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Amore et Amicitia	By : Kimmimaru Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Sirius/James Views: 6685 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any characters or settings by JK Rowling. I make no profit from this story.

Chapter List
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AN: As you can probs guess by the title this is not a happy chapter. This is one of the hardest things I have ever written as I am drawing on personal experience. I hope you enjoy and I know I’m, torturing Sirius, but he’s just so easy. :p PS: WARNING: This chapter contains scenes of child abuse, self harm and attempted suicide. See what I mean? Lol. (Thank you to Cham, and my ever faithful reviewers, I hope I don’t make you cry too much! Lol)

Chapter Twenty-Seven: Solus (Alone)

Sirius lay on his bed and gazed up at the ceiling, his hand was clenched into a fist and hid the long scar that symbolised the chains that bound him to a black future. He closed his eyes and sighed heavily, he hadn’t told James about the ceremony, in fact he hadn’t spoken to him at all since his Uncle had left. With Alphard’s disappearance Sirius was truly alone, he had no barrier against the wrath of his parents and they knew it. He rolled onto his side with a wince as pain shot through his side and curled into a ball. Slowly he opened his hand and looked at the thin scar for a long time, he felt empty, emotion was difficult and he had spent days lying in a near-comatose state feeling nothing even as his father had shaken him to try and get some response. His mother was at her wits end with him, after Lyra had told them that during the ceremony she had picked up strong hints of negative emotions from him. When their blood had mingled they had formed a temporary bond through which random thoughts and feelings would escape and be felt by the other. Lyra had told his parents that he hadn’t wanted to bind himself to her, she had glared at him as she spoke and when she had left Walburga had cursed him...

“I have had enough of you and your continued disobedience! You useless, pathetic excuse for a pureblood! How could you embarrass me like this?! I WISH YOU WOULD JUST DIE!”

Sirius shivered and put both hands over his ears as his mother’s insane screams echoed through his mind, he tried to escape but couldn’t.

She had wrapped her claw-like fingers around his throat and squeezed, he had fought for breath as he was forced into the wall. His eyes wide as he gazed into his mothers eyes and seen the monster that haunted his childhood. She screamed at him, mostly incomprehensible noises, but he could hear the odd word;

“...Fithly Bloodtraitor...”

“Useless...”

“Pathetic...”

“Stop crying!”

“How dare you...”

“...Never as good as your brother...”

“...Wish you had never been born...”

“Stain of Dishonour...”

“I should have killed you when you were born!”

“DIE! DIE! DIE!”

Sirius felt sickness engulf him and he gripped his stomach with a desperate moan, he squeezed his eyes shut and sobbed helplessly. He was hardly aware of the bruises covering his skin, the burn marks were the worst...

Walburga stood above him, her wand pointed at him. He screamed when the hot light hit him, making tiny marks on his flesh like cigarette burns. He tried to escape but was dragged back by his hair.

“M-Mother...No! Please...”

“Stop!”

“I-It h-hurts...m-mum...!”

He let his eyes open half way and gazed across his bedroom through a haze he associated with alcohol, but he wasn’t drunk. He slowly climbed off the bed, stumbling into his side table and grunting as his hip hit the wooden corner. Ignoring the sharp flare of pain he opened his door and moved into the hall, he was alone as he descended the stairs and entered the kitchen. He gazed at the cupboard that held his father’s alcohol and began rummaging through it, he grabbed several bottles of whiskey and a bottle of wine before kneeling down and searching the lower half. Bottles stood in uniform lines, each one labelled with the contents. Potions for all maladies were there along with some other, more vicious potions. He found a tiny bottle of Death-cap potion, it’s bottle was clear glass and revealed the dangerous looking red liquid within. Sirius gripped it tightly in one shaking fist as he stood up slowly, he held the alcohol close to his chest and the poison in one sweaty palm before turning and running upstairs.

He threw open his bedroom door and slammed it shut as he sealed it with magic. Slowly he let the bottles fall to the bed and placed the poison on his bedside table by his alarm clock. He gazed at it with haunted eyes as he opened a bottle of whiskey and took a long swig, he winced as it burnt his throat but was soon drinking heavily.

