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Water	By : kissherdraco Category: Harry Potter > Het - Male/Female > Draco/Hermione Views: 183151 -:- Recommendations : 3 -:- Currently Reading : 5
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 20
- 21
Title: Water

Chapter Twenty-One

Genres: Angst

Rating: NC-17

Warnings: Sexual content, Strong language

Summary: "...You�re the one who needs help! You�re the one who makes my skin crawl whenever we stand in the same room! You�re fucked up Malfoy. And your father couldn�t even teach you anything other than how to fuck up everyone else with you-� Her wand went flying.
A/N: Thank you so much to Dina and Jen for agreeing to beta this chapter. (The whole chapter is now completely checked through...hence the reposting!)

I know it�s been stupidly long since I last updated...but here I am with the penultimate chapter of the story. I would really appreciate reviews more than ever now, since I�m so close to finishing the story and am really nervous about these last chapters.

Please visit my LJ http://cupcaked.livejournal.com for my comments and/or any questions you have.

Thank you to those of you still reading the story!

Chapter 21.
When you look back on the last few months, you have to hold your breath. The rush of nausea and pain can sometimes be too much to bear. The lack of oxygen somehow makes it easier to endure.

So when you look back, hold your breath.

And then when you breathe out you can pretend, at least for a moment, that those months never, ever happened.
*
Hermione had slept in Ginny�s bed the night she left him behind. The same night she told him that she didn�t love him. She could feel the unasked questions burning in Ginny�s head, and she was so grateful that they stayed there.

Once Hermione heard her fall asleep she let the tears overwhelm her, shaking gently on the edge of the bed in silence. When morning came, she left before anyone else in the dormitory had woken up.

That day the corridors were empty. It was a Sunday morning and everyone was sleeping in. But it felt like they weren�t even there. It was as if no one was within miles of her. She couldn�t hear anything but the blood rushing in her ears as the pain swirled bitterly in the pit of her stomach.

Sunday was the day he had to leave. He would be gone by the evening. So Hermione sat outside the castle for hours, listening to the wind, ignoring the growing hunger that added to the haze in her head. And when dusk fell she returned to the tower. She opened the door. And there was nothing. No one.

He had gone.

Three days passed. Three nights without him sleeping in the other room.

The pain Hermione felt was crippling. She would go to sleep and she would wake up. And the pain was still there. It was searing through her stomach and up into her chest. It wouldn�t leave.

She went to lessons, sat in silence and wrote things mindlessly. She avoided breakfast, lunch, dinner. She moved outside when too many people were inside. She avoided everyone. And at the end of the day she was back in the dormitory, sitting at the top of the stairs tracing the wood of his bedroom door with her fingers, knowing he wasn�t behind it. Not knowing where he was. Simply replaying the last words she had spoken to him in her head. Over and over again. Each time the pain increasing. Each time the tears falling. All of this until she was too tired to think anymore, and then she would be back in bed. Back into the senseless escape of sleep.

On the fourth morning, she woke violently from a dream. It was still dark outside, but late enough for her to get up and feel the slow throbbing return to her stomach. Late enough to not fall back asleep and forget he wasn�t there anymore.

Her first lesson was with Harry. The first lesson of the week she had with him. The first time she would be in a room where she couldn�t hurry out or avoid him, even though Harry had noticeably been letting her do so the few times they crossed paths this week.

But something in Hermione didn�t want to avoid him today. Suddenly, this morning, she needed Harry. She needed someone to fill the hole in her head with something else. Something to gloss over the torturous words she kept replaying in her head.

She needed someone to tell her that what she did was right so that it would stop feeling so horrifically wrong.

And Harry had to be that person.

*
Draco kept thinking about what he should have done when that door closed behind her.

He should have opened it again. Straight away. He should have gone after her, taken her in his arms, pulled her back into the room. He should have made her understand.

He should have made her see.

He would kiss her. That�s all. He would kiss her mouth and her eyes and her cheeks. He would hold her. He would fight the talk in his head that told him it was wrong. Because when he held her there was no possible way it could be wrong. And maybe it would be like that for her too. Maybe if he held her, she would see that these things she thinks are true are actually false. And these things she thinks are wrong are actually right. And that she was his, even thought she tried to pretend she wasn�t.

But he didn�t do that. He didn�t do any of it. Because even in the depths of his desperation, even having stripped himself bare of any safe pretence, there was still a fierce stab of pride that rooted him to the spot. It weighed him down like chains. And although every emotion was screaming at him to follow her, those dark and punishing thoughts kept him still.

No, Draco. Don�t go after her. She�s doing you a favour. She�s giving you a much-needed way out of this horrific mess.

He swallowed the thoughts down like wire. They scraped the walls of his throat.

Instead he thoughts about the words he had spoken to her, and the things they had meant. The last hopes they had exhausted.

�I love you, Hermione.�

That wasn�t what he meant at all. How could it even come close?

There are those emotions that are frustratingly impossible to articulate in words. You cannot express them to anyone. You cannot open their eyes wide enough to see every painfully intricate thread of feeling twisted around your heart. They weigh upon your chest with an immovable pressure that slowly and quietly suffocates you. And you are helpless and speechless and lost in it all, clinging at empty adjectives and expressions that might just about scrape the surface of what it is you�re feeling inside.

Others are around you looking in through the misty, distorted glass. But they can never see every detail in all its glorious definition. Trapped behind that glass, submerged in the murky water, you stare back at them, hopelessly sinking to the bottom.

Draco should never have attempted to explain his feelings to Hermione. Those painful, indescribable feelings trapped in his rib cage. There was no possibility she could ever understand with all that glass and water that separated Draco and every other person he had ever known.

He tried the words. They didn�t quite fit. But he kept going anyway because he had started. And if he could get her to understand a fraction of what was going on inside him, how much he was hurting and how much he felt for her, then that would be something at least. And he needed anything.

�Love�.

Whatever that meant. Whatever surface that scraped. It didn�t seem adequate. It was just a word. And Draco never understood it. The sheer complexity of feeling inside him could never begin to be summed up by one word. It was a stupid word - an ultimately weak one people grab at to try and untwist the suffocation in their heads.

It�s like how they call it �grief� when you lose someone. Draco always thought there was no word for it. No set of words. It was what it was. Different to every person and entirely devastating and consuming on a level no word or words could ever truly sum up. It�s not just a process, it�s a permanent segment of your person and your being that you can never get back. Someone who made you you is gone, and as a result you have to struggle with a missing piece that can�t be replaced.

�Grief� just doesn�t cut it.

And so neither did �love�. Everything about it was wrong. Because he didn�t want to buy Hermione roses. He didn�t want to write her love letters and hold her hand.He never once thought about growing old with her. He never once thought of their relationship having any kind of capacity outside the castle walls. He didn�t think like that. He didn�t think ahead. He could only focus on what overwhelmed him minute-by-minute. What was there right this second.

He had stepped out of the war in his head and in his world and realised there was something else there before him. Something that impossibly trumped it all. He never knew it could happen, he was raised to believe nothing else mattered.

Hermione saw him and she hated him, but she understood him and she wanted him. She was feeling some of that mess that he felt. She was his. Her presence a complete poison in his body, distorting his thoughts and his movement. A complication he never intended, a situation he was never truly aware of happening until it happened.

But there wasn�t and never has been an easy way out for Draco. He belonged inside those crumbling walls in his head, a place he would no doubt stay until there was nothing left to crumble anymore.

But not before he tried one last time. He was so determined to prove to her what he felt and what he knew was inside her too.

One last time.

And if it didn�t work?

Well, that would be it. He would be done.

He would leave this useless place and never come back.
*
Hermione asked to meet Harry after class. He had barely agreed before she walked away towards the back of the classroom and sat down at the table furthest away.

Afterwards, Harry waited as the chattering crowd filtered out of the classroom. She walked past him slowly, catching his eye and silently beckoning him to follow. She walked out of the room and down the corridor, down the stairs, more corridors and more stairs. It soon became clear to Harry that she was taking him outside.

For the duration of the walk she said nothing. She didn�t even look back at him to check if he was still following her. And so he said nothing to her in return. He was strangely hesitant. She seemed different somehow.

Finally, she stopped by the bank of the lake. The sun was disappearing already. The air was thin and cold.

She turned to him. Slowly, almost cautiously, she raised her head.

�Harry...�

That one word. It told him so much. Her broken voice and trembling lips were holding back something painful.

This is what you have to understand about Hermione; she�s never fallen apart before.

It was everything Harry hoped he would never see happen to her.

He said nothing in reply. Instead, Harry took a step towards her and pulled her into him, wrapping his arms around her tightly.

Her head fell against his shoulder as her body started to shake with the silent tears she had been fighting to hold back.

Long moments passed by.

