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Other People's Choices	By : Lomonaaeren Category: Harry Potter > General > General Views: 24374 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 5
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. I am making no money from this story

Chapter List
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Chapter Twenty-Four—Endurance
"But if my dad was so awful to my mum, why did she decide that she had to date him later?"
Remus gives Harry an uneasy look. He does that a lot, Harry thinks. At first he thought it was only because he never came and visited Harry at the Dursleys, but now he thinks it goes deeper than that. All the way to being upset that Harry doesn't laugh at his stories of his parents, he thinks now.
And that's not true, anyway. Harry laughs at some of them. It's just that the ones where it sounds like his dad was bullying people, or even his mum, don't make him laugh.
Remus clears his throat and pushes the plate of biscuits he had standing ready when Harry came in across the table to him. The room where he's staying is always bright and sunny, thanks to the enchanted windows that light it up. And the dark-stained table and chairs and little end tables glow in the warmth. It's a pretty room, Harry thinks as he takes another biscuit. Just not always comforting. It looks a little too much like the drawing room at Privet Drive for that. Remus and Aunt Petunia have—had—similar taste in furniture.
He doesn't think Remus is a Legilimens, but he is pretty good at following up thoughts Harry hasn't voiced. "Do you ever feel sorry that your relatives died, Harry?" Remus asks now, toying with his own teacup. His eyes are sharp and bright.
Harry shrugs. He knows Remus by now. Some of the things he wants to say will get reactions that'll upset him, just like Remus gets upset at Harry not always laughing. "Sometimes I wish that I could have seen them again."
But it would have been just wanting to see the look on their faces when he told them he was going away to someone who would actually teach him magic during the summers. Nothing more than that.
"Albus was worried about you when they died."
"Then he could tell me that himself, instead of just telling me that he wants me to live with my cousin again."
Remus pauses, his nose twitching. Harry wonders if he would have figured out Remus is a werewolf even without Snape's warning. He does act awfully animal-like sometimes. "But—don't you want to live with your cousin? You grew up together."
"You know how my dad acted towards the Slytherins you told me about?" He's noticed how Remus is careful not to mention the names of those Slytherins.
"Yes?" Even more cautious.
"That's how my cousin acted towards me," Harry says, and takes another bite of biscuit. He might spoil his dinner. He doesn't care. He told both Ron and Hermione about Remus, and they'll always cover for him if he's missing. They understand why Harry wants to visit him in a way none of the Slytherins would.
Hell, maybe the Slytherins would run away at the very mention of the word werewolf.
It's not comfortable for Harry, with all these different people with different prejudices in his life, but since when is life about comfort for him? He takes another biscuit.
"I—he played pranks on you? Harry, that isn't that bad. You've known your cousin all your life. Can you really abandon—"
"Thanks for the tea, Remus," Harry says, and stands up. "And the biscuits." He turns around and walks to the door covered by the portrait of the Vampire Queen. She doesn't like him, so she always lets him out quickly.
"Harry, please. I'm not asking because I agree with Albus that you should necessarily go back there. I just want to know why you're not good friends with your cousin."
Necessarily, Harry thinks, and stands with his face to the wall and his back to Remus. "Because he bullied me and chased me and beat me up and told all the other kids that I was a freak and they couldn't be friends with me."
"I—see. James never did anything that bad."
"You said there was a Slytherin that he tried to chase away from my mum. That's pretty bad. And since I know from the stories Professor Snape told me that it was him, then it's even worse. It was bad enough that Professor Snape hated me for two years. That sounds a lot more like my cousin than just my dad having fun."
"Harry—"
Harry slips out of the portrait. Then he spends a minute standing with his eyes closed and fighting down the bitterness that started welling up when Remus was talking about his dad and the memories of Dudley came to him. He should have known that someone sharing memories of his parents wouldn't be helpful. Professor Snape was so careful with the memories of his mum, but Harry still know something painful and bitter happened between them.
And that painful bitter thing ended up with his mum and his dad getting married and giving birth to him.
