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To have loved, and lost (was Missed Chances)	By : professorflo Category: Harry Potter > Het - Male/Female > Snape/Hermione Views: 10669 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of the characters within. I make no money from this story.

Chapter List
- 1-Remebrance
- 2-2.
- 3-3.
- 4-4.
- 5-5.
- 6-6.
- 7-7.
- 8-8.
- 9-9.
- 10-10.
- 11-11.
- 12-12.
- 13-13.
- 14-14.
- 15-15.
- 16-16.
- 17-17.
- 18-18.
- 19-19.
- 20-20.
- 21-21.
- 22-22.
- 23-23.
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Severus shifted uncomfortably. All the drink was making him need to pee, but he wasn’t sure he’d make it without falling over flat on his face. His eyes fell on an empty bottle lying near his feet. Perhaps he could use it to… No, even as pissed as he was, he had more self-respect than that. Carefully he managed to push himself to his feet and stood there swaying unsteadily, his bottle clutched tightly to his chest.

Concentrating hard on what he was doing with his feet, he shuffled slowly towards where one section of the bookcases swung open, revealing the usually hidden way through to the kitchen and the stairs leading upstairs. He only spared the latter a quick glance as he went past. There was no way he was getting up there and back down again in one piece.

As he passed through into the kitchen he staggered, tripping over his own feet and whacking his shoulder hard against the doorframe. He grunted with the pain, and barely managed to stop himself dropping his precious cargo. Deciding it would be a good idea to leave it somewhere safe for a few moments while he dealt with his problem, he gingerly set the bottle down on the nearest kitchen surface. After a moment’s contemplation he extended one finger and pushed it slowly to the back of the counter, just in case it decided to fall off by itself.

He finally made it to the tiny toilet that had been built onto the back of the house at some point, replacing the original outbuilding. Propping himself up with one arm against the wall he opened his trousers to do his business, steadfast ignoring the haggard image that stared back at him from the mirror. He knew he looked like shit. He’d never been much to look at in any case, and the drink and current lack of personal hygiene did him no favours. What she had ever seen in him to begin with was a complete mystery, although it may be worth further thought, especially if he was to win her back.

He finished, doing up the front of his trousers with care, pleased with himself for not abandoning his dignity and using the empty bottle.

It wasn’t until he turned around to wash his hands that he realised he’d pissed in the sink.
2 years, 9 months earlier.

Severus had watched her growing confusion over the past few weeks, as she’d tried to understand the change in his behaviour. He’d been laying it on stronger and stronger for the past four weeks now, although he hadn’t yet declared his interest. She was still trying to keep her feelings in check by constantly telling herself she was misunderstanding him, and he could never possibly want her. Yet she couldn’t stop the hope blossoming within her as he began to woo her.

After leaving Lucius’ that evening he’d left himself the next week to mull over the situation and plan out what he was to do, as he had a whole week before they had arranged to meet again. At least his behaviour towards Hermione so far had been relatively solicitous, even if he had held her at arm’s length. Of course, taking the relationship to the next step would need careful thought. It was how to go about making the change from friendship to something more that was the problem. It needed to be done right, to seem like a natural progression from their current standing into. Severus had never set out to attract any woman besides Lily before, and wasn’t quite sure how to go about it.

He had actually frittered away far too much time thinking about what he would do with her once he had her. Now that he had her in his sights and was preparing to seduce her he couldn’t seem to stop his thoughts running wild. It had been an effort to stop the fantasising and start to figure out what to do to actually get her into his bed.

He’d devoured the couple of classic romances his mother had left amongst her collection of books, hoping for some inspiration, and had noted that many of the heroines enjoyed being swept away with some ridiculous romantic gesture. He’d used the knowledge to plan out the evening where he would formally declare his interest. As for getting to that point, well he’d just turn up the charm a bit, throw in a rose or something… maybe a book or two. She liked books.

That first meeting had been the hardest. Even with all of his preparation it had been hard to judge what was appropriate. He didn’t want to come across as desperate, or Merlin forbid, needy. Her fantasies involving him made it very clear in what sort of light she viewed him. She liked the dark, domineering side of him. The element of danger, the feeling of power surrounding him was what really made her wet between the legs. She was a strong witch herself, her aura sometimes crackled with it when she was wound up. She needed a wizard more powerful than her. It was why a relationship with the Weasely idiot would never have worked, he would never have been enough for her.