�I�m sorry, Harry.�

�Why are you saying sorry?�

�Because. It�s been- it�s been a strange few months this term,� she mumbled. �Strange. You know?�

Harry drew in a breath. He brushed away some hair that was sticking to her cheek. �Hermione,� he began, �don�t apologise to me. It�s not- it�s not how I said it was. I know that.�

�What do you mean?�

�It�s not how I thought it was, between you and...� He trailed off. �Between you both.�

�I don�t understand.�

Harry looked down for a moment. �I thought...� He was struggling to find the words. �I thought he was using you.�

She swallowed down some tears. �I think he was.�

�I don�t know, Hermione.�

�Harry- he was. He- he is. He�s changed me. He�s made me into someone I�m not.�

Harry�s jaw clenched. �I can see that it�s made things different. It�s made you feel different. But- but you�re still Hermione. You�re still there.�

�I�m not.�

�You are. I know you are.� Harry swallowed. �And if he was using you at the beginning, he�s not anymore. I don�t think.� He had to push the words out.

Hermione stared at him, her eyes wide and glistening. �I thought- You said... This whole time...� She couldn�t finish the sentences, and Harry understood why she was so confused. He himself could barely believe the words coming out of his own mouth. They hurt tremendously.

�Hermione,� he breathed, taking her hand, �You know how I feel about him. About Malfoy.� He paused. �And what�s worse, I know how he feels about you.� Harry felt the sickness creep into the bottom of his stomach. �I think there�s something there. Something I didn�t think he was capable of. And- you must see it. Because you�ve stayed with him. You�ve been- with him.�

�Harry-�

�Hermione, I hate him. And I�m not doing this for him.� Harry shook himself. �Really, I�m so far from doing this for him. But I think he feels something for you that I can�t understand. Or be okay with. But that doesn�t change the fact he feels it. And if you want him to feel it- if you�re okay with it, then...� He took a breath. �...Then I�m not standing in the way.�

Hermione was shaking her head incredulously. �Harry, stop it.� The tears started falling again. �I came down here to tell you... It�s over.� Her voice cracked. �It�s over, Harry.�

His heart jumped. �What? Did he do something to hurt you?�

She started to shake again. �No, it wasn�t him. It was me. I told him I didn�t love him... I left.�

Harry stared at her.

�I left,� she repeated. Her eyes squeezed shut for a moment.

Love? What was she talking about?

Love. Why had that even come up?

Harry clenched his jaw.

�Say something, Harry,� she said, audible frustration through her tears. �Isn�t this what you wanted? You and Ron? I told him I didn�t love him because I shouldn�t!�

�Because you shouldn�t?�

�No. I shouldn�t. So tell me I did the right thing.�

He opened his mouth. Nothing came out.

She was shaking so much. The short, sharp intakes of breath between her sobs sounded raw.

�Harry!� she cried.

He held her shoulders to steady her. �Hermione, please.�

�Tell me!� she said, her voice getting louder. �You tell me I did the right thing, Harry! Because- because I did it for you!�

�No, Hermione,� breathed Harry, shaking his head slowly. �Don�t say that.�

�You need me!� she cried, �I know- I know, Harry. You love me.�

�Of course I love you.�

�But you really love me, Harry!� She pushed away, angrily. �I�ve seen it. You don�t need to pretend anymore. I�m- if you love me- then we can-�

�Hermione, you don�t know what you�re saying.�

He went to put his arms around her again, calm her down, but she pushed them away. �No,� she said, her teeth grit tightly together, �You do not get to do this. You- you�ve been telling me to end it. You�ve practically abandoned me over it! And I know why. It�s because- it�s because you love me.�

Harry�s heart sunk. �I�m sorry,� he replied, his throat dry. �I know I�ve abandoned you, and I�m so sorry.� He went to put her arms around her again. This time she surrendered. Her head fell against his chest hopelessly. �Hermione,� Harry continued in a murmur, �I did have those feelings for you. I think. And it�s because I was confused. You know, before. But not now.� He was struggling with the words. He didn�t know what to say about it. He didn�t know which parts were true and which parts were false. �I promise you. I- I�ve thought about it. These things happen, you know? People get feelings mixed up and- we�re really close. And you�re beautiful and I�m only human.� He took a deep breath. �But they weren�t real feelings. I�m sorry I ever made you feel guilty for them.�

There was a long pause.

�Harry,� she whispered against him, her throat audibly dry, �When we were fourteen...� She hesitated. �You told me you loved me.�

�What?� Harry exclaimed, his arms tightening unintentionally with alarm.

�You blurted it out. Right here, by the lake.�

�I don�t remember that,� he lied, uncomfortably.

�And then you tried to do a memory charm on me.�

Oh God.

Harry flushed a colour he was intensely relieved she couldn�t see with her head beneath his chin.

�I pretended it worked.�

�It- didn�t work?�

He felt her shake her head against him. �You weren�t very good at them.� She sounded like she was smiling slightly through her quiet tears. �But you were only fourteen. We were young.�

�Yes. We were. Very young,� he added with emphasis.

�Still,� she continued. �When we were fifteen I heard something between you and Ron. Something about me.�

�Eh?�

�You were both round the corner and as ever Ron had no volume control. He was asking why you talked about me so much. Why you talked about me the way you did. Why you thought it was a good idea to miss Quidditch practice in favour of me teaching you Arithmancy.�

�I needed the extra lessons,� said Harry, defensively.

�And you said that to Ron and shook off everything else. I believed you. I didn�t have any reason to think otherwise. Not really. I didn�t even understand what Ron was talking about. And he bought it. So did I.�

�Good, because there was- nothing to buy.�

�But last year,� she continued, her voice still a whisper, �you did something that I couldn�t ignore.�

Harry froze. Fuck. What was it? What did he do now? None of this was helping. He�d been through it in his head. He was confused,. Why was she doing this?

�W-what?� he stammered, uncertain of whether he wanted to know the answer.

�You kissed me.�

�What? No I didn�t!�

�Under some mistletoe. Everyone was doing it. We were all drunk after the Christmas Ball. And- and when you got to me- you kissed me.�

�Yes- because everyone was doing it,� he reminded her.

�Yes. But your kiss was different to everyone else�s, Harry.�

�Hermione...� Harry squirmed uncomfortably. He was very tempted to unwrap his arms from her body, and he would have done so were he not so afraid of her starting to shiver violently again or- worse- seeing the expression on his face. �I don�t think it was. I think you�re reading into it.�

�I know you remember.�

Of course he remembered. And he remembered the next morning and intensely hoped she was too drunk to do the same. He had gone to kiss her, but it had lasted far too long than was acceptable. Too long to be friendly. His hands had touched her too gently. And his lips had burned against hers too tellingly. She had pulled away, laughing, politely brushing it off in that Hermione way.

�Why are you telling me all of this?� he asked, his voice low.

Hermione sighed. �Because if I was anyone else, I would have been over the moon. I should have been. You�re wonderful, Harry. Girls trip over themselves to talk to you.�

He swallowed, waiting for the inevitable �but�.

�But I was too used to you being my best friend,� she said, softly, �And those things- even though I remember them and they definitely meant something- they were few and far between. So I didn�t think too hard about it. Until I saw how crazy this whole- thing- made you. And then it was too late.�

He felt her start to shake again. Her tears were back, if they ever left.

�And now... Malfoy...� she whimpered, �He�s changed me. Into something horrible.�

�Please don�t start that again-�

�He can�t be right for me- and- maybe you can instead...�

�Hermione, you don�t know what you�re saying. You�ve been through a lot. More than anyone can stand. Physically and emotionally. You�re exhausted.�

Harry knew he was telling himself this more than he was her. He had to remember what her mind must be like in this moment. Completely fragmented.

She loosened herself from his hold slightly, but not completely. It was enough for her to look into his eyes.

�You�re right,� she whispered, her cheeks wet, �I am tired. I just want- someone to take it away. All of it.�

�You don�t mean what you�re saying. And it will get better without you having to do this to yourself.�

�What makes you think I don�t mean it?�

�Because you don�t mean it.�

�Yes I do.�

�No you don�t, Hermione.�

And before Harry knew what had happened, a look of defiance flashed across her face and her lips were on his.

Everything went black inside Harry�s head.

He couldn�t think any thought or see any picture. He could only feel the feeling that burned into him as Hermione�s lips pressed urgently against his. After a moment of shock, he found himself instinctively leaning into her. It didn�t feel real, and he almost started to kid himself that it wasn�t as his tongue touched hers and he felt his body react completely to her advances.

Something screamed at him in the back of his head. His own voice. Loudly shouting at him to stop.

But it was so hard. Her lips were between his and he could barely think beyond that. Hermione was kissing him. And for the first time in a long time he found himself admitting that he�d wanted this moment forever.

And yet he couldn�t escape the fact that this wasn�t right.

The voice screamed in his head again. Be stronger than this. Be stronger for her.

This isn�t what either of you want.

With an unthinkable strength Harry broke the kiss and took two firm steps back. It separated them completely.

He struggled to compose his breathing.

Hermione was staring at him, her eyes wide and glistening.

There was a long moment of silence between them. All that could be heard was the wind against trees. Eventually, Hermione began to shake her head, her hands cupping her face as she fell to the ground, shaking.

Oh no.

Harry rushed over to her and knelt down. �Hermione...�

�I�m so sorry,� she mumbled from behind her hands, body almost doubled over with her forehead touching the ground. �So sorry.�

�Don�t be,� he assured her, rubbing her back with his palm. �Please. It�s my fault for even- for even... Please, Hermione. Get up from the ground. It�s too cold.� Slowly he pulled her up into a sitting position. Her body slumped against his.

