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Lost and Damned	By : danniperson Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Snape Views: 24159 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, the characters or the world or anything, and I make absolutely no profit from this.

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Lost and Damned

It Only Breaks into Pieces and Pieces

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Severus Snape was fuming. He could not remember the last time he had been so furious! He wasn�t sure why he was so angry�Even in this heated state of rage, he couldn�t allow himself to admit the truth. His black eyes were narrowed down at Potter as he sat up on the floor, shooting him just as nasty a look as Severus was giving him.
Ever since Severus had told Potter to move on and go out with people his own age, things had been tense between them. Severus kept lessons as professional as possible. He found it hard to maintain a perfectly controlled attitude, however. Since he couldn�t very well act on particular feelings about the boy and was going out of his way to ignore and deny said thoughts and feelings, he was pushing himself in the opposite direction. He was getting frustrated with the boy over the smallest of things. They argued a good deal and grudgingly sat down to enjoy a civil conversation now and then for appearances for the Dark Lord. Everything was strained, though, and while Severus disliked it, he knew it needed to be done.
He had seen a memory of Potter asking Cho Chang to Hogsmeade Valentine�s Day weekend and had kept back any irritation he felt over the matter. Now, though�Now he had just suffered through seeing the memory yet again, only now with the addition of that skank throwing herself all over him and then�and then making out with Draco later that day! He even caught glimpses of that kiss Cho Chang had given him before Christmas holidays several times. Then all those memories of Potter and Granger making out earlier this year�Every memory Severus had seen from Potter flew through his mind, making him all the more irritated. He shouldn�t be this upset, he knew�But he might have sensed a bit of jealousy within himself and considering how prone to explosion he had been for the past few weeks�
�Do you think, Potter, that showing me all of your latest indiscretions is going to change anything?� Severus sneered.
�For the millionth time, Snape, I am not showing you these things on purpose! You�re the one digging through my head, remember?� Potter spat.
�Watch your tone!�
�I�ll watch my tone when you stop being such a prick.�
�Twenty points from Gryffindor.�
�Surprise, surprise.�
�When will you ever stop being such an arrogant, foolish, temperamental boy?�
�Whenever you stop being a rude, greasy�erm�evil! Git!�
�Another twenty points, I think, Mr. Potter?�
�You think? You need to be more sure about it than that, Professor.�
�You have become far too comfortable around here, Potter. Do you really think you�re so special, to get away with talking to a professor in such a manner? What would all of your eager fans think?�
�This isn�t about me being �special�, you prick! This is about me standing up for myself against a prat who thinks he has the right to treat everyone like dirt to make himself feel better!�
�This isn�t treating someone like dirt, Potter, this is pulling you down from that pedestal you�ve grown so accustomed to and giving you a dose of what the real world is like for real people.�
�Bullshit! You know I am not some�some Gilderoy Lockhart wanna-be! Things have been shittier than every for me all year because of what they�ve been saying about me�But it has never been easy and I have never enjoyed it and I have never let it go to my head and you know that! Maybe we don�t know each other completely, but you know me well enough to know that and I know you well enough to know that you know that!�
�Don�t assume you know what I know, Potter.�
�What is your problem anyway? Huh? Because you�ve been right awful for the longest time now and I don�t get it! We were getting along so well for a while there, but you had to go fuck it up and I don�t get why!�
�Do you want to know why, Potter?� Severus demanded. �Because that is my job. Because the headmaster and the Dark Lord both wanted me to get close to you. The headmaster believes it would do us some good to get along, which only goes to show what ridiculously romantic notions you silly Gryffindors hold! It was nothing more than me following orders, Potter! Whatever possessed you to believe that I would ever actually get along with an insolent brat such as yourself?�
�If you were just following orders, how come you�re not following them anymore?� Potter snapped back.
�Because you are an impossible whelp who refuses to make my job simple!�
�You want to know what I think?�
�The fact that you can think at all is very remarkable to me.�
�I think you�re scared.�
Scared? Severus glowered dangerously at the boy, just daring him to say the wrong thing. �Excuse me?�
�You. Are. Scared. You�re scared of getting close to anyone! More importantly, I think you�re scared because you feel a bit more for me than you should. I saw your little dream, professor, don�t forget that! And don�t try to make any excuses for it, because they�re pathetic! Every time you see my memories about you, you get mad! And now that you�ve seen me making out with different people, you�re mad! I think�I think you�re jealous!�
�Jealous?� Severus commanded, his heart racing in panic. He wasn�t jealous, he told himself. He couldn�t be.
