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Not Going To Let You Go	By : lilvior Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male Views: 900 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

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Title: Let Go

Author: Lilvior

Rating: R (possibly lower)

Summary: Lupin can�t handle the loss, depression goes a lot deeper than anyone realises.

Warning: Spoilers galore for OotP, but not for HBP. Character death. Naughty language. I sort of hint at some m/m, but don�t worry; nothing actually happens.

Archive: I would be honoured.

Disclaimer: I don�t own the characters, if I did, Sirius would still be alive. Song belongs to New Found Glory, though I can�t remember what the Hell it�s called.

Rant: God DAMN JKR that stupid woman. Okay, she evoked a reaction, which is exactly what she was trying to do; so maybe killing the best character in the series wasn�t a totally retarded move. But Sirius is � was � a hero! Couldn�t he have died a hero�s death? Jumping between Harry and Voldemort or something?

Anyway

When Molly arrived at seven o�clock that evening � the fourth evening since the tragedy � she was pleasantly surprised to see Remus sitting upright, calmly reading that day�s issue of the Daily Prophet.

�Good evening, Molly.� He said, placing the newspaper to one side. He still looked tired, but then he�d always looked tired, something about being a werewolf.

�Good evening, Remus!� She said excitedly, �How are you feeling?�

�Better.� He replied, �A little embarrassed about the whole situation to be honest.� He lowered his eyes, looking rather ashamed.

�Oh you have nothing to be embarrassed about!� Molly sat on the bed next to him, and responded to his sceptical glance with a hug. �You suffered a great loss, it�s only normal that you should be upset about it.� She favoured him with a slightly worried smile, �You should hear what Harry did��

�Harry, how is he?� Remus asked, he�d completely forgotten about the boy, who was probably feeling really guilty about Sirius� death, �What did he do?�

Molly looked around as if she was about to indulge Remus in top-secret information.

�Well, according to Phineas, he completely trashed Dumbledore�s office.� She whispered.

Remus grinned. That was exactly what James would have done.

�I should probably talk to him.� He said. Suddenly he wasn�t alone, he�d had a miniature James at Hogwarts all along. Someone who knew how much pain he was in.

�Oh yes, you must.� Molly said, �Tomorrow you must go with Moody, Tonks and Arthur to meet him at Kings Cross.�

�Oh.� Remus said, rather startled that they expected him to be up and out of bed so soon. He wasn�t sure himself if he could handle seeing people yet. �Do you think I�ll manage it?� he asked.

�Of course. The potion that Severus made for you has already made you ten times better, if you remember to take tomorrow�s dose, you should be fine.�

Remus turned his head and stared at the empty tankard by his bed.

There were two more doses downstairs, one for tomorrow afternoon and one for the afternoon after that. When they were all gone, he�d be cured.

Great.

Somehow that wasn�t much of a comfort.

�Molly, I�� Remus grabbed her hand, �I just wanted to say thanks.�

She smiled.
That evening the Order held a meeting, from which Remus chose to abstain. However, once it had been established that there was no new information, the group decided to dissolve the meeting and spend the evening drinking and playing cards. Dumbledore himself invited Remus along to join them, and the werewolf agreed. As soon as he entered the drawing-room, he was greeted with numerous queries about his mental state, most cleverly disguised as; �How are you holding up� (Tonks), �We�re all very sorry� (Arthur), and the more brazen; �Just don�t go killing yourself now� (Mad-Eye). Remus smiled politely,

�I�m feeling much better, thanks.� He replied a little guiltily, as if he shouldn�t be feeling better yet. He looked around the table, taking in the faces.

Snape sat at the end of the table, shuffling two decks of cards together, he was the only one not smiling. Next to him sat Kingsley, Tonks, Mad-Eye and � surprisingly � McGonagall, with a cane propped up against her chair. On the other side were Dumbledore, Molly and Arthur, there was also an empty chair where Remus assumed he should be sitting.

Remus sat down and gratefully accepted Tonks� offer of a drink, though when she dumped the bottle of fire-whiskey down in front of him he was a little taken aback.

�You look like you need it.� She explained.

The first few rounds of Black Jack were uneventful, Dumbledore and Mad-Eye were winning alternate hands, until Severus pointed out Moody�s eye, and Tonks poked it out and put it in a small lead lined box.

Once he�d loosened up, Remus found himself laughing along with the others in their playful accusations that Dumbledore was cheating. He noticed out of the corner of his eye, that Severus was still stony-faced, and so threw him a questioning look. Snape leaned across the table whilst everyone else was engaged in trying to work out how it was that Dumbledore kept winning,

�I think you should slow down.� He said, quietly.

�Slow what down?� But it came out slurred and Remus instantly understood, �Oh.�

Remus dealt the next hand, he collected all the cards up then went to take his wand from his pocket to zap-shuffle them.

