Adult-FanFiction.org : Harry Potter

Extra Credit: ASE Oneshot Collection	By : Thunderbird Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Draco Views: 3969 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any affiliated characters. I make no profit from this story.

Chapter List
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A/N: Happy New Year everyone! Its still 2019 where I am, but we're only a few hours away. I'm pretty damn excited I finally got this done. It's long as hell, a whole lot longer than I expected. It's Kyle's story, and it may not be your thing, but I do love this man and I wanted to give him his happy ending. I hope you're open to exploring his part of this universe. Harry and Draco do make an appearance, and more details of their relationship are sprinkled throughout the story.
This is Kyle's tale though. And it has a very happy ending, don't worry.
As always, please let me know what you think! I always welcome feedback! <3
Comfort Zone:
HARRY POTTER’S SHOCKING NEW BEAU! A DATE IN DIAGON! PHOTOS INSIDE!
That’s right Potter-heads! Our beloved Savior-turned-playboy is at it again, with a surprising new companion. You may not believe your eyes, but the photos don’t lie. The Man Who Conquered was spotted in Diagon Alley only days ago with none other than Draco Malfoy, son of former Death Eater and now French ex-patriot Lucius Malfoy. Onlookers were stunned to see the two so cozy in public. After their infamous Hogwarts rivalry and their opposing roles in the Second War, we have to wonder how these two could possibly be friends, let alone lovers.
Yet after their shopping spree at Flourish & Blotts, the couple was seen canoodling at Fortescue’s Ice Cream Parlor, and there can now be no question as to the nature of their relationship.
The fact that this is the first time our darling Harry has been spotted all summer, and the obvious ease and intimacy between the two lovers, makes us wonder how long this affair has been going on. Has Harry Potter finally found true love? Or is Malfoy just Flavor of the Month? This wouldn’t be the first time…
Kyle Bergeron sucked his teeth and skimmed the rest of the article. He didn’t much care about the history of these two contentious lovers or the speculation over whether or not the relationship was “going anywhere.” He already knew, firsthand, better than anyone, what that relationship was. Draco had told him.
I’m in love with him. I just… am.
It didn’t matter if the public was skeptical. There was a certainty in Draco the day he had broken up with Kyle that made Kyle realize it would be pointless to argue. And he hadn’t even known then that the man in question, the man Draco was dumping Kyle for, was Harry Potter. But it didn’t matter. Draco’s conviction had been evident, and the photos accompanying the article only confirmed how crazy they were about each other.
The photos. Kyle swallowed back the bit of bile that had risen in his throat and looked them over. Draco and Potter walking down the streets of Diagon Alley, shoulder to shoulder; Draco and Potter sharing idle touches while they browsed for books in Flourish & Blotts; Draco leaning over to say something in Potter’s ear, and Potter smiling like he had a secret. And the finale, the Big One, the coup de grâce: Draco and Potter sharing ice cream at a table at Fortescue’s, staring at each other with more desire than was really decent to publish in a paper anyone could read, making a chocolatey mess of their mouths. And then Potter, his eyes flitting to Draco’s mouth, leaning over, wiping a bit of chocolate off of Draco’s pale lip (the photo was in black and white, but Kyle knew from experience just how pale Draco’s lips were) before leaning in for a kiss, so tender, their mouths meeting softly…
“Oh sweet Merlin, will you please stop torturing yourself?”
Kyle tore his eyes from the morbidly mesmerizing photograph and looked up at his office mate. She was staring at him with unmistakable irritation, what Kyle had come to understand early on as her “no-nonsense” face, her eyes thin slits and her lips pursed like she was sucking on a lemon.
“Honestly,” she went on, now that she had his attention. “He’s not even worth it. He’s Draco bloody Malfoy, and I can’t understand why you even liked him in the first place.”
Kyle sighed. He and Angelina had already had this conversation multiple times, and Kyle had wearied quickly of trying to explain that Draco had clearly changed and was no longer the same “stuck up little shite” that Angelina had known at Hogwarts. Angelina never believed him when he said this, so he didn’t see the point of continuing the argument.
“Well, he’s with your friend now,” he said instead, smiling grimly, “so you’re going to have to put up with him.”
“We’ll see how long it lasts,” Angelina replied with a small smirk. “George is very skeptical.” George Weasley was Angelina’s husband, as well as one of Harry Potter’s dear friends. They were practically family, really, the Weasleys and Potter, from what he had heard, which meant Angelina was practically family with the Savior as well. Kyle was aware that she, George, and their children always spent Christmas with Potter and that she had played Quidditch with him at Hogwarts for many years. She was about as close to an expert on Harry Potter as Kyle was ever going to get. “They hated each other in school, you know, Harry and Malfoy. And that’s not an exaggeration. It wasn’t just your run-of-the-mill dislike. They hated each other. I don’t see how that can all go out the window now, just because they’ve deluded themselves into thinking they’re in love. It’s only a matter of time before Harry wakes up and realizes he’s dating an absolute prat.”
Not likely, Kyle thought darkly. Angelina didn’t know the present-day Draco. She had no idea how wonderful he really was. How sexy and smart and… nice (that was what really got him, how nice Draco had been from the beginning, how generous). If Potter fancied himself in love, he had no reason to give Draco up, not when he had him all to himself. And Draco… well, Draco was in love as well, and he wasn’t about to give up Harry Potter. No one would be crazy enough to do that.
It was inevitable. The two men were going to get married and have lots of babies and live happily ever after. The bastards.
“We’ll see,” Kyle said, knowing how stubborn Angelina was. In truth, he liked that about her. He liked most things about her, in fact. She was, without question, his favorite person in the department, and he thanked his lucky stars every day that it was she he had been assigned to share an office with.
“That’s not the point anyway,” Angelina said. “The point is you need to stop tormenting yourself over this. It doesn’t do you any good.”
“I’m not tormenting myself,” Kyle replied, his eyes returning to the paper. “I’m just coming to terms with reality.”
Angelina made a skeptical noise somewhere between a scoff and a laugh, and Kyle ignored her. He was telling the truth.
He just didn’t want to have any illusions. He didn’t want to get lost in fantasies, lying in bed at night, of Draco miraculously realizing that beautiful, famous sex gods weren’t actually his type after all and that the only person he ever truly cared about in this cold, cruel world was Kyle Bergeron (Kyle’s fantasies had, he could admit, an annoying tendency to slip into the realm of melodramatic if he let them). He didn’t want to hang onto feelings for a man who was in love with someone else, no matter how great that man happened to be.
So he looked at the photos. He took in every detail, because it only further reminded him that he and Draco were never going to happen, and he needed to be reminded. It was a painful but necessary process.
One that was unexpectedly interrupted by a knock on their office door.
“Come in!” Angelina called, while Kyle returned his attention to the paper and silently prayed it wasn’t who he suspected it was.
His prayers were, as per usual, in vain. The door opened and Clint Monarch, a colleague of theirs, stuck his head around the door.
“Good morning,” he said to both of them in his deep, soft voice. “I hope I’m not intruding.”
“Not at all,” Angelina said, smiling widely at him (she always smiled widely at him, Kyle thought with some resentment). “What brings you in?”
“I had a couple of questions for Kyle, actually,” the man replied, looking at Kyle with a hopeful widening of his dark eyes. “Do you have a few minutes?”
Kyle suppressed a sigh and nodded, aware that, considering he was currently at his desk perusing the gossip pages, he was clearly not all that busy. To claim anything else would be a lie, and Kyle was rather big on honesty. Always had been, even when it was damn inconvenient. “Sure. Grab a seat.”
He was hardly surprised at this point. This had become an almost weekly ritual. He wasn’t sure how Clint had gotten it into his head that Kyle was the end-all, be-all expert on experimental charms (the department itself was called Charms Development, after all, indicating that everyone working there was an expert, including Clint himself), but it was a regular habit for the other wizard to pop by for a quick discussion on whatever he was working on. Yes, it was true that the two men happened to work on projects that were quite similar to each other, more so than anyone else at the office. But did that mean that Clint had to always come to Kyle with his questions? Angelina, Hannah, or Willem could all be equally helpful. But no…
Clint grabbed Kyle’s extra chair and spun it around, sitting himself on it backwards in what Kyle couldn’t help thinking was some sort of straight-guy-proving-his-effortless-masculinity-in-front-of-the-gay-guy maneuver. He leaned forward, his broad back slouching a bit as his dark, muscular arms rested crossed against the back of the chair. Kyle only grew more annoyed.
“You have a lot of experience working with charmed textiles, yeah?” Clint asked him,
This was how it always started, with some sort of quasi-compliment about Kyle’s extensive Charms experience, a blatant attempt to butter him up and make him more susceptible to being pumped for information. And unfortunately, due to Kyle’s whole honesty thing, it usually worked.
“Yes,” he said with a sigh. “Especially in my work back in Toronto.”
“I remember you mentioning that,” said Clint with a small smile. “I was hoping to find out if you ever, during your work, noticed a difference between products that had been charmed post-production versus pre-production. Essentially I’m wondering if charming raw materials before production will make the charm last longer on the product, or if it doesn’t make a difference.”
Kyle leaned back in his chair, finding himself surprised. It was actually a pretty interesting question.
“I’ve never tested it in a controlled environment,” he said, “which would be the best way to get your answer.” Clint leaned forward even more, nodding as Kyle talked. “But I developed products that required both charmed raw materials and post-production charms, and I have to say I think the pre-production charms are better. They don’t just last longer. I think they’re more powerful too, but that’s just based on observation. It’s just anecdotal. Like I said, you’d have to test it.”
“Sure, sure,” Clint said, nodding some more.
“And you’d have to run a lot of tests, because different charms work in different ways.” Which you should already know, considering you study this for a living, he added silently to himself.
“So it might depend on the nature of the charm.”
“It likely does.”
“Which charms would you test such a theory on first?”
Resisting the urge to sigh again, Kyle scoured his desk for some parchment. “It will be easier if I just make you a list,” he said.
“Thanks,” Clint said, sounding surprised. “That’s really decent of you.”
“Not a problem,” Kyle murmured. It wasn’t a lie, per se. The department was designed to be a cooperative environment rather than a competitive one, and colleagues were encouraged to share ideas. Kyle didn’t have to fear for his job even if Clint did occasionally encroach onto his “territory.” Still, it was annoying.
He began scribbling quickly, jotting down all the relevant charms he could think of and (because apparently he couldn’t avoid being obsessively thorough, even for weekly irritants like Clint) subdividing them into their various categories in order of priority.
“Here,” he said when he had finished, handing the parchment to the dark-skinned wizard, who hadn’t moved or even looked away from him in all the time that he’d been writing. “This should keep you plenty busy.”
“Wow,” he said, looking the list over. “This is great. Thanks. Really.”
“Sure. Like I said, not a problem.”
“I’ll let you know how it goes.”
I’m sure you will, Kyle thought drily. “Sounds good.”
Clint blinked at him, and Kyle waited to see if he was going to say something else. But he didn’t, only shook himself a moment before standing. Instead of leaving the office however, the man did what he usually did once he was done grilling Kyle: he went over to Angelina’s desk and started chatting her up.
Kyle swallowed yet another sigh and returned to the paper, going back to the section with the Draco/Potter photos. He did his best to concentrate on those and not the affable murmurings and occasional fits of laughter emanating from his neighbor’s desk.
It shouldn’t bother him. He knew Clint and Angelina were friends and had been for years. Kyle knew that he couldn’t expect to have a friendship with either of them that was as comfortable as theirs, given that he was still the new guy in the department and an incurable introvert to boot. Still, the whole situation made him feel used in a painfully familiar way. It brought him back to his days at Ilvermorny, where he had spent an embarrassing amount of time helping cute, straight boys with their homework before being brushed aside as soon as a hot girl was in the vicinity.
They were always the same type too: sporty, popular, and so used to getting their way they never considered the possibility of being turned down. Kyle didn’t know why he always agreed to help them (although it probably had something to do with his low self esteem and their chiseled physiques), but he did. Merlin help him.
And now, as an adult, he was helping out popular, sporty, straight guys like Clint Monarch, though for thoroughly different reasons. Though Kyle did not particular like Clint or want to be friends with him, he was smart enough to realize that being unkind to Clint would just make everyone else in the office hate him.
Because everyone liked Clint, even Rosemary, their supervisor, who seemed to hate just about everyone else. Clint had wormed his way into her heart somehow; he was the only one she would smile at, and she always scheduled him the best lab hours. It wasn’t just Rosemary, either. He was one of those people who had something to offer everyone. His office mate Willem liked him because Clint would bring him tea and listen to him ramble on about weather-altering charms for an hour first thing in the morning. Hannah liked him because he was always asked after her kneazle, Justine (though Kyle was sure that the fact that Clint was tall, muscular, and objectively good-looking also helped matters). Rico liked him because Clint had played Quidditch at Hogwarts and now followed the English League religiously. And Angelina… well Angelina probably liked Clint for all of the above reasons, and then some.
And Kyle just… didn’t. The fact that Clint had everything in the world going for him and was beloved by all to the point that he could get away with just about anything probably had something to do with it. That would be his guess. Kyle had a bit of a hard time relating to people like that, it turned out.
“Look at him brooding away over there,” Angelina was saying now, loud enough for Kyle to hear. “Not paying us any attention at all.”
Kyle looked up from the paper to find both Clint and Angelina staring at him. “What?”
“Are you still looking at those photographs?” Angelina asked him accusingly.
“Yes,” Kyle replied, matching her tone. He saw Angelina cast a sidelong glance at Clint.
“You see,” she said, a little quieter this time, though Kyle could still make out the words. “This is what I’m talking about.”
Kyle’s gaze slid over to Clint, who was watching him with an expression of overt pity. Kyle felt his cheeks heat and he looked away, chewing on his bottom lip. The whole office knew about his relationship with Draco and the messy breakup afterward. Still, he didn’t much like the idea that people were gossiping about it behind his back.
And he really didn’t like the idea that Clint felt sorry for him. That was the last thing he needed.
Clint Monarch. It was a stupid name. And he wasn’t even that good-looking, despite what everyone else seemed to think. His ears stuck out a bit and his nose was crooked (from a Quidditch injury, Kyle guessed, though he’d never asked) and he always spoke too softly for someone so large. You had to practically strain your ears to be able to hear him in meetings, like he was intent on making you work for it.
“He’s really just going to ignore us,” said Angelina, making Kyle look up again.
“Are you talking about me?” he asked.
She rolled her eyes. “Of course. Who else would we be talking about?”
“I wasn’t deliberately ignoring you,” Kyle said defensively. “It just seemed like you wanted to talk about me rather than to me, so I figured you didn’t actually need my input.”
Angelina stuck her tongue out at him, which made him smile, in spite of himself.
“I was telling Clint here that I can’t make it to pub night this week, because George has a night event for the shop and Molly and Arthur are traveling and can’t take the kids. But I will definitely be there next week. And then Clint was wondering if you were coming to pub night this week, and I said I didn’t know. And then I asked you if you were coming to pub night, and you ignored me.”
“I didn’t hear you,” said Kyle.
“Well, I understand that now. So, are you coming to pub night?” Angelina reiterated.
“You should,” said Clint.
“I don’t know,” Kyle replied hesitantly. “Lindsey might want to do something.” It was mostly an excuse, though he was sure his sister would be game to hang out with him if he asked. But it was more that Kyle was not particularly interested in going to the weekly office pub night if Angelina wasn’t going to be there. Willem never went, being old and married and all, and Hannah only attended sporadically, so there was a good chance that it would only be Clint and Rico this week. Kyle was not in the mood to spend a couple of hours talking about nothing but Quidditch and/or Rico’s current conquests. At least with Angelina or Hannah around, there was some variety in the conversation.
“But you’re always hanging out with Lindsey.”
“Well, she’s only here for another few weeks. I have to make it count.”
Angelina hummed. “I suppose so. Come next Friday, then. You could even bring Lindsey along, if you want.”
“I’ll think about it,” said Kyle.
He returned to the paper, hearing Angelina sigh and murmur something to Clint about it being a “hopeless business.”
Kyle ignored her, his eyes finding the picture of Potter kissing Draco again.
***
Kyle did, when he visited Lindsey’s for dinner later in the week, invite her to the following Friday’s pub night. But she had other plans.
“I already told Pansy I was coming to her party on Friday,” she said. “I’m sorry. If you’d asked me earlier…”
Kyle rolled his eyes. “It just amazes me. Apparently I have to book over a week in advance to get onto my sister’s social calendar, even when she came to London for the sole purpose of visiting me to begin with.”
She glanced at him, fork pausing over her plate of pasta. To his surprise and chagrin she looked somewhat guilty. “I’m sorry,” she said again. “I do really want to spend time with you, you know. Maybe I shouldn’t have accepted the invitation, when I knew you wouldn’t want to go.”
“It’s fine,” he said. He hadn’t meant to make her actually feel bad about it. “I like Pansy. I’ll just come to the party with you instead.”
She eyed him. “I’m pretty sure Draco is going to be there, and I’m pretty sure he’s bringing Harry Potter with him.”
Kyle considered that prospect. “It’ll be ok,” he said. “It’s going to be a big party, right? It always is.”
“Yes, probably,” his sister replied, her tone still hesitant. “But you shouldn’t have to put yourself through that, for my sake.”
“It’s not going to kill me.”
“You could just go to the pub night on your own. I don’t mind. Or I could cancel on Pansy.”
“No,” Kyle insisted. “That’s stupid. And I don’t care about pub night. I care about spending time with you, and I care about youhaving a good time while you’re here. And I know you’ve made friends and you want to maximize your time with everyone you can before you leave, and that’s great. So that’s what we’ll do. I’m fine with it. Really.”
In truth, some part of him was relieved to be able to avoid a night out with his colleagues yet again. He still hadn’t fully figured out how he fit with them yet.
Lindsey stared at him for a long time, like she was trying to read his mind, or maybe waiting for him to rescind his decision. Kyle didn’t, and he had been telling the truth. There was nothing else she would be able to read on his face.
“Fine,” she said. “Good. I’m glad we’ll get a chance to spend some more time together, and I’m glad you’re able to put this whole Draco thing behind you. Maybe you’ll meet some interesting people at the party.”
“Sure,” Kyle said, though there was a chance he was only humoring her. “Maybe.”
***
Offering to attend the party had been a terrible idea. Kyle really didn’t know what he had been thinking. Other than the dinner party at which he had met Draco all those weeks ago, he’d never had a particularly good time amongst Pansy’s aristocratic friends.
Pansy wasn’t really a snob herself – Kyle did genuinely like her, in fact – but she had accumulated a lot of snobby acquaintances, and Kyle always found he didn’t have that much to say to them. It was hard to carry a conversation that lasted more than ten minutes. His usual MO at these events, then, was to stick close to Lindsey most of the time. That or talk to Pansy or her husband Theo, who was down to earth and not all that into small talk either, if he could help it.
