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Neville Longbottom and the Portkey of Perversion	By : Sal Category: Harry Potter > General > General Views: 17400 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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Author's note — ah, there isn't much to say really. NC17, obviously. As if I'd write anything else, dears. Actually it has turned out weird — like the Slash version of ‘A Christmas Carol.' With no Christmas and Dickens, and with only a small number of humbugs.
Percy Weasley: Has Slashed, Is Slashing, Will Slash (a.k.a. Don't Piss Off The Slash Fairy)

Unlike his Gryffindor compatriot Neville, Percy Weasley has had sex, thank you very much. He almost enjoyed it too, and he is sure that Penelope was rather pleased, as she seemed to squeak and thrash around most alarmingly, and wandered around for the whole of the next day with a broad grin on her face. It did feel rather nice, but Percy (as always happens in these fics) is hiding a huge secret, one that threatens the standing of his family and the future of the Weasleys.

Percy Weasley is gay (like we didn't already know).

There. It's been said. He is terrified of what would happen if it came out (in a matter of speaking). In all realities, even the angsty ones, everyone knows that Molly and Arthur would take this confession well; parents always know, always. However, Percy being the uptight one we all know and — well, not love but almost respect — is absolutely horrified of the thought of sitting his parents down and blurting out what is worrying him.

He is also afraid that expectations of him will change. Will he have to go clubbing in the Pink Pussycat off Diagon Alley? Will he have to wear tight trousers? Will he have to mince — well, more than usual anyway? Will his mother, who is so keep to set him up with the daughters of various wizarding friends, try and get their sons to go on dates with him? The practicalities of the gay lifestyle are haunting him.

It is no wonder, therefore, he is shocked when the Slash fairy appears out of nowhere and sits in his in tray on his desk deep in the bowels of the Ministry of Magic. He has never, well he thinks, met someone gay before, and this black-leather-clad fairy seems to fit all of his notions of what homosexuals are like.

"Hello. I'm the Slash fairy. You alright mate? You're looking a bit down — scared about telling the parents, huh?"

"What are you talking about," hisses Percy, trying to not look like he is talking to himself and hide the interloper at the same time. How can this creature know these things? However, only the supernatural and the homosexual can see fairies. Especially cute slashy ones who have an interesting line in knee-length Gucci boots. And considering that Percy is not the former, we have to assume that the gay thing is well instilled in him.

"I'm here to help."

"Bugger off!"

"But I'm a nice fairy"

"You're a raving fairy. Now get out of my in tray and flutter off to fairyland or wherever you live." Percy grabbed his blotter and waved it threateningly at the tiny figure.

"Humbug to you too. I'm only trying to be civil and friendly. Fuck you, Mr Percy Weasley!" And in a shower of gold sparks he disappears, leaving behind a pissed off Percy — he's just sick of supernatural beings appearing and trying to help him. Last time it was the Acne gnome, who proceeded to give him even more spots than he had just because Percy accidentally poured ink over him.

Percy snuggles up in bed with an ancient teddy bear, and falls asleep. His dreams are pleasant, and involve the majority of the Caerphilly Catapults quidditch team. This is the team including ‘Dangerous' Dai Llewellyn, who apparently can do insane things with his tongue as well as him broomstick.

Percy giggles in his sleep as he realises the true significance of the broomstick.

However, as the clock strikes one…

*BOOM!*

He squeals and sits up in bed, fumbling for his glasses. What he can see when he focuses is a young Slash fairy, dressed in white and looking a little like the curly-haired one out of Nsync.

"Hello, I'm the fairy of Slashes past. I'm here to show you stuff!" it squealed and in a whirlwind of silver they are both transported to a Christmas long ago…

"This is school!" proclaims Percy, who feels stupid standing there in nothing but a pair of old boxers. "Why are we here?"

The Slash fairy motions and they make their way towards what looks suspiciously like the Prefect's bathroom on the fifth floor (the site of many a conquest for most students). Percy feels his stomach drop—this is not good. This really is not good. Things happened in there that he does not want to think about or dredge up or consider.

They melt through the locked door, and Percy sees what he had been dreading.

He was kneeling on the floor, naked and very excited by the look of things — the Slash fairy makes a rather personal but pleasing comment about the size of Percy's tackle — but this is not the worst thing. The horrible evil and nasty problem, hell make that problems, were standing before him, also naked and happy in the trouser department. There were seven of them, waiting for his ministrations. All erect and throbbing and waiting in a line (the British are very orderly whist queuing)

Of course, as captain, Flint went first. Or came first, whichever you prefer.