�Where�s my wand?� he asked, confused. Everyone turned and looked at Dumbledore, who removed the wand from the inside of his own robes. There was a moment of awkward silence before Dumbledore explained.

�You were in a terrible state, I was worried you might hurt yourself.�

�Deliberately?� Remus asked, curious, he wanted to know who here believed he would have hurt himself.

�Or by accident.� Dumbledore replied, he passed the wand across the table and smiled as Remus took it from him. After a quick look at it though, he decided to shuffle the muggle way; one of the many tricks Sirius had taught him, it felt good to put a dead man�s knowledge to use. Without any more fuss, he dealt the hand, and everyone groaned as they saw their cards. Remus noticed he had the queen of hearts; she looked up at him alluringly and tossed her blonde hair over her shoulder. Remus smiled. His next card was the jack of spades. Only it wasn�t.

It was Sirius.

He looked up, wearing a mischievous half-smile, and winked.

Remus cried out in shock.

�That bad a hand, Rem?� Tonks asked, grinning. Remus nodded, he didn�t want them thinking he�d gone mad, it was probably only a hallucination� And sure enough, when he next looked down at the jack, it was wearing a stern face, and barely glanced back up at Remus. He looked at the bottle of fire-whiskey and decided, seeing as how he�d drunk half of it already, that he�d leave the rest for another night.

They finished up at around two in the morning, everyone but Dumbledore feeling glad they hadn�t played for real galleons. As they stood, Remus noticed a small movement out of the corner of his eye.

Not another hallucination he thought, but it wasn�t, they had all noticed Kreacher enter the room.

Remus was frozen to the spot, he faintly heard Dumbledore ask what the house-elf was there for, considering he no longer had a master living there.

�Kreacher has come for his pictures.� It proclaimed, merrily, �The pictures of his mistress.�

Before anyone could stop him, Remus had pulled out his wand and yelled a curse at the elf.

�You treacherous, murdering, BASTARD!� He screamed, willing all his hatred into the small piece of wood he held before him.

Kreacher dropped dead then and there.

�Think you�re gonna get your head on that wall?� Remus cried, lifting his foot above the dead elf�s head, �Well, you�re wrong.� He stamped on the small skull, smashing it on impact, sending blood and brains squelching all over the carpet.

No one stepped forward to stop him, so Remus continued to smash the body into the carpet. Eventually he backed away until his back hit the wall, and he stood there observing what he had just done. If he had known how Dumbledore had been standing up for the elf in front of Harry just a couple of days ago, he probably would have tried to squash the old man as well.

Surprisingly, it was Snape who stepped forward and put a hand on Remus� shoulder.

�I think maybe you should go to bed now.� He said, in as gentle a voice as he had ever used, he didn�t want to risk getting anyone else hurt, and he could tell that right now Lupin was a man on the edge; the alcohol obviously hadn�t mixed very well with the potion. �I�ll walk you up there, and I�ll come wake you up when it�s time for your medication.� It wasn�t gentle after all � it was just patronising. Severus must have been getting such a kick out of humiliating him in front of what remained of the people who knew him. Remus looked up, fully aware of all the eyes on him, they were staring at him as if staring at a stranger. However, he was too tired and more than a little shocked at what he�d just done, to argue, so he let Snape help him up the stairs.

Once in the room, Remus did something else very strange that he would have liked to have accredited to the potion; he hugged Severus. More than that, he draped his arms around the man and hung there. Severus, of course, had no idea what he was supposed to do. Cautiously, he wrapped his own arms around Lupin�s shoulders. He instantly decided he didn�t like the feeling, Remus was too thin, so he used the position to lift Remus up and lie him on the bed. Remus didn�t seem too keen on the idea of letting go though.

�Please stay.� He whimpered, �Please don�t leave me on my own.�

�I have to go downstairs and tidy up your mess.� Severus stated, matter-of-factly. But Remus still wasn�t letting go. �I think I�ll take this back as well.� He plucked the wand from Lupin�s tight grip, and tucked it away under his robes. He sighed, looking at Remus� big golden eyes, he couldn�t help but feel a bit bad. �Don�t worry about it. The elf was a traitor, the Ministry would have wanted him put down anyway.� He got up and left Remus on the bed. �I�ll see you in the afternoon to make sure you remember your potion.� Then he left the room, closing the door behind him.
Remus probably would have fallen straight asleep, he was definitely tired enough. But as he settled down, he heard a short laugh. His eyes flew open and his heart almost stopped. Even in the wizarding world where people apparated and disapparated all over the place, it was scary as hell when you thought you were alone and it turns out you�re not.

�Bloody hell, how long have I been gone?� Sirius said, �Were you really hugging Snape?�

Even in the wizarding world, where pictures talk to you, and ghosts hang around old buildings, hearing the voice of a dead friend was scary as hell.

