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Survivor's Guilt	By : SpeedyTomato Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Lucius Views: 34080 -:- Recommendations : 3 -:- Currently Reading : 4
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter nor do I make any money of this dark dance of Harry Potter fanfic.

Chapter List
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Chapter 24

Beta'd by the amazing Tenchi. Thanks, Tenchi, you're the best!

Shutting the doors to the parlor they were going to use, Harry then walked over and flopped on the sofa. “I got hold of Dudley. He's not planning to come over. From what he said, he's going to talk to my aunt and uncle.” Stopping, he chuckled then said, scratching his head, “I think he's going to break the news to them about Charlie. That'll herald a big blow up I want no part of. He said if he does need to come over, he'll call first and wait until I answer. So, we have plenty of time alone.”
Leaning back in his chair, Lucius nodded, pleased with that part though he was apprehensive about the talk they were going to have. The topic was more the issue than anything else. Harry—well, he was fine to talk with and tended not to lose his temper about much with him. Even if he did, it was more like something snappish in nature rather than a full blow up. He could handle that. Quietly, he said, hoping to get to it, “Let me ask this—if we do something in the area of a relationship, what do you want, Harry?” The only apprehension he had about all that might come was losing a friendship he valued if the relationship failed. There was also a concern that Harry, with all he was dealing with, might be going into such an area for the wrong reason. That he didn't want either.
Leaning forward, resting his elbows on his knees, Harry looked at the man and said, “Honestly? The only thing I want is to see where it leads, nothing more. I'm not viewing it from the outset as something that may lead to a serious relationship. I just want to see what can come of it. If it does lead to something more serious, I'm good with that and won't object. Just to make it clear here, I'm not looking for something only casual either. If I wanted just the sexual part or something like that, I could find it, probably fairly easily. I value friendships and the relationships I have with you and others far more than I would that kind. There's also the fact that I don't want to ruin what we have, something I do like, by tossing that into the mix.”
Liking that, Lucius nodded. Quietly, he said, “On my end, it's the same way.” Stopping, he looked down then said, softly, “I don't want this taken wrong, but for my own piece of mind before we decide anything; this attraction, or whatever it is, isn't because of the help and me staying here, is it?” Stopping he waited to see what was said. Honestly, he didn't think it was, but he wanted to hear it.
“No,” Harry told him firmly with a shake of his head. “Nothing like that. I can say that confidently. I am grateful for all you've done and how you've helped, something I’ve told you before, but it's not for that reason. The attraction that's there comes from a different area entirely.” Looking at Lucius, he said, “Let me get this all out before you say anything. When I'm done, if you don't understand, I'll explain. Just don't take it badly if you don't and give me a chance to explain it if I don't word this well.” Seeing Lucius nod, he pressed on, “The truth? I don't need you for anything and I don't want to. What this is doesn't come from that. I want to make that clear. The chance to explore it comes not from need, but because I want it. I want to give it a try to explore it, nothing more. I don't ever want to need you for anything. If we end up together, I want that to be because of a mutual want.”
Sighing, running a hand through his hair as he tried to think how to word this, he pressed on, “We've both dealt with a lot of shite over the years, no doubt. I never attached myself to someone other than Ginny for various reasons. You had Narcissa, something I know is always going to be there. With us, though? We don't need each other, Lucius, and never will. What we have isn't based on that. We like what's there for other reasons. Some of it, from both our ends, is because we were lonely. I know that, but it's not an overwhelming part, just a small one. This? It's not for that reason on my end. I don't think it is on yours either. If we go there, it's because we want to, not a need for either of us. We may lean on each other once in a while to deal with whatever, but that's mutual support, not need. Does that make sense?”
“It does, completely,” Lucius said with a pleased nod. That he liked, as well as the fact that Harry was being honest about the matter.
Snickering, Harry glanced at him and admitted, “You're not my type, you should know that. In fact, you're far from it. It's there though, for many reasons.”
“I think I can safely say you're not my type either, Harry,” Lucius snorted, smirking slightly. “The age gap alone is one that I normally wouldn't consider. Then there is the fact that you are the same age as my son. I never would have thought about someone as young as you. It's different, though, for many reasons, when it comes to you.”
“Yeah, that part's given me some pause, I admit it,” Harry chuckled. Shaking his head, he added, “In fact, I've not really thought about anything with someone so much older than myself. It never crossed my mind. I think, though, it's come about from many things.” Quietly, he added, “Part of it, I think, is you understand so much about all that went on in a way that others never can, especially ones my age. I know it was from different perspectives, but you get it.”
“I do,” Lucius admitted. “That part—Harry, you need to understand that it's going to come into play in many ways. We were on opposite sides. It's going to cause problems for not only us, but others around that you consider friends and family. Once many find out we are trying for something that is more than a friendship type of relationship, it's going to set off a firestorm. Some of them are already having issues with what is here.”