At the moment, though, Lindsey was being chatted up by some good-looking cousin of Theo’s, and Kyle got the impression, based on the big doe eyes she was giving the wizard, that she wouldn’t want to be interrupted. And Pansy and Theo had been in the main parlor all night, talking to Harry Potter, Draco ever by his side.
So Kyle was avoiding that part of the house like the plague, obviously.
Beyond just that it was painful to see his ex with someone else, Kyle also knew any attempt to work his way into that conversation would be unwelcome. Draco wouldn’t want to deal with the awkwardness, and Potter probably hated him.
Kyle had (stupidly) not picked up on any subtext during that first interaction in Diagon Alley, the night he and Draco were buying wine. At the time he’d assumed that Potter’s coolness was just part of his celebrity image. Now Kyle understood that it was more likely resentment at seeing the love of his life with someone else. But he hadn’t understood it then, so rather than follow Potter’s lead, as someone savvier would have done, he had overcompensated with friendliness. Like the awkward weirdo he was.
It was pretty mortifying to think about.
Either Potter hated him for having dated Draco or he felt sorry for him for getting dumped. Either option was horrible, and Kyle was resolved to never talk to Potter again in his life if he could at all help it.
He walked around in the gardens for a while, a warming glass of beer in his hand that he had barely touched. Dusk was just descending, giving the gardens a muted glow as the light reflected off a nearby pond and the glossy leaves of the gardenia bushes surrounding it. It was a striking sight, or at least it should have been, if Kyle was in the mood to be struck by that kind of beauty. At the moment he was having a hard time getting beyond the memories of the last time he had wandered this garden. It had been with a very different purpose then, seeking out a certain blond-haired wizard rather than avoiding him.
He’d felt daring that night. Draco’s attentions had made him brave, and Kyle had decided to take a chance. He almost never pursued men; he’d never been confident enough. He let himself be pursued, and always with some shock that it was happening in the first place.
But Draco made him feel different. He made Kyle feel good. At least for a little while.
He came upon a familiar stone bench and stopped in his tracks. It was the same bench where he and Draco had sat for a while, the night of the dinner party, talking about their romantic history. It was where Draco had openly expressed an interest in Kyle and invited him back to Malfoy Manor for a drink. It was where Kyle had put his hand on Draco’s, where Draco had traced his fingers along Kyle’s cheek, where they had kissed for the first time.
“Fuck my life,” he grumbled under his breath, turning to go back the way he had come. This had been a terrible, stupid, terrible idea. Really.
On his way back toward the house he heard voices, and noticed a group coming out of the French doors and into the stone-paved entrance of the gardens. His stomach sank as he immediately recognized Draco’s shock of platinum hair and Pansy’s graceful saunter. Harry Potter was there, too, of course, a possessive arm slung around Draco’s waist, while Theo brought up the rear.
Merlin’s balls, Kyle thought it panic, slipping down a side path and finding a spot behind a tall hedge. With any luck, he hadn’t been seen.
Not that he ever had much luck, really.
“We renovated the central fountain just this spring,” he heard Pansy say as the group got closer. “Draco’s already seen it, of course. But I think you’ll quite like it, Harry.”
“I’m sure I will,” Potter replied. “Lead the way.”
The group passed by Kyle’s hiding place, Pansy chattering away all the while, pointing out various details of the gardens and all that she had redone in the last few years.
“You designed it yourself?” Potter asked.
“Why, yes, in fact,” said Pansy, turning her head in the brunet’s direction.
Kyle caught a glimpse of her demure smile that turned please when Potter said, “You’re quite talented. This is all really stunning.”
Kyle rolled his eyes but was sure to keep silent as he watched the group stroll away, taking their time. Theo had come up front to walk beside his wife while the other two were lingering in the back. Potter still had a hand around Draco’s waist, and he leaned over to kiss the blond on the side of the head. Draco leaned into the kiss before snaking his arm around Potter’s back, his hand finding a pocket of the other’s chinos and giving his ass a squeeze.
Kyle hadn’t realized he was making a fist until he felt the bite of fingernails digging into his palm. He relaxed, letting out a slow breath, and waited until the group had turned a corner and disappeared from view entirely. Then he stepped out from behind the hedge and, seeing that the path was clear, headed back to the house.
He should just leave the party. What was the point anyway? He wasn’t enjoying time with Lindsey if he was hiding between the hedgerows and avoiding the hosts of the event. He wasn’t enjoying time with anyone.
Knowing he ought to at least say goodbye, though, he went in search of his sister. He found her in the lounge retrieving another drink.
“Kyle!” she said, smiling. “I was wondering where you’d got to. Here, I want you to meet someone.”
“Actually, I think I’m just gonna go,” he said with a sheepish look. “This isn’t really…” He shrugged. “I guess you were right. I wasn’t ready.”
Her forehead crinkled in concern. “Did something happen?”
“No. Nothing happened. It’s just…” He waved a hand. “Them.”
Lindsey hummed. “They are really cozy, aren’t they?” she said, making a face.
Kyle rolled his eyes again. “Disgustingly so. I just don’t want to spend the whole night running around the house trying to be where they aren’t. So…”
“Yeah,” Lindsey agreed. “Ok. That’s fair. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be.”
She stared at him, her eyes sad. “It’s early, you know,” she said after a minute. “You could still make it to the pub.”
“What?”
“With your friends from work? They’re probably still going to be there a while, don’t you think?”
“Oh.” Kyle shook his head. “I don’t know.”
“Oh, come on, please? Please don’t just go home and wallow. Go have fun, distract yourself. Get to know your coworkers better. They really like you, I can tell. They want you to go out with them.”
“I guess.”
“They do.” She put a hand on his arm. “Promise me you’ll go. Please.”
He watched his sister, wondering how they could have ended up so different, wishing he knew where her ease and grace with other people, with herself, came from. He tried. Sometimes, he really did try. But usually it was lost on him.
“Ok, I promise,” he said, giving in.
She hugged him. “Thank you,” she said softly. “I just need to know you can be happy.”
***
It was with some trepidation that he arrived at the Leaky Cauldron only a few minutes later. He immediately looked towards the back of the pub at the group’s usual table and found that, sure enough, they were there, sitting around with half-consumed pints in their hands and talking animatedly. He felt considerably better when he noticed that Angelina was among them, sitting next to Clint with Hannah and Rico across from them in the booth.
“You’re here!” his office mate cried as he approached, jumping up from her seat to give him a hug.
He returned it, her enthusiasm allowing a small, real smile to grace his lips. “I’m here,” he agreed.
“You need a drink,” she said. “I’ll get you one. You just sit down right there,” she indicated the empty spot next to Clint that she had just vacated, “and tell me what you want.”
“Oh, no,” Kyle insisted, glancing at Clint briefly. “I don’t want to steal your seat.”
“Nonsense,” said Angelina. “I’ll just pull up a chair. Sit.” She practically shoved him into the seat, and Kyle felt his side brush Clint’s as the two were jostled together. Kyle gave Clint an apologetic grimace before Angelina got his attention again. “What do you want?”
“Oh…” He considered the fact that he’d practically ignored the beer he’d been served at Pansy’s, having felt a little nauseous the entire evening. His stomach needed something lighter, he decided. “A cider, thanks. Whatever they have.”
“Coming right up.” Angelina grinned at him once more before making her way to the bar.
Kyle turned to his other companions, trying to drum up something to ask, but Hannah beat him to it.
“So, the party was a dud then?”
Kyle snorted. “How did you guess?”
“We all knew it was going to be, mate,” said Rico, before taking a drag from his pint. “As soon as you told us you were going to go.”
“Were they there?” Hannah asked him gently, her brown eyes large and sympathetic.
Kyle didn’t have to ask who “they” were. “Yep. They sure were.”
Hannah nodded. “That must have been hard.”
Kyle shrugged.
“You’re better off, you know,” said Rico. “Everyone knows the Malfoys are a load of tossers. I mean, I know I was a few years behind you all in school, but even I heard a fair few things about Draco Malfoy.”
Kyle sighed. “Maybe that’s true of Draco’s parents. I don’t know. I never met them. But Draco isn’t like that.”
“You don’t have to keep defending him,” said Rico. “Just because you went out. You can hate his guts, for all we care.”
“You can,” said Hannah. “We don’t mind. I remember him well from school. He was awful. He was mean to anyone who wasn’t in Slytherin, anyone who wasn’t pureblood.”
“You played Quidditch against him, didn’t you Clint?” the younger wizard asked the man across from him. “Entitled prick he was, didn’t you say? Always whinging and threatening to tattle to his father when he didn’t get his way?”
“Something like that,” Clint murmured, staring into his pint.
“Angelina says the same thing. I heard you talking about it just the other week.”
Clint glanced at Kyle, something flashing across his face that might have been guilt. “Just leave it, Rico, yeah?”
“Look, Kyle, mate,” Rico said, leaning across the table and ignoring Clint for the moment. “What I’m trying to say is we’re on your side. Malfoy is a right git and always has been, and he did you wrong, and we know that. And you can say any shite you’d like about him, and we’ll cheer you on.”
“Thanks,” Kyle said. “I’ll keep that in mind. Mostly I’d just rather not talk about him anymore.”
“Talk about who?” Angelina asked, approaching the table with an entire tray of drinks.
“Draco Malfoy,” said Hannah.
“Oh, yes, by all means, let’s talk about anything but him,” she said, placing the tray on the table. It contained the cider and what looked like five firewhiskeys. “Here’s yours, darling,” Angelina said as she placed Kyle’s pint in front of him. “And I got whiskey for everyone. We’re celebrating tonight.”
Kyle felt his cheeks heat, thinking it was a bit extreme for them to “celebrate” just because he had finally shown up to a pub night for the first time in weeks.
It turned out that was a rather self-centered thing to think, as Kyle quickly learned that it was Clint’s most recent patent approval that was the subject of the celebration.
“Congratulations,” Kyle said to Clint, after they’d all toasted him and clinked glasses.
Clint shrugged and ducked his head. “It’s just a new method for imbuing mood-altering charms into metals. Not a big deal, really.”
“It will be good for the magical jewelry industry, at least,” said Angelina. “And will probably make you and the Ministry a fair amount of money.”
Clint just shrugged again, and Kyle shook his head. If his own pending patent had come through, he’d be dancing in his seat and buying everyone in the pub champagne. The process took forever and involved jumping through a lot of hoops. Yet Clint never complained about it. He didn’t even seem that excited about his success.
Maybe that’s just how it is when you’re used to things going your way, he thought with some bitterness. You take it for granted.
He swallowed the resentment, though, chasing it with a sip of cider, knowing it wasn’t Clint’s fault he lived such a charmed life, pun intended. He knew Lindsey wanted him to make an effort, that Angelina wanted him to make an effort, and that spurred him to start a conversation with the wizard sitting next to him.
“How’s the new research going? Any progress?”
Clint seemed surprised at the question, but answered readily. “Really good. It’s in the early stages, obviously.”
“Sure.”
“But your list really helped me narrow down where to start. I’ve written up a protocol and put in my lab request to Rosemary.”
“Which will of course be attended to immediately,” Angelina chimed in good-heartedly. She fluttered her eyelashes and waved a hand about dramatically. “’Of course, Clint, my darling boy. Anything you need will be made available to you. All you have to do is say the word.'"
Clint rolled his eyes. “It’s not as much as all that.”
“Oh, but it is,” replied Angelina, grinning. “You’re just spoiled; you don’t realize. You should have seen the look on her face when I asked for an extra hour next week, just to run an extended version of my protocol. It was as though I was asking her to sell me her firstborn child.”
“That’s why I never bother to ask for a schedule change unless it’s a month in advance,” said Kyle. He’d been on the receiving end of Rosemary’s passive aggressive wrath enough to last a lifetime, and he’d barely been in the department five months.
“I always forget until the last minute,” said Rico, shaking his dark swoop of hair out of his eyes. “And then I realize I have to ask anyway, and she gives me the Death Glare.”
“We know it well,” Angelina said with mock solemnity. “Hannah does the best impression of her. Have you seen it?”
Hannah’s lips twitched in a smile before she went very still, her posture suddenly rigid. She tilted her head just so, then, and with her eyes in slits and her mouth twisted like she smelled something horrible, she really did look uncannily like their boss. Kyle heard Clint chuckle softly beside him.
Hannah heaved a huge, put-upon sigh, and said, her voice suddenly much scratchier than before, “So you want an extra thirteen minutes on Thursday? This should have been requested weeks ago, you know. You haven’t even done the paperwork correctly. Form IBC3, which you ought to know must be filed…” She looked around at each of them, her right eye twitching in a way that had Kyle snorting in recognition. She hesitated for effect. “…in triplicate.”
The entire table roared with laughter, and Hannah looked pleased.
“It’s the sneer,” said Angelina as she clutched her stomach. “Gets me every time.”
“It’s the eye twitch,” argued Kyle, wiping his eyes and continuing to chuckle. “It’s uncanny.”
They continued to air their grievances about Rosemary, everyone but Clint having a number of horror stories to share. Rico tired of this first, citing that it was Friday and why should they be thinking about work when they had a whole weekend ahead of them? Kyle agreed, though as soon as Rico launched into something about Quidditch, directed mainly at Clint, he lost interest. He turned to the women at the table, happy to talk with them instead.
Only then Rico and Clint got into some heated discussion about so-and-so Chaser getting traded to the Kestrels, and Angelina caught a whiff of it and wanted to join in.
“Oi, hold on,” she said to the two men. “I have to get in on this.” She nudge Hannah to move her seat, and Kyle was ignored when he offered her his.
“Sorry,” he said to Hannah as she took the chair at the end of the table and watched Angelina dive headfirst into the argument with the other two sports fanatics.
“Don’t worry about it,” Hannah replied with a soft smile. “I know better than to get between Angelina and her Quidditch.”
“Or any of them,” said Kyle, matching her eye roll. He leaned in, keeping his voice low. “I’ve honestly never understood the appeal. I mean, don’t they realize the whole game is based on one member of each team and whether they catch the Snitch at the end? It’s worth a hundred and fifty freaking points. Why does the rest of the team even matter, at that point?”
Hannah giggled. “I’ve always thought the same thing. Don’t let Angelina catch you saying that, though, otherwise you’ll get a whole lecture on the importance of Chasers and how they ‘prep’ the Seekers for success, and you really don’t want that.”
Kyle shuddered dramatically. “Merlin save me if that happens.”
She grinned at him. “Not that much into sport, then?” she asked.
Kyle shrugged. “I don’t mind some of it. There are a few Muggle sports I actually really like watching. I’ve never played any, obviously. I’ve never had the coordination. But I don’t mind watching. Especially if it involves athletic men running around in tight pants.”
Hannah giggled again. “I’ll grant you that,” she said. “Though Quidditch leathers are actually pretty tight, you know, so there are benefits there as well.”
“Yeah, but they hide them under the robes. And even if they didn’t, the rules are so stupid that the tightness of their pants hardly makes up for it.”
Hannah sighed, resting her chin on one of her hands. “I don’t disagree, but sometimes I wonder if I’d like Quidditch more if my house team ever won, back in school. I was a Hufflepuff, you know, and for whatever reason our house always seemed devoid of decent Quidditch players. Either that or they were terrible at spotting talent. The only year we were decent in my memory was when Cedric Diggory was captain. He even bested the Gryffindors, and they had Harry Potter!”
Kyle winced, unable to help it, and Hannah was immediately apologetic. “Oh no, I didn’t mean to bring him up,” she said grabbing his arm in entreaty. “I know he’s the last thing you want to talk about.”
“It’s fine,” said Kyle. “He’s everywhere I turn, so I should probably get used to it.”
“Ugh, that’s awful,” she said, grimacing in sympathy. “My breakup was bad enough, but if I had to read in the papers about Neville with someone else all the time…” She trailed off.
Kyle winced internally with guilt. He’d forgotten, actually, that Hannah had gone through a bad breakup recently herself. Granted, it had happened before he even arrived, but it had also been a topic of much discussion when he’d first started at the department. He should have remembered, given that he’d thought at the time how well he and Hannah might be able to bond over recent heartbreak. Draco had obviously distracted him from all that.
“On the flip side,” he said, “your relationship lasted much longer than mine, so it has to be harder to deal with in that respect. In truth, I should probably be over the whole Draco thing by now. Or at least that’s what everyone keeps telling me.”
“Oh, don’t go listening to other people about that sort of thing,” Hannah said. She frowned into her whiskey glass, looking suddenly despondent to realize it was empty. Kyle pushed his full one towards her, since he wasn’t really in the mood for liquor, and she accepted it with a tipsy smile. She knocked back a large sip before continuing. “Everyone has opinions about how long it’s supposed to take, formulas to calculate the length of time appropriate for mourning the end of a relationship. But I don’t think it’s as simple as all that. It’s about what the relationship was like, how it ended, who broke up with whom. But also…” She tilted the glass to and fro, her mouth in a pensive frown.
“But also…?” Kyle prompted, when she took a bit to long to finish.
Her frown deepened, and Kyle started to wonder if Hannah was drunker than he’d first thought. “But also…” her eyes were closed now in concentration. “Your… vision for the future. The life you thought you would have. When you make plans and you think you know where you’re going and then suddenly…” She imitated the sound of a bomb exploding, closed hands expanding outward in a gesture to further emphasize her point. “It blows up in your face. And then what are you left with? I had a friend ask me recently why I was still so distraught over Neville, if the breakup was mutual. She thought that because I’d had a hand in it ending, because it had partially been my choice, then that meant it was easy. But it was so far from easy. It was devastating. It was the hardest decision I ever made. Because I thought I knew exactly where my life was going and then suddenly…” She shook her head, actually looking a bit teary. “Suddenly it was all wrong, and I knew it was wrong. But I was so scared, knowing that if I let that vision for my future go, then I would have nothing. Even though I knew it was best for it was still so, so terrifying.”
“I know exactly what you mean,” Kyle said, leaning forward. “That was how I felt when I decided to leave Toronto. I knew my relationship with Evan wasn’t working, but it was still hard to walk away. Even after everything he put me through, I was scared to be alone, almost to the point where I considered staying with him.”
“I’m glad you left,” Hannah said. “It was the right thing for you to do.”
“And it sounds like it was right thing for you and Neville, too, even though it was hard.”
“It was,” Hannah agreed. “I still miss him though. I have regrets. I’m trying really hard not to, but sometimes I can’t help it. Especially at night, when I go to bed alone.”
“Gods, I know exactly what you mean. It took so much getting used to, not sharing a bed with someone else after you’ve done it for a while.”
“I know, right? Even when he snored or talked in his sleep, it was still comforting to have him there. I almost missed the noise.”
Kyle was about to say something else, but was interrupted when someone chucked a balled up napkin at his head.
“Hey,” he said, turning to the culprit in annoyance. It didn’t take long to figure out that it was Angelina, just by the look on her face. “We’re having a conversation here.”
“A depressing conversation,” Angelina qualified. “And this is supposed to be a fun night.”
“Oh, shut up,” said Hannah, surprising everyone at the table. “We can talk about our bad breakups if we want to.”