�I�m such a m-mess,� she stammered, �God. S-so awful. What am I thinking?�

Harry lowered his eyes to the ground, heavily swallowing down the thoughts of what had just happened. It was a complete mistake. And it didn�t matter. None of it mattered because she was his best friend and she was in too much pain to mean any of it. Look at her. So much pain.

�I think...� he began, �You need to realise why you�re feeling like this. Why you�re- doing this.�

She shook her head again, her lips trembling more violently now as she spoke. �B-but...I can�t.�

He bit his lip. �You made a mistake with Malfoy.� He paused. �Well, you made a lot of mistakes with Malfoy. But I guess telling him- what you told him- was one of them.�

�But- it was the right thing to do. You made me think that... Harry... And- and what I think I want isn�t the same as what I should do. What I should do for everyone involved. D-don�t you think it�s... right, Harry?� Her voice was getting stronger again, though her body remained heavy against his.

�Why are you looking for my reassurance?� he murmured, �You know yourself whether or not it was the right thing to do. How are you feeling? Are you feeling okay? Are you feeling relieved? Because- because I don�t think you are.�

�You told me to do this.�

Harry understood. She wanted to blame someone for her pain, and he was the right person. He was the perfect person. She wanted him to acknowledge that the decision was taken away from her. That she was acting on behalf of someone else.

And all because, deep down, she couldn�t really do it for herself. She couldn�t tell Malfoy she didn�t love him unless it was for Harry.

Harry had made her feel like this. Harry had made her feel like it was never a decision for her to make by herself. That it would cost her too much.

�I�m so sorry, Hermione.� He took her hand. �I- I fucked up. I really did.�

�Don�t...�

�I tried to tell myself I did what anyone would have done to keep you from him. Anyone that really knew either of you.� Harry squeezed her hand. �But that was never the right thing to do because it meant I drove you away. I left you alone.� He paused. �I left you alone when all I wanted to do was save you.�

�Please, don�t...� She shook her head through the tears.

�I�ve been so caught up in myself,� he continued, pushing past the interjection. �I�ve been so obsessed with hating him. And I do- I hate him. But not enough to push you away.�

�Harry-�

�You ask me if you did the right thing telling Malfoy that,� he continued, �And...I don�t think you did...� Harry swallowed. �I don�t think you did do the right thing, Hermione.� He forced the finality in his statement. �And I think you know that. I don�t like it and it makes me feel sick, but- I�ve realised I can�t keep you unless I get over it. Or at least pretend to get over it.�

She was shaking her head. �I�m not the same. I can�t make this decision as me.�

�Stop talking like this.�

�You know it�s true. You know I�ve done things I would never normally do.�

So stubborn. Always so bloody stubborn.

�Hermione...� he swallowed, �I can�t- There�s only so much I can say here. Because you know I find it difficult. And I�ve said it all now. Not that I can believe I�m saying any of it in the first place.� He exhaled. �People change. It does happen, Hermione. Perhaps these last few months have changed all of us. But deep down we�re still the same people.�

�I can�t be the person Draco thinks I am.�

Harry winced at the sound of his name. The way she said it was so easy, so familiar. It was alien to Harry. They only ever said his name with spite. But not Hermione. Not anymore. �Look, Hermione. I want to be able to talk to you about this. I do. But- I�m struggling. All I can say is maybe things aren�t what I thought they were with him. Maybe I should step aside and give it some kind of chance. That�s- that�s as far as I can go.�

She sniffed. There was a small silence.

�It hurts, Harry,� she whispered.

�I know.�

�It really hurts.�

�I�m sorry.�

He waited for her to speak again, but no words left her mouth.

And with that, it seemed there was nothing left to say. From either of them.

Harry and Hermione stayed there on the ground as many minutes passed.

It was at least half an hour before Harry decided to pull Hermione to her feet, hold her hand in his, and lead her back inside.

*

Pansy Fucking Parkinson.

Only fate would have it be this way.

Draco had been heading towards the castle doors that took him out onto the open grass by the forest. He knew Hermione had been going outside every day since the night she�d left him. He saw her sometimes when he purposefully searched for her presence out of the nearest window. It hadn�t been the right time to go out to her then. He was biding his time, half terrified of the finality of it all.

After all, he had promised himself this was the last attempt before he left. And he would leave. He had to, he reminded himself. Otherwise she would lose Head Girl. He was sure of it. If he kept dragging her back into this she would lose the one last thing she had left, and she would never forgive him for it.

He knew Hermione�s classes would be finished. It was the first place he could think to look for her.

As he headed down a quiet windowless corridor that ran along the very back of the castle, he noticed Pansy rounding the corner. She was around six feet away before Draco completely processed her presence and noted that she had come to a halt in front of him.

�Draco.�

Her voice was impressively calm. Draco would have expected her to barely raise her head at him after everything, let alone stop in front of him and say his name like that. It was as if she had nothing to be afraid of. Nothing to fear him for.

She was so very wrong.

Draco stared at her, unmoving. His lips remained tightly shut. He needed to ignore her. He couldn�t cause trouble now. He didn�t want to get involved in her games. He didn�t want to press that dangerously unstable part of him that had barely been refraining from punishing her in spectacular ways for everything she�d done to Hermione.

�It�s funny I should run into you,� she spoke again. This time her voice sounded more apprehensive.

Draco�s fists clenched at his side. �Bad idea,� he hissed, shaking his head.

The warning in his voice visibly shook her.

�Y-you won�t do anything,� she stammered, �You can�t.�

�And why is that?�

She hesitated. �You�re in too much trouble already. One more problem and you�re out.�

�Somehow I think my revenge would be more that worth it.�

�Revenge?� The word seemed to catch in her throat. And then she straightened herself. �You lost your ability to hurt me a long time ago, Draco.�

�I doubt that.�

Pansy looked down momentarily and cleared her throat. �Well before you start, I thought you might want to know-�

�Fuck off, Parkinson. I�m ashamed to even be exchanging words with you.�

Draco started to walk forward, eyes focused at the end of the corridor as he concentrated with all his effort on moving past her without smashing her head against the wall for the second time.

�Wait-� she started after him.

Draco kept walking.

�I saw something you might be interested in.�

Keep walking.

�You�re looking for the mudblood, aren�t you?�

Draco stopped before he could convince himself otherwise. He spun back round, teeth clenched. �Don�t push me, Parkinson.�

�Right, yeah,� she scoffed, �I forgot you don�t like me calling her that anymore.�

�I don�t like you referring to her in any way whatsoever. I don�t like you thinking about her, Parkinson.� He paused. �Unless you�re thinking about how much I want her and not you. You can think about that.�

�Are you sure she wants you back?�

�Are you sure you want to have this conversation?�

He could scarcely believe he was voluntarily standing there, talking to her. The waves of anger were starting to overwhelm him, stabbing his muscles and willing them to move in her direction. It took everything he had not to shake with it. He didn�t want to give her anything. He wanted to disregard her completely. He so wished he could.

�I was only asking because-� she hesitated again, �Because I saw her outside with Potter.�

Draco laughed loudly. �Of course you did,� he spat, �And I�m sure you heard them unveil some wicked plan they both have to fuck me over, right, Pans?�

�I didn�t hear anything, actually,� she replied, her eyes narrowing.

�When will you give up?� he asked, shaking his head, �It�s beyond pathetic. There really are no words for you anymore.�

�Is it really that unlikely that I�d see them? People going outside after class isn�t the most coincidental thing to ever happen.�

If he didn�t despise her so much, maybe he would have admired her determination. Pansy Parkinson didn�t give up without a painfully long and repetitive fight.

�When will you get it, Pansy?� growled Draco, �It was never you. Hermione didn�t steal me away from you. She didn�t take what�s yours. You never had me.�

Pansy cocked her head back defiantly. �Don�t flatter yourself, Draco,� she scowled, �This isn�t about me wanting you back. Why would I? After the depths you�ve dropped to? You�re not even one ounce the person you used to be. You do realise no one respects you around here anymore, don�t you? People are laughing at you, Draco.� She put her hands on her waist. �Besides,� she added, �I�m with Blaise now.�

�Am I supposed to be surprised? You�ll drop your knickers for anyone who so much as looks you in the eye.�

�You�re wrong,� she spat, �You know how in love with me he�s been. The whole time you and I were together it was all said to me. Every time you turned away, he was there.�

Draco laughed. �Fuck, Pansy. Is this the part where I�m supposed to give a shit? Let�s not change the subject here. You want to play games with me but you�re a vile little girl who didn�t get her way. Don�t pretend it�s anything otherwise. I promise you, if you want to push me, I�ll gladly make you suffer again. And this time I won�t feel a shred of guilt.�

�That�s fine, Draco. But I know what I saw between her and Potter. And by the end of this week I�ll make sure everyone else does as well. Then you�ll be even more humiliated.�

�You do that.�

�Though I must admit � even I was surprised. You always said Potter had a thing for her, but I never really believed it was reciprocated. I just thought he was the desperate puppy pining after her. �

Draco really should have said something else then, but he was too busy controlling the waves that were piercing through his minimal composure. She had to stop talking about her. He had to make her stop.

