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Lost and Damned	By : danniperson Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Snape Views: 24088 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, the characters or the world or anything, and I make absolutely no profit from this.

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Lost and Damned

It�s the Perfect Denial

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Hermione didn�t stop crying since she woke up. Harry had crept into the infirmary when Madam Pomfrey seemed to be done fussing over everyone�There had not been an opportune moment to enter until morning and visiting hours began. He only discovered, to his relief, that Snape was alive before Hermione woke up, sobbing and screaming for Ron. Harry�s heart ached horribly for her and for himself and he crawled into bed with her (despite Pomfrey�s glowering) and held her and comforted her the best he could. Now and then the sobbing would stop long enough to fall into coughs and hiccups and whimpers until she regained the energy to continue her wild sobbing. She hadn�t seemed to run out of tears yet and her body trembled so horribly with the force of her crying that Harry actually worried she might fall apart. Harry held her close and rubbed her back, muttering things like �It�ll be okay, Hermione� and other things that didn�t really make sense. How could it be okay when they had both lost the person that meant so much to them?
Harry knew Hermione wasn�t going to be the only one, but luckily Ginny remained unconscious for a while. Harry noticed Neville was awake after a few minutes, but he said nothing and only stared at the ceiling, cringing when Hermione�s sobbing was at its worst and gazing sympathetically at the pair now and then. Luna awoke after a while to warn Hermione that her sobbing might attract some strange creature or another, though her tone and expression were far more serious and down to earth than Harry ever recalled, making Luna Lovegood seem almost like an entirely different person. Otherwise, she, too, remained quiet and read the latest addition of her father�s magazine.
�Can�t someone quiet her down?� demanded a frantic voice as the door opened. �My son should have peace and quiet while he�s recovering!�
Hermione whimpered and hiccupped and forced herself to quiet down and they all watched as Narcissa Malfoy swept into the room. She wore long, pale blue robes and her blond hair was pulled up into a stylish bun, though several curls had fallen loose in the back and in the front. Her ice blue eyes immediately sought out her son and she ran to his side as if he were on his death bed. Draco, who Harry hadn�t known was awake, merely raised his eyebrow at her dramatics. �Oh, Draco!� Narcissa exclaimed tearfully, throwing her arms around her son. Harry might have laughed at the pink tinge that filled his cheeks, but felt far too somber to allow any sort of lighthearted feelings or behaviors. �You�re okay, then?�
�I�m fine, Mother,� Draco assured her, running his hands through his pale blond hair and immediately his mother�s hands joined his, messing with it enough to make him scrunch up his face.
�Are you sure? Were you hit by anything?� Narcissa asked, grasping his hands desperately.
�Aunt Bella gets a bit excited with her curses, you know,� Draco said with a smirk. �Nothing too bad, though. I got hit in the crossfire a few times, but nothing really serious. Just a bit sore from all of that moving, you know, and Madam Pomfrey wants me to stay here so she can be sure--�
�Yes, you must stay here,� Narcissa sniffed. �Oh, Draco, I couldn�t bear it if anything happened to you! So, you be sure you�re healthy and safe and be good and�Well, Draco,� Narcissa said quietly, glancing over her shoulder before leaning in to whisper to him.
�His dad was arrested at the Ministry,� Neville whispered to them. �Him and a few others, it was in the Prophet this morning.�
Harry nodded and chanced another look in Draco�s reaction. His mother was hugging him and he looked relieved. Harry smiled softly to himself. He wasn�t sure how long Lucius Malfoy would be in Azkaban. The dementors weren�t on their side anymore and considering how other Death Eaters had escaped just this year�It wouldn�t be long before Lucius Malfoy was out. But for now, and hopefully all summer, Draco could enjoy a bit of freedom without his father ruining everything for him.
Narcissa Malfoy was not the only concerned and distraught parent to enter the infirmary that day. A half hour later she was still at Draco�s side and the door opened again. Hermione, who had calmed down decently within the past fifteen minutes, gasped quietly, becoming rigid in Harry�s arms. Harry hesitantly turned his eyes to the pale and grave looking Mr. and Mrs. Weasley. Arthur Weasley looked stunned while his wife had tears rolling down her cheeks that she was constantly wiping away, wearing a grin that looked more like a grimace, her entire body seeming as though she was struggling for control not to fall apart the way Hermione had earlier.
