Survivor's Guilt | By : SpeedyTomato Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Lucius Views: 34080 -:- Recommendations : 3 -:- Currently Reading : 4 |
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter nor do I make any money of this dark dance of Harry Potter fanfic. |
Chapter 21
Beta'd by the amazing Tenchi. Thanks, Tenchi, you're the best!
Sitting at the table, listening to Draco, Dudley and Lucius talk about something or other, he wasn't sure what because he was tuning out most everything, only hearing the voices, Harry was staring out the window. It had been a couple days since he broke the mirror, cutting himself up pretty good, and the anger just didn't seem to want to go away. It was there about everything, it didn't matter what. So far, he had managed to keep his temper in check and not say anything to anyone or pick a fight, but there were times that it was hard to do, that's for damned sure. He didn't know why either. Over the last decade, he had managed to put a leash on his temper and control it. Now, well, he didn't seem to be able to do that. It was there, all the time, about everything. For the most part, he was avoiding everyone so he didn't snap at them, but he couldn't at times. Honestly? He didn't want to either. He liked being around others even if he didn't say anything. Just the sounds of them talking seemed to help him feel like he wasn't alone in the world.
Though he never said anything to anyone, he didn't like that alone feeling anymore. There was a part of him that wanted to be around people all the time, like he had been in school. That made him feel much better about the things that were going on and dealing with the nightmare of his life. It didn't fix everything, that's for damned sure, but it helped and made him feel normal once more. Or as close as normal was for him.
Tuning back into the conversation when Lucius said his name, he looked at the man to ask what he said since he hadn't heard it, when Ron and Hermione came in. Giving an internal sigh at seeing them, he reminded himself once more not to lose his temper. Somehow or other, Ron seemed to be the one person that made it hard to control. He didn't know why that was. The only thing that he could think of was there had been some subtle jabs at Lucius about several things and the seeming insistence that there was something nefarious behind him staying here. There wasn't, of course, and most had figured that out by now, but Ron seemed to be persisting in that line of thought, just waiting for something or other to cause him problems. Hermione was alright, but she tried mother-henning him too much for his comfort, that's for damned sure.
After exchanging a few pleasantries with his friends, Harry's eyes narrowed as he looked at Ron. This was the first time the two of them had seen Draco over here. It seemed that Ron was already starting to make jabs at the younger Malfoy because he didn't like his presence. That set fire to the fuse on his temper. Draco, though the relationship was strained between the two of them, no doubt there, had been fine with everything. Dudley liked him a lot and Draco seemed to feel the same way about his cousin. As long as Draco didn't start shite, he didn't care if he was around. In fact, he'd been a big aid in finding something to help him gain weight and had come to tend to his arms.
Listening to a very subtle underhanded jab at Draco, Harry was starting to fume. Grinding his teeth, he glared at Ron, clutching onto his bottle of butterbeer so tightly that his knuckles were white. Just as Ron was opening his mouth once more, though Draco was not doing or saying anything to cause it, Harry had enough. Snarling, he flung the bottle across the room, making sure that it wasn't aimed at anyone or they wouldn't get hit with it, relishing in hearing it smash. Standing up, eyes on fire, he put his hands on the table and glared at his old friend. “That's e-fucking-nough, Ron! I've had it! It's my fucking house. I'll have whoever the hell I want in it! Draco is here and I don't give a shite what you think about it. He's sure as hell acting more civilized than you are! In fact, he's been a big help! That's sure as fuck more than you've been!”
Pale, staring at Harry, not sure what to make of the anger, Ron swallowed thickly then looked at an equally stunned Hermione. “Harry, just calm down--” He didn't get any further than that when Harry cut him off.
“Don't fucking tell me to calm down, Ron! You have no clue what's been going on. You show up to look good now because you're feeling guilty over what happened. Know what? I don't need that shite! I never needed it! I needed you lot around, but that didn't happen, did it? You were too busy all the time. So, know what? I found some others. Lucius and Dudley helped a helluva lot more than you did, that's for damned sure. And don't start on Draco! He's been fine! In fact, he's been a big help. He's here because I'm letting him come. You don't like it? Then it's you that can get the fuck out and not bother to come back! I don't give a shite!” Harry snarled glaring at his old friend. Chest heaving, he locked eyes with Ron. “You know where the door is, Ron. Use it if you don't like who I have around because I rightly don't give a shite!” Straightening up, he was horrified by the fact that he actually wanted to take a swing at his old friend. That he wasn't going to do. So, instead he muttered some excuse and stormed out, slamming the door to the room behind him as hard as he could before heading towards the stairs.