“It’s time for both of you to stop wallowing,” Angelina said, finishing off her whiskey, “and start living.”
“I’ve got to agree with Ange,” said Rico. “What’s the point, anyway? I’d never get so upset over a girl.”
“That’s because you’re a manslut,” Hannah said, crossing her arms and pouting, “and you have no idea what it’s like to fall in love or to have your heart broken.”
Angelina rolled her eyes, and Hannah dug into her next. “And you are happily married and have been for years. So you really can’t give me any shite, considering everything had worked out for you and you don’t know what this feels like.”
Kyle cringed at the look on Angelina’s face. In her drunkenness, Hannah was being a bit harsh. Though, in truth, he had wanted to say these exact same things and never did, due to the whole wanting to be liked thing.
“I’ll have you know that my first boyfriend died in the war,” Angelina said acidly. “So I do know a thing or two about it.”
“All right,” Clint’s voice cut in, just loud enough to be heard over the other patrons in the bar. “This isn’t the direction we want to take this conversation, is it?”
Angelina and Hannah looked at each other a moment, before Hannah’s face fell and she said, a bit tremulously, “Sorry, Ange. I didn’t mean anything by it.”
Angelina sighed, her face softening. “I’m sorry too,” she said. “I know this has been hard. You can keep talking about it, if you need to.”
“No,” Hannah said, suddenly sounding a bit sleepy. She lay her head on Angelina’s shoulder and nuzzled, though the angle was awkward.
“All right, all right,” said Angelina, putting an arm around there. “There, there, love. Come have a snuggle. Scoot over, Rico, make room.”
Rico grumbled but did as she asked, and Hannah was promptly shuffled into the booth next to her friend, where she seemed to drift into a relatively peaceful doze.
Kyle found himself leaning into Clint to say something. “Nice one. Good diffusion of the situation.”
Clint smiled, seeming pleased by this. “I’ve learned the hard way.”
“I imagine you have.”
With Hannah temporarily down for the count, the other four made conversation. With Kyle in the mix, Clint suggested they talk about something other than Quidditch, and conversation went back in the direction of work, at least for a little while. Angelina, noticing most of their glasses were empty, called for another round, which Clint insisted he buy despite many protests.
“It’s your night!” Angelina cried.
“And I just made lots of money,” Clint argued, in an uncharacteristic display of frankness, “so I can afford it.”
Angelina had no way of arguing with that, and after Clint handed her the coins she went off, returning only when she had another tray of liquor. Hannah, in the meantime, was passed off to Rico, who she seemed fine with using as a temporary pillow instead.
“Friends from Work” was starting to feel more and more like an accurate moniker as the night went on, Kyle realized. They seemed to genuinely enjoy his company and listened to him when he talked. They asked him all sorts of questions about Canada and his old job, deftly avoiding the subjects of Draco or Evan.
Eventually the evening started to devolve a bit. Rico spotted a cute witch at the bar and left his coworkers to go chat her up. Hannah remained essentially passed out against the wall of the booth, in the space Rico had vacated. Clint had gone to the bathroom, and in the meantime Angelina had slid in next to Kyle on his side, looking a little worse for wear herself.
“I’m so glad you came tonight,” she told him, her words slurring a bit. “Even if you were late.”
“Me too,” Kyle said honestly. “I don’t know what I was thinking, attending a party where I knew Draco was going to be. I thought I would be fine, but…”
“Well, I tried to tell you,” Angelina said. “But you never listen to me.”
“I listen sometimes,” Kyle griped, though only half-heartedly.
“If I’d told you it was going to be the whole group, would you have thought about coming?”
“Maybe,” Kyle admitted. “I always have more fun when you and Hannah are here.”
“And we always have more fun with you,” Angelina said, curling up to his side. “Cute. You’re cute. You have a good face.” She poked him on either cheek. “Symmetrical.”
Kyle laughed. “Um, thanks, I guess?”
“You’re going to get another boyfriend in no time, I’m sure. All you have to do is ask.”
“If you say so.”
Angelina nuzzled into him. “I wish George was here. That’s the only thing that’s missing.”
“Yeah, I always like it when he comes along.” George knew how to make sure everyone in the room was having fun. He was just that kind of guy, something Kyle had always admired about him.
“He’s a good one.”
“You’re lucky, you know,” Kyle told her. “Not everybody finds that.”
“You’ll find it,” Angelina said, her face scrunching as she tried to make him out in the dim light of the pub. “I know you will.”
“Mm, maybe.”
Angelina sighed. “George. He’s cute. I have a cute husband.”
Kyle laughed. “Sure. He’s not my type, though. Never been all that into pasty gingers.”
If Angelina were sober, Kyle had no doubt that she would smack him upside the head for that remark. Thankfully, she wasn’t, and she simply hummed and said, “Yeah, I love pasty gingers.”
Kyle rested his head on top of hers. “I know you do.”
Clint returned from the restroom then, to see that his spot had been taken. He seemed unfazed, taking a seat next to a passed out Hannah instead.
“Sorry, Clinty love,” Angelina said sleepily. “But Kylie love is so comfy. You wouldn’t know it, ‘cause he’s so bony-looking. But he’s really quite snuggle-able.”
Clint laughed. “I’m sure that’s true.” He met Kyle’s eyes for a moment, and Kyle rolled his eyes, smiling. In truth, he was rather enjoying the attention.
“How are you doing?” Clint asked him, after a minute. “Do you need another drink?”
“I’m fine,” Kyle replied. He was still nursing his current whiskey, and felt no need for another. Between that and the glass of cider, he was pleasantly tipsy, exactly where he wanted to be. “How about you? I’m happy to grab you something. I haven’t bought all night.”
Clint waved him off. “I’m fine. Don’t like to drink that much anyways. Besides, you’re on pillow duty, and that’s monumentally important.”
Kyle grinned. “Apparently so.”
They chatted for a minute or two, about nothing in particular: work, the latest news, and then Rico returned to them.
“No luck, then?” Clint asked him.
“She has a boyfriend,” Rico said, looking dejected as he slumped into the chair at the end of the table.
“You were talking her up for a while,” Kyle pointed out.
“Well, she may have had a boyfriend, but I was still going to make an effort,” Rico argued. “Did you see how cute she was? And those tits…”
“Ew, gross,” said Kyle, making a face. “Seriously.”
“You’re a pig, Rico,” Clint said, and though his tone was playful, there was a slight edge to it that Kyle barely picked up on. “Have some respect, for Merlin’s sake.”
“What?” Rico looked between the two of them. “Is there something wrong with admiring a woman’s breasts? I don’t think so.”
“You don’t have to talk about them,” Kyle said. “There’s a gay guy sitting right here who gives exactly no shits about tits.”
Angelina snorted into his shoulder. “Shits about tits.”
They all busted into a fit of snickers, all except for Hannah, who was still dead to the world.
“I ought to get Han home I guess,” said Rico. “She’s going to be feeling it tomorrow.”
“Yeah, it’s about time to call it a night,” Kyle agreed. “I’ll Apparate Angelina. I haven’t had that much, should be fine.”
“You sure?” Clint asked. “I’m happy to do it. I haven’t had that much either.”
Kyle waved him off, but when it came time to rouse Angelina, she insisted herself that she could use the pub’s floo no problem, declining any offer of help.
She seemed to be walking fine, so the boys let her go. Rico then followed, taking Hannah with him to the floo. Clint and Kyle were left standing in the pub, ready to go.
“I Apparate home,” Kyle said, by way of making conversation. “Don’t have a floo.” It meant having to walk a few blocks to the Apparition point, which was annoying. The Leaky didn’t let people Apparate inside the premises, and one couldn’t just randomly pop into existence to the front door, in the middle of a Muggle thoroughfare.
“Oh,” Clint said. “Right.”
“Yeah, um, Muggle apartment. No fireplace,” Kyle clarified, though he didn’t know why he felt a need to explain. Clint was just sort of staring at him, and he wanted to fill the silence.
Clint nodded. “Well, I’ll walk you. I was going to Apparate home tonight too.”
“Great,” Kyle replied, not knowing if he meant it. Company while walking on your own at night was nice to have, but it also meant making conversation for another few minutes, and Kyle was not the kind of guy who was very good at making conversation. Particularly with someone he had yet to really figure out.
And Clint Monarch fit that bill pretty clearly.
The first half block of their walk was silent, Clint not seeming to make much of an effort while Kyle dug around for something to say. Eventually he remembered Clint’s patent approval, and figured it might be worth bringing up again. It was better than awkward silence, anyway.
“Congrats again on the patent,” he said, hoping it didn’t sound forced. “That’s really exciting.”
Clint gave his usual shrug, his mouth lifting in a small, shy smile. “Frees me from all that paperwork, anyway. It was getting old.”
Kyle snorted. “You’re telling me. I’m buried in three patents’ worth of paperwork right now. It feels like it will never end.”
“That’s rough,” Clint said, shaking his head. “But, you know… rather impressive at the same time.”
Kyle’s brow furrowed. “How so?”
“Three patents pending… you’ve been busy, that’s all. You’re very productive.”
“They’ve been a long time coming,” Kyle assured him. “I guess I’m pretty productive when it comes to lab work. But when it comes to government bureaucracy and paperwork, I drag my feet about as much as the next person.”
Clint chuckled softly. “I think we all do. It’s not very motivating, that kind of work. I’d always rather be in the lab.”
“Me too,” Kyle said, sighing. “Unfortunately, the only lab time I’m getting these days is when I get a request to verify a finding. I almost pray for those requests, some days, even though it means dragging out the approval process even more. Just to get a chance to really do something instead of sit at my desk all day.”
“Maybe you could start a new project,” Clint suggested. “That’s what I always do. If I don’t give myself at least some experimenting to do, I start to go a bit barmy. Even if the research never goes anywhere… at least I’m in the lab, right?”
“That’s true,” Kyle said. “I’ll think about it.” It wasn’t a bad idea, actually. Though he could see himself feeling guilty for starting a new project when he had three others left unfinished. And he never did all that well with guilt.
They were silent again as they covered the last leg of the journey to the Apparition point. When they ducked down the side alley, the designated spot came into view.
“Well, I guess this-“ Kyle began, but Clint suddenly interrupted him.
“You should be proud,” he blurted. “Of everything you’re doing here. At the Ministry, I mean.”
“Oh,” Kyle said, taken aback, though not necessarily in a bad way. Clint shuffled his feet, looking almost nervous, and Kyle realized the other wizard was just trying to be nice. “Thanks.”
“I mean it,” he said emphatically. “I know it’s hard, all that… rigmarole. We all do. We’ve all been through it. But it’s worth it. The kind of work you do, with Healing charms and everything… You’re changing the world, you know.”
Kyle stood there a moment, stunned. “You really think that?”
Clint met his eyes, and his were earnest and piercing. “Yeah. I really think that.”
Kyle sighed, unsure of what to say and realizing he could finally see why everyone in the office liked Clint so much. As much as he hated to admit it, of course.
He was about to find some way to thank the guy for saying all that when Clint said, suddenly, before Kyle could even open his mouth, “Well, I should go. I’ll see you in the office on Monday.”
“Yeah, see you,” Kyle barely got out before the dark-skinned wizard turned on the spot and disappeared. “Well…” Kyle said into the quiet, empty alley. “Ok then.”
What an odd conversation. Kyle wasn’t sure what to make of it. He realized he didn’t have much else to do but Apparate home as well, and so he took out his wand, readying himself to do just that.
***
The next morning, Kyle sat cross-legged on the sofa, eating cereal and channel surfing on his small TV. He was actually feeling pretty content. He’d hardly had anything to drink the night before, and felt much better than he was imagining Hannah or Angelina was right then. And he was also... happy, able to look back on his time at the pub with a feeling of belonging, rather than the usual desire to cringe over the memory of something stupid or embarrassing he had inevitably done or said.
He hadn’t felt like that since his years back at Ilvermorny, with his small but loyal group of friends there. It was nice to feel that again.
An owl arrived halfway through some daytime talk show segment on teen pregnancy, and Kyle recognized it immediately as belonging to Lindsey. He untied the small roll of parchment and offered the owl the dregs of his cereal to eat as he read.
Lindsey hadn’t bothered to sign it, but she hadn’t needed to. He’d know her loopy handwriting anywhere.
I’ve done something you might resent me for, but I hope you’ll keep an open mind. Apparate over this morning if you aren’t busy.
Kyle reread the note and sighed. It was annoyingly cryptic and not at all promising. He couldn’t think of what it was about, though, except that she was obviously about to push him into doing something “for his own good.” She was always doing things like that, and a lot of the time she was – very annoyingly – right.
Deciding to simply face the music, since Lindsey would inevitably show up in a few hours if she hadn’t heard from him, he went into his bedroom to change. He threw on a pair of jeans and a fresh t-shirt, and then fetched his wand from the bedside table.
Let’s get this over with. And he was having such a nice, quiet morning.
When he arrived in the front hall of his sister’s apartment, the place was silent. He stood there a moment, listening, before calling out.
“Lins? You here?”
“Upstairs!” Came her muffled reply. “Be down in a sec! Hold on.”
He waited, not-so-patiently, rolling back on his heels every now and then as he chewed on his bottom lip.
“Lins! Seriously!”
“I’m coming, I’m coming! Don’t get your panties in a twist.”
Kyle huffed as she appeared on the stairs. “Very funny.”
She descended quickly, her feet tapping a quick rhythm on the wooden steps. “Come on, to the kitchen,” she said, when they were eye level. “I’m going to make some lunch. You hungry?”
“No, just ate. Lindsey, what was your note about?”
She turned to look back at him as they strode down the hallway, rolling her eyes. “Cutting to the chase, I see.” They entered the kitchen. “How was your night last night?”
Kyle gave her an annoyed look, but answered anyway. “Fine. It was fine.”
“Did you have fun at the pub?” She opened her fridge and started looking through it.
“Is this what you wanted to talk about?”
“I’m just asking.”
“Yeah. I had fun. I’m glad I went. You were right. Happy?”
“Yes, I am.” She straightened up, having pulled out the ingredients for a ham sandwich. “Are you going to ask me about the rest of my night?”
He watched her make a sandwich with increasing irritation. “How was the rest of your night, Lindsey?” he asked with mock sweetness.
She grinned at him. “Really good. That guy I was talking to? Lucas? He asked me out. I have a date with him this week.”
“Great.” Is that what Lindsey was worried about, that Kyle would resent her for having a date when his own love life wasn’t going well? It didn’t seem like her. “I’m happy for you.”
“It’s just going to be a casual thing, obviously,” she said. “Since I leave in a couple weeks.”
“Hey, you never know. He could be the love of your life.”
She took a bite of her sandwich and watched him as she chewed.
“Is that what you wanted to tell me?” Kyle pressed.
She shook her head, swallowed, and set her sandwich down, staring at her plate a moment. “I also talked to Draco for a bit, towards the end of the night,” she said, her voice a bit too casual.
“Oh.”
“We had a good talk, actually. He’s um… he’s a bit worried… Well, he asked about you.”
“Oh, Gods,” said Kyle, not liking where this was going, at all. If this was about Draco, then it was worse than he thought. “Please say you told him I was fine.”
“I said you were… doing ok, all things considered.”
“Gods.”
“But that it seemed like you were lacking closure.” Kyle stared at her. “And that maybe… you would like to talk to him, clear the air.”
“You didn’t.”
“He was open to the idea,” she went on, as though she hadn’t heard him. “He said he’d be willing to talk, let you get whatever you want off your chest.”
“I don’t want to talk to him. I never told you that I did.”
“You did tell me you felt like you didn’t have closure, though.”
“Yeah… but that doesn’t mean… This isn’t how I was planning to get it.”
“Then how were you planning to get it?”
“I don’t know… time. I mean, I’ll get over it eventually. Probably soon. Especially once he’s gone back to Hogwarts and I won’t have to read about him and Potter in the paper all the time.”
Her eyes crinkled in concern. “They’ll be back at Christmas. And for the summer. And you have mutual friends. Your paths might cross every now and then.”
“Which is fine,” Kyle insisted. “I’ll be over it by Christmas, obviously. We barely dated a month.”
She nodded slowly. “True. But, in a way, that’s exactly my point. You didn’t date that long, but you took the breakup really hard anyway. I think maybe because of the circumstances… I don’t know. I mean obviously I’m not trying to tell you how you feel or why, but I can’t help but think…” She bit her lip and looked at him sadly, sandwich forgotten. “You know, when you told me about the breakup it sounded like you didn’t end up saying much. It sounded like it happened really fast and you only got to… to express some of why it hurt you, why you were mad about it. It just seemed to me that you had more to say and I thought maybe I’d give you the chance to say it, to his face, before he leaves. This might be your only chance. I wanted to give you the option.”
Kyle exhaled slowly, thinking that over.
“If you don’t want to do it, it’s your choice. I can always owl Draco and tell him you’ve changed your mind. He would understand. But the option is there, if you want it.”
They stood in silence for a minute, and Lindsey eventually returned to her lunch as Kyle considered whether this was an opportunity he wanted to take. His insides burned with dread at the thought of seeing Draco again. The party had been bad enough, when they didn’t even have to interact. But a face to face? Could he handle that?
You only dated a month. As much as Kyle hated to admit it, he could see Lindsey’s point, about how hard he had taken the end of a relationship that hadn’t lasted very long at all. He knew why, really, or at least thought he did. It was because being with Draco was the first time since moving to London that he’d really felt wanted, that he’d considered that there were relationship possibilities for him beyond Evan. Something happy, fun, caring. Something to be excited about.
And it had ended so abruptly, so unexpectedly, all because it turned out that Draco was in love with someone else the whole time and just in denial about it. And that was… well, it was pretty shitty, frankly. It made Kyle feel used, and he was really sick of feeling like that.
Why did you bother with me? he wanted to ask Draco. Was I just a rebound? Was that it? What was the point, anyway?
And, though he wasn’t entirely sure he actually wanted to hear the answer to those questions, though he knew talking to Draco would be uncomfortable, even painful, maybe Lindsey was right. Maybe it was what he needed to move on, to get closure. This process was rarely ever comfortable, he knew that.
Life begins at the edge of your comfort zone. He hated the way his mother was always harping on him about that. He liked his comfort zone a lot, thank you very much. He didn’t like the feeling that he was being pushed out of it.
But it was his choice, and if he chose to do this, to make himself uncomfortable for an hour or two, it might be worth it. It might be just the thing he needed.
“Ok,” he said, meeting his sister’s eyes. “Ok. I’ll meet with him. But somewhere anonymous, just a random no-maj place, ok? I don’t want to run into anyone we know, and I definitely don’t want to end up in the papers.”
“That’s easily done,” Lindsey said. “I’ll arrange it all and let you know the time and place.” She gave him a tentative smile. “This is a good thing. This is the right thing. I’m proud of you.”
Kyle huffed and rolled his eyes, but ended up smiling nonetheless. “Thanks.”
He hoped she was right.
