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Nova Cupiditas	By : Lomonaaeren Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Draco Views: 37321 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 1
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Chapter
Twenty-Three�Unknown Factors

�� We need to
find a way that I can permanently see the curse. Part of the problem is that it
hides itself, and that means I have to keep casting revealing charms. It
distracts me from the notes that I could be taking.�

�� Draco
nodded. The stipulation made sense to him. �I presume that this try to find it
will take place in your lab?� When Harry nodded back, he leaned nearer and gave
him a winsome smile. �Does that mean that I could get a chair in the center of
the warded circle?�

�� He startled
Harry into a laugh, at least. Ever since Harry had agreed that he would accept
Draco�s decisions, he had looked as grave as though they were once more facing
a Dark Lord. Draco wanted to shock him out of that, shake him out of it, make
him remember that the situation was less desperate this time.

�� You can
have one, if you want,� Harry said. �But I�ll have to conjure it myself, since
you won�t have your wand.�

�� Draco
paused. Harry hadn�t said anything about that
so far. �What do you mean?� he asked carefully.

�� I mean
that I intend to keep your wand until we know that either the curse can be
cured completely or we give up.� Harry�s eyes were straightforward to the point
that Draco suspected it would be foolish to argue with him. �I don�t want you
to hurt my friends, or someone else, or yourself. Your assault on Ron proves
that even halved, Nova
Cupiditas is stronger than I thought. I�ve
already flagellated myself several times over the fact that I could have
prevented the torture and murders that you did commit if I�d taken your wand
away earlier.�

�� Draco
raised his eyebrows. �And if someone comes after me that I need to defend
myself from?�

�� I�ll be
there to defend you from most threats, and Ron and Hermione won�t hurt you if I
ask them not to.� Harry sounded absolutely confident about that.

�� Draco was
not nearly so certain. He leaned back in his chair and let the silence stretch
between them.

�� Harry
raised one hand as though he was going to begin a lecture, but instead he slid
it through his fringe and sighed wearily. Draco felt his body ache from that
sigh. He would have done something to make it better if he could have, but the
only form of comfort that he had it in his power to offer wasn�t one that Harry
would accept right now. So he sat there quiet and waiting while Harry chose his
words. Draco had the feeling that he was choosing his words so as not to
offend, and Draco had to be grateful for that, at least.

�� Haven�t
you reflected more on the actions that you performed under the curse?� Harry
asked. �I know that you said that you wouldn�t let the Seekers of Justice
control you, and that you�ve made the choice to be
with me in spite of that. I�m not talking about that. I�m talking about the
curses that you cast on your father and Ron, and on the Seekers of Justice.�

�� Draco
shifted in place. In truth, he had avoided
thinking about those curses as much as possible. He knew the attitude of
his divided mind concerning them�horror and glee�and he had no wish to revisit
that.

�� I�m not
thinking here about the effects on the people cursed,� Harry went on, raising
his head and pinning Draco with a solemn stare. �They know what they are�or
did, if they�re dead now. And you could argue that the Seekers of Justice
deserved it. But the effects on you�can you be comfortable thinking of yourself
as a murderer? A torturer?�

�� For you,
yes,� Draco said. He knew that the remnants of the curse lingered in the back
of his mind, ready to enfold him if he so wanted. He sat upright uncomfortably
on his chair and watched as Harry gave him a look of profound pity.

�� Not a good beginning to the tries we have to
make.

�� Not for
me,� Harry said. �Think about the way that you�ll live the
rest of your life. I know that you can�t go back, exactly, to the man
you were, but I think you should meditate more on the effects of your actions
than on the sex that you might get to have with me.�

�� Draco
turned away and didn�t respond. He knew why Harry wanted him to think about
this. He could see that all his fragile joy in the past few days, which he had
thought stemmed from his defiance of his father, might instead come from his
need for a mask to keep himself from the horrifying
thoughts.

