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Waking up	By : Pegasus Category: Harry Potter > Het - Male/Female Views: 2782 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of the Harry Potter characters. I gain nothing from publishing this, no money, no fame, no fortunes.

Chapter List
- 19
- 20
Chapter 19
The days past and late summer was beginning to turn into early autumn. Sophie was recovering fast. After a little deliberation Severus had decided to bring her some potions, labeled as herbal medicines of course, to help her body cleans itself from the poisons that the muggles called medicine. Her hair had started to grow again. An interesting shade of brown…lighter than chestnut brown but at the same time darker than it too, always depending on the way it was caught in the light. He found it fascinating. Equally fascinating was her curiosity for everything new. She was like a child when they went for short outings into the cliffs. Asking endless questions about these plants and those, pointing out this bird or that one, talking about sea life and all it’s splendour. Her enthusiasm was intoxicating… at least to the degree he allowed himself to feel it. Her eagerness for life was … he had no way to describe it. She was just recovering from an episode that meant facing her own very real mortality. Most people's reaction, he suspected, would be to embrace live with all its fulness in any opportunity given. And that was what she was doing. But it wasn’t as annoying as he had expected her joy to be. On the contrary, he sort of managed to let her infect him with it. And this often brought him back to how he had felt when he realised he was going to survive the snakes’ attack. The moment when he had realised he was going to live, he was not dead. For him there had been no joy in this thought. Only pain. But now it was as if he could experience it again through Sophie. The threat of death, that had been lifted and turned into hope for a future. And he revelled in it, sinking into it at every opportunity and let it engulf him. And he noticed the changes it brought forth in him. The way he could suddenly appreciate a seagull’s gravity defying flight manoeuvres to catch a treat, the way ice cream tasted after a walk on the beach. The way a fire warms your feet after dipping them in the cold sea and sensation slowly returns into your prickling toes. And while he was experiencing all this she transformed. Her features softened as she gained more weight. The dark circles under her eyes vanished and her skin tanned from the time spent outside. The puffiness of her face was gone. And on a day in mid September when he had come down to pick her up for an outing into town, he found himself face to face with a woman in a beautiful green dress, eyes alight, smiling brightly just for him. He stood frozen for a moment, gaping like a fish out of water and trying to process how he had not noticed what a beautiful woman was married to him. He could see she had made a special effort with her short hair, had put on a little make-up and had chosen shoes with heels that helped to show off her beautifully shaped legs, but how had he not seen this before? He let her lead him outside and spent the first half of their afternoon walking behind her in a daze, feeling like a fool. He was only shaken out of it when he started to notice the looks she received from other men.
First it was the guy at the ice cream parlour. He had brought over their order and complemented her with appreciative smile. Severus had felt mildly irritated at
that.
When they had walked in the backstreets to town to shop for Sophie’s mum , a man had passed them and had tried to catch Sophie’s eye, turning his head after her when he had past. Then, Severus had felt a twitching of his right hand with the unconscious urge to reach for his wand. But that had only been for a moment. However, he had started to feel really angry when they were on the bus back to Lamorna and some tourist with a build like a middle aged adonis engaged Sophie in a conversation. Apparently he was a theatre enthusiast and since Sophie loved the performing arts as well they spent the entire way chatting about plays, the Minack theatre and films. Things he had no idea about. But he felt more than left out. He felt tossed aside and ignored and that made him angry. For two reasons it made him angry. First of all he did not want her to pay attention to that git and ignore him. After all he had saved her life and had taken care of her. But secondly, he did not want to feel the way he did. After all there was no agreement between them, she had not pledged herself to him and he had no right to expect that from her. And she probably never would. So why couldn’t he let go of these feelings? He would only get hurt again if he allowed himself such feelings. He’d been through this, he really didn’t feel up for more disappointment. He kept pondering on this while the bus made its slow way along the small inland street that led to Lamorna. When they came to their bus stop the annoying idiot decided to join them. For some reason Sophie had told him that the access to the coastal path, which led straight to the Minack theater, was much easier to find in Lamorna than in Mousehole. He happily trotted along drowning Sophie in his useless opinions on modern plays. Severus became more and more angry. He did keep a straight face though. It was none of his business with whom Sophie decided to waste her time. And she had spent a lot of time with him lately. Maybe she was fed up with him? Maybe she hadn’t enjoyed the time they had spent together as much as he had? And to be fair, what did he have to offer to a woman nearly 20 years younger, good looking, charming and not possibly interested in him? A hollow feeling took over inside him, like a poison seeping into every pore of his being. He had been misleading himself again. The longer the three of them were walking down the winding little road that led into the cove the more Severus quietly worked himself into a state of anger and despair. This vicious cycle had started spinning in his head and once again it seemed he was unable to stop it. He knew this feeling, the helplessness that fueled his rage. But it had been a long time since he had last felt it… when had it been? When Sirius Black had fled the dementors or when the Potter brat had managed to break down his mental barriers in the occlumency lessons?