“Fuck them,” Harry said, bluntly, looking at Lucius. “Yeah, I get that. I do. If I can get over the past and press on with what's there now, so can they. If they can't, I don't need them in my life. That's blunt and to the point. And, yeah, I expect problems with the past. Hell, the past is giving me plenty of problems right now. It's not going to be easy, I’m not stupid enough to think it will be. What's there now is something we've worked with in a way I wouldn't have thought we could manage just a year ago. If we can come this far, we can work from there.” Stopping, he looked at the man then asked, quietly, “How would Draco take if we do try?”
“That I don't know,” Lucius admitted with a shake of his head. “What is there now is something he does like, he admits that. Maturity is coming into play when it comes to the situation. If it stretches into a romantic area, I'm not sure how he'll take it. Narcissa's death still stings for both of us. What is there for him when it comes to that issue, I don't know. I hope that he would see this for what it is and be able to handle it.” Stopping, he looked at Harry then said, addressing the first segment of what Harry imparted, “We have worked through much, I admit that. This will be harder though and not the same thing. However, since we have a foundation to build on, we may be able to manage. Be prepared for it not to be easy. Dudley will readily accept it, I think. Many others won't. And that may hurt worse than you anticipate.”
“Let me ask this, and no offense intended; you understand the wrong moves that were made in the past? That some of what was done was dead wrong?” Harry inquired. This was something Lucius had said to him before so he didn't think it would be taken badly.
“Oh yes,” Lucius sighed, rubbing his eyes, looking sour. “Mistakes were made, lessons learned the hard way and I aided in many things over the years that ended up badly because of what I did.” Looking at Harry, he said, firmly, “I was wrong on so much, being blind to what was truly going on in favor of seeking power. That will not happen again, even if a chance arises.”
“And I believe you when you say that,” Harry told him quietly, looking at the man. “Because I've seen how much you've changed in a way many can't. That's all that matters to me. Others may have a problem understanding that part, but I don't. What you've done for me doesn't come from that want of power or how it may aid in like some of what went on in the past did. You did it because I'm a friend and it was right. None of what you've done when it comes to me was something you had to do. I suspect that there is some guilt involved that helped a bit with some, but that wasn't the driving force. Even if it was, that's kinda' one of the right reasons to help because it shows you have changed.”
Taking that in, looking at Harry, Lucius told him, “You're correct. And I will admit to some guilt over the past. It's not the foundation of why, however, just one stone of it. There will always be suspicion over that, however. You need to realize that.”
“And a chunk of the Wizarding world is sure I've always been off my nut or think I did what I did for ulterior motives. That’s always going to be there no matter what I do, Lucius. If they can't accept the plain simple facts and realize I know what I'm doing, it's their problem not mine.” Shrugging, he added, “It's going to cause problems if it gets out, that I know. I'll handle it like I always have. For now, I don't see a problem. I'm hiding and plan to stay that way for quite some time. No one is going to figure it out. We're taking steps to make sure it won’t be. We'll just keep right on doing that. At least until we decide one way or another.”
Thinking that over, Lucius was pleased. He was also pleased with the fact that Harry seemed to have really thought this out and wasn't just jumping in because of a physical attraction of some kind. That meant consideration went into much of it. There was also the suspicion that the younger man had discussed it with Dr. Netherwood. That was good as well. He didn't think the doctor would allow someone that was struggling with so much to jump into something like this without ensuring that they went over it and knew the reasoning. After a few moments, Lucius told him, “I would say that you and I see where this leads. At least take the first tentative steps in exploring it. It may not work out, we both realize that, but it may. I can't say I would object if it does.”
Liking that, Harry said, “I would like that, too.”
“Just keep in mind that I've not explored such a thing since you've been alive. It's been many a year since I've worked on a new relationship that wasn't business or friendship.” Stopping, he looked at Harry then added, quietly, “And, to be completely honest, even the sexual part hasn't come into play since before I went to prison. The want is there, I will readily admit that, especially since I do find you attractive in many ways, but there is some apprehension about both ends.”
“Frankly, it's an issue on my end as well,” Harry admitted, glancing at him. Shaking his head, he told the man, “Ginny was it for me when it came to something serious. And, now? Well, I can tell you that was probably for the wrong reasons. The sex part? It's been a few years there. I lost interest in just random encounters that meant nothing a long time ago, Lucius.” Looking down at the floor, he shrugged then added, “The depression—the first thing that seems to go is the sex drive. Nothing was going to come when it came to sex because of that part. It's coming back, finally, but it's not a driving force with anything.”
“In this area, I do need you to keep in mind my age, Harry,” Lucius smirked, shaking his head. “I am not as young as you and in no way have the drive someone your age does. I also refuse to take potency potions.”
Laughing at that, leaning back, Harry said, “Not a problem there. It's not something I'm worried about. Quality over quantity in this area.”
“Good,” Lucius told him, still smirking. After a few moments of quiet, he said, “I think we should see where this leads. Mayhaps it'll be something we both like. I do suggest, however, that we keep it mostly to ourselves. I believe Dudley can be told, but not others right now. They will, I think, figure it out on their own, but let's see what happens before we rain hell down on ourselves.”
