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Happiness	By : SlytherinWench Category: Harry Potter > Het - Male/Female > Draco/Hermione Views: 2307 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. And I do not make money from these writings.

Chapter List
- 2
- 3
- 4
Chapter 3

Hermione had finished up her dinner
rather quickly, pushing her plate away just as Ron and Lavender walked in to sit
down.

�� Oy,
�Mione, you leaving already?� The red headed boy had asked her as she stood up,
grabbing her bag.

�� Yes
Ron. I�m heading to the library to study. I don�t want to fall behind. The
Ministry and Professor McGonnagal were kind enough to allow us a second chance
at our last year, I don�t intend to disappoint them by
slacking off. Something you should keep in mind if you want to be accepted as
an Auror.� She replied back, a bit of a bite in her voice as she stalked out of
the hall, leaving some confused friends behind her. Where had that come from?
She didn�t feel angry at Ron and yet she was being snarky to him. She really
needed to work on getting her emotions under control. �That was the problem lately, she felt like she
had no control over herself. Some days she would be so emotional she would
randomnly burst into tears or go off on a rampage. Some days she didn�t feel
anything at all, she would be completely numb, unable to even lift her head off
her pillow. Oh, she had her good days though. Days where she felt almost normal
again, where smiling and chatting agreeably with her friends- but those days
were few and far between.

Hermione entered the library,
absorbing the silence within it. She loved coming to the library, it gave her
space and quiet so she could work and distract herself with essays instead of the
disconcerting thoughts that were polluting her brain. She sat down at a desk in
the far back corner of the library and pulled out her potions homework. When
she had first come back to school, going to potions and not seeing Professor
Snape was rough on her. He may have been a sharp-tongued, sarcastic bully, but
he had been her favorite professor because he always pushed her to do better.
Walking into his old classroom and seeing some other person standing at the
board had caused a sharp stab of guilt and remorse to course through her. She
had stood above him, watching the blood flow from the wounds on his neck. She
had heard his whispered words to Harry as his soul slowly left his body. She
had seen all of this, knew he was a spy for the Order, her favorite professor,
and she had left him there to rot. Her brilliant mind couldn�t think of
anything to do to save him. Hermione Granger, the girl with all the answers,
hadn�t been able to help yet again.

A sigh escaped her mouth as she
reigned in her thoughts and started reading the required chapter for her
homework. She had to stop doing this to herself. She had to stop wallowing in
the past- she couldn�t change it. All she was doing was making herself worse and she knew it. �So, why can�t I stop myself?�
she thought silently. �How can I keep myself from myself?� Her mind offered up
no solution to the question posed. Instead, it worked on making sense of what
she was reading so Hermione could write her essay.

A shadow appeared over her paper
and Hermione looked up to see Harry standing over her.

�� This
seat taken?� he asked. Hermione waved her hand at the chair to let him know he
could sit then turned back to her work. She had no idea what to say to him, so
she would wait for him to talk first. �You okay �Mione? You haven�t really
seemed like yourself lately.�

Hermione sat back, dropping her
quill on the table, and sighed. �I�m fine Harry. I�ve just been feeling a bit
stressed trying to make sure I make top marks. I..�
Hermione paused in her statement. �I want to do my parents proud.� She finished
softly. Hermione hadn�t meant for that last part to slip out, but she felt a
little better that it had. If anyone understood the feeling of making their
parents proud, it was Harry. It was what he had spent his whole life doing.

�� Oh
�Mione, I know what you mean. And you will make your parents proud. You�re the
smartest witch of our age, remember? You helped your best mates defeat the most
evil wizard known to man. I guarantee they�re already proud of you. I know I
am.� He gave her a bright smile and wrapped his arm around her shoulders in a
hug. Hermione felt tears well up in her eyes. For a moment she had wanted to
open up to Harry, to tell him everything she was feeling. But seeing that huge
smile on his face, the positivity in his voice, she knew she couldn�t bring him
down. When Voldemort was alive, Harry always had a haunted, lost look in his
eyes. She didn�t see that now, and she didn�t want to be the reason to bring it
back.

She swallowed her sadness and gave
Harry a huge grin back. �Thanks Harry. That means a lot to me.� Hermione
wrapped an arm around his shoulders and hugged him back. She didn�t deserve a
friend like Harry. She didn�t even deserve Ron. Poor Ron, she had snapped so
badly at him. �I suppose I should find Ron and apologize, eh?� She looked up at
Harry sheepishly.

He smiled at her and squeezed her
again, �Might be a good idea. You did snap at him a bit, not that it wasn�t the
truth, but the bloke�s feelings were a bit hurt.�

Hermione sighed, �Ok, I will find
him when I�m done with my studies. Promise.� She gave Harry a smile as she
picked her quill back up and started working again. Harry sat silently watching
her until she looked up at him again. �Something else on your mind Harry?� she
asked.

Harry looked like he was going to
say something and then closed his mouth, �No, no. Just amazed at how hard you
work is all �Mione. Don�t forget to breathe, ok?� He gave her a wink and stood
up. �Catch you later in the common room.� And he was gone. Hermione let out a
breath she hadn�t known she was holding. Why was it so hard for her to converse
with her best friend? Ah! She wanted to scream and just get all her frustration
out. Instead, she turned back to her work, hoping that nothing and no one would
come and distract her.