�� But�

�� You�ve
freed me from persecution,� he said in a low voice. �And do you suggest that I
become like you? Brooding on the wrongs of my past and wishing that I could do
something to change them, even as I realize that there�s nothing I can do, and
my hopelessness increases my guilt?�

*

�� Harry
winced. Was that what his wishing that things could be different had looked
like from the outside? He hadn�t realized.

�� Not
exactly, Draco,� he said, and then hesitated, wondering what he did mean. This was territory that he had
never explored for himself. He had always known that there was nothing he could
do to make up for his mistakes in the past, like not trusting Snape, so he had
worked through a few years of nightmares and anger and then tried not to think about
them anymore. It was the exact opposite of the course he was recommending to
Draco.

�� On the other hand, I can�t become too
distracted by my own issues, either. I have to think about what Draco needs, and if I�m a hypocrite, so be it.
Nothing like this ever happened to me in so short a span of time. I always had
more time to recover than he did before the next blow came along.

�� No,� Harry
repeated, as calmly as he could. �You might try to find the rest of the Seekers
of Justice, who I�m sure weren�t among the group who captured me, and bring
them to true justice. Not abusing them. Not torturing them. That might reassure
you that you�re not irrationally violent with a wand in your hand.�

�� I already
know that,� Draco said, with a glint in his eye that made him resemble the
Draco Harry had known in Hogwarts, who would never admit he was wrong and had
no interest in thinking over his actions.

�� You don�t know that, right now,� Harry said.
�You killed without hesitation. But I know that you never would have done that
under normal circumstances, not even if they�d taken your parents. That has to
go against the grain. That makes you into someone else, and you�ll need some
time to come to terms with it.�

�� Draco
scowled and picked at his palm. �And what do you suggest about the curses that
I cast on my father and Weasley?�

�� Apologize,�
Harry said with a slight shrug. He had to admit that he didn�t think either of
them would accept an apology, but since he didn�t know what Lucius would accept and Ron had tried to strike
back, he didn�t know that Draco�s responsibility went any further than that.
�Talk it over with them. You don�t have to be enemies forever.�

�� I am not
enemies with my father,� Draco said.

�� I don�t
think that you�re allies right now, either,� Harry said. �Or I don�t think you
will be, once he finds out about me. Will you?�

�� Draco
grunted and bowed his head. Harry waited, but he didn�t say anything aloud, so
Harry left him to think it over while he turned to his notes. There had to be some reason why the jealousy had
suddenly grown so much stronger around Ron. The revealing charm that would let
Harry see the curse permanently was a necessary first step, but that was the
dilemma Harry was more interested in finding a solution for at the moment.

�� Is the lust as strong? I�ll ask Draco.

�� He cast
another glance at Draco, who had his head in his hands by now.

�� But later.

*

�� Bloody Potter, making me think about all the
things that he believes I did wrong.

�� But Draco
had to admit that he couldn�t have evaded them forever. And at least Harry
hadn�t decided that he should go back home and face his father right now. Draco
didn�t know if he would have the strength to do that. Harry was going to allow
Draco to stay the night, to eat with him, to sleep in the same bedroom he had
had the last time he was here. He was putting
wards around his own bedroom, as he mentioned over dinner.

�� Draco
thought about telling him that he didn�t have to do that, and then the lust
seized him around the throat and made him gasp as he thought about the way that
Harry would look kneeling at his feet, mouth open for his cock.

�� What?�
Harry was standing up, staring alertly at him. He must have been watching
Draco�s face extremely closely to know when he started to feel the lust, but
that made Draco feel no better, at least at the moment. His mind was swimming,
and he reached up a hand and began to fumble blindly at the collar of his
robes. The only thing he could think about at the moment was getting them off,
and Harry had taken his wand away, so he couldn�t remove them with a simple
charm.

�� Harry will have to prepare us, too. But
Draco didn�t mind that. The mere thought of Harry waving his wand and speaking
the soft charm that would coat his fingers with thick-gleaming oil, the way he
would touch himself and close his eyes with pleasure as he brought himself
closer to the edge�

�� But no, I want to be the one that does that.

