Adult-FanFiction.org : Harry Potter

Because We Are Snakes	By : Setsuna24 Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Voldemort Views: 44500 -:- Recommendations : 2 -:- Currently Reading : 19
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter nor any recognizable characters or materials I make no money from this story and its just written for fun

Chapter List
- 24
- 25
- 26
Sorry for the long wait, I will create a forum place to answer reviews as soon as ai figure out how but if anyone wants to gove me pointers I will appreciate it.

BWAS CH25: Sharing is Caring and the Top Food Chain

Two days after Draco Malfoy received his extremely expensive gift things such as pesky rumor mongering and speculation had truly reached the point of ridiculous. Then, it proceeded to go promptly past it and into something which not even Harry could find an appropriate name for. It culminated as all things regarding Malfoy Jr. always do, with Malfoy Sr. making a speeded appearance to set things straight in the usual Malfoy way. That is to say, thinly veiled threats and some not so veiled and rather obvious ones.

Malfoy –Draco not Lucius- was completely mortified because as usual being the one the rumors are about he was the last to find out about what was going on and had to learn from his father what had been floating around the grapevine for quite some time by then. Learning from Mr. Malfoy involved some talk of blood purity, name shaming, and all around bad taste.

He was still confused after his father had finished his very terse speech and when asked “Father, what on Merlin’s name are you talking about?” Mr. Malfoy shocked him into a near catatonic state by answering “Do not deny it Draco, I hear you are in a forbidden love affair with that mudblood goopy of Potter’s.” This only served to send Draco into incredulous hysterics.

Apparently someone, most likely Snape or one of the upper year Slytherins, got it on themselves to inform Mr. Malfoy of the supposed love story between Draco and H (Hermione), Lavender had written a thirteen feet long story –which apparently was only book one- about their secret rendezvous with Padma under the penname Pamander and by the name of ‘A Slythindor Affair’. It had input from some of the other mush filled girls in Gryffindor who of course got no credit as ‘Pamander’ did the bulk of the writing and was passed around like some sort of illicit contraband, which he supposed it actually was as he was sure that sort of stuff was called girl porn in some circles, so as to avoid Hermione finding out. The complete thing was an exceedingly graphic work of fiction based on real characters, seeing as Draco and Hermione were not in fact having a forbidden love affair, but it had amassed a following after the first one foot chapter installment was released. Harry had read it, it was actually pretty good and could make a good smut/romance short novel if they changed the names and sold it to a publisher.

Honestly, he would not have thought the girls had that sort of business ingenuity in them. They got the other girls hooked for free on the first chapter and proceeded to charge for the privilege of owing/reading the following ones. It was a modified form of the charms used for the copy rights in published works and did not even allow for exert copies.

You had to pay to own each following one foot chapter update because Lavender had, in a bout of incredible business savvy, enrolled the twins into some sort of partnership in exchange for ten percent profit. They developed a charm that made sure parchments could not be copied and could only be read by the one who purchased them unless you paid the extra ten galleons fee to be permitted to share that parchment with a maximum of four people. It was cheaper to just pay the three galleons and have your own copy as well as more convenient for night-time behind shut and silenced bed curtains reading.

Whoever it was that told Mr. Malfoy had clearly enough extra coins to go about paying for the extra ten galleons sharing fee along with the regular three for owing the chapter and decided it would be the height of niceness to go ahead and send the parchments to Lord Prissy.

Mr. Malfoy raised such a stink about it that Draco, Professor Snape, Professor McGonagall and Hermione ended all up in a heated argument in Dumbledore’s office where Mr. Malfoy had proceeded to give his son a very public dressing down. It was a testament to how pissed the man was because in normal circumstances he would have kept that shit in private.

When Dumbledore had finally calmed the waters so to speak and inquired about some sort of explanation, Mr. Malfoy had proceeded to tell the tale of how ‘this filthy pauper’ –he pointed at Hermione as he said this- has dared to soil his house by means of soiling his heir with her gold digging wiles. Hermione was outraged as she had been previously and still was innocent and unaware of the things she was being accused of.