The hours seemed to fly and pretty
soon it was almost time for curfew. Hermione gathered up her books, quills and
papers, shoving them haphazardly into her bag. She made her way out of the
library, nodding in salutation to Madame Pince as she walked past the
librarian. Hermione slowly wandered the halls, weaving her way back to the
Gryffindor common room. She wasn�t in a rush to get back to her friends. She
knew she needed to apologize to Ron but she didn�t know what to say. �Sorry I snapped
at you because I can�t control my emotions� didn�t seem like the best choice. It
made her feel like a simpering fool. �Hermione huffed. She felt like she was running
in a giant circle. Every time she thought she had her emotions under control,
she surprised herself by falling into a daze, a guilt trip or she started
snapping for no reason. She was tired of it all.

Before she knew it Hermione was at
the entrance to Gryffindor tower. She gathered her courage, took a deep breath
and opened the portrait door. As it was almost curfew, very few people were
left in the common room. A few sixth and seventh years camped out on different
couches and chairs, seemingly finishing up some last minute homework. Ron, Harry,
Lavender and Ginny sat off to the side at one of the tables, an intense
conversation going on amongst them. Hermione made her way over to them.

�� Hey
guys,� She started. �Ron, could I speak to you for a minute please?� Hermione
gave him a sheepish smile to let him know she wasn�t going to bite his head off
again.

Ron looked up at her and nodded. As
he started to get up, Lavender pulled him back into his chair. �I think
Hermione can say what she needs to say in front of all of us. After all, she
had no problem doing so earlier.� The blonde stated, a bit of an edge to her
voice. Hermione frowned and shrugged. Lavender did have a point.

�� Ron,
listen, I wanted to say I�m sorry for what I said earlier. I was stressed about
school work and you know how I get. But you definitely didn�t deserve me being
rude to you. I hope you can forgive me for being...� Hermione paused, trying to
find the right word.

�� Bitchy?�
Lavender supplied. A loud gasp echoed off the walls. Everyone grew quiet and
all eyes turned to look at Lavender. She was standing with her hands crossed
over her chest, her left foot out as if tapping in impatience. An unpleasant
look was on her normally beautiful face. Hermione was dumbfounded and she
stared back at the girl in shock. �What? Someone had to finally come out and
say it, so I will. You�ve been acting like a right bitch lately Hermione, and
for no good reason. You shun your friends when they want to spend time with you,
you snark at them every time you open your mouth. You need to get over
yourself- the war is over, the Light won, He Who Must Not Be Named is dead. Try
acting happy for Merlin�s sake.�

Hermione stood in silence for a
moment letting Lavender�s words register in her mind. Act happy. She made it
sound so simple. Act happy. Hermione thought she had been putting on a rather
good show of being happy lately, but apparently her mask was slipping off more
and more. But how dare Lavender tell her how to feel? The girl was an utter
idiot, she wouldn�t know common sense if it knocked on her door wearing a name
tag. She straightened her back and fixed the girl with her best stare, eyes
hard and cold.

�� Why,
you�re right Lavender. I should be dancing in the streets now that Voldemort is
gone,� she emphasized his name. �I should be throwing a party every night. I
mean, there�s absolutely nothing to be sad over, is
there? How could I be so foolish as to be sad now that the war is over and
everyone is safe and sound�� Hermione paused, her
voice dropping almost too low for them to hear. �Only that part�s not right, is
it Lavender? Not everyone is safe and sound. A lot of our classmates, our
professors, our FAMILIES are dead. Gone. Never coming back.� Hermione threw her
hands up in the air, �But you�re right, I should be celebrating. How selfish of
me to not be.� And with that, she turned on her heel and marched up to her
room.

Hermione grabbed her heavy cloak
and Harry�s invisibility cloak from her trunk. She threw it around her and then
silently crept out of the room back downstairs. Her friends were still sitting
at the far table, but she just continued walking through the common room and
out the door. She didn�t care if anyone saw the portrait open and close on it�s own. Hermione wanted some time to herself, she wanted
to be away from everything right now, and she knew of only one place where she
could go- the astronomy tower.

She moved silently through the
halls, her feet light but quick on the stones. Her years sneaking around the
castle, amongst other places, had greatly enhanced her skills for moving
swiftly and soundlessly. Every doorway she passed seemed to bring her back to
that night- the final battle. After the battle was over, she had helped go
around and search for survivors and catalogue the dead. Colin Creevey and so
many others were just lying dead on the floor. She had had to step over and
around their bodies, she had gazed at their faces. All
she saw was death, sightless eyes staring back at her from familiar faces. She
had wished it was her lying on the floor, her lifeless body being looked over,
instead of them. She would have gladly traded her life to bring back every
single one of them. If only she could.

Hermione quickened her steps,
trying to keep ahead of her thoughts and soon she was at the door to the tower.
She opened it up, closing it behind her and made her way up the steps to the
outer door. Hermione pushed the large wooden door open just enough for her body
to fit through, then closed that behind her as well. She pulled the cloak off
the top of her head as she walked over to the edge of the tower. Tears were
streaming down her face and she didn�t know why. She just knew she was hurting
and didn�t know how to fix it.

�� Well,
well. What have we here- The Gryffindor Princess sneaking out and breaking
curfew? Tsk Tsk Granger. You�re setting a bad example for the other students.�
Hermione jumped at the voice. She had heard it so many times before, always in
that same belittling tone. She spun around to face Draco Malfoy, her tears
still running unchecked down her face. She didn�t care if he saw her cry. She
didn�t care if he called her every dirty name in the book. She just didn�t care
anymore. Hermione looked at Draco for a moment, and then sunk to her knees,
sobs wracking her tiny body. She just wanted to die. She didn�t want to deal
with her rollercoaster of emotions, with the guilt, with the angry friends,
with the daily reminders of her failures. It was all too much for her.

�� Please,
just kill me.� She whispered through her tears.
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Happiness