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Lost and Damned	By : danniperson Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Snape Views: 24087 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, the characters or the world or anything, and I make absolutely no profit from this.

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Lost and Damned

Tear Down This Steadfast Wall

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The following two weeks went far better than Severus had expected. Draco seemed better than he had in a while, and while his friendship with Potter wasn�t well known, Severus kept tabs on them. They seemed to get along much better than Severus had originally hoped. There still wasn�t much hope for half of his students, but there didn�t seem to be as many explosions. �Headmistress� Umbridge was driving everyone nuts, but the staff members all found unity in talking about her behind her back, and even those co-workers Severus barely spoke to, now found something very serious in common with him and they could carry on lengthy discussions bashing their new headmistress, only to come to a halt when the woman or members of the Inquisitorial Squad were in their presence.
Most importantly, his lessons with Potter were going much better than they ever had. The first day was a bit sketchy, but Severus kept his remarks to himself, because he could definitely see the effort the boy was putting into it. He nearly passed out from exhaustion midway through the first lesson, sweat sliding over his tan skin. The days after showed much improvement. He was no master Occlumens, but Severus found himself very impressed by how hard Potter was pushing himself and how well he was doing, compared to his failure over the past several months. Even that, however, could not stop Severus from stumbling upon new dreams and fantasies Potter entertained, but he held his tongue and Potter made no comment, either. They barely spoke during the lessons and only now and then, when Potter was too tired to move, they would engage in familiar, if strained, conversations.
�Legilimens!�
Potter teasing Draco about their kiss. Weasley trying to convince Potter how evil Draco was. Granger knitting strange pieces of cloth for house elves, spouting off about something called SPEW. Potter sitting with his friends, struggling to find ways to continue their D.A. meetings. Potter watching on both enviously and happily as Weasley and Granger cuddled up on the couch in the Gryffindor common room, asleep. He saw the face of young Ginevra Weasley before he was finally forced out.
Severus frowned. �That was a bit lacking, considering your recent accomplishments.�
�I know, I�m sorry�Bit tired today, s�all. I�ll do better,� Potter said.
He had a sharp retort on his tongue, but made himself hold it back. Potter knew how serious this was and Severus only nodded and raised his wand again. �Legilimens!�
Potter was sitting in the prefect�s bathroom, drinking with Draco, discussing his feelings about Severus�He got to the beginning of Potter trying to change the subject when he was suddenly shoved out.
Potter was breathing raggedly, stumbling a bit where he stood. His eyes were unfocused for a moment and Severus was half worried the boy might fall over, but he managed to stay on his shaky legs, his cheeks aflame. His green eyes darted around the room almost angrily, looking determinedly anywhere but Severus. Meanwhile, Severus tried hard not to think about what he had just witnessed or the strange feeling it gave him.
�Better,� Severus said. �Legilimens!�
The little trio was sitting by a fire, doing Potions homework. Weasley was griping about how awful Severus was while Granger admonished him with a pointed look towards Potter, who noticed and said nothing. Weasley went on to complain that he wasn�t sure what Potter saw in him. �S�not like it matters, does it, Ron?� Potter snapped before getting up and walking off. He turned back to say something out, but it was then that Severus was roughly pushed out of the boy�s mind.
Severus was a master Occlumens, skilled enough to underestimate just how difficult of an art it truly was. He frowned at how pale Potter was, still breathing as though he had run several miles to get here. Potter looked ready to throw up or pass out or something, but he finally managed to stand up, albeit shakily, nodding to Severus determinedly to show that he was ready.
The boy hardly looked to be in good condition, but Severus doubted he would always be well prepared when faced with the need to use Occlumency. Severus rarely was. Deciding it was a better lesson to keep pressing forward, he raised his wand again. �Legilimens!�
Severus caught a glimpse of Longbottom�s face before the image flickered and came back in time to see Potter and Longbottom watching Luna Lovegood holding up an issue of her father�s magazine, discussing some strange creature or another. This barely lasted a few seconds, though, before Severus was pushed out of the boy�s mind.
