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Treading a Troubled Track	By : SnapesOnlyOne Category: HP Canon Characters paired with Original Characters > Het - Male/Female Views: 1833 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or make any money from writing these fics.

Chapter List
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Halloween had come and passed. The festivities had been, in Severus’ own words ‘Extremely acceptable.’
As the Halloween decorations came down, the ancient castle came even more alive with the beauty of the holidays, that even Severus had been frowning less.
It has stayed on my mind since the night in my room that I’d not followed him out., Not only was I afraid of what was happening, but not entirely understanding my own feelings in this situation, this new want I have to get closer to him, or not just him, but another c. C. C. human being… but just him. My confusion has had my mind in turmoil, worse when I see him and my insides turn, but not in revulsion as it does around other men.
This time it was him that was actively doing the avoiding. And I can see now why he had made a point to speak with me when I’d avoided him.
I was beyond frustrated with him. But I couldn’t help being slightly amused with how the tables had turned. Severus had always been a mystery, but I had a feeling it was going to start unraveling soon.
If these new feelings blooming inside of me were in fact a growing attraction, then I don’t want my past to be the one thing I let rule me forever. But Severus Snape? Could I? Could he? Are either one of us really capable?
I push the notion from my head and turn my attention back to my marking, finishing the last of it and quickly shuffling from the Potions classroom and move through the dungeon. I stop in front of the portrait and as I open my mouth to speak, she smiles and the portrait swings open, allowing me into his dark room. It takes my eyes a few moments to adjust before I scan the room and find him sleeping under noting but a thin black sheet, bare chest is pale, making his skin glow against the darkness, like a guiding light beckoning me; I see a gentle sprinkling of black hair dusting down across his broad chest, leading down to where the sheet started up around his waist.
I felt a blush spread over my face as I wonder how far down that line might go… and what he’d really look like. What knowledge I do have of the human anatomy is broken in half between the few muggle science books I snuck in back home growing up and the horrid feel of what happened to me in the rebel camps with the other Death Eaters.
But I can distinguish between what they did to me, to what it could be like.
What I now realize I want it to be like, with him.
I’m not sure how long I've been standing there, but I should have felt the shift in the room, so engrossed was I in taking him all in, to put to memory, that I never noticed he wasn’t asleep.
“Enjoying the view Miss Blanchett?” he snarked, causing me to jump “Or shall I move the sheet that’s covering what has held you so captivated since you arrived…”
"I-I....."
“Ah, yes, Morwyn, how very Gryffindor of you, you’d do well there indeed. Brave enough to break into someone’s private chambers… but not quite ‘brave’ enough to speak when caught…” he drawled, mocking me, and I see his perfectly shaped brows furrow “Oh... Nothing to say? Is it… that the cat has your tongue little lioness?”
"Severus, I-I'm so sorry, I didn’t mean-"
He holds a hand up as he sits up, the sheet sliding down further, "Yes, you did.” His anger more apparent “And no, you are not."
I took a step back towards the door behind me leading to his sitting area, he nodded “And if you do not leave now Morwyn, you will know what it means to be sorry.”
I brace myself, “No.”
His brow hiked up, I’ve surprised him, “I couldn’t possibly have heard you refuse to leave my chambers Miss Blanchett. Because that would be very foolish of you indeed. And you can not be as stupid as all that…” His expression turned vicious “Not for you to have made it as long as you did under the dark lord’s rule.” My breath caught and I blinked the stinging from my eyes before it could turn to tears, hurt and anger both welling up inside of me. I don’t know why I feel this way, after all, this is Severus Snape, what exactly was I expecting? A hug and a cup of tea? Not when he told me from the very beginning that we’d never be friends.
But I push forward still.
"Please Severus" Another breath of courage, maybe I am a bloody Gryffindor, “Severus… please… can you not be like you right now. I need you to just be...."
"You need me to be what Miss Blanchett?"
I take a step toward his bed and halt again, “I don’t know what I need. And… I’m scared.” I swallow the lump in my throat “You reached out before… please don’t turn me away when I need you now.”