As dead silence descended, Dudley looked at the door Harry left through for a moment then began to grin. Chuckling, he looked at the stunned redhead whose mouth was opening and closing, no sounds coming out, a completely gobsmacked expression on his face. A glance at Lucius and Draco showed they, too, were grinning slightly. Rubbing the back of neck, he snorted, “We were wondering which one of us was going to be the one that Harry lost his temper on the first time. Looks like you're the unlucky one, Ron!”
Stunned, looking at Hermione, who was just staring at the door, Ron just managed to stammer out, “What the hell was that?”
Grinning bigger, Dudley said, “It's called Harry is getting better. Right now we're just getting a lot of his temper, but at least he's feeling something and showing it!”
Snickering, finding the look on Weasley's face hilarious, Draco added, making sure his tone was even, “It's a good sign, take my word for it. It's far better than what he was like.”
Looking at the door then to Draco, still stunned, Hermione asked, quietly, “What do you mean? How is that better?”
“He's showing emotion,” Draco told her softly. “In his case, it's anger. For some it's sadness, humor or something else. This is just what he's managing with. It's a good sign, meaning the potions and therapy are working. He'll even out soon and the other parts will come back as he works through what he's dealing with. Just give it time and try not to take it personally.”
On his end, Lucius was pleased. This was far better than anything they had seen so far. Nodding, he said, “It's nothing to worry about.” Standing, he said, “I'm going to check on him.” Harry was trying to control his temper, they all knew that, but there had been a couple instances of him hitting something. So far he hadn't hurt himself, other than the incident with the mirror, but he wanted to make sure. After a nod to everyone, he left the room.
“Don't worry about it,” Dudley said quietly. “He's been really short tempered the last couple of days. His doctor said it's a good sign and a breakthrough. He'll be fine in a few days then apologize. He's been a bit short with all of us. Just take it for what it is and don't let it bother you.”
“You're sure?” Hermione asked quietly. Harry had a temper, she knew that, having seen it plenty of times before. Never had he blown up on one of them like that, though!
“It's nothing to worry about,” Draco confirmed with a nod. “He took his godfather's room apart a couple days ago and accidentally hurt himself doing it. Since then he's been like this. It just means he's starting to come back, nothing more. It's not personal.”
Staring at the door still, not sure what to think of what was said, though there was some guilt over it, Ron asked, “Should we stay or is it best we go?”
Scratching his chin, thinking, Dudley said, tone distracted, “I'm not sure, mate. Honestly? You might want to give him a couple days to calm down. He'll apologize and you can move on. Lucius will talk to him some then he'll be fine. It's nothing to worry about, honestly.”
Looking at Hermione, seeing her nod, Ron said, “We'll go. Just tell him we'll be back in a couple days.” Seeing Dudley nod, he put a hand on Hermione's shoulder then led her out, stopping once to look at the door Harry stormed out of.
Watching them go, Dudley grinned bigger when he heard the front door shut. Mumbling, he said, “Couldn't have happened to a nicer person. Glad it was him that got it and not us. Maybe some of what Harry said will sink in.”
“I can't say I'm displeased that I wasn't the one on the receiving end of that show of temper,” Draco said, trying not to snort in laughter. However, what he didn't say was it felt good that Harry had actually stood up for him and didn't let it continue on. Plenty of people still made those kind of sneaky insults to him. No, they weren't ever overt, but they were there. It was nice to have someone tell them to knock it off for once even though he was surprised that Potter had done it. After all, Potter had lots of ammo against him and there would be plenty he could say if he wanted to. It was nice that he didn't though and had fought the urge to do so.
Reading a book before he turned the lights out and tried to sleep, Lucius was relaxed. For the first time since coming to stay with Harry, he was hopeful that things were finally starting to look up. No, Harry's temper wasn't a pleasant thing, that's for sure, though the younger man was trying not to take it out on everyone, but it was far better than everything else they had seen up to this point. Even earlier, when in his room after storming out and still being furious, it was something Lucius had no problem with. The ire wasn't directed at him. Harry just vented, pacing, swearing and snarling about Ron as well as other things. He had just listened, something that helped Harry calm down. That he could handle.