�I don�t know why�I really don�t even know what to think about you right now�But whatever you feel for me is more than you�re letting on. You�re scared of it and you�re jealous and�and it�s stupid! Just get over it�get over yourself and stop punishing me!�
�I am not jealous, Potter�I know it�s probably your deepest desire to have me want you the way you so clearly want me, but I do not. You are a boy,� Severus snarled.
Harry�s face was determined, though Severus noted the flash of uncertainty in his bright green eyes. �Yeah, I�m a �boy�,� Potter said bitterly. �And you�re a grown man. It�s �disgusting� and �wrong�, right?� he asked. �Well, that�s just too fucking bad. There�s something here�It�s the only thing that makes sense!�
�No, Potter�The only thing that makes sense is that you annoy me,� Severus said coldly.
That uncertainty was back�and there was hurt. But there was still a strong determination deep within those emerald orbs, unwilling to let this go. He noticed the way the boy stood taller, how confident he was making himself be, only that look deep in his eyes betraying him. He was strong. Despite what must be logical thinking entering his mind, he wasn�t willing to give up his ideas and part of Severus remained impressed, though he mostly felt frustration that the boy couldn�t just leave it alone. Severus wasn�t sure what the boy was going to do, half expecting him to pull out his wand or start yelling again.
Instead, the boy moved forward so quickly, Severus hardly had time to register what was happening. Potter�s arms were around him, holding him close with a strength Severus was surprised by. The boy�s lips were pressed against his, bruising roughness as he used as much force as possible, possibly only to keep Severus from moving away the best he could. Severus froze in the boy�s grasp, his body stiff as the boy�s lips moved against his, softening up a bit. His grip never loosened, almost as if he were afraid to let go. Severus just stood there, allowing him to do it. He was so angry he would probably kill the boy by shoving him away, Severus thought to himself. Part of him, though he would never admit it, was enjoying the feel of the boy against him, loving the feel of his lips against his own. For a few moments, Severus didn�t think of anything, only reacting instinctively. The moment it even occurred to him, however, Severus pulled back the best he could and Potter reluctantly broke the kiss, green eyes glancing up at him, searching for something.
Severus glowered dangerously, using all of his energy to appear as furious as possible. �One hundred points from Gryffindor,� Severus growled and yanked himself out of Potter�s grasp before sweeping out of the room.

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�Oh, good evening, Severus,� Albus greeted as Severus barged into his office. He smiled, though his blue eyes looked wary. �How are Harry�s lessons going?�
�He. Kissed. Me.�
Albus raised his eyebrows. �He did what?�
�Don�t play deaf! He kissed me!�
�Harry�kissed you?� Albus asked, seeming completely taken aback. The man seemed to know everything all of the time, so the fact that he found this hard to digest was almost laughable.
�Yes, he did!� Severus said, pacing in front of Albus�s desk. �I can�t teach him anymore, Albus. I can�t,� Severus said, his voice half pleading with the man to agree with him and to understand. Potter had gone too far tonight and it scared Severus. It scared Severus how much he wanted the boy. He was scared of how more confident of his feelings Potter was and how forward he was being. If Potter kept pushing�Severus was proud of his self control, but he couldn�t risk losing it if Potter continued this. Potter was his student and Severus was not going to allow himself to become some pedophile. He was better than that. Potter was just a boy�He didn�t know what love was�He probably barely knew what sex was. Potter didn�t know what he wanted and Severus could not take advantage of that. He shouldn�t even find a mere child so attractive. It was wrong. It was so very, horribly wrong.
�I�Of course, Severus,� Albus said after a moment and Severus found he was surprised by the man�s agreement. �I will arrange to find others to come in and help Harry with Defense and I�ll try to get someone else in to help him with Occlumency�If it comes down to it, I might just do it myself.�
�Th�Thank you, Albus,� Severus said, clearing his throat and stopping, watching the old man rub his temples.
