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Survivor's Guilt	By : SpeedyTomato Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Lucius Views: 34080 -:- Recommendations : 3 -:- Currently Reading : 4
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter nor do I make any money of this dark dance of Harry Potter fanfic.

Chapter List
- 21
- 22
- 23
Chapter 22

Beta'd by the amazing Tenchi. Thanks, Tenchi, you're the best!

Pacing back and forth in the small parlor that he used to meet with Dr. Netherwood, Harry sighed. Looking at the man that was sitting there calmly, watching him, he muttered, “Sorry. Just have an over abundance of energy.”
“It's nothing to worry about, Harry,” Roddy told him softly with a smile. “It's a positive sign, after all. So, tell me, are you still having problems with your temper and it cutting loose on you?”
Grinning sheepishly, Harry nodded, “Yeah. It's just a verbal thing, nothing more than that, but I'm pretty sure that I've blown up on almost everyone that's come over at this point. I think the only ones that have been immune to it are Dudley, Lucius and Draco. It's gotten better and it takes a lot more to set me off, but it's there.”
Making a note about that, the Mind Healer then asked, “Are other things coming back as well or no?”
“Actually, yeah,” Harry told him, stopping and looking in his direction. “I had a right laughing fit yesterday over something dumb. It felt good actually. And, like with the temper, it didn't seem to want to stop. That, though—it's easier to deal with.”
“It just means the positive is coming back with the negative after all this time. That's another very good sign. Anything else?”
Looking down at the floor, a sheepish expression on his face, he mumbled, “Yeah, there is.”
“There is nothing you're going to say that I'm going to be shocked by, Harry,” Roddy assured him gently. “It comes with the territory here. Just tell me.”
Flushing slightly, Harry mumbled, “For the first time in a few years I actually got an erection the other night. Just not been interested in that end of things for a long time now.” Not looking at the man, he began to pace again.
“That is very good,” Roddy told him, pleased. “The depression, as we've been able to determine, has gone on for a long time. One of the very first things that seemed to be most affected was your sex drive. If it's starting to come back, that's one of the better signs we've seen. Was it just an arousal of some kind or connected to something? Like a dream, fantasy, something like that.”
Rubbing his eyes in an embarrassed way, Harry kept on pacing them mumbled, “Yeah, it was. Kind of one of those, you know, daydream type things. It started out as one thing and just kind of evolved into that.”
“It wasn't something that disturbed you, was it?” Roddy asked. “Like an odd act that you wouldn't ponder or something?”
“No, nothing like that.” Stopping, he gave an amused snort then added, “The person it was about might be disturbed, but I wasn't.”
“Who was it about?” Roddy asked as gently as he could.
Thinking that over, remembering that these sessions were private and Dr. Netherwood wouldn't say anything, Harry finally mumbled, “Lucius.” Stopping there, he didn't say anymore, looking away.
Taking some short notes, the doctor, nodded. “You two are still sleeping together, aren't you?” He knew, as Harry told him, that Lucius had slept with him every night since that first time Harry had asked the man to join him a couple weeks ago.
“Yeah, I feel better with him there and don't seem to get the nightmares I was.” Quietly, he added, “Lucius said he does as well.”
“I imagine it's a comfort for both of you so you don't feel alone.” Shifting around, looking at his notes, Roddy asked, “Let me inquire about this; do you think the sexual daydream was about something like being grateful for Lucius' help with this or was it something else.”
Flopping down on the settee, Harry looked at the floor, brow furrowed. After a couple minutes of silence, he shook his head and said, “No, I don't think so. I'm grateful for all he's done so far and have told him that, but I don't think this is part of it.”
“Sometimes sexual feelings can get mixed up with other kinds. That's easily done, you know that. Like people who equate sex with love. What makes you think that it isn't?”
“It's—more than that. If that makes sense,” Harry said, looking at the man.
“Explain that, please,” Roddy said, looking at him.
Sighing, Harry rubbed his eyes. “I don't know how to, honestly. Yeah, I like having him here. I've told him that. He says he likes being here, too. It's the same reason for both of us I think; we don't feel lonely all the time. It's not that, though. Lucius—well, honestly, he wouldn't have been my type. I've told you I don't care which sex it is.” Seeing the man nod at that, Harry pressed on, “He's not the type that I normally go for. Mostly, that's someone around my age and more athletic. Lucius isn't that way. There is something there, though, something I can't exactly explain that I find attractive. His manner, though in the past annoyed the shite out of me, is soothing. I like just talking to him because he knows so much about all kinds of things. He, as I'm sure you know, has a really dry sense of humor that I find I appreciate more than I would have when I was younger. Things like that. There are also some other odd things. Like the way he smells. I don't mean his cologne or aftershave, I mean him, like when he wakes up in the morning. It's something I like. When he touches me, it sets off a riot of sensations of all kinds, in a good way. Things like that, if it makes sense to you.”
“It does, actually,” Roddy nodded. “Have you told him about this?”
“Hell no,” Harry said with a little grin, shaking his head. “I don't want to send him running off by thinking I'm being stupid or something.”
