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"Why Me?"	By : SpeedyTomato Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male Views: 88153 -:- Recommendations : 4 -:- Currently Reading : 8
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter and make no money off this work of extreme insanity.

Chapter List
- 20
- 21
- 22
Beta'd by the amazing Tenchi. Love you, woman, you're the best!

With help from Lynn who works with me when it comes to flow, continuity and other issues.

Just a reminder of what's on my profile; reviews complaining or whinging about the lack 'o sex in stories will get deleted. If you want a smut-filled romp, you need to find another story to read.

Chapter 21:

Oh Shite!

Glancing at Tonks, eyes wide, Kingsley shook his head. He didn't know what to make of this. Of course, since finding out Sirius was innocent of what he had been sent to prison for, they had looked for Wormtail. They just never expected him to turn himself in! That's what he'd done, though. And he was talking. Oh, he admitted to what Sirius went to prison for, very quickly, plus plenty of other things since then. Now, though, what he was saying had Kingsley wondering if there wasn't some kind of mental problem going on. Because he was talking about Voldemort wearing sequin robes, hippogriff slippers and loving the color hot pink. Not to mention the Dark Lord having a massive crush on Remus and being bonded to Snape. Then there was the 'torture' of being given to Bella as her pet. This was—there was something wrong with Peter Pettigrew, no doubt there.
Leaning over and whispering to Tonks, he said, “I think someone from St. Mungos needs to come in and examine him.”
“Oh yes,” the stunned Tonks whispered back. “And we need to let someone know to get a message to Albus and the rest that he's in custody so they can tell someone he's about to be cleared. This though—there is something wrong with him.” Glancing at the shaking Peter Pettigrew, eying his neon purple hair and the tutu he was wearing, she shook her head. “If Rufus and Amelia don't call in the Mind Healers for this, I'll eat my wand! Because this makes no sense at all.”

Listening to the person they had confirmed was Peter Pettigrew, Amelia glanced at Rufus, a stunned look on her face. Shaking her head when he looked back with a similar expression on his face, she wasn't sure what to do. Some of this they could probably confirm and was the truth. Other parts? Yeah, there was no way in hell. That meant they were in a very odd position when it came to dealing with the situation.
When the shaking man quit babbling, the solicitor assigned to him asked for some time alone with his client to discuss their options. For that, Amelia was glad. That gave her time to confer with some people about what was going on.
Exiting the room, she looked around at the Aurors gathered there and Rufus then said, “We have a problem. He's unhinged. I don't know what's going on there, but we need someone to look at him before we do anything or decide where we're going with this.”
“We do,” Rufus said with a firm nod, crossing his arms over his chest. “We do need to do something, somewhere, about Black's wanted status. That part of the confession—yeah, I'm taking that as real because him even being alive confirms it. So, we need to do something. Mind Healers need to get involved in this, though, before we press on. I'm damned sure that they're going to confirm he is probably unfit for trial.”
About to answer, Amelia stopped when Solicitor Peacock came out. Looking at the man, she asked, “What do you want to do here, Bert?”
“I want someone from St. Mungos to check him before we do anything,” the man said, looking around. “I won't press for anything before they submit a report. That I need before I decide what I want to do. The mere mention of something like He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named singing show tunes and dancing at Death Eater meetings is enough to tell me this might be a case of insanity.”
“Understood,” Amelia sighed, silently agreeing with the man. “Let me get the lead prosecutor in here then contact St. Mungos for them to send someone.” Glancing at the still trembling man through the glass window of the room, she shook her head. This was going to turn their world on its ear. Shaking her head again, she went to alert the right people.
Dismissing some of his Aurors, Rufus planned to stay right here to guard the man personally, though it didn't look like Pettigrew was going anywhere. In fact, since the man had turned himself in, practically begging them for protection from not only You-Know-Who, but Bella, it was doubtful that an escape attempt was coming. He just wanted to be sure. Now he had to figure out what in Merlin's name was going on because this was insane!