�� Draco!�

�� Draco�s
eyes snapped open. Harry was kneeling in front of him, just the way he�d
imagined, but he wasn�t bowing his head, and the look in his eyes wasn�t a
mixture of calculation and shy delight, the way Draco had thought it would be.
Instead, Harry was clasping his hands and staring earnestly into his eyes.

�� I need you
to tell me about the lust,� Harry said. �What is it like? Why do you think it
struck you just now? Is it weaker or stronger than the other times it�s
appeared?�

�� Draco tried
to clear his throat. He tried to think rationally. If he had had a divided mind
since Harry halved the curse, he ought to be able to understand himself now and
hold himself back.

�� But the
only thing he could think of to say was, �Yes, it�s stronger. I want to fuck
you.�

�� Harry
swallowed, as if the announcement of the words had affected him in some
unanticipated way. That increased Draco�s curiosity. Did Harry have kinks that
he didn�t know about? Perhaps the Seekers of Justice had done him some good
after all, binding him to someone who could act in bed in the ways that Draco
liked�

�� The sheer insanity of that thought made the lust
puddle up in him and then drain away, and Draco slumped back in his chair,
shaking. It felt as though someone had dug fingers into his heart and stirred
it around.

�� I need you
to talk to me.� Harry�s voice was clear, calm, and steady, and Draco reached
out and clamped his fingers more tightly down on Harry�s hands. Harry didn�t
even wince. �Do you think it�s stronger because you�re in proximity to me?�

�� Draco
shuddered and opened his eyes. �Yes,� he whispered. He still couldn�t look at
Harry without thinking about fucking him.

�� Harry
sighed. �Then maybe you ought to go home after all. If that would give you some
space, some time to think about other things than me and concentrate on coming
to terms with what�s happened��

�� No,� Draco
said. �I know what will happen if I do that. Your friends will come up with
excuses to keep me away from you, and my father will find some way to enforce
his will. He might try a Memory Charm, as much as he wants to keep us apart.
And you made a promise, if you remember.� He locked eyes with Harry and tried
to force him to remember that, assuming that he still wanted to.

�� Harry
looked infinitely reluctant as he nodded. �Yes, I did,� he muttered. �But I
still need facts, Draco. Tell me the next time you experience one of those
surges, whether it�s lust or jealousy. I need to cast a revealing charm just as
it happens.�

�� Draco let
out a soft little sigh. He had won the battle more easily than he had thought
he would, and so he could be generous. �I thought you didn�t know which
revealing charm would work yet,� he said, as he changed his hold on Harry�s
hands to a caressing one, and then to one that helped him back to his feet.

�� I don�t,�
Harry said. �But I�ve eliminated several that I know won�t work, because they
don�t detect the presence of magical states as subtle as the ones that you�re experiencing.
I want to try one of the others instead��

�� He launched
into a theoretical explanation about spell signatures that left most of Draco�s understanding behind, but he didn�t mind. He simply
nodded and made admiring noises when appropriate, and watched Harry�s lips move
or his eyes spark or the sharp gestures of his hands as they cut through air.

�� He knew
that the curse had taken much from him. But it had also revealed beauties to
him that he wouldn�t have noticed otherwise.

�� And those
beauties would go on existing whether or not he ever found a cure for the half
of the curse that clung to him now.

*

�� That�s the
problem with every suggestion to talk to someone you make.� Draco�s voice was
tight with anger. �Who in the world can I talk to about this? Not you, you say.
You�re too close. Well, my parents won�t listen to me, and most of the Healers
either have some sort of prejudice against me, would want to treat me like an experiment,
or would be horrified that I hadn�t been arrested for my violent acts. So whom
do you suggest?�

�� Harry
leaned back in his chair and sighed. He and Draco had been working for the past
few hours to try and determine the best candidate for someone who could help
Draco sort through his issues. As he had said, the choice was limited.

�� Harry was
determined, though, that it not be him. He had
been too close, and he had been the one whom Draco had committed those
murders and cast those curses to save. He would be too tempted to excuse them,
or go the opposite direction and insist that Draco feel more guilt than was
warranted.