Harry's tired, sometimes. He just wishes his existence wasn't painful for other people. Just once.
"Potter?"
Harry blinks his eyes open rapidly. That's not Ron's or Hermione's voice, which means he might be in trouble.
Daphne Greengrass is standing in front of him, frowning. She looks at the portrait of the Vampire Queen, and then shakes her head and says, "I know Professor Snape told you to stay with one of us. Come on, let's go to dinner."
Harry follows her mostly because he wants to know what she's going to decide next, if she'll report him to Snape or not. But she doesn't say anything about it all the way down the stairs and around the trick steps and through the corridor that always seems to have dust around the torch sconces no matter how hard the house-elves work. Harry's the one who finally has to bring it up as they're coming down the last steps. "Please don't tell Professor Snape that I was there."
Greengrass looks at him out of the corner of her eye. "That just makes me more worried. And it makes me think I should."
"He wants—"
"He wants to make sure that you're safe—"
Harry laughs. The sound is harsh and bitter even to his ears, so he stops. Greengrass is staring at him. "And sometimes things matter more to me than safety," he says. "Not because I'm a Gryffindor. Sometimes you need things to make you feel alive."
He's not sure why he thinks she'll understand. It's not a Slytherin vs Gryffindor thing. There are plenty of Gryffindors, like Hermione, who wouldn't understand and who would still think that he should obey a professor.
But Greengrass says, "Yes, I do. All right, I won't tell him. But you'll owe me a favor at some point in the future."
"At this point, I can't even worry about that. Thanks, Greengrass." Harry walks into dinner and nods to Blaise and Theo, then waves to Ron and Hermione at the other table. Draco glances at him, turns pink, and moves down the table. Harry sighs a little. So Draco doesn't want to talk to him.
Compared to finding out that his father was sort of like Dudley, that doesn't matter. Not today. He finds it hard to even sit down and force himself to eat the carrots and potatoes that appear in the bowls next to his plate.
*
Blaise knows very well that either someone upset Harry or they did something that upset Harry, but he can't get Harry to talk about it.
He asks indirectly, bringing up Harry's afternoon homework at dinner. Harry always acts quieter in Transfiguration than he does in other classes, maybe because they have it with his former Head of House, or maybe because he doesn't think he's good at it; Blaise hasn't figured out which yet. "Is your homework going all right?"
"The Transfiguration essay? Yes, all right."
So informative. Blaise doesn't want to ask a question in front of the others that would reveal something Harry doesn't want known, so he settles for observing Harry. And for observing the way that Flint and other Slytherins sometimes look at Harry.
There's no clue there, though. Flint keeps his eyes studiously away from Harry. None of the other sixth- or seventh-years seem inclined to meditate much on having a former Gryffindor in their House, not now they've got used to Harry's presence. Not even many of the first-years, who the story was new to, look at him anymore. Harry looks at his plate, and they look at each other, or their friends, or their own plates, or the books they've brought along to the table, the ones who should probably have Sorted Ravenclaw.
Blaise waits, tapping his fingers on the table next to his fork, until they're ready to stand. He and Harry, Theo, and Granger are going to meet up to practice some of the spells they've been studying. Weasley managed to get a detention for setting off a firework and has to spend tonight with Filch.
"Are you going to tell me what's wrong?" He asks it under his breath as he and Harry wait for Theo, but Theo hears it as he catches up to them and gives Blaise a slicing glance.
"There's nothing wrong."
"You've brooded all through dinner, Harry." Theo luckily takes up the interrogation, since Blaise isn't sure what to do in response to blatant denial. "There has to be something wrong. Usually you're talking or looking at the Gryffindor table instead of brooding."
"Or glaring at newspapers," Blaise adds, remembering the day that Harry found out about Black.
"It's nothing. I'm fine."
"What's nothing?" Granger has bounced up to them, and Blaise feels a moment's hope. She's both more direct—in fact, she's never heard of indirectness—and more experienced with getting things out of Harry.
"Nothing is nothing," Harry says, and grins. "Say, Hermione, you said that you thought we should perform the wand-shield first, instead of the skin-shield. Why? I mean, not many people seem to aim to break each other's wands in combat, so why do that one first?"