Several bottles later and Sirius sat swaying on his spot where he knelt on his bed, he was wearing his night shirt and nothing else as he stared at the poison. His thoughts were blurred around the edge as his mother’s continued screams and hatred filled his mind to the determent of all else. He finished the last bottle of whiskey and felt his stomach cramp, he doubled over and squeezed his eyes shut as the urge to vomit passed slowly. When he was feeling a little better he sat upright and reached for the poison. He uncorked it with a shaking hand before upending it and swallowing the contents, it was thick and made him gag but when he was finished he let the bottle fall from lax fingers to shatter upon the floor. He fell backwards onto his bed and stared blankly up at the huge Gryffindor banner above his bed, he took short, shallow breaths as he waited for the poison to take affect. He felt no fear, on the contrary the nearness of death was a comfort and he felt tears slide down his cheeks, not from grief but relief. No more fighting. No more pain. Only freedom awaited him on the other side and he smiled at that thought. He sighed and blinked sluggishly at his banner, his eyes moving down to a photograph of James. James was smiling and waving at him, Sirius lifted one heavy arm and waved back before giggling to himself. “You’re so fucking...” He said in a blurry, near incomprehensible voice. “So fucking amashing...” He laughed again, louder this time as the James in the photograph watched him. “Love you Jamie...have done for ever...You know I have but you never...” He frowned losing track of his thoughts as they raced ahead of him. “I want you to be happy...” He closed his eyes, his mind going back to the three letters he had written to his friends. He smiled.

Sirius felt another stomach cramp hit him and he doubled over with a heavy groan, he gripped his stomach and gasped.

Moony,

I can’t tell you how much you mean to me. Your friendship is a ladder of hope in a world full of agony. I love you, you’re more than a brother to me. I can only say thank you for everything, thank you for trusting me and thank you for letting me into your heart.

Agony throbbed through every nerve ending, Sirius uttered a stifled cry and convulsed on the bed. His eyes continued to stare blindly at the banner, the lion seemed to be roaring and the sound filled his ears until it was too painful. “Stoooop...” He moaned and tried to cover his ears but he couldn’t move his twitching hands, his body went rigid and his eyes widened. A tiny gasp escaped his blue lips but that was the only breath he could take.

Peter...

We’ve had our differences, but don’t think that you bring some small thing to the group, you’re our spy. Our gossip gatherer, without you we’d never know who was shagging who or what McGonagall was going to test us on. Without you we’d never be able to threaten people into silence. You’re a good kid, even if we never really did get along so well...

I’m sorry.

His body continued to twitch, his chest tight and his heart hammered desperately in his chest. Sirius’ eyes rolled into the back of his head and he continued to convulse with increasing ferocity. A pale foam stained his lips, his face drained of all colour as darkness reached up to consume him...

Jamie,

I’m guilty of so much, one of which was dragging you into my world...I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry for a lot of things I’ve done in my short and worthless life, but one thing I will never be sorry for is loving you. You’re so bright, like the sun and you gave me a happiness I never expected to feel, you made me realise who I really am and for that I’m forever in your debt...

I love you James Potter, remember to be happy. I’ll never stop loving you, no matter what happens...no matter what...

I’m so sorry...

I’m sorry...

Jamie...

Forgive me...

I can’t go on living like this, It’s the worst kind of torture...

Never forget me...

Don’t let me leave this place without knowing...

Do you love me?

Do you really?

Please...Jamie I...

...James Potter...The other half of me...

XXX

Regulus knocked on his brothers door, he frowned when he got no answer and tried to push it open. It wouldn’t move. A sudden, brutal panic flared in his chest that had no discernible source. He took his wand from his pocket and pointed it at the door, the spell blasted it open and he dived inside. He took a single look at the bottles scattered around the floor and felt dread sink into his gut, his eyes moved to the bed where he saw Sirius lying tangled in the covers, his face was whiter than snow, his lips had a blue tinge to them and he saw that his chest wasn’t moving. “Sirius!” He shouted and leapt onto the bed, he lifted his brother and shook him. “Sirius!” He said again, tears fell from his eyes as Sirius didn’t respond. “No...nonono...” He gasped and his eyes moved to a smashed bottle on the carpet. He picked a shard up that had half a soaked label; ‘Death ca-’ Regulus dropped it and moaned before turning and fleeing the room. His feet took him downstairs and he ran into the kitchen. He threw himself to his knees and began searching the medicine cabinet. Terror made his hands shake as he pulled out bottle after bottle, those he didn’t want fell to the floor and rolled beneath the chairs. Finally with a gasp of elation he found the antidote, he held it carefully, clutching it to his chest as he fled back up the stairs and into his brothers room. “Sirius...Sirius, I’m here...don’t die. Please, please don’t die.” He muttered as he removed the cork, his hands shook so badly he had difficulty in getting the bottle open. He took a swig and held it in his mouth before leaning down and pressing his lips to his brothers, the potion slipped into Sirius’ mouth through his open lips. Regulus pulled away and gazed down at him with wide, fear filled eyes. He sat on Sirius’ legs, but couldn’t move. Time seemed to stretch out cruelly and Regulus couldn’t control the shuddering sobs escaping him. It seemed an eternity until Sirius’ body convulsed beneath him, Regulus gasped as Sirius’ eyes flew open and he let out a choking noise, his fingers tightened on the bed sheets and finally he slumped back and his eyes fell closed again. Regulus pressed his forehead to his brothers chest and began crying in earnest as he felt the regular heartbeat beneath his ribs. “Thank Merlin...Thank you...thank you...” He breathed and gripped his brothers cold body close.