Looking down at his notes, Roddy didn't know what to say for once. As Lucius was his client as well, he was privy to things on his end as well when it came to Harry. This was one of those topics. Thinking it over, he said, “Harry, I don't think much will scare Lucius away. Maybe you can put out a feeler to see where his leaning is on the topic and go from there. He's not going to walk off in a huff if you do. You may not get what you want out of it, but the worst he can say is no. Perhaps that's something you should think about doing. Rejection, though hard to take, isn't the end of the world. It's far better than what you've dealt with in the past. I don't think, even if Lucius isn't interested in that end of the things, that he's going to back away from you. You two are close friends by now. He's also old enough and wise enough to not let such a thing affect him.”
Running his fingers through his hair, Harry looked down at the floor. Honestly, his first instinct was to ask the man if he knew where Lucius might be leaning on that topic. After all, he was Lucius' therapist, too. He wouldn't though as he knew he wouldn't get an answer to that anymore than Lucius would about him. “I don't know,” he finally said softly. “I don't want to make things more complicated between the two of us than they are already. I mean, I value him as a friend more than I would anything else.”
“How about this; just wait and see where it goes. If the opportunity comes up, take it. If not or you're not comfortable, don't.” Roddy suggested.
“That might be the way to go,” Harry said with a firm nod. “Let me see what happens here.”
“It will give you time to sort through what you are feeling on it as well. With all you're dealing with, this is something you don't want to jump into,” Roddy schooled softly.
“True, that,” Harry agreed, looking at the man. Shrugging, he said, “I like the way it feels though. I don't think I can remember something feeling this good. Even with Ginny, it wasn't like this.”
“She was really your only long-term relationship, wasn't she? The only one that you thought was leading to something serious?” Roddy inquired, shifting around in his chair and looking at his client.
“She was,” Harry confirmed with a firm nod. Sighing, he looked down at the floor then shook his head, “I've not wanted one since, really. I liked not being attached for many reasons. And—well, being honest here, I think the only reason I was with her, at least deep down, despite what I might have thought at the time, was that I wanted to be a part of the Weasley family. They were really the only real family I ever knew. If I married her, I would have been. Somewhere, I think, that's what destroyed the relationship more than anything else. Even if we had finally married, I don't think it would have lasted. Since then, honestly? I was happy not being attached for a lot of reasons. I liked just dating or doing whatever without the whole commitment thing.”
Taking some short notes on that, Roddy nodded then asked, “Was there ever really anyone else you wanted to have a relationship with? Either during school or after?”
“There was Cho Chang for a while, in school. It was more of a crush thing and ended badly because of the reason she wanted to be with me,” Harry told him then went on to explain that disaster. “Since then—nothing. I just didn't want that. I was of the mindset that I had more fun being with my friends, and later Dudley, than I did the whole dating mess. I mean, not to brag here, but if I wanted sex, I could easily get that. I just wasn't interested in attachment.”
Thinking over what Harry said, Roddy asked, “Do you think, maybe, your reluctance to get involved might be due to the fact that you lost so many people close to you? So many you cared about died during that awful time. Is it possible that, somewhere, that might be the motivation for not allowing yourself to get involved?”
Harry's first instinct when he heard that was to sneer and tell the man he was wrong. He didn't though and thought it over. Quit for a couple minutes, he then said, thoughtfully, “Maybe. It might be. I don't know. I mean, everyone I was close to for a long time had a huge target painted on them and they knew it. If someone could have used them to get to me, they would have. I knew that and didn't like putting them in danger. I know the evil git is long gone, we all do, but sometimes I find myself thinking that because there are still ones out there that blame me for a lot of shite over that mess.”
“That is not something unheard of, Harry. I've seen many people who've deal with the same issue, though they've lost a lot less than you have. Protecting someone by backing away is something common as well,” Roddy explained softly. “Now, though, do you feel the need to back away from people like Dudley and Lucius to protect them?”
“No,” Harry told him firmly, shaking his head. “Dudley—he might not have magic, but he can defend himself and would get in contact with me or someone else if something was off. Lucius? I think he can rather defend himself.” Stopping, he gave an amused snort at the thought that anyone in their right mind would even try to do something stupid with Lucius. That wouldn't end well for them, that's for damned sure.
“I believe Lucius can as well,” Roddy said with a smile. Sobering up, he asked, “So, you're finally in a place where you can let yourself get close without that fear? Are you though? I know you are close to some, several actually, but are you feeling that old need to pull back when things get rough? Like with the reporters?”
Thinking that over, Harry shook his head again, “No, actually. We're just going about it a different way is all, like trying to confuse them or hide, not me backing off.”
“You are now in a place where you can see you don't have to do that then, aren’t you?”
Pondering that, Harry replied, “Yeah. And I don't want to. I like having the friends I do and don't want to lose them. I mean, I’ve lost of a lot of people and don't want to lose more to stupid shite.”
Taking that as a positive sign, Roddy then began to inquire about just how different it was now and why, liking the direction this was going.