Percy awakes, drenched in a sticky mixture of cold sweat and semen, and hopes that his subconscious is playing tricks on him. A teeny voice in the back of his mind reminds him that he did do that, but he tries to shrug it off and think about nice things. Like Wood. Naked. Covered in butter. Ready to be basted...or something that begins with ‘b' anyway.

However, the grandfather clock in the kitchen chimes one and from out of the darkness—a Slash fairy appears, this time with a neat little goatee and nicely pressed slacks.

"Alright Perce my man? I is da Slash fairy of Slashes present and we is goin', righ'?"

Although the fairy reminds Percy of a Muggle ‘comedian' Ali G, he is compelled to follow it, strangely looking forward to what his psyche has to say about his current fantasies.

"Why are we at the Ministry?" Percy is strangely confused, given that Wood is his fantasy bunny at the moment. He follows the Slash fairy without a murmur, just wanting to get this over and done with.

The grunts and screams can be heard from down the corridor as the past into the depths of the building and pass along the boiler rooms.

Again they walk into the room through the closed door, but the sight that greets them makes Percy go rather green. He is sprawled naked on an ancient desk, playing with himself as Cornelius Fudge takes the usually taciturn Barty Crouch on a mouldy looking pile of carpet.

The wobbling flesh from the Minister is nothing compared to the horror Percy feels when he sees that Mr Crouch's usually neat and tidy hair is falling over his face, and his moustache is ruffled.

Alternative Percy gives a small grin as he slides off the desk and pads towards the rutting pair, a gleam in his eye and what looks like a makeshift whip made of bootlaces in one hand. As he stands watching the flabby flesh of Crouch melding into the slightly mottled and grey body of Crouch, he starts of flagellate himself.

"You is knowin' that you is one twisted fuck, righ'?" asked the Slash fairy, but Percy has bolted, missing Perverted!Percy fall upon the two elderly men and start to lap at their lovemaking equipment.

Luckily when Percy awakes this time, he is only covered in a thin sheen of perspiration and no other fluids. Indeed, he is surprised he hasn't pissed himself at the horror of it all. Deciding he knows the routine by now — the fairies always come on the stroke of one — he decides to make himself a hot chocolate.

Unfortunately for Percy…

"WEASLEY—PERCY WEASLEY—COME WITH ME TO FACE THE FUTURE!"

The lad turns in shock, accidentally pouring scalding water on his hand.

"Blimey mate, are you okay?" Percy blinks back tears and stares at the newest Slash fairy. Glowing red eyes under a black and ragged hood glare at him, long filthy black robes hanging from shoulder to ground. It is as menacing as a twelve-inch high creature that should have wings and a tutu can be. The robes are a little too short, though, to hide the exquisitely Gucci-shod foot

"It's you! The first one! What happened to the voice"

"Yes, I am the first, the last, the all. It's a Slash fairy hierarchy thing. The voice? It's a gimmick—one of those voice distorters that Muggles have."

"And the eyes?"

"Contacts. I go to great lengths for the dramatic effect. Look, can I take this stupid robe off?" Percy nods. "Come on, we've got to see the future"

"Why are you early?"

"Want to keep you on your toes. Come on!

They stalk through a graveyard, a suitably creep and evil looking one at that. If Percy had been paying attention, which he isn't, he would have seen a grave for a family called ‘Riddle.' Nah, it isn't that family, but it could have been.

In a clearing up ahead, Percy can hear voices and the screams of someone either in pain, pleasure, or both. As they creep nearer he can see its himself; writhing on the ground, while someone tall and exuding a certain sense of malevolent evil stands over him.

"Prepare him well, Wormtail. I want his nice and stretched before I enter."

Percy can see no one touching him, but what did this man mean, prepare him well? Surely something —

He pauses as he sees something far too clearly in the moonlight. This alternative Percy stops wiggling, but relaxes as first a twitching nose followed by a now not so sleek head and then a definitely rattish body emerges from Percy. It was undoubtedly Scabbers emerging from an area that looked uncomfortably like alternative!Percy's rectum.

"I feel sick," he whimpered to no one in particular.

The Slash fairy gave a grin almost as evil as the tall man was. "Wait ‘til the Dark Lord has you up the arse then, dear—wait! Where you going?!"

But Percy was hotfooting it across the cemetery like a gazelle on steroids.

It is a total shock for the Weasley parents when their third son apparated into the kitchen and screams "Mum! Dad! I'm gay! I don't want to be buggered by You Know Who" and then promptly faints.

The Slash fairy smiles and feels righteous. Not only has Percy confessed all, but the Fairy has had fun torturing him — it serves the squit right. How dare he try and squash the Slash fairy with a blotter!
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Neville Longbottom and the Portkey of Perversion