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Unwell	By : BeckyHoadley Category: Harry Potter > General > General Views: 3545 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-Unwell
- 2-Ch 2
- 3-Ch 3
- 2
- 3
Granger and Weasley appeared at his door, Granger with a large shopping bag full of... toys. Snape eyed them warily and then let them in.

‘Hi, Professor Snape, I thought we‘d come by and see Harry,‘ Ron announced uneasily.

‘I am sure you are aware Harry--‘

Granger cut in quietly, but firmly, ‘You have to get out, Professor. You look done in. Go see a movie or something. We‘ll keep him amused and safe. I even brought bribes.‘

Snape shook his head. He wasn‘t sure he was leaving yet, at all. Harry would probably have a strongly negative reaction, and as good as their intentions were he doubted these children were prepared to handle what Black had essentially run from.

They found Harry in his room reading a book...or looking at the moving pictures on the pages. ‘Hi!‘ Hermione said brightly plopping down on the bed.

‘Hello...‘ Harry said sucspiously.

‘I‘ve got some new puzzles and Severus told us you were really good at them. Do you think you could help me?‘

Harry glanced at Ron who smiled and said, ‘Don‘t look at me, mate. They‘re beyond me.‘

In that brief exchange Harry was won over, and in minutes was wrangling with one of the wooden puzzles. Hermione looked up and shooed Snape away. After a moment he left. The brat was right. He was at the end of his rope. His head hurt, his heart hurt, and he needed to get away from the grounds.

He went to London. He ate at a nice restaurant and had a s ofs of wine. Then he went back to Hogwarts where he chatted about nothing with Albus. He could see that the Headmaster wanted to ask, but also knew Dumbledore could read him well enough to know that he wasn’t willing or able to discuss this just now. By the time he got back to the Manor Hermione and Ron were sitting in the living room playing exploding snap.

’Harry’s asleep,’ Hermione announced, then wrinkled her nose, ’Where did he get that bear?’

’The attic I believe.’

’Ah well that explains it. That thing must be two hundred years old.’

Snape snorted and they were packing up their things. ’Thank you.’ He said quietly as he escorted them to the door.

’Not a problem,’ Ron said, ’He does still have friends you know.’

’It’s the least we could do, Professor,’ Hermione said as they walked to the door, ’if you ever need help, don’t hesitate to call.’ She paused looking thoughtful, ’Come to think of it, we’ll be back anyway. We all had a good time.’

That night it was Harry who found him sitting in the floor by the window. It was the first time he’d arrived first. A hand fell on his shoulder and he looked up into Harry’s face as Harry sat beside him. ’I can almost think down here sometimes, at night.’ he said softly, and the tone... this was no six year old child in a man’s body, ’I just can’t hold onto it ... but I’m trying.’

’I know.’ Snape said leaning his head against the wall, and closing his eyes. He wasn’t aware that tears were sliding down his temples and disappearing into his hair until a feather light touch brushed one away.

’Dear God,’ Harry said looking with awe at the moisture glistening on his fingers, ’I’m sorry,’ he was still speaking very softly, ’I had no idea how badly this was hurting you. It’s the last thing I wanted.’

Snape was silent for a moment, ’ It isn’t your fault,’ he finally said.

They sat in silence for the rest of the night, but Snape felt the moment Harry lost his tenuous grip on coherency. He began to fidget, picked up the bear and curled up beside him. Snape just closed his eyes again and told himself that at least Harry was still in there and wanted out. There was hope still.

Eventually Snape decided to return to teaching. He needed to get out, he had to use his mind for something more complex than twelve piece jigsaw puzzles. He felt cut off and alone, and he was sure his brain had turned into oatmeal. Harry was becoming more coherent for longer periods of time, but the vast majority he was still extremely childlike, incapable of completing more than the simplest tasks without help. It was a great pride to Harry when he learned to make a peanut butter sandwich and pour milk without spilling.

When he returned to the old castle he hired Hermione and Ron. They helped keep Harry amused and made sure he was safe and fed while he taught his classes or supervised detention. They disappeared in the afternoons and he and Harry would spend a couple of hours together. In the evenings they would return and Ron would play with Harry and Hermione would help him with marking.

It was exhausting and complicated but he felt better for it. Snape honestly wasn’t sure he would have spent much longer locked into the big old house alone with Harry and emerged with his sanity in tact. There were times when he wanted to shake Harry, scream at him, or yell. There were times, even here, when he just didn’t know how much more he could handle. In those moments someone always arrived and he left Harry in their hands, gratefully. Glad that he had managed, again, to escape ripping into Harry and destroying the trust he had in the man he obviously adored.

More than the help and stimulation it was the occasional glimpse of the REAL Harry that kept him going. Late night snippets of conversation. The glimmer of hope that Harry was fighting it and still there. Yet as glad as he was for them they were painful. He learned more about Harry in those brief moments than he had in the years Potter had been his student. What he learned was a revelation. He didn’t simply admire or respect him, he really liked Harry. He was smart and funny and sensitive. Then, of course, the man would slip away from him and the man would be replaced with a child, leaving Snape grasping at nothing, trying to hold on to those too brief moments of mutual understanding.

