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Extracts from the Diary of S. Snape	By : SickPuppy Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Snape Views: 9296 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 0
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Severus Snape and the Perfumed Arsehole (1992 – 1993)

Resting at Spinner's End, Severus had put the previous year behind him, and was even over the annoyance that once again Albus had picked someone else for the DADA role. Snape didn't know which idiot had volunteered for a clearly jinxed job, but he had hoped that one day Albus would stop fannying around and let him teach the damn subject for once! Still, he reached for a cup of tea and slurped happily, enjoying not having to be 'Professor Snape' for a few more glorious weeks.

Afternoon had dulled into evening and he was just contemplating a glass of firewhisky when he heard the polite cough of someone (usually Albus) using the fire to talk to him. It wasn't lit; even Snape couldn't pretend that Britain in August was that cold, but still, the hearth had been left open should communication be necessary. That was not his idea, but the sodding ringmaster of the circus that was his life. Yes, ringmaster, can I jump through ten fire-lit hoops now, ringmaster? Oh, and do it blindfolded, covered in petrol, and singing opera?

“Severus?”

Oh just fuck off, Albus.

“Yes?”

“Harry's used magic at his house. Have a look into it, would you?”

You fucking do it if you're so worried.

“Of course.”

Quite what Albus expected him to discover, Severus couldn't have said. He didn't imagine Petunia would be thrilled if he suddenly turned up and asked to come in. So, from the outside he had a look – no obvious fire damage, no Muggles missing fingers or other appendages, bars on the window... wait, bars on the window?

Eyes narrowing he tried to see into the room. A blob crossed the glass – a black haired, bespectacled blob.

Those fucking Muggles have locked up a wizard?! Snape was furious. Even if Harry Bloody Potter was a total pain in the arse (and he sympathised that living with him would probably try every nerve the Dursleys had), he wasn't some animal to be imprisoned!

Glancing around, Severus loosened the bolts holding the bars in place, wondering if one of the boy's useless friends would attempt a rescue. Although the boy had the Trace, he guessed (correctly) that the Ministry had done a few spells, to sort things out and were not watching the boy so closely. With the bolts looser, he thought he'd give it two days then drop a hint to Albus.

Having done all he could (and quietly pleased that at least the idiot boy was incapable of going off rampaging somewhere and putting himself in danger), he went back to his home. But its peace was spoiled. His mind raced at thoughts of Harry captured and unable to return to Hogwarts. He, Snape, wouldn't miss him, but Dumbledore would pitch a shit-fit if Harry didn't get his magical education. Severus really didn't see the point – Harry barely had the brains to manage breathing and eating at the same time, so why bother trying to get his thick head to comprehend the finer points of wand lore?

Feeling oddly guilty that he'd left Harry locked up, Snape resolved to check on him the following morning. But when he did, he saw a giant hole in the wall where a window had been, and no sign of the boy. Chuckling to himself at the sight, he slid his eyes over the Dursley men who were bemoaning the wreckage but celebrating the boy's absence from their lives for the next few months.

---

Before term started, Albus hurried up to Severus and whispered that Harry and Ron hadn't got on the train.

And I'd care because...?

He agreed to wait at the entrance hall in case they arrived late. Anything was better than sitting next to that perfumed arse hole Lockhart as he smiled 'winningly' all around. Severus was sure he'd seen the perfect hair slip and longed to just keep pushing the damned toupee off so everyone could see what a total fraud the berk was. And this was whom Dumbledore had chosen over him? It was a fucking insult!

Standing at the entrance he saw a car come flying drunkenly over the grounds and head straight for the Whomping Willow. Serves them right, he thought, enjoying the idea of the two boys battered by an irate tree.

He saw them hurrying up and looking in at the windows and could just hear their comments “Maybe he left cos he didn't get the Defence Against the Dark Arts job again” “No-one likes him”– cheeky fuckers! Although, he did enjoy making them both practically piss their pants when he started speaking behind them.

Shame I can't expel the twats! he thought, knowing that Saint Potter would never be expelled. And if he got away with tonight's misadventure, so too would his misbegotten friend. But this year, Snape was determined that the Gryffindor wasn't going to have everything his own way. He smiled as he thought of the new racing brooms kindly donated by Lucius.

---

Honestly, I give up! Albus had again asked Severus to keep an eye on Harry during his wanderings, and had therefore seen him and his two friends go to Nearly Headless Nick's Deathday party. Typical of Gryffindors – even their ghost is a joke. Sadly, he'd lost track of them as he'd been forced to deal with two students who were trying to get rather more intimate than the school rules allowed. By the time he had located the terrible trio, they were pointedly not staring at the writing on the wall and at the Petrified cat swinging from a nearby sconce.

But, of course, this had nothing to do with Potter, Albus. Obviously. He just happened to be wandering by when writing suddenly appeared on the wall and the cat Petrified herself!

Why do I even bother?

---

Severus Snape watched the Quidditch match with disbelieving eyes. It was like the damned boy was just taunting them now. He flew rings around Malfoy and even managed to catch the snitch whilst being attacked by a bludger. Dropping his face into his hands, Severus wondered just how he'd be able to write up the match events for the Slytherin notice board and not make Draco sound like a complete arse.

