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Practicing Liars	By : Lomonaaeren Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Draco Views: 63257 -:- Recommendations : 2 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter and I am not making any money from this story.

Chapter List
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Thank you again for all the reviews!

Chapter
Twenty-Eight�Self-Control

�� Draco was
waiting for the moment when Harry woke up. Madam Pomfrey
had tried to get him to leave last night, hinting more or less gently that
Harry needed his rest, but Draco had refused to give up his place.

�� Professor
Snape had told him what had happened, in a guarded tone, but with enough
information that Draco knew Harry had almost died. Again. Because he cared so little
about his own life that he tried to keep secrets he shouldn�t keep and thought
he should bear them in heroic silence. Again.

�� Draco
didn�t plan to stand for that this time. He was going to show Harry that he had
a place in Harry�s life, and not one from which he could be shoved aside any
bloody time that Harry decided he could be.

�� Harry�s
eyes fluttered and he groaned, brow wrinkling as if he was surprised to find
himself in a hospital bed and comfortable instead of lying in leaves or mud
somewhere, inches away from death. He raised one hand and brushed at his hair,
and then the space above that.

�� Draco
didn�t know what he thought he would find that way, and he didn�t care. He
caught Harry�s wrist in a crushing grip instead. Harry gasped and glared at
him. The glare wasn�t impressive, given the sleep that still clung around his
eyes and his general dazed expression. Draco looked forwards to telling him
that, once Harry was awake enough to listen and absorb the sense of his words.
Right now, Draco had other plans to use this soft confusion that followed
waking.

�� Leaning
close, Draco whispered, �I don�t think you heard most of what I said to you
last night. Did you?�

�� Harry shook
his head and then cleared his throat. He was about to make some announcement,
Draco deduced. Perhaps a demand that Draco let go of his hand. Perhaps a complaint. Perhaps even an apology.

�� But it
could bloody well wait, and Draco
squeezed Harry�s wrist again to make him shut up, glad that Madam Pomfrey was busy helping his mother with exercises meant to
restore the sensitivity to nerves deadened by Cruciatus and couldn�t notice his
�assault� on her patient. Harry gasped in pain, and Draco leaped into the gap.

�� No, I knew
you didn�t. What I said, Harry, was that I�m tired of
being shoved aside and ignored. You saved my life, and after that you tried to
treat me like a puppy that needed to be left inside for its own good. Oh, sure,
you�ve included me in the Horcrux hunt. But you
haven�t talked to me at all about the
progress that you and Professor Snape are making in trying to get that piece of
soul out of you. And you didn�t talk to me about this disease you suffered
from, and even when you seem about to explode from fear or frustration, you
don�t talk to me about that. I�m not going to stand for that anymore.�

�� Harry shook
his head. �I never meant to hurt you, Draco. I wasn�t letting anyone in, not
even Ron or Hermione, so why should I let you in?�

�� Draco
leaned nearer. He had been content to wait on this head for some time since his
first realization, but he thought now that he should have pressed the matter
earlier. �Because I have a special claim.�

�� Harry
frowned at him. �Are you going to tell me that we�re related, too?�

�� Only in
the same way that most pure-bloods are related, through intermarriages between
the Malfoys and the Blacks and the Potters generations back,� Draco said
automatically. Then he drove notions of family blood from his mind. Harry had a
way of dragging Draco into his preoccupations and making Draco think about them
even when he shouldn�t. He was going to keep on topic this time. �No. Listen.
Why did you keep coming and talking to me and my mother in the hospital wing?
Why did you try to protect me from the other Slytherins? Why did you leap the
tables in the Great Hall the way you did when the Dark Lord sent me my father�s
head?� His voice still caught on the words, and he looked down, ashamed.

�� Harry
seized his hand, and Draco looked up to find him looking at him with an
indescribably tender expression. Perhaps
he doesn�t know he�s doing that, Draco thought. It would explain some things. �You don�t need to worry about your
reaction,� Harry whispered. �Who else in this school has suffered what you
have? Who else has risked so much and lost so much?�

�� Draco
fought the temptation to simply sink into Harry�s comforting grasp and remain
there. That was part of what had caused the problem in the first place: Harry
was too good at reflecting concern back on the people giving it and pretending
that their problems were much bigger than his. �You,� he whispered.

