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Let Love In	By : Kimmimaru Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Remus/Sirius Views: 3124 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any characters or settings by JK Rowling. I make no profit from this story.

Chapter List
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Chapter Twenty-Five: Haunted

When Harry returned from his hearing and told everyone all charges had been dropped the twins and Ginny started up an odd kind of War chant as they danced around the kitchen. Sirius tried to smile and be happy as he shook Harry's hand, but it was difficult. He had managed to get his hopes up, imagining what it would be like to live with Harry...what it would be like to have James return to him.

He watched the others celebrate and found himself feeling as if a wall had separated him from them...they lived in the light, they were children still, unaware of the true horror of war and the consequences of what could happen. They had never been forced to watch as friends died, they had never known the grief of watching loved ones die...

Remus kept a close eye on Sirius and he noticed how, when he thought no one was watching, he sank into misery. He sat in dark corners observing the happiness and laughter around him and only forcing a smile when someone spoke to him, Remus felt like he was sharing Sirius' misery...he couldn't stop the feeling of foreboding that filled him.

When the children received their Hogwarts letters and everyone discovered that Ron and Hermione had made Prefect Molly threw a little party for them, the bright crimson and gold banner made Sirius' heart clench painfully, but he also found an odd sense of wry amusement when he thought of how odd the colours looked against the dark greens and blacks of the rest of the house. People stood around talking, Ron telling anyone within ear shot about his new broom, Hermione discussing Elf rights with Remus who looked a little confused and the Twins sat in the corner, heads together in a way that reminded Sirius fiercely of himself and James.

**Sirius stood by the food, listening vaguely to Moody who was congratulating Ron. "Well, congratulations," said Moody, glaring at Ron with his normal eye, "authority figures always attract trouble, but I suppose Dumbledore thinks you can withstand most major jinxes or he wouldn't have appointed you."**

Remus smiled wryly as they discussed the fact that he had been Prefect. "Well, what Moody say's is true to a certain extent..." he told Hermione as he sipped his drink. "I remember one time when I was patrolling I ended up walking under a door and covered in slime..." He grimaced at the memory but heard Sirius burst into sudden hysterics, he turned and blinked at his friend as realisation dawned on him. "It...Sirius...was that you?" He exclaimed.

Sirius clapped him on the back. "I'm sorry...but James and I decided it was time to try and stop you from acting so self important!"

"Self important?" Remus pushed Sirius playfully in the shoulder as he laughed. "All these years I thought it was some kind of silly First Year prank and it was you all along! Git!"

Sirius grinned, remembering the prank clearly. "Ah, good times, Moony...good times."

Remus' smile softened. "Yes, they were." Their eyes lingered over long on each other and it took quite a bit to tear their gazes away, Sirius almost missed Hermione's slightly open mouth as she watched them, but Remus moved away.

Sirius, for something to do, spotted Mad-eye with Harry, he moved closer and spotted an old photograph. "What's that you've got there, Mad-Eye?" and Moody turned towards him. Sirius gazed down at it and felt his heart leap into his throat, he let his breath out slowly as he saw James waving up at him with a smile, beside him was Lily and...he almost growled with anger as he spotted Peter.

"Original Order, thought people would be interested." Moody growled.

"I...I remember..." Sirius whispered as flashes of memories shot through his head. "I danced with Lily that night...it was snowing and..." his voice trailed off and he felt a strong hand on his shoulder, he automatically leaned into the touch, knowing by scent that it was Remus. "They're all gone..."

"But they'll never be completely gone, Sirius." Remus whispered, his own eyes glued to Lily and James' smiling faces. "Gone...but we still hold them in our hearts."

Sirius downed his drink, in a poor attempt to try and distract himself. "Will it be any different this time around?" he muttered as Moody moved off to show someone else the picture.

"Yes. It has to be, Sirius." Remus replied softly. Sirius closed his eyes, leaning on his friend and sighed softly. "It'll be alright..."

As Sirius and Remus were walking up the stairs they heard Harry talking to someone, and Molly's voice as she sobbed desperately. He broke into a run but Remus overtook him, when they reached the room Sirius saw a body on the carpet...limbs sprawled across it...eyes dead and blank...He felt his breath leave him and he stumbled backwards, flashes of memories flitted across his mind's eye...

He could see him, lying in the hallway, his hazel eyes with no light...

Sirius couldn't breathe, his heart was beating too rapidly. He took a shaky breath as Remus ran forward, wand raised and the body turned into a shining orb before it was vanished. Finally Sirius let out his breath and closed his eyes, it was only a Boggart...only a Boggart...James had been dead for fourteen years...it had already happened.

