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Lost and Damned	By : danniperson Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Snape Views: 24087 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, the characters or the world or anything, and I make absolutely no profit from this.

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Lost and Damned

Full of Broken Thoughts

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It all started with Hermione pushing him down onto the bed.

Harry barely had time to put his bag down when Hermione grabbed him and pushed him down, immediately climbing on top of him. Harry pushed himself back onto the bed so that half of his body wasn’t awkwardly hanging off and Hermione followed him eagerly, pressing her lips deeply into his. Her eyes were wild with a desire Harry had never seen before, and it worried him for only a moment before she was pressing her hips into his, pressing her hand between them and into his pants, rubbing his cock to hardness while her free hand grasped his shirt while she kissed him deeply. Harry was too stunned to move for a few moments before he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her closer.

That didn’t last long. Hermione pushed herself up after a few moments and pulled off her shirt before reaching down to help Harry remove his, like she normally did. The movement of his shirt pushed his glasses up and almost completely off of his head. He heard his shirt hit the floor as he pushed his glasses back into position, gasping as he glanced up.

Hermione was no longer straddling him. In her place was Snape, shirtless, and pressing their bare chests together as he leaned down to kiss Harry. Harry moaned in response, pressing his hips up and moaning again at the feel of Snape‘s hardness pressing into his own. His body was bigger and harder and stronger than Hermione‘s softer, delicate feminine form and Harry found himself liking the difference immensely. Even with Hermione on top of him, Harry normally felt like he still held the power between them, but with Snape he felt utterly out of control and submissive. It was a strange yet wonderful feeling…And despite the strangeness of what had just happened, Harry wrapped his arms around the man and held him closer, kissing him back just as passionately as Snape kissed him.

“Harry,” Snape groaned against his mouth.

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“Harry!” Hermione hissed, pushing against his arm.

“Wake up, mate,” Ron added, prodding him from the other side. He didn‘t sound as grumpy as he usually did, allowing a bit of concern to come into his voice.

Harry jumped and sat up, blinking rapidly as he looked down at the notes he’d barely even started on. As usual after these dreams, Harry spent a few moments confused and feeling disappointment fill him when he realized that his fun with Snape had ended. Even more disappointment to learn that it was a dream. And panic when he realized what had happened. Again. Harry shook his head and gritted his teeth. He hated these dreams! Wasn’t he abnormal enough without having those sorts of dreams about blokes? He wasn’t gay, was he? Even if he did get a hard on because of those dreams and even if those dreams were frequent, did it really mean anything? He had been attracted to girls before, right? He’d had an interesting dream about Sinistra one night and he’d gotten plenty aroused from that.

Harry could hardly understand what was happening, but per usual he didn’t want to think about it. He hastily picked up his quill just in time to notice everyone else starting to pack up their stuff and start to leave. Just great. He was going to have to copy Hermione‘s notes later, if he even had time for any of that. Harry began stuffing his things back into his bag while Hermione and Ron hovered nearby him.

“Potter.”

God, that voice. Harry swallowed hard and tried not to think about how much he enjoyed hearing that voice as he glanced up at Snape who was glowering at him with more anger than he had seen in a long time. Harry sighed and motioned his friends to the door and Hermione and Ron glanced from him to Snape before uncertainly heading out of the classroom. Harry knew he was in for it and while part of him was excited by the prospects of his punishment, most of him was freaking out. Any more time spent around Snape than need be was not doing him any good. Harry couldn’t even remember the last dream he‘d had about anyone else, which was disturbing and something he was only just now realizing. That was probably because he saw Snape more than just about everyone, except maybe Hermione.

Whatever it was, Harry didn’t like it.

Snape didn’t bother looking up from the parchment he was scribbling on as he spoke. “Did you simply forget about your detention, Mr. Potter, or do you find that you can now ignore duty and spend all of your time enjoying Miss Granger?”

Harry sighed, wanting to say nothing at all. He knew there was nothing he could say to make anything better or change Snape‘s mind. He knew, however, that not answering could be just as bad. “I‘m sorry, professor, I lost track of time. I realize it‘s not an excuse,” he said, mouth remaining open, wanting to say something more, feeling as though there was more he should say, but unable to really think of anything else. He quickly closed his mouth and cleared his throat, his mind quickly falling into the gutter again and he felt his stomach churning yet again as he mentally berated himself for the mental images and those disgusting thoughts about the teacher right in front of him.

“Luckily your stupidity has done some good. You have detention for the next two weeks. For skipping last night’s detention and for falling asleep in my classroom. It truly is a pity we have to waste our time preparing you instead of punishing you properly.”