�But there you go,� she continued, �I always knew she was a whore.�

�Shut the fuck up, Parkinson,� he growled, �I mean it. Don�t do this to yourself. Because I don�t think I can refrain for much longer.�

She wants you to hit her. She wants you to get thrown out. Remember that.

He had to remember that.

Pansy hesitated, taking a small step back. �I�m not playing games,� she breathed, her voice shaking, �You can pretend to yourself all you want. But I saw the mudblood kiss him and it didn�t look platonic from where I was standing.�

Draco was searing.

�And where was that you were standing, Pansy? In your fucking over-imaginative head?�

Pansy took another step backwards. �You know,� she breathed, �I still think about what you did to me. About- about how you hurt me that night. My head hit the wall pretty hard, Draco.�

He held his breath momentarily at the sudden change of subject.

�And when I ran away I felt so ashamed,� she continued, �It was stupid, really.�

�What was stupid, Parkinson, was me ever regretting it for a second.� Although maybe that was lie. Maybe Draco still regretted it. Only for the sharp memories of his father that still burned inside his eyelids whenever he pictured the moment with Pansy.

�I know you want revenge,� said Pansy, her voice quiet, �I keep waiting for something to happen.�

So was Draco. He was waiting too. Waiting for his patience to snap. Waiting to break his promise to Hermione that he wouldn�t touch Pansy for what she�d done. As if Hermione really had her own plan. As if Draco believed that. He knew she just wanted to keep him and Harry out of more trouble.

She echoed his thoughts. �I�m guessing she told you not to do anything to me.�

�You reckon?�

�Not even threat of expulsion would be enough to stop you. So it has to be her as well, right?�

�You may not get what you deserve while the school rules still apply, Pansy, but we�ll all be out of this place this time next year. And you should know � I will never forget what you�ve done to her.�

She hesitated briefly. �You know she�s too moral to ever allow you to do anything.�

�Somehow I think Hermione will forgive me.� Although, somewhere in the back of his head Draco noted her forgiveness might not be necessary. She might not be in his life at all after tonight.

She still might turn him away.

Pansy stared at him for a few seconds. �I�m going to leave now,� she murmured, �And you can think whatever you like about what I�ve told you. You�ll get the truth for yourself eventually. You�ve always been good at getting there. Just a bit slow along the way, that�s all.�

Draco was using every ounce of willpower he had to keep his feet where they were. He couldn�t reach her from here. And that was good. Because he couldn�t risk losing everything over her. Not now.

�Goodbye, Draco.�

Pansy turned and walked briskly up the corridor in the opposite direction to where Draco stood, shaking.

Before he had a chance to compose his breathing, he turned and pushed himself the last few metres to the end of the corridor, rounding the corner and heading straight for the castle doors. He had to get outside. He had to breathe in the cold air and let it cleanse him of all the violent thoughts running through his head.

A wall of freezing air drenched his skin as he pushed open the heavy doors. The light had almost faded completely in the late afternoon. From what he could see, there were only a couple of students sitting on a bench further along the castle wall.

After a couple of deep breaths, Draco headed out onto the grass. He had to push back the thoughts of Pansy and focus completely on what mattered. He had to forget her lies and ignore the persistent stabbing in his gut that suggested there was something in them.

When he reached the bottom of the hill, he followed the banks of the lake around towards the other side of the castle. She sometimes stood by the lake on that side, always gravitating towards the same spot as if it meant something.

But he couldn�t see her today. The banks of the lake were empty. There was no one, not even any stray students skimming stones onto the water. It was too cold and too late. People were inside. She was inside.

Draco turned and headed towards the nearest castle entrance at the top of the steep hill.

He was tracing a mental map of where he would look for her next when he saw them far up ahead. Draco stopped dead in his tracks, staring.

Two people, holding hands, just disappearing through the entrance to the castle.

Pansy�s words burned fiercely in his head.
*
Harry sat with Hermione for another hour after they got back to her dormitory. She was grateful. The place was so empty now that Draco had gone and Professor Dumbledore was still finalising which of the deputy heads would be taking his place.

They talked. Sometimes about something, other times about nothing. It was comforting and it was warm. It was familiar and it calmed Hermione more than she could have hoped for. The pain in her stomach seemed duller with it.

Neither of them mentioned the kiss. They didn�t even allude to it. It wasn�t as if it never happened, but more that there was unspoken understanding between them over what it meant. To both of them. Hermione needed it and she was almost sure that Harry did to.

Harry needed it to remind him that he didn�t really need it. And Hermione needed it to remind her who it was she really did need.

After he kissed her on the cheek and left, Hermione sat staring at the blazing fire in front of her. The room was quiet but for the crackle of sparks that flew out every now and again from the fireplace.

That short time with Harry had soothed the surface of her mind. But it wasn�t long before she was thinking about him again.

Draco.

The pain in her stomach returned with a sharp thud.

Maybe Harry was right. Maybe she was wrong. Maybe she knew this all along but was too absolutely terrified to admit it.

Everything she had felt since closing that door on him had been so beyond any pain Draco had caused her with hurtful words or desperate violence. It was a different kind of pain that she had caused herself. And it felt so much worse.

She didn�t want to explain it. She didn�t want to wonder why it felt like that. She didn�t want to attribute it to the fact that telling Draco she didn�t love him was one of the most impossible things she had ever done. So impossible that she could hardly believe she�d done it.

Not because she was sure that she did love him. Because all she knew about love, from books and films and family, was nothing like what this was. It was nothing like what she felt for him. Love seemed too...normal.

It was just that love seemed to be the closest word to it. Love seemed to be the only word available to describe it. So telling him that she didn�t love him had to be a lie if she had any hope of truly defining what she felt.

Hermione began to think about how she could possibly tell Draco about this lie. About how she could tell him that she was completely wrong and she knew it. Because this feeling scared her so much she felt she was losing herself to it, and Hermione didn�t want to keep losing herself. She felt like she had already lost too much. The feeling made her feel entirely dependent on something else. She hated it.

Telling him was dangerous. Telling him wouldn�t let her go back. No pretending, no changing her mind based on how much regret she felt in her stomach that morning. It would be a commitment to what they had.

There had to be conditions. Something had to change if she were to keep her grip on reality and not fall so completely into him that she forgot where she was or what she wanted to do with her life. Because that was how he made her feel. Like forgetting those things were possible.

If she was going to tell him- if she was going to acknowledge everything he said to her and return it completely- then she absolutely had to settle some things in her head.

The thoughts swam in her mind, uncertainties crowding her already saturated skull.

But she wanted him. And she needed him.

About that she was sure.

*

Harry was making his way back to the common room after leaving Hermione.

He hadn�t made it far before he heard him.

�What�s it like being you, Potter?�

There would never be a good time to hear that voice.

Harry stopped walking.

�Malfoy,� he acknowledged tonelessly. He turned round slowly, his eyes narrowing slightly in Draco�s direction.

The corridor was poorly lit by the flickering fire lanterns on the walls.

�Well?� prompted Draco. He was leaning against the wall with his hands in his pockets and his head cocked down. His body was cast in dark shadow. Harry must have walked straight past him without noticing.

Harry inhaled to steady himself. �It�s great,� he replied, flatly, before exhaling loudly. �But really, Malfoy, I don�t want to do this tonight.�

�Do what?�

�Whatever this is.� He motioned between them. �We said all that needed to be said in the hospital wing last week.�

Draco nodded, slowly. �Right,� he murmured. His posture remained unmoving against the wall. After a short while, he spoke again. �It�s not really about that, though.�

Harry silently debated on whether or not he should take the bait. If he turned around and walked away now, he would prevent anymore trouble from happening. Because trouble always happened when they spoke. And he couldn�t afford to be sitting in the Headmaster�s office again.

He had completely exhausted his strength today in listening to Hermione�s unspoken feelings towards Draco. It took so much to acknowledge them, so much to point them out to her. And only his love for his best friend could convince him to do that.

With Draco Malfoy, there was nothing to convince him to be strong.

Harry turned back to start walking again.

�Oh, don�t run away, Potter,� moaned Draco, sarcastically, �We haven�t even thrown punches yet.�

�Look, Malfoy,� replied Harry, stopping again to turn his head, �I�m doing us both a favour. Especially you. You�re hardly in a position to survive anymore trouble.�

�So people keep telling me.�

�Well maybe you should listen to them.� Harry turned to go again.

Draco laughed. It was a biting laugh.

Harry kept walking.

�I don�t want to fight, Potter,� Draco called after him, �I just have one question. Surely you can allow me that much?�

Harry paused. Despite his better judgement, he once again turned back to face him. �What is it?� he asked, a trace of impatience in his voice.

It was a few moments before Draco answered him. �You�ve seen her today.�

It didn�t sound like a question. So Harry didn�t reply.

�Was she- is she alright?�

Draco�s words took Harry by surprise. Perhaps they shouldn�t have. But they did all the same.

Harry shrugged. He didn�t like his concern. He couldn�t swallow it.

