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Amore et Amicitia	By : Kimmimaru Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Sirius/James Views: 6685 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any characters or settings by JK Rowling. I make no profit from this story.

Chapter List
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Chapter Twenty-One: Hoc sánguinem, Hoc cor ... (This Blood, This Heart...)

James missed Sirius on the train, he searched everywhere but was unable to find him. When the Hogwarts Express pulled into the station he began searching the platform for any sign of his friend, he was afraid. He was terrified of what had happened and he had to know if Sirius was alright. Remus watched James run off into the packed platform, over the general chatter they all heard the familiar sound of Hagrid’s booming voice as he called the first years to him.

James pushed his way roughly through the crowd, his eyes scanning every face. Finally he spotted a figure he recognised and tried to move forward, he was prevented by a few people standing in his way. He took a deep breath; “SIRIUS!” He shouted, people turned to look at him with frowns. “SIRIUS BLACK! DON’T IGNORE ME!”

The figure stopped, James saw that he had his head lowered and his hands clenched into fists. He grinned and managed to escape the press of bodies, he burst through and broke into a sprint. He ran up to Sirius and grabbed him, spinning him around to face him. “Thank god you’re alright!” He gasped and embraced him, he felt Sirius stiffen and noticed he didn’t respond. With a frown he pulled away with his hands on Sirius’ shoulders, he took a good hard look at his face. “What’s wrong?” He asked.

“James...” Sirius breathed softly, his silver eyes were as dark as a stormy sky. His face was white as he lifted a hand and ran a finger down James’ cheek.

“Come this way...” James whispered and pulled Sirius towards a nearby clump of bushes, they hid themselves behind the conductor’s cabin. “What happened? What did they do to you?”

Sirius shook his head, his face twisting. “I can’t...I can’t...” Suddenly he seemed to shatter like a delicate peice of glass. “I’m supposed to hate you!” He whispered and slammed James into the cabin, their lips met in a furious kiss. Their tongues tangled and James grabbed handfuls of Sirius’ hair, they groaned heavily as they kissed and let the moment get away from them. “James...” Sirius drew away. “We have to stop.” He pulled himself out of James’ embrace.

“What? Why?” James replied, adjusting his glasses and trying to regain his lost composure.

Sirius looked away towards where their classmates were climbing onto the horseless carriages. “Toujours Pur...” He breathed and tucked an errant strand of hair behind his ear. “Always pure, Jamie. I should never have met you, I should never have started...whatever the fuck this is...” He finally looked back. “What we have is dangerous, it’s wrong...I’m wrong. You’re a bloodtraitor, I can’t be friends with you anymore.” He took a step away from James before pausing with his back to him. “I’m sorry.”

James stood still, he couldn’t find any words as he watched Sirius walk away from him for what could be the last time. He took a shuddery breath and felt his knees buckle, he grabbed the shed for support and gasped as he fought back the agony tearing at his heart. “S-Sirius...” He muttered and closed his eyes.

XXX

James watched Sirius at the table, he gazed blankly at his empty plate and was ignoring all attempts to gain his attention. A hand on James’ shoulder made him jump and he turned to see Remus looking at him in concern. “What happened? Why is Sirius sitting all the way over there?”

James looked back at his best friend and took a shuddery breath, he clenched his hands into fists. “He’s not our friend anymore, Remus.” He said softly and looked away. “He’ll never be our friend...never...” He put his head in his hands and sighed shakily.

“What happened?!” Remus asked again in a lower tone.

“He...He’s a Black. That’s what happened. He’s a Slytherin. We should hate him. We have to...I...” James felt an unfamiliar pain in his eyes and he quickly wiped at them, he gritted his teeth and avoided looking at anyone.

Remus looked over at Sirius a moment before frowning. “Something happened over summer...” He breathed. “We’ll talk to him, we’ll change his mind, we’ll...”

“It’s too late!” James snapped furiously. “They got to him! They got into his head and c-changed him! H-He’s right! If we continue to be his friend we’ll end up tarred simply because of who he is! He’s the heir to the Black household...Toujours Pur, Remus.”

“Always Pure?” Remus frowned. “Is that what he said?”

James nodded. “It’s the Black family motto...to show off their pride in their pure blood. It’s disgusting.”