Remus screamed.

His simple reaction was to pull the covers up over his head, he hid there in Sirius� bed for about ten minutes before gathering the courage to poke his head out and look around the room.

Standing about a foot away from the bed, was Sirius. Alive and well.

Fighting the urge to get back under the blanket, Remus forced himself to speak.

�What are you doing here?� He asked. It seemed a stupid question, but what else was he going to ask? How are you? Dead?

�The question is, what are you doing here?� Sirius asked. Remus frowned, confused. �Moony, you�re in my bed.� Sirius grinned.

�You�re dead.� Remus stated. �This isn�t real.�

�Ah, I can explain all that.� Sirius said, looking a little guilty. �It was a trick.�

�What?�

Sirius pushed Remus back down on the bed, and then sat next to him, he smiled at the surprise in his friend�s eyes when they touched. It was clear that Remus still didn�t believe he was real; he�d expected Sirius� hand to go straight through his body.

�I�m real.� He said, with a huge sigh, he started his story. �All along I�d planned to get hit, that�s why I was deliberately riling up my dear cousin. But I was careful to make sure I had a shielding charm up. When she got me, I hid behind the arch. Thanks to you � I heard you talking to Harry, thanks � everyone assumed I was dead, rather than trying to find out-�

�Why?!� Remus cried, he didn�t feel very well at this moment, he thought he might be sick.

�Yeah, I was just about to tell you, so quit with the interruptions, okay?�

Remus nodded mutely.

�Where was I? Oh yeah. I figured you guys could win the battle without me. But the important thing, is that the bad guys think I�m dead too.�

Pieces of the puzzle were fitting together, Remus had an idea where this was going, but he still couldn�t quite handle that Sirius had come back so easily.

�Now, when they least expect it, I�ll come at them and win the entire fucking war for the good guys!� Sirius finished triumphantly.

�Why did you let me think you were dead for so long?� Remus asked quietly, he�d decided that if Sirius had a convincing argument for letting him suffer so much, then he was real.

�Well, I suspect Voldemort probably has more spies than we know about. I needed you all to act really upset, as you would if I�d really died.� The bigheadedness was there, the complete lack of respect for anyone else�s feelings was there, the utter stupidity of the plan had Sirius� trademark all over it.

�You dick.� Remus said, a small smile starting to form on his dry lips. �I nearly went mad.�

�Nearly?� Sirius queried, �I�d say you totally flipped without me here, I mean, for shit�s sake Moony, when I was waiting to talk to you, you were getting all friendly with Snape.�

�That�s not the worst of it.�

�You�re telling me you did something worse than hugging Snivellus in my bed?�

�I killed Kreacher.� Remus couldn�t quite make eye-contact with Sirius at that point, he was too ashamed.

�Good!� Sirius cried, �Couldn�t stand that little bastard. Did he get his head nailed to that wall?�

�No, it was a bit squished.�

There was silence for a while, some part of Remus� mind still couldn�t comprehend his friend�s return from the dead.

�So�� He started, not quite sure what they should talk about. �Have you been to Harry or Dumbledore yet?�

�No.� Sirius replied instantly. �I need them to act morose. If Harry suddenly gets all happy, Voldemort�s gonna feel it, I think if Harry knows I�m alive, he�ll know.�

It made sense.

�But then why did you come to me?�

��Cos you�re the last of my best friends. I couldn�t let you suffer any more.�

�Yeah, well I was getting better actually. Despite what you think you know, I reckon I could have gone on living just fine without you.�

Sirius laughed,

�Yeah, of course you could, Moony.� He said patronisingly.

�I was being treated by your friend Snape, he�s been making an anti-depressant potion for me-�

�Doing what?� Sirius asked, alarmed,

�Just something to help me �get over my loss�, I�ve only got to take it for a couple more days.� Remus laughed inwardly, he wouldn�t be needing that anymore, would he?

�You�ll have to tip it down the sink.� Sirius said. His face had taken on a strange expression.

�Why? I could just tell him I feel better�� But even as he was explaining, he saw Sirius� point. How could he have gone from hysterical to fine with just one dose?

�He can�t see you happy, he�s too clever,� Sirius looked disgusted with himself for admitting it, �he�ll work out that I�m alive. But you can�t take that potion if you aren�t depressed. Just tip it down the sink.�

Sirius turned his head towards the door.

�Shit,� he said, �someone�s coming.�

Without a word of good-bye, Sirius jumped off the bed, and climbed out of the window.

Remus was still staring at the open window when there was a knock at the door. He didn�t need to hide his smile, because he wasn�t smiling. There was something strange about the whole encounter.

When Severus let himself in, Remus� face was completely blank, his eyes looked glossy.

�Whom were you talking to?� Severus asked, scanning the room.