�Where�s Ginny?� Molly Weasley asked, her voice high-pitched and cracking.
�Over here, Mrs. Weasley,� Hermione said, her voice sounding very much like Mrs. Weasley�s and Harry frowned and kissed the top of her head as tears started falling again.
Mrs. Weasley rushed to Ginny�s side, clinging to her and crying quietly. Mr. Weasley followed slowly, stopping long enough to pat Harry�s shoulder and offer Hermione a small hug before standing behind his daughter and wife, seeming as though he, too, might soon fall victim to tears.
�Is she alright?� Mrs. Weasley half sobbed.
�She�ll be fine, Mrs. Weasley,� Pomfrey said, walking up to them. �Just gave her a strong sleeping potion�She needs rest to heal and�Well�She was in quite a state when they brought her in.�
It didn�t take Ginny long to wake up under the heavy hugging and petting and crying over her mother. Ginny seemed irritated the first few moments before it all seemed to crash back down upon her. Her face crumpled and she clung to her mother just as tightly as Mrs. Weasley was hanging onto her. Mr. Weasley stood behind them for a while before hugging both of his girls. Harry just watched the proceedings, his jaw set tight and the strange feeling in his chest that he might break down with them at any moment and reminding himself that he didn�t have the right. It was his fault their son was dead�Now and then he looked away, barely able to stomach looking at them when he felt so guilty. Hermione buried her face in his shoulder, crying quietly and shaking gently, though she seemed unwilling to attract too much attention to herself now, too aware of her actions and Harry could sense the struggle she dealt with
More than anything, Harry wanted to go find Snape�Selfishly, he wanted to escape this sorrow and remind himself that something good had happened. Snape had survived. He had lost a lot of blood and had been in an awful state the time Dumbledore had gotten him to Madam Pomfrey. They managed, though, and Snape had been asleep in a far corner of the room ever since. Harry longed to curl up beside him and hold him close and remind himself that he had survived and that everything was okay, allowing himself some sense of comfort and warmth and happiness remembering the words Snape had told him. That he loved him. Harry wanted to be there when the man woke up�To tell him he loved him again and assure him how happy he was that he was okay and thank him for doing so much to try to save him and help Sirius and everything else he needed to express to the man.
It felt wrong to leave his friends like this, though, and he knew he deserved to be put through this. It would seem odd if he abandoned his friends in favor of going over to see Snape, anyway. So for several hours, Harry sat with Hermione and talked to Neville and comforted Hermione when she needed him. He tried not to bring too much attention to himself, wanting the Weasleys to have some time together and not intrude upon them. Fred and George arrived right before lunch and Bill came along an hour or so after that.
�He died a hero,� Mr. Weasley said, trying to sound strong.
�My poor, brave boy!� sobbed Mrs. Weasley.
�Oh God,� Hermione whimpered, curling up against Harry.
�Th�Thank you�Thank you both so much,� Mrs. Weasley said to them, sniffling. �You two were�Always so�so wonderful to him. His best friends�He got himself into some trouble, didn�t he? But you were both always so good to him�Such wonderful friends. And Hermione�Oh he loved you, dear�You�well, you both�made the last bit of his life very happy and very good. I want you to know that�Oh, you�ll both always be like children to me,� sobbed Mrs. Weasley. �My poor Ronnie!�
�Oh, Mrs. Weasley!� an emotional Hermione exclaimed. She slid out of bed and hugged the red haired woman and Harry just frowned as Ginny joined them. Ginny had never been overly emotional and it was so strange seeing her so prone to tears today, even if it was such a sad occasion.
The rest of the day went by in a similar manner. Harry stayed by Hermione and only moved to comfort Ginny when the Weasleys went to go speak with Dumbledore and Hermione was taking a nap. He let Mrs. Weasley cry and hug him for a while and smiled painfully through all of their kind words that felt like they were ripping his heart to shreds. He didn�t feel that he deserved their kindness or their love or their anything. He didn�t even dare let himself mourn his best friend properly, feeling he was better suited for comforting those around him. Often, though, his eyes would wander to that bed Snape occupied in the far corner of the room.
