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Controlled Emotions	By : LeviosaHex Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Snape Views: 23984 -:- Recommendations : 2 -:- Currently Reading : 5
Disclaimer: Disclaimer: I did not create the Harry Potter stories or universe and I do not make any money from this

Chapter List
- 2
- 3
- 4
Chapter 3 – Confusion

Day 2 Continued

2045hrs – Snape's Office

Harry stood once again in the middle of Snape's office having just been left alone for the second night running with his mind shattered. Tonight, however, he could hardly walk, never mind run as he had the previous evening and only managed to stumble forward toward the high backed chair behind his Professor's desk, before falling into it heavily as his knees gave way. Harry had never been so painfully aroused; his cock ached for release, straining to be set free from its tight confines. Without thinking where he was, without much thought about anything, Harry quickly undid the button and zip on his jeans and reached in with one shaky hand to grip his weeping length and released it in one quick movement. Stretching his legs out under the desk in front of him, he leaned back, closed his eyes and started to move his hand up and down his throbbing length, thrusting his hips into his own hand as he did so. Discordant images flashed through his mind. Sensuous lips a hairsbreadth from his own, deep black glittering eyes full of desire and excitement, floating black Death Eater robes, a tongue running across the back of his neck, a searing kiss that had extracted his very being. Harry groaned as every muscle in his body tightened; back arching into his own touch, as he suddenly came, spurting thick threads of cum onto his T-shirt, some splashing the underside of his Snape's desk. As the last wave of release eased, Harry flopped back into the chair panting hard. His mind was more than shattered now - it was like dust blowing in the wind. He sat slumped like this for a few moments with no thoughts or emotions, just a warm buzzing sensation, that was the memory of his orgasm rippling through his body.

A noise reached through to his distant consciousness; his eyes snapped open and his surroundings slowly came into focus.

"Shit," he voiced aloud as he realised where he was, and what he had just done. Frantically scanning the room for the source of the sound, he breathed a sigh of relief when he saw there was no-one else in the room. Both doors remained closed. One led to the corridor, the other, Harry presumed, to Snape's private quarters.

"Shit," he muttered again, wondering if the door Snape had exited through was indeed to his private rooms, wondering if the man had heard him scream as he had come.

He couldn't see anything in the room that could have caused the noise and started to think he had maybe imagined it, until he heard it again. It was coming from behind the closed door he had never been through. His mind went blank once again; he couldn't process the possible meaning of the noise at the moment. Quickly zipping up his trousers and casting a quick cleaning spell on himself, removing the visible evidence of his heart stopping orgasm, he stood on shaky legs and stumbled across the room as fast as he could, and fled.

Day 3

0110hrs – Gryffindor Tower

Harry entered Gryffindor common room a few hours later and was thankful that it was empty, everyone was in bed. His body was exhausted; he wasn't sure where he had been for the last four hours, he knew he had walked, but it felt as though it had been only a matter of minutes since he had staggered out the office in the dungeons, his brain had yet to catch up with the events of the night.

Not wanting to climb the stairs to the dormitory, he curled up on the comfy sofa in front of the fire, and stared into the low burning embers of the fire as he finally started to replay the events of his detention.

He had initiated the mind-blowing kiss, he had rubbed himself against Snape's body, he had brought himself to completion whilst sitting behind Snape's desk, in Snape's chair, and he had thought of Snape whilst doing so! Closing his eyes, he curled up on himself even more, putting his head on his knees. How could he have felt such an all encompassing desire and sexual excitement for a man who had angered and frightened him for the last two days? For the last six years, he corrected himself. Had he been angry? Had he been frightened? He knew he had, but couldn't work out exactly why now, not entirely. His rational brain told him Snape was still the same greasy sadistic bastard he had always been, that enjoyed nothing more than humiliating him. Maybe that was what this was all about; maybe it was just another way to get at him, to degrade him in some sort of sick private joke. Harry didn't believe that to be the case, however, it didn't fit with the man's previous record of only humiliating him in public. Yes, he had treated him badly during their Occlumency lessons; he had pushed him hard and grown angry for his lack of ability but now he thought he could maybe begin to understand why. Snape was worried Harry would give away his status as a spy; he had been desperate in his desire to make him master the skill, to save himself from certain death should Voldemort find out through any of Harry's memories.

Anger is the outward display of desire Harry thought, as understanding started to filter through his foggy brain.

Harry realised he didn't understand human emotion at all, didn't understand what drove people in their daily interactions with others or what caused their overall demeanour and behaviour. He no longer knew himself. He no longer understood what he thought and felt let alone those around him - let alone the complex personality that was Snape.