And away Granger goes, babbling information that Blaise would find fascinating if he wasn't lost in frustration at how easily Harry manipulated her into not asking questions.
Well, and admiration, too. That was deftly done. Blaise isn't sure he could have handled anyone the same way.
He meets Theo's eyes across Harry's head. Theo nods. At least that reassures Blaise he isn't imagining this, and he isn't alone in wanting to know the answer. It also confirms that Theo will try next, after they're in the practice session.
*
Harry is really good at magic, Theo realizes.
Of course, most of them have a specialty. Granger knows the theory, and Theo knows a lot about the Dark Arts, and Blaise knows poison, and Weasley...Weasley must know the history of every Quidditch team ever invented, Theo decides after wavering back and forth for a minute. Not much of a specialty, but. There you are. He is trying to be fair to Gryffindors.
But Harry, when he flings himself heart and soul into a spell, is great at it.
Theo wonders idly why he never tries that sort of thing at Potions, and then shakes it off. Harry is doing better in Professor Snape's class, anyway. Theo isn't here to think about that. He's here to pry Harry's secret out of his shell.
He steps up to Harry and cocks his head, watching the bright red shield that flickers around his wand. "That looks good. Do you think you could show me how to do that if we talked about it tonight?"
He gets immediately wary eyes, which doesn't make a lot of sense. Harry hasn't shown that much distrust of him since the summer holidays. But Harry wipes away a drop of sweat that's beaded at the corner of his eye and shrugs. "Sure. Although I've never taught someone before, so I don't know how good I'll be at it."
Theo only nods, and falls back for a time so that Harry can work on the spell with Granger. Granger achieves it on her third try, and beams. Then Harry turns around and waves Theo forwards. “We might as well do it here.”
Damn it. There goes my chance to talk to him privately. From the slight flicker of Harry’s eyes as he looks down at his own wand and dismisses the shield from around it so that he can show Theo how to cast the spell, that might be the reason he did it.
But Blaise is giving Theo speaking looks, and Theo himself wants to speak. So he pays attention to the lesson, and gets the spell on the fifth try, and endures Granger’s lecture on exactly how the wand-shield helps the wand resist the Disarming Charm, and then they go back to the Slytherin common room.
Theo glances at Blaise. Blaise nods and falls back. Theo speeds up a little, and Harry matches his pace without seeming to realize what he’s doing.
“I’m worried about you.” Theo thinks he has to be Gryffindor-direct about this, or he’s never going to get the words out.
Harry actually blinks a few times as if he thinks the words will make sense if he considers them. Then he asks, “Why? You’re staying with me, just the way Professor Snape said you should be. I don’t think Black’s going to break into the castle and try to kill me.”
Theo sighs. He’s not good at this. And he has to look around to make sure that no one else is near them, because he’s paranoid about what will happen if someone overhears this. “I’m worried about you because something happened, and you’re brooding about it, and you turned Granger’s question aside and Blaise’s question, and now you’re turning mine.”
“Maybe I just don’t want to talk about everything that’s going on in my life,” Harry snarls.
Theo feels his jaw drop open. That Harry would do this, when he was the one who adapted to living in a Death Eater’s household, and wanted to rescue Blaise from his mum, and—
Then he narrows his eyes. “Very funny, Harry. You can’t out-manipulate a Slytherin.”
“No, but I can outwait one,” Harry says, and slams his mouth shut.
He doesn’t say another word all the way to the common room, and he doesn’t say a word while they do their homework, and he doesn’t say a word while they’re getting ready for bed. Theo has to admit that not even his father is a master of the silent treatment like this. At one point Blaise actually resorts to making a snide remark about Weasley, and Harry only levels him with a glare and then climbs into bed and swishes the curtains shut.
Swishing should not be a dramatic statement. This one manages to be.
Theo looks at Blaise. Blaise only shakes his head, sighs, and climbs into his bed. “Maybe he’ll feel better tomorrow,” he mutters.
