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Join Me In Death	By : Zadkhiel Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Draco Views: 1565 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

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Join Me In Death

before life tears us apart...

Series: Join Me In Death

Chapter: III - Before Life Tears Us Apart

Type: Slash Fic

Pairing: Draco/Harry

Rated: NC-17 - dark angst

Blurb: won't you die tonight for love?

JOIN ME IN DEATH

Before Life Tears Us Apart

Ironically enough, the next week or so went by fairly quickly, the intense studying and concentration needed for the exams making it nearly impossible for Draco to think about anything but Potions, DADA, Transfigurations, Charms, Ancient Runes, Herbology, History of Magic, Astronomy, Arithmancy, and Divination.

Over the course of his studies, he pulled several all-nighters, using herbs and potions to keep himself awake. Anything, even the mindless memorization of numbers, procedures, dates, people, places, and plants was better than facing the nightmares of his bed alone. No one ever saw him, or if they did, it was only in passing. He lost some weight as a result of his irregular sleeping and eating patterns and had more toss-offs in the shower than he ever had in the course of his lifetime, leaving his body temporarily satisfied and fooled, but leaving his heart and soul more empty than ever. He didn�t know how much longer of this he could stand.

�You promised��

But he persevered, the voice in his mind reminding him of promises made that were to be kept. It was the last and only thing he could do for the one he loved. As the allotted time for studying for the N.E.W.Ts drew to an end, Draco found himself reviewing old Potions textbooks, but belatedly realized that there was nothing else left for him to study. During a last perusal of his notebook, a piece of folded paper slipped out and he opened it and his hand covered his mouth as he choked down a sob.

so before life tears us apart let

death bless me with you�

During their fifth year, the pressure of being torn between the light and the dark � Harry and the Order and his father and Voldemort � had left a psychological scar on him that manifested itself in his self-inflicted injuries. He had broken things off with Harry then, feeling ashamed and unworthy of the unconditional love they shared. It was impossible, he had thought, to have unconditional love extend to something so shameful as self-injury, though he never thought that if HE could and would accept his lover if he had done such a thing that the acceptance would be given in return.

It was only by accident that Harry had found out about the scars on his arms when their potion had exploded one day in Snape�s class and Harry had taken him to the boys� room to help him clean up. Through a loud and almost violent encounter at the sink, Harry had found out.

Harry had been furious � furious that Draco had kept something like this from him, furious that Draco would be so pained to have to resort to something like that; then he had been hurt � hurt that Draco hadn�t been able to trust him with this; then he had been understanding � understanding that Draco had hid this from him and had broken off their relationship in order to keep the one he loved from the same pains that tormented him.

Harry had run out of the room leaving Draco feeling like his heart had been ripped out of his chest. He could hardly show his face at class, but forced himself to anyway, vowing to stay as far away from his ex-lover as possible once their lab assignment was over with. It was later during class that Harry had slipped him the note written in his sloppy, but oddly appropriate scrawl.

Draco

I know that times are rough. Bloody hell, times are rough for everybody right now, but don�t let your father ruin everything that you�veked ked for and believe in. You�re so beautiful to me and I hate to see you throw it all away because someone told you to. You�re perfect as you are for all of who you are � for your past, your present, and our future. I can�t tell you to not hurt yourself anymore, but I can promise you that if you feel like you need to, I�ll be there for you to remind you that someone always loves you and to balm the wounds with my kisses. Just don�t push me away. I don�t know what I would do if you weren�t here.

Ego amo te, scarred or not.

Love Always, Harry

Won't you die tonight for love

Baby join me in death

Soundlessly, Draco sobbed, wetting the desk and his notebook with tears. Once Harry had found out, the cutting became more and more infrequent until they altogether stopped during their sixth year. Harry had been the balm for all his wounds � external and internal � and instead of causing a rift between them, that incident had brought them closer together than before because it was then that they both knew there was absolutely nothing to hide. And in that time, he learned the depths of Harry�s pains as well and was able to keep him from walking the same path he had taken a year before. Where these memories had always been a comfort to him, they were now devastating in the pain they inflicted.

�Harry, why did you do that? Why in seven hells did you have to do that for?! You stupid git! You bloody stupid Gryffindor git!� He screamed at the top of his lungs and in the empty Potions room, his voice echoed hollowly off the blank walls.

But even as he asked the question, he knew he already knew the answer. Because he would have done the exact same thing himself.

��because� I� love you��

So won't you die

Baby join me in death

Draco didn�t know how late it was or how early it was in the morning when he finally left the classroom and headed to his room. Younger students stared at him as he walked past them, but he didn�t pay attention nor did he care. He closed the door behind himself and threw his books onto a chair and stripped and climbed into bed and immediately fell asleep, the exhaustion that even the potions couldn�t cure overwhelming him at last.

He slept for almost the whole day, waking only to get a drink of water. Dreams interspersed with voids filled his sleep-ridden mind, but strangely and thankfully enough, no nightmares plagued his dreams. Instead, he found himself dreaming of Harry, not being able to tell memories apart from dreams themselves, and then finally not caring.