That was better than usual. When Severus was pulled back into present time, though, he found Potter lying on the ground, eyes closed and his wand still rolling until it hit the wall. Severus waited a moment, watching, almost half expecting Potter to rouse at any moment or to find the boy messing around. �Potter?� Severus said after a moment, concern kicking in. He strode over and gracefully fell to his knees beside the boy, reaching out to grab his shoulders and shook him forcefully. �Potter!�
Nothing. Severus leaned in closer, inspecting the boy for a moment for any injuries before prodding him in the chest. �Potter,� Severus growled, growing agitated and more worried. After a moment of hesitance he rested a hand over the boy�s chest, feeling his heart thump quickly beneath his palm. The brat was at least alive, Severus thought with some relief. Perhaps he had a potion that might rouse Potter, or maybe a spell�During his considerations he heard a quiet moan and glanced up anxiously into Potter�s face as his bright green eyes blinked open.
�W�happened?� Potter mumbled, looking confused.
�You passed out when you pushed me out of your mind,� Severus explained. �Get up, Potter.�
�M�kay,� Potter muttered and shifted around a bit, though aside from lifting his head, there wasn�t much getting up. Severus wondered if the boy was trying to get on his nerves, but one look at Potter�s face told him otherwise. He looked frustrated and embarrassed and the movement of his lips assured Severus he was only a breath away from cursing.
�Here,� Severus said, sighing as he reached down to slide his arm under Potter�s neck and the other around his middle, hoisting Potter up a bit. The boy barely had any balance at all and fell over into Severus, his arms flying wildly a moment before grasping Severus�s shoulders, trying to hold himself steady. His eyes were out of focus for a moment and he was taking slow, deep breaths as he tried to steady himself. Severus froze, just holding him steady until he was ready to do more. He felt like he should be helping Potter into a chair or laying him back down or something. Maybe he should be thinking of what potions he could get to help Potter faster or something of a more useful nature, but found himself sitting very still, unable to do much but watch Potter. In his mind he heard the Dark Lord�s suggestion to seduce Potter�Heard Potter telling Draco what it was he saw in him�Remembering both kisses Potter had given him and finding his lips tingling and eager to brush against Potter�s, to really get a feel of them and a taste of them�
He�s a boy, he scolded himself harshly. A fifteen year old boy.
Severus swallowed hard, that disgust and self loathing returning to him, but as he made to pull away, he met Potter�s eyes. He had such captivating eyes�Bright, emerald green�Giving him the most curious look. That look reminded Severus of the situation he was in, but he was finding it harder to pull away.
You always prided yourself on your self control, his mind taunted. Where is it now?
Severus swallowed hard, determinedly moving, but Potter�s grip on him tightened and he paused, letting Potter shift around a bit. All he managed to do was move closer and Severus couldn�t for the life of him figure out if it was done intentionally or not. �I feel like a girl, you holding me like this,� Potter muttered quietly.
�You do not feel like a girl,� Severus said, his voice too quiet and lost for his own liking.
Potter�s lips turned up a bit in a small smile, though the look in his eyes was too intense to allow anything like a real grin to appear. �I feel strange,� Potter whispered.
�What�s wrong?� Severus asked. The boy no longer seemed weak or dizzy.
�Same thing you always do to me,� Potter muttered, tongue flicking out to swipe across his lips. Severus watched its movement until it disappeared into his mouth. Severus looked back up into his green eyes as Potter shifted closer, green eyes sharp as they watched Severus, as if expecting him to snap or bite. Severus probably should, he thought to himself. It was the only logical course of action. He didn�t move, though. Why couldn�t he move?
�You are ridiculous, Potter,� he whispered.