***
A week later, Kyle found himself sitting on his couch again, though this time he was far from content. Rather, he was replaying the conversation he’d just had with Draco and trying to sort through how he felt exactly.
Because, on the one hand, the conversation had been pretty revelatory, in a good way. He felt like he better understood everything that had happened between them and Draco’s thought process behind his actions. And, more importantly, Kyle felt like he understood himself better too. He wasn’t entirely sure how Draco had managed to help him with that, but he had.
Still, now that it was done and Kyle was back at his apartment, he had nothing but time and his own thoughts. And not all of them were pleasant. He was dwelling, not on Draco and Potter, but instead on his relationship with Evan, with history he had not examined in a long time.
Immediately following the breakup it had been so easy to focus on all of the problems he and Evan had had. The final six months, those they had spent living together, had remained fresh in his mind because those had been the worst, the hardest, proof positive that he and Evan were never going to work.
But his conversation with Draco had indirectly invited him to think about the beginning, which had been pretty great, in point of fact, full of fun nights out, personal jokes, really good sex, and earnest declarations of feelings. They’d had a good year, year and a half of that before it started to go downhill, by Kyle’s estimation, at least. He couldn’t be sure exactly when it had started to fall apart, when Kyle had started to feel like he wasn’t enough and would never be, when Evan had started playing on those insecurities and become manipulative. All he knew was that he could look back on the first year with some real fondness, even smile or a laugh at a particularly good memory, and feel no pain. But getting into the second year, it was a different story.
It was little things at first: jibes Evan would make to him that would have been nothing on their own, but that amounted to something potentially destructive. There were the days that Kyle would feel defensive and moody, overly sensitive to anything Evan said to him. There were the nights when they’d both had a bit too much to drink and end up in a fight over nothing, over things no sane person would fight about, heated debates that sometimes ended in tears and one of them storming out, or, more often, rough, angry sex. Kyle remembered that very clearly, despite the fact that it was often alcohol induced. It wasn’t like the sex they had usually. He’d always felt so hollow after, so alone. And he hadn’t even realized what that feeling was, until now.
Not all of their fights were about nothing, of course. Some of them were life-altering, major turning points in their relationship. For worse, often, but sometimes for better, at least in the short term. One in particular, that took place around the two-year mark, was coming back to Kyle with full force.
They’d been out with friends. Or, Evan’s friends, specifically. They had plenty of mutual ones too but there was a group of especially pretentious, artsy acquaintances that Evan knew from school and liked to see on occasion. Kyle never felt he’d fit with them, mostly because they ignored him for the most part. Anything he ever tried to contribute to the conversation was dismissed, and Evan always just let it happen. There were times when Evan was planning to see them that Kyle would refuse to go with him, which always pissed Evan off. Accusations would be thrown around about “not making enough of an effort,” which Kyle resented heavily.
He made plenty of a fucking effort, and Evan knew it.
That night, he had simply wanted to avoid a fight, irony of ironies. That had been the goal. He agreed to go out with the group, have a few drinks, and be content to be ignored. Just stay quiet, that was all he had to do.
But then one of them mentioned a Gauguin exhibit that was coming to the AGO in a few months, and Kyle, confused and more than a little beer-fuddled, had said, without thinking, “But I thought he was an architect.”
The entire table had stared at him, faces twisted in confusion, and with a few exchanging knowing looks, as if ready for Kyle to make a fool of himself.
Kyle felt his cheeks go red, immediately regretting opening his big mouth. But he was in it now, and he thought he knew what he was talking about. “Didn’t he design that really famous cathedral in Barcelona?”
“Are you talking about Gaudi?” one of them asked with the cock of an eyebrow.
Gaudi. Kyle thought that over, realizing that sounded right. “Yeah, I guess I am.”
The table burst into laughter, including Evan, and Kyle sat back, wishing he could just shrivel up into nothing.
“You don’t know the difference between Gauguin and Gaudi?” another one of them said, giggling all the while. “Jesus. Read a fucking book or something.”
They all laughed some more, and Kyle sipped on his beer, deciding he really wasn’t going to speak another word for the rest of the night. And he didn’t, not when they’d moved on to other topics, not when Evan had leaned into him and asked if he wanted another beer, liquor heavy on his breath. He just shut down, imagining he was anywhere but there.
Evan was upset when they got back to Kyle’s apartment.
“You were really rude tonight, you know,” he said. “I mean, I know you don’t follow art and literature the way they do, but you could have at least pretended like you were listening. You didn’t even say goodbye to them when we left.”
Kyle remembered unwinding his scarf from around his neck, staring at the back of the chair that he tossed it onto. He remembered how tight his throat felt at that moment, how his eyes were swimming, the humiliation, the anger, and the blatant injustice of Evan’s accusation threatening to consume him.
It was so unfair. Evan always took their side, never seeming willing to see it from Kyle’s perspective. Like he cared more about them than he did about Kyle. He was so angry he didn’t have words. He didn’t want to look at Evan, hear him, touch him, anything. He wanted Evan to just go away and leave him alone.
“Kyle?” Evan asked from behind him. “Are you just going to ignore me, like you ignored them all night?”
Kyle clenched his jaw, swallowed, and found the words.
“This is so utterly fucked.”
There was silence at his back for at least ten seconds. Then, finally, Evan answered. “What?”
Kyle steeled himself and turned. “This. Tonight. Everything. The way you treated me. It was so fucked up, Evan. And now you’re standing there accusing me of being rude, which is just so fucking… I mean, where do I even start?”
Evan stared at his face, taking him in. “Are you crying?” he asked, incredulous.
Kyle dashed a hand across both cheeks quickly, wiping away the couple of tears that had spilled. “Yeah,” he said. “Yeah, I am. Because I feel like shit. And it’s because of you, and your stupid, fucking, horrible friends. I always feel like shit when I’m with them, and you know that, and you make me go anyway. And then you stand there and say I’m rude because I don’t talk to them? They don’t talk to me! They are fucking rude every fucking second of every fucking day and I do my best to put up with it for you.”
Evan scoffed. “That is so way out of… Just because they’re not your kind of people or whatever… I mean, you’re so goddamn picky-“
“They’re assholes, Evan!” Kyle interrupted, taking a step forward until he was only inches from Evan’s livid face. “They’re mean, arrogant, phony assholes who don’t give a shit about anyone and just sit around entertaining themselves by putting other people down to make themselves feel smarter. They’re a bunch of dicks, and I hate them. And I hate who you are with them.”
Evan’s eyes widened in shock and confusion, and Kyle wondered for a moment if he really didn’t get it, if he really was that incapable of seeing outside of himself.
“You laughed at me,” he said, his voice cracking. “I had a brief memory lapse and confused Gauguin with Gaudi, and instead of just correcting me and explaining the difference like civilized fucking people would, they laughed at me and told me to read a fucking book, and you laughed with them. You didn’t defend me or-“
“That’s what this is about? The Gauguin thing? Seriously? That was so, like, not a big deal,” Evan said.
“It was a big deal to me,” said Kyle, unwilling to let Evan brush this aside like he did all the other slights those friends had lobbied at him. “And I think you know that. You have to know that they’re doing it on purpose. You’re not really that fucking naïve, are you, that you don’t know what they think of me? If they’re willing to be like that to my face I can only imagine what they say about me behind my back.” Evan’s face was stoic, and Kyle took that to mean he was right. “And you probably never defend me, do you? Doesn’t matter if I’m there or not. They can say whatever shit they want about me-“
“They don’t talk about you that much-“
“-and you never say a fucking word on my behalf.” His eyes bored into Evan’s, realizing a truth he’d never wanted to acknowledge before. “Because a part of you thinks they’re right, right?” Another tear slipped down his cheek, and he ignored it. “There’s a part of you that wishes I was more like them, that wishes I could just find some way to fit in. You care more about how I look to them than about how I feel when I’m with them. And that… that is utterly fucked, Evan. That is just so…” He shook his head. “That is just so utterly fucked. And it makes me think, you know… it makes me think that maybe we… maybe you and I are just…”
“What?” Evan asked, his voice a whisper. For the first time that night, he actually looked afraid, like maybe it was time to start taking this seriously. “Just what?”
“I don’t know,” Kyle replied, knowing that if he said what he was thinking, it could very well be the end. And a part of him, most of him, really, was terrified of that. “Sometimes I just… wonder… if maybe… if maybe I’m not what you want. It just seems like you’d rather have someone who likes all the stuff you like and who gets along with all of your friends. It seems like you don’t even want me.”
“That’s not true,” Evan said immediately. “I never said that. Don’t put fucking words in my mouth, Kyle.”
“I know you never said it, but it’s how you act,” Kyle accused.
“That’s not true,” Evan insisted, like that would be enough to make the gnawing in Kyle’s heart go away.
“Well, it’s how I feel right now.” Kyle turned away then, more defeated than anything. It didn’t matter what Evan kept insisting. It was just further proof that he didn’t get it, and Kyle didn’t know how to make him see. “I feel like shit, and I don’t want to have this fucking argument. You’re not even listening to me.”
“I am listening,” Evan answered, in that same voice that was so sure, but at the same time, so desperate. “I’m listening to what you’re saying, Kyle. But I don’t know what you want me to do.”
Kyle turned back. “Act like you love me. Act like you love me. Act like you care about me and how I feel instead of how they feel. Think about me for once. Put me first.”
Evan took a step forward, his brown eyes sparking in a way Kyle recognized. “I do love you-“ he began, his arms already reaching. But Kyle stopped him with the raise of a hand.
“Not like that. Not with sex. I am so not in the mood right now, you don’t even know.”
Evan stopped in his tracks, looking genuinely stymied, and Kyle remembered taking some satisfaction from that.
That’s right, he thought at that moment, watching the other man trying to sort out how to handle this. What do you do when sex is off the table? What do you do when you have to actually use words?
Evan took a step back, ducked his head, and was silent for at least a minute. When he looked up again, his eyes were wet, much to Kyle’s shock. He rarely saw Evan cry.
“I’m sorry,” Evan said hoarsely. “I didn’t know you felt that way. I’m sorry.”
Though Evan’s rare show of emotion was tugging at Kyle’s heart, he couldn’t fully accept what sounded like another excuse. “I think I’ve made it pretty clear in the past. And I think if you were paying attention to me and how I was feeling, instead of just your friends and how they were feeling, you would know all of this already.”
Evan’s jaw tightened as he looked at the floor, but Kyle didn’t think it was in anger. Maybe shame, which softened Kyle further.
“Ok,” Evan said, nodding. “Yeah, ok. I hear you.” He sniffed and swiped at his nose. “I’ll do better. I’ll be better. I promise.” He looked at Kyle then, eyes still glistening, and Kyle could already feel himself giving in.
“Thank you.”
“I do love you, you know. I love you.” Evan’s voice cracked. “And I know I’m not good at this. I know I’m fucked up, but… I really am trying. And I’ll try harder. Just don’t…” His eyes were big and brown as they met Kyle’s, as tears spilled over. “Just don’t leave me, please. Just stick with me, and I’ll get better at it. I promise I will.”
Wiping away tears of his own, Kyle opened his arms and Evan went immediately into them, burying his face against Kyle’s collarbone.
“Please don’t leave me,” Evan said again. Though the words were muffled, Kyle understood them. “I don’t know what I would do if you left me.”
“I’m not leaving,” Kyle assured him, kissing him on the side of the head. “I love you too.”
There, on the couch, in present day, Kyle found himself crying silently at the memory. How could he have forgotten that? It was such an important fight, not because it was bigger or louder than the rest – because it wasn’t – but because it was a turning point, an argument that led to things actually getting better, at least for a while. Evan no longer made Kyle go out with that group of friends. He made an effort to find activities they both enjoyed, spend more social times with friends they shared. He was more demonstrative in his affection. And it all made Kyle feel like things really would be all right.
He got complacent after that. It wasn’t how he saw it at the time, but he knew it now. He was lulled into a false sense of security, enough that when Evan suggested they move in together, it felt like the right thing. Things weren’t perfect, but they were good. He had no way of knowing at the time that it would all go downhill from there.
Kyle couldn’t be sure, but he suspected that there was something about their moving in together that made Evan feel like he had license to start acting like his old self again. It was little things, really, subtle insults, backhanded compliments, dogging him in front of their friends in a way that almost seemed like a joke, but not enough to make Kyle feel all right with it. Every time Kyle called him out, Evan would find some way to make up for it, would promise he wouldn’t do it again, would be sweet for a little while before the whole thing would start back up. That constant push-pull of Evan’s bouts of cruelty followed by promises of love became the reality of Kyle’s life. Though he couldn’t admit it at the time, he could now see that the career change and the considerations of living internationally were his way of finding an escape, a permanent exit that wouldn’t have Evan finding some way to reel him back in again.
Evan knew it though. He was so angry, when Kyle first mentioned wanting to leave his job, maybe move out of Toronto in search of other opportunities. Though Kyle had told Evan to come along, or offered long-distance as a temporary option, he could see now that those offers were made half-heartedly at best. Deep down, he’d been trying to find a way to leave, and Evan saw through the pretense. That was why Evan was so upset, why he had acted the way he did in those final months.
I don’t know what I would do if you left me.
Draco was right. Evan had been hurt, and that was why he was practically pushing Kyle away by the end. Because Kyle was going to leave anyway. He was going to do the thing he told Evan he wouldn’t do.
Kyle hadn’t explicitly promised him he would never leave. He’d never used those words, probably intentionally. Because some part of him knew he would always have to leave. It hurt too much, the grip Evan had on him. He had to figure out a way to extricate himself.
He could never regret his decision to leave. He was very glad to no longer be stuck in that horrible cycle with Evan. But, for the first time since the breakup, he did feel some remorse, at least for the way it had all been handled, for his part in the pain of their breakup. Evan wasn’t a good partner, but mostly because he wasn’t ready to be. There was so much from his past he hadn’t dealt with – wasn’t willing to deal with – and so much he was afraid of. Being left behind was one of the things that terrified him the most, and Kyle did it to him anyway. There was a tragic irony in all of it that Kyle felt acutely now, in a way he had scarcely allowed himself to feel before.
Time was passing, but Kyle hardly noticed. Afternoon gave way to evening, the light outside his window the only indication. Kyle mostly sat and thought, occasionally getting up to wander the house, thinking and thinking. He cried more than once as various memories overtook him, some happy, many sad, and most a bittersweet mix of the two.
He was lounging on his sofa, just thinking about how he should probably eat something (he hadn’t put anything in his stomach since the coffee with Draco many hours ago), when the pop of apparition startled him from his thoughts. His sister had appeared by his front door, and she was looking right at him, a mixture of concern and annoyance pinching her features.
“You were supposed to owl me,” she said.
Kyle sat up. “I forgot.”
“Yeah, I figured that.” She looked around the room. “It’s so dark in here.”
She was right. The only light that was on was the fairly dim one over the stove. She flicked a switch, and the living room was suddenly illuminated.
“How long have you been sitting here?” she asked.
“A while,” he said. “Just thinking.”
“Did the coffee not go well? You look like you’ve been crying.”
“No, the coffee was fine,” Kyle said honestly. “I mean, it was uncomfortable, like I thought it would be. But Draco was nice. We talked for a long time. He helped me, I think.”
Lindsey came to sit next to him on the sofa. “So why do you look so sad?”
“Just thinking about Evan,” Kyle said.
“Oh, Gods,” said Lindsey, putting a hand over her face. “That wasn’t the point of this, you know. To get you over Draco just to bring you back to Evan. The point was to move on.”
“I am moving on,” Kyle said. “I’m not back to Evan, Lins. I was always there, I just didn’t know it. I’m working through my shit, that’s all.”
“You’ve been working through your shit for months,” she said impatiently. “Isn’t it time to let go, to start thinking about the future?”
“What do you think I’m trying to do?” Kyle asked her, feeling a sharp spike of defensiveness. “It’s not as simple as just, ‘Ok, over Evan now. Time to move on.’ I’ve got some processing to do. That takes time.”
Lindsey sighed, and they were silent for a bit. “I was going to see if you wanted to grab dinner,” she said. “Have you eaten?”
“Not since breakfast,” Kyle admitted.
To his surprise, Lindsey threw up her hands in obvious frustration. “Well, that’s just great. My brother can’t even feed himself.”
Kyle just stared at her for a second. “That was pretty mean. I’m going through a fucking crisis here.”
“Yeah, well, you’ve been going through a crisis for a hell of a long time, it seems to me. It seems to me like you like being in crisis more than you like being happy.”
Kyle gaped at her. “That is total bullshit. You think I don’t want to be happy? You think me moving here and finally getting out of that fucked up relationship wasn’t about trying to be happy? You think getting together with Draco and trying out a new relationship wasn’t an attempt at being happy? Because I’m trying here, Lindsey. I’m trying really fucking hard. And not a lot of it is working out for me, and so now I’m trying to figure out what went wrong, to see if I can find a way to be happy. I’m fucking working on it. But you coming here and yelling at me-“
“I’m not yelling,” Lindsey said, huffing.
“Whatever. I really don’t need a lecture right now. So if that’s why you’re here, you can leave.”
She looked at him, clearly hurt, but she didn’t move, except to cross her arms over her chest. “I’m sorry,” she said finally. “I swear this isn’t about a lecture. But all this moping is really starting to worry me. It’s not healthy.”
“Because you’re a mental health professional, and can clearly make that call,” Kyle said, aware that there was a thread of venom in his voice.
“Maybe you need a mental health professional.”
“Maybe I do,” Kyle said, mostly just to shock her. He wasn’t actually sure if that was true. Maybe, if he really couldn’t get this sorted out on his own, he would find someone to talk to. “It’s something worth thinking about. But I’ll make that call for myself.”
She huffed again, and Kyle had a feeling he knew what that meant.
“You don’t trust me,” he said. “You don’t trust me to make the call that’s right for me.”
She looked at him soberly. “I want to.”
“Then do it. I can’t make you. You have to decide to. You have to decide that I’m capable of taking care of myself instead of always trying to swoop in and make it all better. Believe it or not, that doesn’t actually help me.”
She swallowed. “I just want you to be happy,” she said. “That’s all I’ve ever wanted. And I’m leaving soon, and sometimes I worry that I’m leaving you in worse shape than when I came here.”
“You’re not,” Kyle said. “Because I was in denial about a lot of things. I was glossing over the… the damage, for lack of a better word, that Evan did to my self-esteem. I wouldn’t let myself see it before, so I had no way to work through it. But Draco helped me see it today. He told me stories from his own life, he helped me understand just how… how hard I am on myself. How horrible I am to myself.” To his amazement, tears were welling up once more. He thought he’d already cried himself dry, but apparently not. “It’s hard to face, but he’s right. So I need to sort through that, come to terms with it. And I need more than an afternoon. So excuse me if you’re catching me at a difficult time in my life, but that’s just the way it goes.”
Lindsey was quiet again, but she no longer looked angry or hurt, and that was something, at least. “I never thought about it that way.”
