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Survivor's Guilt	By : SpeedyTomato Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Lucius Views: 34080 -:- Recommendations : 3 -:- Currently Reading : 4
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter nor do I make any money of this dark dance of Harry Potter fanfic.

Chapter List
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Chapter 3

Beta'd by the amazing Tenchi. Thanks, Tenchi, you're the best!

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It was Sunday, about a month after Lucius had first encountered Potter in the pub and he found himself, once again, sitting there observing the boy. As he had only just started showing up every day a couple weeks ago, he was starting to realize that Sunday's appeared to be a very slow day in the place, unlike the previous two had been. Sitting closer to the young man than normal, he was trying to ensure that Potter didn't notice or recognize him. It did appear, though, that Potter wasn't paying attention to anything around him other than the telly, well, except for the pitcher of beer on the table. So far, unlike every other day in the place, his cousin, Dudley, hadn't made an appearance yet. Usually, the two of them were there before he came in. Of course, Potter had been but his cousin hadn't shown up yet. That, in and of itself, was unusual. It wasn't that they spent hours there together, that wasn't the case, but they seemed to meet up every day. It appeared to him that it was one of those easy things that one did with someone they knew well, nothing more than that. It was, though, odd for the cousin not to make an appearance by now.

From his observations of the two over the last month, it appeared that Potter spent a great deal of time here drinking, coming in long before his cousin did. His cousin didn't do that. He seemed to come in, have a couple drinks to be sociable then left after talking a while, usually taking Potter with him when he did to ensure that he got home. Well, that's the impression he got from what was said anyway. It also fit the pattern of what he was observing. To him, it appeared that Dudley came to make sure Potter didn't do anything stupid and made it home fine. It also seemed to be the pattern that Dudley was becoming increasingly worried about Potter and his drinking. There was something else there he was worried about as well, Lucius could tell, but it wasn't ever mentioned beyond a cryptic 'I worry about you'. It was that part that seemed to grab him.

There was something about it that indicated that whatever Dudley was worried about was the same thing that was nudging Lucius as well. He still couldn't put his finger on what it was though. Nor, really, could he understand why it was pulling him the way it was. It was though, driving him to keep coming back to the pub and staying to watch every night in hopes of figuring it out. What was it though? That he didn't know. Nor was he ready to concede that it might be related to Narcissa in any way as his therapist seemed to be leaning towards. It might be, he would admit that privately, but he wasn't ready to say it aloud yet. That though, if it was the case, something he wasn't sure about, raised other questions.

The big one when it came to something like that was if it were true, what would he do about it? It wasn't like he had any kind of clout or pull anymore to put a bug in someones ear that there might be a problem. Hell, if he did that, people would ignore him or accuse him of trying to slander Potter. No, it wouldn't work. So, why then was he worried about this and even trying? That was a good question he had exactly no answers to. No matter how hard he tried to figure it out, he just couldn't. There was no logical explanation for him even being here but the pull was so strong that he couldn't ignore it either. That bothered him more than he cared to admit and was driving him crazy to figure it out but he was heeding the siren song as well, something else that bothered him to no end.

Rubbing his eyes in a tired way, he glanced over at Potter but nothing seemed to have changed with the young man. He was drinking his beer and had his eyes glued on the telly. Though Lucius did note that the pitcher of beer had a lot less in it than it had just a short time ago. The expression on Potter's face hadn't changed either. It was just neutral, as if he were ignoring everything around him and not even interested, lost in his own world, oblivious to anything else. From the look of things, Lucius doubted that Potter was even really seeing the telly. It was probably more just a focus point for him while whatever was going on in his mind was what was pulling him.

After about another hour, Lucius was getting bored. Dudley still hadn't shown up and Potter was on his second pitcher of beer. That part, the beer, bothered him. He didn't know why, but it did. He would be the first to admit both he and his son drank quite a bit. With all that had happened, it was something that came with the territory. It wasn't the best thing in the world to cope with what went on, there was no doubt about that, but it happened. Neither of them, though, put away anything close to what Potter was each night. And today appeared to be worse than normal. While looking at the pitcher of amber liquid, some of the things his therapist said danced in his head. As much as he had tried to scoff at what was told to him, some appeared to be true, or at least looked that way. He didn't like thinking it could be and shoved that aside the best he could, trying not to focus on it, then just observe.