All of his classmates were released later that day and they attended a memorial for Ron in the Great Hall that had many people in tears. Harry felt his own eyes burning with wetness, letting Hermione and Ginny huddle close on either side of him and escorting them back to Gryffindor Tower when it was all over. Once they were in bed, he ducked under his Invisibility Cloak and left. He didn�t want to face the questions or the stares of those around him. He didn�t want to talk about Ron or the Ministry or anything else.
Instead he sneaked into the infirmary, surprised to see that Draco was back in his bed. Harry frowned, wondering what had happened to him, but the blond was fast asleep. Harry instead moved over to that corner of the room he had longed to visit since last night. For some reason he slowed down the nearer he got, his heart racing in his chest and he licked his lips. He moved closer and closer, almost afraid to find something badly had happened since last night. He was worried about what he might find in that bed�He relaxed a bit when he saw Snape�s face�Clean and sallow as ever and even his black hair looked to be softer and cleaner than usual. Harry reached out to gently touch one of the normally greasy strands and played with it between his fingers while his eyes slowly moved down. His body was covered entirely as it always was and Harry reached down, gently pulling back the sleeves of his shirt, relaxed to find the only thing marring his arms was the Dark Mark and a few long, pale scars. His arm seemed to have been mended. Hesitantly he lifted the shirt up over his chest, almost afraid to find him still bleeding profusely from his chest or stomach, but only found more long, pale scars marring his flesh. None of them looked fresh and it seemed as though he really was fine. Reluctantly he pulled his hand away and tugged the man�s shirt back down where it properly belonged.
�I love you,� Harry whispered quietly, leaning down to press soft kisses to his cheek and his thin lips and his long, hooked nose. There were no chairs around and Harry was too nervous to conjure one up, so instead he kneeled down beside the bed and held one of Snape�s hands tightly in both of his, pressing his lips to the fingers and knuckles and the top of his hand and to his palm now and then. It was late�But Harry didn�t feel remotely tired. He would have been more than happy to spend the entire night, the entire week, an entire month by the man�s side.
He was alive, and Harry often reminded himself of the fact by checking his pulse or resting his cheek on his chest for a few minutes to listen to and feel his heart beating. It felt wrong to be happy about anything when Ron was dead, but he couldn�t help but feel so grateful and happy that Snape was still here. Harry nearly lost him�That thought had been more terrifying than anything Harry could remember.
�I love you so much,� he whispered, kissing his chest.
Harry must have been there for hours, he thought, and he didn�t mind the quiet or the nothingness, as he enjoyed everything he was doing with the sleeping Snape right now. He was almost surprised to hear the man�s hoarse voice whisper, �Potter,� after a while. His head shot up and he jumped to his feet, looking down at him anxiously.
�Snape,� Harry breathed, eyes wide with excitement, though he wasn�t sure what to say. �How are you feeling?�
�Awful,� he rasped, black eyes blinking a few times before narrowing at Harry. �Why are you here?�
�I wanted to see you,� Harry whispered with a frown.
�Now why would you want to do a thing like that?� Snape muttered, shifting a bit and grunting where he laid.
�Because I love you,� Harry whispered cautiously, wondering if Snape had even remembered what had taken place in the forest. He tensed up a bit at the thought.
�Potter--� Snape growled, but stopped, something flashing in his eyes before he closed them and rubbed his temples. �Dear Merlin��
�Snape--� Harry began.
�Professor,� Snape hissed, correcting him. �Or sir, if you�d prefer.�
Harry glared at him and stepped back, folding his arms over his chest. �Sir, then. I--�
�You what?� Snape hissed, that look in his eyes daring Harry to say it.
�Don�t do this. Don�t pretend you don�t know,� Harry grumbled.
�I do not know what you mean, Potter.�
�You love me.�
Silence.
Harry shifted on his feet, but didn�t back down, staring at Snape defiantly. His pulse was racing and while the excitement of anger boiled up in him, he felt his heart sink. He had a bad feeling he knew where this was headed.