Well after dark Harry still had more energy than he knew what to do with. Pacing in the living room as Lucius read a book, he sighed. Dudley had a date with Charlie tonight, something that made him grin and wish his cousin the best. Draco was home with Astoria so there was really nothing to do. However, he was feeling too antsy to just stay home tonight, something that hadn't happened in a very long time. He wanted to get out and do something.
After another lap around the living room, something he was damned sure was driving Lucius nuts though the man said nothing, Harry stopped and looked at his broom that was propped in the corner. A couple weeks after the whole mess, Andromeda had returned it. Quietly, she told him that she thought he should have it and his cloak back. Though he wanted to insist that he didn't and wanted Teddy to have them, he had taken them. With an idea forming about something he hadn't done in a very long time, he looked at Lucius and asked, “What do you say we go out and get some fresh air? I want to fly and not in the backyard.”
Lowering his book and looking at Harry, Lucius was pleased with that. The pacing—yeah, it was getting hard to take though he knew the reason behind it. Getting out alone was something they hadn't done. He could deal with it. Quietly, he asked, “If not the backyard, where would we go? And, as I don't have a broom, I don't see where it's something we can both do. Though I would be content to just watch.”
“You can ride with me,” Harry said with a dismissive wave. “I've taken Dudley before, so I know what I'm doing.” Giving a big grin, he said, “I know somewhere, don't worry. It'll be great as I haven't gone in a while.”
In the whole time since reconnecting with Harry in the pub, Lucius hadn't seen that grin. He liked it too! Smirking, he put his book aside then said, “I say we do it. I believe you're good enough on a broom that I won't feel panicked.”

“Brilliant!” Harry said, grinning bigger. Snagging his broom, he said, “Come on. I'll Apparate both of us there.”
“Lead on, Harry,” Lucius told him, standing and smoothing down his robes, liking this idea.