�If you feel comfortable enough, I do not object to him continuing your class or serving detention with you�I trust you, Severus. But if you would prefer, we can always arrange something else�Perhaps a Potions tutor or something? I am sure Miss Hermione Granger would be able to help--�
�I am perfectly capable of dealing with Potter in a crowded room, Albus,� Severus assured the man. He wasn�t necessarily happy about having Potter in his class, but he wasn�t going to make things any harder on Albus�Besides, Potter needed to learn. Severus cared about the boy�s education and he doubted anyone else would be so hard a teacher. They would all coddle him, just like everyone else did. He did poorly in Severus�s class, but maybe the new turn of events would encourage him to do better? In the past few weeks, Severus had already noticed some improvement. He even started making passing grades. He was just barely scarping As, but it was better than Ps and the usual Ds and Ts. Severus secretly hoped he could get the boy up to Es and Os by the time OWLs rolled around. Potter needed all of the training he could get�Even if Severus could no longer help him in certain aspects of his learning.
�Very well,� Albus said with a nod. �Perhaps I should have a talk with the boy?�
�Perhaps. No need to give him the impression he can go around snogging the next professor he decides to fancy,� Severus said stiffly, hating that small wave of frustration and envy at the idea of Potter turning his attentions onto someone else. As inappropriate as the whole thing was, Severus would be lying if he said he wasn�t somewhat flattered by Potter�s attention. Even if it was mostly annoying.
Albus smiled sadly. �Very well. I will speak with him and inform him of the changes being made to his education.�
�Thank you, Albus,� Severus said, going on to decline offers of candy, cookies, and teas before leaving the office.

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Harry paced the floor of Snape�s office anxiously. Since the man left, it was all Harry could do. He had made to follow him at first, but barely got halfway down the corridor before turning and coming back here. He had lost Snape and for some reason couldn�t bring himself to return to Gryffindor Tower. Instead he was determined to wait here for the man to return. He tried getting into the man�s rooms, but the password had been changed, so he settled for pacing all through the office that was beginning to feel smaller and smaller by the moment.
What had he been thinking? It was the same thoughts and the same feels he had been tormented by after kissing Snape Christmas night. Maybe Snape was right, about how foolish he was and about the romantic notions Gryffindors held. He knew deep down that nothing could happen between himself and Snape. Everything about the situation was wrong. Just because Harry had feelings for the man, did not mean they were reciprocated, even if Snape was acting strangely. In fact, the thought of Snape actually desiring him, actually feeling jealous of him kissing other people, was laughable. The man was twenty years his senior, his teacher, a spy in this war, enemy of his father, and he probably didn�t even like men. Was he just taking everything Snape did and putting meaning behind it because it would make him feel better? Because he did hope that that was what the situation was? That had to be it. He was fifteen years old�Boy was he stupid.
He was blushing furiously, finally convincing himself he needed to leave, when the door opened and Snape walked in. The man paused in the doorway, looking mildly surprised to see him there. �I suppose I shouldn�t be too shocked, should I?� he asked dully, walking smoothly past Harry and sitting behind his desk.
�No, you shouldn�t,� Harry replied quietly, unable to quite look at the man�s face. �Something about Gryffindor bravery.�
�Gryffindor idiocy, is more like it.�
Harry laughed quietly. He knew he should say something, but what? Apologize? Carry on like nothing ever happened? Resume their earlier fight? He considered the latter with a smirk.
�Potter�The headmaster has agreed that it is no longer wise for me to teach you,� Snape said after a moment. �You still stay in my Potions class, but he will attempt to locate new teachers to help you with your Defense and Occlumency.�
�What?!� Harry demanded. �But�He wanted you to teach me for a reason!�
�That reason no longer matters,� Snape said coolly.
�But--�
�No buts, Potter!� Snape snapped. �You went too far! It is not�I do not wish to continue teaching you when all you�re going to do is throw yourself at me! You are making no progress in Occlumency whatsoever. There is no point to it, Potter, and I will not subject myself to your little schoolboy crush because it is what you desire!�
�Please�sir�� Harry began desperately. He did not want to stop his lessons with Snape. He needed them, didn�t he? The thought of not seeing the man every night made his stomach drop and there was a strangely sad and empty feeling in his heart. �I�m sorry�I�I shouldn�t have kissed you�I�m sorry! Don�t--�
�It�s too late!� Snape snarled. �Get out, Potter!�
�But--�
�I said get out, Potter! Do not make me ask you again!�
Harry stood there for a moment, staring at the Potions master who glowered dangerously at him. He wanted to say more, to fight and beg to stay. He had nothing, though, and reluctantly he closed his mouth and turned, stumbling out of the room with his heart in his throat. He felt like he might be sick and he cringed as the door slammed shut loudly behind him without his doing.