His gaze blank as stone, betraying nothing of his thoughts.
It feels like an eternity before he responds.
*****
I’d been so angry when I’d last left her chambers, letting myself be so bloody weak, to show that kind of timidity. I’d spent so long building on my own walls, only to let them come down in front of her. So I let myself lash out at her, still so incensed with myself. I knew that I’d hurt her with what I’d just said, and I know she’s correct. I had been trying to get her to open up about what had happened with her, knowing that keeping it all bundled up safe and sick inside of her, that she would break.
She isn’t to blame that I'd felt that strong of a pull to her. She shouldn’t have to be in charge of the attraction I feel blossoming between the two of us. But I know her youth and inexperience keeps her from truly understanding this. Or knowing how to or where to take it now that she knows she is feeling this. I can see it in her face, so transparent even after everything she has been through.
Despite what very few know, I haven’t ever had to reach out as I have with her, Slytherin students require their own privacy and rarely come to me with such a pressing need to speak of intimate problems. So to have her slap away the proverbial olive branch I’ve extended has made me reluctant to try again. But here she is in front of me now, asking.
But if I am unable to get close to her, what does she really want of me, and where would I go with this, if I can’t get close enough to explore this. This could have the potential to go many ways, but one wrong move could push her over the edge again and maybe since she was the one to reach out to me, it could be even worse. She has made reference to holding no value in her life, so would I be pushing her even more?
I see her swallow, and I let the hand resting on my thigh turn and lift, beckoning her to me, giving her the option. I see her waver, and so I gesture to the spot at the end of the bed. Her eyes cut around the room, looking for another place to rest, and when none show availability, she slowly lowers down onto the very corner edge of the bed, furthest away from me, watching me cautiously.
I can read her like a book; nervous, scared, frustrated and angry all at once. Gryffindor she’d be indeed, she pushes through with a ridiculous bravado. Ridiculous, but impressive, another man may have smiled. However my amusement is pushed onto the backburner when the most effectual of emotions that I hate to admit to myself is bafflement, I am baffled, imagine that, me not knowing where to proceed. I see the obvious large step she’s taken in just sitting down on a bed with a man. Let alone onto the bed of a man in the state of undress as I currently am.
I clear my throat to ready her, that I am going to speak, she wanted to stay in here, then she will listen when I talk to her. She can no longer run from me, if she indeed does need me, I know it was hard for her to admit, then she has to listen.
“Morwyn, do you remember what I said to you? That your fear would be the end of you, your complete failure and I meant it.” I sit up straighter, my back against the dark mahogany four poster canopy headboard, pulling my black silk sheet higher up around my waist. I won’t offer to dress, she came in here, she can see me as I am. Scars and all, I know of which she can see, they criss cross over my chest, over my abdomen and all along my flank and down into where she can’t see. Where I’ve never let anyone see.
“Morwyn, what we’ve endured, there is any wonder we’ve not lost what sanity we’ve left. You think Bellatrix was born that insane?" I scoff, “She was unhinged in our youth, but not as bad as she became in the ranks of Voldemort's inner circle, it was not Azkaban that did that to… no… I think her time there was a respite she never knew she needed. Her sick adoration of Tom Riddle” I couldn’t help but spit that horrid name, a curse all in it’s own, “clouded whatever humanity was left inside of her.” I braced myself for what I was about to say, that might upset her, but needed to be said. “You are NOT the only one that was brutalized… and he made sure we knew there was nothing we could do about it. It was unfortunate that you were there so young, and by wizarding law unable to do magic at the time, you were unable to defend yourself, as I’m sure he liked… so he gave you the only purpose he prefered a young female could serve. You should have never been there, Morwyn.”
I saw her eyes glisten.
*****
Normally I would have balked at being told what he was currently vocalizing. And even though I hate showing emotion, I didn’t feel as cut wide open as I’d feel with anyone else. He brought that out in me, and so I didn’t wipe away the moisture gathering in my eyes. I need to open up to him, I… need him.