About an hour later, as Potter was finishing the last of his beer, Lucius was wondering about the cousin. He still hadn't shown up and that was odd. Potter, too, seemed to find it strange and it appeared to put him in a dour mood. He was slouched down in his seat, looking slightly disgruntled. There was something in that expression that seemed to call to Lucius. He didn't know why but it was like he could feel a loneliness from Potter that he experienced anymore. There might be others around but you felt like you were by yourself in the world despite that. It wasn't, as he well knew, the best feeling in the world, especially if something was bothering you greatly. Though he didn't have a clue what was going on in Potter's mind, he had the sneaking suspicion that something was bothering the young man. One didn't drink like he was without having an issue or two. Drinking to excess every day was something one did to escape things, not just to do it.

Sipping at his own beverage of choice, he kept an eye locked on the young wizard, trying to decide what to do. Though his rational mind was telling him clearly to leave it alone and walk away, another part, something deeper and more instinctual, was telling him differently though. Now, he was pulled in two separate directions, not sure what to do. Chances were if he did go over to Potter, it wouldn't end well. Though Potter seemed to be amiable with his cousin after ingesting quite a bit of alcohol, that didn't mean it would hold true for someone like him. He was well aware that dealing with someone that could be called drunk was a tricky business. They could be fine one minute and then, the next, turn on you completely, spoiling for or starting a fight. Neither were things he wanted. On the other hand, though, he just couldn't sit there and do nothing. That pull to do it was too strong for whatever reason.

Downing the last of his own drink, he pushed the glass aside then stood. Before he could think about it, he made his way over to where Potter was sitting. Without saying anything, he slid into the booth opposite the younger wizard then said, “Hello, Mr. Potter.”

It took Harry no time at all to recognize who was seated across from him. Snarling, a sneer marring his handsome face, he immediately put a hand on his wand then snapped, “Get out of here, Malfoy! I don't want trouble. If you press it, though, I’ll do it.”

Holding up his hands to show Potter he didn't even have hold of his wand, he replied, keeping his tone calm, “I wish to cause no trouble, Mr. Potter.”

Narrowing his eyes, Harry hissed, “Get out of here! I don't want you anywhere around me! As far as I'm concerned, you should still be in Azkaban.” Leaning back against the booth, he folded his arms over his chest and just glared at the elder Malfoy.

Alright, this wasn't going well and was a bad idea. Lucius was convinced that he shouldn't have even tried by now but as he started, he was going to finish it. “You're not the only one to feel that way,” he said dryly. “Plenty of others share your opinion on that.”

“For all you've done, you should rot there,” Harry snarled. “But you decided to turn supergrass then sell everyone out to save your own skin and that of your son, didn't you? Doubt you really feel that way but it worked to get you what you wanted when you couldn't buy your way out. You sure the name Malfoy doesn't mean snake in the grass or something like that since you always seem to find a way to wiggle out of trouble?”

Blinking rapidly, making sure his face was its normal mask to hide emotion, Lucius was stunned. Yes, in the past he had heard such things from people but Potter wasn't one he expected it from. Though the boy had an attitude, he wasn't one to say something like this. He couldn't, honestly, tell if it was the booze or just that he had changed drastically. Neither options were good ones and made it to where he was regretting the impulse to join the young man. Since he was here, though, he was going to stick it out and not beat a hasty retreat.

Gazing into the young man's eyes, he could see a slightly glassy, bloodshot look there that told him Potter was probably more than slightly inebriated. That would, indeed, explain the nastiness. It also told Lucius that he should probably tread lightly with the young man. It might not take much to set him off then the fight would be on. If that happened, whether he won or lost, he would lose since it would probably herald a trip right back to Azkaban. No, nothing was worth that. That left the question though of how to go about this.

Gazing at the young man, seeing the hatred directed towards him, he said, softly, “I don't believe I ever thanked you for saving Draco during the mess of the final battle. I should have.”

Snorting, Harry rolled his eyes and mumbled something but Lucius couldn't hear what it was. However, with the way Potter was acting, he was pretty sure he didn't know what it was either. He pressed on from there, though. Keeping his voice calm and neutral, he told him, “I do thank you for that. So did Narcissa. Most would have let him die after what he had done and tried with you but you didn't. For that, I am grateful, Mr. Potter.”

Snorting, Harry rolled his eyes then said, “Whatever. Just go, Malfoy. There is nothing you have to say that I want to hear.”

“I assumed as much, Mr. Potter. That, though, was something that I wanted to say to you for a long time now.”

