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Codename: Creampuff	By : Tigerrr Category: Harry Potter > Het - Male/Female > Lucius/Hermione Views: 16839 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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***DISCLAIMER***JKR owns everything but Lucius� panties,
which I stole ;)

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Why these things had to happen to him, he�d never
understand.� He had been haled off by
Hermione Granger to a Muggle store, and something known as a �sports bra� was
being thrust underneath his nose.� �Go
on, try it out,� his companion urged.

He stared at it.� �Do
strippers wear these?� he asked doubtfully (no witch he�d ever been in intimate
contact with had ever worn such a thing) as well as a bit too loudly.� Several other Muggles tutting
over the undergarments looked up at him with scandalized expressions on their
faces and Lucius simply glared back at them, demanding to know exactly what
they were looking at as he snatched the piece of fabric from her hand.� �Is it going to fit? It�s not as if I have
breasts on a regular basis,� he hissed angrily.

In response, she simply dumped four more of the contraptions
into his arms and gave him a push towards the fitting rooms.� �But I can�t go in there, I�m not a-� he
stopped suddenly and looked back at Hermione with narrowed eyes, daring her to
say something.� When no reply was
forthcoming, he went inside one of the empty stalls and slammed the door behind
him.

Much later, they had both been outfitted with exercise gear
and Hermione was dragging him into various �health clubs� until she pronounced
herself satisfied and signed both of them up for membership without consulting
him.� �It�s so lovely that we agree on something,�
Lucius said sarcastically when they returned to her flat.

He was unprepared for her annoyed response and the finger
thrust in his face (perilously close to his left eye � what was she
thinking?).� �If you have any other ideas
on how we can learn to do this, I�d love to hear from you.� I don�t like this situation any more than you
� no, I actually think I have a higher
level of dislike � so stop acting as if the world is out to get you�you�re not that important,� she
hissed.� Well, well � the little
Gryffindor had a backbone after all.�
He�d have thought all the kowtowing to her beloved Headmaster�s every
whim would have long since drained the independence and fire from her
personality.� �Here are the schedules�
she thrust them into his hands suddenly �and our first class is
in the morning, so get your things ready by 8.��

Lucius glanced down at the papers she had given him as she
disappeared in to the bathroom for a shower, muttering to himself.� �Aerobic step, Firm and Tone�.Cardio Funk? What in Merlin�s name�?� he
looked up at the still-closed door quizzically, but returned his attention to
the papers.� �Oh, here it is � Aerobic
Strip Dance.�� He harrumphed and entered
the room he was currently occupying, hearing Hermione move out of the bathroom
and into her room.

He hurled himself on the bed to look through the other
papers she had shoved at him, and quickly found content enough to irritate him
anew.� �Weight training? I�m not fat,� he exclaimed in dismay, loud enough
for Hermione to hear him and start laughing.�
Sweet Merlin � every time he thought himself beyond the �Why Me?� stage
of his current existence, something like this had to pop up and make his life
miserable.

�The next morning he
was rudely awakened by Crookshanks leaping onto his
head in lieu of the Muggle �alarm clock� that had nearly frightened him out of
his wits the last time it had began beeping�he still wasn�t sure if Hermione
had purposely set it to ring in the middle of the night, and wasn�t about to
ask.� Moments later his flatmate had flung the door open and began to castigate him
for sleeping too late, tossing a variety of items onto his face.� �Time to get up � you can�t stay in bed all
day as usual!� she trilled
happily.� Lucius dragged himself out of
the bed reluctantly, his eyes falling upon the alarm.� Five
o�clock?� She must be out of her tiny mind, he thought with a marked lack of
venom � it was, after all, far too early for any emotional excess.� It was also too early to run through the list
of spells he could perform with without a wand � ever since he had been
�rescued� from Azkaban it seemed as if his body was trying to make good on the
sleep debt he had incurred while incarcerated and though he was able to wake
earlier each day, he still found it hard to get out of bed.

�Why are we up so early?� he groused into the pillow,
kicking off the blankets in an unladylike fit of pique.

