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Survivor's Guilt	By : SpeedyTomato Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Lucius Views: 34080 -:- Recommendations : 3 -:- Currently Reading : 4
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter nor do I make any money of this dark dance of Harry Potter fanfic.

Chapter List
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Chapter 28

Shifting in his chair and looking at Harry, Dr. Netherwood said, quietly, “You seem very happy, Harry. More than I've observed since we started talking. Even taking you off so many of the potions you were on hasn't caused a setback.”
“I am,” Harry admitted, grinning a little and leaning back against the sofa. “I'm in a much better place than I was. There are problems still, obviously, but it's going good on my end.”
“Is it just one thing causing it or contributing more or just—everything?” Roddy asked, pleased with this.
“It's just—all of it. I'm in a better place so the normal is coming back enough. The business is going good, something that does make me happy. Hell, we're fairly booked all the time even with school being in session. We have several teams from all over the UK that have signed a year contract with us and plan to keep going after that. That alone is making it a success. The game is a hit with almost everyone and we've actually had to hire more staff to come in to help at times, especially on the weekends. It's great. I think our next step is to hire a couple 'pros', ex-Quidditch players, to come in and work. It's beyond what I can handle anymore with some of it. That's good and makes it easier.” Chuckling, he said, “I was nervous at first that it would be a dismal failure. It’s actually worked out quite nicely. I like it.”
“You're still setting aside time for yourself, are you not? To get out and do something?” Roddy asked, making sure the quill was taking notes.
“Yes,” Harry told him with a firm nod. “We all still have our standing date to play each week. Now we actually have a few other teams that come in and join us. When we're done, we go out somewhere to have a bite to eat, a drink and have a good time. Dudley, Charlie, Lucius and I all pick one day a week where we go out together to just muck around too. And Lucius and I have one night to ourselves where we find something to do. I mean, we spend a lot of time together, no doubt there, but it's a night where we don't discuss work unless its new ideas for something we think will work. Normally, we find something else to do that isn't work related and have fun. I like that.”
“That's good,” Roddy nodded, smiling a little. “You're still dealing with some of what you were, aren't you? You've mentioned with the anniversary of the battle so close that you're having more issues than before. How are you handling that?”
Rubbing a hand over his face and sighing, Harry said, “I am. So much shite happened there and with what's going on, I can't avoid it, so it's bringing it up. Especially with that anniversary a week away. I'm dealing with it the best I can. I talk to Dudley about it here and there if I get too stressed. Lucius and I—we don't other than if it's really bad. I think he's have his own problems coping with it. The same with Draco. I don't want to dump mine on them, though they tell me if I need to talk to go ahead. I like doing that with Dudley better, honestly. He's got more of a neutral point of view on it as he wasn't around. And he just listens, what I need most times. Lucius, though he tries not to, attempts to fix it. And I think it brings up all kinds of shite that he doesn't need either. I don't want to put him in that position.”
“Dudley might be the best choice, I agree,” Roddy told him firmly. “With him, you have someone to talk to that gives you what you need there. I would suggest you continue on with that. However, I would like to remind you that if you do need to talk, just get in touch. That's part of what I do, Harry. It doesn't matter if it's after hours or on the weekend. I'll come over and we'll talk just like we are now. With the anniversary approaching, I expect there to be problems and want you to get in contact if you get too stressed or upset.”
“I'll keep that in mind,” Harry nodded. “I don't like being a bother, obviously, but I know by now if I keep bottling it up, it's going to end up right back the way it was. I don't want to go through that again or put anyone else through it either.”
“And that is a big step, Harry,” Roddy told him, pleased. “You recognize that it is an issue and plan to not repeat the mistakes of the past. Good. Keep it in mind as well. We don't want you to have a setback in this area.”
“I don't either or to put anyone else through that hell,” Harry agreed quietly. Shaking his head, he admitted, “It just gets rough here and there, then triggers flashbacks I could easily do without. I'm working with it the best I can, that's all I can say.”
“And it's all you can do,” Roddy soothed with a nod. “We have no way of stopping those and they will probably go on for the rest of your life when it comes to the more traumatic areas, you just need to cope and move on. You've found your way and its working. Keep doing that.” Seeing the man nod, he changed topics and asked, smiling just a little, “How's it going with Lucius? On the personal end I mean.”
Grinning again, Harry said, softly, “Great. I adore being with him. It's still a bit mind warping, that, but I do. We have a great time together and I love having him around. The relationship is going great too. I don't know—it might be because we want it to work and we have something in each other that understands so much in a way we couldn't with anyone else. Either way, it works.”
“Have you told him that?”