When they landed, Lucius looked around, startled. Though it was dark out, with only the light of the mostly full moon illuminating things, he knew right where they were. It was the stadium that the Quidditch World Cup had been held in so long ago. From what he knew, because of what happened and the couple of disastrous seasons that followed that, it had been abandoned by team England because it was seen as cursed. As far as he knew, no one had ever bought it either so it was still owned by the Ministry. Shaking his head, he said, “I don't think this is wise, Harry. Not only does it look dilapidated, I’m imagining that there are spells on it to detect trespassers. It wouldn't do to have a team of Aurors show up to arrest us.”
Snickering, Harry said, “It might look bad, but it's safe. And there are trespassing spells on it, but they won't bother us. I bought it several years ago. It was one of the very few indulgences I allowed myself. I didn't think I would ever use it for anything other than for me to fly in, but I wanted it so I got it. It's somewhere I used to come when I just needed to get away from shite and think. I made sure the lights work, obviously and at the least the top box is safe to sit in. The rest needs work, that's for damned sure.” Motioning Lucius to follow, Harry slung his broom over his shoulder and walked in, the lights activating as he stepped through the entrance.
Following the path to the field, he looked around, grinning a little. Shrugging, he explained, “The backyard is alright for a little flying, but not enough sometimes. This is far better. What do you say we have some fun and see what we can do? I don't have the latest model of broom anymore, as I really don't need it for anything, but it'll get a good speed so we can have some fun. If you want, we can swat some balls at the goals.”
Looking around, Lucius nodded slowly. This was odd, but it worked. And, with what he knew of Harry, he understood. Besides, he doubted the young man had paid much of anything for it as the Ministry didn't want the thing and it was more of a liability that lost them money than anything else. Smirking slightly, he said, “Let's just fly a little. Then we'll go from there. Just remember, I've not been on a broom in a dragon's age, so warn me before a stunt I won't be prepared for. I don't feel like losing my seat and tumbling to my death.”
Laughing, mounting the broom and motioning for Lucius to get on behind him, Harry told the man, “Don't worry, my days of dangerous stunts are long over. I just like to fly now. It might be fast, but I'm not going to do anything strange.”
Climbing on behind Harry, wrapping his arms around the younger man's waist, he held on. His heart was going faster than normal as it had been years since he had flown on a broom, but the idea was intriguing. “Just remember; no dangerous stunts. Hexes will be thrown if you try to give me a coronary, Harry!”
Laughing, kicking off the ground and soaring upwards, Harry said, “No heart attacks, I promise. Just some speed.” When he reached the height he wanted, he began to fly around at top speed, zigzagging across the field and around the posts, loving the freedom of being in the air once more with plenty of room to do what he wanted, relishing in the way the wind ruffled his hair and felt against his skin.
Holding on tightly, eyes squinted against the wind, Lucius relaxed quickly. It appeared Harry just wanted to be in the air, nothing else. This he could handle. It felt strange to do this, something he hadn't done since school as he found other modes of transportation far better and easier to use, but it wasn't unpleasant either. In fact, he could remember why so many of the younger set liked their brooms and loved being in the air with them. It was a rush you couldn't seem to get any other way.
Leaning heavily against Harry, feeling his hair being blow backwards, Lucius watched as the stadium seemed to whip by in a blur, adoring what he was feeling. This was wonderful and he thought, maybe, they should do it more often.

It was well after midnight when the two finally returned to Grimmauld Place, both grinning and feeling exhilarated. After changing into their pajamas, they were sitting on Harry's balcony sharing a cup of a special blend of tea that was supposed to help you relax before bed.
Sitting cross-legged in his chair, holding his cup, Harry looked across to the darkened park then said, softly, “That was more fun than I've had in a long time. It felt great.”
“I will concede that I had fun as well,” Lucius nodded, leaning back in his chair, relaxed. “Perhaps, on days Dudley is otherwise occupied, we can go partake again.”
“Or get him and Charlie to join us. Dudley likes to fly as does Charlie. We could grab a beaters bat and swat balls around. Or, you and Dudley could watch while Charlie and I do the flying. It could be fun. Nothing like Quidditch, of course, but fun in its own way,” Harry suggested.
“We could,” Lucius agreed, actually liking that suggestion. “Perhaps, if we find it enjoyable, Draco and Astoria could join in though I don't know how my daughter-in-law feels about being on a broom. This would be a case of what Dudley calls the more, the merrier.”

“It could,” Harry agreed, grinning. “Especially since it'd just be for fun and nothing competitive. Yeah, let's see what Dudley says there.” Looking at Lucius, Harry said, quietly, “I appreciate you staying in here with me. If you don't want to anymore, I'm good with that.”
“I don't mind in the least,” Lucius told him firmly. Lips quirking, he added, “By now, you know if I had a problem with something, I would voice it. This is something I don't.” What he didn't add was that he actually liked it and it felt good to share his bed with someone once more, even if nothing leaning towards sexual was taking place.
Liking that, Harry smiled a little. Though he didn't say it, he thought, maybe, that was a hint that Lucius might have some of the same leanings as he did on the matter. He wasn't going to push though. That—he would wait and see. Downing the last of his tea, he sighed then said, rubbing his eyes, “About bedtime I think. I don't remember staying up this late for a long time now.”
“Yes, it is rather past our bedtime, isn't it,” Lucius chuckled. Finishing his tea, he stood and stretched. “Give me a few and I'll join you.”
Watching the man head to the loo, Harry stood and stretched then went to crawl into bed. Shifting to get comfortable, he waited for Lucius to return, anticipating it more than he would ever admit.
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Survivor's Guilt