XXX

Sirius drifted through a heavy fog, his limbs felt weightless and he was no longer in any pain. He simply floated through nothing, enjoying the profound sense of peace until he felt something grabbing him, he was shaken violently and he let out a silent scream. He struggled against those invisible hands, desperate to escape back into the fog but they were like iron and he was pulled and yanked into a world of aches and pains...

Sirius groaned softly and slowly opened his eyes, he found himself surrounded by warmth and a familiar scent. He smiled weakly and snuggled deeper into that embrace, he let his eyes fall closed again until his stomach cramped painfully. He forced away the urge to puke and re-opened his eyes to find himself gazing into Regulus’ face. He was fast asleep and breathing softly but his arms had Sirius in a death grip, Sirius watched his brother sleep the sleep of the emotionally exhausted as the sun began rise and push a finger of golden light into the room. He lifted his hand and gently touched his brothers cheek, his fingers tingled as feeling returned to his nerves. He sighed and lowered his head to press his forehead against Regulus’ chest, his hands gripped his shirt tightly. “You should have let me die.” He breathed and felt his chest hitch. “You should have let me go.”

“I couldn’t.”

Sirius looked up through his fringe and met his brothers gaze. “I wanted to...I need to...”

“Why?” Regulus replied, his face full of confusion as he drew his brother closer. “Why did you do it?!”

Sirius gazed blankly across the room. “Because I despise living.”

XXX

The letter lay crumpled by his bed, James lay on his side and watched a photograph of himself and Sirius play fighting in the school grounds. Tears fell down his cheeks unchecked. The meaning of those words were as clear as crystal. He couldn’t even bring himself to move, it was too much effort. He had received several letters from Remus and Peter, but they lay unopened on his desk. He hugged his knees close to his chest and closed his eyes, he sobbed helplessly into his jeans and ignored the gentle rap on his door.

“James?”

His mother’s voice drifted through the heavy wood but he rolled away from it, in no mood to talk to anyone.

“James Potter!”

He frowned angrily. “Go away!” He shouted, his voice cracking. “Leave me alone!”

“Don’t speak to me like that young man. You have a friend here who wants to see you, that lovely Remus Lupin.”

James sat up and wiped his eyes underneath his glasses, he sniffed a few times before standing and opening the door a crack. His mother stood outside wearing robes of a soft lilac colour, her smile fell when she saw her sons reddened eyes and the bags beneath them. “Oh! James, what on earth is the matter?” She pushed the door open and swept him into a tight embrace.

James bit his bottom lip, allowing his mother to hug him. Over his shoulder he saw Remus watching with a sad, glassy eyed expression. He pushed her away and turned his back.

“M-Mrs. Potter...” Remus began softly, he played absently with a thread on his old jumper. “...We think that Sirius...that he’s...I...” He closed his eyes and lowered his head before taking out a peice of crumpled, stained parchment. Dorea took it from his hands and read the contents. James took a shuddery breath.

“He would do it.” He breathed. “He’s going to...I know he is...I-I can feel it...” He clenched his hands into fists and squeezed his eyes shut. “We can’t help him!” He sobbed and felt warm arms around him, he knew it was Remus by the scent of him. “He’s...”

“This proves nothing.” Dorea said with an uncharacteristic hardness in her voice. James turned and looked at her as Remus released him. “You two boys contact him, you must talk or else you will lose him.” Her eyes softened and she knelt before her son gently wiping away his tears, she smiled. “He has good friends, he just needs to be reminded.”