“Yeah, I have,” Harry said, looking at him. “He just smiles and admits it's the same on his end. I don't know—we're an odd couple, everyone would tell you that, especially with his age and the past, but it works. And I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. Let the idiots grouse if they don't like it.”
“That's a good stance to take,” Roddy told him with a firm nod. “Don't let them bother you, is the only advice I can give. You and Lucius know each other in a way most won't understand. They won't ever see parts of it and won't be able to understand because they can't.” Lowering his voice, he asked, “How is it going with your aunt and uncle? Are you both still going to their place once a week for a dinner to work on the issues from the past?”
“We are,” Harry told him with a nod. “Right now, it's set in stone that Lucius comes with me. I don't think I can face those two alone and deal with it. That might be the coward's way out there, but it's working as they aren't apt to start shite when he's there. We've hit a couple of times where Lucius and I have left because of topics. Lucius is firm in that we're not going to put up with that. It's actually working there. They are trying, I understand, and this time they mean it. I think when Dudley put his foot down about accepting so much, it slapped them a little. It's bled off into the area dealing with me. For now, I'm going to stick with this and see where it goes.”
“I think that's wise until you are sure you're ready to handle them on your own,” Roddy told him softly. “How are they handling Lucius' past? You said that was a sticking place at one point.”
“They're getting over it,” Harry shrugged. “They have to and know it. I'm not going to kick Lucius out because of a past I accepted long ago. They just have a hard time with the concept of forgiveness when it comes to some areas. We just pointed out that Dudley wasn't much better when I was growing up and I gave him another chance. People change and Lucius has. He made mistakes, admits that and has pressed on. They just don't know much about what happened during that time other than areas they couldn’t avoid.” Shaking his head, he said, “They will, it just takes time. They seem to like Lucius other than this part.” Stopping, he said, voice quiet, “And I rightfully don't give a damn if they can't. I'm not changing that part because they can't see that he's changed. I adore him and am not getting rid of someone that makes me so happy just to please them.”
“Have you told them that?” Roddy asked, pleased.
“Damned right I have,” Harry said firmly, crossing his arms over his chest. “Straight up and bluntly as well. They accept it or they don't. It's the same with others that bitch about him. If they don't like it, it's their problem, not mine.”
“Good,” Roddy said with a firm nod. Looking over some notes he had, he said, quietly, “I want to talk about what you brought up during our last session, what you have planned for the anniversary.” Seeing his client nod, he asked, “Are you sure about this, Harry? It can cause all manner of issues for you, both personally and publicly.”
“I know,” Harry told him bluntly. “I'm not a fool enough to think that anything's changed with so much when it comes to me and people thinking I'm off my nut. And I'm well aware that a backlash can come from it. I'm ready for that. There's also the fact that it's going to cause problems for me, personally, to talk about it. I want to do it though.”
“Why?” Roddy asked, paying close attention as he wanted to hear the reasoning.
Looking down, leaning forward and clasping his hands between his legs, Harry said, quietly, “Look, everyone's tried to keep me out of what they're pushing for. They mention it once in a while and will explain when I ask directly, but they've kept me out of it. I get the reasons for that and appreciate it, especially when I was going through the worst of what was there. Now, though, I want to help. Better than anyone, I understand why this needs done and the cost of not doing anything. And I know if I say something it can only help. After all, it's one thing to have experts and families talk about how bad it is, but it's a whole other thing to have someone that went through it say something. From what I've heard and read in the papers, it's going to be a damned close vote. Closer than anything they've managed in the past. And it needs to get passed. I know that better than anyone. So much of the hell I went through, and others did over it, could have been stopped if this was in place. I might be able to swing that in favor of getting it passed.” Looking at the man, he said, “If there's one person any of the fools can't argue is weak or it was a personality problem, it's me. After all, they've set this all up to make me the big hero and someone they can point at to look up to. They can't backtrack in the middle and change that when it's been all over for a decade. It'll help, I know it.”
“They may try that,” Roddy told him honestly. “They may also dredge up all kinds of issues from the past to throw at you as a way to discredit. That has to be considered, Harry.”
“Don't care,” Harry told him with a firm shake of his head. “I know how to deal with that shite now and they'll get nowhere with me. The only ones I'm concerned about are Lucius and Draco. Even then, with them being off parole, they can't do a damned thing. They may get the worst of the hell, though, as they're convenient.”
Thinking that over, Roddy nodded then asked, “Alright, you said you want to help. It is just your need to help everyone else, something we've discussed before, or are there other reasons?”