Remus fell silent and looked down at the table, he gazed at his untouched food for a while. He liked Sirius, despite his numerous faults, he really liked him and had no wish to lose his friendship. He sighed and lowered his head. “Sirius...what can we do?” He whispered.

XXX

Sirius sat on his bed and gazed out the window, for the first time since his first year he wished he wasn’t in school. He wished he could go away and never return...it would be easier than having to endure his roommates confused stares and hurt expressions. He gripped the duvet in his hands and lowered his head he felt a tightness in his chest as he remembered the feel of James’ lips against his own. A broken sob escaped him and he wrapped both arms around himself.

“I’m not gay.” He breathed as he rocked back and forth. “I’m not gay. I’m not a bloodtraitor. I’m not their friend! I’m Sirius Black...heir to the Black family...I have duties...I-I have to...” He trailed off and opened his eyes, suddenly a burst of humourless laughter escaped him and he fell backwards onto his bed. “Toujours Pur...” he closed his eyes and felt emotion burn his chest, his breathing hitched and before he could stop himself he was crying. He rolled over onto his side and curled into a ball, he cried silently into his pillows.

When Remus, James and Peter entered they saw him lying on his bed, his shirt open and his tie falling half way down his exposed chest. James looked at him with soft eyes before Remus pushed past him and sat on the bed, he began methodically undressing him. “He can’t sleep in his clothes.” He murmured. “No matter what he is, what he’s done, I won’t let him hurt himself.”

James heard the determination in Remus’ voice and swallowed, he nodded and moved to help him.

XXX

The next four weeks passed in monotonous boredom and depression for Sirius, he resigned himself to having to live in the dark haze for the rest of his life and made sure that if that was to happen he would end it as soon as he was able. He didn’t much care about hurting anyone, he just didn’t want to feel as if there was a fog over his life that was suffocating him. As Halloween moved closer he withdrew almost completely from human contact, he ignored those who tried to speak to him except for his cousins and relatives in Slytherin. He would be seen hanging around with them in hallways, in the grounds and by the entrance to the dungeons.

Regulus enjoyed having his brother around, and they spent time together but Sirius was quiet. He spent time just staring into space or listening absently to the drone of conversation as it went over his head. When Regulus asked him what was wrong Sirius would turn to him and blink as if he had been interrupted during a day dream, he would smile and ruffle Regulus’ hair before telling him he was fine.

James avoided Sirius whenever he could, when he couldn’t he pretended he didn’t exist. In the dorms the two would turn their backs on each other, Remus despised it. The tension made him sick to the point where he ended up going to Poppy Pomfrey for help, she gave him some tonic for his stomach. During the full moon his change was more agonising than it had ever been before, his constant fear and the depression of his friends seemed to make the wolf more furious than it ever had been. He screamed until the sound tore his throat, he ripped at his own skin and gave himself more horrible scars. Poppy couldn’t understand it, she asked him what was wrong but he didn’t reply. He stayed in the Hospital Wing for longer and longer, desperate to delay returning to Gryffindor Tower, when he had no choice he stayed up until late in the common room and waited for everyone to fall asleep.

Lily was one amongst many who were curious about why James and Sirius were no longer spending time together, the Gryffindor’s were confused as to why James’ Quidditch skills had all but disappeared, he continued to drop the Quaffle, to fumble easy catches and his anger manifested itself in increasingly violent spectacles and ended with him being sent off. One evening Lily spotted Sirius standing in an empty class room on her way back from the library, she paused a moment before steeling her courage and entering the room.

Sirius turned to look at her through eyes as dark as tarnished steel. “Evans.” He said in a rough greeting. “To what do I owe the dubious pleasure?”

“You haven’t been with James since School began.” She said as she closed the door behind her. “Is everything alright? Sev tells me you’re hanging around with his group of friends now.”

Sirius turned his gaze back to the grounds. “And what does Snivelly think is the meaning behind this?”

“Don’t call him that.” Lily snapped. “He thinks it has something to do with your parents...” She chewed her lip before sighing. “Look, we don’t like each other, I think we can both agree to that much but half the school knows what happened last Christmas. We know you returned bashed up and something dreadful happened...”

“Where are you going with this?” Sirius asked in an insolently bored tone.

Lily frowned. “I’m just wandering if anyone’s been hurting you...?” She stepped forward nervously, clutching a pile of books to her chest. Sirius’ shoulders tensed and he pushed both hands into his hair as he turned his back on her. “I’m here if you need to talk...sometimes it’s better to talk to someone who you don’t know very well...”