�I haven�t spoken to her since- since I left the dormitory a few nights ago,� continued Draco.

�I know,� said Harry, making no attempt to hide the disdain in his voice.

�You know?�

Harry nodded.

Draco adjusted himself then, pushing back from the wall and straightening his posture. �What did she say?�

�That�s none of your business.�

�I think we both know that�s not true.�

�Ask her yourself, Malfoy. I�m not playing messenger. Especially not with you.�

�I just want to know how she is.�

Harry shrugged again, reluctant to answer. �She�s been pretty out of it.�

Draco nodded, expressionless.

�But then she�s been like that for a while,� added Harry, in the kind of tone that he hoped implied it was Draco�s fault.

�Right,� was all he murmured in response.

�Right,� Harry repeated back at him.

Was that it? Was he just checking up on Hermione?

If that�s all it was, Harry really didn�t have the patience for it. He wanted nothing to do with Draco, regardless of how involved he was with Hermione.

Harry turned to leave again.

�Wait-� called Draco, �-I haven�t asked you my question yet.�

�Yeah, you have.�

�No I haven�t.�

�You asked if she was alright, and I told you.�

�That wasn�t my question.�

Harry sighed. �What is it, Malfoy? Just get it over with.�

Draco�s eyes narrowed slightly. His stare caused Harry to shift uncomfortably.

�Well?� he asked, impatiently.

�Did you kiss her, Potter?�

The question momentarily knocked the breath out of Harry as if it came out of nowhere. It was almost as if he hadn�t been expecting any kind of question at all.

How did he...?

Harry cleared his throat in an effort to quickly disguise his surprise.

Maybe he saw.

But what did it matter if Malfoy knew? If he could kiss Hermione then Harry sure as hell could. And he didn�t have to answer to Malfoy when he did.

Of course, it wasn�t actually like that. It wasn�t - a kiss. Not for Hermione. And perhaps not for Harry, either - not once he�d broken away from her and reality hit him square in the face.

But it was so tempting to make Draco think it was like that. Just for a few moments, at least. Just so he felt a fraction of the betrayal Harry had felt.

As Harry stayed silent, frustration flashed across Draco�s face.

�Potter?� he murmured, barely masking a growl.

Harry saw Draco�s fists tighten at his sides.

Here we go. But maybe Harry only had himself to blame this time. Not that Hermione belonged to Malfoy. Harry would never fully accept that prospect � no matter what he told Hermione. At best, he would pretend to put up with it.

Harry wondered if he should really be keeping silent. Perhaps it wasn�t the right thing to do. It wasn�t fair on her. Not after all those unspoken feelings he saw earlier in her eyes.

�At least have the courtesy to answer me,� hissed Draco, breaking another long silence.

�Look, Malfoy-�

�It�s a fucking yes or no question, Potter.�

Would Hermione want Draco to know? Is it a good idea to tell him the truth?

Harry could scarcely believe he was even asking himself that question. Hermione may care about Draco�s feelings but Harry certainly didn�t. Not even enough to cover for her.

�You want me to answer, Malfoy?� he replied, tensing his muscles in unconscious preparation for the consequences, �Yes. We kissed.�

Or she kissed me. And I kissed back. And it was amazing but I know I�ll never have it again.

And I�m okay with that.

Draco�s face was unreadable. He seemed frozen in his position � fists clenched and eyes narrowed.

A long moment passed.

Harry eyed him cautiously. �Are you debating what to do, Malfoy? Wondering if you have the right to do anything at all?�

No movement.

��Cos I�m betting you don�t,� Harry added.

�Fuck you.�

Something in the way Draco said those words made Harry feel uncomfortable. Like maybe he shouldn�t be looking for a reaction in him after all.

Maybe this whole thing was a bad idea.

Another moment passed. Harry watched Draco�s face. He was no longer staring at Harry. His eyes had drifted just to the left at him. Now he was staring at nothing.

Harry shook his head. �Why did you have to ask?� It surprised him how much quieter his voice was.

Draco�s eyes snapped back to his. �The same reason you had to ask,� he murmured.

Understanding washed over Harry. He thought back to all the moments he�d asked Hermione about Draco. About the one thing he never wanted to know the answer to. But he had to ask it anyway.

Just like Draco did.

�Look,� mumbled Harry, shaking his head, �It�s not what you think.�

�You can�t seriously be trying to comfort me, Potter?�

�No.� No. God no.

No.

�Then what?�

Harry exhaled, unsure of how to continue. �She�s been in a bad way. I don�t think she knew what she was really doing.�

Why Harry was explaining this, he didn�t know.

Draco nodded. �So she kissed you?�

Harry hesitated. �I- uh-�

�Don�t bother, Potter,� he growled, �Like you give a shit.�

And then, all within a moment, Draco spun around with a muffled roar and slammed his fist so hard into the wall that Harry swore he heard the bones crunch.

There was a short silence between them as Draco panted in pain.

Eventually, Harry spoke again. �You can�t fucking react to anything without hitting something, can you?�

Draco shot him a look of disdain. �So she chose you,� he snarled, breathing heavily through the pain, �I�m surprised I had to come looking for you to tell me. I would have thought finding me and declaring it is the first thing you�d want to do.�

Harry laughed and shook his head. �Don�t act dumb, Malfoy. Don�t play that one with me.�

�Don�t play what, Potter?� he spat with frustration.

�You know she didn�t choose me,� growled Harry.

Not in that way at least.

Draco stared at him.

He couldn�t really be clueless. Harry knew him better than that. And Draco knew Hermione better than that.

�She kissed you,� Draco murmured, flatly.

�And you shagged Pansy. Several times. But apparently you didn�t choose her.�

Not that that was the same. At all. God knows why he picked that terrible analogy.

Draco raised an eyebrow and lowered his head all at once. �Did you...? If you fucking-�

�No, you idiot,� sighed Harry, pre-empting the question. �It was just a kiss. Just that. And- and I think it was something she needed to do.�

�What?�

�She needed to do it,� repeated Harry. Not wanting to go into any detail. Not wanting to help him get there any quicker.

She needed to do it so she could know that she really wanted you.

Why Harry was still standing there was beyond him.

Of course- it wasn�t entirely beyond him. Because there was no doubt somewhere in the back of Harry�s mind that he was doing all of this for her. For Hermione. For what he knows- but can never accept- she wants. This was him acting on the realisation that this was the only way he and Ron could get her back.

Draco was quiet. Harry hadn�t known him to say so little in all their exchanges.

Harry rolled his eyes. �Look,� he breathed, forcing the words out through his teeth, �I�m not going to pretend the kiss didn�t mean anything to either of us. For whatever separate reasons. But- I suppose- what matters to you is that it didn�t mean what- what you hope it didn�t mean.�

Why couldn�t he just say the words?

Draco was frowning. Harry knew full well he understood. So why was he fucking frowning?

�You want me to say it?� growled Harry. �You�re really going to be that pathetic?�

Draco stared.

�Fine,� he mumbled. �For her,� he clarified. He took a deep breath. �I don�t know how long it will last, and I hope it doesn�t, but for now � at least � she wants you.�

Draco blinked, raising his eyebrows in surprise.

�What?� hissed Harry.

�Never thought I�d hear those words come out your mouth, Potter.�

�Like I said, it�s for her.�

�Still.�

�Don�t push me, Malfoy.�

There was another moments silence between them. A thousand thoughts seemed to flash across Draco�s face all at once. His arm twitched and his back straightened. His breathing had audibly increased.

Harry diverted his gaze away from him and looked at the floor.

�Where is she, then?� asked Draco, finally.

Harry exhaled sharply through his nostrils. �She�s in her dormitory.�

Draco nodded. Harry could almost have interpreted it as a thank you. But he chose not to.

They stood there for a few awkward seconds.

�You know... I�m going to find her now,� said Draco. It didn�t sound like a provocation. It was almost closer to a polite notification.

�I realise that,� replied Harry, and he realised all that came with it.

Draco nodded again. �Well, then, I guess that�s all,� he said, �You�ve answered my question.� Slowly, he turned to leave. He seemed poised to break into a run.

�Just one more thing, Malfoy.�

Draco paused, turning his head back just in time to see Harry�s fist smash into his jaw with enough force for him to stagger backwards several steps.

�What the-�

�That�s for thinking I�d ever hurt her,� rasped Harry, breathing heavily, �And for putting me in the hospital wing because of it.� He flexed his hand, ignoring the deep scowl on Draco�s face but noting his lack of retaliation. �I hope that�s the last time I hit you, Malfoy,� he added.

Draco didn�t respond.

After a few seconds, Harry turned and walked away.

As he rounded the corner he caught the sound of Draco�s rapid footsteps start in the other direction. The same direction that would lead him to Hermione.

This was it now. It was happening.

And he would never be okay with it.

But he would live with it. For her sake.

*

Draco knew he was moving. Fast. But he couldn�t feel his feet as they touched the ground. He barely noticed the stretches of corridor he passed and winding corners he turned. He didn�t register the thud of his shoes against the stone steps beneath him.

He could only think of her. She was burned into his vision.

Hermione.

She was all he could see in the minutes it took him to reach her dormitory.