�You kissed him?�
Harry looked up, unsurprised to see Malfoy leaning back against the wall in front of Snape�s office. Harry felt his face flame up again in embarrassment. �Yeah�I did,� he sighed, feeling more stupid than he ever had.
Malfoy tsked and shook his head. �He was right. You do need to find someone else to focus on.�
�Guess so,� Harry muttered, not wanting to bring up that he didn�t want anyone else and he didn�t want to want anyone else. How had he become so entangled in this man? �Doesn�t want me taking lessons from him anymore. Dumbledore agreed.�
�Well, that makes sense,� Malfoy snorted.
�Yeah,� Harry said, swallowing hard. It made perfect sense. What didn�t make perfect sense was what Harry had done�He had bloody well fucked it all up, hadn�t he? �Night, Malfoy.�
�Wait,� Malfoy said as Harry turned to leave. �You look like you could use a drink.�
Harry�s laugh was dull and empty. �Probably.�
�C�mon, then. I smuggled a few things in when I came back from holiday,� Malfoy said, jerking his head in the direction of the staircase Harry had been headed towards anyway. Harry was tired and felt that maybe going to bed would have been a better idea, but Malfoy had brought up drinking and in Harry�s current state, it didn�t seem like the worst idea in the world to feel a bit better. They climbed up to the fifth floor and Malfoy headed to the door that Harry knew to be the prefect�s bathroom. �Cool breeze,� Malfoy said, giving the password loudly enough for Harry to hear it. Harry knew he must have done so on purpose when he turned to offer Harry a smirk and a wink before disappearing into the bathroom. Harry slowly followed, taking his time to look around the place. He remembered being in here last year�Cedric had given him the password and everything to help him figure out a clue for the TriWizard Tournament. He could almost hear the loud wailing from the egg echoing off of the walls as it had that night he had sneaked in here.
�I figured this was a safe place to hide it,� Malfoy explained, walking up to Harry carrying a few different bottles. �S�not like the Heads of House are always checking our things for alcohol, but it never hurt to keep it safe. Doubt they�d suspect their dear, �responsible� prefects to be hanging around here drinking,� Malfoy explained. He uncapped one of the bottles and dropped the lid to the floor, shifting the bottles under one arm while he waved his wand and transfigured the cap into a small, green and silver couch. Malfoy sat down gracefully on one end and patted the seat beside him. Harry shuffled over and took his seat. It wasn�t all that comfortable, but Harry didn�t care much�It was more impressive than he could have done with a bottle cap.
�Prefects get drunk a lot in here?� Harry asked curiously. He had never heard Ron or Hermione mentioning anything about secret prefect parties or anything of that nature.
Malfoy shrugged. �It�s not exactly a daily thing, but it�s been known to happen,� he explained. �Pansy and I have a few times�Walked in on a few Ravenclaw prefects having a small party in here a few weeks back. Ooh the things I�ve walked in on�The secret lives of the Hogwarts prefects,� Malfoy sniggered.
�I�m guessing Ron and Hermione don�t know about this,� Harry said with a grin. He could only imagine the reactions of his best friends. Ron would be upset over not knowing this �special privilege� of being a prefect and be excited to try to get in on the action. Hermione, meanwhile, would be horrified and would probably try to put an end to all the good fun.
�Let�s hope Granger never finds out about this,� Malfoy said, giving Harry a hard look. Harry just laughed.
�I won�t say anything, I promise,� he said, taking a large bottle that Malfoy handed him.
Malfoy nodded. �Firewhiskey,� he explained.
Harry nodded and took the bottle, bringing it to his lips and taking his first drink. It burned the moment it hit his tongue and he quickly swallowed it. A hot sensation trailed down his throat and into his stomach and he coughed a moment, to Malfoy�s amusement. The other boy slapped him on the back a few times before he felt better, though his throat felt scratchy and uncomfortable.