“Yeah, well, self-esteem has never been your issue,” he said, and when she gaped at him he was quick to explain himself. “I mean it as a good thing, obviously. We all have our issues, but you’ve always been confident. And that’s great. That’s great for you. But I’ve never really felt that before. I’ve never been sure of myself in anything, and especially not in my relationships. And I want to figure out why that is and how I can be better about that. I really want to, I promise. But I need time. And I need… I need for it to be ok with you that I’m not always happy. I need it to be ok with you that I’m a work in progress and that my life won’t magically be happy and perfect by the time you leave London. Because that isn’t going to happen. You’ve got to have some faith in me that things will keep getting better after you leave.”
Lindsey reached out for his hand, and he let her take it, feeling the tight grip and seeing a kind of fierce love come into her eyes, all of a sudden. “You’re right,” she said. “We’re all just a work in progress, aren’t we?”
Kyle squeezed her hand in appreciation, letting a soft smile curl at his lips. “Yeah,” he said. “Exactly.”
***
Kyle knew that his talks with both Draco and Lindsey were important ones, and he was grateful for both of them. They had been what he needed to get some clarity and start moving forward. Still, by the end of the weekend he was feeling completely wrung out and not at all ready to resume work on Monday. He considered calling in sick, giving himself a mental health day, but decided against it in the end. Another day lying around his apartment wasn’t going to do him any good. Better to be around other people, people he liked, and try to be productive.
He came into the office that morning feeling both bone-tired and raw. Not even Angelina’s bright smile or fond reminiscing about the most recent pub night could lift his energy, and he sat down behind his desk with nothing but dread at the arduous tasks ahead of him. Another day of paperwork. Oh joy.
The first couple of hours didn’t prove to be very productive, despite his intentions, and Angelina’s distracting chatter, while usually welcome, only served to grate on him. He was starting to develop a headache. Pinching the bridge of his nose did only a little to help, but it was something.
Maybe there was a mild pain potion around somewhere, he wondered. There were various potions and ointments stored in the lab, in case of experiments gone wrong. It might be worth heading down there and digging around for something.
He was about to ask Angelina her thoughts when there was a knock at the door, and Clint Monarch opened it without any prompting.
“Morning,” he said to the two of them.
“Morning,” Angelina greeted him cheerfully. “What are you up to?”
“Just came to ask Kyle a couple of questions,” Clint replied, and then just walked right in. He didn’t even ask. Kyle looked up at him, blinking. “I’ve run tests on all the charms you suggested,” he began excitedly, making his way to Kyle’s desk, standing over him so Kyle had to crane his neck. “And I think I’ve had a breakthrough. Wearable charms have been common for a long time now, but it’s mostly been in jewelry, right? Because metals and minerals are so easy to imbue. But what about textiles? Most manufacturers don’t bother with that because the challenge of…”
Kyle rubbed a hand over his face, unable to hear anymore of Clint’s animated monologue. Each word felt like a hammer to his skull, and the presumptiveness of Clint’s attitude that Kyle was just there for the asking, that he was in any kind of mood to listen to someone else wax victorious while he had so much of his own shit to deal with… Well, frankly, it sent something bubbling up in him, an acidic resentment and a burning frustration in the inner lining of his throat. And that only added to the painful pulsing behind his eyes.
“…and I was just wondering what you think the next step is.” Clint was still talking, and Kyle looked up at him, his eyes narrowing into slits. “Do you think I should-“
“Has it ever occurred to you,” Kyle said, talking over him and making Clint falter, “that I have enough of my own work to do, and I don’t have time to help you with yours?” His words came out harsh and venomous, and tasted sharp on his tongue, but, in a twisted way, it almost felt good. Even the shocked look on Clint’s face felt a little good. “I mean really, you barge in here without even asking if I’m free and you start talking at me about some new great idea that you have, like I’m expected to care. Like I’m expected to just drop everything and help you. Well, I don’t have the time, and I am not in the mood. So just figure it out yourself, ok?”
Clint stood blinking at him a moment, before his eyes dropped, shoulders slumping. Kyle saw his throat bob as he swallowed, and one of his large hands came to scratch at the back of his head. He suddenly, despite his large size, seemed to look very small, like a nervous boy instead of a grown man, and Kyle felt the first stirrings of regret underneath the burning acid still churning beneath his sternum.
“Sorry,” Clint said, and it came out a soft rasp. He cleared his throat. “I’m sorry. I’ll just…” He turned away, leaving quickly and without another word.
Kyle put a hand over his eyes again, shielding himself from the outside world and that unpleasant interaction. He shouldn’t have been so harsh, and he already knew that. But then, he was also so tired, and he hardly had the resources at the moment to drum up some diplomacy. And he just needed the man to leave him alone for once.
Still, he had been really harsh. Too harsh. Shit.
He dropped his hand and opened his eyes, only to find Angelina staring at him from behind her desk. The disappointment he saw plainly in her features caused a different kind of burning to flare up behind his eyes. This was not born of anger, but of shame, of the realization that only had he been a complete asshole to the department’s resident “nice guy,” who hardly deserved that kind of treatment, but also that someone Kyle liked and respected as much as Angelina had witnessed it.
The burn became a sting, and Kyle felt moisture start to pool.
Gods, because this was obviously what he needed right now. To start crying at work. That was just perfect. That was just the icing on the fucking cake.
He stood up, not sparing another glance for Angelina, and rushed out of the office. He walked quickly down the hall, making a beeline for the bathroom and the solitude he hoped to find there.
He shouldn’t have bothered to come into work. That much was clear. People either wanted him to solve all their problems or they didn’t want him around at all, and it was just too much right now. He wiped at his eyes and pushed open the bathroom door.
It was empty, mercifully, and Kyle breathed a sigh of relief as he went into one of the stalls, sat down on the toilet, and put his head in his hands.
He was just so sick of this, of feeling this way. Of feeling hurt and angry, feeling rejected, feeling like he didn’t fit, like he was always fucking up. He was sick of being the person that shitty things happened to, that had such a hard time finding the good in all of it. He was sick of being in the middle of this ridiculous life crisis and feeling like it was all he thought about and all anyone seemed to know about him.
He wanted something different. He wanted his life to be about something other than being mistreated by Evan or being dumped by Draco. He wanted it to be defined by something else. He wanted to be defined by something else. Something good. Something he had control over, something he chose.
He sighed heavily, letting all the tension leave his shoulders, letting his breath smooth out and his tears naturally wane. He sat and breathed, and after a minute of that a sense of calm came over him, a heaviness that was more a comfort than a burden, like gravity, anchoring him there where he sat.
Because he had a choice, didn’t he? That was, in essence, what his conversation with Draco over the weekend had been about: choice. Draco had asked him why he chose to believe that Evan had never loved him, and Kyle’s response at the time had been purely second nature, because he’d seen it one way for so long that it felt like the truth. Evan had never liked him, and that was why he pushed Kyle away, told him to leave.
But Kyle had already taken the time to look at the relationship through a new lens, and he could see now that it was much more complicated than that, that Evan’s behavior had been more about Evan than it had ever been about Kyle. That Kyle had done the best he could, but it hadn’t been enough because it was never going to be. He would never have been able to fix Evan or their relationship, and he only would have become more miserable trying. So he’d done what he had to do to free himself, to free both of them, even. They were no good together; it had to end.
Seeing things that way was a choice, he could understand that now. That was what Draco had been trying to tell him. He could choose to see his past relationship that way, because it helped him move on and it helped him know what he would do differently in the future. And if that helped him, then why not?
And if he could choose to see his breakup with Evan that way, then he could also choose to see his breakup with Draco in a different way, in a way that helped him.
He could choose to see himself in a different way too.
Standing up, he unlocked the stall door and made his way to the sinks. He placed his hands palm down on the counter and leaned into it, meeting his reflection in the mirror.
What did he see?
At the moment, a too-thin, sleep-deprived man with a gaunt face and red-rimmed eyes. He saw remorse, guilt, frustration, and exhaustion. And none of these things were very encouraging. But he made himself keep staring, and he asked himself, what would Draco choose to see if he were here? What would Draco point out to him that Kyle had never noticed before?
The first thing that popped into his head, strangely, was not the presence of something, but rather the absence of something: fear. He could not find fear in his own eyes, or in the set of his jaw, or in his posture as he leaned towards himself over the sink. And this was unexpected, because he’d considered himself someone who found a way to be at least a little afraid of just about everything. And certainly, most of all, self-examination. But he didn’t see any now, only curiosity, and maybe the beginnings of resolve, and he wondered why that was.
Maybe on top of being sick of everything he else, he was also sick of fear. Now that would be a change he could really embrace.
The bathroom door opened, and Kyle changed his stance abruptly, standing upright and turning his head towards the unwitting intruder.
It was Clint (of course it was), looking a little worse for wear himself, making Kyle’s remorse and guilt return with full force. The two men stared at each other for a few seconds, both wide-eyed, both (Kyle guessed) trying to figure out what to say. Kyle was rapidly composing an apology in his head, but Clint spoke first.
“Are you all right?”
Kyle let out a surprised breath that almost sounded like a laugh. “I’ve been better, actually.” He looked at Clint, seeing that his expression had softened. “Look, Clint, I-“
“I owe you an apology,” Clint said quickly, as if he didn’t want Kyle to be the one to say sorry first.
“What?” Kyle answered, his eyes widening further. “No, trust me, you don’t-“
“I do, though,” Clint said, sounding genuinely contrite. “Because you were right. I came barging in, expecting your help without even asking, without even noticing that you’re obviously tired and upset and…” He sighed. “I should have been paying better attention. And for that, I’m very sorry. You help me all the time. You always help me, whenever I ask, and I took that for granted. I won’t again, I promise.”
“I don’t want you to feel like helping you is some big burden I have to bear,” Kyle said. “It’s not like that. The work you do is interesting, and I like talking about it.” He realized, as he said it, that this was true. He did always end up enjoying his conversations with Clint. The resentment he had felt towards the man was, in reality, more a product of Kyle’s insecurities than anything Clint had done. That was the real truth of it, much to his chagrin. “My reaction today was totally because of my own shit, and not because of something you did.”
“I wouldn’t blame you,” Clint said. “I don’t blame you.”
“Please, don’t excuse-“
“No, listen,” Clint said, stepping forward. “Because I realized something else, after I went back to my office and thought about what you said. I realized that not only do you always help me, but I also never help you. I’ve never even offered. And that’s so… self-absorbed.” He shook his head, as though he was the one who should feel shame and guilt, not Kyle. “I think I assumed that if you wanted my help, you would ask for it. That knowing that I came to you regularly meant that you would know you could always come to me. But that’s quite an assumption. An unfair one, in fact. I should have told you… I should have made it clear that if you ever needed something from me, I would happily give it.”
Kyle was completely floored, and honestly had no idea how to react to that. Because everything Clint was describing was not at all how Kyle saw the situation.
And yet Clint saw it that way. He felt he was the one who had been in the wrong. How strange.
“I appreciate that,” Kyle said, because he knew Clint was waiting for an answer, his brown eyes about as wide and shimmery as a sad puppy. “I really do. But I also never should have talked to you that way. I was out of line. It was… It was mean, and I’m sorry. I hope you know that I didn’t mean it.”
Clint bowed his head, nodding slightly. “Thanks,” he said, his voice holding even more than its usual softness. “And I hope you know that I did mean what I said. If you ever need help, all you have to do is ask.”
“Thanks. If I can ever get through these approvals and find a way back into research, I’ll take you up on that.”
“Good,” Clint replied. “But I’m not just talking about work. I’m talking about…” He trailed off for a second and, to Kyle’s surprise, put a hand on Kyle’s shoulder. “I’m talking about… anything, I guess. I guess I just… I just wanted you to know I’m here, that’s all.” He looked at Kyle directly, projecting sincerity, though he also seemed a little self-conscious about it. Kyle wondered if Clint was talking about feelings a bit more than he was really used to. He appreciated the gesture, that the other man was willing to make himself a bit uncomfortable, if it would get his point across.
“Thanks, Clint,” he said. “You’re a great person, you know.” He said it as much for himself as he did for the other wizard, because it was something worth remembering. “A better man than I am.”
“No,” Clint said, his hand tightening just a bit on Kyle’s shoulder. “Don’t say that, please. You don’t give yourself enough credit. You don’t realize how… how glad we are that you’re here. And how much you do for us. I wish you could realize that. I really do.”
There were unexpected echoes of his weekend, of his conversation with Draco, in that statement, and it made Kyle wonder.
You don’t see yourself very clearly, Draco had said. It was seeming more and more like maybe he was right.
He thanked Clint again and then, because even he was hitting his threshold for talking about feelings, he took his leave, making his way back to his office. He was so lost in thought that he almost didn’t realize he was passing both Rico and Hannah in the hallway. But an exciting calling of his name got his attention.
“Hey,” he greeted them, hoping he didn’t still look like he’d been crying.
If he did, neither of them commented on it. Instead, they invited him to lunch.
“We’re getting a whole group together,” Rico said. “For the Leaky. Pints and food. You in?”
“We’ve all had shitty weekends,” Hannah added, by way of explanation. “Rico spent all of Saturday night getting turned down by witches for a shag and I had a terrible first date with that bloke from the Goblin Liaison office. I think we could all use a pick-me-up, don’t you?”
“So it’s Liquid Lunch Monday!” Rico declared. “Which I think should always be a thing. We should make it a thing,” he remarked as an aside to Hannah.
Hannah patted his arm and said, “Today will be a start, at least.” She turned back to Kyle, her eyes wide and pleading. “You’ll come, won’t you? I need to tell you about this date I had. You’re the only one around here who understands my plight!”
Then both looked at him expectantly, waiting for an answer.
“Yeah,” Kyle said. “Sure. I’m in.”
“Great!” Rico grinned. “Meet in the atrium in half an hour.”
They both waved goodbye to him and made their way down the hall, while Kyle walked in the other direction, feeling marginally better than before. Still, there was a small weight of dread in his stomach at the thought of facing Angelina and her judgment of how he had treated Clint. Though Kyle and the other wizard had cleared the air already, he wasn’t sure he was entirely prepared for that onslaught.
Weirdly, though, when he entered the office Angelina merely looked at him with a tilted head and asked if he was feeling better. Kyle stood there a moment, staring at her before finally answering that yes, he was. He waited, sure there was more, that he was about to get a good verbal lashing.
But instead, Angelina nodded and said, “Good. Hannah and Rico have invited us for a lunch outing at the Leaky. I told them I would ask you.”
“Oh, um, yeah. I ran into them in the hallway.”
“Ah, well, there you are then,” she said. “Normally I would have said yes on your behalf anyway, and just dragged you there myself if you were being difficult about it.” She gave him a wry smirk that he couldn’t help but return. “But with everything that just… well, I know they’re going to invite Clint as well and I wasn’t sure-“
“I already spoke to him,” Kyle interrupted her. “And apologized, obviously. And he also apologized to me, which was totally unnecessary. But he seemed insistent on doing it anyway, so…”
“That’s Clint for you,” Angelina said simply.
“Yeah.” Kyle was starting to realize how very true that was. “Anyway, we had a good talk. We’re good.”
She nodded at him. “Glad to hear it.” Her face softened. “And you’re really all right?”
“Yeah,” Kyle answered, feeling sheepish. “I just had a… rough weekend is all. Intense. I want to tell you all about it at some point, but not right now. Or I’ll start crying again.” He hoped she heard the thread of humor in his words.
He wasn’t sure, because her expression softened even more and she stood up from her desk, came over to him, and wrapped her arms around his waist in a hug. She was considerably shorter than him, and her head came to naturally rest against his chest.
Surprised, but also pleased, he put his arms around her in return. “Thanks,” he murmured.
“You’re welcome,” she said. “And when you’re ready for the rest, I’ll be ready to listen.”
Kyle felt a swelling of gratitude in him, and it lightened all the heaviness that had still been lingering under his breastbone. Gratitude for Angelina yes, but also for Clint, and for Hannah, and even Rico.
“You all are so nice to me,” he found himself saying, resting his cheek on the top of Angelina’s head. “Even when I act like a dick or am being annoying and sad. You’re still so nice.”
Angelina’s arms tightened just a fraction around him. “Idiot,” she said. “It’s because we love you.”
***
“Choice” became the new theme of Kyle’s life for the next few weeks. He made a commitment to be kinder to and more accepting of himself. He made more of an effort with his colleagues, realizing he had been resisting friendships with some of them more out of fear of rejection than dislike. He worked on forgiving Evan and letting go of the pain their relationship had caused him.
It was all easier said than done, and he knew that. So in addition to all of that he made the choice to schedule an appointment with a Mind Healer, and he made the choice to show up on time and be as open-minded as he could about what she had to say.
She didn’t say much, though, mostly just let him talk, asking the occasional question and nodding and humming and saying things like, “That’s an important insight,” and “Tell me more about that.”
Kyle found it helpful and decided to go for a few more sessions, though he wasn’t sure if it needed to be something long term. He already felt better. He felt more empowered and sure and capable than he ever had in his life. He believed, purely, for the first time ever, that things would actually work out.
Lindsey could see the change in him as surely as he could feel it in himself, and she told him so, the very day she was leaving for Toronto.
“I’m glad we had this time together,” she said.
“Me too,” he said, returning her embrace.
“I’m proud of you.” Her voice was shaky as she clutched at him. “I love you.”
Kyle returned the sentiments, promised they’d see each other at Christmas, and sent her on her way.
It was the right time for her to go, and it was for the best, really. Kyle couldn’t help but feel he’d be better served going it alone for a little while. He needed some time, without his sister, without a boyfriend, without a crutch. It was what he wanted. He even believed it would feel good.
Still, Lindsey’s leaving left him a little despondent for a few days, and he was already noticing how easy for him to slip into the habit of complaining about it, deciding it meant everything would be hard, that he was destined to be sad. The difference was, this time he wasn’t interested in indulging in that. Rather, he started thinking about what he could do to make work more enjoyable for himself. He had been stuck in a rut for a while, and he knew it.
So, for the first time ever, he went to visit Clint in his office.
The two men had been cordial yet cautious around each other since what Kyle was calling “the bathroom incident.” Kyle made more of an effort to be kind, to talk to Clint at pub nights, and be helpful whenever possible. The thing was, though, that Clint hadn’t come to his office for a chat since that day. He appeared to be trying to be sensitive to how much help he’d already asked for from Kyle in the past, and was avoiding overloading him. Kyle didn’t know how to go about telling him it wasn’t necessary. The whole thing still felt so awkward to him.
But maybe it was time for an olive branch, even if things did get a little awkward in the process.
“Do you have a minute?” he asked the chocolate-skinned wizard, after he’d knocked and Clint’s deep voice had invited him in.
Clint blinked at him a couple of times, rearranged a few papers on his desk without looking at them, and said, finally, “Of course. Have a seat.”
Kyle smiled, feeling the strangeness of a role reversal and deja vu simultaneously.
“Thanks,” he said, doing as Clint instructed. “I was hoping for some advice, actually.”