“Tell me, Malfoy, since you're being amiable about this; do you regret it? All you did? And realize, finally, you were on the wrong side?” Harry asked. Though there was a sneer in his voice over it, green eyes still showing his temper, there was also a curiosity as well. He honestly did wonder that. “You followed a psychotic half-blood that spouted all the things that purebloods like you wanted to hear but was a hypocrite that wanted nothing more than power. He was taken down by a blood traitor, a mudblood and a half-blood. That has to sting.”

From Lucius' end, he wasn't sure if the young man was being sarcastic or genuinely curious about things. Both things seemed to be displayed in his face and the last part of the thing was a direct swat, he knew that. He was, though, going to go with a truthful answer. “Truthfully? I mucked up. No question. So did my father. The Dark Lord was the wrong horse to back in the race. He, like so many in the past that did such things, sounded wonderful in the beginning and spouted what so many of us wanted to hear but, in the end, as you said, he was psychotic. And he led us down the road to hell.”

Gazing at him, Harry tried to determine if he was being up front about that. Deciding, quickly, that if he wasn't he was hiding it well, he went with that he was then shook his head. “Stupidity of that kind should be painful. At least in your case, it was. Can't say I feel sorry for you, Malfoy. Any of you lot, actually.” Downing what was left in his glass, Harry looked around to order so more, at least a glass of it. If he was going to have to deal with Malfoy and not hex him into oblivion, he needed something to drink.

Seeing the young man was looking for one of the servers to order another drink, Lucius wanted to say something about him, perhaps, having had enough but held his tongue. That wasn't his place to do so and would, more than likely, result in nothing but a fight. Next thing that came to mind was asking about his cousin. Again, though, he didn't. If he did that, he would have to admit to having been here several times, something he didn't want to do as it might be taken wrong. With a sigh, he nodded at what Potter had said, “Yes, unfortunately, I learned my lesson far too late and made others suffer for it.” To admit such was out of character for him, something he was sure Potter noticed. Azkaban had a way of humbling the most arrogant and he was no different. The old Lucius Malfoy was still there but he was mellowed and willing to admit errors. He was sure that his therapy had assisted in that as well. Talking over those big mistakes and what they had cost him was the supreme in humbling of experiences, something he still had to do.

“Plenty of us,” Harry sneered at him. “How many suffered or died because of you, Malfoy? You, your son and those friends of yours? Plenty! All because you thought you were better than the rest of us.”

To Lucius, that felt like a slap. It was well deserved though, even though it really stung. Most weren't so blunt when they said such things to him. To be confronted with it in such a bald manner was something that was startling and made him uneasy since he didn't know what to say about it. There was also plenty of guilt there as well. Because it was the truth. Bad decisions he had made had cost plenty their lives and ruined many others. There were also many near misses that could have easily ended badly. All of them could easily be laid at his doorstep.

“You ever even bother to apologize to like Ginny Finnigan for that shite with the diary? Or what that could have caused if the basilisk got loose in the school? How about for that whole mess in the Department of Mysteries? Or what happened when Voldemort took power? If you did, I sure as hell didn't hear it. I also never once heard you say you were sorry to me! Then there is Draco... I get that he was in a bad situation but know what? Plenty of us were! We made the right choices and didn't kiss the robes of a madman to come out of it. Hell, plenty didn't come out of it alive but died standing up for the right thing! Your son could have done that. All he had to do was go to someone and tell them what was going on. They would have seen that he was protected and out of the war. You and your wife were grown adults so you could take care of yourselves. He didn't do that though, did he? He, too, sided the wrong way. Shouldn't be surprised about that, really. After all, he was all for Voldemort coming back. Bragged about it many times. Used it as a threat to me more than once, as a matter of fact. Both you two are out, free, and walking around while many good people are dead because of what you've done. Don't see how that is any kind of justice,” Harry snapped, signaling the bartender for another beer.

Sitting there, Lucius stared at Potter, not sure what the hell to say to that rant or even if he should reply to any of it. Worst though was that Potter was right. About all of it. There were so many mistakes he made then Draco did nothing but compound them, making the whole thing worse. So, now the question was how did one respond to such things? That he didn't know. Swallowing a few times, floundering, he then, quietly, admitted, “You're right, with all of it. There is no such thing as justice and it wasn't delivered in this case in many ways. Nor have I made amends to all that were hurt. Honestly? I wouldn't know where to start to do so.”