Harry resisted the urge to shudder at his words, and not necessarily out of fear or horror. He did not need to add being punished by Snape to his list of things to think and dream about. He wasn’t exactly into pain, he didn’t think, but suddenly the idea of being bent over Snape’s lap or his desk with his pants around his ankles didn’t seem like the worst idea in the world. Harry swallowed hard as he felt his member stirring, silently praying that Snape would dismiss him soon and that his half hard member would behave.

“Don‘t be late.”

“Yes, Professor.”

With that, Harry turned and walked out of the room as quickly as he could without humiliating himself. He really needed to see Hermione soon. This was all getting so much worse and he had no idea what to do about it. The affects of his little “agreement” with Hermione were fading fast and Harry was feeling desperate. Didn’t he have enough to worry about with Voldemort back around? Hadn’t his entire life been messed up enough without all of this interfering, too? Didn’t he deserve to have a little peace and normalcy for once in all of his life? Harry liked to think so, but he hadn’t been lucky so far and no matter what he thought, it didn’t’ seem like fate was going to be smiling down on him anytime soon.

It wasn‘t that Harry found Snape revolting. No, that was the problem. Snape wasn‘t the ugly bat in the dungeons everyone liked to say he was. Harry wasn‘t disgusted by his appearance at all, though thinking beyond that simple fact would be painful. He didn‘t dare think that he found any part of the Potions Master attractive. And that was what horrified him so much…What made his stomach twist in horrible knots. It was knowing how wrong this was and how sickened he should be by the thought of being touched by that man that disturbed him most of all.

Hermione and Ron were kind enough to wait around the corner for him. Even though Susan had joined them and Ron was holding her hand, Hermione was still there and Harry felt a rush of warmth run through him. He was grateful to have his friends around right now and even more grateful that Hermione was putting up with being around Ron and Susan just to wait for him.

“How was it, Harry?” Hermione asked uncertainly, that look of guilt in her eyes making Harry feel bad. It wasn’t entirely her fault they had forgotten to set the alarm and he had been late. It was his own responsibility to make sure he was there and he had messed up. He was going to have to make sure to reassure her of that later…But as much as Hermione might have liked to rub their time together in the Room of Requirement in Ron’s face, Harry was not inclined to bring it up.

“Two weeks of detention,” Harry said with a shrug and Ron looked horrified.

“That slimy bastard!” Ron exclaimed.

“50 points from Gryffindor, Weasley.”

Ron groaned and closed his eyes, squeezing Susan‘s hand as Snape swept past them. Hermione bit her lip, doing her best to stifle laughter. Harry had to refrain from laughing himself, though he had a better control over his facial expressions than Hermione did. Ron just glared at her and muttered and walked off with Susan. Harry just sighed and took Hermione‘s hand and followed after. Ron seemed to have forgotten that detention wasn't necessarily a bad thing these days. Just a better excuse to squeeze in much needed lessons. But Ron seemed to be in a piss poor mood and it didn't matter much...The damage had already been done.

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Harry spent most of the day nervous about the night’s lessons. He found himself recalling his dreams more and more and even daydreaming in Charms class. Daydreaming that sort of thing! Harry could barely stand to look at or the very mention of Snape’s name. What in the world was wrong with him? Harry was doing his best not to think about things. He focused on classes and snogging Hermione in between classes and even trying to write Sirius a letter. He was trying hard not to think too much about it, but it was hard to really let go when he knew he would be forced to see Snape later that night. It certainly wasn’t going to help his cause any and especially now that he could hardly get the dreams about the man off of his mind.

Just like last night’s dream, as he headed to the dungeons, he was surrounded by snickering Slytherins who had nothing better to do than stop and shout things at him. Harry gritted his teeth and marched forward, trying to shake himself of that strange feeling of déjà vu and hating himself for any hopefulness and excitement weaseling their way into him. There was nothing good about having to see Snape. Nothing anything close to his dream would happen today. He didn’t want anything like his dream to happen, he told himself.

He contemplated not knocking at all to avoid any similar aspects of the dream he could, but he figured it was still safer to do and so he raised his fist and knocked. He didn‘t let himself focus on how strong and pleasant and beautiful the voice that called out “Enter!” was. He merely let himself in, breathing a sigh of relief when he saw Snape rising from behind his desk. Harry almost didn‘t shut the door, but when Snape motioned for him to do so, he sighed and followed the wordless instructions. Snape went about the usual routine of putting up locking charms on the door and silencing charms all around the room. There was no need for anyone to know what was going on in this room, certainly not people who weren‘t well informed of Harry‘s lessons. The fact that not many people could come in…The privacy of the place…Made it hard to keep those thoughts from coming back after him. How easy it would be if his dream played out in real life, only without the interruption of Dumbledore and Hermione. Ron often expressed fear for the complete privacy, worried that Snape would kill or torture Harry…But Harry‘s mind was in a completely different place. A much better place.