�� Harry�s smile
froze. �What?�

�� You�ve
suffered the way I have,� Draco said. �You�ve lost your parents because the
Dark Lord murdered them. You�ve risked your life over and over for a wizarding
world that seems to forget that until the next time they need you to save them,
when they scream for help.� He reached up and traced his fingers along Harry�s
cheek. It felt strange and new. He hadn�t touched Harry as intimately or as
much as Harry had touched him. �I�m not going to let you ignore that, either.�

�� Harry shifted
uneasily in the bed. �I don�t know what we�re really talking about here, Draco.
I didn�t want to leave you behind. I
won�t do it anymore.� He tried for a smile that seemed less than convincing,
though Draco didn�t know if it really was or if it was his own doubts that made
it seem so. �I wanted to apologize, in fact. Something Snape said last night
really resonated. I�ll try to include you in more of my decisions from now on,
and to tell you if I have problems.�

�� Draco
narrowed his eyes at him. �I seem to recall you making promises like that
before.�

�� But this
is different, because I mean it, this time.� Harry ducked his head at the
expression on Draco�s face, and sighed. �I know,� he told the bed. �But before,
I was more angry at you and Snape for forcing the
secret out of me than anything else. I didn�t intend to keep the promises I
made. This time is different, because, I actually know what it could cost me. I was resigned to dying before. This
time, I don�t want to.�

�� Draco shut
his eyes tight and breathed carefully. One thing he had already learned about
Harry was that it wasn�t a good idea to believe him unconditionally.

�� So am I stupid for thinking that his voice
is more sincere now? How would you measure that, anyway?

�� I want to
live,� Harry whispered. His hand squeezed Draco�s again. �And I want to live
with you, and with my friends, and even with Snape�sort of. I�m still not going
to run up and embrace him and call him Dad,� he added in a harsher tone, as if
he thought Draco would try to convince him to.

�� Draco
opened his eyes and nodded. �All right,� he said. �I accept your apology. I
believe you. But I will hunt you down
and bind you to the bed if you show any sign of trying to run off without me or
break your promise.�

�� Harry
smiled at him. �Thank you.�

�� And now,�
Draco said, �I asked you to consider what it meant that you were risking so
much for me, more than you did for your other friends.�

�� Harry
stared at him, the smile gradually sliding off his face. �Because you needed my
help more,� he said. He thought a minute, then added,
�And because I was angry at Ron and Hermione when I wasn�t angry at you. That�s
not very noble, but it�s part of it.�

�� Draco
sighed. He didn�t know if Harry wasn�t thinking about this because he�d had no time to concentrate on romance or if he
was really that dim. But it was clear he needed some help.

�� On the
other hand, he would never forgive Draco if he forced Harry into the
realization the way he had forced him to reveal his secrets. Harry simply
didn�t respond well to force, and that was why Draco had let him know that he
would use it only if he had to, not
as a first option.

�� Draco
reached up and traced his fingers around the curve of Harry�s forehead, across
his scar�with a special, lingering stroke there�and then around the lines of
his eyes and nose. Harry took a sharp breath, and then didn�t seem to breathe
at all. Draco sat back with a smile at the end of the tracing and found that
Harry�s eyes were shut.

�� Think
about what you feel when I touch you like that,� Draco
whispered into Harry�s ear. Harry shivered, and Draco shivered in response, in
delight. �Think about it very carefully.�

�� Harry
opened his eyes and stared at him in bewilderment. Draco smiled, touched his
shoulder, and then turned and left the hospital wing. Madam Pomfrey
was bustling over with an expression that said he wasn�t long for his visiting
chair in any case.

�� Let Harry meditate on that until he finds an
answer that satisfies him. And I bet that he won�t be able to, and he�ll have
to come to me and talk about it.

�� And I will be more than happy to answer his
questions.

*

�� Harry smiled
and shook hands with Ron. �Forgiven, then? Best mates again?�

�� Yes,� Ron
said, growling as he leaned closer. �As long as you don�t, oh, almost die again instead of telling us
about it. We would have helped you, mate. Whatever it is, I think we could have
figured it out.� Behind him, Hermione gave him a firm nod and then a watery
smile.