“Works for me,” Harry told him. “I'll say something to Dudley, but he'll keep it to himself. The rest? Let them watch. That might help matters later on.”
“It may,” Lucius conceded, not having thought of that.
There was so much to work out here, Harry knew that, and topics that needed to be broached, but he thought they should deal with them as they came rather than try to sort through the mass all at once. That way they didn't end up trying to over think anything. Deciding that was probably enough on that end and it was time to just see what would happen, he changed the topic and asked, “Tell me, how much do you know about Muggle electronics?”
Looking at Harry, eyebrow arched, Lucius huffed then imparted, dryly, “Harry, you had to help me program my mobile. That should tell you the knowledge there is about nil.”
“Yeah, forgot about that,” Harry snorted, scratching his head. “Well, since I’m not the best at it either, it's going to be a case of the blind leading the blind here I think.”
Groaning, wondering what the younger man was thinking, Lucius rubbed his eyes. Shaking his head, he asked, tone exasperated, “What do you have in mind, Harry?”
Grinning, Harry said, “Something for the pitch. Since we've got nothing to do tonight, what say we go see if we can't figure this out? Between the two of us, we'll either get it worked out or make a right cock up of it. Either way, it should be good for a few laughs. What do you say?”
Shaking his head, though pleased at how well the 'talk' had gone when it was topic he had some apprehension over, Lucius told him, “I believe we can try. Just so it doesn't involve you trying to cause a heart storm of some kind with a dangerous stunt on the broom.” Standing, he smoothed down his robes and waited.
“Nope, no broom needed. Just some spells,” Harry said, rising.

Standing on the pitch about midnight, Lucius looked around the massive stadium, nodding. This—it was perfect. Smirking, he said, “I believe we did a good job, Harry! Especially since neither of us knew what we were doing going in.”
“We did!” Harry grinned, looking at the flashing lights they had worked with, listening to the driving music that was blaring out of the speakers. “The lights—yeah, not sure about them unless we want to put on a show of some kind, but I like the music. That'll just add to what's there when we muck around. Giving it a mood kind of thing, I think.”
Listening to the Muggle music from someone Harry told him was named Ozzy, Lucius nodded. He was still getting used to so many Muggle things and wasn't sure about some of the music when it came to Harry and Dudley's taste in it, but the energy from it was something he could feel. “Indeed! I can see where this will just improve the atmosphere.” Looking at the stands, most of which were dilapidated, he said, “Mayhaps you and I should start working on bringing the whole stadium up to standards again. I know it won't be used for anything formal, but we could invite others and allow them to sit at some point. Besides, it'll give us a project to work on a couple times a week. Getting out of the house and into the fresh air is always something good.”
Glancing around, Harry thought that over then nodded. “Yeah, that works. It'll take a lot of work, that's for damned sure, but we can at least make sure everything is safe and not apt to fall apart, even if we never use it. Don't want the Ministry coming in and condemning it anyway.”
“I doubt they would,” Lucius said with a dismissive wave. “As you aren't using it for anything commercial and they don't have to worry about what to do with it, they aren't going to bother. Safety for us, though, should be a concern. Yes, this is good. Let's chose Wednesdays. That's the day we could both probably use to get out of the house after those sessions. Dudley tends to be busy and Draco spends that time tending to other things. “
“Works for me,” Harry said, grinning. “I have the blueprints of the thing, of course. Tomorrow we can sit down and go over those then determine where to start. I think I know where the worst areas are to deal with and what needs the most work. Some are actually fine, like the locker rooms. It's just getting to them that is the problem.”
“Yes, good plan,” Lucius told him.
Looking around, grinning, Harry summoned his broom. When it was in his hand, he held it out for Lucius. Seeing the bewildered look there, he chuckled, “Let's go flying for a few. I think you should be the one doing it this time and I'll go along for the ride. After all, it's not like we are playing or anything, just a ride.”
Looking at the broom, Lucius thought it over then took it. Smirking, he mounted it and waited for Harry to get on. “Just don't expect to go fast and there will be no dangerous stunts, Harry.”
Climbing on and wrapping his arms around Lucius, Harry chuckled, “Didn't think there would be. I just figured it would do you good to not get the wits scared out of you for once.”
“There is that,” Lucius snorted, amused, as he kicked off the ground. Steering the broom, trying to get a feel for how it handled since he hadn't done this since school, Lucius found he liked the feeling. It wasn't the same as when he used to fly at breakneck speed when he was a teen, but it was fun. Navigating around the pitch, picking up speed as he did, he told Harry, “I forgot how good this feels.”
“Yeah, there is nothing like it in the whole world,” Harry told him with a grin, pressing tightly to his back.
Loving the feeling of both the freedom of navigating the broom and how Harry was pressed against him, arms wrapped around his waist, Lucius began to zigzag across the pitch. This was something he was going to have to do more often.
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Survivor's Guilt