So he’d started his campaign by suggesting a different bar to meet at that evening. The furnishings were a touch more luxurious, the lighting dimmer but not too dark. He’d been even more fastidious in his appearance than usual, making sure to arrive early enough that he could choose a secluded corner before the bar started filling up. She’d been delighted with the gift of a particularly rare book that he’d pretended he’d found by chance when he’d actually spent ages searching for it in order to add to his own collection. It would come back to him when they married he figured, so the loss was well worth it. Over the course of the evening he’d subtly shifted closer to her in the small booth, making sure that his touches lingered a fraction longer than usual, that he leant close enough that his breath stirred the hair on her neck as he whispered in her ear.

He’d rather enjoyed the view down her v neck jumper as her breathing had deepened with his increasing proximity. Her pupils, already wide in the dim light, had dilated even further as her arousal grew. The high point had come near the end of the evening when he’d leaned over to say something, and at the same time she’d turned her head to do the same, and they’d suddenly found themselves face to face, only a few inches away from each other.

She’d bitten down hard on her lip as she’d frozen, eyes locked on his for a few moments, before a loud noise at the next table distracted her and she looked away. In those seconds Severus had managed to slip into her head and had got a fair idea of how the evening had gone. She’d not consciously picked up on his change in behaviour, although she’d been affected by it. He’d found it hard not to smirk as he caught sight of what she planned to do with the new vibrator later that evening. Hermione had found it hard to meet his eyes after that, and the evening had soon after drawn to a natural close. He’d gone home that evening feeling very satisfied with himself.

She’d suggested meeting again the following Saturday, being busy on the Friday, and he’d agreed, but after two days he was so impatient to move on with reeling her in that he’d contrived to meet her as she left the Ministry that Tuesday. He had a contract with the Department of Magical Accidents and Catastrophes to supply them with a few rarer potions that they sometimes needed, although he usually sent one the lackeys that worked for him. That day, he’d taken them in himself, made sure to bump into her accidentally at the lifts (after the use of several different charms and an hour of waiting). He’d mentioned that he was planning on grabbing a meal out, as he’d not had time to prepare anything, so much had gone wrong that day, oh and would she like to join him?

It had been the first proper meal they’d eaten out together, he didn’t count the times they’d grabbed snacks from the bar menu, and it had been another successful evening. She’d been worried that she wasn’t suitably dressed for dinner, but he’d made her blush furiously by telling her she looked stunning. He had taken her to a restaurant, carefully chosen beforehand, where she wouldn’t feel underdressed or out of place in what she was wearing. He’d turned up the charm another notch, and when he’d walked her home he’d wrapped his cloak around her and tucked her under his arm the moment she’d shivered in the cold December air.

That evening had started a precedent, and at least twice a week since they’d met up, now usually for a meal rather than drinks. They had only gone to restaurants with a relaxed atmosphere so far, since they’d continued to go eat after she’d finished work. Tonight, however, being a Saturday, he’d told her they were going somewhere special, and that she needed to dress up. Tonight was the night that he made his intentions clear. Lucius had informed him that the law was now in the final stages of being drafted, and he knew he needed to get a move on before it was announced.

He’d asked Lucius to help him book a table at the most exclusive restaurant in wizarding London, near the river, and had planned a moonlit stroll afterwards. It was almost disgustingly romantic, but all the books seemed to indicate that women like this sort of thing. Mind you, it had almost been worth it just for his first glimpse of her as she opened her door to him. She’d tamed her rat’s nest, pulling it back to hang down the back of her neck, and the neckline of her black dress was low enough to provide him with a broad expanse of creamy skin that he’d never feasted his eyes on before. The dress was floor length, clinging to her curves perfectly, and in that moment he’d never wanted her so much. None of the women he’d been seeing could compare. She was stunning… and soon to be his.

She’d blushed under his scrutiny, greeting him shyly, before turning to reach for a cloak and purse that were laid over the hall table. Severus had got his second treat of the evening, as he’d caught sight of the back of her gown, or rather the lack of it. It had only taken a second for him to reach out to grab her cloak so he could help her put it on, giving him the chance to ‘accidentally’ brush the back of his hand against her shoulder-blade. Her skin was warm and soft, and he’d wondered what it would be like to be able to touch her freely, to run his hands over parts of her body that he had not yet seen.