�� I probably should have beaten myself up more
than I did, since I used Unforgivables during the war, but I ran from
acknowledgment of that guilt.

�� Other
people hadn�t, though, and a recollection came to mind that made Harry sit up.
�Wait a minute,� he said. �There was someone Hermione went to see, someone who
makes a specialty of listening to war trauma and helping the survivors deal
with the killing or other crimes they may have committed.�

�� I wasn�t
in a war,� Draco said in a muffled voice. Harry glanced at him and saw that he
had his hands over his face. Harry�s heart throbbed in sympathy. Draco could no
longer ignore what had happened, what he had done, now that he didn�t have the
driving goal of getting Harry�s attention and agreement to his proposition, and
Harry thought the emotions were starting to close in on him.

�� But you
were under a curse, and most people agree that that is its own kind of
extenuating circumstance,� Harry said soothingly. �This is someone Hermione
visited when she was trying to deal with the fact that she took her parents�
memories of her away so that Voldemort wouldn�t be able to torture them.�

�� Draco�s
face flickered with a few complex expressions before he seemed to settle on
simple incredulity. �Granger did
that?� he demanded.

�� Yes,�
Harry said. Hermione had looked calmer each time he saw her after one of those
sessions, though her pale face and the tear-tracks on her cheeks made it
obvious that she�d wept. Harry sometimes wondered if he should have tried it
himself, but the price Hermione described was not one that he�d wanted to pay.
Besides, with his luck, someone would have uncovered his visits and revealed
them to the Prophet.

�� I think I
like her more now,� Draco said.

�� Harry
frowned at him. �Does that mean that you�ll be able to control the jealousy
when you�re around her?�

�� Draco held
up a hand in silent acknowledgment of his point. �You haven�t told me who this
person was that she visited. Who?�

�� A person
named Sanguis-Mentis,� Harry said, watching Draco
closely. He only looked blank, and Harry continued, wanting to ease up to Sanguis-Mentis�s nature in his own way. �She said that she was
able to draw off some of the pain and make Hermione feel better about what she
did. She explained the situations in a calm, logical way. That appealed to
Hermione. I don�t know if it would do the same thing for you. I don�t know if
she would use the same tactic, for that matter. But it might be worth looking
at.�

�� What made
her able to be so completely logical about a war that involved most of our
world?� Draco asked suspiciously. �And if she�s a Muggle, what made Granger
able to be so open with her?�

�� Harry
winced. Of course Draco had spotted the weak point in that particular story
right away. He wondered if Hermione would have shaken her head in pity and said
that she�d told him so if he complained.

�� Sanguis-Mentis isn�t human,� Harry admitted. �And not of a
race of creatures that traditionally concern themselves with wizards, either,
like house-elves. She agreed to help Hermione because of what Hermione paid
her.�

�� Harry.�
Draco�s eyes were narrow. Harry could envision that it would go badly for him
if he continued to lie by omission, and yielded.

�� Sanguis-Mentis is a kind of vampire,� Harry said. �Or at
least, that�s what I call her. Hermione had some long technical name. She�s
related to Dementors. But she feeds on despair and emotional anguish instead of
happiness, the way they do. She was able to help Hermione because she took some
of her trauma away.�

�� Draco let
out a slow breath. His eyes glittered, but Harry didn�t see anger over being
partially lied to there, the way he�d expected. Instead, Draco looked amused.

�� What?�
Harry asked.

�� I�m amazed
that Granger was willing to resort to such a measure,� Draco murmured. �I would
have expected her to suffer through the consequences of what she had done like
a good little Gryffindor, instead of getting a magical creature she must think
of as evil to take it away.�

�� Harry
smiled. �You don�t know Hermione very well,� he said. �She doesn�t see any
value in guilt for its own sake. You do something because of it or you don�t do
anything, and in that case, it�s better to take the guilt away. She saw no way
of making up for what she�d done during the war.�

�� But you
mentioned ways that I could,� Draco said. �Searching for the
leader of the Seekers of Justice, and apologizing.� He said the last
word with the same kind of resigned distaste that Harry would have expected him
to show towards picking up a poisonous spider.