Minerva proved a surprisingly difficult person to deal with. She insisted, loudly, that all Harry needed was a little push. That Snape was coddling him and enabling him. Minivera wasn’t a vicious woman, by any means. She was however strict and uncompromising. She was strong and demanded others be just as strong as she was. She was, also, ignorant. She had less knowledge than your average first year of psychiatry and mental illness. In her sadly narrow view mental illness was a sign of weakness, something that could be thrown off with determination.

If they were strong enough. Of course the strong never became mentally ill... Knowing all this he dismissed the comment. He had neither the time or energy to attempt to educate an ignorant woman who did not want to learn.

He should have taken her more seriously. His third year potions class was interrupted when Granger tentatively knocked and then entered when he motioned her in.

Speaking so quietly the class couldn’t over hear, ’McGonnogal came and wanted to ’talk’ to Harry. Honestly we didn’ think anything of it. Everyone’s been so nice, but she’s still there and Harry’s--’

’Finish my class,’ he said thrusting his notes at Hermione and storming out of the room.

He found McGonnogal still there, badgering Harry, ignoring Ron’s protests ’ Silence Weasley, Come now, Potter, I know you remember these things. You’re too strong to have become so completely infantile.’ Harry was red faced, his cheeks covered in tears and his nose was running.

’What,’ Snape ground out, ’do you think you are doing?’

’Helping,’ She spat, ’I am sick of this. The boy is fine. He just needs to get over it and move on.’

’Helping?’ Snape repeated incredulously while Ron pulled Harry away. Harry hid his face in the redhead’s shirt, smearing mucous all over the plaid flannel in the process, ’Helping?’ His voice rose as he spoke until he was shouting, ’You meddlesome, incompetent, bitch. Get out and so help me if you get near him again I’ll break your scrawny neck!’

Unwisely, she didn’t leave. Instead she continued, ’yes helping. I can’t believe you of all people are tolerating this. All he needs is a little push. Potters’ been through much worse in his time without retreating into infancy. There’s no reason to believe he should now.’

’You are clearly as utterly stupid as the students. Where do you get your information? Divination?’ Snape sneered, ’Get out of my quarters. Now.’

When she ignored him, making no move to exit, Snape picked her up by her biceps, sat her down outside his door, and then slammed it as she was saying, ’The headmaster will hear of this...’

Snape didn’t care. Let them fire him. He’d like to see the catty old wench survive being raped by every death-eater in the country without mental problems. God damn, santamonious,

’Bitch.’

Snape startled, thinking for a moment that he’d spoken. He only realized it was Ron when he looked up to find the young man’s face as red as his hair, eyes blazing.

’Quite.’ Snape agreed and reached for Harry. Harry nuzzled into him sniffling and whimpering. Snape sat on the ground and Ron followed them. ’It’s ok, Harry,’ Ron said softly, ’she’s just not a very nice lady sometimes. She doesn’t mean to be nasty, but she’s very...’

’Full of herself,’ Snape supplied.

’That’s one way of putting it,’ Ron said with a frown, trying to get his temper under control, ’she just always thinks she knows what’s best.’

’I really didn’t know what she was talking about and she just kept getting loude’

’I know,’ Snape said stroking unruly hair, ’but it really doesn’t matter. She didn’t know what she was talking about either.’

Snape was gratified to find Albus had in fact been told of the incident, with results Minerva had not expected. She was formally reprimanded, and forced to take two weeks unpaid vacation.

That night Harry laughed uneasily about the scene, and said only that McGonnogal had never been particularly forgiving of his weaknesses, and said very little else simply allowing himself to be held. It was clear that returning mental coherence hadn’t taken away the sting of her remarks. Just before he drifted off into the fog again, Harry murmured, ’I’m really not pretending...’

’I didn’t think you were,’ Snape said firmly, but Harry was already gone.

It was during McGonnogal’s ’vacation’ that Snape’s mother died. The owl arrived, he read the letter and contacted Granger and Weasley. They came over at once, much to Harry’s delight. Snape explained as briefly as possible what had happened and that he had to go away for a couple of days to take care of things. He remained as impassive as possible. They took Harry to the Manor, he went to Scotland.

He closed her house. He arranged for her ancestral home to be taken possession of by a distant relative who bore her maiden name. He arranged and then attended the funeral. He dealt with his relatives and returned to France and Snape Manor absolutely exhausted, physically and emotionally. Harry was awake and playing innocently on the rug by the fire. Snape asked Ron and Hermione to stay until Harry slept, feeling incapable of dealing with Harry at the moment.

