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Amore et Amicitia	By : Kimmimaru Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Sirius/James Views: 6685 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any characters or settings by JK Rowling. I make no profit from this story.

Chapter List
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AN: More emo-ness but with a little tenderness in there as well. :) Finally our boys reach their fifth year! (You cannot know how long I have awaited this moment! Lol) Lots of action to pack into this year, I hope you enjoy.

Chapter Twenty-Eight: In oculis vestris ... (In your eyes...)

Platform nine and three quarters was chaotic as usual. Sirius stood by the train and slowly off loaded his things off the trolley. He had difficulty working around his broken wrist, it hadn’t had time to heal before his mother had dumped his new books on him along with freshly washed robes and other things and packed him off to station. He winced and gasped as his books fell from his weakened wrist and scattered across the floor, he heard laughter and turned to see a group of Slytherin’s standing above him. He turned back to his things and began shoving them roughly into his suitcase before forcing it shut and trying to drag it onto the train.

His cousins laughter grated on his nerves as he managed to get onto the train and pull his trunk down the aisle to find a compartment, they followed him muttering and whispering behind his back. When he finally found one with only a single occupant he pulled open the door and entered. “Can I sit here?” He asked, hardly registering who was sat in the seat.

“Yes of cou-...” Lily’s eyes widened and she put down her book. “Black!” She exclaimed as she noted how battered he was.

Sirius watched her from beneath thick lashes. “Ignore it.” He said darkly. “I’m fine before you start asking and I don’t want your pity.”

“Sitting with your new Mudblood friend, Black?”

Sirius closed his eyes, his teeth clenched tightly.

“I’d be careful who you’re calling a Mudblood, Rosier.” That cold, measured voice made Sirius open his eyes and turn to see Severus Snape standing in the door way.

“Just because you think she’s attractive doesn’t mean she’s not...”

Snape glared at him, his black eyes narrowed until the boy backed down, Sirius was unwillingly impressed. He picked up his trunk again. “Looks like this compartments full.” He said slowly before moving back towards the door.

“Black, what happened to you? You look like you were hit by the Hogwarts Express.” Snape asked in a voice laced with potential venom.

“Watch what you say, Snivellus or I’ll give you a few injuries to match mine. Understand?” Sirius hissed, his hand gripping his wand. They felt the train begin to move beneath them as the two boys squared off.

“Oh for crying out loud you two!” Lily snapped furiously. “You’re acting like spoilt children! Black, if you need somewhere to sit, you can sit here.”

Sirius turned to look at her over his shoulder. The light shone on his hair and his eyes glittered, he smiled a little. “No, I’d rather sit in the corridor than in here...I suspect it could get rather...slimy.” He sneered at Snape and walked out, pulling his trunk behind him. Before Snape slammed the compartment door shut he heard Lily sigh in exasperation.

After much walking he found an empty compartment and sat down with a tired sigh, he fell onto his side and pulled his aching wrist to his chest and closed his eyes. He wanted to do nothing more than fall into a deep sleep, he wanted to forget. He didn’t want to hear his mother telling him how disgusting he was, or his father shouts of bloodtraitor. He was tired. Exhausted beyond anything he had experienced before so he allowed the train to lull him to sleep.

Remus found him lying curled up in an awkward position on the seat, he pulled his trunk into the compartment and put it in the rack trying to make as little noise as possible. Slowly he sat by Sirius’ side and pulled his head into his lap, gently he smoothed hair from his contorted face and sighed when he saw dark bruising on his cheek, his eye and as he pulled back the sleeve of his long t-shirt he could see hand marks and scratches. “Why didn’t you leave?” He breathed and leaned back against the seat, he looked up at the ceiling and felt the familiar weight of helplessness crushing him. He had stayed with James for a week after they had received the letters, James had wanted to go rescue Sirius from his home but his mother had made him swear he wouldn’t. She explained to him that he would be in danger as well if he did, she didn’t want him hurt as well. James reluctantly accepted this and spent the rest of the week gazing out of windows, even after receiving Sirius’ dire warning about not coming to his house. Remus concentrated on the fact that Sirius was alive, he had to continuously check the letter and see that familiar handwriting to ensure he wasn’t simply dreaming.

Remus sighed and closed his eyes as Sirius slept in his lap, occasionally he would moan and mutter, he almost rolled off the seat until Remus had held him still. He continued his gentle stroking of his hair until Sirius calmed and his breathing evened out.

As they neared Hogwarts the compartment door opened and James stood there, he looked a little worse for wear, his eyes surrounded by dark circles from lack of sleep and his eyes bloodshot behind his golden rimmed glasses. He didn’t greet Remus, instead falling to his knees beside Sirius and kissing his forehead. “You fucking git!” James breathed and gripped Sirius’ hand in his own. “You scared the shit out of me and Remus...out of everyone...Shit...”