Draco had been hit with the strongest wave of clarity. Of all the realisations he had experienced these past few months � this ONE felt final. It felt real. Because if Potter said it- if Potter said it, then it had to be true. It had to be unmistakable.

She needed him.

And perhaps he had known that all along. Somehow. But now he really, really knew it. And he wouldn�t let her escape it or dismiss it or deny it because he needed her too. And that was the only way either of them could survive now. There was no moving on from any of it.

They were stuck in this. Together. And the thought set his body ablaze.

The familiar portrait swung open for him. The familiar stairs laid before him. And at the top of them there was everything he had needed for months now. It was a need that consumed him like never before.

The blood was rushing loudly in his ears and his heart was screaming in his chest. But Draco didn�t take a moment to pause. He didn�t need to force composure or cloak on the pretence. That was all over now. He swore he was done and finished with all of that.

He took the steps two at a time, almost tripping over his feet in all his effort not to spend one more moment away from her than he had to. He could feel her presence mere seconds away. It lit the air on fire around him.

The steps seemed to go on forever. The narrow walls seemed to wind on endlessly...

And then finally he was at the door. He almost thought it had opened itself. He didn�t register turning the handle and pushing it so violently that it swung back and cracked against the wall.

Hermione spun round from the window, hand to her chest in surprise.

Hermione.

Her cheeks were stained red. That fucking beautiful red. Her breath halted.

Her eyes were wonderfully wide as they took him in. �D-draco-�

�Shut up, Granger,� he breathed, on some level aware he was shaking his head and moving in her direction.

And then he was three steps away, two steps away, one step...

His lips found hers and suddenly it was as if none of horrors of the past months had ever happened. It was as if he had awoken one day, blinked and found himself here. Kissing her. Kissing Hermione.

Hermione.

Her body tensed tremendously. Stunned.

Draco held her to him so tightly that he must have been hurting her at least a little bit. His hand was entangled in her hair, his lips pressing against hers in a desperate attempt to communicate a fraction of the need he felt.

And then something brilliant happened. Slowly, Hermione parted her lips. Slowly, her body un-tensed and her mouth began to move against his. Draco�s heart beat impossibly faster at her response, his skin burning when her arms entwined around his neck.

Draco stumbled forward, backing her into the wall. His hands had found her waist and then her hips and then back up to her waist. Her body shook with his rough movements and desperate touches. His lips shifted to the corner of her mouth, and then her jaw, and then her head fell back as his hot breath reached the curve of her neck.

The room was filled with the sounds escaping from her mouth, her shallow breathing, Draco�s responsive growls. He needed to kiss all of her, everything, everywhere - if only all at once were possible. When his teeth scraped against her collarbone she whimpered softly, and Draco couldn�t understand why he was ever apart from her. Ever. At any stage of his life.

His fingers fumbled down towards the buttons on her shirt and pulled at them impatiently, vaguely aware of the rasping sound of his own heavy breathing as he did so. Her head fell back once again and he buried himself into her neck, teeth scraping against the racing pulse that he swore he could feel throbbing against his tongue.

And then Draco became distantly aware of hands pushing somewhere into his chest. Pushing against him. Pushing him away.

�Wha- what-?� was all he could manage, raising his head to stare desperately at her beautiful eyes.

�I need you- to stop,� she panted, groaning momentarily when he pressed his aching erection into her hip.

�Fuck, Granger,� he growled, �You can�t be serious.�

�I- I am, Draco,� she responded, pushing her hands into him again. �Please.�

�No,� he snapped, ignoring the pressure of her hands against his chest and grabbing her wrists. �No,� he growled again, pinning her arms to the side of her body. His mouth found her jaw line and his tongue licked in one long motion across her skin.

She moaned beautifully.

But then words found her again. �Draco,� she murmured.

He ignored her, his fingers tight around her wrists as the wet of his tongue touched her just below her ear.

�Draco,� she insisted, breathlessly.

He let out an involuntary sound of frustration and brought his head up to look at her. �What?� he demanded through clenched teeth.

�I need to talk to you- we need to talk-�

�No. No talking. I�m not talking anymore.�

�Draco. I need to say this. For my- for my head.�

�For your head?�

She nodded.

Draco forced a deep breath through his lungs. He could barely control himself as his arousal shook through him violently.

�Can�t we talk later?�

�I need to do it now.�

Draco sighed and rested his forehead against hers. �Seriously?� he murmured.

�Seriously,� she whispered back.

Reluctantly, his fingers loosened around her wrists.

�Thank you,� she breathed, slowly shifting out from under Draco and walking around to the fireplace. He watched bitterly as she did up the few open buttons on her shirt.

When she was done, her hands gripped the back of the armchair as if to steady herself. He could hear her breath shaking.

Draco almost couldn�t bare the sudden distance she had put between them.

�Talk to me, Hermione,� he prompted impatiently.

�I�m sorry,� she mumbled, �I just don�t want to- to do anything until I�ve had a chance to say some things. I mean- we can�t go from the other night to- to this, just like that, you know?�

Draco fought the urge to remind her that words never did them any favours. �Okay,� he forced out instead.

She took a deep breath. �So... about the other night,� she began, fingernails white against the armchair, �When you- said those things. And I left.�

Draco nodded.

�Well,� she continued, �I... It turns out I- I think-�

�That you do love me after all.�

He caught the sound of her breath hitch.

She opened her mouth to speak, and then closed it again. There was a momentary pause. And then she swallowed. �Okay,� she said, taking another deep breath, �Perhaps something like that. I mean-�

�Something like that?�

�Jesus, Draco. Will you just give me a moment to finish?� That familiar irritation flashed into her voice. Draco wanted to smirk at her, but the concentration and determination in her eyes told him he shouldn�t.

He motioned for her to continue.

�You�ve got to understand,� Hermione began again, releasing her grip on the armchair and instead placing her palms flat upon it, �I�m struggling to put words to what this is. I�m- I�m struggling to call it something.�

Draco could definitely relate to that.

�But I know that it is something,� she continued, �And that I can�t ignore it. It�s just... hard.� She looked down. �It�s hard not to associate this with pain.�

Draco�s heart lurched at the sound of her voice when she said that word. Because she had felt so much of that pain. More than anyone would ever deserve. And it was all his fault. He wanted so desperately to tell her that. But she�d made it clear that this was her turn.

�But I�ve realised something throughout all of this. The pain of being with you is a different kind of pain to the pain of being without you. D-does that make sense? I don�t know...�

Fuck, Granger. It makes perfect sense.

�...And if I�m having to make the right decision then maybe I need to stop thinking about it so much. Maybe I need to just feel what I�m feeling and listen to that. Because the right decision is whatever makes the bad pain stop. The right decision is the one that only brings the other pain. The good pain that hopefully one day won�t be pain at all.� She looked back up at him then. �And yes, I�m calling you a pain. Because you are. For a lot of reasons. But you�re different. You hurt me only because you make me feel everything five times harder. And I mean everything. But that isn�t a bad thing. It isn�t a terrible thing. But it�s not always a good thing, either. It�s- it�s intoxicating.�

Draco�s eyes flickered to her mouth as she briefly bit her lip.

�I don�t want to fight anymore, Draco,� she breathed, �Not with you and not with this. I don�t want to fight with anyone at all. Ever again.�

He nodded slowly, his eyes not moving from hers for a second.

�Hermione-� he began, his voice low.

�Just one more thing,� she interjected, �You- you and Harry.�

Draco felt himself tense at the name. He hoped she didn�t notice.

�I don�t want you two to fight anymore,� she continued, a pleading tone to her voice, �If we are going to try and do this, I can�t do it without him and Ron. They are my best friends. They- they make me who I am. And you have to deal with that. I can�t bare to see you fighting. I know you�re never going to be friends and I�m not asking for that. But you could at least be civil to each other.� She shook her head. �You�ve done some terrible things to him, Draco. And I�m not even asking you to apologise, because I know Harry gives back as good as he gets. But it has to stop now. Really. Or we stop.�

Draco knew that there was no way around that condition. And he knew how seriously Hermione meant it.

After a moment, he nodded his head.

�And not just with Harry,� added Hermione, evidently taking advantage of his lack of objection, �I don�t want you to fight with anyone. No matter what�s happened. You�re hanging by a thread in this place and everyone knows it. Anymore trouble and they�ll send you away, Draco.� She swallowed. �And I can�t handle that.� Her voice broke on the last few words.

Without thinking, Draco found himself moving towards her. He was mere inches from her face before he even knew where he was. �I�m sorry,� he murmured, bringing his hand up to her cheek. He grazed her skin lightly with his fingers. �I know.� It was all he could say in response to it all.

He knew. He knew it all. Everything she was saying. He had felt it radiate from her before she even spoke the words.

In that moment he had no idea how they could possibly make it work between them, he only knew that they had to. That they must. He had finally got her in his grasp and he never, ever wanted to let her go.

�I just hope I�m really the person you think I am,� she murmured then. Her head turned slightly into his touch as she looked down between them.