�We�re doing warm-ups!�
she scolded, as if he should know that already.�
The only �warm-up� he had any interest in performing had to do with
hauling the blanket over his head and going back to sleep, and he informed her
of this in no uncertain terms.� Hermione
simply pulled him out of the bed by tugging on his hair, and guided him out
into the main living area to bully him into doing stretches with her.� He was too tired to put up much of a fuss and
complied half-heartedly until he sensed her attention was elsewhere and took
the opportunity to sneak back to his room and into the still-warm bed.� This time, despite the chair he had placed
under the doorknob, she found a way to get at him by dumping a load of
never-melting ice straight into his pyjamas.

*****************************************

When they finally arrived at the health club Lucius forgot
that he was still furious with the witch, and stopped mid-shiver to stare about
him at the numerous Muggle women.� This might not be such a bad idea after all,
he thought.� �The showers�they�re separate,
correct?� he asked with faux-apprehension.�
Please say they�re communal,
please say they�re communal, he prayed silently.

His companion shook her head at his na�vet�. �Lucius,
they�re communal showers.�

Yes. He was
hard put to maintain an appropriately crestfallen expression on his face, so
ducked his head and sighed dramatically.�
Severus would be positively green with envy once he told him, he thought
gleefully.

As far as Muggle establishments went (not that he frequented those kind of places, mind) this was rather
impressive � there were several different open areas filled with comely women
stretching, bouncing about, and � he stopped to stare at one class, whose
participants were performing the most incredible movements �doing whatever that was.� That
turned out to be �Yoga� when he read the schedule for that day.� He wouldn�t mind running into a witch who
could bend like that� a hand waving in front of his face recalled him to
reality, with Hermione scowling at him.�
�I�m not going to have to do that�whatever that is, am
I?� he asked, hoping she hadn�t correctly interpreted the look on his
face.� Thankfully, she hadn�t, and
pointed him over to where a tiny woman wearing a whistle around her neck and
bouncing on her toes was beaming at them for some reason.�

�Hi there, ladies; you must be Hormone and Lucy,� she
gushed.� Hormone?� Lucius looked over to Hermione delightedly at
this mispronunciation to see her glaring at him as if it were his fault she had
received that atrocious name of hers in the first place.� The overexcited woman (whose enthusiasm was
nothing less than obscene at this time in the morning, in Lucius� opinion) then
proceeded to announce that she was their personal trainer, Joy.� She certainly had �joy� in running her mouth
constantly, he though uncharitably.� �Oh,
and you have such lovely hair,� she
cooed at him.

�My name is Hermione,� the witch asserted suddenly.

�Oh! Silly me, did I say it wrong?� Joy consulted a
clipboard.� �No, I definitely remember saying Hermine,� she warbled happily.� �Isn�t that a sort of fur coat? Moving on�your last names.�
Granger and�? I don�t have a last name for you here, sweetheart.�

Sweetheart? You�ve got to be bloody joking.� Lucius couldn�t help himself.� �Avada Kedavra,� he said solemnly � beside him Hermione snorted
and clapped a hand over her mouth to keep from laughing while Joy dutifully
wrote his name down as Luciana Avada Kedavra, her tongue
poking out from her teeth as she filled in the rest of the form.

�That�s certainly an unusual name!� Well, right this way, girls�� she led them
into a smaller room where she weighed and measured them.

�Pay attention to your own
scale,� Lucius warned when Hermione craned her neck to see his results.�

They were taken up a flight of strange moving stairs and
drilled in the use of the exercise machines until their instructor was
confident that neither of them would accidentally kill themselves � or each
other � on the various machines.� Joy�s
sprayed-on smile became a bit fixed and more like a grimace when Lucius
�accidentally� forgot to spot Hermione correctly when the younger witch tried
out the bench-press apparatus, and it was with relief on both sides that Joy
announced that it was time for their class.

What followed was an event in which Lucius Malfoy would
constantly rue his involvement.� The
entire class, consisting of six other women, was lined up in front of large
mirrors (they could see other women stopping to watch interestedly) and
instructed to �shake what their mama gave them.�� Lucius blinked and looked over at his
partner.� �I want my wand, and I want it
now,� he hissed.� She merely gave him a
sympathetic look and returned her attention to the class instructor who was
turning up a recording on the stereo system � he glanced at the cover, which
screamed Bump and Grind Vol. 12 � Strip
For Your Man! in large bright pink letters with�was
that glitter?� He peered at it
suspiciously.