Rubbing his eyes in a tired way, he was startled by a soft knock on the door. If it was one of the elves, they would have just popped in to grab him. So, it had to be Harry. Setting the book aside, he propped himself up more than bade Harry to come in, waiting.
Shuffling into the room, looking down, Harry sighed then glanced at Lucius. “I wanted to say I'm sorry about the temper tantrum earlier. It couldn't have been fun to deal with.” Shaking his head, folding his arms over his chest, shoulders slumped, Harry didn't know what to say to the man. This wasn't the reason he had come into the room, but it was a good excuse to start out with.
“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Lucius told him gently. “In fact, I don't mind at all. I much prefer this to some of the other things I've seen from you,” he admitted quietly.
“I'm trying to keep my temper under control. It's just not working well right now,” Harry told him with a shake of his head, shifting from one foot to the other, staring at the floor.
“You're doing fine,” Lucius soothed, the corners of his mouth turning up slightly.
Rubbing his eyes with two fingers, Harry sighed, nodding. Now he wasn't sure what to say. There was something he wanted to ask, but wasn't certain how it would be taken, honestly.
Looking at the younger man, Lucius asked, quietly, wondering because of the body language he was seeing, “Was there something else, Harry?”
“Yeah,” Harry admitted with a slight nod, arms folded over his chest, staring at the floor.
Sitting there, waiting, Lucius wondered what it could be. After a couple minutes of awkward silence, he said, gently, “What is it? You know you can talk to me about anything.”
Staring at the floor, Harry sighed, “Just—well--I'm--” Stopping, he huffed, not sure how to get it out.
“Just say it.” Lucius prodded gently, now more curious than ever.
“Right now,” Harry started, trailing off. Reaching up, he rubbed a hand over his face then sighed, trying to screw up his courage. Finally, he managed to get out after a few moments of stiffening his spine, “I'm not real comfortable being alone tonight. I don't know why. Would you mind either coming in to stay with me or me staying here? Either one works. You know, it's not something—well, you know,” he shrugged, flushing slightly.
“I wouldn't think it was,” Lucius chuckled softly, smirking a little. “Somehow I don't think you're interested in anything sexual right now.”
“Not been for a few years now,” Harry admitted with a grumble, shaking his head. “I'm just not liking the idea of being alone is all. Not sure why there, it's just happening.” Stopping, he finally was able to look at the man and waited for his reaction.
Thinking that over for a couple seconds, Lucius then nodded. He assumed that this had to do with whatever Harry was dealing with right now. After all, the younger man had been sitting with all of them all the time for the last couple days, seemingly just to be around someone. It was probably extending to this. Smirking, he said, “As long as you don't expect me to fall asleep in the chair. That is rather uncomfortable and makes the back ache.”
“Naw, my bed is big enough,” Harry shrugged, flushing slightly. “Just—well, you know—I'm not going to try anything.”
“Harry, with the shape you're in, the thought never crossed my mind,” Lucius told him with an amused snort. Sliding out of bed, Lucius slipped into his robe then walked over and put a hand on the young man's shoulder. Giving it a squeeze, he said, “Lead the way.”
Relieved Lucius didn't take it badly, Harry nodded. Headed back towards his room, he said, softly, “Thanks. It's appreciated.”
“It's not a hardship,” Lucius told him. “Besides, you have a wonderful breeze from your balcony, something I don't get. It makes it nice to sleep.”
“Yeah, that's the one good thing about the room,” Harry admitted when he stepped in the door to his chambers. Stopping, he asked, “Which side do you want?”
“It doesn't matter, Harry,” Lucius said, slipping his robe off and laying it on the foot of the bed.
Nodding, Harry slid into his normal side and turned, facing the balcony. When he felt Lucius slide into the other side, he gave a contented sigh and shut his eyes. Just the fact that the man was close made him feel a lot better and more relaxed. He wasn't sure what was causing this, really, but if this worked and Lucius didn't mind, he was going to go with it.
Shifting around to get comfortable, Lucius sighed when he found the right spot and position. Stretching out, he looked out the open balcony door, liking the cool breeze coming in. This was comfortable.
Lying there, eyes shut, Harry asked, quietly, “Can I ask you a question?”
