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Lost and Damned	By : danniperson Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Snape Views: 24159 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, the characters or the world or anything, and I make absolutely no profit from this.

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Lost and Damned

No Limits to the Boundaries You Push

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The kiss that took place between them went unmentioned and seemingly forgotten, both Harry and Snape acting as though it had never happened at all. Sometimes Harry wondered if it had even happened, if not some wonderful dream. The sensations had been all too realistic and perfect, but the situation was entirely strange and unlikely, wasn�t it? Snape sure as hell didn�t act much differently. It was a bit painful to Harry, thinking about such a passionate kiss shared between them only to go on and remind himself that he wasn�t supposed to stay caught up in these feelings for the man and that nothing would ever happen between them again and he needed to move on. That one taste of hope, though, set back every tiny bit of progress he had managed.
Harry remained strong, though. He continued with his lessons fervently, putting every ounce of his strength and focus into them. This was about not letting anyone down, Harry told himself. Snape�s presence had become near unbearable these days, but there were things more important than his feelings. He had to learn more so that he could protect his friends, fight Voldemort, and make sure the sacrifice Dumbledore had made for him did not go unrewarded. This was what he needed to do and he realized that now more than ever. It was exhausting, especially with everything else going on at the time. He even managed to convince Snape to give him those extra Potions lessons that he had been telling everyone he was in the moment he started the Defense and Occlumency lessons, in preparation for the OWLs (since Harry needed an O in Potions to get into the NEWTs class and Harry had to have a NEWT in Potions to become an Auror).
Aside from his private lessons with Snape, Harry had plenty going on around him to keep his mind off of more unpleasant matters. McGonagall and Umbridge got into it over Professor McGonagall�s advice to him during their career advice session. Fred and George turned a corridor into a swamp area and left the school. Harry led Gryffindor to victory in their final Quidditch match of the season, a game that showed loads of improvement from Ron. Hagrid introduced them to his giant half brother, Grawp. The Inquisitorial Squad was on a warpath, tormenting the other Houses horribly while Draco always made sure to warn Harry of any big threats the group might produce. And, finally, at the beginning of the week, OWLs started.
�I�m pretty sure I did good on my Defense OWL,� Harry was telling Snape as the older man led him into his private chambers, a routine that had sprung up again the past few days, starting when Snape invited him in to fetch him a potion for his sore muscles. �I�m also pretty sure I did better in Potions than usual, though I�m not sure if it was O worthy or not,� Harry was babbling. He had done his very best on the Potions OWL, mainly because he needed it and partially to prove to Snape he could do it and another part of him wanted to impress him with his improvements. �Care of Magical Creatures wasn�t so bad, either�Not very confident in Astronomy�I am pretty confident I scored the lowest T ever in Divination, though,� Harry said, blanching, as he plopped down onto the familiar couch.
�Must you flop around like that?� Snape questioned, raising his eyebrow.
Harry only grinned and shrugged sheepishly.
Snape sighed. �You at least tried in Divination, didn�t you?�
�Well, of course I did. I�m not as lazy as you like to think,� Harry shot back defensively. �It�s only�I�ve never been good at it. I�m just not that worried�I don�t want it and I don�t need it to be an Auror.�
�It just so happens to be a highly unreliable and useless subject, so I suppose I will not think horribly of you for failing it as marvelously as you claim,� Snape said with a smirk and Harry fought a smile as best he could. These past few days, while somewhat tense, had been a bit more familiar and comforting and even friendly, an atmosphere Harry could remember clearly from earlier this year, times spent on this couch, talking with Snape about various subjects.
�I appreciate it,� Harry said with a grin.
Snape nodded and remained where he stood in the center of the room, speaking after a moment. �Do you wish to continue with Occlumency tonight?�
They had just got done with a few rounds of it just ten minutes ago and he wasn�t so eager to jump back into it. He realized it was his choice and he also knew that the more practice he had, the better. �Yeah, that�d be great,� he said, though he hardly thought it was great at all. He stood up and Snape flicked his wand so that all of the furniture soared past them, neatly resting by the far wall.