Draco frowned. �Don�t be ridiculous, Granger,� he breathed, �You�re everything I think you are. Every part of you. I can�t- I can�t even explain it.�

He felt a genuine pang of frustration at the inadequacy of his words. Of any words. He kissed her skin lightly.

�Let me go back to showing you,� he whispered, his lips planting a soft trail towards her mouth. �Because I need to touch you, Hermione. I fucking need to-�

�Wait- Draco,� she breathed, her voice hesitant and quieter than before, �I just want to ask you something. Just- just one more thing.�

He nodded impatiently.

She inhaled, her breath quivering. �Do you really mean it?� she whispered, �Do you really mean it when you say love?�

Draco felt himself frown at her words. �Hermione-�

�I�m just asking you because...� She trailed off. �Don�t take this the wrong way,� she began again, �But that word- it doesn�t fit us. It doesn�t fit you . I never saw you as someone that would feel like that. About anyone.�

�You�re not just anyone.�

�Please don�t get upset with me for saying it.�

�I�m not. I understand why you are.� He took a deep breath, stroking her cheek once more. �I don�t know how I feel it, Granger,� he murmured, �I just know that I do feel it. I mean I think I feel even more than whatever it�s supposed to mean. Like you said. Love maybe doesn�t fit. But- but it�s the best word I�ve got.�

She stared at him, her eyes bright and glistening. And for a long moment that�s all she did. Somewhere in the back of his head Draco acknowledged that if all he got to do tonight was look back into her eyes, it would be enough for him. Those eyes would be enough for him.

Hermione must have known he really loved her. She must have known it before she asked him. And she probably knew it before he even told her in the first place.

�O-okay,� she stammered, eventually, the corners of her mouth turning up ever so slightly. �Okay, Draco.� And then she seemed to give into her smile, and it lit up her face in a way he hadn�t seen in- Merlin- too long. It made his heart lurch inside his ribs.

Draco felt himself smile back, barely aware of the ache in his jaw as he did so.

�I�m going to kiss you again now,� he murmured, voice low, �because I really need to, Granger. No interruptions.�

She nodded.

And with that, Draco�s lips met hers once again.

He felt his body crash right back to the feeling of a few minutes ago. The feeling of sheer hunger. His hand found the back of her head again, and his tongue moved fervently into her mouth.

He walked Hermione back into the wall behind them and she fell against the stone with a soft thud. He always had to have her like this. The feeling of just holding her there was beyond anything he had ever felt with another girl. And that wall held so many memories for them both. So many painful and excruciatingly passionate moments.

So much of him wanted to be gentle with her, to try and show her that things between them didn�t always have to be so rough, so violent. But it was near impossible to disguise his urgent need for her. He was so hungry to take her all in at once. Completely all at once.

It had been too long.

In a forced effort to slow his movements, Draco placed his hands on her hips. Steadily, he began to glide his palms up the shape of her body. His hands moved up past the curve of her waist and over the side of her breasts, until his movements motioned her to lift her arms up above her head. He held her wrists firmly against the stone wall, the position allowing him to study every tiny movement her body made in response.

Hermione could clearly hear his struggled breathing, feel his stunted movements as he forced himself not to let his overwhelming need consume him.

�Draco...� she murmured, �I don�t- I don�t want you to hold back.�

�But I�m trying- I�m just trying not to...� He was just trying not to hurt her. If he let himself go, that�s all he would do.

Because didn�t she understand it had been too long.

�I don�t- uh- I need you not to hold back, Draco... I need it too.�

And Draco realised that he wasn�t the only one struggling. He wasn�t the only one consumed by it.

He growled in response to her words.

�You sure about that, Granger?� he rasped.

She nodded. �Yes...�

He wet his lips as his brought his mouth close to her ear. �One thing,� he whispered, feeling the heat of his own breath bounce off her skin. She murmured an incoherent sound in response. �Never keep yourself away from me ever again.� He couldn�t help the sound of his words, the sharpness of every syllable. Because he truly meant it. Such a powerful reminder of how exhilarating her proximity was reminded him of how little he had been able to touch her like this. He traced a path with his tongue down to her neck. She whimpered. �I want you to promise that you won�t ever walk away from me like you did the other night,� he breathed, his lips lightly touching her skin with every word. �You have to be mine now, Granger.� The possession in his words was more apparent that he intended. But he couldn�t help it. He didn�t want to help it. Not when she was against him like this.

�Are- are you trying to say I belong to you now?� she asked, her voice breathless as she arched her back against the wall. Her breasts pressed flat against his chest and Draco struggled to refrain from taking her right there.

�Yes,� he growled in response, kissing the corner of her mouth, �Not that you�ll ever agree to it.� He caught her bottom lip between his teeth and tugged on it lightly.

She let out another sound. �You�re right,� she murmured, mouth seeking out his when it moved away, �I absolutely don�t agree to it.�

�Not yet, anyway,� he added, dropping his hands from her arms and reaching underneath her to lift her slightly off the ground and up against him. She murmured softly with the sudden movement, her arms instinctively wrapping around his neck. He felt his hardened cock press firmly in between her legs. Draco moaned with the contact. �But you will.�

It felt unbelievable when her legs wrapped around his waist, the pressure pressing him even firmer into her. Her head fell back against the stone, eyes fluttering shut momentarily.

�Fuck, Granger,� he rasped, �You have no idea what you do to me. You have no idea how painful it�s been waiting to do this to you again.�

He watched as that delightful pink flush across her cheeks. Draco loved that he could still make her do that. He loved that after everything, he could still say things that would make her blush. It reminded him of just how new to this she was. Just how untouched she was. How he had been the first one she ever felt inside her.

Draco groaned at the thought.

She murmured a sound in response, her voice jolting as he suddenly pushed away from the wall and walked them over to floor space in the middle of the furniture. He didn�t want to go upstairs. He couldn�t bare to break the contact. Not for a second.

He lowered her onto the large rug in front of the fire, Hermione�s beautiful hair sprawling across the floor as she laid back. Draco let the weight of his body fall against her.

He was so uncomfortably restricted in his clothes. She was so excruciatingly covered in hers.

Hermione kissed the bruise on his jaw. �Is this- is this new?� she asked in between the kisses and sounds of heavy breathing. Her back arched up against him again.

He didn�t respond. Now wasn�t the time. She didn�t need to know about the latest fight between him and Potter. That name- Potter- brought an unwelcome wave of remembrance back to Draco.

And the kiss that boy had shared earlier with the girl writhing underneath him.

Draco pressed himself harder into Hermione. �Undo the buttons on your shirt,� he demanded, his teeth nipping at the curve of her neck.

�Do it yourself,� she retorted, her hand sliding up his neck and grabbing a fistful of his hair as his teeth caught her skin again.

Ordinarily Draco would love the backchat. He would relish the challenge. But suddenly he wanted her � no � needed her to submit to his commands. He needed her to submit to him completely. It was the only way she could compensate for what he had suddenly remembered she�d done with Potter. The same boy that wanted to do to her exactly what Draco was doing to her right now.

�No, Granger,� he replied, his voice lower than before, �Undo them yourself. I want to watch you.�

He caught her eyebrows lowering slightly. Hermione�s instinctive defiance was shooting across her face. But Draco was having none of it. He wanted her to do exactly as he said. He absolutely needed it on a level he couldn�t explain.

After a brief moment�s hesitation, Draco added, �And I want you to imagine that Potter is watching all of this.�

Hermione�s frown deepened, confusion blurring her arousal. �What?� she asked, her hands steadying where they had just begun to undo the first button on the stretched fabric of her shirt.

�I want you to imagine he�s watching me with you, Hermione,� growled Draco, his cock twitching at the idea of showing Potter just exactly what he could do to his precious best friend. �Imagine he can hear the sounds you make when I lick you... When I slide into you...�

The colour splashed across her face again. Draco knew it wasn�t just anger that caused the rush of blood to her skin. �That�s ridiculous, Draco-�

�No, Granger,� he hissed, his tone harder than he meant it to sound. His fingers raked against the fabric of her tights, �What�s ridiculous is you kissing him earlier today.�

Her breath halted.

Draco dug his fingers into the top of her thigh and, with one heavy tug, ripped a gaping hole in her tights. His fingers found the smoothness of her bare skin underneath and his eyes closed momentarily.

�I- uh... Draco...�

�I don�t want you to say anything,� he breathed. Draco was fully aware that, despite her shock, Hermione was still responding to his touch, the goosebumps on her skin grazing his fingers. �You don�t have to say anything,� he continued, fingers finding the waistband of her tights underneath her skirt and pulling down. Her hips lifted without request and he dragged the tights impatiently off her legs.

�I want to explain, Draco,� she gasped as his hands caressed her now completely exposed legs. They were perfect. Every curve of every muscle, every fading bruise. He desperately wanted to push them apart and bury his mouth in between them.

�No fucking explanations, Granger,� he rasped, shoving his leg in between her thighs to push them apart, �Just imagine he�s here. And you don�t need to say anything.�

�I can�t, Draco-�

�Yes you can.�

Despite everything, she was still completely his in this moment. Still writhing against him. Still murmuring softly at his touches. It was driving him wild.

