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Let Love In	By : Kimmimaru Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Remus/Sirius Views: 3124 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any characters or settings by JK Rowling. I make no profit from this story.

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Chapter Twenty-Four: Squandered Childhood

Sirius sat low in his chair, his chin resting on the table as he gazed blankly at the knife that stood up in the wood. The empty bottles of firewhisky lay scattered across the table and he was revelling in the numbness that the drink was giving him, he didn't even care that Molly was giving him angry looks across the table. Arthur cleared his throat, pushing his glasses further up onto his nose, Sirius hiccoughed slightly.

"Oh for crying out loud!" Molly said suddenly, standing up and glaring at Sirius who jumped back as bottles fell to the floor smashing around his feet. "Sirius, clean these up, we're supposed to have a meeting soon! How can we have it while you are moping and drinking? What will Harry say when he sees you passed out on the stairs?"

Sirius giggled, swaying slightly. "Come on Molly...'m only havin' fun..." he slurred.

She made an angry noise, sounding very much like a cat. "I said, clean these up!" She brandished her wand threateningly at him until he sighed and drew out his own, waving it randomly and sending the bottles up into the air where they somehow formed a rather nice pyramid. Sirius gazed up at them, frowning.

"How on earth did I do that?" He muttered, his mind sluggish.

Molly closed her eyes, as if praying for patience before jabbing her wand at the bottles and making them soar into a corner where they stacked themselves neatly. "Now," She pointed her wand at a cupboard which opened and a bottle of yellowish liquid came flying out of it and landed in front of Sirius who looked at it warily. "Drink that and sober up before your Godson arrives!" She snapped.

Sirius looked guilty as he uncorked the suspicious bottle and downed it. He gagged but held it down. "Disgusting!" He retched. Slowly he felt his head begin to clear and without the numbing effects of the drink he felt his darkness closing in on him, as if the walls themselves were creeping closer. He shivered and hung his head dejectedly.

The meeting began when the others arrived, Remus saw Sirius sat slumped in his chair, gazing at a spot on the wall with a dark frown on his face. He walked over and put his hand on Sirius' arm. "Harry's here." He said softly. Sirius nodded. "Cheer up Sirius, you don't want Harry thinking you've been moping..."

"I have been moping, Remmy." Sirius sighed and tried to slump further in his seat. "It dusty...old and depressing..." he muttered darkly.

Before Remus could speak Snape stood up and the room fell silent. Maps and blue prints were spread out on the table and Sirius leaned on his hand and gazed mournfully at them while people discussed important issues...issues he had nothing to do with. The feeling of utter uselessness made him more depressed and he ended up leaning on Remus, yawning widely as they discussed who would take next watch.

Snape began telling them all he had managed to learn of the activities of Voldemort but he was interrupted by loud shouting from above their heads, after a brief pause Snape continued as if he had not been interrupted.

Once the meeting was over, people began to disperse. Sirius stayed where he was, eyeing the empty bottles longingly...he just wanted to drink himself into oblivion...

**"Filth! Scum! By-products of dirt and vileness! Half-breeds, mutants, freaks, be gone from this place! How dare you befoul the house of my father's..."

Sirius heard the screams, he flinched violently and a small gasp escaped him before he stood up and ran into the hallway. He found himself face to face with the monster woman who had given birth to him and the usual hatred and fury swamped him. "Shut up, you horrible old hag, shut UP!" he roared, seizing the curtain Mrs Weasley had abandoned.

The old woman's face blanched. "Yoooou!" she howled, her eyes popping at the sight of her son. "Blood traitor, abomination, shame of my flesh!"

"I said - shut - UP!" Sirius roared, and with a stupendous effort he and Remus managed to force the curtains closed again. He stood still a moment, panting slightly before turning and sweeping hair from his eyes. "Hello, Harry," he said grimly, "I see you've met my mother."

Sirius was surprised when Harry didn't know that Grimmauld place was his childhood home, he explained how he had grown up there as they made their way down into the large kitchen where Bill and the others were clearing away the remnants of the meeting. He tried to keep the bitterness about his situation out of his voice, but failed.