Harry�s mind was tired and weak, but he pushed himself, knowing that he had to. It was just like the lessons had always been these past few weeks, Snape avoiding any memories of him like the plague and Harry pushed them deep into the recesses of his mind. There were memories of the Dursleys and of his friends and the D.A. and everyone else who mattered.
His defenses were weaker now, though, and Snape was pushing harder and after a while, the memory of their kiss came into play. Both knew what it was the moment the tired and confused Harry looked up at Snape, the tension and the attraction clear between them. Harry found he gave up trying to push out altogether, and Snape wasn�t budging, either. Harry watched in fascination as he clutched awkwardly at Snape�s body while the man held him tightly, long, potion-stained fingers combing through his thick hair. Harry swallowed hard, feeling something stir deep within him. He could almost feel every touch of Snape�s hands, the feel of his lips, and the pressure of that hard body pressing against his, as though it were happening all over again. He was entirely transfixed by the scene before him, only to have it ruined the moment Umbridge started pounding on the door and with a gasp he fell back into the present, stumbling backwards, feeling sick and dizzy and frustrated.
�Get out!� Snape hissed, voice thick with anger and panic.
�Wha--why?� Harry demanded, suddenly finding himself in Snape�s viselike grip, being shoved to the door, watching it fling open. What the hell was his problem? It wasn�t the first time Snape had ever had to see something like that. Only the difference, Harry reminded himself, was that it was real. All the more reason for Snape to chill out. He hadn�t exactly pushed Harry away�He kissed him back and everything! Whatever Snape�s feelings were, he at least had to be attracted to Harry in that way�Could anyone kiss like that and not be physically interested in the person they were kissing?
�Wh--Stop!� Harry shouted, reaching out behind him to slam the door closed before Snape could push him through it, suddenly finding his back slammed into the door. Fury flashed through Snape�s eyes and he looked murderous now.
�You think you�re very clever, don�t you?� Snape hissed, reaching down for the doorknob, but Harry beat him there, gripping it firmly and refusing to let Snape move him.
�Not particularly,� Harry muttered. �Look, would you just stop? We should keep practicing.�
�Practicing? I�m not going to practice if--�
�I DIDN�T EVEN DO ANYTHING!� Harry screamed. �You could have ended the memory just as much as I could have, Snape!�
�Get out,� Snape hissed.
�NO!� Harry shouted. �I will not go! You can�t keep running away from whatever this is! There are some things more important than�than that! I need these lessons!�
�I am not running away, Potter!� Snape growled.
�Sure seems like it,� Harry shot back. �I bet you liked it. That�s it, isn�t it? You liked it a bit too much and now you�re running away so you don�t do something stupid.�
Snape looked, if possible, more angry and Harry wondered if maybe he had been right. He certainly hadn�t meant to land on the truth, only hoping to get under Snape�s skin and goad him some more. Snape could be so frustrating and Harry wanted nothing more than to get back at him. His response, though, only made Harry confused�There was something very�strange, Harry decided, in that glint in Snape�s eyes. Furious�Seething, even�and panicked, he wondered.
�I bet you did,� Harry whispered quietly, daringly reaching forward to stroke his hands down the middle of Snape�s robes, pushing aside the outer layer to feel around beneath them, causing Snape to pull back, but Harry reached out to grab him with one arm and just a moment later his palm slid over something very hard. Snape�s gasp assured him that it was definitely not Snape�s wand he was hiding in there.
�Potter,� Snape said in a warning tone, a definite note of panic now.
�Harry,� he reminded the man, desperately wanting to hear that dark, silky voice caress his given name in such a darkly seductive manner as he heard his surname.
�Unhand me at once,� he hissed.