Having been two of the Aurors dismissed, Tonks leaned over to Kingsley then whispered, as they made their way back to the office, “You try to get a message to Albus about this and I'll get to Arthur. If you can't manage, he can. He needs to hear this so someone can get to my cousin and let him know. With the contacts Albus has all over, he has to know a way to get the information he needs and keep an eye on the situation so he knows what's coming.”
Nodding slowly, Kingsley whispered back, “I'll see what I can do. You head to the loo and I'll let everyone know you'll join us shortly. That'll give you a good excuse to slip into Arthur's office. He might manage better than we can. This is good though!”
“It is,” Tonks grinned, hair going hot pink. “Alright, give me a few to see what I can do.” Seeing Kingsley give a bare nod, she then headed in the direction of the ladies, knowing Arthur's office was right along the way.

Not sure what to make of what he was seeing and being more than slightly creeped out by it, Sirius glanced at the wide-eyed Harry, eyebrows up. Shaking his head, he leaned over and asked, eyes locked on the actually slightly smiling, peaceful looking Snape, “What the bloody hell is this? I mean, we haven't seen him drink any kind of booze. All he's doing is sitting there and eating every sugary snack we have in the house. This—I have no clue what this is.” About an hour after Snape came back from the Alley Sirius and Harry had come inside for lunch and found the man seated in the kitchen like this. In fact, Sirius was damned sure he hadn't budged an inch. All he seemed to want to do was eat.
Eyes locked on Snape, shivering at the smile there, watching him consume another Chocolate Frog, Harry muttered, “I actually think I know. Remember that burning rope smell we picked up on when we came in?” Seeing Sirius nod, he said, “I've smelled it before at the Dursleys, from Dudley's room.”
“What is it?” Sirius asked, eyes still locked on the man. He had no clue at this point, so he was going to see what Harry had to say on the matter.
“It sure as heck seems as though Snape's been smoking pot,” Harry sighed, mind trying to wrap around that concept.
“Smoking—pot?” Sirius asked, entirely confused. How in the bloody hell did one smoke a pot and if you managed to do so, how did it put you in this kind of state?
Having forgotten that some Muggle terms didn't translate well to the Wizarding World, Harry explained, “Marijuana. It's a drug you smoke. A plant. It can have this kind of effect. It produces a calm feeling and gives you a serious case of the munchies.”
Knowing what marijuana was from Potions class, Sirius looked at his godson, eyebrows still up. “Are you sure about that? And how do you know?”
Snickering, Harry nodded, “I'm sure. The burning rope smell is pretty telling. Muggles used to use it to make rope years ago, actually. Like I said, Dudley and his friends smoked it. Why do you think he's so big? As much as he smoked and had the munchies from it, he ended up huge. Plus, we had to learn about the 'evil effects' of it in school.” Gesturing to Snape, though making sure the man couldn't see, something Harry doubted that he would notice anyway, he said, “That's a common side effect. It makes you feel real good and you don't get a hangover or whatever like you do from drinking.”
Shoulders starting to shake at the thought of Snape smoking a drug, Sirius grinned as his eyes stayed on the man. Quietly, he asked, “How dangerous is this drug?”
“It depends on who you talk to as to what they say on that,” Harry told him honestly. “It might affect us differently than it does Muggles, like with some other things. Not sure there.”
Grinning bigger, Sirius snickered, “Snape is stoned.”
“Yeah, out of his gourd,” Harry added, grinning himself. “This is one for the books, isn't it?”
“It is!” Sirius said, snickering harder, shoulders shaking. “I have to admit that his liver is probably thanking him for giving it a break!”
“Oh yeah,” Harry snorted, grin growing.
Hearing voices around him, though adoring his 'calm' state, Severus tried to focus. That wasn't as easy as it sounded, actually, but he was trying. Shaking his head slightly, he picked up his very sugary tea and sipped it then looked across the table. Black and Potter were there. That would explain the voices. Not understanding the looks on the their faces, he decided he really didn't care where in the hell they came from. That was something he would worry about later, if at all. Glancing around, he asked, trying to keep his voice steady, “Do we have something sweet to drink, besides butterbeer?”
Trying not to laugh, Sirius managed to get out, though his voice was uneven, “No. That's it for the sweet drinks. Why? What do you want?”
“Mountain Dew,” Severus said after thinking it over. Brow furrowed slightly, he added, “And I'm craving a Big Mac and chips. Maybe I should take a half an hour to go see if I can get some.”
Looking at Harry, who was grinning, Sirius leaned over and asked, “Any of that make sense to you?”
“Oh yeah,” Harry nodded, grinning bigger. “It's pot he was smoking.” Quickly, he explained to his godfather what Snape mentioned. Hearing Sirius chuckle, Harry shook his head. “I think it's a really bad idea for him to go out like this. Not only is he apt to get lost, he might do something to get noticed by the Muggle authorities. Then he's going to end up arrested for smoking the stuff. Not sure if it's illegal in our world, but it is in the Muggle one.”
“We don't need that,” Sirius snorted, grinning. “We'd have a helluva time explaining what is going on if he got in trouble.” Clearing his throat, trying not to laugh, Sirius told Snape, “That might not be a good idea, Snape. The elves may be able to manage to get their hands on the drink as there are a couple of our stores that sell Muggle food, but the other they can't. How about this—see if the elves can get the drink and, since it's lunch time, we just order out. Tell them what you want and they'll go get it.”
Thinking that over, something that wasn't as easy as it usually was, Severus gave a slow nod. “I think, perhaps, I can deal with that. Summon an elf and I'll give them an order.”
“We'll do that,” Sirius nodded. “Let's get Lucius and Draco in here to see what they want.” Calling an elf, he sent them off for the two, eyes still locked on Snape, trying not to laugh. Oh bloody hell, this was hilarious!