Won't you die tonight for love

Baby join me in death

When he finally woke up to the sound of his alarm clock ringing � a somewhat annoying muggle invention that Harry had bought for his room to ensure neither of them would oversleep should their nighttime activities tire them out too much � and without the haunting of nightmares, he felt refreshed. A pang of sadness hit him when he realized that Harry really had just been a dream even though he clearly recalled Harry saying something to the effect of, �Only for awhile.� But aside from that, he could recall nothing else of the dream. He also realized that it must have been a sexual dream because there was a wet spot on his bedsheets that attested to this.

�Bloody Gryffindor.� He mumbled and slapped the alarm clock silent. He cleaned the bed with a spell, took a shower, dressed, and headed to the Potions classroom to take his written comprehensive N.E.W.T exam for Potions.

The exam was difficult, but not nearly as horrible as he thought it would be. He recognized everything on the exam and remembered what he had studied, the occasional mental whisper of, �you promise?� urging him on. When he finally finished, he was tired and his hand was aching from writing too much, but he was confident that he had done well. He couldn�t help but let a familiar smirk tug at his lips when he saw that Hermione Granger was still scribbling away. He took his exam up to the front of the room and left, but not before seeing the encouraging flicker of warmth in Professor Snape�s eyes.

this life ain't worth living�

And so the next few days of the N.E.W.Ts passed with Draco tackling his exams with an energy he didn�t realize he still had, but growing more and more curious about his lack of nightmares and the constant presence of Harry in his dreams. Not that he was complaining, but it was puzzling. When he woke up each morning he was aware that he had dreamt the same dream he had dreamt the night before, but he could never remember the dream, save for random scant pieces of conversation or images. It was ironic though that he was feeling better, but only because he had Harry to comfort him in his dreams. When he wasn�t taking one exam or the other, the pangs of loneliness and heartache ate away at him deeper and deeper and he sought the comfort and dreams of his bed more and more frequently to assuage the pain.

�One more exam to go�� Harry kissed his lover warmly and nuzzled the warm crook of his neck.

�One more and then it will be all over with�� Draco�s eyes were wide with joy and he hugged the other boy as close to him as possible.

�One more�� Harry bit his lip to keep from crying. Then he shoved the sadness away and nodded with a smile and wink and gave the blond boy�s bare ass a slap. �Go and show them what being a Slytherin is all about � what Draco bleeding Malfoy is all about.�

this life ain't worth living

Join me Join me

Draco steeled himself before walking into the Potions classroom for his last time. Today�s exam � his very last exam � was the Potions lab practical. He had never had much problem with his labs in the past, though now, without any instructions whatsoever and having only his memory to rely on, he started having his doubts.

�You were always better at Potions than me��

He sat down at his desk where a neat assortment of lab materials were laid out for him as it was for each student. After everyone was seated, Professor Snape handed out their lab assignments and the exam began.

The first few potion brews were completed without much of a hitch and each time, one of the proctors would watch carefully as he drank his own potion as a test.

The last three potions were the hardest because they all used similar if not the same ingredients, testing the students� comprehension of the differences in the measurement of ingredients and how one slightly altered ingredient could change one potion into something co}ul}tely different. The last potion was a healing potion that would make the drinker impervious to bodily harm for five minutes � a potion that could be as deadly as useful if prepared improperly, Snape had reminded them. Instead of protecting the drinker, the improper potion could instead cause aggravated damage, meaning that a physical wound would not be able to heal without an antidote to the potion.

this live ain't worth living

Join me Join me

Draco raised his hand to alert the proctors of his completion of the potion and Professor Snape walked over.

�Very well, Mr. Malfoy. Let�s see if you brewed it correctly.� Snape clasped his hands behind his back and watched.

Draco picked up the sterile razor blade that every student had been provided with and bared his wrist, ignoring the furrowing of Snape�s eyebrows at his observation, and cut deep. There was a momentary flash of crimson then the wound immediately closed.

�Very good. You are now finished with the exam. Please look over your lab write-up and turn in all your potion samples.� The professor nodded and walked off to another student who had her hand raised.

this life ain't worth living�

Draco didn�t need to look over his write-up, but he did so anyway, remembering at the last minute to tear out the last page of his exam notebook. He labeled all his test tubes but one, which he pocketed, and rested them in the test tube rack and carried that plus his notebook up to the front of the room. He left the rack on the table and left the room, second only to the muggle-born Hermione.

* * * * * * * * * *

The next few days went by agonizingly slow, the tension of waiting for the grades just as bad as the tension before and during the exams. While he waited for the results, he did what a lot of other students were doing � packing up their belongings to return home. He packed his books and clothes and other personal artifacts into his trunks and when he was done packing, the room was bare and empty expect for the large pieces of furniture lying around.

He wandered the school to pass the time, his heart filled with the fluttering of both hope and anxiety. Gossip went around that Draco Malfoy was finally coming out of his depression and other news said that he was only depressed because of the pressure of the exams. Some of his former Potions classmates were making bets on who would score higher on the two Potions exams � Hermione or himself. At this point, he really didn�t give a bloody damn, but it would be nice if he managed to give Slytherin the glory of having the student who scored the highest on the N.E.W.Ts before he left.