He locked himself in his study and sat. riedried to think, tried to work and failed both miserably. Finally he just started drinking. He felt like one raw nerve. He was jumpy and agitated. He hadn’t slept since he left, and with luck he’d be drunk enough to pass out tonight. Sparky could keep an eye on Harry when he woke tonight, and would probably even feed him cookies. Quite against his will he found himself remembering that one night they had spent together. Harry clinging to him like an anchor. He surely felt as though he could use an anchor himself tonight.

Ron and Hermione came in to announce that Harry was asleep. One look at his red eyes, shaking hands and pale face and they announced unanimously that they were staying. Snape vetoed the idea rather harshly, but they weren’t offended. They left saying they would check back in a day or two and to call if he needed anything. Snape snorted and slammed the door behind them.

That night Harry found him when he didn’t show up. It seemed Harry was having one of those rare, too brief moments of clarity. When he didn’t answer the knock he just walked in and found Snape sitting in a chair, staring into the fire. Harry knelt beside him and took his hand. ’I’m sorry.’

Snape opened his mouth to speak but couldn’t quite manage. Instead he just squeezed the hand in his gently and sat silently. He hurt. That was the long and short of it. He hurt and he was so damn tired. Harry tugged him down to the floor and he went a bit bemused. Harry was always on the floor...

Arms went around him, a hand found it’s way to his hair and pushed a thick lock behind his ear. Snape shuddered but stayed silent. He knew he was wasting what little time Harry had, and that he would regret it later, but he just couldn’t bring himself to speak. He was sure if he opened his mouth he would make a fool of himself. Harry had already seen more of his tears and pain than anyone in the past forty years.

Finally he managed a gruff, ’It doesn’t really matter. We’d been estranged for years.’ Since Voldemort. She’d been a decent woman who could not comprehend his decisions. She’d never learned that he was spying, and he’d never been able to tell her. It would have compromised her safety and his cover. She had died thinking her son was a Death-Eater.

’Is there anything I can do?’ Harry asked

Snape snorted at the incongruous question. Harry spent his days and most of his nights coloring, how the hell was he going to help.

’I’m here, Severus.’ Harry said astutely, and kissed him softly. ’I don’t know for how long, but I am here now,’ he finished, pulling away barely enough to speak. So close Snape could feel more than hear the words as soft lips and warm air moved against his face.

For however long it lasted, he had found that anchor. He wasn’t aware of much beyond the warm hands and soft reassurances, but it was enough. It was more than enough. He would feel guilty about this later, wonder if he had taken advantage, but for now... He needed this. Needed to hold and be held, touch and be touched. He needed Harry.

’You’re less aggravating when you’re six,’ Snape said as he scrubbed his face with both hands sitting against the maple headboard, sheets and blankets pooled around their waists.

Harry smiled wanly and said, ’I doubt that somehow. I don’t know why I’m still here. I should be locked up somewhere.’

’I did tell you I wouldn’t send you away, you know.’

’Yes but that was before you gave up your life to baby-sit a man who can’t tie his shoes.’

’At least,’ Snape quipped half heartedly, ’you’re toilet trained.’

Harry snorted, ’Well yes, there is that.’

The banter lightened Snape’s mood considerably. It helped, and Harry seemed to know that and didn’t press.

Finally Harry said softly, ’Go to sleep.’ And snape realized he was drifting off, sitting upright ’and take the bear.’

Snape looked down to realize that at some point Harry had summoned him. His nose was replaced by a button from one of his frock coats, ’Why you little...,’

’Go to bed. Get some sleep.’ Harry repeated.

Snape went the last feeling that of lips ghosting his his forehead. He woke up clutching the bear.

Epilogue

That night was the beginning of Harry’s true recovery. It seemed that Snape’s pain brought him back when nothing else could. He was present and himself more and more, though he still had moments when the past would overwhelm him. He no longer retreated to child hood, but would freeze and tremble uncontrollably. Snape would hold him and know that he was fighting not to slip away again and that it wasn’t easy.

One day after a particularly bad episode Harry just lifted his head and kissed Snape. Snape froze for a moment and felt like a pedophile. Harry chuckled softly and said, ’I’m not really six you know,’ and kissed him again. This time Snape responded and kissed him back, opening his mouth to the slick tongue, and wondered if he’d ever have allowed Harry this close if he hadn’t spent the better part of a year taking care of him.

He had seen a side of Harry he would otherwise have never known existed. The boy, no the man’s courage was remarkable. He had come through it all. He had scars, as did Snape, but the trust Harry had in him was absolute. Snape wondered too if that would ever have happened without the past year. He doubted it, quite seriously. The year had been hell, but they had learned and they had gotten through it... together.

Snape wound his arms around Harry and held him closer. He never wanted to let him go. He never wanted to be let go. Snape nipped an ear lobe and Harry gasped quietly and pushed closer into his body and warmth. ’I love you,’ Harry said simply.

’I know,’ and he did. There was no doubt in his mind that Harry loved him, or that he loved Harry. After all they had endured there was no other way for this to end. They had come through fire, and it had fused them, melded their hearts and souls and lives together. He could no more chosen to not love Harry than he could have grown another limb.
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Unwell