Wandering around the bottom floor of the house, Lucius scratched his head. He was trying to find Severus. From what he knew, after lunch, the man had vanished into one of the rooms down here for some reason. He had gotten a message from the Dark Lord that he wanted to pass on to Severus before he sat Black and Potter down to explain it. The issue was he couldn't find the man! That was—odd, of course.
Standing in the main area they used to congregate in, Lucius had his hands on his hips, looking around. He really wasn't sure where to look next. Severus—well, he was acting odd and lunch with him had been decidedly strange. Not only was the man really out of it and even smiling, he had eaten enough for ten people! First, his lunch was huge. He had plowed through that quickly. Then he began to grab random items off other people's plates and ate that. Whatever was left over, he consumed as well. Black and Potter seemed to know what was going on from the looks passed between them, not to mention the suppressed laughter, but he was lost and hadn't had time to consult them over what this might be.
Huffing, he looked around then his brow furrowed at the smell he was picking up. Nose wrinkling, he thought it smelled like burning rope. Deciding to investigate, he followed it then opened the door where it seemed to come from, one of the smallish sitting rooms at the very back of the house. Eyes wide at seeing Severus there, smoking some kind of cigarette, of the home rolled variety, he then shook his head. “There you are! I've been looking all over for you!”
Inhaling deeply on a joint the size of a huge cigar, Severus held it in as long as he could before exhaling. Smiling and feeling completely relaxed, he asked, “What do you want, Lucius? And this is a ferret-free zone. I will not have my peace disturbed by them.”
“I ensured that Gred and Forge are in their cages,” Lucius told him with a firm nod as he took a seat across from the man. Smoothing down his robes, he said, “I have a message from the Dark Lord to pass along.”
“It can wait,” Severus sighed, leaning back. “Give me a couple of hours so I'll be in shape to remember it.” This was good, just what he needed. Not only was he plenty relaxed, he doubted anything would bother him.
Eyebrows shooting into his hairline, Lucius looked at the man, stunned. “It's from the Dark Lord, Severus,” he said again, hoping to emphasize it was really important. “It concerns Wormtail. There's going to be fallout from this.”
“It can wait,” Severus said after taking another drag. Holding out the joint to Lucius, he asked, “Do you want some?” Though his vow before going to get the stuff was that he wouldn't share, in the amiable mood brought on by the drug, he was willing to. Besides, it might aid in insanity reduction if Lucius was calmer.
Taking the cigarette, wrinkling his nose at the smell of it, Lucius looked at it then asked, “Is it harmful?”
“If it was, I wouldn't be smoking it,” Snape told him, unable to put the normal sneer in his voice. “You'll like it. It makes you feel far better than booze.”
Looking at the thing, Lucius asked what he needed to do, willing to try if Severus said it was fine. After all, the man knew about such things. Taking a deep drag after Severus explained what to do, Lucius coughed heavily then shook his head, not sure about this. Quickly, he took another drag then felt the effects as he passed it back to Severus. Smiling, he leaned back as a smooth mellowness seemed to swirl around him. “I can see the merits in this,” he conceded in an uneven voice.
“Indeed,” Severus told him, taking a drag himself before passing it back. This was good. Life was now good. Though he didn't like parts of it, he could deal with it. Looking at Lucius, though slightly bleary-eyed, he asked, “What was this about the Dark Lord?”
“It can wait,” Lucius told him, taking another drag. It could. After all, it didn't seem as pressing as it was before.