�I have no idea what gave you that impression, Potter, but I assure you that I do not love you. I do not love anyone. Now get such foolish, romantic ideas out of your head.�
�You told me you loved me,� Harry reminded him.
�You are mistaken,� Snape hissed. �I could never love a self-absorbed, fame-hungry, reckless, foolhardy brat such as yourself.�
Harry laughed bitterly. �Of course not. That�s why I distinctly remember you telling me you love me. We can ask for Dumbledore�s Pensieve, if you�d like to see it.�
Snape glared at him. �Whatever I may have said when I was dying, Potter, cannot be taken seriously. I lost a lot of blood and while I do not remember much, I assure you that if I said such a thing, it is far from the truth. I apologize for misleading you.�
�You did not mislead me!� Harry snapped, his voice louder and echoing in the dark room. �You called me Harry and you told me that you loved me. The way you were�the state you were in�You�d be more honest than anything. You thought you were dying! Why lie about something like that?�
�I do not know, Potter, as I hardly recall anything from that time,� Snape hissed. �I assure you, though, the very last emotion I feel for you is love, Potter. I despise you just as I despised your father and have always despised you. If you confuse loathing for love, you will have quite an interesting life ahead of you. If you would please keep your insanity far from me, I would very much appreciate it.�
Harry gritted his teeth, hating the way his eyes filled with tears again, but he held them back. Hadn�t he been through enough already, without Snape doing this to him? Doubts crept into Harry�s mind, but he ignored them. Snape loved him�Harry knew he did. There was no way Snape was going to convince him otherwise. �You can make me hate you all you want,� Harry whispered after a long moment. �And you�re doing a pretty good job�But it won�t make this go away between us. Keep lying to yourself and keep lying to me, if you want, but I know the truth, Snape,� Harry hissed, spinning around and storming out of the infirmary, not really sure what to do with himself.
�Fifty points from Gryffindor!� Snape hissed after him.
He was a complete git! Nothing new about that, Harry thought bitterly, muscles tensing and loosening as he resisted the urge to punch and kick the stone walls. His jaw tightened and his fingers clenched into fists. He was furious. But most of all, he was hurt. This was what he got, though, wasn�t it? Life couldn�t just be simple and easy for once in his life, could it?
Couldn�t expect much from Snape, though. Harry knew the man wasn�t in the best of situations. Harry was fifteen�The age thing and their positions as teacher and students were facts Harry was forgetting more and more often these days. Snape could probably be sent to Azkaban if they did anything�Everyone would surely call him a pervert or a pedophile or other bad things. Harry frowned deeply. Not to mention that they were gay and that was apparently very much frowned upon in the Wizarding world�
Harry sighed, reluctantly calming down as he neared the tower. It was a bit complicated, wasn�t it? He couldn�t blame Snape for pushing him away, could he? Not knowing how messed up the whole situation was�
Didn�t make it hurt any less.

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�Do you? Love him, I mean?�
Draco�s voice was quiet, but in the silent room it rang out loud and clear. Severus lifted his head, black eyes narrowed at his godson. Of course he would be awake and eavesdropping at half past two in the morning. The very last conversation he needed to hear. Severus glanced around at the other occupants of the room, only spotting Dolores Umbridge fast asleep and twitching violently every minute or so.
�No,� Severus lied easily.
Draco said nothing for a moment and all Severus could hear was him shifting in bed. �I don�t know if I should believe that or not.�
Severus snorted. �Believe what you will, Draco.�
Draco sighed quietly. �So�you�re in love with Harry Potter.�
Severus gritted his teeth. �Do not be ridiculous, Draco. He is fifteen. I cannot possibly be in love with a child.�
Draco chuckled. �Oh, you know all they say about love. It knows no bounds�It�s a very powerful thing. It comes when you least expect it. Blah, blah, blah.� Draco snorted a bit and shifted around in bed again until he was sitting up more, looking over at Severus. �There are plenty of reasons a relationship would be a bad idea, but we both know you�d do your damnedest to find excuses to not let it work out.�
�What does it matter? Enlighten me, please, Draco. Let�s say, hypothetically, that it was true. What difference would it make? You said so yourself�There are plenty of reasons feelings for Potter are a bad idea.�
�Age, teacher/student relationships, being gay,� Draco listed off, sighing heavily. �Blah, blah, blah. None of that will stop a Gryffindor, though. Certainly not Harry Potter.�
Severus frowned deeply and stared up at the dark ceiling. That was one of the biggest obstacles he was going to have to face�Dealing with Potter and his silly notions of love and bravery and other such ridiculous Gryffindor morals. Rules didn�t mean anything�What people saw didn�t mean anything as long as it was what was right and as wrong as it was, Potter would find some way to make it a sin to deny their feelings or something else remarkably dimwitted.