Or maybe a worse place, he told himself, trying to rid himself of those thoughts entirely.

Too focused on his own concerns and thoughts, he hardly noticed Snape was even speaking until Snape snapped, “Potter!” and he jumped, facing an irritated glare from his professor. “Sorry, Professor,” he muttered and dropped his bag and took the seat Snape motioned for him to take. They had been doing so well, too, he thought bitterly. Snape wasn‘t necessarily nice, but after spending so much time together over summer and during the year, things at least had seemed better. But if this kept up, Harry wasn‘t sure how long that would last. Maybe it was better if being around Snape was just as bad as ever. Maybe if Snape was completely horrible again, the dreams would stop. He at least hoped they might. Harry blinked rapidly and forced himself to think about Voldemort…Thinking about Cedric Diggory…Thinking about his parents…Thinking about all of the horrible things that had happened and all of the reasons he was here. Sex dreams about the most hated and most undesirable professor at school were definitely less important than the threats out there and Harry had to remind himself of that. His face became serious as he watched his annoyed professor; he didn‘t much like focusing on this side of his life either, but it was the more important of everything else. Nothing else would matter if Voldemort killed him or everyone around him.

“Thinking about the Granger girl?” Snape guessed with a sneer. “You’d much rather be out playing than in here learning how to defend yourself. I warn you, do not take this lightly, Potter. The Dark Lord is a real threat and you are no where near prepared to face him.”

“I know, professor,” Harry agreed, feeling badly for letting everything else get to him so badly. There were more important things to worry about, and just because Voldemort wasn‘t on some rampage and just because most of his nightmares had become less frequent, didn‘t mean he should stop caring. Even if it wasn‘t on his mind as much for those particular reasons, he should make sure to keep himself focused. It was better to be prepared before any of that stuff happened. “So what are we doing today, sir?” Harry asked, eager to get off of the subject of his stupidity and more on the subject of what needed to get done. He was determined to focus on this and do well in this. Harry would be disappointing so many people if he failed and if he wasn‘t trying hard enough because he had such silly things on his mind.

Snape just smirked. “I just informed you of what we would be doing today, Potter. It isn’t my fault if you possess no self control or focus,” the man said and Harry swallowed hard. This could not end well. Before Harry could even try to wrack his brain, trying to recall anything Snape had said…Before he could even bother grabbing his wand…Before he could try to prepare himself in any way, Snape was shouting, “Legilimens!”

Harry had never heard that word before…But it didn’t take him long to suffer the affects. Snape’s office around him blurred and melted away into different scenes entirely. Differing images flashed through his mind, mostly from his childhood with the Dursleys. Watching Dudley get so many amazing gifts and being jealous. Being chased by Aunt Marge’s dog. Being shoved into the cupboard under the stairs. Being screamed at by Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon while Dudley sat shaking on the couch behind them. That was just after the Dementor attack. The Dementors…

He hissed in pain and blinked open his eyes, confusedly staring up at the ceiling of Snape’s office while Snape slowly came into view above him, rubbing his wrist. Harry slowly sat up, realizing he had fallen out of his chair and it had landed half on top of him. Harry struggled up and righted the chair, turning back to Snape who was still watching him closely. “Did you mean to produce a Stinging Hex?” Snape inquired and Harry blinked in surprise. Had he? Snape only smirked. “I thought not.”

“What did you do?” Harry asked warily, holding his wand tightly in his hand, prepared to defend himself at any moment. He wouldn‘t put it past Snape to randomly attack him without any warning. He had been doing so for the past few months.

“That wasn‘t clear? You really weren‘t paying attention,” Snape said, slowly circling Harry where he stood still, his eyes following his professor every time he was in view, unable to stop himself from tensing up when he could no longer see him, but could feel him so close behind him. “I entered your mind. Had you been listening, you would know that I am attempting to teach you Occlumency and you would know what Occlumency and Legilimency are,” he said coolly. “You would know that through your connection to the Dark Lord, he can more easily get into your mind…You would know that he is a master Legilimens…You would know that in order to stop him from gaining access to your mind that you have to learn how to shield it…Using Occlumency.”

“Voldemort can read minds?” Harry asked, both shocked and panicked.