He missed Lockhart deboning Harry and could only groan when he next looked up and saw the floppy arm wobbling about. It wasn't bad enough he had to protect Harry from bludgers and his own stupidity; now he had to protect him from incompetent teachers too!

Speaking of Potter's own stupidity... during a fraught Potions lesson (was there any other kind with Gryffindors?) a firework had been thrown into Goyle's cauldron. Snape had stamped over, ready to commit murder when he saw the smoking item. A firework? In a cauldron?! And he bet he knew who had done it... turning his dark eyes on Harry, he resisted the impulse to see into the boy's mind. Who needed that? Seeing all those desperate pathetic wanking sessions and all the late night wanderings around the school? No, he could just tell from the boy's face that he had done it, and he was going to pay.

It wasn't long after that he lost a game of wizard chess with Minerva Mcgonagall and had to assist Lockhart with his stupid duelling club. He and the witch were well matched when it came to chess, so he had felt like he stood a chance when she had made it clear that the loser had to be Lockhart's 'assistant'. The smirk she had given as she had checkmated him made him feel positively murderous.

So now here he was, watching Lockhart make a total prat of himself, giving Draco a chance to make up for his useless performance and hearing Harry somehow talk to a snake. Ah yes, nice normal behaviour from The Boy Who Lived!

---

Granger turned into a cat! I laughed til I puked! Snape did wonder why the terrible trio had been trying to use polyjuice potion. Whatever rubbish she had told Poppy, Severus recognised the effects of a disastrous transformation. Some part of him was grudgingly impressed that she had managed to make the potion, even if she had added an animal part by mistake. But still, there was that nagging doubt. How was he meant to keep watch over Harry if the boy could change into anyone?

---

Valentine's Day. Merlin, there is not enough firewhisky in the world to make me forget today. First Severus had been forced to open a card in the staff room that had had the other teachers incredibly curious and gazing at him as though their favourite idiot son had suddenly started reciting the entirety of the Odyssey in the original Greek, and then, after he had read the vapid message inside (My dearest Severus,

Your black eyes shine into my eyes,

I long to see your true love's smile,

I ache to be your one and only,

Open your heart and let my love in!

Forever yours,

An admirer xxx) and thrown the card on the fire, he had been assaulted by the sheer scale of Lockhart's stupidity. The entire Great Hall had been re-decorated in frankly alarming shades of pink, and dwarves wandered the hall dressed as cupids, delivering hideous valentine's day messages that made his own awful one seem positively Shakespearean.

Lockhart had thrown an arm around him, and only Dumbledore's stern glance had prevented him hexing the bollocks off the irritating teacher. After encouraging everyone to enjoy, Gilderoy had whispered in his ear, “Did you get any interesting valentines?”

And Snape knew, just knew, that Lockhart had sent him the stupid card. What had the man been playing at? Was he just tormenting Severus about his piss poor love life? Or did he actually imagine he wanted Snape to bugger him senseless?

“I could drown in your eyes,” Lockhart murmured.

Kill me. Just kill me.

---

Some days are better than others. The day Hermione Granger was Petrified Severus felt was a very good day indeed. She seemed to have a knack for finding his last fraying nerve and sawing at it with her constant shrill questions. But now, finally, peace reigned. Even the terrible trio (now back to the dumb duo) were quiet; terrified, no doubt of having to actually pay attention for once as they wouldn't have Hermione's notes to copy from.

Unfortunately, with this latest attack, and with Dumbledore's removal, a tension had crept around the staff and students at the school that meant Severus dealt with far more arguments and duels than he normally had to. Dealing with those and avoiding punching Lockhart (who had decided that Snape was just playing hard to get and of course he loved Lockhart) strained his temper so much that he had a permanent headache from constantly grinding his teeth. He was annoyed too, that Lockhart couldn't seem to get a clue. No, he wasn't desperately lonely, and certainly not for a vain prat who barely knew one end of a wand from another. Had he thought it possible, he'd have happily screwed Lockhart, or received a blow job, but he knew if he did, the other would become even more insufferable, assuming that they were somehow together.

Severus could think of no worse a fate than being stuck with Lockhart, unless it was having to wake up to the Boy Who Lived's gormless face every morning.

---

And then Harry went into the Chamber of Secrets. Cheering internally as Lockhart came out with no memory of himself, let alone his crush, Severus had allowed a small smile to twitch across his lips. Although, once again, he despaired for the Dark Lord. Somehow, Harry Sodding Potter had defeated a memory of You-Know-Who with the Sorting Hat. He had heard that the boy had pulled the sword of Gryffindor from the hat – well, wasn't that convenient? - and had played pin the sword on the snake before stabbing a diary to destroy the memory of Riddle.

Oh yes, obvious when you put it like that – destroy the diary to defeat the Dark Lord. So simple!

Next year: Severus Snape and that Bastard Sirius Black
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Extracts from the Diary of S. Snape