Reluctantly, Harry let his hand fall away, and was surprised when Snape didn�t immediately jump back away from him. Instead he remained close, his breathing just as ragged as Harry�s had grown and hesitantly he looked up into those dark eyes, meeting a stare so intense he forgot how to breathe. Hands moved away from him, and yet they remained close enough to touch, tantalizingly close. The ability to think fled him and all he was really aware of was the tightness in his pants, the tingling in his stomach, and the sudden warmth spreading through his body.
Snape began backing away, slowly turning and steadily walking across the living room, as if it took every last bit of his strength to pull away from Harry. On the other hand. Harry found he wasn�t quite as strong or in his right mind and without much thought to it, found his feet moving, following after Snape, stopping as Snape did between the couch and coffee table. Anger, frustration, hunger, pleading�All sorts of different things he could see in those dark eyes as they met his again. �You need to leave,� Snape told him.
�You kissed me back,� Harry muttered, clinging to the feeling desperately, not wanting his mind to come back to reality, not wanting to face this, preferring to get lost in that sea of arousal so consuming that he couldn�t help himself but to take what he wanted. He didn�t want to come back to that moral and self-controlled self because he wanted every excuse possible to kiss him again.
�I don�t see what that has to do with anything,� Snape said.
�I want you to kiss me again,� Harry admitted.
�And I want you to leave,� Snape snapped.
�No, you don�t,� Harry argued.
�You dare--!� Snape began, voice growing muffled as Harry reached out, grabbing his shoulders and pressing himself up on his toes to kiss him.
It was a bold move. He knew it was wrong and he knew he promised not to try this anymore, but he had to know. Snape had kissed him back�Snape was hard�Then the way Snape had been looking at him! He had to know�Snape couldn�t make any more excuses! Maybe Snape didn�t love him, but there was something there! Harry knew it�There wasn�t any other explanation. Something existed between them and Harry couldn�t deny it and he couldn�t let Snape deny it, either.
So he kissed him. He kissed him with everything that he had, not worried about his unimpressive experience or what Snape would do when it was all over. To his pleasure, Snape�s arms immediately wrapped around him, pulling him close and kissing him back deeply. There was sudden movement and his heart jumped, half fearful of being shoved away, but Snape followed him down onto the couch, pressing him down into the cushions. Snape was strong and Harry found he didn�t mind the way Snape controlled him, in fact enjoying the feel of the man�s mouth taking over his and of those strong hands holding him down, allowing little movement. Harry wiggled his hips a bit, moving his legs around enough to allow Snape to settle between them, grasping Snape tighter and moaning into the kiss as he felt something press against his hardness. Snape froze, but before he could do anything, Harry bucked his hips up, seeking more contact with the older man.
Snape groaned, his own hips pressing back against Harry�s. �We need to stop, Potter,� Snape muttered against his lips, but Harry hardly noticed anything but the incredible feelings of his arousal pressing against Snape�s. He wiggled and moved eagerly beneath Snape, only hearing another groan and a pained grunt before finally the body on top of his was moving away. Harry reached out to stop him, but Snape pushed his hands away and staggered back.
�Leave, Potter,� Snape growled and Harry blinked in confusion, hearing the slamming of a door not long after.
He was so turned on it was painful and it took a few long moments before he realized what had happened. Blinking furiously, Harry suddenly sat up and straightened his glasses, looking around the room. Snape was gone, he realized, feeling a bit disappointed by this realization. Still, Harry scrambled to his feet and looked towards the closed bedroom door, figuring that was where Snape had gone. He was tempted to call out to him�To try to go in and see him�But Harry figured he had done enough for tonight. He felt his face heat up at the memory of what had happened, his heart still racing furiously in his chest. He couldn�t help but to feel a bit ashamed of himself�He knew he shouldn�t have gone that far. He knew this very well could have ruined the lessons he had been so dedicated to this past month or so. Harry knew how serious it was, though he reminded himself a bit bitterly that Snape hadn�t handled the whole thing very well, either, willing to throw Harry over one memory�
Harry left the man�s rooms and headed back to Gryffindor Tower, feeling too awful about himself and what he had done to feel any sort of victory over discovering that Snape did, in fact, feel something for him.