Dumbledore tried to keep things calm in his grandfatherly thinly-eyed ways and asked for clarification upon which Mr. Malfoy had practically shoved all thirteen one foot parchments under his nose. The old Headmaster read the parchments as Snape and McGonagall read over his shoulder. Snape raised an occasional eyebrow, McGonagall blushed furiously and shifted slightly side to side, Dumbledore seemed to have something stucked in his throat and cleared it every ten seconds, Mr. Malfoy seethed in boiling anger, Draco was all the way into a stupor and Hermione was still in confused anger.

At the end of the reading session Dumbledore put the parchments down and looked at the two students sitting in front of his desk and asked “Mr. Malfoy, Ms. Granger, what do you have to say about this?”

“I still don’t know what is going on!” and “I don’t know what you are talking about!” were nearly shouted at the man simultaneously.

This was about the time Lavander and Padma were called to the Headmaster’s office, escorted by an incredibly pissed McGonagall, and were quickly made to explain the situation and release two un-charmed copy to both Draco and Hermione so they could finally educate themselves in the situation they found themselves in.

Draco chocked in shock halfway through the second paragraph of chapter one and Hermione’s eyebrows climbed steadily higher as she speedread the whole thing. Her eyebrows were dangerously close to disappearing sometime soon. Once she was done reading about her supposed exploits with Draco Malfoy and how she was according to Lavander and Padma some sort closet deviant sex fiend, she put the parchments on Dumbledore’s desk and launched herself at the girls like some sort of feral beast claws and all.

It took a full body bind from Snape to subdue her all the while McGonagall admonished her for resorting to violence and Mr. Malfoy threw jabs along the lines of ‘like an animal’, ‘beneath us’, and ‘savages.’

Considering the circumstances and the besmirching of her character, Hermione got out of it with only a ten point loss for Gryffindor and no detention. Lavander and Padma on the other hand had not been so lucky, they got a one week suspension and detention every night for two months for distribution of lewd materials, defamation of character, making a profit out of other people’s name and other charges Harry didn’t get to find out because Hermione’s recounting kept being cut off to go on a tangent about how she was going to kill Lavander and Padma and Draco was in too much of an stupor to even tell the story properly. They also suffered severe point loss. The point loss along with the detention and Dumbledore’s promise to rid the school of what Mr. Malfoy referred to as ‘slandering work of would-be-fiction’ finally managed to calm the man enough to let the matter be, for now, and depart to whatever it was he had going that morning. It could have been worse, in all fairness; Mr. Malfoy had been threatening to sue the life out of both girls and Dumbledore. He tired to include Hermione in this threat too but as she was also a victim he had to let that one go, for which he was particularly soured, so it was good the girls got away with relatively so little retribution in comparison because Mr. Malfoy had enough of the Wizengamot in his pocket that a lawsuit could have gone terribly for everyone at the business end of his retribution.

Draco, the poor bastard, needed an extra strength calming draught from Snape and took the day off from classes to recover from supposed mental and emotional trauma; Harry thought he was being a drama queen in typical Draco Malfoy fashion. Hermione on the other hand had jumped at Lavander and Padma as soon as she was released from the full body bind, because the girls had been stupid enough to ask ‘But what about the publishers?’ while Hermione was being freed, and had the dubious pleasure of being stunned by both Snape and McGonagall at the same time and ended up spending the day sleeping it off at the Hospital Wing.

That night, during dinner, Dumbledore urged those owning a copy of ‘A Slythindor Affair’ to get rid of them by depositing them in a box within their common rooms in which they could be put in but not taken out unless it was by a Head of House or Dumbledore himself. Only fifteen out of the ninety six copies sold were returned seven of them by Hufflepuffs and in the end no one came forward as having one in their possession. After a castle wide room search the following afternoon with no results or progress the professors and Headmaster had to let it all go.

Somehow Fred and George had gotten wind of the search and had spent the morning before charging people to hide their copies for them so as to provide a much needed service to those not smart enough to hid things well without them being found within the first five minutes of the search. How profitably kind of them…

It was all a testament to the known fact that teenagers were amazing at hiding things when they put their minds to it, especially if said things had anything to do with sex.