“I want to help,” Harry said bluntly. “I know how bad it is to deal with all this shite and if I can help, I want to. There's also the fact that so many on that list they compiled of people that have taken this step I knew. I don't think anyone realizes I've seen that list as they've made sure I didn't, but I managed. I knew so many of them and there was nothing 'weak' about most of those I knew. To label them as such rightly pisses me off. That shite needs to stop, now.” Lowering his voice, he added, “And I'm doing it for myself.” Shaking his head, he said, tone slightly weary, “I'm tired of hiding the fact that I have problems from everyone and those that do know thinking I need treated with kid gloves over it. For a time, that was for the best as I dealt with the worst of it. The worst is over and I'm better. I'm still the same damned person I always was. That hasn't changed a bit. To do this will point that out. And it's going to prove to myself that I'm not the weak idiot that I sometimes think I am. If I can face Voldemort, I sure as hell can face my own damned demons and come out on top as well.”
Taking that in, Roddy pondered it then nodded slowly. “I understand,” he said quietly. “If you do this, do you have something in place to help if you feel overwhelmed?”
“I do,” Harry said firmly with a nod. “Lucius has agreed to come with me. He's not comfortable with that, for obvious reasons, but he agreed, especially after he heard what I want to do. Draco and Astoria are coming. They don't know why though, but are for Lucius. Dudley's going to be there with Charlie.” Lifting his eyes, he looked at his Mind Healer and said, quietly, “And I know you're going to be there. You've been helping. I've seen the interviews in the paper though I've said nothing to anyone that I know. If it gets bad, I'll find you. I can do this. It needs done, frankly. For both a slap at that stupid way of thinking and for myself.”
“I will be,” Roddy told him with a nod. “Let's make a pact here; if you plan on going through with this, I want to see you the day before the ceremony and talk to you for a short time before you take the podium then again afterwards. That way we can both be assured you can handle it. Can you deal with that, Harry?”
Without even thinking it over, Harry nodded, “Works for me.” Grinning a little, he said, “I like it actually and it might help. I would feel better talking to you about it a little.”
“Good,” Roddy told him, pleased. “I don't want you to push this if you get into a state where you don't think you can. That won't help anything and may cause a set back.”
“I'm not going to,” Harry told him with a firm shake of his head. “If I can't, I won't. I want to though.”
“Good. Now, what is it you plan to say?” Roddy asked, leaning forward, paying close attention.
Slowly, Harry began to walk the man through what he had planned.

Long after dark, at the time they normally went to bed, Harry was straddling Lucius' lap while the man was seated on the bed, resting against the headboard. Kissing him passionately, arms wrapped around him, he groaned into the man's mouth. Oh, this was good! They hadn't had sex many times yet, but each time was wonderful. And he wanted to indulge as they had both been tired from work and various other things lately.
Breaking off the kiss, he gave his lover a heated look then grinned, “You're still a sexy beast.”
“And that sentiment is returned when it comes to you,” Lucius said, running his fingers through the younger man's hair, smirking a little as he did. Quietly, he asked, tone lustful, “What do you want, Harry?” As the two of them had the kind of relationship where there was no set anything, whoever 'bottomed' was the one in the mood for that, he wanted to know what Harry desired. Most times, Harry didn't care, honestly, and just wanted to indulge, letting him pick the activity. Other times Harry had something he wanted. He had a feeling this was one of those times.
“To ride you,” Harry told him, a lustful bent to his voice. Grinning a little, he joked, “Besides, that won't put so much strain on your old, decrepit heart.”
Snorting at the running joke, Lucius replied, “Anything sexual with you would put a strain on anyone's coronary system, no matter their age, Harry. You're rather energetic. However, I can cope. After all, sex is good exercise and wonderful for the cardiovascular system.”
Laughing, Harry shook his head, “Hey, that's a good way to think about it! I'll have to remind you of that in the future.” Leaning forward, he kissed Lucius again, letting his tongue slip into the man's mouth, pressing tightly against him. He could already feel the man's cock hard against him, something that made him moan softly and his own already hard flesh throb.
Holding Harry tightly with one hand, Lucius kissed him back, but grabbed his wand and vanished their clothes while he did. Summoning the lube, he managed to get it open then wet his fingers with it. Letting his hand slip down behind Harry as their mouths were locked, he teased his fingers around the puckered opening before easing one into his lover. Feeling, and hearing, Harry moan, the young man shivering from the sensations, he began to twist it around, thrusting it into him.
Pressing on Lucius' finger, gripping onto him tightly, Harry shook at the sensations. Oh, it was bloody wonderful! And he loved it. Devouring Lucius' mouth, he shook harder as the second finger entered him, scissoring and stretching him. Grinding down on them, he broke off the kiss and looked at the man. “So bloody good,” he moaned, head dropping back.