�Okay, ladies � hands on your hips, aaaaaaaand
one two three�one two three�shake that bum!� The instructions only became more
humiliating from there on out, and it was small comfort to see how appalled
Hermione was � by scrupulously avoiding each other�s eyes they managed to make
it through the hour.�

He had never been more embarrassed in his life � not even
the prospect of the communal showers was enough to mollify him and he proposed
that they leave immediately.� �That
was�horrendous,� he offered when a red-faced Hermione finally turned to him as
the rest of their class filed out chattering excitedly.� �Can we go now?�

�I couldn�t agree with you more�let�s leave.�

*******************************************

After their joint humiliation, Lucius felt much more at ease
with the Muggle born witch, and she with him.�
After a second disastrous class, they decided to rethink their strategy
and work on their natural reactions to their unsavory situation.� Hermione brought out a large piece of paper
and began to work on two diagrams, ignoring Lucius� eyeroll
to label them �Creampuff� and �Bookworm.��
�So�we both know that neither of us is exactly thrilled by this�but we
have to do it anyway,� she said thoughtfully.�
�I don�t want to do this because I feel ridiculous � and I heard you say
that I look like it too, Lucius Malfoy, so you can just stop right now � but
you�re not even a real woman.� Aside from
the embarrassment factor, what�s the real reason you don�t want to do this?�

Lucius looked over at her.�
�Because I was forced into it and had no choice.�

�You could�ve stayed in Azkaban,� she had the audacity to
suggest.

He favored her with a look such as her imbecility deserved,
and sat back to think.� What was Album
Dumbledore�s game?� He began to list the
facts, thinking aloud while Hermione wrote them down carefully.� �Everyone alive � and some of the dead ones
too � knows that Dumbledore had always been eccentric.� They also know that he is most adamantly
against Voldemort�s regime�so while his insane plot
to infiltrate a gentlemen�s club is plausible, why has he chosen us?�

Hermione leaned forward, unconsciously affording him a
direct (and much appreciated) view down the front of the towel she had wrapped
around herself.� �I talked to Molly Weasley after our first day of class and she was telling me
about some of the assignments; some are couples like Draco and Ginny, but some
of the pairings made no sense � like us,� she confessed.�

Lucius� lips had thinned at the mention of his son but
relaxed as he returned to puzzling out the situation, moving over closer to
Hermione to look at the charts she had made.�
�He�s down on me most likely because of all those attempts to sack him,
so I expect all of this is a sort of payback�even though anyone in his right mind would�ve banned him from even setting foot
on the Hogwarts Grounds.� He ignored Hermione�s indignant �Well, I never� and continued.� �From my own school days he must have
remembered how much I detest being forced into anything, so this plays to that
quite nicely and that�� he stopped suddenly.�
�That�s it.� Your precious
Headmaster is setting me up to fail on account of my pride in being a Pureblood
and being forced to do something I would not in a million years participate in,
thus �teaching me a lesson.��

�Well, his plan is working pretty well, I�d say�except for
the lesson part of it.� But now that you
know of �the plan,� what are we supposed to do about it?� she asked,
endangering his train of thought as the towel gapped even further.

A grin that wouldn�t be out of place on a Great White shark
appeared on Lucius Malfoy�s face. �We continue with the plans�on our own terms.�

�Um, yeah.� I don�t get it, Lucius � speak English.�

�What do they say about the best revenge?�

�It�s a dish served cold?�

�No, no � the other saying.�

�The one about success?�

�Exactly.� Yes, that would do quite
nicely�.Dumbledore would be expecting them to fail.� But they wouldn�t. �We have some work to do,
wouldn�t you say?�� Hermione sighed
gustily, then held out her hand for him to shake � and
this time he took it with no hesitation.�
They would show that old man a thing or two yet.

TBC

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Codename: Creampuff