The very foundation of what Harry thought he understood about himself, what made him who he was, was now in question. His fears - were things that caused excitement; his anger - deep desires.

It made sense in a way; it explained his reactions to certain situations that most people would run a mile from, why he ran headlong straight into them, why he felt bored when he didn't have anything dangerous to challenge him. He missed the rush of elation when his heart was pounding and adrenaline was flowing through his veins, but did that make him any less afraid of life threatening situations? Was the emotion of fear, for him at least, not real?

The anger he regularly felt for the death of his parents, for his childhood, toward his relatives, toward Snape and toward Voldemort himself, could all be interpreted differently. Were they just deep desires for his parents to still be alive, for his relatives to love him, to have had a different life, to kill the evil that was Voldemort, for Snape to accept him- to understand him, to not see him as the epitome of his cruel, bullying father? Was his anger not real?

Had anything he had ever felt been real?

The lustful desire and excitement he had just experienced at being intimate with Snape confused him even more. He liked girls. Didn't he? He thought he at least knew that about himself. He was 17, surely he would have known if he didn't. Thoughts of Cho and Ginny and any intimate moments they had shared wavered through his mind as weak fleeting images. None of them had been anywhere near the all encompassing, hot, passionate encounter he had just experienced. They paled into nothing. They left him cold. They had left him cold at the time he realised.

Harry hugged his knees in tighter, screwing his face up in confusion, not willing or able to contemplate what that might mean.

0910hrs – Potions Classroom

Harry arrived late for potions having only managed to crawl up the stairs that led to his bed at 5am that morning. He had slept through breakfast, and only woke minutes before class had been due to start with Ron shaking him. He had quickly dressed, but he knew he looked a complete mess. His hair was everywhere, and now, as he now stood in the doorway of the potions classroom looking down at himself, he realised his shirt was done up all wrong and his tie was squint.

"Mr Potter, is spending one week of detention in my presence not enough for you that you deliberately turn up in my classroom, not only late, but looking as if you have spent the night...in a...brothel?" Snape spat, looking disgustedly at him.

"Errm ah... I'm sorry emm I didn't sleep well, Professor," Harry mumbled as he tried to pull his robe further round himself to hide his crumpled, dishevelled appearance.

"It's the only place the little runt would find anyone crazy enough to want to shag him," Malfoy laughed.

Snape ignored the comment and the giggles from the Slytherins, instead, took a deep breath and continued in an almost bored voice.

"Twenty points from Gryffindor for your overall tardiness, I do not want to see you present yourself in my class looking like...that, ever again!" Snape gave him a stern warning glance.

The rest of the class surprisingly went without any more lost points or snarky comments; in fact Snape completely ignored him, even when he made multiple, obvious mistakes. Harry found himself watching Snape as he walked around the class or sat at his desk marking papers. He couldn't work out why he missed the insults and barbs but thought he actually did. By the time the class finished, he was more confused than he had been. He still couldn't fathom what it was that he felt, why he had become so aroused by Snape's touch.

Harry collected his things when the class was dismissed and started to head toward the door.

"Not so fast Potter," Snape called out from his seated position, not raising his eyes from the papers he was marking.

"You're in for it now mate," Ron said grimacing.

Hermione pulled Ron out the door and gave Harry an apologetic worried look.

"See you at lunch?" she whispered.

Harry nodded but continued to stare, almost open jawed, at the way Snape teased the feather of his quill over his lips, and suppressed a shiver.

As soon as the last student left the classroom Snape flicked his wand at the door, slamming it shut. The noise made Harry flinch. Only once wards were erected against unexpected visitors or prying ears did Snape look up at Harry and put down his quill.

"Close your eyes," Snape said quietly.

"Www...What? Here? Now?"

"Yes here and now, would I ask you to do so otherwise? Just do it!"

Harry closed his eyes. He had hoped he would have more time to consider what it was he was feeling before he had to do this again. Being made to do so now made him even more confused, and his mind scrabbled to assemble.

"What are you feeling this morning Mr Potter?"

"Errmm I'm not very sure." Harry could feel, more than hear, the man approach him, his mind shut down even more, his breath hitched in confused anticipation.

"You are not sure? There must be something going on in that...tousled head of yours...tell me," Snape said gently as he ran his fingers through Harry's hair as though trying to straighten it.

"Uh...ermmm well ...I'm a bit confused really... emm I don't know what I feel." Harry shifted on his feet, not sure if he wanted to step away from the touch or lean into it.

"Why do you think you are confused? What is there to be confused about?" Snape continued carding his fingers though Harry's hair, running his hand over the back of his head and down to a sensitive spot right at its nape. Harry relaxed a little but realising that it was Snape's touch that was relaxing him, made his brain even foggier.