Dinner was a quiet affair with Tonks doing her usual in-dinner entertainment and others speaking softly to each other. Once everyone was satisfied and sleepy Mrs. Weasley decided that it was bed time.

"Not just yet, Molly" said Sirius, pushing away his empty plate and turning to look at Harry. "You know, I'm surprised at you. I thought the first thing you'd do when you got here would be to start asking questions about Voldemort." He saw the curiosity burn in those green eyes, he had discussed this before with the others, he hated that Harry, who had been through just as much as any one of them, was being kept in the dark about his parents killer. He was also feeling resentful towards Dumbledore for his own predicament so he wanted to do anything he could to defy him, even if it was only this.**

The argument that ensued was tense, Sirius feeling all his frustration, all his anger at Dumbledore come spewing out at Molly as he tried to defend Harry's right to know...to understand! It was too cruel to expect him to be in the dark, surely he had more right than anyone here to know what was happening? Finally they came to a compromise and they told Harry certain things, but not everything, much to Sirius' displeasure.

The weeks passed, Sirius tried to put on a happy face, he helped with the cleaning, he tried, but it was difficult as memories surrounded him, drowning him in darkness. One evening he sat in his room, gazing at a photograph stuck to the wall with a permanent sticking charm. It showed him, James, Remus and Peter all gazing out with big smiles on their faces, completely unaware of the awful fates that awaited them...he found himself wishing he could reclaim that innocence, to go back and stop himself from making those terrible mistakes.

Remus watched Sirius fall into depression and bitterness, he could do nothing to relieve it, he could only place a comforting hand on his shoulder. It hurt him to watch it, but he was forced to leave the house more and more often as the demands of the Order became harder. He had to contact the Werewolves, like last time, he was needed elsewhere and he could feel a divide begin between Sirius and himself. It was like watching his own arm being torn away, slowly but surely...and it caused him more pain than he would have admitted.

One evening Sirius lay on his bed, gazing up at the ceiling, thinking of James. Harry was his double...But Harry wasn't James...Harry was just like him...But he wasn't...Harry was his son and had the same smile...but James was dead...Harry was alive...but he wasn't James...

The thoughts circled his head until he wanted to scream in frustration, instead he rolled over, punching his pillow and burying his face into it. "James..." he whispered softly, muffling his voice in the pillow, he wanted his best friend back...he wanted to feel him in his arms, he wanted to hear his laughter, see his smile...

"Sirius?"

Sirius turned over gazing at the door which had opened to reveal Remus looking exhausted. He sat up, pushing hair from his eyes as Remus sat down on the bed and pulled him close. Sirius took a shaky breath. "You smell like wet dog." He muttered softly, gazing up at Remus through his hair.

Remus chuckled, pushing fingers into Sirius' hair and dragging his head to his. Their lips met and they kissed slowly for a moment. "So did you when you came in from the rain..." he murmured.

"I did?" Sirius moved closer, letting his tongue meet his lovers.

"Mm...yeah. You used to go running in the rain as Padfoot, remember?"

Sirius shook his head, pushing his hands into Remus' hair. "No...I don't."

"You don't?" Remus frowned.

Sirius looked at him and sighed. "My memories...sometimes I...I forget things. Azkaban...it sucks everything from you, It's difficult to keep some things."

Remus sighed. "I'm sorry."

"Not your fault, Moony."

"It is."

Sirius chuckled roughly, kissing Remus deeply. "How? It was me who never trusted you, I was the one who made the stupid decisions..."

"But I left you...when you needed me most." Remus pushed Sirius back onto the bed, looking into his eyes. "I won't leave you again, Sirius...trust me."