Sirius stirred but didn’t wake up as James straightened and looked at Remus, his eyes flicked down to the badge he had pinned to his chest and he managed a weak smile. Remus grinned in response. “Yes, I’m a prefect.” He said.

James raised an eyebrow. “Well, Mr. Prefect Moony, looks like we’ll have to behave ourselves this year.” He smirked. “Or we could do worse and get you into trouble.”

Remus glared at him. “Don’t you dare!” he muttered.

James laughed softly. “Wouldn’t dream of it, Moony.” He winked and poked his tongue out.

“If you do that Gnomes will eat your tongue.” Remus said primly, he glanced down at the boy in his lap and sighed softly. James watched them for a while before closing his eyes and pushing hands into his hair. “He’s alive, James. That’s all that matters.”

James nodded but said nothing as the train whizzed through the darkening countryside.

XXX

The train came to a halt, jolting the occupants and Sirius tumbled off the seat. Remus couldn’t catch him in time and he fell to the floor with a loud crash and a scream. James was on the floor in seconds, he grabbed Sirius tightly and held him close. Remus watched feeling a helpless despair fill him as Sirius shook violently, struggling in James’ arms.

James buried his face in Sirius’ hair and began whispering. “Sirius, it’s me. It’s ok. You’re safe now...I’m here with you and nothing can hurt you. I promise, Sirius.” He kept up a stream of calming whispers until Sirius stopped struggling and went limp, slowly he opened his eyes and took a deep breath.

“Jamie.” He breathed and wrapped his arms around him almost tight enough to cut off James’ air supply. “James...”

“It’s me.” James replied with a smile full of gentleness. “You’re home now.”

Sirius pulled away and looked into James’ eyes. “I almost did it, you know.” He said. “I took the poison and it took me away from my pain but then...then Reg brought me back.” His mouth twisted in bitterness. “He brought me back and my parents...” He trailed off before turning to the window. “We’re here...we’re at school...” He stood and pulled his trunk down before opening it and yanking out his robes which he dropped over his head. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath before turning to his friends and smiling. “Well, what does any of that matter now? I’m home again.”

James and Remus looked at each other. The sudden change in Sirius’ demeanour was disconcerting but they followed him off the train. “Sirius, are you sure you’re ok?” Remus asked in concern.

Sirius shrugged. “I am. I’m just glad to be here.” He smiled and revealed white teeth, although during one of his father’s beatings he had lost one he had grown it back again easily enough. “I can forget about the summer now.”

“But you should talk about it, what if it happens again next summer?” James insisted as they climbed into a horseless carriage.

Sirius lounged comfortably in his seat but his expression darkened. “Then I’ll deal with it when it happens.”

James bit his lip. “You should come to mine next summer, Sirius.” He said softly. “You should stay with me until you turn seventeen and then...”

“No.” Sirius cut him off with a sharp gesture. “If I do I’ll drag you into this, it’s my battle.” He turned to the window and watched the scenery pass.

“They could kill you next time or you could really kill yourself...I’m worried.” Remus said softly.

Sirius hissed air through his teeth. “Stop worrying. I’m fine. And they won’t kill me, because without me they’ll only have Regulus to continue the family...”

“You don’t have to face this stuff alone.” James replied.

“Of course I do!” Sirius snapped furiously, he shifted in his seat and winced as he aggravated his wrist, it had a bandage on it but it throbbed painfully still.

“We’re your friends, we want to help.”

“You’ve done more than enough...just by being my friends is enough. I love you, all of you, and that is important. This stuff at home...I’ll deal with it. I have dealt with it for fifteen years, I’m sure I can continue.”

“Oh yes, of course you can! You only tried to top yourself.” James muttered sarcastically.

Sirius looked at him and narrowed his eyes. “I have my reasons.” He said quietly and looked down at his hands.

James felt a lick of fury and he glared at Sirius. “What, your Uncle decide not to fuck you anymore?” He snapped, the words slipping out before he could stop them. He clamped his hand over his mouth and his eyes widened.

Sirius went very still as the carriage pulled up to the school, he didn’t move for a full minute before suddenly pushing open the door and jumping out. “Fuck you.” He hissed and he was gone into the night. James sat there, gazing blindly at the open door and breathing hard.

“What the hell was that about?!” Remus asked in shock. “Why would he take an insult like that so personally? You’re always doing this, why...” He stopped talking as the look on James’ face made his stomach evaporate. “James...” Remus swallowed slowly. “Are you telling me that he...that Sirius and his uncle...that they were...?”