�What?� Remus asked, his voice sounded strange, �I was sleeping �til you woke me up, I must have been muttering in my sleep.� Then he offered a smile that could only have been described as scary.

Snape took a few seconds to try and read the expression hidden under that freakish smile.

�This room is starting to smell,� He said, crossing the room, �it�s not very cold at the moment, I�m just going to open the window, maybe I won�t feel so sick when I come to remind you about your medication if this room doesn�t stink so much.� He�d said it before he�d thought. Remus probably liked the smell, it was Sirius. His aftershave, his deodorant, his sweat. Without looking at the werewolf, Severus opened the window; it was a bit stiff, and required a good shove to get open, almost as if it hadn�t been opened in years.

He turned back and looked at Remus who was still staring into space. It was probably a side-effect of the potion; he�d be fine in a few days. Severus knew that so long as Remus continued taking the potion for the whole course, all the side effects would eventually clear up.

He was glad to leave the room, the blank look in the man�s eyes was rather disconcerting.
The next morning, Remus was woken early by a flying alarm clock that fluttered through the open door, planted itself next to his ear, and screeched at him.

Remus sat up straight, with a scream.

He picked up the small red clock and turned it over in his hands. Just as he�d expected, three words were engraved on the underside; �Weasley�s Wizarding Wheezes�. He looked towards the door and saw Fred and George trying to see his reaction. When they realised he�d noticed them, they invited themselves in.

�What do you think of our newest invention?� Fred asked.

�We�re calling them �alarming alarms�, cool name, huh?� George informed him.

�Only seven sickles, but I guess we could sell one to you for six, seeing as how you�re a friend and everything.� Fred offered.

�Oh, uh, what�s the time?� He asked, he�d just noticed that for all the good the clock did waking him up, it didn�t actually tell the time, the hands on the clock�s face spun round continually.

�Eight o�clock.� George said. �Yeah, the little buggers get rather worked up, and then they don�t tell you what the time is.�

�You coming with us to meet Harry and Ron at Kings Cross?� Fred asked. It was at this point that Remus realised he was sitting in bed there talking to two former students, whilst wearing only an old pair of boxers.

�Uhm, yeah, but I�m gonna want to get dressed first.� He said, looking firstly at the boys, then towards the door.

�Oh, okay.� They said, simultaneously then, as they were halfway out of the door, George turned around, �You look a lot better.� He said. Then the door closed behind them, and Remus thought about what Sirius had said. He shouldn�t look happy.

It was going to be hard work looking miserable, when he knew Sirius was alive and well
It turned out not to be very difficult. He kept going through stages of blanking out, he�d be staring into space and he could vaguely hear people asking if he was alright, and then he�d hear someone else telling them that he was fine, just still in shock.

Too right he was in shock, Sirius was alive!

They were meeting Harry at the station at five, which meant he was due to take his next dose of the potion beforehand.

At two Severus tapped him on the shoulder, snapping him out of another staring-fit.

�It�s time.� He said, rather menacingly, Remus remembered that he wasn�t going to take this dose, so he had to get rid of Snape whilst he was �drinking� it.

Turned out not to be a problem, it seemed that Severus trusted him to drink it all up like a good boy. As Remus was pouring it away, he wondered why it was so important he didn�t take the potion. Sure, he wasn�t depressed any more, but would it really have been a big deal if he kept taking it just for a couple more days? He felt so ungrateful throwing it away when Snape had obviously gone to some effort to make it for him.

Well, it was done now, there was nothing he could do about it. Maybe if he was still feeling strange tomorrow, he�d take tomorrow�s dose whether Sirius like the idea or not.

Suddenly he wanted to see Sirius again, he had a nasty churning feeling in his stomach that it might all have been a dream last night. He hung around, feeling slightly light-headed for a couple of hours before going with the others to the station.

Seeing Harry was a great relief. The boy looked nearly as bad as Remus felt. Somehow, all the things he�d been planning to say vanished from his mind. He let Moody do most of the talking and only put his own words forward in a quiet voice. He was pleased when the boy�s awful family looked horrified by them, if only they knew he was a werewolf on top of being a wizard. As Mad-Eye wound up the big fat one, Remus was sorely tempted to tell the damn muggles that any mistreatment of Harry would result in their son being mysteriously torn to shreds one full-moon. But even in Remus� head, it didn�t sound like something he�d say, and there was a big difference between the taunting and threatening for Harry�s sake, and trying to scare the shite out of the bastards just to make him feel better.

When Harry left, Remus had a sickening feeling that he wasn�t going to see James� son again, but he didn�t know why.
A/N: Please review! I�ve only had one review so far and I�m kinda miserable about it, if you�re waiting til I finish it to review then that�s all right. I promise it gets more exciting from here.
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Not Going To Let You Go