**"Half the f - f - family's in the Order, it'll b - b - be a miracle if we all come through this: and P - P Percy's not talking to us: what if something d-d - dreadful happens and we've never in - in - made it up with him? And what's going to happen if Arthur and I get killed, who's g - g - going to look after Ron and Ginny?" Molly was sobbing desperately into Remus' shoulder who comforted her, Sirius was having difficulty looking away from the patch of carpet where the image of James'...no...Harry's body had lain.

"Molly that's enough;" said Remus firmly. "This isn't like last time. The Order are better prepared, we've got a head start, we know what Voldemort's up to..." Mrs Weasley gave a little squeak of fright at the sound of the name. "Oh, Molly, come on, it's about time you got used to hearing his name - look, I can't promise no one's going to get hurt, nobody can promise that, but we're much better off than we were last time. You weren't in the Order then, you don't understand. Last time we were outnumbered twenty to one by the Death Eaters and they were picking us off one by one."

Sirius swallowed the hard lump in his throat and tore himself away from past, away from memories of smiling, dead faces, away from the pain and anguish, away from stupid mistakes. "Don't worry about Percy." Said Sirius abruptly. "He'll come round. It's only a matter of time before Voldemort moves into the open; once he does, the whole Ministry's going to be begging us to forgive them. And I'm not sure I'll be accepting their apology," he added bitterly.**

Later Sirius stood before the ornate, full length mirror in his bedroom Wardrobe. He was gazing at himself, looking at the fine silver streaks in his ebony hair, at the tiny lines that surrounded his eyes and mouth, at the hollow, dead darkness that hid behind the silver-grey of his eyes. He swallowed and pressed his hand to the mirror, leaving an imprint on his reflection like the stain on his soul. He could see a figure stood behind him, a figure with messy black hair and glasses, a figure with a small, heart warming smile. He dared not turn around in case he disappeared so he settled for watching his twenty one year old friend in the mirror. If only he could see him one last time, speak to him, apologise and hopefully be forgiven...but this spectre merely smiled. "James..." Sirius whispered and the figure's smile widened in response. The hazel eyes were filled with affection, a warmth that surpassed anything Sirius had ever experienced and his heart was crushed in his chest as he lowered his head and pressed his forehead against the cool glass. Tears slipped free of his eyes and he shuddered as he almost felt arms embrace him, warm, friendly arms, comforting yet painful...because Sirius did not deserve forgiveness.

Remus found him in his room, kneeling before a mirror and crying silently as he rocked back and forth slightly, trying to fight off the grief. He had always known that Sirius had never forgiven himself, he had always known that Sirius was haunted by James. He moved quickly into the room, pulling Sirius into his arms and holding him, closing his eyes tightly against his own sadness. "Sirius...it's alright." He whispered, his voice cracking as he felt Sirius shake in his arms. "Everything will be fine." His words sounded empty, even to his own ears.

The shouts and laughter that morning were loud and bright, filling the house with something it had never heard before. Sirius sat in the kitchen, gazing at the empty fire place as he listened to the children scrambling to get ready for school. He chewed his lip before making a decision. "Fuck it." He muttered, climbing to his feet and transforming into a dog.

"...Alastor's going to deal with the luggage: oh, for heaven's sake, Sirius, Dumbledore said no!" A bear-like black dog had appeared at Harry's side as he was clambering over the various trunks cluttering the hall to get to Mrs Weasley. "Oh honestly..." said Mrs Weasley despairingly. "Well, on your own head be it!"

The air hit Sirius' fur and he couldn't stop himself from gambolling around, chasing his own tail and barking delightedly at the sights, sounds and wonderful, wonderful fresh air! He was free of the stinking, mouldering house! He entertained Harry by chasing some cats and pigeons, loving his laughter as he barked. He ran ahead of Molly and Tonks, tongue lolling and head bent as he sniffed the ground.

At the station he felt a vague kind of nostalgia as his eyes landed on the great red steam train that belched steam into the air. When it was time for the children to board the train, Sirius rose up on his hind legs as he gazed into Harry's eyes, trying to convey every human emotion he had ever felt about him, but Molly told him off and he fell back as they climbed on board. Sirius desperately wanted to join them, even as he ran alongside it as it left the platform...

When it was out of sight he sat down, tipped his head back and howled.