What did it matter. He had to master it. He couldn’t allow it to rule him again. Not over something that wasn’t in his power anyway. He tried to push his feelings away and when the annoying tourist said his goodbye he thought he could just leave it. Sophie invited him inside for tea and while they joined her parents in the sitting room she told them all about the bloody idiot. He needed to get out, longed for the solitude of his cottage where he could silently stew his anger until it had evaporated. He got up to leave when Sophie addressed him surprised.
“You’re off already?”
He did not want to answer, fearing he would be giving away too much of his feelings by doing so. He just looked at her and turned to leave.
“Wait, Sam! Are you OK? Is everything alright?”
No, nothing was alright. And he wanted to shout it straight into her face. Instead he just left.
The following days he spent trying to shut down his emotions. He busied himself digging to make a new patch for kitchen herbs… something he had talked about with Sophie. But he firmly told himself he was doing it to enhance his own meals. The physical work of digging, dragging stones about to make a dry wall that would keep the soil in place while at the same time saving the warmth of the sun and finally planting the herbs helped him. But within two days he was ready and if he was honest with himself he hadn’t stopped thinking about it all. It was still lingering in the back of his mind. She was never going to be his and she would find some handsome, young prince charming and be gone from his life.
On the third day the sun was strong for an early autumn day. He weeded the other patches and had just straightened his back when he saw her walking towards his cottage. He had completely forgotten that because she had been here she could now find it on her own! How had that escaped him? He felt panic rising within him. He did not want to face her. Didn’t want to have to explain why he had left so suddenly. What should he do? But he had no time to consider an escape plan, she had already opened the little garden gate and was purposefully walking up the garden path.
“Hello stranger. Long time no seen.”
Stranger? He was no property of hers and she had no right to complain to him about his absence! He did not answer and picked up his tools to take them back into the shed.
“Hey? Sam? What’s the problem? Are you mad at me for some reason? Did I do something?”
He still didn’t answer. She was following him into the house but he still tried to ignore her.
“Sam, if I did something wrong I am sorry, but this strategy of ignoring me is neither very effective nor very grown-up…. right, you still won’t talk. OK. I’ll just sit down here and wait til you change your mind.”
Yes, she would do that and stay there on that damn couch. Best to get it over with then. He had to protect himself. She was feeling better and she didn’t need him anymore now. Better he ended it now before she walked away from him.
“I was not aware I had a duty to be your royal entertainer.”
“Excuse me?”
“You heard me. What makes you think you can simply barge in on me here as you please?”
“I was just…”
“You were just thinking you would come up here uninvited and get on my nerves with your useless bickering?”
“No, hey, wait a moment… Can you tell me what set you off like this?”
“I believe I just told you.”
“No, you are being an ass, that’s what you’re doing.”
“So you are not just here to get on my nerves, you are also insulting me.”
“Sam!”
“What do you want from me, Sophie?”
“I … What do you mean?”
“What I said. What do you want? You are healed, you are better and you are clearly looking to get on with your life. I won’t be in your way.”
“What on earth are you talking about?”
“I thought you have a certain command of the English language, enough anyway to understand what I’m saying.”
“Where is all this coming from? What happened? Can you please explain to me why you are behaving this way? I mean, we were having a good time together, at least I never had the impression you came down to visit out of a sense of obligation. Why, three days ago you spent the entire afternoon with me again til you stormed out without another word. What happened?”
“I have nothing more to say. You should leave now.”
“That’s all?”
“Yes.”
“You… I can’t believe this. What the…”
“There is certainly no need for profanities.”
“Sam!”
“I do know my name, thank you.”
“This is just… I don’t believe this. At least tell me why you are sending me away.”
“I told you I have nothing more to say to you.”