The boy trembled slightly in his arms. �You should call me Harry.�
�That would be most inappropriate,� Severus muttered, feeling that name on the tip of his tongue, wanting badly to say it, but refusing to. He needed to snap out of it, he thought. He pulled away, moving his arms to push Harry�Potter at the same time, but Harry tightened his grip and moved closer still, his warm breath ghosting over Severus�s face. Severus froze yet again and Potter remained in his arms, shivering now and then. Severus wasn�t sure how long they were sitting there, so close, yet never close enough. His eyes hungrily roamed over his face and he caught those emerald orbs doing the same. Harry licked his lips again, so close Severus almost felt that tongue on his own lips. How desperately he longed to lean in and capture those lips in his own. Every inch of his body was aching with the desire to do so and Severus wondered how long he could last in this blissful torture before having to hex Harry to be free of this spell or give in and kiss him.
Harry gasped quietly, catching more of Severus�s attention and Severus worried he was sobering up, losing this beautiful little world they had created for themselves. He parted his lips, knowing he should say something, though his brain was working slow at coming up with the actual words. Harry had moved in closer, though, their lips almost touching. There was hesitance in Harry�s lips and in his movements, but the moment he felt the smallest brushing of Harry�s lips against his, he lost it entirely.
All of a sudden, Severus was kissing the boy deeply, holding him closer and immediately immersed in the feeling of drowning. Potter was not overly experienced, but he was eager and his lips were warm and he tasted of butterbeer and mint and faintly of those treacle tarts that had been served with dinner. He clung to Severus just as desperately as Severus held onto him, like anything less and they might fall apart, that holding each other and kissing each other in this way was the only thing holding them together. Severus didn�t mind much--he was too far gone to care, too caught up in these wonderful feelings to give anything a second thought as he should have. Instead he let his hands roam over Harry�s back, one hand sliding into that unruly, black hair, luxuriating in softness he had only dreamed about before. Harry, meanwhile, just clutched at him, probably not even sure what to do.
Severus kissed Harry more deeply and more passionately than he could ever remember, pouring all of those intense and confusing feelings he had kept buried inside into it, feeling almost entirely overwhelmed by the intensity of the feelings as they moved through him. There was no room to think about it, though, only to act upon it and express it.
That beautiful oblivion didn�t hold them captive long enough as a sudden rapping on the door pulled Severus from his blissful escape. He gasped sharply, heart hammering in his chest as he pulled away, letting Potter fall into a heap on the floor. �Oi!� Harry exclaimed but Severus glowered at him threateningly, placing a finger to his lips as the knocking continued. �Oh, Severus!� called out that sickeningly sweet voice of Dolores Umbridge. Severus reached down and grabbed Harry by his shirt and yanked him to his feet, shoving him into a chair and thrusting a parchment and a quill down in front of him and Harry hastily picked it up and began scribbling furiously.
Leaving him there, Severus swept across the room and took down the silencing charms and locking charms he put up, should anyone try to interrupt a lesson and was immensely glad he had done so. Severus quickly straightened his robes and quickly patted down his hair, hoping to Merlin he looked presentable as he pulled open the door, staring coldly down at the short woman. �I trust you are interrupting Potter�s detention for good reason, headmistress.�
�Of course,� the woman said, eyes sliding past Severus to look at Harry. �I was merely wondering if you had any more Veritaserum?�
�Of course,� Severus said, nodding and walking back into the office, quickly plucking up the three remaining vials of water and turning to place them directly into Umbridge�s hand, as the woman had followed behind him and remained too close for comfort.
�Thank you very much, Severus,� Umbridge said, turning to Harry. �Enjoying your line writing, Potter?�
Potter�s jaw tightened for a moment. �Yes. Very much.�
�Good. I bet you do,� Umbridge said, eyes flickering over his hand momentarily before turning back to Severus. �All he�s been doing is writing lines?�
�Is there anything else he should be doing?� Severus asked, well aware of the woman�s suspicions, his stomach twisting at the thought of what had just taken place on the floor of his office.