“They're sure it's him and that he's talking?” Sirius asked, glancing at Arthur who was seated by the very tired looking Remus across the table from him and Harry. The man had come over to tell them, at Albus' insistence, that Wormtail was in the hands of the DMLE.
“It's him and he's giving up what you need, Sirius,” Arthur assured him with a firm nod. “Tonks came and told me herself. She and Kingsley saw him and heard what he said.” Glancing around, he added, “They're getting some kind of Mind Healer to see him as there seems to be some problems, but he admitted to being the one that betrayed James and Lily.”
Eyes wide, wondering what prompted the traitor to turn himself in, Sirius decided he wasn't too worried about that. As long as the rat was in the right hands, he was good with it! “Any idea how long we have before I'm cleared? Or don't you know?”
“Tonks said that they are already talking about clearing you. She or Kingsley will pass along what they know when they can. Obviously, there's a lot going on with that end.” Arthur told him, looking between everyone. “This is good though, Sirius. Albus said to make sure you stay in the house and don't go anywhere until we know what's going on for sure. He's seeing what he can find out from some of his contacts as we speak. Just let him do what he is. Moody is going to see what he can find as well. He might manage better than Albus. This is good, though! What we need.”
“It is,” Sirius grinned, nodding. “I'll make sure I stay inside and just wait. Let us know what's going on as soon as you can.”
“I will,” Arthur said, standing. “I have to get back to work, but Albus wanted you to know.” Nodding to everyone, he left.
Grinning bigger, Sirius looked at the smiling Remus and said, “Not sure what's going on yet, but this is great!”
“It is,” Remus told him with a grin. Though worn out from the full moon, he had come down to get something to eat just in time to see Arthur come in. What he heard made it well worth not going back up and heeding the siren song of sleep. “Now we just have to wait. Maybe Lucius or Severus has more information on what's going on.”
“Oh, I somehow doubt Snape does,” Sirius snickered, shoulders shaking as he remembered the shape the man was in after lunch. “We'll ask Lucius though. He might have gotten something or has a way to contact that end. We'll see.” He was about to press on when the door opened. Eyes wide, he watched as the stoned Snape staggered in. That he and Harry expected as the smell of burning rope was strong in the house. However, Lucius was right behind him, not in any better shape.
Lowering his head as the two took a seat and started summoning food, Sirius' shoulders were shaking. “Oh, bloody hell! This is right hilarious! First Snape, now Lucius? This is a fucking riot!”
Though grinning, Harry's eyes began to widen as he remembered some of the anti-drug talks in school and what he had to look up for essays. Shaking his head as he looked at Lucius when the man glanced at him, their eyes then locked. Shivering, Harry shook his head as Lucius' eyes began to crawl down his body. Shite, no! That effect did not need to happen! Without a word, he vanished out the door so quickly he was like a blur, fully planning to hide in his and Sirius' room with Kreacher all but attached to him. Just—NO! He knew he should warn his godfather and would when he got to safety.
Watching Harry move faster than he had ever seen him go, Sirius' eyes widened. Glancing at the equally stunned Remus, he didn't know what to make of that. At least until Lucius looked at him. The hungry, sexual sheen in his eyes was enough for Sirius to get why Harry had vanished. Oh, hell no! This was not happening! Eyes narrowing at the great pervert, he leveled his wand at him and hissed, “Don't even think about it, Malfoy! If you thought blue hair was bad, what else I can do will be even worse!”
Plastering what he hoped was a pleasant smile on his face, Lucius said, trying to keep his voice level, “Nothing to worry about. Just enjoying the view.” Tapping his fingers on the table, he could feel his cock throbbing under his robes at the mere thought of all the deliciously evil things Black could do to him. Oh yes, this was good.
“What's going on?” Remus asked, looking at the two, not sure what to make of the state they were in, then to Sirius.
Standing, wand still leveled at Malfoy, Sirius said, “Come with me and I'll explain it. Then I think I need to glue myself to Harry.”
Nodding, Remus stood with a groan. This should be good considering what he was seeing from the two.
Glancing between the two stoned Slytherins, Sirius said, “And Wormtail is in the hands of the Ministry. Arthur just delivered that news.”
“Yes, he is,” Lucius said smiling slightly and nodding, eyes locked on the crotch of Black's robes. “I was supposed to deliver the message that the rat turned himself in. As soon as the Dark Lord hears more, he'll let us know.” Snagging a cake from the plate in front of him, Lucius devoured it then looked for another tantalizing sweet. He was starved, that's for sure. However, he kept glancing at the equally delicious looking Black, who was edging towards the door. That—well, he would take that any day over the sweets on the table.