James lowered his head and pushed hands into his hair. “His Uncle Alphard, you know the one he’s always talking about? He...he’s been using him...he’s had sex with Sirius. But Siri...he thinks...he thinks its ok. He’s convinced that there’s nothing wrong with it because its just a sign of affection...shit...Moony, I reckon I’ve just driven him away for good.”

XXX

After the welcoming feast James and Remus entered their dorm, they spotted Sirius lying on his bed and staring up at the canopy. Remus shot James a glare and pushed him forward. “Apologise.” He hissed and walked over to his own bed, he began rummaging in his trunk and pulled out his pyjama’s. Sirius spotted James and rolled over onto his side, he stared at the wall even as James sat on the bed by his side. “Sirius?” He began, reaching for his shoulder.

The door opened to reveal Peter who was puffing as he walked to his bed and flopped down onto it. “Well...” He gasped and pushed hair from his eyes in a poor imitation of Sirius. “I certainly didn’t miss those stairs during the holidays!” He exclaimed. He seemed oblivious to the tension in the room. He smiled over at James. “Did you have a good holiday?”

Remus saw Sirius’ shoulders tense, he moved towards Peter but was too late. Sirius had sat up and the spell that shot from the end of his wand hit Peter in the chest, he squealed and rolled off. Peter landed on the floor with a loud thud and Remus ran to his side where he was groaning. James gaped at them and turned to Sirius who was breathing hard, his wand hand shaking violently and his silver eyes narrowed in fury. “Good summer?!” He growled as he slipped off the bed and stalked towards Peter’s prone form. “Good fucking summer?! You bastard! You useless little fuck!” He lifted his wand, making a diagonal slashing movement. Remus was faster. He had his own wand in his hand and deflected the spell with such a strong shield charm Sirius was driven backwards, his legs hitting the bed and making him stumble. Remus slowly stood up, his eyes dark as he held his wand in a ready position.

James gaped at the scene, he had never seen Sirius use magic against his friends before and it terrified him. Even so, he was unwittingly impressed to see both of his friends using silent spells as if it was second nature. They didn’t learn those until sixth year. “Sirius.” Remus began in a soft, growling voice, he advanced one step and stopped when he had placed himself between Peter and Sirius. “Stop.”

Sirius was breathing hard, his hands shaking and his face white with anger. He growled softly and Remus returned it with one of his own, James was slightly surprised to hear it. It was odd seeing Remus communicating in such a way, but at least his canine-like behaviour could be explained. “Did you hear what he said?!” Sirius whispered.

“I did.”

“Then why stop me?!”

“Because he’s our pack. We do not harm each other. Sit down, shut up and calm down!”

The magic in the room was heavy, it sat in James’ chest and suffocated him. Slowly he forced himself to stand and moved towards Sirius. “Please, Siri, calm down. There’s no need to...”

Sirius jerked his arm free violently from James’ fingers, he spun to face him and backed off a few paces. His silver eyes darted around the room for a moment as if he was trapped. “Did you hear what he fucking asked me?!” he gasped, his heart hammering in his chest. The bandage on his wrist had come undone and James could see the swelling beneath. “A-After I...After I sent the letters...after I...” his head felt too full, his mind full of an inexplicable rage that consumed him until he thought he was going to crack.

“Sirius we-” James began.

Sirius spun on his heels, his robes flaring around his feet as he fled the room, the door slammed shut behind him leaving a ringing silence.

Remus met James’ gaze and they stared at each other for a long moment before Remus turned and knelt by Peter’s side. “He didn’t hurt you too badly, sit up and I’ll take a proper look.” He helped Peter sit up and inspected the damage on his round face, blood seeped from a cut beneath his eye. “It’s a scratch.” Remus smiled gently if a little stiffly before healing the wound as best he could. “There, the scar is so tiny you can’t even see it.”

James stared at the door, his wand dangling by his side as stood torn between going after his best friend and staying to ensure Peter was alright. He chewed his lip and adjusted his glasses.

“That fucking git!” Peter shouted suddenly. “He attacked me!”

“We noticed but you have to understand Peter that this summer was hard on him.” Remus said reasonably. “Did you understand the meaning behind what he wrote to us?” He helped Peter to his feet and sat down on his bed.

“Meaning? He was apologising for being a dick. He obviously didn’t mean it!”

Remus glanced at James who shrugged. “Well...the reason he was apologising was because he tried to kill himself...our letters were suicide notes.” He ended it in a whisper. “He’s not happy...I don’t know exactly what goes on at home but I believe he’s badly abused. He’s not just beaten but made to feel worthless and useless...the only people who he thinks care about him are us.”

Peter was silent a moment before looking up, Remus saw a strange look on those watery blue eyes that made his hackles stand on end. “is that any reason to take it out on someone else?” He said softly. “He’s a bully and mad to boot...everyone knows Black’s are dangerous. Why do we hang around with someone so unstable?”