On the way back to Grimmauld place he turned to Remus, grabbing his robes in his teeth and pulling them gently, growling slightly. Remus understood what he wanted and followed him away from Molly and the others who called after them. "It's alright, Molly, I'll make sure he doesn't get into trouble." Remus called over his shoulder as he followed the big black dog. He had to run to keep up with Sirius, he vaulted a gate that led to an old graveyard and when he had woven through the grave stones he found Sirius standing, in human form, before a massive crypt. "Sirius! This dangerous!" He panted as he came to a halt beside his friend.

Sirius turned to him, silver eyes shining as the wind whipped his hair around his face, he absently tucked some strands behind his ear. "This place is protected, only a Black can enter and bring someone within the barrier." He said with a small shrug. "We're invisible to passersby."

"Still..." Remus straightened and looked up to read the Latin inscription. "This is..."

"My family's tomb, yeah." Sirius gazed at the door, guarded by two pillars with snakes curling up them, their mouths open as if ready to strike. After a moment he tore his eyes away and began searching the ground for something, then he saw it, a little patch of grass, raised in a small mound. He knelt and began digging with his hands, Remus watched in confused silence. Finally he had dug a small hole and Remus leaned closer, he saw the glint of tarnished silver as Sirius brought out a box. His fingers were covered in dirt and as he wiped hair from his eyes he smeared some of it across his forehead. "This is...something I buried after James' death. I..."

Remus looked at him and felt his heart ache. "You were planning on dying that day, weren't you?" He said softly, joining Sirius on his knees.

"Yeah...I was. I buried this here because...well, because I wanted to keep them safe." He tapped the box with his wand and it sprang open revealing its contents. Remus watched as Sirius removed photographs, letters and a silver necklace.

"Pethro..." Remus muttered as he drew out the necklace with a rune dangling from it.

"The Rune of fate and Destiny." Sirius said, smiling slightly. "I remember the day you gave me that..."

Remus turned to him, lifting the necklace up. "It was my mothers, given to her by my father...it's...kind of the closest thing to an heirloom as my family have. I gave it to you because..."

Sirius took it from him, slipping it over his head and tucking it beneath his robes. He leaned forward, kissing Remus on the lips. "And it is Destiny." He said quietly.

"You laughed at me when I said that." Remus raised an eyebrow and Sirius laughed.

"That was before I realised how much you meant to me..."

"All this time you..." Remus didn't get to finish as he felt Sirius' lips meet his in a demanding kiss.

Back inside Grimmauld place Sirius gazed down at the photograph as he sat in the quiet kitchen, the bottle of Firewhisky clutched in his trembling hand. He lifted it to his lips, taking a deep gulp before placing it back down. The Photo showed James and Lily in the back garden of their quaint little home, a small boy zooming around on his broomstick and giggling. James was smiling, chasing the boy around to try and stop him from damaging himself, Lily laughed happily as she oversaw her husband and son playing. Sirius watched them, eternally young, eternally stuck in that one, vividly happy moment...eternally gone from his life. He slammed the bottle down, sloshing the liquid within. "You left me..." He rasped to himself. "You left me here...to live without you is almost useless..." He covered his eyes with one shaking hand. Remus was out with the werewolves, Molly and the others had returned to the Burrow temporarily and so Sirius was alone. Without James he was doomed to float through space, like a comet with no gravitational pull to drag him back down. He watched James laughing...and he wanted to join him. He wanted to end it all, just so he could be with him again.

Remus returned, stumbling slightly on the top step as he struggled to remove his wand from the pocket of his torn robes, he was bleeding heavily...great dark stains soaking slowly into the worn material. He tapped the door and heard the familiar clicks and entered the hall, closing the door softly, with a wince he leaned against it, gasping quietly. His hand clutched at his side and when he opened his eyes he gazed down the dark corridor, pushing himself away from the wall he stumbled down the steps and into the kitchen...which he took to be empty at first. Then he spotted Sirius curled up in a corner, silver eyes hidden behind his hair until he slowly lifted his head. Remus gazed around and saw shattered glass, the room stank of alcohol and he sighed heavily before falling into a seat. "Are you drunk?" he muttered, pulling his robes away from the wound in his side.

Sirius smelt the blood and stood shakily, he stumbled over and sat down before Remus, his silver eyes were dark and dead as he gazed at the wound. "You hurt?" He muttered softly.

"It's nothing...a scratch." Remus replied, hating seeing Sirius so defeated.

"Tha's a lot of blood..." He said, withdrawing his wand. "Can I...?"