Sirius smiled, his hand in Remus' hair. "I do." He said simply and they kissed in silence for a long time, enjoying the shared breaths, the steady beating of their hearts and the feel of their lips and tongues. "I trust you with my life..." He whispered as Remus pulled away to slide his hands down Sirius' chest, he let out a soft breath of air and closed his eyes as Remus ran his tongue down his exposed chest, following the line of dark hair that led to his groin. As Remus' tongue found his erection he gasped, hands shoved into soft brown hair as his back arched off the bed. He bit down hard on his bottom lip as a spike of pleasure thrust its self deep into his stomach, he had to keep quiet, they hadn't told anyone about their trysts, their love was quiet and private, a burning talisman kept close to both their hearts so that when their hands entwined they both felt that electrical current shooting through their skin. Sirius closed his eyes, sinking into the sensation of the heat that surrounded him, he groaned softly, fingers tightening on Remus' until he was released. Remus gazed up at him through hair that was going grey prematurely, but his eyes burned fiercely in the dark as he leaned on Sirius' abdomen and they gazed at each other. Remus smiled, a bright thing in the dimness of the bedroom Sirius returned it and pulled him up so their lips met again, his hand slid down Remus' back as they kissed, their breathing in time with the beat of their hearts.

Over the next week they tried to snatch any time alone they could, which was difficult when people were running in and out and Mrs. Weasley was desperate to get them to help when she thought they looked idle. They would share longing glances across the table at meetings, and when they were alone they would do nothing but kiss. Sirius took advantage of everyone's distraction when they were cleaning and he pulled Remus into a room. He found himself slammed into a wall, a hot mouth on his as Remus devoured his gasps hungrily, their fingers tangled into each other's hair and they hardly broke apart to even breathe. When the door opened they would fall away from each other, avoiding each other's eyes and trying not to blush like naughty school children, but when they were interrupted, Remus would leave with a tiny smirk on his lips and Sirius tried to keep a straight face.

Sirius sat in his mother's bedroom, looking out the window as Buckbeak nudged him gently with his beak. Remus had left again, to go see if he could convince the Werewolves, Sirius had always thought the idea was pointless, but Dumbledore insisted on trying. He leaned on the window sill, a cigarette in between his fingers as he blew smoke out of the open window and remembered his last encounter with Remus in a locked room, he sighed heavily and jumped slightly as there was a knock on the door. It opened to reveal Harry standing there, his eyes landed on the cigarette and Sirius grinned sheepishly. "Don't tell Molly." He said. Harry smiled and moved into the room, bowing to Buckbeak, when the creature bowed back he moved over to pet him. "Are you ok?" Sirius asked, flicking the cigarette out of the window and turning to the boy.

"Yeah..." Harry muttered, although his face told a different story.

Sirius felt a slight jolt in his stomach as he realised he was supposed to do the Godfatherly thing and speak to the boy about his troubles, but he had never been very empathic it was one thing James had always teased him about at school, then he thought of James and chewed his lip as he gazed at Harry through his fringe. "Alright, what's wrong?" He said finally, moving across the room and sitting on the bed, a puff of dust rose around him and he grimaced.

Harry's eyes widened slightly. "Nothing."

Sirius raised an eyebrow, leaning forward slightly. "I'm not a fool, Harry...I can tell when something's wrong. You get that same crease between your eyebrows as James got."

Harry smiled slightly, seemingly pleased with that little piece of knowledge. Sirius felt rather pleased with himself for making the boy smile, but it was gone quickly and Sirius felt nervous. "I-uh...might not be very good at it...but...if you need to talk, I can listen...I mean..." He frowned and lowered his head, silently cursing himself, he really wasn't cut out for this. "Well, Remus is better at this kind of thing...but, I'm your Godfather...it's the least I can do."Harry simply stood there, gazing at Sirius as he muttered, slowly trailing into silence as he looked up with a smile. "Sorry, I guess Molly was right...I'm a bit useless at this."

Harry giggled. "It's nothing, really Sirius."

"Oh...ok, good...then...I suppose we'd better get going then...or Molly'll have my head." He smiled awkwardly, slightly relieved he didn't have to have any serious talks with his Godson.

Later, as he gazed at the tapestry showing his family tree, he realised why Harry had been so worried and he wanted to smack his head into the wall. How could he have been so stupid? He had completely forgotten about the Hearing! And then his self disdain turned to a small flutter of hope...and, no matter how much he pushed it aside, he couldn't stop it from blooming into something. If Harry was expelled, he would be able to come and live with him...he would be able to, at least in part, gain a little bit of James back...and the thoughts consumed him. he couldn't stop it...no matter how many times he told himself that Harry had to return to school, that it was better for him to finish his education, that he was still really just a teenager...it was impossible to completely crush the new sense of hope that bloomed in his chest.