Harry, who already two hours after the search had gotten annoyed by the constant bickering from Ron about the whole, ordeal seeing as it had nothing to do with him and did not involve Ron in any way, as well as by Hermione’s dark mood decided to spend the rest of the afternoon and well into the night in more pleasurable and fulfilling pursuits.

So he killed Umbridge.

Actually, he had not gone to the Chamber with the intention of doing so but ended up killing her none the less, mainly because he got bored of her screams. In the end, killing Umbridge was not the only thing he ended up doing.

He ate Umbridge.

In all fairness though, it would be more accurate to say that he was still eating Umbridge, had been doing so for the following three days in fact. He, in all his culinary knowledge courtesy of Aunt Petunia throwing cooking books at him since he could read and forcing him to cater all the meals eaten at the Dursley residence and Petunia’s social happenings, had decided to not let any of the meat go to waste and turn it into Jerky.

He had taught his house elf how to season it to his taste and prepare it just how he liked it.

He’s been munching on the Pink Bitch for days every time he gets the need to bite something or someone.

He’s also been feeding her to Ron.

Ron, the greedy gluttonous moron that he is, could not stop drooling about the nice Jerky Harry had been chewing on. Harry, being the wonderfully generous friend that he is, shared his morsel with his ‘best friend’. As Ron moaned at the taste of the dried meat, Harry did his best to contain his need to explode into uncontrollable fits of laughter at the fact that he was feeding his ‘friend’ their former teacher… a human. The red headed bottomless pit had gotten so enamored with the meat that Harry had graciously just gifted him his own pound of Jerky and told him not to ask for more because he was not sharing any of it anymore.

Ron can kill his own fat teacher and make him/her into Jerky if he likes it so much but Harry was sure as hell not sharing anymore. During this whole three glorious days Harry had come to the decision that of all the different meats he had tried since his biological upgrade, human was definitely the best, even if it was the Toad. If it tasted so incredible to him being from someone as subpar as Umbridge, he could only imagine the superb flavor the meat of someone as well bred as Malfoy Sr. would release as he bit into it. God, every time he thought about it, it just made him drool in want and hunger.

Hermione, bless her observant soul, had cottoned on that there was something going on with Harry’s Jerky the very first moment Ron put some in his big mouth and ate it. It must have been some evil mirth or something shining behind Harry’s eyes that she picked up on because she refused his offering to try some.

Later on, she had pulled him to the side of the common room and asked “Do I even what to know?” Before he could even answer she retracted her question and told him “You know what? I think I really don’t want to know.”

He chuckled and asked “Do you really not want to?”

She bit her lower lip, clearly conflicted between her need to know all things at all times and her self-preservation. Eventually, self-preservation must have won out because she said “Plausible deniability.” and proceeded to walk up to the girls’ dorm. The whole thing had him in secret stitches of concealed laughter for days. Ron, as usual, suspected nothing.

Malfoy too refused to try ‘Harry’s Homemade Jerky,’ probably because he was weary of being poisoned or some such ridiculousness. Theo fell for it… so did the twins, which to him was the height of hilarity since you could rarely get one over them. Word spread out and Harry’s Famous Homemade Jerky somehow got popular in Gryffindor Tower. Harry was, of course, pissed about having to share three pounds of his stash lest people start talking about how tightfisted the boy-who-lived was which would damage his already tenuous good name even more.

It was incredibly annoying, so much so that now he only ate his Umbridge Jerky when no one was around to see it and ask him for some. Though it was still hilarious that he had fed human meat to one fourth of the student population plus Dumbledore, Flitwick, and Hagrid and they had loved it so much some –some meaning Dumbledore- had even had the gall to ask for his recipe, to which he said it’s a secret blend of spices and left it at that regardless of how many times the man asked.

He did sell him a bag though, it was the most satisfying twenty galleons he had ever made, regardless of the fact he was out one more pound of his beloved jerky because of it.
- 24
- 25
- 26
You need to be logged in to leave a review for this story.You need to be logged in to leave a review for this story.
Report Story

Because We Are Snakes