Relishing the look on Harry's face, Lucius thrust his fingers faster, twisting them around, before adding a third. All he wanted was for Harry to lower himself down on his cock and ride him so he could watch the erotic expression as his lover did. “I want to feel you on my cock,” he admitted, voice a sexy growl.
“I want to feel your cock in my arse,” Harry panted, looking at him as he thrust on the fingers in his arse. “Now,” he then panted out.
Nodding, Lucius slipped his fingers out of Harry's arse. Grabbing the lube, he dumped more in his palm then slathered it on his cock. Holding Harry close, he shifted them around to where Harry was positioned over his cock and waited, leaning up to kiss him once more as he did.
Reaching back as his lips were locked on Lucius', Harry grasped the man's cock, holding it where he wanted it then began to lower himself down on it. Groaning at the slight burn from the entrance, he shivered at the sensation of being filled. Oh, it was bloody amazing! Once he had all of it in his arse, he sat there for a minute to let himself adjust. Reaching up and wrapping his other arm around Lucius, he kissed him heatedly then began to move up and down. Feeling his skin prickle then his hair stand on end from the sensations, he moaned louder, tongue dancing with Lucius'.
Grasping Harry's hips, Lucius kissed him fervently, groaning himself at the sensations of Harry's tight arse around his cock. This was good! Unable to help himself, he began to thrust upwards slightly as Harry rode him.
Breaking off the kiss after a couple of minutes, Harry looked at Lucius then panted, “Touch me!” As he said that, he ground down on the cock in his arse and clenched around it, grinning a little at the moan that elicited from Lucius.
“Bloody hell,” Lucius panted out, giving Harry a heated look as the already tight arse clenched around his throbbing cock. Slipping a hand between their bodies, he grasped Harry's cock then began to stroke it, eyes locked on Harry's face as he did. Oh, the expression of erotic bliss there was amazing! Beginning to thrust up harder and faster, he panted, body now slick with sweat and a liquid heat running rampant through his veins.
Moaning as his cock was stroked, feeling like every nerve in his body was set on fire, Harry lifted up slightly and held still. “Fuck me,” he muttered unevenly.
Taking that for what it was, Lucius began to thrust upwards harder and faster, hand working on Harry's cock. Gritting his teeth, breath hissing between them, Lucius grunted as he fucked Harry, relishing in how good it felt. Eyes locked on Harry's face, he moaned at the look there. Bloody amazing, it was!
Reaching down and putting his hand on Lucius', Harry guided it to move faster. Clutching onto Lucius' shoulder with his other, he held still and relished in the erotic sensations. “Oh, fucking good,” he moaned, eyes sliding mostly shut.
Fucking Harry faster, Lucius panted out, “Going to cum, Harry.”
Moving their hands faster, Harry panted, looking at him as his whole body seemed to ignite with a tingling fire, “Yes!” Throwing his head back as the sensations became almost overwhelming, he let out a loud groan then came, splattering Lucius' chest with it, clamping down, hard, on the cock in his arse.
Throwing his head back, Lucius let out a loud moan as the arse seized around his cock and came, hips still thrusting, grinding up into Harry's arse. “So good,” he stammered out as he rode out the pleasurable feelings, still holding tightly to Harry.
Slumping forward when he finished, resting his head on Lucius' shoulder, panting heavily, Harry slipped an arm around the man's waist and held him close. “So fucking good,” he managed to stammer out.
Slipping both his arms around Harry, Lucius held him, resting his cheek against Harry's head. “I wholeheartedly concur,” he admitted, smirking.
Holding Lucius, feeling the wonderful sensations of being held back, Harry sighed contentedly. Oh, this was magnificent and he loved it.
Eyes shut, breathing starting to return to normal, Lucius held Harry, not wanting to let go. It was hard, at times, not to think of Narcissa and all they had shared during moments like this, but this time he was able to. Harry made him feel wonderful in so many ways, just like his wife had, and he adored it. Kissing Harry on the head, he said, “You wore me out, as usual.”
Grinning a little, Harry kissed him on the shoulder. “That's a good thing. Means I don't have to worry about you having too much energy and chasing after other younger men,” Harry joked.
“I don't think that's a problem, Harry,” Lucius said with a smirk. “They couldn't compete with you,” he admitted softly.
“Good 'cause they'd have a fight on their hands getting you away from me,” Harry jested back. Sighing, he then said, “You're always bloody amazing, Lucius.”
“That sentiment is returned,” Lucius admitted, holding him close and sliding down to where they were both lying on the bed. Shutting his eyes again, he gave a contented sigh and just held his lover. This was good and he adored it.
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Survivor's Guilt