�You�ll get used to it,� Malfoy assured him, taking a drink from his own bottle.
The two drank in silence for several long moments, each lost in their own thoughts. Harry found himself plagued by that heavy disappointment that came along with resigning himself to accepting certain truths he didn�t want to face. Nothing would ever happen with Snape�He had always known in logically, but apparently some other part of him hadn�t fully accepted it. It was just a crush, he reminded himself, and he would get over it eventually. Somehow, though, this felt strong�This hurt. He felt as though something very important had been ripped away from him, that despair and hopelessness almost the same feeling one got being around Dementors, though perhaps not nearly so intense and soul-sucking.
Maybe this was for the best, he thought gloomily. Maybe he didn�t need to jump Terry Boot, but he did need to move on and focus on someone more attainable. He kept thinking about Snape�and everything that had happened and everything he had said. Snape wasn�t quite the nasty bastard everyone thought he was�at least not strictly so. Harry had seen a different side to him, had learned more about him�But none of it mattered. Snape was right to push him away�Right to do all of this. He was trying to protect him�Spare him from any more pain that letting him carry on might have brought. He didn�t know for a fact, but it was the theory that made him feel the best about the situation.
�So. How was snogging Pansy?� Harry asked after a while.
�Hmmm?� Malfoy said, lowering his bottle. �Oh. She was pretty great, actually. She�s attractive and all�If only she didn�t get on my nerves so much.�
Harry smiled and took another drink of his firewhiskey. �Snog anyone else since then?�
�Daphne Greengrass�Not very experienced, but not bad. Less annoying than Pansy,� Malfoy chuckled. �Got to third base with Tracey Davis.�
�How was that?�
�Best Valentine�s Day of my life,� Malfoy said with a fond grin.
Harry choked on his firewhiskey. �This was all the same day?!�
�Of course it was,� Malfoy replied slyly. �It was Valentine�s Day. I had to spread the love, didn�t I?�
�Of course,� Harry chuckled in amusement, taking a more calm drink of firewhiskey.
�How was kissing my godfather?� Malfoy asked after a moment, a bare trace of uncertainty in his otherwise sly and confident tone.
�He didn�t kiss me back, but he let me for a little bit�I�ve never felt anything like it,� he muttered to himself, gulping down more alcohol eagerly.
�You really have fallen for him, haven�t you?� Malfoy asked sympathetically.
�Guess so,� Harry mumbled bitterly.
Malfoy nodded and was quiet for a moment before continuing. �No offense to my godfather, but�I have to ask�Why? He pretty much goes out of his way to make sure people hate him.�
Harry smiled sadly. �I got to see more than that. He doesn�t trust people�He�s smart. He�s smart about people and�very intelligent�Very talented with all sorts of magic. He�s powerful. He�s�brave. He�s strong�He understands�what it was like�We had similar childhoods, I guess�And he never overestimates me. He doesn�t see in me or expect from me what everyone else does. And when he lets himself�When he�s not too busy worrying about everything�I can talk to him. I enjoyed our conversations. I enjoyed being near him. I felt safe and comfortable and�calm�calm in this insanity all around me,� he muttered. The question forced Harry to recognize what it was he loved about the man and somehow it made it harder and made it hurt worse. He gulped down more firewhiskey, hoping it would wash away the pain.
�It is such a shame the first person to really see all of that had to be a fifteen year old boy,� Malfoy said teasingly after a moment. �Then again, it�s not like he trusts anyone, anyway.�
�How bad do you think the hangover will be?� Harry asked, not wanting to talk about Snape anymore. His heart was twisting and ripping open and screaming out, begging for something it could never have. It was starting to spread�An awful pain that seeped into every bit of him, as if wanting to consume him entirely.
Malfoy seemed to understand.

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Author�s Note: First off, thank you for everyone who reviewed! I love getting feedback and it�s nice to know that everyone�s enjoying the story so far!
A bit of good news! I have finished my planning for the story and I now know that this fanfic will be 95 chapters long. It covers the events of Order of the Phoenix, Half Blood Prince, and Deathly Hallows and follows some entirely while others will be changed somewhat. I am very excited for what is to come in this story and I hope all of my readers enjoy it as much as I do and stick by me to see it through!
Please review!
Chapter title lyrics from �The Deep End� by Crossfade.
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Lost and Damned