Clint smiled back at him, obviously pleased, and Kyle felt his insides warm a little. It was always nice to do something that so obviously made another person happy, and Clint was starting to become a person in his life that he really wanted to see happy. The man deserved it, certainly.
“Happy to help,” he said.
Kyle decided to launch right into it. Clint knew much of the context already: how much time Kyle was spending on paperwork these days, how much he missed the lab and being hands-on with his projects.
“You suggested I should start something new, even if it didn’t go anywhere,” he said. “And that stuck with me, you know? I’d really like to think of a new project. But all of my ideas are just… too small, or they’re not…” He trailed off, trying to think of the right word. “They’re incomplete, I guess. I need to flesh them out. And you seem really good at that.”
“Why don’t you tell me what you’ve been thinking so far?”
Kyle did, going item by item down his (very short) list, and they spent the next half hour discussing them all in depth. Kyle found himself leaning forward with his elbows over the desk, thirsty for new insights. Clint was, it turned out, pretty insightful. He had a way of seeing the big picture and the important details at the same time; he could pinpoint where the gaps were, the potential pitfalls, the crux of a problem. It was very useful, although, in this case, it served to eliminate every one of Kyle’s ideas, because they all needed more development before he could start on a protocol. He had more work to do before he could get back in the lab, it seemed.
“Which one do you think is my best option?” he asked the other man. “I don’t mind doing more work but, if I’m going to, I want it to be worth something.”
Clint chewed on his lip a moment. “I agree,” he said. “Which is why I have a different idea altogether.”
“Ok,” Kyle replied, surprised. “What is it?”
“Well, all of your ideas focus around healing charms, yeah? That’s sort of your… bread and butter, as it were.”
“Yeah, I guess that’s true...”
“And my current project is dealing specifically with healing charms as well.”
“Yeah…” He was already aware of that. It wasn’t a problem. Advancements in the world of Healing were always needed. There was room enough for both of them.
“So, I think you should take on my project with me.” He eyed Kyle warily as he said this, as though he wasn’t sure how the brunet would react.
Kyle didn’t really know how to react, truth be told. He’d done joint projects in the past, of course. Some things required extra hands and extra minds. But since coming to London, he’d been flying solo, and that was what he was used to. Work dynamics in a lab setting were as important as expertise, and he had no way of knowing how he would work with Clint.
“We’d share credit down the middle, of course,” Clint said, perhaps trying to guess Kyle’s concern, though he was off the mark. “50-50 in everything.”
“You sure you want to share your project with me? It was your idea, and a really good one.”
“A good idea inspired by your work to begin with,” he pointed out. “And you’ve already consulted on it multiple times. I wouldn’t be nearly as far along without your help, and I’m not just saying that. With you on board, things would really fly, I think. There’s a lot I’m still figuring out and I would appreciate having a partner.”
Kyle considered asking for some time to think about it, but as he sat there he realized that it really was his best option. Clint’s new project had seemed interesting from the beginning, and it was true that they always managed to be productive together, in conversation, at least. Why would the lab be any different?
“All right, I’m in.”
A smile split Clint’s face, and Kyle was relieved. A part of him was still worried that the other man was offering to share the project out of obligation, or just to be nice, which he could totally see Clint doing. But the other wizard seemed genuinely excited to work with him, and Kyle felt himself giving him a small, tentative smile in return.
Maybe this was exactly what he needed.
***
By the end of September, Kyle had hit a reliable and enjoyable routine. He looked forward to work a lot more now that he had joined Clint’s project. They did very well together, visiting each other often in their offices to go over new protocols and review their notes, and their lab time was Kyle’s favorite part of the day. Clint was quiet when they worked, which suited Kyle very well. He could rarely concentrate surrounded by a lot of noise or talking, which was partially why he had resisted working jointly with other members of the department. But he’d never given Clint enough credit for the kind of focus he was capable of, and it encouraged Kyle to focus as well.
They were slowly starting to get to know each other, each managing to come out of their shells and talk about things other than work. Clint gave him small glimpses into his life, talking about his sisters and his father, who had raised the children alone for the majority of Clint’s childhood.
Kyle found himself talking a lot too, about his family, his friends back in Toronto, his favorite things to do outside of work.
It was a slow process, though. Clint only shared new things on occasion. But each new nugget of information was like a treasure; it was always interesting, and even more precious for its rarity. Kyle was learning to appreciate that.
He’d gotten closer with the rest of the department as well, and was now a regular at pub nights. He and Willem were getting to know each other better by default, since Kyle now spent so much more time in Clint’s office, which he shared with the older wizard. And Rico, it turned out, was about much more than Quidditch and cute witches, and – after a particularly fun night where Kyle and Rico both had a lot to drink and ended up quoting their favorite movies all night – the invisible barriers between them were starting to come down. He and Hannah had always had a bond, and it only deepened as Halloween rolled around and Hannah learned that her ex, Neville, had started dating someone else, someone he worked with at Hogwarts.
That had been a rough one, but Kyle was there hold back Hannah’s hair as she got rip-roaringly drunk and ended up puking in the pub toilets. Kyle rubbed her back and said any soothing words he could think of, knowing it was about getting through it more than anything. He’d been there.
And, all the while, Kyle avoided dating. He actually found this incredibly fulfilling, which surprised him. Deepening friendships were what he had really needed all along, it turned out, and he had no desire to break his temporary celibacy just yet. He occasionally got chatted up at the Leaky or out and about in London, by wizards and Muggles alike, but he found he was so focused on learning to be single and happy that no one ever sparked his interest. He did, occasionally, slip into old narratives about missed chances and fear that he would end up alone, but he felt much more equipped to handle that than before. All he needed to do, he was learning, was mention his thoughts to Angelina or Hannah and they would give him a little pep talk and remind him of the things he was trying to do for himself. And it always worked.
***
October gave way to November and the London streets were getting chillier. Kyle was pretty inured to the cold, though, and he actually welcomed the change. With the shift in season also came the annual European Charms Conference in Munich, which Kyle wasn’t all that excited about, though only because it was taking Clint away for a few days. He was going to present his newest patent on charmed metals there, and Kyle was genuinely happy for him. But Kyle found he was going to miss the man. He had a lot more fun working with him than alone.
“Don’t leave me!” he cried jokingly, the day before Clint was set to take his international portkey. “I don’t know what I’ll do without you.”
Clint rolled his eyes but smiled a small smile that told Kyle he was a lot more pleased than he was willing to let on. “You’ll be fine without me. I won’t even be gone a week.”
Kyle pouted. “But I’ll be bored working on my own. You’ve spoiled me. And you’re the one who knows how to talk to Rosemary.”
“I’ve told you how to talk to Rosemary already,” he answered, which was perfectly true. The man had given Kyle a lot of tips at how to sweet talk the witch into being nicer, and giving him better lab hours. But Kyle hadn’t actually put these tips to use. Rosemary still intimidated the hell out of him.
Kyle sighed despondently.
“I’ll come back to you soon,” Clint said. “I promise.”
And the next day he was gone, and things were different. One would think, given how quiet the man was, that it wouldn’t make much of a difference to the energy around the office. But it really did. If anything, everyone was more jumpy and restless, not having the anchor of Clint’s presence around to ground them. Angelina and Hannah bickered a lot more, and Kyle felt kind of floaty as he went through his work, wishing he had his partner to turn to when he hit a snag in their current experiment.
At least the Rosemary sweet-talking worked out. Early the following week, Kyle finally accepted the inevitable and went to talk to her about next month’s lab hours, since the project depended on getting enough of them. He wasn’t sure if it was putting Clint’s “foolproof” script to good use, or if it was the fact that Rosemary knew these hours were for Clint’s benefits as much as Kyle’s, but she was very reasonable about the whole thing. Kyle left her office intact and actually a little cheerful – rather than with a feeling he had been put through a meat grinder as usual – and he counted that as a win.
He made his way down the hall, back towards his office, thinking of Clint and how proud he would be that his advice had worked out. Kyle couldn’t wait to tell him about it.
“There you are!” said a familiar voice. “I’ve been looking everywhere.”
Kyle was shaken from his musings to find Pansy Parkinson standing just outside his office, arms crossed and mouth tilted in a typical, slight smirk. He stared in surprise for a second, not used to seeing her in this part of the Ministry. If he ran into her, it was always during lunchtime in the commissary.
“Looking for me?” he said, crossing to his office door and gesturing her inside.
“Yes,” she said, accepting the invitation with a nod of her head. Kyle followed behind her. “I have an invitation for you. Usually I would send such things by owl, of course, but I thought it better to deliver this one in person. I’m aware you might need some persuasion.”
“Oh, Gods,” said Kyle, laughing. He took a seat behind his desk and Pansy took the other chair. “This doesn’t bode well.”
She batted her eyelashes at him, smiling with a sweetness that likely portended his doom. “It bodes very well, actually, so long as you accept the inevitable. I’ve made an acquaintance recently, you see, who I think you would quite enjoy knowing as well, and I’ve invited him to a dinner party next week. I’d like for you to attend.”
“You’re trying to set me up with someone.”
“Yes, naturally,” she said, unfazed by Kyle’s cutting to the chase.
Kyle sighed. “I’m not sure that’s such a good idea.”
“Why not?”
“I’ve decided to stay single for a while. After everything that’s happened recently… it’s what I’ve felt I needed, to, you know, get my head on right.”
“You mean everything with Draco?” Pansy asked, not unkindly. “That was nearly four months ago.”
“Yeah,” Kyle agreed, knowing exactly what she was implying. You should be over it by now. “But it’s not just about that. It’s not really about that at all. Draco breaking up with me wasn’t exactly fun, but it’s the end of my relationship with Evan that really… That’s what I’m wrestling with, more than anything. And I just don’t think dating someone new would help me with that.”
Pansy crossed her legs gracefully, head tilting as she thought that over. “It’s a reasonable argument, I’ll grant you that,” she said, after a moment. “But I would also consider how that kind of thinking might be holding you back, might make you miss some quite wonderful opportunities.”
Kyle looked at her skeptically. “You think I’ll like your new… acquaintance that much?”
She shrugged. “I think you might. And I certainly think he will like you. At the very least you could end up friends, and what would be the harm in that?”
“I don’t know…”
“Come to the dinner, at least. It’s going to be much smaller and more intimate than my summer events, and not the usual suspects. I think you’ll find you fit right in.”
Kyle chuckled. He should probably not be surprised that Pansy had picked up on his discomfort with her regular cohort. He wondered what she thought made these particular guests different.
“I appreciated that you came along with Lindsey to my parties, you know,” she said. “even though it wasn’t your scene. You always made a nice addition, and Theo especially enjoyed your conversations.” She met his eyes with a sudden, surprisingly melancholy expression, and Kyle couldn’t shake the uncanny feeling that he had unwittingly been drawn into a trap. “We both feel it would be a shame to lose the connection, just because Lindsey has left. We like you very much, and we would like to continue spending time with you.”
Kyle sighed again. Pansy was nothing if not persistent, and very clever. He knew exactly what she was doing, yet he still no longer felt as if he could say “no.”
“All right, I’ll go. I can’t make any promises about hitting it off with your friend, though,” he added, in reaction to Pansy’s triumphant smile. “I hope you won’t give him any expectations.”
“None at all, I assure you,” she said smoothly, “beyond just that you’re intelligent, handsome, and quite the do-gooder. But I would say that to anyone who asked about you, so the expectations are hardly inflated.”
Kyle rolled his eyes. “I’ll apologize in advance for disappointing him then.”
Pansy shook her head. “You are a puzzle, my dear,” she said. But he had already agreed to go, and she was satisfied enough with that. She said a quick goodbye to him, letting him know she would owl him the details.
Kyle was left with the distinct impression that he had been expertly manipulated, and he had no idea how he was supposed to feel about that.
***
Kyle was so convinced that he would regret attending Pansy’s party and meeting this acquaintance of hers, that it wasn’t until a few hours into the endeavor that he realized he was actually having a pretty good time.
The man Pansy had been so sure Kyle would get along with was… appealing. Kyle wasn’t sure of another word for it. He was shorter than Kyle and kind of compact, but wore tight jeans that flattered him and showed off his muscle. He favored dark colors and had a bit of punk vibe, complete with a wallet chain, studs in his leather belt, and what Kyle was pretty sure was a hint of eyeliner. He wore his golden blond hair on the longer side, and it gave him long, swoopy bangs that sometimes fell over his ice blue eyes. His name was Max. Max Cobalt.
Maybe Kyle should have found his coloring disconcerting, after Draco, but in truth he felt like Max and Draco were both blonds in the same way that toucans and owls were both birds. While Draco carried himself with the poise and grace of his obviously pureblood upbringing, Max lounged, seemingly incapable of sitting up straight. Despite his small size he took up space, both literally and figuratively, spreading his arms out across the back of a sofa and putting his boot-clad feet on the coffee table, smiling widely, laughing loudly, always keeping the conversation going.
From the moment Pansy had introduced them, Max had started asking questions. Where was Kyle from? How did he like London? What did he do for fun? What music did he listen to? What books did he like?
It never felt like an interrogation, though, because Max always had something interesting to say in reaction, something to share about himself, that made Kyle feel like he could relate. It was a real conversation, a good conversation, and time flew by without Kyle noticing. By the time he realized he’d stayed longer at this party than he ever had any of Pansy’s others, it was becoming clear to him that Pansy was better at matchmaking than he could have guessed. He laughed aloud at this, causing Max to pause in what he was saying and give him a smile and raise of the eyebrows.
“Sorry,” Kyle said. “You were saying?”
“I want to know what made you laugh just now,” he said smiling his always-smile. “Because it seemed like a good joke.”
“It’s not really. Or maybe it is, I don’t know. I was just realizing how long I’ve been here talking to you and…” He trailed off, knowing he was in danger of sounding very stupid. But Max just stared at him expectantly, waiting for him to continue. “When Pansy told me, well…” He laughed again. Merlin. Why did he have to feel so awkward so much of the time? “Let’s just say you weren’t what I was expecting.”
Max did laugh. “I’m rarely what anyone ever expects,” he said proudly.
“She didn’t tell me anything about you,” said Kyle. “Only that I would like you.”
“She told me a lot about you,” Max said.
“Oh Gods, and you still wanted to meet me?”
Max laughed again, like that was the good joke. “She told me you were tall, cute, and completely brilliant. So far so good, I’d say.”
Kyle felt himself blush, and wasn’t sure how to answer.
“We should go out sometime,” Max said. He leaned in, his voice dropping conspiratorially. “There’s so much more to do in wizarding London than attend these stuffy parties.”
“I’m sure that’s true,” Kyle said. “I’ll admit I haven’t had that much chance to explore.”
“Well, then we should explore!” Max said, looking enthusiastic. “There’s so much I could show you.”
They made plans for the following week and Max, true to his word, managed to fill an entire Saturday with interesting things for them to do. They started at an open market at the far end of Diagon that popped up at seemingly random times, though Max intimated that you could figure out when it was going to happen if you knew the right people.
And he always seemed to know the right people. He was familiar with multiple vendors and introduced Kyle to all of them. Kyle would usually find this overwhelming, but much of the goods being sold used obscure and experimental charms, and he could hold his own in conversation about them. Max looked on with a proud and satisfied grin, saying, as they walked, “I knew you would like it here.”
The man had a way of making a person feel wonderful just as they were, and Kyle was very drawn to that. Max was so different from him: gregarious, high energy, and completely unreserved, but Kyle never felt lacking in his presence.
At the market they bought enough street food to feed an army and had a great time at a nearby park, eating an impromptu picnic where they tried a bit of everything.
“My eyes are always bigger than my stomach,” Max moaned happily, laying back in the grass, clutching his abdomen, making Kyle laugh.
In the evening they went out for drinks, meeting up with a couple of other friends Max was sure Kyle would like. Kyle had heard that before, and might have gone in with some skepticism, but it turned out to be true. They were artsy types, like Max, but very down to earth and just as happy to hear from Kyle as to share their own perspectives. So not at all like Evan’s old friends that Kyle disliked so much.
To top it all off, at the end of the night Max insisted on accompanying him to his doorstep, and they ended up sharing a pretty great kiss in the lobby of Kyle’s building. Kyle wasn’t ready to bring him up to his apartment yet, and Max seemed fine with that, but it was nice to know there was potential for physical compatibility as well.
“Can we go out again sometime?” Max asked him, as they were finally getting ready to say goodnight.
“Yeah, I’d love to,” Kyle answered honestly. “But I’m going out of town pretty soon, so it will have to be when I get back.”
“For the holidays?”
“Yeah. I’m going to stay with my parents in Toronto. They haven’t seen me since I came to London, so I’m taking some vacation time to extend my stay.”
“Makes sense,” Max said. “I’ll miss you though.”
Kyle gave Max another peck to the lips, smiling. The other man was pretty cute, and hard to resist. “I’ll be back before New Year’s.”
“Great, “ Max answered, grinning. “I have a lot of other ideas for things we can do together.”
“Sounds good.” If their dates all went as this one had, Kyle could definitely get behind it.
***
When Kyle stepped back into the Ministry after a few weeks away, he found he had actually missed it. It had been great to catch up with his parents and to see Lindsey again, and to be able to show them that he was happy. The prospect of going back to work, then, should have been daunting or odious. But it wasn’t. He realized he had missed his work family while he was gone, and he was looking forward to their next pub night and get back in the swing of his routine.
It also helped that he’d gotten an owl from Max the night before, asking if he was back in town yet and if he wanted to go out with him some time that week.
All in all, things were looking up.
He beat Angelina to the office that morning, and wondered with a smirk whether she was still sleeping off the week of holiday excitement. While he waited for her he went through his inbox and then unrolled that edition of the Prophet that had been delivered that morning. Bypassing the political and sports sections (always boring), he went straight to the gossip pages, where all the juicy stuff could be found.
And was immediately confronted with a large picture of Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter, walking hand in hand with huge smiles on their faces. With some shock, he read the headline:

NEWS FROM DRARRY WATCH! HARRY AND DRACO ENGAGED!

Kyle snorted in amusement. So the couple had an official nickname now? He supposed it was inevitable, especially given this most recent development. His eyes scanned the picture briefly, noting that the graphics team at the paper had made a point of circling the simple but elegant engagement rings that bedecked each of their left hands, before finding a list of highlights below.

-IT HAPPENED OVER CHRISTMAS!
-A MUTUAL PROPOSAL!
-THEY’RE BOTH WEARING RINGS!
-INSIDE: Details on the happy couple’s summer wedding plans

The details themselves were actually very sparse, Kyle found as he turned the page to have a look. It was a lot of speculation and not a lot of fact, though that had been true about the coverage of Draco and Harry since the papers had first gotten wind of the relationship. As Draco had relayed to Kyle before, the two men valued their privacy, and only tolerated the papers reporting on their relationship because they knew it was unavoidable.
Kyle was just finishing the article when Angelina came in, greeting him with a smile and looking no worse for wear, actually. But when she saw what he was reading, the smile fell, replaced by a look that was cautiously concerned.