"But Dumbledore...please, why can't I go?" Sirius said desperately. They were in the kitchen, trying to speak in hushed voices on the eleventh of August. Harry was asleep upstairs and Dumbledore had told them not to wake him. "Please, Albus...I'm begging you! Let me go with him! I-I'll be good! I'll stay as Padfoot! I won't do anything stupid..."

"Sirius, I have said no." Dumbledore said quietly, his blue eyes on the man in the slightly dusty robes stood opposite him. Sirius looked more like the boy he had been at school than ever, with his large, silvery eyes gazing pleadingly at Dumbledore.

"But..."

"No."

"Come on, I wouldn't actually go into the Ministry I..."

"No, Sirius."

Sirius gritted his teeth, clenching his hands into fists at his sides. "But he can't go through this alone! It's cruel!"

"He will not be alone, I will attend and defend his case."

"Dumbledore's right Sirius." Remus said softly from his corner, nursing a cup of tea.

"Remus..." Sirius whinged.

"I'm sorry." Dumbledore said gently.

"This is ridiculous! I'm stuck in this...this filthy house and now I can't even go see my own Godson off before he goes on trial?" Sirius' breathing hitched slightly as he fought for control over his emotions, his eyes were overly bright and Dumbledore sighed heavily, pinching the top of his nose in exasperation.

"It is for your own safety, Sirius. Until we can find a way to prove your innocence you must stay here and stay indoors! It is imperative that you do not needlessly risk yourself. If you are caught they will not bother to imprison you again, you will be subjected to the Dementors kiss and therefore be beyond any help...what would Harry do without you?"

Sirius opened and closed his mouth before making an angry noise and kicking a chair furiously, making Crookshanks hiss and run out from beneath it. "Fine!" Sirius hissed. "Fine..." he slumped down into a seat and hung his head.

Later that night Remus came to his room, he lay down on the bed. Sirius kept his back to him, trying to stay moody even while Remus's hands glided beneath his t-shirt and he whispered in his ear. "It'll be alright, Sirius. They won't expel him...not with the law on his side."

Sirius made a grunting noise. "That's not the point though, is it?" he hissed furiously, trying to ignore Remus' fingers as they grazed his ribs and made him shudder pleasantly.

"What is the point then?" Remus replied, kissing the back of Sirius' neck and smiling into his hair when he heard Sirius stifle a moan.

"The point...the point is...Ah...R-Remus..." he tried to wriggle away from the gentle touches, those intrepid fingers that seemed intent on blowing all his moody thoughts away. "I-I..." he hissed air through his teeth as Remus slid his hand into his underwear.

"You? You what, Sirius?" Remus muttered, chuckling when all he got in response was a soft moan.

"Fucking bastard..." Sirius sighed, his hand sliding down Remus' arm to grip his wrist tightly. "Nnn..."

"Not so angry anymore, are you?"

"Git." Sirius rolled over and gazed up at the shadowy silhouette of his lover. His black hair was spread across the white sheet beneath him and Remus ran his hands through it slowly, enjoying the way Sirius arched into his touch as he continued his ministrations.

It didn't take much before Sirius and Remus were scrambling around, tearing at each other's clothes. Their heavy gasps filling the dark room as Sirius threw his head back so hair cascaded down his back, Remus' hips moved in time with his, each thrust agonisingly slow as all thought was wiped away and Sirius found himself biting down on Remus' shoulder to try and stifle his voice, his fingers grasping desperately at anything and his body trembling. "Sirius..." Remus hissed, his lips moving against Sirius' throat as he thrust upward while the other straddled him. He came with a sharp gasp, his eyes snapping closed as he fought back his cry.

Later they lay in each other's arms, Sirius' eyes slowly falling closed as he rested his head on Remus' chest and his breathing began to even out. Remus' fingers in his hair and on his back soothed him into a deep, dreamless sleep...

**Speech taken from Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix by JK Rowling
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