�No. Nothing at all,� Umbridge said quietly. �Good evening, Severus. Good evening, Mr. Potter.�
With that she skipped out of the room and with the closing of the door, awkwardness set upon them. Neither moved, neither spoke, neither dared to look at the other. Severus figured in a position such as this, acknowledging it would just make it worse. Somehow pretending it never happened seemed to him the best course of action.
�Are you well enough to continue your lesson, Potter?� Severus finally asked after several long, agonizing moments.
�Y�Yeah�I think so,� Harry said, setting the parchment and quill aside, standing up while Severus replaced the silencing and locking charms. Finally he turned to Harry, glad for the several feet between them and the decency Potter had not to look at him. It might have been his undoing, those bright green eyes. As it was, he pushed all guilt and desire from himself as he raised his wand.
�Legilimens!�

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Potter�Harry�Potter had done well the rest of their time together. Severus didn�t probe into his mind too much, fearing what he might find it he tried too hard. Harry pushed him out reasonably well and Severus faced no more memories of himself be they real events of imaginary. Severus didn�t dare practice much longer before sending Potter off with reminders to practice and threatening him with violence if no improvement could be seen. Severus was glad to be rid of the boy and he was finally able to retreat into his rooms, collapsing exhaustedly onto his couch.
What in the name of Merlin had happened tonight?! He was stronger than this! He wasn�t some pervert, some disgusting pedophile who preyed upon the children he taught. The boy was incredibly young, incredibly confused�Harry didn�t know what he wanted or how he felt. Nothing should be attractive about a scrawny, young boy. Nothing should be attractive about the son of the only woman he ever loved. Severus was not normally attracted to people so much younger than himself and these days rarely found an interest in anyone in their twenties. They were too immature, too much and too inexperienced. Nothing could be attractive about Harry because Severus had never been attracted to James, and Harry was practically that man�s clone! All but for those eyes�
Maybe it was her eyes, Severus comforted himself. Maybe it was all because of her eyes. It was no good excuse, but it was a comfort. He could accept that he might find some attachment to the boy because of Lily. That made sense. Nothing else did, but that.
He recalled that kiss, though, and felt everything within him melt. He could almost feel that warm, hard body against his and those soft lips against his own, the feel of that silky hair between his fingers�Pink tongue sliding across full lips and green eyes looking up at him in confusion and desire and hesitance. Severus felt his cock stir at the thought and blanched at the idea of being hard throughout that ordeal and imagining Potter feeling his arousal. Grumbling under his breath, Severus kicked off his shoes and pulled off his outer robe and shoved them to the floor before summoning his brandy and his book. He was going to ignore his hardness, refusing to touch himself to the image of that boy.
Severus laid back into the cushions of the couch and held the battered copy of Wuthering Heights in his hand, always a favorite, though at the moment it held no real appeal. Severus knew what he did want�But did he dare? Taking another long gulp of his drink he summoned a second book and tossed the first aside onto the coffee table. Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov was certainly more fitting, was it not? Severus had not read it in many years, but the book seemed to be calling out to him tonight. Ignoring the discomfort in his pants, Severus set his brandy aside and opened the book to the first page, wondering if he would feel more disgust or sympathy for Humbert Humbert as he read.

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Author�s Note: Three chapters in one day! Kind of surprised, but I did so you should all love me! Lol! Anyway, as promised, I gave some snarry fun! It wasn�t as long as I had hoped, but that�s fine. The next chapter should bring about a bit more action. I have a feeling the next few chapters will take a bit longer to get up because I think they�ll end up being longer�A lot has to happen, but I promise I hope for speedy updates for the last four chapters of Part One.
Thank you so much to everyone who is reading and reviewing! I hope everyone enjoys this chapter, and you know a good way to let me know!
Chapter title lyrics from �Unholy Confessions� by Avenged Sevenfold.
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Lost and Damned