“Sam, you took me to a secret facility to heal me, you spent days sitting by my bed…”
“You are overestimating your own importance.”
“...Sam, you married me!”
“Well, maybe I shouldn’t have.”
“What?”
He realised, that had been taking it a step too far. His anger started to surge again and if he didn’t manage to get her out of his home soon, this would all go terribly wrong. He wanted a clean break.
“Right, Sophie, I married you. I married you so you could receive the treatment that would save your life. Your life is saved, you can now return to the live you had before we met.”
“You are seriously trying to tell me that’s all there is to this?”
“I don’t know what more could be there.”
“Sam, you sat by my bed…”
“That was part of the role, as your husband it would have looked rather strange if I had been galavanting about while my wife was fighting for her life.”
“It was all just an act?”
“Of course it was.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“That is your problem, not mine.”
“Sam, I saw how you suffered with me, saw how relieved you were when they said I was going to be OK.”
“Yes, that was also what was expected of me.”
“And what about all the time we spent together? The walks, the outings to town…”
“Sophie, what are you complaining about?”
“I simply don’t understand what’s going on. What does this mean anyway: You can go back to your old life now, Sophie? I am happy with this, with the walks, the ice creams and..”
“Oh, you are, are you?”
“Yes!”
“That’s interesting.”
“Why?”
“Well, the other day I had the impression you would have been happier if I had not been in the way.”
“What? When? When, you were never in my way!”
“Is that so?”
“Yes!”
“And what about the guy in the ice cream parlour?”
“What guy?”
“The waiter.”
“Well, what about him?”
“Or this annoying tourist.”
“He was just looking for a chat.”
“A chat?”
“Yes!”
“I think he was looking for something completely different… and you didn’t seem to be opposed to that in the slightest.”
“I was just chatting with him.”
“You were flirting with him.”
“I was not!”
“Yes, you were.”
“No, I was simply having a nice conversation with a tourist who was alone and was looking for some social contact.”
“Ahhh yes, I know what kind of contact that guy was after.”
“Sam, this is ridiculous. I was just chatting with him. And if you really don’t care for me, like you say you don’t, then why does it upset you so?”
There, he had allowed her to drive him into a corner. He needed to end this, now.
“I will not listen to this any longer.”
“You cannot walk out on me.”
“And what should stop me? You?”
“Sam, listen, let’s not … let’s just talk about this, OK? If you are upset about me talking to that guy, then maybe it would help if you told me why it upsets you?”
“I have no desire to continue this conversation and you should really leave now!”
The last bit he had shouted, he was losing control. She had to leave, he had to drive her away before he completely lost it.
“Sam, please, I really don’t want us to part like this.”
“You don’t? Maybe you should have thought about that before you threw yourself at that guy.”
“I did no such thing, Sam. Please stop this nonsense. I only spoke with him because he was alone and had no one else to talk to. I went to town with you, I invite you round for teas and you go for walks with me, don’t you understand?”
“I guess that is perfectly acceptable when considering that there is not much of a selection of possible companions about. I have no interest, however, to become an obstacle once you return to your own life, which you undoubtably will sooner or later.”
“Sam, we will find a way to sort things out when I have to return to Germany, this does not have to be the end.”
So she was thinking about leaving him and going back. He had known it, it couldn’t have been any other way. He had known it!
“Just go!”
“Sam, please!”
“No! I have no interest in some harlot that has no sense of decency.”
“What? How dare you call me that!”
“I call you what you deserve to be called, what any woman deserves to be called that displays such a lack of propriety.”
“I have not displayed anything!”
“You flirted with that guy!”
“I did not!”
“Yes, you did. Don’t lie to me!”
“How can I lie to you, you were there and you saw that I did not! I really don’t know what has gotten into you, but don’t think you can treat me like this just because you are a bloody coward that is afraid of his own feelings!”
“I’m not a coward!”
It had happened so fast. So fast. He hadn’t noticed he had raised his hand, hadn’t noticed he had hit her in the face until he had heard the terrible smacking noise. She had fallen to the side and landed half on the couch. He stared at her in horror. What had he done? He hadn’t wanted this to happen! She should have just left, hell, why hadn’t she left? Now he had ruined it all again. He had ruined it all.
She sat up slowly and gingerly touched her cheek.
“I think I should go now.”
She got up and walked out. He still stood there, just looking after her.
- 19
- 20
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Waking up