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�So�You�re just going to quit?�
Two nights later, Severus found himself glaring at Septima Vector. She was one of his few friends and one of few people he got along well with at all on staff. Tonight, though, Severus found her irritating as she judged him behind those dark brown eyes. They were sitting in his living room, the most private place Severus could think of at this time. He needed someone to talk to about all of this�He could feel himself steadily falling out of his tight control and it bothered him. Albus wasn�t here to help him�Septima was the next best person, in Severus�s opinion. Or had been until she decided to look at him like that, such a skeptical look in her gaze.
�I should,� Severus said stiffly.
�No, you shouldn�t,� argued Septima. �You can�t just give up on the boy because he has a crush on you.�
Severus gritted his teeth and took another drink of his brandy. He hadn�t quite been able to confess the whole thing to Septima just yet, though the woman was too perceptive and smart for her own good. She merely raised her eyebrow after a moment of silence and said, �There�s more?�
�He kissed me,� Severus said.
�And? You�re a grown wizard, Severus,� Septima reminded him. �What else?�
�He grabbed me.�
Septima rolled her eyes. �Now really, Severus. You are a grown wizard and he is just a boy! Nothing you can�t�Severus, what exactly happened?�
�I told you,� Severus growled. �He kissed me.�
�And you kissed him back?�
Severus nodded stiffly.
Septima said nothing for a moment. �Bu�Se�I�� she began before clearing her throat and shaking her head. �Why don�t you explain everything? From the beginning?�
Severus sighed heavily, though he was grateful for Septima�s patient tone and willingness to hear him out. �Albus had me giving the boy lessons midway through summer and we�got along well enough. Near the beginning of the school year, however, I discovered the boy had a �crush�on me,� Severus explained, clearing his throat. �Albus wanted him taught in Occlumency, so you can imagine how I came to gather this information. After that, always, I would find myself in the boy�s thoughts and in very compromising positions. It was infuriating, but�after a while�I found myself having similar�thoughts,� Severus said, feeling his own face heat up, though he sat tall and dignified as ever. �The boy saw my�vision�one day during our lessons when he used a Shield Charm against me. I have tried many times to get Albus to end it, but it wasn�t until right before he left that he granted me that wish. But when he was gone, the Dark Lord and Albus both wished for me to continue my relationship with the boy. He seemed much more serious, granted, at the time, but�A few weeks ago he kissed me and I�I forgot myself. I kissed him back�Only Umbridge banging on the blasted door stopped things,� Severus muttered, cringing. �Then, the other night, he kissed me again and I�pushed him onto the couch and he began rubbing himself against me and�I stopped it but�but I didn�t want to.�
Septima said nothing for a moment and while Severus did not bow his head in shame, he couldn�t bear to look at his old friend. �He�s only fifteen, Severus.�
�I am well aware,� Severus replied through gritted teeth. �That is why this is such a dilemma.�
�Hmm,� Septima sighed. �Do you have feelings for him?�
Severus glared at her sharply. �What?�
Septima didn�t blink or turn away afraid. �You heard me, Severus. Really. You�ve never taken a liking to young boys before, and I was merely wondering if perhaps you had developed feelings for him that might explain your�desires.�
�I bloody well do not have feelings for a child!�
�You�re attracted to a child,� Septima pointed out coolly.
Severus had nothing to say to that and didn�t bother trying. Instead he sat back in his chair, glaring at his friend.
�So. Feelings?�
�Irritated,� Severus replied.
Septima sighed impatiently. �For Harry Potter?�
�Merlin, no,� Severus said.