�I- I don�t want this to be about him, Draco,� she insisted, whimpering as his hands bunched her skirt roughly around her waist. He traced his fingers lightly across the white cotton of her knickers.

Hermione shivered violently.

�Trust me,� replied Draco, struggling now to form his words. �This is definitely about you. This is so fucking completely about you.�

She bit her lip in response.

�Now undo your shirt, Granger,� he demanded, resting his weight on one elbow as his fingers on the other hand continued to trace patterns against her knickers.

He watched her hands quiver as they moved slowly down the buttons on her shirt. Her eyelids were fluttering at his touch. She moaned softly whenever he pressed his fingertips just that little bit harder into her.

Draco became increasingly impatient. He stopped stroking her so that he could help pull the shirt off her shoulders, unclasping her bra all in the same hurried, rough movement before dragging the straps down her arms. He tossed it aside.

�Lie down for me again,� he rasped, pulling his own shirt from his body and watching as her eyes drank him in. �Put your arms above your head.�

Hermione lay down, stretching her arms out on the ground above her. Draco growled under his breath. Her breasts were completely exposed to him as she obeyed his every word. And that obedience alone was enough to almost send him over the edge. His cock was straining painfully now in his clothes, but this wasn�t about him yet. His brain hadn�t got to the part. He still had things he needed to do before he could even begin to tend to himself.

�Good girl, Granger,� he murmured, lowering his head and pressing his mouth into hers. He felt her suck onto his bottom lip, her arms finding their way back around his neck. �No,� he breathed, interrupting the kiss. �Keep your arms there.� There was slight hesitation this time, but through her shallow breathing Hermione relented quickly. Their mouths met again, his tongue urgently sliding against hers.

Draco�s fingers trailed down in between her breasts, down towards her belly button. He circled it a couple of times before trailing further down to the hem of her knickers.

He had to feel her.

�Are you ready for me to touch you properly now, Granger?� he asked, breaking the kiss.

She nodded weakly, her chest rising and falling dangerously fast.

�Tell me your ready for me to touch you.�

�I�m- I�m ready for you to touch me, Draco.�

Fuck, those words sounded beautiful.

His fingers hovered teasingly at the top of her knickers.

If only you could see this, Potter.

�Draco...� she murmured, her voice quietly pleading. Impossibly his cock hardened further.

�Just- just tell me more, Hermione. Tell me how much you want me to touch you.� He could barely force the words from his mouth. They sounded dark and sharp.

�Draco...� He could hear the frustration in her voice. �I want- so much- I need you to touch me again...�

And with that Draco slid his fingers underneath the cotton of her knickers.

�Granger,� he groaned, his forehead falling against hers. The heat radiating off her was overwhelming. He began to move his fingers in slow, rhythmic circles. �So beautiful,� he murmured again. The words were nowhere near enough for what he wanted to say.

A continuation of small sounds began escaping her mouth. Slowly, Draco slid a finger through her wetness.

She moaned loudly.

�Do you...� Draco trailed off, struggling fiercely to form a coherent sentence. �Do you want my fingers inside you, Hermione?� he breathed. �Tell me.�

She nodded, eyes squeezed shut as his thumb circled her faster now.

�Say it out loud,� demanded Draco.

Say it out loud so that I know. And so that if he was here he�d know too.

�Oh- god-� she gasped, �I want your fingers- I want your fingers inside me, Draco...�

Fuck - he wanted to taste the words themselves. He buried his mouth into hers, sucking her tongue urgently between his lips. As he did so, he pushed one finger slowly into her.

She was so wet. So gloriously wet for him.

Hermione moaned into his mouth.

Draco broke the kiss. �Look at me, Hermione.�

She opened her eyes.

�I need you to look at me as you feel me...� He ground the words out through his teeth, pushing a second finger into her.

Another wonderfully strangled sound escaped her mouth, but her gaze didn�t waver from his. And the look in her dark eyes as his fingers moved slowly in, and then out of her, was a look he wanted to drink in, consume, never let go of.

Her breathing was getting faster now. He felt her muscles tighten around his fingers.

�Tell me you�re mine, Granger,� he growled, lips inches from her face as his fingers continued to move in and out of her. �Tell me you�re mine now. And mean it.�

�I�m- oh god- I�m yours, Draco,� she replied, breathlessly, her eyes squeezing shut again, unable to focus on his any longer. �I�m yours...�

Fuck. Those words. Those words were everything to him. He saw fucking sparks when she said those words.

She was growing close to a climax. And he could barely hold it together himself. His breathing was growing increasingly erratic, his mouth watering uncontrollably at the sight of her flushed and glistening skin. He heard the tiny murmurs from her lips, felt her body quiver fiercely under his as she reached the edge of her orgasm.

�Come for me, Hermione.�

He felt her muscles contract against his fingers as her orgasm shook violently through her. Her back arched as the waves washed over her body, her mouth opened and a stream of incoherent sounds flowed through her lips.

Draco watched her hungrily, his mouth drenched in moisture, his cock painfully swollen.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

She would never look so glorious as she did when she was coming.

He needed her. Now.

He slid his fingers out of her and frantically pulled on his zipper. It took him too many seconds to clumsily release his cock from the oppressive fabric of his trousers.

�I need to be inside you now, Hermione.�

The desperate sound that escaped her mouth in response was all the permission Draco needed. He tugged urgently at her knickers, dragging them down only enough so that she could lift one leg out of them, before he positioned himself in between her legs.

He felt the tip of his cock touch her wetness, and it took everything he had not to push into her with rough abandon. He had to keep it controlled. He couldn�t hurt her, despite everything clouding his mind and judgement and rationality in that moment.

He lowered his head and kissed her again, taking her lips in his and slowly pushing his tongue into hers. After a few seconds, Draco broke the kiss and raised his head.

He looked straight into her eyes. �I love you, Hermione,� he whispered.

He heard the tiny gasp of air from her mouth. Her eyes seemed to glisten in the flickering light of the fire. �I love you too,� she breathed.

And those words � they would have been enough to last him a lifetime. They were almost enough to compensate for everything - everything Draco had endured in his life up until this point.

They were her words, and they loved him.

With only the briefest moment of hesitation, Draco slid himself fully and completely inside her. His loud groan filled the room as the corners of his vision darkened.

She felt- indescribable. So hot, so wet, so tight against him. He forgot how to breathe for the longest of moments.

And then he felt her hips urging him to move. And it compelled him in a way he had absolutely no control over. He drew himself out completely, before pushing into her once again. That feeling coupled with the unimaginably delicious sounds pouring from her mouth made him lose his final grip on composure. She was surrounding him and he could barely form coherent thoughts. There were no thoughts. No thoughts but the feeling of her. Soft and tight and hot and wet. And her body shifting against the ground underneath them as he drove into her again and again.

�Hermione- so fucking beautiful-�

His hand gripped her hip as he buried himself deeper, impossibly deeper into her, listening to all the little sounds caught in her throat as his skin smacked into hers with every thrust. Her back arched, her hips meeting his with every movement. He felt her fingernails rake down his back and a low growl escaped his mouth in response, loudly reverberating against the walls around them. His mouth was somewhere against her neck, his teeth found her pulse and before he could stop himself they were buried into her skin, biting down on it so hard he heard her whimper loudly in pain. But it didn�t stop him. It couldn�t stop him. And the hand that grabbed a fistful of his hair was only pushing him harder into her neck. He could almost taste the blood at it rushed to the surface of her skin.

His movements were erratic now, pounding himself deeper and then harder into her again and again and over again. He felt himself nearing the edge far too soon. He hated himself for it and he hated her for doing it to him. For being so indescribably fucking perfect around his cock that he couldn�t function or concentrate or keep himself from plummeting hard and fast over that edge.

�H-Hermione...� The warning sounded strangled in his throat.

But her sounds were louder now, too. Her body was shaking violently and her nails were digging into his back spectacularly hard. She was just as close to that edge. Her body shook so violently that Draco had to grip her even harder as his pace quickened further, desperately willing her to make those beautiful sounds that much louder.

And then he felt it, the phenomenal feeling around his cock as her orgasm crashed through her, her back arching higher than before and the sound from her mouth so impossibly fucking divine that before he knew it, he came crashing down himself. The waves of spectacular release swept through him like it was the first time he had ever felt such a feeling. He couldn�t breathe with it, sliding into her those last few times as they both shuddered under the final moments of their climax.

And then suddenly, for the first time since Draco could remember, everything in his head went quiet.

Everything became completely still.

He could barely remember how it felt, feeling almost calm like this. His mind silent. It was a kind of release that he didn�t except and barely understood.

But it felt amazing.

A few moments passed, and Draco�s forehead fell onto hers. The room was still filled with his heavy breathing and soft murmurs from Hermione�s mouth.

She was stroking the back of his head softly, her eyes looking up into his.

�Are you okay?� she whispered, her lips swollen from the marks of his teeth.

Draco nodded, swallowing.

And then he felt compelled to say it once again. Even though both of them knew it wasn�t enough- even though both of them knew it didn�t come close to it...

�I love you, Hermione,� he breathed.

A small smile spread across her lips. She raised her chin and planted a soft kiss on his mouth.

�I love you too, Draco.�

*
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