Sirius sighed and his whole body slumped despondently. “I’m a Black...” He breathed. “Because of this I can’t be myself...I will never be able to fall in love, I’ll never be able to live my life the way I want to...I fought for a while. I pushed against the tide...but the tide’s a slow but unstoppable force, I have no choice. What’s done is done and there’s no going back...” He turned around and stepped towards her. She recoiled from him without thought as he grabbed her by the tops of her arms and kissed her. Her green eyes flew open and she froze. Slowly he pulled away with a chuckle that sounded more like a sob. “You’re pretty...” He said as he stroked hair from her eyes. “You’re supposed to be attractive...But I...” His eyes glistened, with a jolt Lily realised he was crying. His tears splashed onto her hands where she pressed them against his chest. “I’m gay Lily.” He breathed, using her first name for the first time. She gaped at him in surprise as he released her and stepped back. “I’m gay and I lost my virginity to a boy two years older than me...” He sighed and rubbed his eyes. “Don’t tell anyone...you can’t tell a soul. Promise me?”

Lily finally found her voice. “I-I promise, but...”

Sirius moved towards the door but paused with his hand on the handle. “Oh and Evans?” He turned and gazed at her over his shoulder, he smiled slightly. “Make sure James is alright, won’t you?”

Lily frowned but before she could say another word Sirius was gone.

XXX

The crowd screamed as James soared above them, he frowned in concentration and he grabbed the Quaffle as it soared towards him. He snatched it out the air to the sound of raucous applause, he heard the announcer as he sped towards the Slytherin goal posts.

“And Potter dodges yet another attack from Digby! He’s close...will he do it?! Will Potter be able to get himself and Gryffindor out of this funk?!”

There was a beat of silence as James drew close to the keeper, Allie hovered before the central hoop her eyes narrowed in concentration. Suddenly someone dived from on high, James gasped as he looked up to see one of Slytherin’s Chasers bombing him, he didn’t have time to dodge and they collided.

James fell but managed to grab his broom with one hand, he dragged himself back on, holding his wrist close to his chest as he took a second to control his breathing.

“AW! Looks like Potter’s lost the Quaffle!” The collective groans from the spectators made fury flash through James, he bared his teeth angrily. “Looks like he’s hurt!”

James swerved dangerously, dodging another green clad chaser, he put on a sudden burst of speed, lying flat on his broom as he drew closer to the boy who’d crashed into him. He grinned nastily as he suddenly reached...his fingers tightened on the back of the boy’s robes and he yanked him backwards.

“SHIT!” The boy swore as he re-stabilized his broom. “Potter!” he gasped, but before he could so much as defend himself James slammed his fist into the boy’s teeth. He felt a shock of agony sweep through his arm and winced as someone grabbed him from behind, a fist connected with his gut and he grunted before spinning his broom around in a spectacular display of dexterity and ended up having another fist connect with his face. He growled and spat blood out of his mouth, just as he drew back for another go a piercing whistle sliced the air.

“Looks like Hooch has spotted the fight! Aaaaand it’s over! She’s calling for a send off...Potter’s ruined Gryffindor’s chances at the house cup this year! Slytherin win, a hundred to ten.”

James landed and stumbled slightly, he swore furiously, spitting more blood to the floor and wiping his hand across his mouth before storming off the pitch with his broom in hand. He threw the door to the changing rooms open and changed as quickly as he could, he didn’t want to have to face the rest of his team.

Remus waited for his friend as people began leaving the stands, the Gryffindor Quidditch team all traipsed past him looking furious. Just before they entered James came out, he had a bruise developing on his jaw and a tooth missing, he glowered at the team captain as they halted before each other.

“Potter! What the fuck were you thinking?!” The captain shouted, people began crowding around them to listen.

“Fuck off, Cole!” James spat. “I’m not in the mood.”

Cole grabbed James by the scruff of his shirt and slammed him into the wall of the changing rooms. “That’s three times! Three times you’ve been off form and now this?! What the hell is wrong with you?! You’re my best chaser and I can’t afford to lose you, but carry on like this and you’ll be off the team!”

“Then do it!”James shouted into Cole’s red face. “Kick me!”

