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The Pain Of Loss	By : Kitkatislovely95 Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Snape Views: 4673 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I own nothing of Harry Potter fandom. I make no money from this story.

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Hey guys... I know this chapter is pathetically short. But either way, here is a next installment... sort of a filler chapter...

Disclaimer. I own Nothing. :(

Harry was gone.

As the thought lingered in Severus's mind while he paced his study, he found it more and more difficult to grasp fully; the worry he felt about the brat's safety blocking anything else. He had to shake his head multiple times to clear it as he thought of Harry's disappearance.

It had been about 2 months since Harry's suicide attempt. When he had come out of the infirmary, he had acted as if it had never happened. He had gone back to his old habits; sitting with Granger and Weasley during meals, eating more, and going to classes. To the untrained eye, he would have looked like he did before Severus had ended their relationship; happy. But not to Severus; he could see what was really going on the minute Harry attempted the scandal.

Severus saw right through Harry's little facade; saw the glamours hiding the dark circles beneath his eyes; the spark that used to reside in Harry's jade green eyes no longer existent. Even knowing the boy was faking all of this, he still couldn't believe he would disappear in the dead of the night with nothing but his broom, a photo album Severus was almost positive held a picture of himself, his invisibility cloak, and a change of clothing.

He had been sitting at the Head Table that morning eating breakfast and sneering as he let his eyes wander the room when two members of the Golden Trio walked into the Great Hall, eyes immediately going to the Gryffindor table, scanning the span of it.

Apparently they hadn't seen who they were looking for because they headed quickly to the teacher's table, right to Headmistress McGonagall. Severus had had to listen hard to what was said, but when he heard the two simple, worry filled words leave Granger's mouth, he admitted to feeling slightly panicked before composing himself.

"Harry's gone."

Minerva had looked incredulous for only a moment before noting the distress on the children’s' faces and getting up quickly to lead the two back to Gryffindor tower.

She had searched the tower, finding only a small note stuck to her door from Harry saying that he needed some time alone and he would owl them when when he settled in somewhere.

He may have said he needed time alone but Severus knew what the damned boy was up to; he had left to get out of the suicide wards. He was going to attempt to off himself again, most likely succeeding with no one there to stop him.

The thought that Harry would achieve his goal, if Severus were honest with himself, terrified him. He knew he had to find the boy, if only to make sure he got to say goodbye first.

Severus paused his pacing at that thought. Could he really bring himself to find Harry just to let him kill himself anyway? The answer was simple: no, he couldn't. If Severus was going to spend his time looking for the damnable brat he would have to think of a way to convince Harry not to go through with it.

He didn't know when, or how, it happened but he had...come to care for the boy between when he had put his plan into motion to now. The insufferable brat had weaseled his way into Severus's heart and it annoyed him to no end.

He sighed heavily, shook his head and walked into his Potion's lab; he had left one to brew for a few hours. He had been experimenting with a new batch of Find-Me potions; one strong enough to find anyone, just by adding something that belonged to them.

Immediately after walking into the room, he noticed a blank white envelope sitting on his brewing table. He walked towards it cautiously, pulling his wand out in the process. Being a spy had taught him to be exceedingly careful around unknown things. He checked that his potion was brewing correctly before checking the letter for any spells or jinxes. Once he dubbed it clear, he picked up the letter, opened it slowly and unfolded the paper inside.

He saw the hand writing and knew in an instant who this letter was from. He began reading, hoping for a hint at where the boy would be.

Dear Severus,

By now I am sure you have been informed of my absence. I also realize that you probably don't care. But either way, I wanted to write this to you before I left.

I remember the first night you found me in the tower, stopped me from cutting myself again; from spilling more blood. I remember thinking that your offer was a joke, knowing you hated me. I remember our first real conversation, the first time you held me, my first real kiss; our first time making love. Everything that happened... made me fall deeper in love with you.

Wonder why I am telling you this? I do too as I sit here writing it. I thought about a lot of things before I decided to leave. Why you had played me. Why I believed you. But, I digressed that it was because you wanted revenge and I wanted something I knew I could never have. Not being Harry Potter. Fate doesn't think me deserving of love in my life.

I tell you this because I want you to know you succeeded. You got your revenge against my father, a grudge I won't even begin to try to understand. I do know, though, that it wasn't because you hated him. You loved him, didn't you? You wanted me to feel the pain you felt, is that it? Wanted me to love you so you could snatch it all away from me when the time came. You did it correctly. You broke the last part of me that was left to be broken. The part that had yet to be touched.

I don't know what you'll think of this, I don't know if I even guessed correctly. But no matter. You got your wish, love. I'll be out of your life, and everyone else’s soon enough. I hope one day you look back on this letter and you realize the mistake you made. Realize that, if given the chance, I could have made you a happy man.

I'll love you eternally, Severus Snape. I’ll always be yours.

Harry Potter.

Severus read and re-read the letter over and over again before it finally registered to him that he was crying. Why, he couldn't, and wouldn't, think about. He didn't want to regret what he had done, but he had a feeling he would.

He knew only one thing for sure as he set the letter back down on the table, not bothering with wiping his tears away, and went back to stir his potion. He would find Harry. Even if it killed him, he would stop the boy from killing himself. If only to know the boy was alive and well somewhere.

Yes, he decided, even if it was the last thing he did.

~HPSS~HPSS~HPSS~HPSS~HPSS~

Harry sighed as he watched the sky fly by as he rode his broom farther and farther away from the place he had called home for so long. He would miss Hogwarts, though not for long. He had no intention of staying alive long enough for them to find him.

He realized this was not what a Gryffindor would do; killing himself was cowardly in the eyes of many, but the sorting hat wanted to put him in Slytherin for a reason, didn't it? He just didn't think he could handle living with this... emptiness anymore. No longer was there any pain besides the small pang that went through him at the thought of Severus's last words to him; no happiness, love, hate.... just nothingness. It was worse than being tortured to death.

His only hope now was that Severus had gotten his letter. It was the letter from his first suicide attempt. Seeing as how he hadn’t actually died, the letter had magically returned to his things, never to be seen by anyone but the man he loved. He didn’t know why he had written it; it wasn’t as though he thought it would make Severus see reason, see that he loved Harry too. Harry knew that Severus wouldn’t suddenly come to the conclusion that he was hopelessly in love with The-Boy-Who-Lived.

Harry sighed again at the direction his thoughts had taken. At one point, they would have led to a depression; but now, all he felt was that familiar pang in his chest.

But, he would be free soon. Free of the pain he was feeling, free of Severus. He would see his parents and Sirius and Dumbledore again... then, he would be happy. Finally, he would feel something again.

I know, it wasn't nearly as good as it could have been. I hope you all like it and if you don't, I can take the flames. *sniffle* Maybe. lol

Click that little review button for me would you... Well since you are there already, leave me your thoughts. ;)

love,

Kitkat
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The Pain Of Loss