�I am no stranger to earning the hatred of the student body, Draco,� Severus assured him.
�Yeah,� Draco said distractedly. �Only�I dunno�You�re a spy, Severus�You�re rather good at lying and hiding things, aren�t you? Why couldn�t you�I dunno��
His black eyes flashed and he sat up in bed a bit, glowering at his godson. �I will not conduct myself in inappropriate behavior with a student because it satisfies my needs and because I can get away with it. I am not a pedophile, Draco. Not everyone is your father. I do not find enjoyment in using the innocence and naivety of youth to satiate my desires. Harry Potter is a fifteen year old boy! He doesn�t know what love is, even if he thinks he has such feelings for me. Every young person likes to think they know what love is. I�ve heard fifteen year old couples discussing marriage and children before. It is mind-boggling and very idiotic. Potter will get over his �heartbreak� soon enough and I will not let myself become entangled with some boy who will have a new infatuation before long.�
Draco looked like he might disagree, but he said nothing and merely settled back into his bed.

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There were only a few more days left of school, but Harry and Hermione and Ginny would not be there. Harry was immensely grateful for it�After last night, he wasn�t sure he could bare to face Snape again just yet. At the same time, knowing he wouldn�t be seeing the man for another two months left him feeling strange. Like it was wrong to be away from him for so long.
It was at least two months worth of time Harry could figure everything out. Harry would leave thoughts of his relationship with Snape for later on. Instead he packed his things sighed heavily as he eyed the black mourning robes laid out on his bed. They would be taking the Floo from Dumbledore�s office soon to head to the Burrow where the funeral would take place that afternoon. His best friend�s funeral�He knew he was sad�Feeling oddly empty and depressed�But he didn�t feel as sad as he should. It was almost as if he hadn�t fully accepted that it was real yet�Like he still partially expected Ron to open his eyes at any moment and say that it hadn�t been real, explaining it away as some joke or potion or spell or something gone wrong and everything would be fine.
Grabbing his trunk and Hedwig�s cage, Harry headed downstairs, pausing at the end of the staircase to watch Hermione and Ginny. The girls were huddled together on the couch, staring at the fireplace. Both were dressed in black dresses with their hair done in neat, matching braids. Hermione had her head resting on Ginny�s shoulder while the red haired girl rested her cheek on top of Hermione�s head. Their cheeks were shiny with tears and now and then he saw a fresh one roll down one of their cheeks. Both looked calmer than they had yesterday, but the sorrow was so full in both of their eyes that Harry could hardly bear to look into either of their faces, fearing it might just break his heart to do so. How was it they looked so strong in their vulnerability? So beautiful in their heartache? It was strange, Harry supposed, but that�s what he thought they looked like. Strong�They were both strong, despite how awfully their emotions were tearing at them.
�Erm,� Harry said, immediately feeling strange for interrupting them. �We uh�we should go soon, I think.�
�Soon,� Ginny agreed in a whisper, though neither girl looked like they might move anytime soon. Harry left his things at the bottom of the staircase and walked over to them, watching them slowly part, allowing him the spot between them, both laying their heads on his shoulders while he wrapped his arms around them, holding them close and allowing their tears to wet his neck and his robes, even daring allowing a tear or two to escape himself. If anyone else came into the common room, the three of them didn�t notice, too wrapped up in their own world of mutual grief and stealing comfort from one another.

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Author�s Note: Okay so this is the end of part one! I hope everyone likes it and will keep reading! Thanks so much for the reviews so far! Keep it up, please! You know I love hearing from you.
Chapter title lyrics from my current favorite song, �A Beautiful Lie� by 30 Seconds to Mars.
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Lost and Damned