“I was hoping I’d get a chance to warn you first,” she said.
Kyle looked down at the article again and frowned. “Well, as much as I appreciate that, you don’t need to worry. I’m not upset.”
She didn’t answer, and he glanced up at her again to find her looking skeptical, if not also a little pitying.
“Oh, Gods,” he said, rolling his eyes. “Please stop looking at me like that. I’m fine with it. Seriously.”
She still didn’t say anything, and Kyle decided, with a sigh, that the only thing to do was prove it to her. “I assume you were there?” he said. “When it happened?”
She watched him a moment, chewing on her lip before coming around her desk and taking a seat. She leaned back in her chair, finding his gaze again.
“For part of it,” she said. “Harry’s proposal happened behind closed doors, later. But I saw Draco’s… if you could call it that.”
Kyle raised his eyebrows in a question, encouraging her to continue.
“You really want to know the details?”
“Yes,” he insisted. “I really want to know. And not to torture myself either. I’m just curious. The paper doesn’t seem to know much of anything, and I’d like to know how it happened. They both really proposed to each other?”
“They bought each other rings for Christmas,” Angelina said, sighing in defeat. “I got the impression it was some sort of unspoken contest, about who would ask who, and I suppose they independently got it in their heads that Christmas was a good time to do it. Harry had his stashed away somewhere and apparently was going to ask Draco later on in the evening, when he had him alone. But Draco had put his ring under the tree at the Burrow, in a big red box so as to be inconspicuous, so Harry would open it in front of everyone and be surprised. And of course Harry did open it, and everyone was shocked and pleased and all that, and wanted to know what Harry was going to say. And then Harry started yelling at Draco, calling him a ‘sneaky git’ – grinning all the while, you understand – and going on about how he knew he should have asked Draco the night before, instead of waiting, and how could he have let Draco get to it first… And Draco just sat there with this dopey smile on his face like Harry was the most brilliant thing he’d ever seen and like this reaction was totally normal, and it was all… all right, it was all quite sweet actually. Especially when Draco joined Harry on the floor in front of the tree and took out the ring and did a whole speech about how Harry is his best friend and the love of his life, and he kind of teared up and… you know, all of that.” She waved a hand, as if Draco’s heartfelt declarations of love and devotion weren’t the important part of the story. “And then everyone was getting all sniffly and weepy, and Draco put the ring on Harry’s finger, and then there was a fair bit of snogging. And that was it. That’s what happened.” She released another sigh, awaiting Kyle’s reaction.
He was smiling softly, picturing it. “It does sound sweet.”
She arched a brow. “That’s all you have to say?”
Kyle shrugged. “So Harry gave Draco his ring later, without everyone watching?”
“Yes, apparently. That’s more his style. Draco loves a show, but I think Harry wanted to… well… He generally prefers to say personal things like that without an audience. So I have no way of knowing exactly what he said or did when he gave Draco the ring, but I know that he did it that night, because when we saw the two of them the next day, they were both wearing their rings.”
Kyle nodded. “And they’re getting married this summer?”
“That’s the plan. There’s talk of them having it at Hogwarts, but nothing has been set.”
“Hm. Well, I guess that kind of makes sense. Good for them.”
“Good for them?” Angelina repeated. “Seriously?”
“Yes, seriously,” Kyle said, somewhat defensively. “It’s been, what? Five or six months now? You had to figure I’d be over it by now.”
“The way you were acting… you know, for a while there…” She trailed off.
He sniffed, returning his eyes to the paper and the picture of the two beautiful men smiling at the camera. “That was a while ago too,” he said. “And not just because of Draco. Because of a lot of things. Because… do I really have to explain it to you?”
Her face softened. “No,” she said.
“At the time, I thought Draco and I had promise. But we didn’t. He was in love with someone else, which was totally out of my control. I had no way of knowing and…” He took a deep breath, then sighed. “And I’m ok with that now. I know it wasn’t about me. Draco didn’t exactly… do right by me, choosing to date me when he was in love with Harry, but he didn’t have bad intentions. And I wasn’t exactly whole either. I was still getting over Evan, so…” He half-shrugged, hoping Angelina would fill in the blanks.
She slumped back in her chair, in a way Kyle could only describe as relieved. “Thank the Gods,” she said. “Because I was honestly really worried about how you would react. I didn’t want it to… come as a shock.”
Kyle scoffed. “It’s hardly a shock. I saw it coming before anyone else.” He gave her a look. “I told you they were serious. You were the one who insisted they weren’t.”
“Yes, yes, all right,” she said, waving her hand again. “They are, and you called it. And Draco is actually rather lovely, once you get to know him. I think… I do believe now that this thing between him and Harry is real. I just…” She chewed on her lip a moment. “I love Harry, and I want what’s best for him. But I love you too, you know? And I want what’s best for you.”
Kyle stifled a pleased smile. “Draco isn’t what’s best for me. So, good news there.”
Angelina sighed. “Yes. That is very much true.”
“So… maybe it’s time to talk about something else. Aren’t you going to ask about my Christmas?”
“Of course I am! Tell me all about it. Meet any cute blokes? Have a holiday fling, maybe?”
Kyle hadn’t, but it wasn’t like he was bothered by that. He had a very promising opportunity in Max, one he was intending to follow through on as soon as he had time to draft the wizard a quick letter to make plans. Until then, though, he could regale Angelina with the small dramas of his family and the juicy details of Lindsey’s latest relationship.
“It looks like this one actually might stick,” Kyle said. “Which makes Mom overly-ecstatic and Dad very skeptical. Funnily enough, I think Lindsey found both reactions equally annoying.”
Angelina laughed. “Well, I’m happy for her, at least. I’m sure you are too.”
“I am. That’s what I told her. It was nice to have some time with her. We got to talk like we used to. Not just about our problems, you know, but about the good stuff too.” Lindsey had commented on how together and content Kyle seemed now, and that was really gratifying to hear.
“You’ve been missing her, I’m sure. I know you haven’t said, but I could tell.”
Kyle gave Angelina a small smile. “I have been. But it’s easier than I thought it would be. In some ways, I think it’s been good for me to have my own life. I feel like I’m… building my own family, you know? I’ve got my own family right here. I feel really lucky.”
Angelina threw a piece of balled up parchment at him. “You big sap. Stop talking, or you’re going to make me cry.” Kyle laughed but followed her instructions. Of course, in truth, she wanted to hear more and just couldn’t admit it, so after a short silence she looked at him sideways and said, “So, what does that make me then? Your work sister?”
“Well, I certainly would like that,” Kyle answered, grinning. “I can definitely use another big sister. But only if you want to be.”
Angelina scoffed and tossed another ball of parchment his way, which hit him in the arm. “Of course I do,” she said, and then added, fondly, for good measure, “Idiot.”
***
Kyle’s next date with Max was even more successful than the first. They met for dinner, and the conversation flowed easily. Max was fun, interesting, and easy to talk to. He mentioned a friend’s band that was playing that night at a nearby bar, and invited Kyle to come along. It might have been a work night, but Kyle found he didn’t want the night to end. He wanted to spend more time with Max, and that could only be a good thing.
At the venue they had a few drinks, jumped around, sang along to the songs, and got very sweaty. And very close. As the night wore on their kisses got longer and more heated, their hands more possessive on each other. It wasn’t much of a surprise to Kyle that when Max invited him back to his place, he didn’t hesitate to say yes. He had a feeling that whatever they got up to at Max’s apartment would be worth the cost of a rough morning at work the next day.
And, in the morning, Kyle felt pretty good, all things considered. He was fifteen minutes late for work, but couldn’t muster up any guilt about it. He’d tried to take a hasty shower that morning at Max’s apartment, but then Max had decided to join him, and that made the shower last much longer than planned. After realizing just how late they were, they both scarfed down a hasty breakfast and Kyle cast as many freshening and anti-wrinkle charms as possible on his clothes and flooed in straight to the Ministry.
How nice it was to have a floo. And an enthusiastic kiss goodbye. He could certainly get used to it.
When he stumbled into the office with an apologetic smile towards Angelina, he saw that she wasn’t alone. Clint was there, sitting backwards on the chair as usual in front of her desk. Both of them stared at Kyle with eyebrows raised.
“Good morning,” Kyle said, fighting a grin. He went around his desk to his cabinet to retrieve his backup work robes, glad he’d thought of keeping a spare set in his office for just this sort of situation.
“Those are yesterday’s clothes,” he heard Angelina say.
Kyle pulled the robes around him and began buttoning himself up. “And?”
Clint’s face was blank, but Angelina’s was overtly disapproving, which Kyle thought was pretty rich considering she was always telling him to find a man and live it up.
“Did you shower, at least?” she asked, scrunching her nose as if she smelled something bad.
“Of course,” Kyle said, unaffected. Max had a black pepper body wash that smelled incredible, so he knew Angelina had no real cause to complain. “Max helped me get plenty clean. Don’t worry.” He let himself grin fully now, knowing he looked a little smug. He was surprised to find that neither Angelina nor Clint looked particularly happy for him. He snorted, half confused and half annoyed, and settled into the chair behind his desk. Neither of them were going to ruin his good mood, if he had anything to say about it. He decided to ignore them, thinking about the steam of the shower and Max’s skilled hands on him as he looked through his inbox for anything that might need his attention.
“I should get back,” he heard Clint say to Angelina. “I’ll see you at lunch.”
“See you,” Angelina said, giving him a small wave.
“Our lab hours start at 1, right?” Kyle asked him as Clint was making for the door.
“Uh, yeah. That’s right. 1 o’clock,” Clint replied, that blank expression still on his face. Kyle realized it was very off-putting to see it there. “I’ll see you then.”
“Sounds good,” said Kyle, though Clint was already halfway out the door.
Mentally shrugging, Kyle returned to his paperwork. He wasn’t able to concentrate for long, though. He could practically feel Angelina’s stare boring into him. He looked at her, finally, when he couldn’t take it anymore, and asked, still irritated, “What?”
She continued to stare, as though contemplating something. Then, clearly having made a decision, she stood up from her desk, coming around and seating herself in the chair opposite Kyle, sitting backwards the way Clint always did. There was a determined set to her mouth, though Kyle had no idea what it meant.
“I told myself I wasn’t going to do this,” she said. “I was asked not to do this. But I just don’t think I can take it anymore.”
“What’s wrong?” Kyle asked, completely disconcerted and wondering if he should be dreading whatever was coming next.
“I need you to do something for me.”
“Ok…”
Kyle saw the held breath in Angelina’s shoulders, the tension making them rise, before she let it out. “I need you to stop talking about being with other blokes in front of Clint.”
Kyle’s spasm of surprise was followed not long after by a jolt of true anger. “He has a problem with it.”
“A big problem, actually. Though he would never say.”
“Well, so long as he would never say it,” Kyle snapped. “Obviously he has you to say it for him.”
“It just hurts and upsets him, Kyle,” she said pleadingly. “I promised I wouldn’t tell you, but I just can’t watch him go through this anymore. And I know you don’t understand why, because he’s never told you-“
“Oh, I think it’s pretty clear why,” Kyle said darkly. “Though it’s totally unfair.”
She frowned. “I don’t think it’s… that unfair.”
“Rico talks about the women he sleeps with all the time,” Kyle said. “And you don’t hear me, or Clint, for that matter, complaining about that. I don’t hear anyone complaining. This isn’t any different, just because I like guys…” He swallowed a lump in his throat. “And I thought Clint was more open-minded than that. I thought that we were friends and that he was cool about me being gay. So excuse me if it pisses me off that I suddenly I find out that’s not the case. That doesn’t exactly feel good to hear.”
Angelina stared at him, wide-eyed. “What are you talking about?”
Kyle stared back, equally bewildered at her bewilderment, trying to figure out what was going on. “What are you talking about?”
“Well, I’m obviously not talking about Clint having a problem with your sexuality,” Angelina said, rolling her eyes as though Kyle were being stupid, “considering he’s gay too and that would be pretty hypocritical.”
“I’m sorry, what?" Kyle replied, gaping at her. He closed his mouth, realizing Angelina was probably just mistaken. “Clint isn’t gay.”
She laughed, though it sounded dry and disbelieving. “Uhhh, yeah, love, he is. Where have you been?”
“I’ve been right here, obviously. And Clint is not gay. I mean, he’s… you know…”
She watched him with raised eyebrows, waiting for him to continue.
“Like, really… you know… straight.” He wasn’t sure how else to explain it. “Like, really straight. A total jock. Doesn’t talk about his feelings and… you know… really stoic all the time.”
Angelina snorted. “Is that what all straight men seem like to you?”
Kyle shrugged. “I dunno… kinda.”
“Just because Clint played sport and keeps things close to the vest doesn’t automatically mean he likes women. Honestly, do I really have to explain this to you?”
Kyle rolled his eyes. “Obviously gay men aren’t all the same and they can like the same things straight guys like. I’m not an idiot.”
He ignored Angelina’s fake cough and muttering of “I beg to differ” under her breath.
“Clint just seems really straight to me, that’s all,” he went on. “The thought never crossed my mind that he could be anything else. And nobody freaking told me. Not him, not anyone.”
Angelina frowned in thought. “He’s been out forever. I mean, since Hogwarts. I suppose I never mentioned it because I assumed you knew. Seems to me like gay men always now how to recognize each other.”
“Well not all the time, obviously,” Kyle grumbled.
“Anyway, I guess it never came up. Probably because he honestly doesn’t date that much. Doesn’t much like casual, Clint, when it comes down to it. And then of course when you showed up… then he was really hopeless.”
Kyle furrowed his brow in confusion. “Hopeless how?”
Angelina’s expression had gone sober again. “Kyle…” she began, then paused, as though thinking about what she was going to say. “I’m not saying this to gossip or with any expectations beyond you just… being a little more sensitive around Clint, all right? If you’re not interested in him like that I understand. I don’t expect you to take to every other gay man that crosses your path or anything. But…”
Kyle continued to watch her, feeling as though he almost knew what was coming, though he wasn’t sure how it could be possible.
“Clint has very strong feelings for you,” Angelina went on. “Has since you got here. I know you didn’t know, so you shouldn’t feel bad about it. Clint never told anyone except me. And if Hannah or Rico picked up on anything, they’ve never mentioned it. Clint does keep things very private. He’s always been like that. It’s only because I’ve known him so long that he feels comfortable telling me the truth, about how mad he is for you. But he is. He is absolutely mad for you. And you keep dating other people and talking about it around him, and it’s hard for him. He wants to see you happy, of course, but it’s still… difficult. Painful.”
Kyle couldn’t believe the words that were coming out of Angelina’s mouth. He’d barely wrapped his head around the idea that Clint liked men. And to hear that Clint liked him… what was he supposed to make of that?
“I’m going to assume you’re not cruel enough to joke about something like this,” he said.
“Of course I’m not,” said Angelina. “This is so far from a joke.”
“I don’t know what to say. I don’t even know what to think, how to feel about this.”
“I know. It’s all right. Like I said, I didn’t expect you to… I mean, you’ve had a lot going on recently, haven’t you? And I’ve always assumed that if you liked Clint in that way you might have done something about it by now. Of course, now I know you never considered it because you thought he was straight, but even so. It seems like maybe he’s not your type and, you know, I respect that. I just want you to respect that he’s sensitive about you dating other people and that maybe if you could just tone that down a bit… not talk about it when he’s in the room? I hope he’ll figure out how to get over you eventually, but until then…”
Kyle shook his head. “It doesn’t make any sense.”
“Why not?”
“Because…” But Kyle had no good answer, other than, why would Clint like me that much? He wasn’t anything special, and he couldn’t think of one thing he might have done to earn Clint’s admiration. He hadn’t even been all that friendly to him until recently.
But he also remembered what he had promised himself, that he would try and stop harboring so much self-doubt.
Why wouldn’t Clint like me? We have a lot in common. Isn’t… isn’t it possible?
Yet Kyle had never seen any signs of it, which remained the biggest sticking point.
“He never told me,” Kyle pointed out, after some thought. “He’s had opportunities to ask me out.”
“He’s shy,” Angelina said. “And afraid of rejection, just like the rest of us. And the majority of the time you’ve been here, you’ve either been dating someone or have declared that you’re not dating at all. So I suppose he never saw it as the right time.”
“He hardly even talked to me until I joined his research project.”
Angelina scoffed. “That’s not true. He came in every week with a bunch of questions about charms he had desperately generated as an excuse to have conversations with you.”
Kyle absorbed that, trying to make sense of it. “That’s what all that was about? Having an excuse to talk to me?”
“Yes,” Angelina said, somewhat impatiently. “Essentially. Not that he didn’t get something productive out of your conversations, but it was mostly about spending time with you. Did you honestly think, after the nearly nine years that he has been working in Charms Development, that he wouldn’t already know the answers to half of what he asked you? Or that he would find you more useful than our extensive research library?”
Kyle snorted, remembering all the times he’d had similar thoughts. “Yeah, I always did wonder.”
“I know you did; I could tell by the look on your face every time,” Angelina replied, her eyes glinting with amusement. “He could too, I wager. He knew the excuses were flimsy, but he couldn’t seem to help himself, bless him.”
“Why didn’t he just talk to me about normal things?” Kyle asked. “He’s plenty good at that with you.”
“I’m his best friend here. He’s comfortable with me and also isn’t worried about what I think of him. Because he knows I love him already. But you…” She grinned. “Merlin, you make him so tongue-tied. Maybe less so now, that you two have worked together. But in the beginning…” She chuckled. “He could never think of anything to ask you that wasn’t work related. He said every time he looked into your eyes, his mind would go blank. He really admires your eyes, you know.”
Her smile was sly now, and Kyle felt his cheeks heat. “This is really weird,” he said.
“It’s a lot to take in at once,” she said, with understanding. “And maybe I shouldn’t have said anything. Merlin knows Clint would be mortified if he knew you knew how he felt. But…” She trailed off.
“I’m glad you told me,” Kyle said, realizing as he said it that it was true. He still didn’t entirely know what to make of the information, but he was glad he knew it. “I’ll be more sensitive, I promise.”
“Thank you,” she said, sighing. “That’s all I wanted, really. Well, nearly. If you two did end up getting together, I certainly wouldn’t be opposed.”
“I see,” said Kyle wryly. “Now the truth comes out.”
She rolled her eyes. “No pressure, of course. You obviously like this Max bloke you’ve started seeing. But still, it’s hard for me to imagine someone more wonderful, or more suited to you, than Clint.”
“You think so?”
“Of course. You want someone sweet and caring, don’t you? Someone loyal, someone true? Someone who will always be there for you?”
“Well, yeah. Obviously.”
“Then he’s your man,” Angelina said, as if it weren’t up for debate. “I don’t know a soul who fits that description better than Clint. Not to mention how spectacularly fit he is. Big, black, and beautiful. Who wouldn’t want him?”
Kyle snorted. “Your husband all right with you talking like that about another man?”