Making damned sure their door was warded heavily and the one connecting to Lucius' was as well, Sirius finally slumped. Looking at the wide-eyed Harry, who was sitting on the bed, he asked, “Tell me that drug doesn't increase the sex drive or something like that.” He was sure it did, what with the looks Lucius was giving him before they left, but he hoped it wasn't that drug.
“It can,” Harry said, looking between Sirius and the stunned Remus. They had both just filled Remus in on what was going on, so he knew. “Mostly, you see what you have with Snape, but the other can happen.”
“Shite!” Sirius moaned, scrubbing a hand through his hair then smoothing down his goatee. “We do not need the great pervert getting help from the drug and making this worse!”
Not sure what to say, Remus just looked between the two and shook his head. “I don't know what to say, Sirius. I'm not in any shape to do what I have been doing to hold off Lucius. And Severus—that's obvious there. How long does the drug last, do you know?”
“It just depends on where you get it and the quality,” Harry sighed, shaking his head.
“Alright, the plan for tonight is this; we're hiding in here until it wears off. I don't give a shite what happens to the house. And Kreacher is staying with us. Yeah, this is like an emergency situation. Anything that boosts Malfoy's sex drive is dangerous and we need to take precautions,” Sirius said firmly.
“I almost feel sorry for Snape,” Harry chuckled, grinning just a bit. “If he's staying down there with the great pervert, he's in trouble.”
“That he is,” Sirius grinned as he took a seat on the bed. “We should be fine in here. All it means is we have to stay on our toes.”
Smiling just a little, Remus said, “I'm going back to bed. If you need help, send an elf for me. I think that you can handle yourself and protect Harry just fine Sirius.”
“You bet your arse I can,” Sirius grinned. “He won't know what hit him if he tries! It just means we have to stay alert is all.”
Nodding to his friend as he left, Sirius then groaned and flopped back on the bed. Looking at Harry, he said, “When Snape is with it again, we need to tell him in no uncertain terms a particular pervert isn't allowed to be his smoking buddy!”
“We do,” Harry grinned. “Or he's going to learn the hard way!”
“That might be funny and could drive the point home faster than we could,” Sirius laughed. Shaking his head, he said, “Alright, let's find something to do so we don't go barmy.” Seeing Harry nod, he sat up and began to name off several things that could keep them occupied as they had a long night ahead of them.

A.N.- Yes, folks, the last chunk can be a side effect of smoking pot :D When looking it up to make sure it was right, I saw that and, well, you know—I couldn't resist!
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"Why Me?"