him for something he couldn’t even forgive himself for.
“I’m still deciding what I think about the situation with those cubs, however. I hope that’s alright.”
“Of course it’s alright,” Severus said tiredly. He closed his eyes. “He turned them; all of them, before I was even assigned to the project. I would not have made that potion, Remus, even if the Dark Lord himself came down there and executed all of us if I failed. They would have given it to all of the packs, their strength would have been unmeasurable and there would have been no hope of us winning.”
“So you never even tried to brew the actual potion?” Remus asked.
“No, I never tried to brew it. I stumbled across something that quite possibly would have worked, with a little refining and a couple of proper trials; but I left that information out of my notes, destroyed the source material and buried the information so far in the back in my mind that I’m not sure I could find it myself right now even if I wanted to.”
“You found something that would really work?” The prospect was horrifying.
“Nothing is certain until it comes to be, especially with brewing hypotheses; I never pursued it. I didn’t want to know if it worked or not; having seen a fully transformed werewolf without the Wolfsbane in their system on many occasions, there was no desire in me to trap someone in that shape for longer than necessary for any reason and there still isn’t.”
Remus was quiet again, thinking over what Severus had said. “They were still just children, sir.”
“Yes, they were. I did what I could for them; but I couldn’t let myself be replaced. If I could happen across the information needed to start real experiments, someone else could as well. Under no circumstances was anyone to create that potion or it would have meant the lives of hundreds of people’s children; maybe the survival of the world as we know it. Albus would have wanted me to do it.”
“Yes, I suppose he would have,” Remus said in contemplation.
“I did the best I could, Remus,” Severus admitted.
“You always have, sir, as long as I’ve known you,” Remus said, startled by how much affection he heard in that one statement; damn potion was making him batty.
“Goodnight, Remus,” Snape said, not sure how much more of this line of conversation he could handle tonight.
“Goodnight, sir,” Remus replied, his hand applying light pressure to where it rested on Severus’ arm.
Snape drifted off to sleep at an amazing speed; normally after even thinking too hard about these things, let alone speaking aloud of them made his head spin. Perhaps it was exhaustion and perhaps it was the fact he’d finally been forgiven for something, anything, but he slipped away into a peaceful slumber.
Remus, on the other hand stayed awake for a while, looking through the darkness at his master, trying to figure him out, if only a little. Albus was dead and he still seemed to be influencing almost everything Severus did in his life, for better or for worse. Yes, he’d done terrible things, but he’d tried to make up for them at least. Hell, it had been war; they’d all had to do atrocious things to survive and to get through. He thought it over, trying to sum up what his son had told him this morning and what he’d read earlier today and equal it out to the man lying beside him finding that he couldn’t. It seemed Severus Snape and his motivations defied calculation, or at least his calculations.
He closed his eyes and settled in against Severus, deciding to sleep and to play everything by ear. It seemed like the safest plan to him.
A/N: Thank you for all of your wonderful thoughts and insights! I’m a little further ahead in my writing than my posting and I’m attempting to address all of your questions and even a few suggestions. Please let me know what you think of this chapter; of course there is more to come soon!
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The Long Road