“Do not say his name,” Snape hissed and Harry swallowed and nodded apologetically. While he had no problems saying Lord Voldemort‘s name, most people not only had a problem with saying it, but with hearing it. He didn‘t like to substitute it with anything else, but for the sake of others he was trying to get into the habit of it. “And no, Potter. One cannot read minds. The mind is not a book, not filled with words to examine and study. The mind is complex…No one can read your mind. They can, however, extract feelings and memories…He can see every little thing you don‘t want him to know. If you allow yourself to remain unguarded, he can easily gather all of the information he needs from your…simple…mind. It is not safe to allow him that sort of power over you, Potter, which is why you must pay attention. This is why you must focus!”

It still sounded like mind reading to Harry and it was still scary, which was all he supposed really mattered. He needed to learn it because it was important…Harry tried to wrap his mind around what Snape was telling him. Voldemort could see into his mind…Could see all of those awful things. Not only Voldemort, but obviously Snape. His mind drifted back to his most recent dreams, for a moment panicking over the thought of Snape seeing any of them. That was the last thing he had to worry about, though, he told himself. He was going to make himself good at this, he thought determinedly. “How do I…do this?” he asked uncertainly.

“Close your eyes,” Snape instructed, coming to stop in front of him.

Harry eyed Snape uncertainly, for a moment wondering if this was a trap before slowly allowing himself to close his eyes, still holding his hand steady and ready. For a moment he imagined Snape moving closer…Using this to his advantage…To lean in and kiss him and Harry felt his lips tingle at the very thought. He shoved away those thoughts, forcing himself to focus on this task…Though it had more to do with not focusing on how much he actually wanted Snape to kiss him and less to do with the fact that he actually needed to learn this. Though the latter was certainly a good excuse.

“Clear your mind. Remain calm…Let go of all emotion. Focus,” Snape was saying calmly. He tried hard not to think about how wonderful that voice sounded. Harry tried hard to do exactly as Snape said. He pushed away all of that disgust over his strange desires and dreams. He pushed away all of that guilt over what he was doing with Hermione. He pushed away all of that fear and hatred towards Voldemort. At least he tried to. He stood there awkwardly, trying hard to do as Snape told him. He tried to relax, tried to keep his mind blank. He could feel all of those things he was pushing aside deep within him, but he thought he was doing a decent job of keeping them away from the surface.

“Legilimens!”

More memories flooded into his mind, this time mostly involving Ron and Hermione. How Harry and Ron saved Hermione from the troll first year. How Ron was angry with Harry last year, thinking he had put his own name in the Goblet of Fire. Ron and Hermione arguing over Hermione going to the Yule Ball with Viktor Krum. Ginny and Harry discussing Ron and Hermione‘s obvious feelings for each other. Hermione coming into Harry‘s room and kissing him. His and Hermione‘s discussion about why they were even doing this. Hermione kissing Harry when she saw Ron and Susan coming down the hall together. Lastly, Harry‘s latest dream. At first he thought it was just another time in the Room of Requirement with Hermione straddling him, but he soon realized it was that dream! Harry panicked, desperately trying to get it to stop as Hermione started pulling off Harry‘s shirt. Suddenly it stopped and Harry gasped when he found himself on the floor again. Harry breathed a sigh of relief, his heart pounding from how close it had come to Snape seeing certain things. He heard a noise, like Snape starting to speak, and then a sharp, painful hiss. Harry pushed himself up, watching his professor in concern as he swept away. “Lessons end early, Potter. Come back tomorrow.” he said harshly and Harry nodded, scrambling up and grabbing his bag as he heard a door slam. He stood up and glanced around the room, but Sanpe was gone. What had happened? Harry just shook his head and walked towards the door. He wasn‘t about to complain. He was really going to have to work on this if he wanted to avoid another close call.

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Author’s Notes: Borrowed a couple of lines from Order of the Phoenix with Snape teaching Harry Occlumency.

misswarchan: Thank you! And sorry, but I don’t. I used to, but I’m not sure if I’ll be posting my stuff on there or not, but I’ll let you know if I ever do.

unneeded: Yeah, it probably doesn’t help at all, but you can’t blame them for trying lol.

tacita18: Thanks! I am working on things. I haven’t really been into fanfics in the past three or four years, so it’s taking some getting used to. The only writing I’ve been doing the past few years is a literary RPG, so it’s taking some getting used to getting back into writing by myself and trying to get back into fanfic writing. And trust me, I won’t be getting too crazy so don’t worry about some wild orgy lol!

I really appreciate the feedback, everyone! I hope to be getting more reviews with this one so I know how things are! I love knowing what you like about things and anything that can be worked on or any other comments you might have. I‘ll do my best to reply to reviews at the end of every chapter.
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Lost and Damned