"I'm confused about...everything. About all the anger I have ever felt, about all the fear and anxiety I have lived with, about..." Harry paused and opened his eyes briefly, Snape had his eyes closed his face expressionless.

"Yes carry on."

Harry closed his eyes again trying to summon the courage to mention what had happened between them the precious two nights, what seemed to be happening now.

"Well I'm confused about this...err about you... you know ...emm ..."

Snape leaned down and very gently captured his lips with his own, stealing the words from Harry's mouth. Harry instinctively leaned into the kiss and returned it; it was a very different sort of kiss, no less passionate but less...animalistic, Harry thought. It sent shivers up his spine, but Snape broke away abruptly.

"You are confused about how I make you...feel?" Snape whispered.

"Yeah I suppose..." Harry opened his eyes.

"Keep them closed Harry, I am not finished yet."

Snape's hands were on him, running down from his shoulders to the waistband of his trousers, slowly massaging over the muscles as they went.

"You can't describe what sensations you are feeling, or you merely can't put a name to them?"

"No, I could describe them and maybe even name them but well... that's what is confusing. I mean one minute I was angry at you, the next scared, and now, well now...there's this and you are... you are a man!"

"Ah I see. Tell me Harry, have you ever been with a man before?"

"NO! Merlin, what kind of question is that!" Harry found himself struggling to keep his eyes closed, but Snape circled his arms around his waist, and pulled him into a full body embrace. Harry's head naturally rested in the crook of the taller man's neck.

"I believe it is a very pertinent question considering our current...situation. Have you ever been with a woman?"

"Emm, well yes, sort of," Harry mumbled. His lips moved against Snape's cool skin as he spoke.

"Sort of?"

"Yeah, you know, a few kisses but not much more."

"Not much more?"

"Well nothing more I suppose."

"Why do you think that is? Why has your desire never been such that it has not led to more?"

"Never met the right girl I suppose. Those encounters, as you call them didn't really well...arhhh!"

Snape's hand had dropped between their bodies, and lightly pressed against the front of his trousers where there was an obvious hardening. The touch took Harry's breath away.

"They didn't make you feel like this?"

Harry only barely managed to shake his head slightly.

"You have never once thought that odd? Never once looked at another boy and considered what it would be like?"

"No," Harry croaked out.

What the fuck is going on with me Harry thought desperately, his body was craving something his mind really did not want, could not even begin to understand.

"You must let go of preconceived, muggle ideas of sexual relationships. The truth is, a person's sexuality can be fluid, varying across time and situation. This applies to muggles as well as magical people, but we have a greater understanding of our own state of being than muggles will ever be able to comprehend. You must learn to accept who you are at any given point or situation in life and know the reasons why."

A sense of peace washed through Harry and at that moment, standing in the tight embrace of Snape, he felt less abnormal, less confused than he had ever felt. Harry looked up to meet dark smouldering eyes, and groaned as the man's hand gently rubbed his cock through his trousers. Harry stretched up and placed his open willing mouth on the accepting lips above him, yet again initiating a mind bending kiss of teeth and tongues.

Nothing "wet" about this Harry thought as desire ripped through him as he struggled not to thrust into Snape's hand; not wanting the movement to push him away as it had the previous night. He groaned as the need for release built quickly.

"Shit," he muttered into Snape's mouth, as his body took over and his hips pushed hard against the touch. Snape didn't break the kiss, however, instead he manoeuvred Harry back slightly until he was leaning against his student desk. Nimble fingers undid Harry's trousers, and pushed them down. Harry bit down harder than intended on Snape's lower lip at the sensation of his cock being released to the cold dungeon air, but the older man didn't seem to notice, it actually seemed to drive him on into a more frenzied attack with his own sucking kisses and nibbling bites.

Snape gripped Harry's length and ran his thumb over the slit, collecting the moisture that had gathered there, rubbing it round the sensitive head, before setting a brisk pace of firm strokes. It only took a few minutes of this firm, confident treatment before Harry felt the tightening of every muscle in his body as climax approached.

Something at the back of his mind was warring with his physical desire, something that told him this was wrong; something that said he needed this to stop.

"Fuck, stop...I can't hold on... shit..." Harry mumbled incoherently.

"Relax Harry...Come for me. Now."

"Oh Fuck!" The soft, seductive words uttered in his ear, pushed any niggling doubt to the darkest recesses of his brain, and his body took over. The force of his orgasm, the first experienced at the hand of another, was so strong it verged on painful. Snape continued thrusting his hand up and down his length as hot spurts of come shot up and coated the area of the black teaching robes directly above him.