James twitched and turned to look at Peter. “Don’t be an insesntive prick.” He said softly, eyes dark in his face. “Sirius is our friend.”

“He’s your friend, he didn’t just attack you!”

James lifted his wand slowly. “Want another scar to match the one Sirius gave you?” He said in that same tone of calm authority. “I have the same blood as Sirius running through my veins...do you think I’m mad?”

“N-No of course not I...”

“Then shut the fuck up, Peter. You don’t understand, you never will understand.”

“James, you’re not helping.” Remus said calmly and stood before brushing himself down. “Go after him, make sure he doesn’t kill himself.”

James lowered his wand and nodded, pushing his glasses further up onto the bridge of his nose. “Ok, just make sure that if he comes back here before me he doesn’t trash the place.”

Remus smiled softly. “He needs us now more than ever but the only one he will respond to properly is you, go.”

XXX

Sirius shivered slightly as he leaned against the parapet of the Astronomy Tower, he gazed out over the grounds as the wind picked up his hair and blew it around his face. He took a long drag on a cigarette he had filched from a seventh year and blew smoke from his lips. The door opened and he turned to look over his shoulder, he saw James standing in the shadow and returned his eyes to Hagrid’s hut. “What do you want?” He said in a dead voice.

“I wanted to ask why you attacked Peter.” James said as he slipped onto the tower and moved closer to his friend.

“I would have thought that was obvious.” Sirius replied, his words forming blue-grey puffs in the air.

“Your anger is obvious, but just attacking a friend like that? I can’t understand it.”

“No. I don’t expect you to. I hope you never do.”

James reached Sirius’ side and leaned on his arms as he looked down. “No, you’re right. I will never understand what you go through...” He sighed. “I would like to, I would like to be able to comfort you properly, to let you know that I understood...”

“No, you don’t want that. It’s better it’s me who lives with it and not you. If anything happened to you Jamie I’d...well...I wouldn’t exist.”

James looked at Sirius from the corner of his eye and took the cigarette from his fingers, he took a lungful and blew it out. “You and me...we’re...different.” He said softly.

“Not much.” Sirius cocked his head to the side.

James smiled and chuckled. “No, I guess we’re not so different...But the way we were brought up is different. My parents have loved me since the second I was conceived.” His smile brightened and Sirius found that he couldn’t look away. “I’ve been given whatever I wanted, in all honesty I’m a spoiled brat.” He giggled and took another drag on the cigarette between his fingers. “I’m arrogant and feel as if the world owes me everything my parents gave me, I’m a bully for no other reason than I enjoy showing off. I know my faults, Siri.” He looked at his best friend and grinned. “But in all the time before Hogwarts I always felt as if something was missing from my life, as if no matter what I had, no matter how talented I was or how much my family loved me I always felt like half a person.” He stepped closer and let the cigarette fall from his fingers, Sirius watched it fall and burst into a spray of ash and sparks. James lifted his thin hand and brought Sirius’ head closer. “And then, when I was eleven I found that missing something.” His smile brightened until it eclipsed the sun, James was like a giant Lumos when loved and surrounded by adoring people. He lit up like a mini-sun and Sirius was blinded once again. “When I was eleven I found you, Sirius Black.” He kissed him then, gently but firmly and wrapped an arm around him. “You make me whole. Without you there are no stars.”

Sirius felt a burning in his chest and he ended up drawing James closer, all his fury melted under that intense heat and he let himself be pushed roughly into the stone parapet. He moaned as James’ lips met his again. “We’ll never be apart, will we?” He asked softly, enjoying the closeness.

“Never. We’ll never let anything come between us.”

Sirius’ smile widened and he chuckled roughly, James kissed him, feeling rough stubble under his lips. “Mmm, someone needs a shave.”

Sirius grinned. “I’m getting a beard.”

James pulled a face in mock irritation. “I always knew you’d get one before me! Bastard.”

“I’m older, what do you expect?”

James drew him closer, his hands pushing into that luxurious hair. “I expect you to never even consider topping yourself again, or I’ll kill myself too simply to kill you again in the afterlife.”

Sirius smiled, pushing his own scarred fingers into James’ messy locks and tugging gently as he nuzzled his throat. “Never again. As long as you’re by my side I could face a whole army of Death Eaters and fucking live to tell the tale...without you I’m nothing.”

James smiled as he kissed Sirius deeply, his hand tangling in the hair at the back of his neck. Sirius moaned into his mouth and both of them whispered to each other in the night, their soft laughter lifting to the stars.

When they returned to the dorm Sirius apologised to Peter and Remus and got a hug from the Werewolf. “I’m glad you’re ok, Siri.” Remus whispered as he pulled away with his gentle smile.
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Amore et Amicitia