Snorting, Harry was about to retort with something scathing when his mobile went off. Hearing the Dr. Who theme, he knew it was Dudley. Glaring at Malfoy, hoping that kept him quiet, he said, “Yeah, Dudley? Where you at, mate? Been waiting for you.” Listening carefully, Harry sighed when he heard the explanation then rubbed his eyes before replying, “Got it. No problem, mate. And, no, I don't want to come over. Sorry, not in the mood to deal with your parents. With the mood I'm in it would just lead to a fight.” Stopping once more, he listened to his cousin before breaking in and saying, tone exasperated, “Mate, I’m fine. I can get home by myself, no problem. It's not like I live far from here. Hell, it's just a short walk. I promise I won't Apparate or anything like that and will walk. There's no reason to catch a cab.”

Sitting there, listening closely, Lucius could, honestly, see what Dudley's concern was about. Potter, though acting sober, wasn't. That could lead to issues, especially when he was on his feet and moving. Sitting was one thing, walking was a different one entirely. Assuming, with the location of this pub, that Potter was probably living at Grimmauld Place, he said, making sure that his cousin could hear it over that tellyphoney thing he was talking in, “If it's a concern, I can walk you home to ease fears, Mr. Potter.”

Eyes snapping, Harry hissed, “Stay out of this, Malfoy! You don't know where I live and I would prefer it to stay that way!”

Staying calm, Lucius replied, “You forget my wife was a Black. I know about Grimmauld Place and its proximity to here. Though I won't be able to see it or get in, I know its location. I can easily walk the couple blocks with you to ease Dudley's concern for you. Nothing devious intended, I promise.”

About to snarl once more, Harry was distracted by Dudley on the phone. Though electronic devices didn't always like wizards, he had found a small place, thanks to Hermione, that was run by another muggleborn which specialized in electronics for wizards. There were plenty that lived in both worlds that were unwilling or able to give up certain things like mobile phones so they had come up with a way to rig them so the magic didn't make them malfunction. The devices wouldn't work at a place like Hogwarts where there was so much around and ingrained in the very building itself but for basic, every day use, they were fine. That's what he had and liked it. Listening to his cousin, Harry let out an exasperated sigh. It appeared that Dudley wasn’t going to let this go easily. In fact, he doubted that he would let him off the phone if he didn't go for this. Since Dudley wasn't acquainted with the being sitting across from him nor know the history of him, he was taking the offer for what it was, urging Harry to do it. Nor would arguing with his cousin work. Dudley wasn't above dragging Uncle Vernon and Aunt Marge out with him to pick him up so he could drive him home. That wasn't something that he needed to deal with now. With the mood he was in, chances were there would be a helluva argument coming if he saw his uncle. No, he couldn't let that happen.

Scrubbing a hand through his hair, making it stick up more than it normally did, he shot an evil glare at Malfoy. Jaw clenched tightly, teeth grinding, he finally gave in. “Alright, Dudley, I'll let Malfoy walk me home. Does that satisfy you? And I'll make sure to call when I get there.” After listening a little more, he nodded, eyes rolling, then said, “We're leaving now, I promise. I'll talk to you when I get home, mate.” Hanging up, he stuffed the mobile back in his pocket then downed the beer that the bartender had delivered him while he was on the phone. After paying the man, he stood up and hissed at Lucius, “Let's get this over with.” Though staggering slightly at first, he got it together then made his way to the door at a good clip. As far as he was concerned, he needed to get out of Lucius' presence as fast as he could.

After dropping some money on the table for a tip, Lucius quickly followed Potter. As the young man was less than thrilled about this, he wouldn't put it past him to get outside then go somewhere out-of-the-way to Apparate home. He wasn't sure why he offered this but he was going to keep his word and do what he said.

Potter had taken off by himself but Lucius was quickly able to catch up. The young man was mad, he could tell that, so he didn't say anything to him, just walking beside him, keeping an eye out like he always did.

As expected, it only took a short time to get to where he knew the old Black family home was. Though he couldn't see it, it must still be under a Fidelius, a wise move, he knew it was the location. Stopping, he said, quietly, before Potter could go any further, “And I have fulfilled what I said I would do. You're home. You can call back and let Dudley know you made it safe. So, I'll bid you farewell, Mr. Potter.” Seeing the young man do nothing but glare at him then step forward and vanish into the yard of the house, Lucius hurried to the small park across the street then Apparated away.

This wasn't the end of seeing Potter, he was sure of that. If nothing else, it made him all the more concerned and determined to figure out what was poking at him. It also made him realize that he was going to have to tread lightly with the angry young man.

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Survivor's Guilt