“Of course,” Lucius told him, wondering what this was about.
“I know I have a while to decide yet, but I wanted your opinion. Do you think it would be fine if I quit the Ministry completely? It's not really a job I wanted anyway. It—well, it was a compromise after the war. Looking back, I think they wanted me more than I wanted to be there. Even me being an Unspeakable was a compromise when I couldn't force myself to go into Auror training.”
“I don't see a problem with you quitting if you don't want to do that, Harry. Where you were working—that didn't help any of what you're dealing with right now, in my opinion. If what I know of you is correct, you don't really have to work. If you do, you can take on any job you want or become something akin to self employed. I don't think anyone would say anything to you if you did,” Lucius said softly, looking at the younger man.
“I—I think it was an obsession for a while, something I needed to explain some things. Now—I don't want to go back. I get that I might change my mind before the time comes that I need to make a choice, but there isn't anything down there I want to do, honestly. And I don't think I even like it down there. My boss is fine, he really is. He's a great guy. So are the people I work with, I just don't want to do that job anymore. I'm not sure what I want to do, honestly, but I can't see myself going back there either. It's—the memories of that place,” Harry told him with a sigh.
“Then don't,” Lucius told him, rolling onto his side, facing Harry's back. “There is no sense in forcing yourself to do a job that gives you issues when you don't need it in the first place. I'm sure that you will find something that you want to do at some point. Right now, I would say give it a year off before you decide anything. Give yourself a chance to get better, regain your bearings and press on. Then decide what path you want to take. Is there anything you really want to do that you can pursue?”
Flopping onto his back, lacing his fingers behind his head, Harry stared at the ceiling then said, “The only thing I ever really adored was flying. I don't mean playing Quidditch professionally, just flying. That's not something I can make a career of.”
Propping himself up on an elbow, Lucius looked at Harry. Thinking it over, he shook his head, “You never know. There may be a way. You just have to figure it out. However, why not go to your solicitor and find someone to help you invest your assets. That will give you plenty of security to take some time off before you decide what you want to do, if anything. I don't see where you taking some time for yourself and doing what you find pleasurable is a bad thing, Harry. Travel, stay here and find a hobby, something you want to do. I can't see anyone begrudging you taking time for yourself and doing something you like for a while.”
Nodding slowly, Harry thought it over. “Maybe that is a good idea. It'll give me some time to decide anyway. Thanks, Lucius,” he said, looking at the man.
“Nothing to thank me for,” Lucius told him with a shake of his head. Lowering his voice, he said, “If there is anyone I know that deserves just some time to do what they want, it's you. You're entitled to it. Find something you like and go that way. You never know, you may be able to make something out of it you'll adore.”
Looking at the man, Harry nodded again, “We'll see.” Sighing, feeling better that he was able to talk about that and had company so he wasn't alone, he shifted around and shut his eyes. “Goodnight, Lucius.”
Lying back down, Lucius replied, “Goodnight, Harry,” as he shut his eyes.
Swimming out of the murky pond of sleep, Lucius rubbed his eyes, not sure what pulled him into the waking world. Looking around, he could see that it was still dark so it wasn't that it was morning. Slightly befuddled, he wondered what it was as there was no danger here and no reason to be on alert, then he felt it; a body pressed to his and an arm flopped over his waist. Looking down, confused, he could see a mop of messy hair from the person pressed to him and feel the weight of a head resting on his shoulder. Then he remembered that he was in Harry's room with the man. Relaxing, he shut his eyes. As it had been a long time since he had someone in his bed to sleep with, that's probably why it had woken him. Reaching out, unable to help himself, he ran his fingers through Harry's hair. Hearing a soft sigh from the man, he smiled slightly. This was comfortable, that's for sure and he didn't mind it in the least. In fact, it felt good.
Gently, being careful not to wake Harry, he rolled onto his side and pulled the young man closer. Draping an arm over him, he rested his head against Harry's and relaxed. This wasn't the intent when Harry asked him to share the bed, he knew that, but somehow he thought, maybe, that it wasn't a bad thing. After all, if Harry trusted him enough to want him here, that meant he was some form of comfort. And, honestly, for him it felt good as well and wasn't any kind of hardship.
Rubbing Harry's back softly, he quickly felt himself drift away once more, that small smile still on his face.
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