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Harry Potter and the Serving of Justice	By : MikiNDaxxi Category: Harry Potter > General > General Views: 16660 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: We own no part of Harry Potter or his magical world and make absolutely no money by wasting our time writing this sludge. We did not create these characters; we just abuse them ad gratis. Our humble apologies to the disclaimer police.

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Hermione stood, facing the cliff ledge, a crowd of people stood behind her, watching. She threw open her arms in an appeal to the cliff gods saying, “Oh, cliff gods! We present to you, PERCY…and a number of other distasteful characters.”

She looked behind her as Lavender Brown struggled in the grip of the glitterfied dementors. She looked at Hermione, tears streaming down her face.

                “Why are you doing this?” she sobbed. “Is this because I flaunted it when I was dating Ron? I thought you didn’t even like Ron!”

Hermione chuckled and patted her on the head.

                “Oh, I don’t. But I don’t like you, either. The fact that you’re named after not one, but two colors grates on me like none other. Only animals should be named after colors.” She smiled, “Animals are fitting sacrifices.”

Lavender’s eyes widened in terror.

“Don’t worry,” continued Hermione, “your death shall not be in vain! It’s all for the greater good.”

She paused, recognizing the significance of those words and smirked.

Snape gave respect snaps from behind her.

                “I think a see a butterfly,” commented Harry, offhandedly, staring toward the cliff.

Draco tightened his grip on Harry’s leash.

                “Oh, no you don’t,” said Draco.

                “Why the hell am I the one on the leash? I thought the former death eaters were the ones being punished. Aren’t I the hero?” asked Harry.

                “Hush, pet,” crooned Draco. “You look cuter in the collar. Besides, I’m much more sadistic than you. It’s only fitting.”

Harry looked appealingly to Hermione who shrugged.

                “You know you like it, Harry,” she said.

Harry settled back on his haunches, mumbling under his breath. He supposed he did kind of like it.

A glittery cloak caught her eye, and Hermione turned her attention back to her victims just in time to see one of her dementor minions sucking on Percy’s soul like an extra-long spaghetti noodle.

                “Hey!” barked Hermione with a glare. “You’ll have plenty of victims! These ones are sacrifices for the Cliff Gods!”

The offending dementor somehow managed to look abashed (despite having no visible face), holding out Percy’s limp form, as if offering her a taste.



“No,” Hermione waved it off, “I’m cool. You may as well finish him.”

She turned to Lavender who cowered.

“Now,” said Hermione, “where were we?”

Just then, a roll of thunder shook the ground, and lightning crackled in the sky, making Hermione’s hair stand even more on end.

A resounding voice rang out once again.

“HOLD IT. HEY, BITCH. YOU CAN’T DUMP YOUR TRASH HERE. DOES THIS LOOK LIKE A LANDFILL TO YOU?”

The color drained from Hermione’s face. Who the hell did these assholes think they were??

                “What,” she asked in a deadly whisper, “did you call me?”

“BITCH,” replied the voice of the Cliff Gods unconcernedly. “WE WILL NOT COOPERATE WITH TERRORISTS. DO YOU KNOW HOW HORRIFICALLY ANNOYING RON IS? WE DON’T EVEN WANT TO ENTERTAIN THE NOTION OF ACCEPTING MORE OF YOUR POSSE. HE WON’T QUIT BITCHING- EXCEPT WHEN HE EATS. EVEN THEN, IT’S ONLY WHILE HE SWALLOWS…AND WE THOUGHT LISTENING TO PRAYERS WAS IRRITATING…”

“If you weren’t Cliff Gods,” growled Hermione, “I’d kill..er…reeducate you.”

“ANYWAY,” continued the Cliff Gods, “WE’RE NOT CUTTING ANYMORE DEALS.”

Hermione gave a sigh of exasperation and pushed Lavender off the cliff anyway. She looked toward the sky.

“What was that last bit?” she asked, blinking innocently.

If non-visible gods could gape in astonishment, that's what they’d be doing. But they can’t. Let’s not be ridiculous in our anthropomorphizations, shall we?

Hermione gave a little gesture.

“Sevvie, walk with me. I’m bored. These Cliff Gods are boring. Anyway, I think it’s about that time in our relationship where you get me something shiny.” A look of suspicion flashed across Snape’s face.

“Hermione,” he replied in a guarded manner, “we don’t have that kind of relationship. You know I’m not into that kind of-”

“I meant,” Hermione interrupted, “that you need to get me Sirius and Lupin back so they can ‘ship in front of me.”

“Oh,” Snape breathed in relief, “that kind of shiny. Alright, Miss ‘I’m the smartest witch of my age,’ how do you propose we do that now that you’ve pissed off the Cliff Gods?”

“Well,” she started, fiddling with her hands behind her back and twirling her foot in the dirt, “you know how I had that time turner back in third year? Weeell, I sort of obliviated the guy who I was supposed to turn it in to and gave him new memories of himself using the time turner in acts of illicit gay sex in an airport bathroom. He was so frightened, he never mentioned how it went missing to anyone…I think he’s in a home or something now…but that’s another story. Anyway, long story short, I still have it.”



“Let me get this straight,” Snape said, “you’ve been up to this sort of thing since third year?”

She nodded affirmatively.

“Yes,” she said, “I also used the time turner to go back and trademark the name ‘Harry Potter.’ Where do you think we get the funding for indisputable control over the wizarding world, not to mention my extensive vinyl and leather collection?”

Snape stared, awestruck, blinking discoordinatedly. He recovered.

“I did always wonder about that. So, what’s the plan?”

Hermione looked at him as though it were the most obvious thing in the world.

“We’re going to use the time turner to go back in time and stop Dumbledore before he destroys the Resurrection Stone horcrux.” She smirked. “Assemble the Weasley Beater Taskforce.”

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Harry Potter and the Serving of Justice