"No." Remus shook his head, pushing Sirius' wand away roughly. "I'll do it." He healed himself with soft mutter, wincing as the flesh knit itself back together. Once done he gazed at the half full bottle of Firewhisky, unable to meet Sirius' gaze. "Stop it." He muttered, failing to hide the pain in his voice.

"Stop what?" Sirius replied, blinking at Remus slowly.

"Stop trying to kill yourself." Remus grabbed the bottle, finishing it off in one gulp and a small wince. "I hate it." There was the flash of the wolf behind his eyes as he finally looked at Sirius. "You are destroying yourself...and It's not just me who is hurt by it. Think about Harry!"

Sirius flinched slightly, giving Remus a half hearted glare. "I'm not..."

"You are!" Remus stood up suddenly, ignoring the way his vision wavered as anger swept through him. "I have been watching you! You sit around, like there's a dark cloud of misery surrounding you! Think about this! Harry needs you! I...I NEED YOU!" He took a shuddery breath and turned his back on his lover, unable to see the hurt in his eyes. "Merlin! Why do things always come down to this?"

"Remus..."

"No...Sirius...stop." Remus closed his eyes tightly, rubbing his temples as a headache began to encroach. "I've had...a hard night."

"'M sorry..." Sirius sounded broken, his voice rough and cracked as he shifted in his chair.

"While you drown yourself in drink, Harry is probably having a hard time at school...have you even been reading the Prophet?"

"No...what's the point? All it is is lies...lies and pointless shit."

"The new DADA teacher is a woman from the Ministry..." Remus muttered as he turned around to see Sirius looking up at him, he looked almost childlike and it tore at Remus' heart but he held firm. "Dolores Jane Umbridge."

Sirius frowned slowly. "Wha' the woman who pushed through that legsi-legislation on Werewolves?"

"Yes." Remus' eyes flashed dangerously. If there was one thing that made him truly angry it was Umbridge.

"Wha's wrong with that? She's a jumped up cow..."

"What is wrong, Sirius, is that she is interfering in Hogwarts! If you had deigned to attend any meetings recently you would know that she will be spying for Fudge!" Remus hissed the words through his teeth, his fingers in fists at his sides. "She will make Harry's school life harder than it already is! He needs our support! Why can't you, for once in your life, put someone else before yourself?"

Sirius shook his head slowly, laughing to himself, but his laugh was horrible, it was cold and humourless. "What use am I?" He snapped suddenly, eyes narrowing as colour drained from his face making him look like a corpse. "I can't even leave this godforsaken shit hole! How am I supposed to be any help to Harry whatsoever? I am stuck! Stuck behind walls filled with her fucking screams! All I can hear in my head are insults! All I can feel is the pain they caused me! I hate it! I hate it here!" He was stood up, swaying slightly as his eyes glittered behind his fringe.

"You can help Harry by dragging yourself up and being there for him! He needs you, Sirius! He has no one else!" Remus snapped back, just as angrily.

"Harry is fine! He can look after himself..." Sirius replied.

"What? He's fifteen years old, Sirius!" Remus' eyes widened incredulously.

"Yeah, and he has dealt with more than anyone else here!" Sirius' voice rose slowly, echoing around the kitchen. "I was fifteen when my mother first used the cruciatus cruse on me! I was fifteen when my father broke my jaw! I was fifteen when they locked me in my room for nearly the whole summer with only the odd glass of water! I WAS FIFTEEN WHEN MY FATHER HANDED ME OVER TO DEATH EATERS...!" He took a sharp breath, eyes clouding with painful memories.

Remus' face softened. "I...I had no idea..."

"No...no you wouldn't. Because I never told anyone." Sirius turned his back, his shoulders shaking. "I'm sorry...I...I know I've been irresponsible but I..."

"Sirius...I should be the one apologising. I didn't mean to..."

"Doesn't matter...just..." He sighed heavily. "I want Harry to know the things I only had a taste of, Remus. I want him to be safe, to be happy...to never know what true pain is...but I can't! We can't protect him forever! He's got...got such an awful, terrible burden placed on him and at the end of the day none of us can help him...he's got to walk that dark path alone! And I hate it! I hate it because I can't do anything...I can't walk that path for him!"

Remus moved closer, placing a hand on Sirius' shoulder and turning him around so he could pull him into an embrace. "I know...I understand Sirius...but...you have to remember, Harry isn't James."

Sirius flinched but said nothing, he closed his eyes tightly and saw James' face so vividly it was painful. "James..." He whispered into Remus' robes.

**Speech by JK Rowling, Order of the Phoenix
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