�� Harry hoped
that his expression stayed sincere and transparent, or at least as transparent
as he was going to allow it to get. He was thinking about the difference
between Ron�s growl and Draco�s, and thinking about the fact that Draco knew
this was a bloodline curse, because he knew the truth of Harry�s parentage,
while Ron and Hermione still had no idea and Harry had had to fob them off with
a weak story about a curse that Voldemort must have figured out how to send
from a distance.

�� That�s different, though. Draco overheard
what Snape said to you about being your father by accident. It�s not as though
you made the choice to tell him.

�� But you didn�t make a choice to use a Memory
Charm on him, either, the way you did with Madam Pomfrey.

�� Harry
swallowed and attemped to listen to Hermione�s
chattering about how she had seen similar welts with some magical conditions,
and she could research them, she remembered right where the books were, maybe
Madam Pomfrey could even use her help! But his mind
was wandering back, obsessively, to the topic it had
never managed to leave alone for long since Draco had touched him in the
hospital wing yesterday. Exactly why had he treated Draco so differently from
his friends when he had known them longer and had more reason to trust them? And
why had he gone on with that
different treatment even when Draco�s immediate danger had passed and he didn�t
need Harry�s help more than everyone else?

�� And the way
his skin had quivered and his breath had become short beneath Draco�s fingers,
as though he had some guilty secret to hide.

�� Well. More guilty secrets
to hide than usual, anyway.

�� There was
one explanation that kept shoving itself into his mind, but it made no sense. After all, he�d had a crush on Cho last year. He knew what a crush felt like. And he knew
that he had them on girls, not on boys.

�� Well. At
least he�d had them on girls so far.

�� But he put
the notion aside for right now, because it would need a lot more thinking about
before he decided what he should do, and Ron was speaking again. �Does Madam Pomfrey think she can cure this?�

�� She�s done
a good job so far,� Harry said, and put on a brave smile. �And she thinks that
she can find out what�s causing it soon, and so solve the problem at the root.�
She already knows what�s going on, he
thought as guilt danced through his stomach and Hermione smiled at him. But I can�t tell you, because I still don�t
know how you�ll take it that Snape�s my father.

�� And then he
had something to think about again, because that was the first time he had ever
thought of Snape being his father in the real
way, without adding something like �just because he slept with my mum� even
in his thoughts.

�� James is still my real dad. He was the one
who loved me and died for me.

�� Harry
relaxed. He had never been more sure that that was
true, and it made him feel better. Just giving Snape a chance hadn�t deprived
James of the position that he should always have.

�� Who knows? Maybe we�ll never be father and
son. We hated each other for too long, I think.

�� How is Snape going to react if he can�t have
the claim to me that he wants?

�� And then
Harry grinned, both because Hermione was talking about other things that the
bloodline curse could be and because he felt a rush of daring that he hadn�t
felt for too many months�a risk he could take that wasn�t going to get him in
immediate trouble or didn�t have to be taken to save someone else.

�� Let�s see, shall we?

*

�� Harry.�
Severus made certain that his voice was calm and polished. Yes, he could not
welcome the boy to his office without emotion�he could not see him walking
about, alive, without emotion�but he suspected that showing how deeply he felt
would make both of them uncomfortable. That was not a strategy he wanted to
pursue with Harry, not now and perhaps never again.

�� Unless he has been in trouble and will not
make a confession of his own free will.

�� Sir.� Harry hesitated, holding the door open behind him as
if he thought it would irritate Severus if he shut it. Severus made an
impatient little gesture, and Harry let it fall and strode forwards. Severus
studied him closely. He had an arrogant little tilt of his head that Severus
had once associated with James Potter and his hands in his robe pockets, but
the gleam in his eyes was nervous.

�� What does he play at? Severus leaned
forwards. �Did Madam Pomfrey say that you could leave
the hospital wing?�

�� Harry
blinked, then said, �Oh, yes, sir, hours ago.� The naturalness of his reaction
convinced Severus he was not lying, but left him uncertain of what prank Harry
might have decided to play.