It’s obvious that we both have so much healing to go through, I know that I myself have more. I hate how young I am, sitting in front of this man; a living and breathing, virile and attractive man… a part deep inside of me that is waking up to him, is glad that they didn’t completely ruin me as I’d thought. Looking at his chest, I feel a throb deep in my core and it both terrifies and excites me. I don’t want to walk away. I know that if I leave him now… whatever tenuous thing this is building between us, would be irrevocably shattered.
The spot on his bed he’d motioned to earlier, I now made my way to.
“Severus…” his coverlet becomes very interesting all of a sudden, I can’t look at his face and certainly not his chest and definitely not lower, though I find the thought growing increasingly tempting. He looks at me, his dark gaze unfathomable.
“I’ve not the proper experience of a witch my age, the only thing I know is what I went through… so I’m sorry if this sounds terribly juvenile.” I brace myself for his rejection, “But, will you hold me? I’ve… no one’s ever held me before.”
*****
And no one had ever held me.
“Morwyn…” I know my voice has gone to gravel, “Come.” I motion to the space next to me, pulling the sheet higher over my abdomen, covering myself for her benefit, this is not about lust, I ease back down into a reclined position and open my arms to her, feeling slightly awkward, unknowing any form of gentleness in my life.
I watch her gather herself, slipping her boots off and standing before shedding her cloak, and I watch her take her time draping it gently over the foot of the bed.
*****
I swallow, this is what I need. I take a deep breath and make my way slowly, starting from the end of the bed on the side he currently sprawls arms open, and as I move around to the other unused side of the bed, he turns his body towards it. When I’m finally there, I place one knee on the bed and look at him for reassurance, when he stays still, I climb all the way up onto the soft bed, slowly starting to crawl toward him. I know I must come off as awkward, sitting straight up, facing the opposite wall as he is waiting, but he doesn’t rush. And that is all I need to let myself lie down next to him and ease into position at his side. With my head resting in the crook of his elbow, wandless magic calls the comforter from the end of the bed and up over, laying it out on the both of us, before he is curling his other arm around me.
I feel protected, for the first time in my life. His body is rigid, I can feel how unsure he is in holding me; new, I can tell, to comforting another human being so intimately.
After a moment I feel him beginning to relax against me, so I turn my body more to him, bringing my hands up and letting them rest gently against his chest, looking up at him under my lashes for permission. His blink is my confirmation, and I feel myself melt into him, my head tucking under his chin, I can’t help but let out a sigh of contentment.
*****
She feels right, in my arms, she fits perfectly. I let my arms close around her petite frame completely; I feel a thrill where her small hands rest so softly on my skin.
It’s there, where I feel her breathing even out and I realize she has fallen asleep in my arms, body relaxed and her mind at ease... at least for now.
I watch the peaceful rise and fall of her chest as she sleeps, tucked tightly against me and I am in disbelief. I stare at her for a few moments wondering how in the hell it has come to this. I have never in my years been in such an intimate though innocent position, and it feels so wrong, but also very right which is terrifying.
I brush the hair gently from her face and rest my cheek against the sleep flushed skin of her forehead, feeling her nestle in a little closer. I know I shouldn’t keep doing this, but I feel as if I can't stop it, the situation is too sensitive and she is too in need for me to just pull away. But I can feel something starting, something I’ve never been privy to, something I’ve always needed but have never known how to accept - not that it was offered - , or even if I want to, she is, after all still so young. I am twice her age, with my own inexperience of how to handle a relationship. This is just as new to me since no one has ever wanted me in any way except to use me and I get the feeling that she does want me, even though she may not quite see it in it's entirety just yet.
How can I turn this away, but how can I stay and potentially risk damaging her even more than she already is? I’ve fought my whole life to be able to make my own choices and this is what it has come down to... I close my eyes, feeling myself growing tired, I let her quiet breathing lull me to sleep, my mind stopping, for now.
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Treading a Troubled Track