Septima looked doubtful. Severus could have hit her for it. How dare she imply that he might have feelings for the boy? Severus couldn�t� have feelings for him. The only thing more wrong than being attracted to the son of the only woman he ever loved was developing feelings for the son of the only woman he ever loved.
�Any�attraction I might have is because�of his mother,� Severus said.
�You can�t honestly believe that?� laughed Septima. �No, you are not that sort of man, Severus. I can hardly see you losing your control for anything, Severus. Your undoing was certainly not feelings you hold for the boy�s mother. Only the boy himself could have inspired such a power.�
�That,� Severus said, �is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard.�
Septima laughed quietly, brown eyes shining in both amusement and sympathy. She didn�t have to say it for Severus to understand that she thought he was the one being ridiculous. It irritated him, but he said nothing further on the subject. He drank more of his brandy and refused to even entertain Septima�s suggestion that he might feel something for Potter.

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While Severus Snape and Septima Vector enjoyed brandy in silence, Harry Potter was trying desperately hard to concentrate on his History of Magic OWL. It was horrible enough that the class was so boring�It wasn�t fair, Harry thought to himself. Not only was it such a difficult class due to dullness, but Harry had too many things on his mind to be helpful. Hagrid was gone, McGonagall was injured, and he hadn�t seen Snape in two days. He was getting a headache, which definitely wasn�t helping matters, but he struggled onward, quill poised above the parchment, though his mind was too blank to offer up much of anything. The scratching of quills could be heard all around him and the quiet footsteps of Professor Tofty.
He recalled a few names and places and dates, and quickly scribbled them down, though he wasn�t sure any of it made sense or if any people or places he wrote even matched. He glanced up at the hourglass frequently, hoping time would disappear and they�d be done�It was harder to keep his eyes open now. He was so tired�Harry wracked his brain, desperate for anything else he could get�
The room slowly faded out of focus, melting into the dark corridor to the Department of Mysteries, the same place he had been dreaming of for so long. He walked smoothly, purposefully, gliding along eagerly, moving faster and faster towards his destination. The black door swung open for him and moved without pause and without hesitance towards the second door and jogged the last few feet to the third floor which opened welcomingly, just as the others had.
Again he found himself in that cathedral-sized room full of shelves and glass spheres. His heart was beating very fast now. He was going to get there this time around. When he reached number ninety-seven he turned and hurried down the long aisle. There was a dark shape on the floor at the very end, moving like a wounded animal. Harry�s stomach contracted with fear�with excitement.
�Take it for me,� came his high, cold voice. �Lift it down now�I cannot touch it�But you can��
The black shape on the floor shifted. Harry grasped his wand and pointed it at the figure. �Crucio!�
The man on the floor screamed in pain, struggling to stand, but fell back, writhing. Harry was laughing. He raised his wand and the curse lifted and the figure groaned and became motionless.
�Lord Voldemort is waiting,� he said.
Trembling, the man slowly raised his shoulders a few inches and then his head. His face was bloodstained and gaunt. He was hurt, but he was defiant. Despite his physical weakness, the man portrayed a sort of annoying strength.
�You�ll have to kill me,� Sirius whispered.
�Undoubtedly I shall, in the end,� he said in the same cold, empty tone. �But you will fetch it for me first, Black. You think you have felt pain thus far? Think again�We have hours ahead of us and nobody to hear you scream.�
Someone screamed as Voldemort lowered his wand again and fell sideways. He hit the cold stone floor painfully with a loud thud. Harry hit the ground and awoke, still screaming, his scar on fire. The Great Hall erupted all around him and all Harry could think about was saving Sirius Black.

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Author�s Note: Hope everyone�s enjoying! Only three more chapters left in Part One! Getting to the good stuff, too! Hehehehe! Please review, you know I love to hear from you!
Chapter title lyrics from �Waking the Demon� by Bullet for My Valentine.
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Lost and Damned