She’d trembled at his touch, shifting quickly to face him once again, as if to mask her reaction. “Shall we go?” she’d asked brightly.

In reply he’d reached into a pocket in his own cloak and pulled out a single red rose, perfectly formed and protected with a charm, and proffered it to her. A flash of confusion had crossed her face, and had seemed uncertain as she’d reached out to take it, peering up into his face in an attempt to figure out why she was giving her such a gift. At first she hadn’t appeared to know what to do with it, but eventually she’d pulled out her wand, slicing off most of the stem, and had tucked the flower into her hair.

He’d offered his arm to her, and when she’d taken it, had apparated them a short distance from the restaurant. She’d been surprised when they’d finally arrived, frowning at some unknown thought. She obviously knew the reputation of this place, and how difficult it was to get in to, especially at the weekend, although was too polite to ask how he had managed it.

Dinner had been perfect, the food sublime, and their conversation interesting and intelligent, although once or twice she’d become quiet, clearly contemplating something as she concentrated on the meal in front of her. By the time he’d got her attention and she’d looked back up at him, she’d stopped thinking about what it was that was bothering her, as he’d discerned nothing when he’d slipped into her mind.

She’d been oblivious to his scrutiny as she’d polished off the last of her chocolatey dessert, and he’d sat back and enjoyed the view, enjoying most particularly the way her breasts moved in her low cut dress. He’d been so transfixed by the sight, wondering if she’d used a charm or had just let them hand freely, that as she’d reluctantly put down her spoon and looked across at him, she’d caught him blatantly checking her out. The resulting blush had spread across her chest as well as her cheeks, and to save her embarrassment he’d quickly mentioned his idea of a walk, and she’d agreed just as fast.

Now, they had been walking along the river in silence for some time as he built up the courage to broach the subject that was foremost on his mind. Glancing down at the small figure clinging to his arm, he could see that she was also deep in thought, a small furrow between her eyes as she looked out over the scene with blank eyes. He wished he could slip into her mind just then to see if there was something wrong, but her face was turned slightly away and he couldn’t see into her eyes.

They wandered slowly along the path for a few more minutes before reaching a quiet spot that Severus decided would be a perfect place. As he gently steered them to a halt, he took her hand from his arm and turned so they were facing each other, before taking a deep breath and preparing to speak.

“Severus?” She took the wind out of his sails by speaking first, although she was clearly nervous enough not to be able to look up at him, instead concentrating on where he was still holding her hand.

“Yes…?” He hated how his voice shook slightly.

“I… What is this, Severus? What’s going on?”

“What do you mean?”

“This…” She waved a hand around at their surroundings. “Tonight, dinner… everything. It wasn’t really until this evening that I realised… You’ve been acting strangely the past few weeks.”

“Strangely?” He felt suddenly defensive, and although she was giving him a perfect opening, it wasn’t in his plan and he struggled to know how to reply.

“Yes, going for meals, giving me roses and books. Why are you suddenly doing this? What’s changed?”

He stared at her for a few seconds in silence, lost for words. He’d had it all planned out, exactly what he wanted to say to convince her he felt something for her, without actually saying the words, and now it was all going wrong.

Her face fell when he failed to speak, and she stepped backwards, pulling her hand out of his. “I’m sorry, I don’t think… I can’t do this anymore.”

Now it was his turn to be confused. “Can’t do what?”

“This…” Hermione waved her hand between the two of them. “I don’t…”

She paused again, and he realised that she was on the verge of tears, when she looked up at him with big mournful eyes. Automatically he slipped inside her mind, and immediately realised what had her so wound up. For once there were no clear visuals, just a strong feeling of misery, and the only thing he had to compare it to, was how he felt about Lily. Her gaze fell again, breaking the link.

“I think you know… you must have realised by now… how I… I mean, a friendly drink every week or two I can manage, but all this…” She reached up to touch the rose in her hair. “I wish I could help the way I feel, Severus, but I can’t.”

To his horror a large tear fell from one eye and started to slide down a pale cheek. This was not the way it was supposed to go.