“Oh I’d like to do a hell of a lot more than that, Potter, don’t fucking tempt me!”

James grinned insanely and pushed Cole hard in the chest, the captain stumbled backwards as the rest of the team drew around him protectively. Cole hissed and lunged but, before he came within two inches of James he was thrown backwards by a loud explosion. People cried out and began looking around for the source, suddenly the gathered crowd began to shuffle away from a lone figure.

“Don’t you dare touch him.”

Remus felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end and he turned to see Sirius’ familiar face screwed up in anger, he had his wand pointed at Cole who was gaping at him. “Black! What the hell...?”

“I said don’t touch him.” Sirius growled in warning as Cole tried to climb to his feet. “Lay a single fucking hand on him and I will mount your balls on my wall as a trophy! Don’t think I’m joking either.” Behind Sirius stood his brother and a few other Slytherins, they were watching the spectacle with interest, their hands in their pockets. Remus noticed Sirius wasn’t wearing his tie.

“This has nothing to do with you, Black! Stay out of it!” Cole hissed as he stood up. “This is a team matter.”

Sirius’ wand didn’t waver. “This does concern me, Cole. It’s my fault.” His eyes flicked to James who was gazing at him with an unreadable expression.

James watched Sirius’ eyes meet his own and he saw the regret and pain there, he understood and with a barely perceptible nod he accepted what Sirius was doing. No matter what, Sirius would forever have an undying loyalty to James and his friends, even if he were to die he would protect them. He couldn’t escape it.

Cole looked utterly bewildered. “Whatever...next time Potter, keep your head!” He muttered and stormed into the changing rooms, Remus detected the slight quaver in his voice. Cole had felt it too, the odd aura of power surrounding Sirius that crackled and brunt the air around him.

Regulus stepped up behind his brother. “What are you doing?” He asked.

Sirius lowered his wand and shrugged. “Nothing...come on, match is over.” He walked off, followed by his brother who ran to keep pace.

Remus watched him go and sighed, James lowered his eyes. “Come on, you need to see Pomfrey so she can fix that tooth and McGongall can give you detention.” Remus said and drew James gently away from the changing rooms, Peter followed at their heels.

XXX

James stepped out of McGonagall’s office, he muttered furiously to himself about how unfair everything was as he began making his way through the dark corridors. Sighing heavily he traipsed up the stairs, movement ahead of him caught his attention and he frowned as he saw someone walking towards him. It was Lucas Harris, the Slytherin Head Boy. James stopped as the seventh year smiled as he passed, his eyes landed on his tie. He was wearing two. One was his usual green and silver and the other was crimson and gold. James frowned as the boy drew closer.

“Hope you’re not causing trouble, Potter or I’ll be forced to dock points and put you in detention...” Lucas said with a grin.

“Fuck off, Lucas. You know I was in detention with McGonagall.” James’ eyes took in the Gryffindor tie and he saw the rune Eolh drawn on the fat end of the tie. Recognition flashed through him and he grabbed the tie, the material slithered from around Lucas’ throat. “This is Sirius’ tie!” He exclaimed, Sirius marked his clothing using the Rune for protection to distinguish his clothes from the others. “What the hell are you doing with it?”

Lucas smirked, James wanted to punch the smug expression right off his face. “He let me have it as a reminder of him...after I’d tied him to my bed with it. He told me you knew he was gay.”

James stared at the tie, the lines were faded from where it had been washed repeatedly and even from where he held it so far from his face he could sill smell Sirius on it. “You mean he’s...?”

“Fucking just about every bloke who’s interested down in the dungeons? Yeah. I would call him a whore if he was taking money for it, but it seems to me that he’s trying to forget something. Not that I’m complaining.” He smirked and snatched the tie from James’ fingers. “I’ll be taking that back, thank you.” Lucas walked away as he stuffed Sirius’ tie into his pocket, then, as he reached the end of the corridor he paused and looked back. “I’d be careful if I were you, Potter, Black’s on the path to self destruction...I know what it’s like to have parents like his.” He sighed and ran a hand through his blond hair. “He needs friends before he lets someone really hurt him.” With that he disappeared.

James stood for a moment gazing into space, the only sounds were the soft snores of the myriad portraits running down both walls of the quiet corridor. Then he shoved his hands into his pockets and continued back to the common room, it was time he confronted Sirius.
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Amore et Amicitia