His climax left him a boneless, jittering mess, he only managing to stay upright because of the strong arm around his waist holding him up. Snape let go of him slowly, making sure he was balanced on the edge of desk behind him, muttering a cleaning spell on his hand and robes as he turned away and strode toward his desk.

"I think under the circumstances, it would be best if I excused you from your detention tonight Mr Potter. You need to accept and understand who you are at this point in your life before we can move on. Confusion is not an emotion; it is merely a symptom of poor understanding, in this case a lack of understanding yourself. You need to move past this before we can...continue."

Harry was in shock at the change of the man's demeanour, he was now speaking as though in a potions classroom, talking about the most basic of potions, to a class of dunderheads.

"I accept that I might not be... normal. I have always known that! It is what you are doing to me that I don't understand that's what's confusing me the most!" Harry spat out.

"Exactly the reason I need you to work out what it is you feel before we can continue. Now, please straighten yourself up. I believe there will be a first year class of Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs arriving shortly and the state you are in would send them running to the Headmaster quicker than seeing me dressed in full Death Eater robes and mask."

Harry stared at the man, confusion clearing slightly, but he wasn't sure he liked what he now felt. He quickly straightened himself up and stood to leave.

Snape turned back to face Harry, let out a long suffering sigh, and pinched the bridge of his nose before he spoke.

"Potter, please do not turn up in my classroom late, looking as you did this morning or act the way you did, again. It really was a very stupid thing to do." There was no real malice in the voice, just a tired sounding irritation.

"I have already apologised for that, and I told you that I didn't sleep very well last night. As you know, I sometimes don't, and when I'm tired I can't concentrate on potions. I'm sorry I messed up, all right!"

"I can see you haven't slept well, and I did notice your complete failure at brewing anything resembling the potion you were meant to, however, you are correct, that is not especially unusual for you. It is not to these facts that I am solely referring, you idiot!" A frustrated sigh emitted from the man's throat.

"Oh right emm, I am not sure what you are talking about then," Harry muttered.

"Not only did you come here late, you looked thoroughly debauched, which in itself was enough to try my patience, but you then proceeded to stare at me and watch my every move throughout the whole damn class. Indeed, that was the reason for your failed potion, not tiredness."

Harry shuffled on his feet, and a heat crept up from his collar flushing his face.

"Did you think I would not notice? I would be surprised if the whole bloody class didn't notice. Even the most dim-witted of your friends might think it odd, that after apparently having spent the entire evening with me in detention, you turn up looking the way you did, but to then proceed to completely botch a potion that even a 1st year could attempt, whilst all the while staring at me with a faraway vacant expression, was extremely foolish." Snape was losing his control of his frustration, and growled as he advanced on Harry, but there was still no real malice in his voice or expression.

"Don't think you are being a bit paranoid Sir? I mean you said yourself I regularly turn up to class looking as though I haven't slept and, as I am sure you remember, I have frequently botched potions. As for looking at you, well emmm I wasn't aware I was doing it," Harry ended lamely.

"I suggest you have a look in a mirror, and then tell me that you only look tired." Snape flicked his wand and a mirror appeared before Harry's now scarlet face.

Oh shit, Harry thought as he looked at his unshaven face, which held very red, swollen lips. There was also a love bite on his neck just above his squint collar. He didn't remember Snape kissing him there let alone marking him. With an unsteady hand, he drew his wand, pointed it at the bite, and muttered a simple healing charm which removed the mark completely. He then repeated the process on his lips.

"You obviously have some mediocre skill at casting healing charms. You clearly had other more... pressing matters to attend to that made you forget to use them, before you left my office last night." Snape wore a small smirk of amusement on his face.

Oh Merlin, Harry thought. Snape had heard him scream. The confusion vanished and was replaced by something much less pleasant as the meaning of the words hit home.

You better go before your friends get any more suspicious of what you are doing with me. I expect you back tomorrow night, after you have dealt with your confusion and faced up to who you truly are. Only then can we move on with your...lessons. Snape raised a suggestive eyebrow and effectively dismissed him by unwarding the door and turning his back on him.

Harry fled with his stomach in his shoes, feeling as though he might vomit.

A/N Well here it is, the next instalment of the rollercoaster ride of a week with Harry's emotions! LOL. This chapter is really a bridging chapter to the next main emotion, as I am sure you have all realised. When anyone's deep seated beliefs and ideals are challenged there is always a period of confusion and questioning. Now I admit this would normally take longer than 12 hrs to work through but this is the wizarding world people! LOL anyway hope you enjoyed it. Please review! Reading them makes writing even more worthwhile and enjoyable!

Thanks to everyone who has favourited this already or added an alert and especially to my lovely reviewers! LHx
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Controlled Emotions