She continued speaking, taking another step back away from him. “I think I need some time… I need to move on. Maybe in a couple of months we can…”

He realised he was about to lose her. He needed to intervene quickly.

“Hermione…”

He stepped forward and rested his hands on her upper arms. She stopped talking immediately, her head bowed. She looked defeated, strangely resigned. He took his future in his hands, and started speaking.

“You’ve got it wrong.” He lifted a hand to her cheek and tried to brush away her tears. “I’m sorry, I’ve made a complete mess of this. I wanted to ask you… I want…”

She finally looked up at him as he paused, and he couldn’t but help thinking of Lily. She wasn’t her, could never replace her, but he couldn’t think of anyone he’d rather tie himself to. The girl was clever like Lily, cleverer even, and caring too, although she would never be as beautiful. No one was as beautiful as his Lily. He would made do with her, though. Young, smart and with a body that he couldn’t wait to claim, he would be a fool to let her go, despite the fact he would never love her the way she did him.

It was surely better for him that she felt so strongly. It would be easier to mould her into the wife he wanted, it would surely be simple enough to manipulate her. He’d learnt his lesson with Lily, never be the one to care more. That way only led to heartache. It never pricked his conscience that he would only be causing her the same anguish that he had suffered. As long as he had what he wanted, he didn’t care. He just hoped he wouldn’t need to profess feelings he didn’t have in order to get her.

“I want to ask your permission to be allowed to court you,” he blurted, inwardly cringing at his lack of finesse.

She blinked in confusion. “Court me…”

He may as well just go for it now. “Yes, with the eventual intention of asking you to marry me.”

She seemed stunned, although he wasn’t sure that her normally quick mind had quite caught up with that she had heard. “But… but you…”

He silenced her by leaning down and pressing his lips to hers. He had meant it to be only a quick kiss, but her mouth was as sweet as it looked and he couldn’t help wrapping his arms around her, and encouraging her to open her lips to him with gentle flicks of his tongue. Merlin, if her mouth tasted this good he couldn’t wait to have the rest of her. His intention to wait until after they were married was almost scuppered there and then. He’d not touched a woman since learning of the new law, so it was with some effort that he forgot all thoughts of apparating the two of them straight to his bedroom, and instead pulled back to ascertain his effect on her.

It was a moment before her eyes flickered open, and smugly he saw that she was at least at dazed as he felt. He waited with baited breath as she pulled herself together enough to speak, and when she did, it was clear that she was still struggling to comprehend quite what was happening.

“I don’t understand. I… I thought you didn’t like me… like that.”

He smiled down at her. “You were mistaken. Whatever gave you that impression?”

She chewed her lips for a moment, the little crease between her brows returning as she “All this time – we’ve been… friends, for a couple of years now, but you must have known how I felt. You never said anything, never made me believe for one second that you felt anything more than friendship for me. Why now, Severus?”

Now he felt on surer ground, having assumed she would ask this, and thought about his answer.

“I wanted to give you a chance; some time, to find… happiness, with someone… younger, more worthy of you. But I’ve realised I cannot just stand by and let you walk away without asking just once for a chance to court you. I know I am not handsome, or the most pleasant of men… (There, he had warned her) and I have more than a few years on you. You could have anyone you want, there are surely many out there far better than me.”

He let his head drop in mock sorrow. He was sure there was nothing more likely to work than a suggestion that he thought badly of himself. She was far too compassionate, too sentimental. It made her far too easy to manipulate.

She looked startled for a moment, before her face softened. “Oh Severus…” She lifted both hands and cupped his face. “There is no one else, only you. I don’t care how old you are, and it’s not like I’m under the impression that you’ve got a particularly… friendly personality. And just for the record, I disagree completely with you…” Her hands dropped from his face as she reached up to place a quick kiss on his lips. “I think you’re extremely handsome.”

Thank Merlin he was so good at hiding his true emotions, or he’d be looking ridiculously smug and pleased with himself right now.

“So… you mean…?”

She smiled generously as she slipped her arms around his waist, even as she blushed deeply once again. “I’ve wanted you for so long Severus. Yes, yes/ I don’t know precisely what it entails in the wizarding world, but, yes, you have my permission to… to court me.”
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To have loved, and lost (was Missed Chances)