XXX

Sirius lay on his bed, he still felt weak but knew he was recovering from the attempt to take his own life. His brother lay at his side, his closeness was some comfort but he was craving something more. He needed to feel James’ arms around him, he needed the comfort that he was wanted. He sighed and covered his face with both hands. They heard the door opening from downstairs and a voice calling through the house.

“Regulus! Sirius! Where are you?”

Regulus sat up and moved away, Sirius grabbed him around the waist and pressed his forehead against his back. “Don’t tell them.” He breathed. “Please.”

“I can’t promise...”

“Please, Reg...I-I’ll do anything, just don’t tell them!”

Regulus said nothing as he disengaged from his brother and slid off the bed, he looked back once and saw Sirius’ pale face, the blue-ish bruising around one eye and the fact that his bones were just a little too prominent. He sighed before walking out the door. Sirius plucked at his sleeve absently as he gazed at the shards of glass on his floor, slowly he knelt and began picking them up. He kept his mind blank, he didn’t want to think and the monotony of cleaning up Muggle-style was perfect for keeping dark thoughts at bay. He dumped the glass into his waste paper basket before collecting the empty bottles of alcohol and stacking them neatly on his desk, they would find the missing bottles anyway, it was pointless hiding it. He looked down at his hands and saw blood on them from a cut on his finger, he absently put it in his mouth and sucked before returning to his bed and sitting down with his arms wrapped around his knees. He began counting down from a hundred.

He reached fifty when the door was slammed open. He continued to stare at the wall as rough hands grabbed him and yanked his hair. He didn’t wince. He didn’t cry out. He sat there with a blank face as his mother began screaming again. She slapped him across the face but he barely winced, he could hardly feel it even as he heard his father begin shouting. It was all just random background noise and it didn’t matter. He stared at a picture of James as a hand descended and yanked his head back by the hair, he found himself being forced to look into Orion’s eyes.

“What have you been trying to do?!” He growled.

Sirius stared at him, lips parted slightly. Suddenly the rage on his father’s face was almost comic. He let out a hysterical giggle and was throw off the bed, he fell to the floor and a loud, insane burst of laughter burst from his lips. He laughed so hard tears appeared in his eyes, even the boot connecting with his ribs only made him laugh harder.

“You dare steal from us?! You useless filthy traitor! You steal from your own family! Did you think we wouldn’t notice? LOOK AT ME!”

Sirius lifted his head and looked up at his father through his tangled hair, tears poured down his face and he gave them a deranged smile. “I hate you.” He hissed with vicious venom. “I hate you all!”

Orion roared as he kicked Sirius in the face, he jerked backwards, blood spattering the carpet; crimson on green and black. He laughed again, with difficulty as his jaw was broken. His laughter sounded mad even in his own ears as his hands clutched at thin air, slowly he began to sob. “WHY DIDN’T YOU LET ME DIE?!” He screamed furiously as felt agony race up his spine, his father continued kicking him.

Orion finally eased up and stood back to look down at his son, Sirius lay in a ball, his breathing wheezing from his throat as blood dribbled down his chin. He saw Regulus standing by the door and looking horrified, he spat out the blood and glared his at him. “I fucking hate you.” He rasped.

Regulus swallowed and turned away, hair falling across his face to hide it. As he walked away on shaking legs he whispered; “I’m sorry...”

XXX

The owl came late at night, Sirius had difficulty getting out of bed. He had never felt so weak before as he dragged himself across his room, he hugged his broken wrist to his chest as he wheezed out breaths. Slowly he opened the window and the familiar owl hopped inside, it flew to his bed and dropped a letter. It hooted at him softly as he sat beside it and tore open the letter.

I’m coming to get you. Wait where you are. Don’t move!

James.

Sirius felt a sick, swooping sensation in his gut. He gasped and grabbed a quill, with difficulty he wrote back. His own blood splashed the parchment but he ignored it as he tried to write coherently with his left hand.

No...don’t come get me. Please. I’m fine. Please James. Please, I’m begging you not to come! Stay at home, stay with your family where you’re safe. STAY AWAY FROM ME!

He sent the note off with James’ owl and watched it fly away, he shuddered and crumpled to the floor as agony swept through him. His vision wavered and he saw everything through a bloody haze before letting go and darkness consumed him.
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Amore et Amicitia