Theo can only nod helplessly.
*
Harry lies in his bed with his hands clenched together and his head pounding, his heart is beating so hard. The only good part of the day, he thinks, is that Greengrass is the one who found him outside Remus’s room, and agreed to a bargain. He doesn’t think he could have put Blaise or Theo off so easily.
He just—
He doesn’t have anything left.
His godfather is a murderer. His parents are gone. Tarquinius is nice enough in his own limited Death Eater-y way, but Harry can never forget that he owes the man a favor, and Tarquinius killed the Dursleys, so he might kill other people if he thinks he should. Including maybe people Harry is fond of. And Dumbledore is useless, and Professor McGonagall isn’t his Head of House anymore, and Hagrid can’t do anything.
And his father was a bully. And Remus doesn’t seem to see anything wrong with it. And Professor Snape wants to keep him from seeing Remus, which doesn’t help, because he was the one who Harry’s dad bullied and now Harry feels kind of awkward and sorry for him, and he also seems to hate werewolves, which Harry doesn’t, which makes Harry upset with him. And his Slytherin and Gryffindor friends both want to follow him around and “keep him safe,” and Blaise and Theo would probably also be horrified about Remus if they knew.
Harry was feeling settled, after this summer. He might not know where he’s going next summer, but he thought he could make do until then, and he trusted Tarquinius not to choose abusive guardians because he wants Harry alive and thinking of him kindly so Harry will do him that favor.
Now—
He can’t trust anybody. He doesn’t belong anywhere. Not with the Gryffindors who bullied Slytherins and don’t see anything wrong with that. Not with the Slytherins who want to trade for favors all the time and think it’s right to hate people because they have a disease they can’t help.
Harry rubs furiously at his eyes. He is not going to cry like a baby. That doesn’t do any good, either.
So what can he do?
I’m going to get so good at spells that—that I can fight Voldemort and win. That would get rid of one problem. And then I wouldn’t have to live any particular place, because the war would be over and I could defend myself against Black and no one would want to kill me.
Harry shudders and slowly brings his emotions back under control. He wants to study anyway. Blaise, Theo, Hermione, and even Ron aren’t going to see anything unusual in that, since Harry already said he wanted to.
And he just isn’t going to tell anybody things. He let Blaise and Theo think that he wanted to study alone this afternoon, while he slipped away to visit Remus. They wanted to play Exploding Snap anyway. That lie won’t work every time, but he only has to come up with a few that do and use them carefully, one at a time.
And he isn’t going to tell Remus that he’s disgusted by his dad being a bully. Remus just doesn’t understand. He wants to hear stories of his parents, so he’ll swallow the bad with the good and listen.
And he isn’t going to tell Professor Snape that he knows about the bullying. What the hell would he say? There’s nothing he can do. Nothing he can change. They’re getting along all right, and Snape won’t find out about him going to find Remus, either, so nothing needs to change.
And he isn’t going to tell anybody that he’s worried about this summer. What would it help?
Harry’s hands are clenched so hard that his fingers hurt. He sighs again and releases the hold. He’s all right. He’s really all right. Nothing will get better because he wants it to.
He has to get better at magic, and endure, and someday fight Voldemort and Black and win. That’s it. That’s all.
He can do this.
If he falls asleep restlessly and wakes up from a nightmare of Black and his dad laughing at him while Harry dies, well, that’s not something anyone needs to know, either.
*
SickPuppy: Unfortunately, knowing more means that Harry is also going to keep more secrets. Hey, they did it until they had to tell him.
Kain: Severus thought Harry would react with more horror. And he doesn't think that lying to Harry about Remus's condition is the rgiht thing to do. Now, the reasons behind that reaction aren't very alutristic. But it is the way he feels.
Remus does have his own biases, though, as you saw in this chapter. He really wants Harry to think well of his parents, and particularly James. Harry doesn't hate Remus for them, but he also isn't going to listen with a full and open heart. He'll always be reserving judgment.
Severus won't punish people until he has more evidence than the Legilimency, but yes, it is going to be pretty strong.
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