Harry took a deep breath and stared
at the ground for a minute. Then he looked up and said, �I�m sorry.�

Severus acted swiftly to conceal
his own surprise�surprise would do more harm than good at the moment, he
thought, because it would be too unflattering�and arched his eyebrow. �For?�

�� For
endangering my life,� Harry said. �For keeping a secret that
endangered it. I�m not sorry for keeping secrets altogether,� he added,
and then stared at Severus defiantly.

�� That would
be like rain apologizing for being wet,� Severus said.

�� Harry
peered at him from the corner of one eye, as if he didn�t know if that was a
joke or a serious statement. Severus gave him no help in identifying it. It
paid to keep his son a bit off-balance, he had found.

�� In truth,
he was more impressed by the apology than he wished to demonstrate. He had
hoped for something like this, but not expected it, and certainly not so soon
after the incident that had prompted it. He had thought Harry would need more
time to think about it and come to terms with the fact that he had almost died,
as well as what that near-death meant.

�� Are you
going to accept the apology, sir?� Harry suddenly asked,
his voice smaller than it had been.

�� On the other hand, there may be such a thing
as too far off-balance. Severus inclined his head. �Yes,� he said. �As long
as you tell me what makes such a difference to you. You did seem willing to die
when we first spoke of the Horcrux in you. Have you
changed your mind?�

�� Yes.�
Harry ran a hand through his hair, which Severus was beginning to recognize as
a nervous habit rather than a desire to increase the messiness of his mane and,
with it, his resemblance to Severus�s tormentor. �I just�I don�t know why, but
I did. I don�t want to die, but the bloodline curse kept me from thinking about
that. I wanted to keep the secret even more, and it wouldn�t let me think that
keeping it would kill me.�

�� The
bloodline curse played its part,� Severus said. He felt an odd exaltation
welling through him, and paused to analyze it. It seemed to come from the boy�s
openly acknowledging their relation, which was such an odd thought that he
dissolved it into the brew of his thoughts immediately. �But I would like to
understand more of you than that. What makes you so reluctant to tell others
when you are in trouble? Why were you content to die at first? Though you were
in shock following the Headmaster�s announcement, you cannot blame the
bloodline curse.�

�� Fire rose
in Harry�s eyes, fire Severus had seen multiple times when he made a higher
mark than Lily had in Potions. �I don�t have
to tell you that.�

�� No.�
Severus spread his hands. �I could compel
you to��

�� Harry�s
breathing stopped.

�� But I no
longer wish to.� Severus leaned back in his chair and waited for the full impact
of that statement to strike Harry. He could not deny his power, since he had
already used Legilimency on Harry many times. He simply
wanted to emphasize, and thought it would make for a healthier relationship
between them if he did, that he was holding back, that he would no longer use
that superior strength to force Harry to do his bidding.

�� It seemed
to have worked. At least, Harry was giving him a long, slow look that Severus
had never seen before.

�� But maybe
I�ll never give you what you want,� Harry said at last, words so quiet Severus
had to hold his own breath to hear them. �Maybe I�ll never say that you�re my
father or relax when you�re around.�

�� That is
all right,� Severus said. �I will still not force you.�

�� Harry
stared at the floor. �But lots of people say that,� he said. �And then they
change their minds later and decide to make you do what they want.� He wrapped
his arms around himself and shivered.

�� Will you
tell me about times that happened?� Severus tried to match the boy�s voice in
softness and tone, so that it would keep him relaxed. At the moment, Harry
seemed to want to tell him the truth,
but old distrust could so easily overwhelm the new confidence existing between
them.

�� Harry
started to answer on what at first seemed a different tangent instead, but as
he listened, Severus began to see how it could connect back to what he had
already said.

�� I couldn�t
control so much,� Harry mumbled. �I didn�t know when I�d get to eat, or when
I�d get shoved away in the cupboard and locked up there for hours, or when
they�d laugh at me and call my parents and me names.� Severus held his peace on
the matter of �parents.� He was, he thought, at last learning to master his own
ego when it came to his son. �I�d try to fight back, and that made it worse. I
tried to be good and get them to love me, and that made it worse.�

�� He lifted
his head, and Severus was sure that, no matter how direct his eyes seemed, he
was no longer in the office, or the present moment.