He knew everyone expected him to do dreadfully, but on the other hand, everyone expected Hermione to do worse than she normally did for similar reasons. The only reason he had never done particularly well was because he hadn�t seen much of a point in certain classes. It was only after he and Harry had gotten together had be started to really excel at his studies because he found himself actually taking the time to study and put effort into what he was doing.

�Just remember to do your best��

The night before the N.E.W.Ts scores would be released was filled with more anxiety and anticipation than Draco had ever felt for any of his previous exams. He tossed and turned a lot in his bed, his mind going over all the possibilities in nitty gritty overly vivid details. What if he had only been imagining things? What if he had misinterpreted something? What if he had interpreted something that wasn�t meant to be interpreted in that way? He finally conceded to take a sleep potion when he couldn�t get his head to stop playing the �what-if� game and he slipped into a blissful sleep.

�How do you think you did?� Harry ran a hand along his lover�s exposed flank, marveling at the smoothness of the skin and couldn�t resist placing a kiss at the highest point.

�I think I did rather well, actually�� Draco smiled in his familiar self-satisfied way and he arched into Harry�s touch.

�Good�� Harry smiled, fighting a small wave of sadness and guilt. �And here�s my reward for you�� He rolled Draco over so he was laying flat on his back and straddled his lover�s hips and slowly lowered himself down, impaling himself on Draco�s slick shaft, watching the emotions play across the beautiful face below him with answering love.

Won't you die tonight for love

Baby join me in death�

Draco woke up in a sticky mess of his release, sheets, and sweat to the ringing of his alarm clock and was about to go back to sleep when he saw what time it was when he remembered why he had set the alarm for so early.

The exam results!

He quickly showered and threw on his clothes and hurried to the Great Hall to await the arrival of the other students and the distribution of their exam results. Apparently, he had been an early riser because there were only a handful of people at each house table and his early arrival earned him a handful of glances and whispers. He ate a handful of raspberries, delighting in their flavor and distracting in their tartness.

The other students started filing in and soon, the tables were filled and the staff were at their places at the front of the room. Dumbledore made his announcement that he always did and everyone cheered and then flocks of owls appeared, each bearing an envelope with a student�s name and dropped them off in front of each of the appropriate students.

A creamy envelope scrawled with the name �Draco Malfoy� landed in front of Draco and for a moment, all he did was stare at it, his throat tightening and growing dry. He poured a cup of juice and drank it all in one gulp. Everyone around him was chattering excitedly or cursing under their breath. One person from one table screamed and started laughing and he assumed that since it came from the Gryffindor table, it was Hermione.

He fingered the envelope and he suddenly got the feeling that everyone�s eyes were on him and he tried to look nonchalant as his finger broke the seal. He caught Professor Snape�s gaze from the staff table and was encouraged by the slight nod that was made in his direction. He turned his attention back to the matter at hand and pulled out the letter that was folded inside. He tossed the envelope carelessly on the table and opened the letter.

Astronomy � O

Charms � O

DADA � O

Herbology � A

History of Magic � O

Potions � O

Transfigurations � O

Ancient Runes � O

Divination � A

SeN.E.N.E.W.T.s.

All his last-minute studying had been worth it.

So would you die

Baby join me in death�

Herbology had always been his weak spot � his not-so-green-thumb constantly making trouble by pulling out his herb instead of the weed and so on. Not even Harry�s tutoring could help him much. History of Magic had just been a matter of memorization, something he never particularly was fond of since it was boring as hell and put him to sleep every time he read it, but just this once, he had drank his potion and forced himself to read and memorize. He was a little surprised that he had managed to get by Divination with an A because he was never too great at divining anything except the weather. All his other classes were just a matter of studying and he thanked Harry and their numerous outings to the Astronomy tower because without him and without those extra excursions he would never have been able to get a NEWT in it.

�Bloody fucking hell.� He looked at the letter again and recounted.

�What�s the verdict, Malfoy?� Came a shout from the end of the Slytherin table. Everyone in the Great Hall seemed to turn around to look at him.

�Seven NEWTS.�

A collective gasp went around the entire room and a moment later, Hermione was standing in front of him, her face red with fury and indignation. �Let me see that.�

With a careless shrug, Draco threw the letter at her, which she caught easily, and skimmed.

�Bugger.� Her breath came out in a whoosh.

�How did you do?�

Hermione looked at him somewhat distastefully, though there was now a glint of grudging respect in her eyes. �Never took you to be a scholar, Malfoy.� She paused. �Seven.�

More gasps went around the room and Draco carefully refolded the letter and stuck it back into the enve and and stuck the envelope up his sleeve. �Looks can be deceiving.� He answered simply then said something he never thought he would. �Congratulations.�

Hermione looked freshly startled at this and the staff members at the table looked pleased.

�Uhm� Thank you. And congratulations to you, too.� She blushed a little and returned to her table as the rest of the room cheered.

Draco finished the rest of his breakfast in silence, accepting the occasional thanks and well-wishes, and silently slipped away from the group.

| continued in part IV |

won't you die tonight for love?

� "Zadkhiel" - 04.24.2004
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Join Me In Death