�� Harry
blinked. �I did. But�I also assumed that you wouldn�t want to do those things.
And you have to get rid of the anguish somehow.�

�� Draco shook
his head. �There are still things I would rather do than trust myself to a
cousin of Dementors. Or a vampire. Perhaps someday, if
we�ve tried the other methods and they�re not working,� he added, probably
because Harry had given him a dubious glance. �But I�ll try these first.�

�� Harry
nodded hesitantly. �Do you think that you might want to speak with Hermione
about Sanguis-Mentis, in case you change your mind?�

�� Draco shook
his head and started to respond, but someone moved in the doorway of the
drawing room. Harry glanced up just as Ron leaned in.

�� Hermione
wants to stay here tonight, mate, in case something happens,� Ron said
neutrally. He kept his gaze aimed away from Malfoy, as though that would lessen
his disgust, but his lip kept curling in spite of himself. Harry smiled back,
knowing that Ron really would have
preferred it if he and Hermione had been able to simply leave and go back to
their own home, where they hadn�t spent nearly enough time the past week.

�� Fine,�
Harry said. �I assume you�re going home, then?�

�� Yeah.� Ron couldn�t help himself then; his eyes flicked
sideways at Draco, and Harry found himself looking at Draco in turn.

�� Draco, who
was staring at Ron with an expression more reminiscent of a hungry tiger than
anything else, his eyes so bright that Harry thought they would start sparking
any moment. Whose hand was closed on the back of the chair as if he would turn
that into a missile to throw at Ron. He was muttering
something beneath his breath that Harry recognized as a try at a wandless
Summoning Charm.

�� Harry
didn�t bother watching Ron�s expression of disdain, or watching Draco anymore
once he realized what was going on. He flicked his wand and cast the revealing
charm he�d been thinking of, the one that he hoped would mark the subtle
changes in Draco�s mind, like the jealousy.

�� The charm
leaped across the distance between him and Draco, sparked, hesitated, and then
finally caught and clung to Draco�s shoulders like St. Elmo�s fire. Harry
squinted to get the best sense of it, and finally the jealousy, or something
that he thought was the jealousy, appeared, entwined around Draco�s shoulders,
a dark mist that was shot with sparks of what looked like darting stars.

�� Harry
swallowed. The jealousy was wider than he had expected it to be, simply based
on the puzzle pieces that he had seen when he had halved the curse. And he
didn�t understand what the sparks meant.

�� Or the way
that it suddenly flared, red joining the black, as Draco turned back to regard
Harry with widened eyes and lips that looked as if he�d been biting them. Harry
decided it was the lust he was seeing when Draco rose from his chair and proceeded towards him with much the same stalking walk he
had shown earlier when he wanted to take Harry to bed. And yes, the look in his
eyes was the same.

�� Harry,�
Draco whispered.

�� Harry tried
to ignore the sensation of disappointment from his body as he studied the lust.
It was shot with dark sparks, in turn, also like stars, and then the dark
spread out and took over as Ron cleared his throat and said, �No offense, mate,
but I don�t really want to watch you two rolling around on the floor.�

�� Better him
and me than you and him,� Draco snapped, turning around. The darkness writhed
and twisted, and the red sparks had faded to the point that Harry had to squint
to make them out.

�� If he was right, and the blackness was the jealousy, while the red was
the lust�

�� Harry
swallowed. He didn�t know how or why the way he saw the emotions had changed
from the original curse, but he understood enough to know the extent of the
problem.

�� He would
try. Of course he would. Besides, Draco had set a limit of four tries that
wouldn�t be that hard to pass.

�� But Harry
very much feared now that he wasn�t going to be able to cure Draco.��

*

�� Review
responses can be found at http://lomonaaerenrr.livejournal.com/10788.html
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