�� So I
couldn�t control it,� Harry whispered. �What I could control was so much more important. I needed to be quiet. At
least I could keep secrets, even if I couldn�t control the way they didn�t feed
me. At least I had magic, when I came to Hogwarts, and I could figure out what
was going on with Ron and Hermione and stop Voldemort even when the professors
ignored us. We tried to tell them sometimes,� he added. �We tried to take
Lockhart with us second year, even, because we thought he could do something
against the basilisk. But it didn�t work. We had to go on alone in the end, and
then it happened again and again.�

�� He lifted
his head, his eyes defiant again, his arms no longer hugging himself but
crossed in a barrier to keep other people out.

�� You took
that control away from me,� he said. �My secrets were mine to control. What could be more private and important than my
magic, or my body, or the blood running through my veins? And you took it
away.� There was a flash of hatred, or something stronger, in his eyes now.

�� Severus
could not have spoken in that moment if someone had promised to free him from
his bondage to the Dark Lord. He understood what Harry was talking about, at
levels ten times deeper than Harry could have known existed in his soul.

�� The amount
of powerlessness and helplessness in one�s life, the desire for control where
one could have it, and the temptation to exercise that control even to the
detriment of others or oneself�yes, Severus knew that
well. He had turned to inventing spells and to mastering Potions because he could, because when he controlled them
he felt as if he were controlling himself. He had cast the Dark Arts spells in
his youth because they were powerful and forbidden and they would make other
people afraid of him, and if other people were afraid of him, they would think
twice before they tried to hurt him.

�� He had
asserted his strength in a humiliating situation the only way he could, by
insulting his rescuer, and that assertion had cost him Lily�s friendship.

�� His son had
grown up like him, even through all their separation in time and space and
condition and fame. Severus had wanted a link deeper than blood, because Harry
so obviously did not understand the importance that others placed on a blood
relationship, and now he had it.

�� He leaned
forwards until Harry shifted as if he would back away, and then said, in the
most sincere tone he could muster after a life of lies, �I understand.�

�� Harry
stared at him, his mouth parting, and Severus saw the way his eyes changed
before he bowed his head and hid them.

�� Silence
hovered between them for so long that Severus wondered if this would turn into
another moment of misunderstanding, or at least retreat, after all.

�� Then Harry
whispered, �Thank you.�

�� And the
world reoriented itself, and Severus�s heart began to beat again.��

*

�� Thrnbrooke: Here you are.

�� SP777: Yes,
this is the true turning point. It helps that both Draco and Snape managed to
react rationally this time instead of snapping out something that made Harry
retreat with hurt feelings.

�� k lave demo: Right on many counts, but Madam Pomfrey doesn�t necessarily need to understand what
bloodline the curse comes from to cure it, just what it does. Harry and Snape
will probably figure out a way to drop the necessary information on her head
soon.

�� I�m not
sure that Harry would think he missed a lot not growing up with Severus. Yes,
he would have had a parent, but, in many ways, a distant and preoccupied one.

�� Mia: Thanks
so much!

�� Alicia
Spinet: Thanks! Harry will not change his name. He does still value James as
his father, as you can see from this chapter.

�� The
revelation is getting closer.

�� DonnaNoir23:
Harry is approaching the idea from the back, as it were, and slowly getting
used to it in other ways, such as by not finding Snape objectionable to be
around.

�� MewMew2:
Thanks for reviewing.

�� messyhxdlovers: Thank you!

�� anciie: Yes. Finally, Harry has
made a turnaround.

�� The
relationships will advance, but slowly. I don�t want to keep repeating the same
cycle of distrust (that was why Chapter 27 had the title that it did).

�� And yes, I
think Harry would probably have suffered more heavily from the abuse. A lot of fics change it so that he was physically abused by
beatings, but that�s not necessary. Being deprived of food and trust and love
would be quite sufficient on their own.

�� polka dot: I think Draco�s comments are probably getting a
bit of help from his fantasies!

�� LeSang; Thank you! If it helps, I usually update every
three days.
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Practicing Liars