Angelina shrugged, grinning. “George has no reason to be threatened, not when he knows the man in question is as gay as a maypole and more like a brother to me than anything. Still… he is fit. You can’t tell me you haven’t noticed.”
Had he? The rest of the day, Kyle found himself considering the question. Giving it some thought, he supposed that he had to admit, albeit begrudgingly, that he had internally acknowledged Clint’s attractiveness. But only – he emphatically insisted – in the way that he acknowledged the attractiveness of any straight man: with a detachedness that never allowed any real interest. Straight men were unattainable and therefore pointless to pine over.
Clint had belonged squarely in that category, at least in Kyle’s mind, for so long that it required a lot of reorientation for him to think about it any other way. But, as the morning gave way to the afternoon and Kyle found himself back in the lab with Clint, Kyle did try to think about it, and think about it seriously.
If a person were to line up all the men that Kyle had dated since his teens, they would be hard pressed to be able to define a physical type. Kyle was certainly not immune to physical beauty (Draco Malfoy being living proof), but any kind of long-term interest was always based on other things: personality, intelligence, kindness, charm. When it came to looks, Kyle didn’t have much of a type at all.
Still, he had never dated anyone so tall or large as Clint Monarch. If anything, Kyle was used to being “the tall one” in the relationship by a few inches. He’d positively towered over his first boyfriend, back in sixth year, and he’d had a good four or five inches on Evan, who was under six feet. Because of this, he was used to being the one on the outside of the hug, the big spoon, the one who had to dip his head for a kiss. The idea of being the smaller one, the thinner one, the one who got to be wrapped up… well, that was kind of a novel idea, actually.
But also strange, definitely strange.
While Kyle and Clint both tinkered with the charms, tried different techniques on their samples, and compared notes, Kyle let half his brain wander to Clint and his muscular form. It was apparent even under the layer of robes, and Kyle had seen Clint out of his work clothes too at the pub, obviously. For a long time, he’d found all that muscle pretty intimidating, if he were honest, despite Clint’s soft-spoken and peaceful nature.
But when he looked past the intimidation factor and let himself think of the benefits of that muscle, let himself imagine running his hands over them, having those strong arms pick up him and toss him onto a bed or hold him upright while he rode Clint, of the way Clint’s toned ass would be perfect to help him thrust hard and deep…
Ok, he was getting a little carried away, and was now definitely, definitely picturing Clint completely naked. Which was not convenient, given his current circumstances. He took a couple of deep breaths and tried to control his wayward thoughts, as well as the funny, sharp ache they had kindled inside him.
Because there was definitely something to be said for athleticism, even just in his own imagination…
He shook himself again from thinking of the acrobatic sex he might be able to have with Clint. Because the truth of it was, Kyle had never been all that concerned with how acrobatic his sex was. Sex was nice, sure, but it wasn’t the priority. And Clint was hot – he could admit that fully now – but that didn’t automatically mean they would be good together. Another nugget of wisdom he’d taken from his conversation with Draco was that compatibility between two people was a much larger factor of success than any measure of “hotness” or… (what was the word Draco used?) “dateability.”
If anything, Kyle’s apparent ability to be attracted to Clint only made things more confusing. Because he still wasn’t sure he could feel that way about Clint Monarch, as much as he did like him, after feeling strictly platonic about him for so long.
And there was Max to consider, someone Kyle knew he both liked and was attracted to. He definitely wanted to see where it would go.
So, when it came right down to it, what choice did he have but to let things unfold as they were?
***
Kyle continued to see Max once or twice per week. Max was always inviting him to do things, most of which involved other people that Max knew one way or another. It was fun to go out, and everyone he met while by Max’s side was undeniably interesting, and, better yet, interested in getting to know him too. But he also had to admit he relished most the moments that he could be one on one with Max, whether it was over a meal, at a quiet bar, or snuggled up with Max on one of their sofas.
But these moments were proving to be hard to come by, one might even say elusive.
“I wish we could spend more time together,” Kyle told him one night as they were leaving a party, one with a guest list where Max seemed to know just about everyone – and Kyle knew no one.
“We are spending time together,” Max said, taking his hand. “I’m really glad you came tonight. I have more fun with you around.”
Kyle wasn’t sure that was true. It wasn’t that he doubted Max’s sincerity. He had an earnest, guileless way about it that made him hard to doubt. But Max was also distractible, and seemed to have fun with whomever happened to be in front of him at the time. So while he thought that Max believed that what he said was true, Kyle had to wonder if Max would have had an equal amount of fun had he been with someone else.
He wasn’t sure how to explain that to Max, though, without hurting his feelings.
“I was hoping we could have more alone time, that’s all.”
“Well,” said Max, a smile spreading across his face that Kyle was starting to recognize, “that’s why I was going to invite you back to my place again.”
There was a hope in his eyes and a possessive grip to his hand that Kyle found hard to resist. And besides, this was what he wanted, right?
“Yeah, sure,” Kyle agreed. “I’d like that.”
And again, he enjoyed himself. Sex with Max was fun, playful; they relaxed and talked afterward. Max liked to cuddle and to dance his fingers along Kyle’s stomach. And Kyle liked all of that.
But he couldn’t help but feel like something was missing.
Or, when he gave it more thought, he realized it was that things between them weren’t progressing. All these nights out with other people were getting in the way, keeping anything of real depth to develop between them. The late night sex and subsequent rushed morning wasn’t enough. They needed more.
Let’s have a night in, Kyle suggested in an owl to Max, a response to yet another invitation. I want to spend more time just us. I want to get to know you better.
I want to know you better too, Max wrote back, and his note actually included a smiley face, which Kyle couldn’t get but find endearing. And that gave him hope. A night in… it was the predecessor to Kyle’s favorite thing: a whole weekend in. It was, in his opinion, one of the best ways to further a relationship. Not just fun in the dark together, but a lazy breakfast the next day, maybe a walk in the park, some afternoon sex, takeout dinner and a movie, followed by another night in bed… in Kyle’s opinion, it couldn’t get any better than that.
But their tentative plan for a night in fell through when another of Max’s musician friends was having a launch party for his demo at some club, the same night they had made plans, and Max wanted to go. Kyle stared at the note Max had sent him about it, wondering if he had a right to feel annoyed. Max was changing their plans at the last minute, and he couldn’t understand why Max hadn’t remembered this before. His absentmindedness was starting to grate on Kyle a little, but he immediately felt guilty for thinking that. Because no one was perfect, and he knew Max meant well.
Please come with me, Max’s note pleaded. It wouldn’t be the same without you. We can have a night in at my place afterward.
It wouldn’t be the same, but, again, Kyle wasn’t sure he could really explain that to Max. He was having a hard time putting into words what bothered him so much about it. So, deciding to be a good sport, he agreed.
Max kissed him thoroughly when he came to pick Kyle up at his apartment, and then they Apparated to the club together.
“There are going to be some great people here,” Max told him. “You’ll love them.”
They went to the bar immediately for whiskeys and made their way through the room, Max smiling and hugging and kissing everyone who came his way before introducing Kyle to all of them as his boyfriend and telling them that he was a specialist in Charms and “a complete genius.”
Everyone was nice, as all of Max’s friends seemed to be, and there were a number that were genuinely interested in his work. Kyle described his current research and did his best to think of good questions to ask to keep the conversation going. He stayed engaged, he made people laugh, he said things that others seemed to find insightful.
He felt perfectly confident in his own performance; he had no fear that these people were judging him or disliked him. And yes, that was progress.
But he was also exhausted by all of it.
After about an hour they finally made their way towards the tables, where Kyle could sit down and take a sip or two of the drink he’d barely touched. They were joined by a lesbian couple Kyle had met at a party with Max previously, and it was nice to be around people he at least knew somewhat. He’d just been introduced to more people than he’d really ever cared to know in his life, and they were all starting to blur together.
“Having fun?” Max asked in his ear, his tone a little bit flirtatious.
“Yeah,” Kyle said, because he knew that was what he was supposed to say. “Great people, like you said.”
“Told you,” Max replied with a knowing smile.
“I never doubted you,” Kyle said, feeling a small stab of annoyance. “It’s not that. It’s just… I’m more of an introvert, you know. Meeting a lot of new people at once kind of wears me out.”
Max nodded. “Sure,” he said. “We can just sit and talk for a bit, yeah? Wait for the music to start?” He squeezed Kyle’s knee.
“Sure.”
“I’ll get us more drinks first. I feel like a beer. Sound good?”
Kyle gave him a half-shrug of assent. He didn’t really care about having another drink, but Max wanted one. And he really didn’t feel like braving the crowd alongside him to go get him one.
With another squeeze of Kyle’s knee, the blond was gone, and Kyle was left to converse with Meryl and Cleo, who asked him if he had adjusted to life in London yet.
They were joined a few minutes later by another friend of the couple’s, who pulled up his own chair and starting talking to the two women. It put Kyle out of the conversation a little, but he didn’t really mind. He was looking around for Max, wondering what was taking so long.
He finally spotted him. He was by the bar, but not ordering or looking to be waiting for drinks. Instead, he was talking to a couple of other patrons who were in stools next to him, their own drinks already in hand.
Kyle dug his dull nails into his palm, trying to manage the rising frustration and impatience. It seemed like they were never going to get a chance to finish their conversation or spend any real time together. He looked around the room, watching as people were clustered in groups, talking and laughing away, jumping in with each other to try to get a word in edgewise, and it only made Kyle feel more tired. This wasn’t where he wanted to be on a Wednesday night. He had known that going in, but this was only further confirmation.
He looked over at Max again, who appeared to be on his way back over to the table. He had two pints in hand, and it perked him up a little. Maybe they’d get some time together after all.
But then, halfway to the table, Max was waylaid by someone he knew, and as they chatted Kyle watched him, half annoyed, half fascinated by how easygoing Max was, and how easy it was for him to get distracted. He didn’t look at all uncomfortable or in a hurry as he talked and laughed, clearly not trying to make a move to extricate himself.
Kyle heaved a sigh, a heavy resignation coming over him. After all, if Max didn’t want to make the effort to spend time with him, Kyle wasn’t sure why he was making the effort to stick around. The bar was sapping all his energy and all he could think about was his big workload tomorrow.
And, if he were honest, the thought of that didn’t tire him as much as the thought of staying out with Max all night. He’d happily trade working in the lab with Clint than drinking here with these people he barely knew.
Before he could overthink it, he stood up, grabbing his jacket. Cleo noticed this and gave him a friendly wave. He waved back with a small smile and made his way to the door. Maybe it was rude to just leave without saying goodbye to Max, but the guy was busy without him and seemed perfectly happy to be.
“Hey, wait,” he heard someone call as he got closer to the entrance. He turned, and there was Max, beers still in hand. “Where are you going?”
“I’m really tired,” Kyle said. “I have work in the morning.”
“Oh.” He looked down at the drinks in his hand. “I got you a beer, though. And I thought afterward we were going to… you know…” He shrugged, his expression suggestive of exactly what he thought they could do.
Kyle sighed. “It’s doesn’t seem like we’re doing much of anything. You’ve barely talked to me all night.”
Max laughed apologetically. “Yeah. Sorry about that. It’s just, you know. It’s my friend’s thing, and I haven’t seen these people in a while, so…”
“I get that,” Kyle said, and he realized that he did. This was what Max liked. This was his idea of fun. But it wasn’t Kyle’s. Maybe if they were in a more serious relationship, and Max had wanted to take him to big gatherings like this every now and then, it would be different. But this was what Max wanted to do all the time. And Kyle just… didn’t. “I want you to have fun tonight. But I’m not having any fun. I don’t know anyone, and I don’t like getting to know people in a loud bar. I had been hoping for time for us to be together. But even those plans fell through and we’re doing this instead. We should have made plans for a different night, I guess.”
“But I wanted you to come. I wanted you to meet everyone.”
“And I wanted to be with you,” Kyle said honestly. “This thing is just starting out. We need to spend more time together before I can do all of… this.” He gestured around the room.
“I’m sorry,” Max said, and to his credit, he genuinely looked it. “I didn’t realize that.”
“It’s not your fault,” Kyle said. “I think we’re just really different, and we like to do different things.”
“I want to hang out with you. I do like that,” Max insisted. “Look, maybe we could just finish these pints, hang out for another half hour, and then go over to my place, just us. Then we’d have some alone time.”
Kyle shook his head. “No thanks,” he said. “I’m really not up for it.” He swallowed, knowing what else he needed to say. “Look, you’re great. I like spending time with you and I really like you. But this just… isn’t working for me.”
Max’s face fell, and Kyle immediately felt a stab of guilt and remorse. He knew this wasn’t really Max’s fault, and he didn’t want to hurt the guy. But they were very different, and not in ways that were going to be compatible. There was no future here, and Kyle was at the point where he really wanted to find something that could have a future.
“Are you saying what I think you’re saying?” Max asked.
“You mean am I ending this? Yeah,” Kyle said. “It’s nothing you did. We’re just different, that’s all.”
“Two people can be different and still be together,” Max argued.
“I know they can. But this is how you like to have fun. And that’s great for you. But I don’t like this all that much. I’d rather stay in. I’d rather do things just the two of us. And I think, in the end, one of us would just get bored or frustrated.”
“You don’t know that.”
“I do know that,” Kyle said. “Because I’ve been there. I’ve done it already.”
Max looked thoroughly confused, and Kyle realized maybe he really didn’t get it. They’d never gotten to the “past relationship rehash” stage of dating, so Kyle had no way to know what Max’s romantic history was. But if he had to take a guess, he would guess that he hadn’t gone through a really hard breakup before. That was only a guess though, and he could hardly blame Max for something he couldn’t help.
“This just isn’t what I’m looking for,” Kyle said. “I’m sorry, but I just have to be honest. I hope we can still be friends.” It was cliché, but he meant it. Max was fun. Kyle could see himself going out with the guy once a month, meeting new, colorful people along the way. That would work for him. But not a relationship.
“Ok,” Max said, seeming to accept it, but still looking dejected. It was made all the worse by the two flattening beers he still had clutched in his hand. It made Kyle feel that stab of guilt again. “I’m sorry it didn’t work out. I really like you, you know.”
“I know, me too. You’re a good guy, Max. And I’m sorry if I ruined your night. I honestly didn’t mean for it all to go like this.”
“Trust me, me neither,” Max said, looking away and swallowing.
“I should go.”
Max nodded. “Ok.”
“Ok. I’ll see you around hopefully?”
“Yeah, maybe.” From Max’s tone, Kyle suspected that probably wasn’t going to happen.
Oh well.
He left, and as he walked home he thought over everything that had just happened and everything he had just said to Max.
And he realized he was proud of himself. For speaking up, for walking away when it didn’t feel right, and perhaps most of all, for seeing what it was he needed so clearly. It had been a while – too long, probably – since he’d been able to do that.
It was an important step, and, though he’d just had yet another breakup that night, he felt light.
He felt happy.
***
“I’ll count us off, shall I?” Clint asked softly, meeting Kyle’s eyes.
Kyle nodded, huffing out a quick breath. “I’m ready when you are.”
They both held up their wands and looked down at the ball of string between them. “3… 2… 1… and cast,” said Clint calmly, and they began.
It was Kyle’s job to continuously cast the health-monitoring charm on the material while Clint magically unwound the string so that Kyle’s charm could reach every inch of it. Kyle had the harder task, though Clint’s wasn’t easy either. He had to simultaneously rewind the string had been imbued with magic back into a ball, to keep them from getting too tangled up during the casting. It was going to be a delicate process, and Kyle knew he needed his focus. This particular charm had a painful recoil if not handled properly.
The problem was, after the previous night, focus was eluding him. He had a lot on his mind. He knew he had done the right thing, standing up for himself with Max and eventually deciding to end it. Still, he’d had a mild panic attack when he’d gotten back home, questioning whether or not he should have walked away without giving Max a chance to make things right. The guy seemed to really like him, and Kyle knew he shouldn’t take that for granted.
On the other hand, if he wasn’t actually enjoying being around Max, what was the point? Why were the men who liked him often the ones Kyle didn’t like back?
Which only made Kyle think about the man standing right next to him at the moment, murmuring an incantation under his breath, and all that Angelina had relayed to him about that man’s supposed feelings. Was Clint ever going to tell him? Had Angelina been exaggerating? And how did Kyle feel about Clint now that he knew he was gay? Was there any chance that he-
Fire shot through his hand suddenly, making him drop his wand on the table. “Fuck,” he hissed, shaking his hand out. Stupid. He hadn’t been focusing, and this is what he got.
“Steady, steady,” he heard Clint say. “Don’t move it too much.”
“Sorry,” said Kyle sheepishly. “I wasn’t paying attention.”
“It’s all right. Let me have a look.”
“I can probably just cast a cooling charm on it,” Kyle insisted as Clint delicately reached for his hand.
Clint arched a brow at him. “Considering it’s your wand hand that’s injured, I don’t think you should be casting anything. Let me.” He looked over the skin, which had become red and mottled. “You’ve got a bit of a burn there. More than a bit, really. I’d better get the salve.”
“Shit,” Kyle said, hissing again as the hand throbbed hotly. “I’m an idiot.” He sat down in a nearby chair while Clint went over to the cabinets.
“No, you’re not,” he replied matter-of-factly once he’d returned, tin of ointment in hand. He opened it and scooped up a small amount with his fingers. “That is a really difficult charm to cast, and it’s hard to maintain it for as long as you were expected to.” He crouched down and took Kyle’s hand gently in his own again. “This might sting a little, but hold still if you can.”
Kyle clenched his teeth as the salve was applied, but after the initial discomfort the cooling took affect, and he sighed in relief. “I know it’s a hard charm,” he said as Clint turned to get some more salve from the tin. “Which is exactly why I should have made a point of concentrating. I knew I was distracted this morning and I just…” He sighed. “Let it happen.”
“Everything all right?” Clint asked him, looking up briefly before returning his eyes to his task. “Did something happen, or is it just life in general that’s distracting you?”
Kyle chuckled. “My life tends to be pretty distracting, true,” he said, and saw Clint smile. “But I did also break up with the guy I was seeing last night, so that has a lot to do with it.”
Clint paused in his ministrations, but only for a moment. “Oh,” he said. “I’m sorry.”
“No need to be. I mean, it was my decision. It just wasn’t working out, and I didn’t see the point in continuing.”
“Mm,” said Clint, turning Kyle’s hand over so he could apply some salve to his palm. “He just wasn’t the bloke for you, then?”
“Yeah, pretty much. He’s too outgoing for me, I think. Which maybe seems like a weird thing to say. But he always wanted to go out and meet up with other people and… I don’t know. He wanted to party all the time. And that can be fun, if I’m in the right mood, but I also like to just stay in and eat takeout and, like… I don’t know. Just talk. One-on-one, you know? Just, like, chill and not…”
He started to wonder if he was rambling, but Clint met his eyes again, and Kyle saw understanding in them. “That’s not weird,” he said. “I’m the same way.”
Kyle huffed a self-conscious laugh. “Good. I mean… thanks. For saying that.” Clint nodded, his gaze turning down again. Kyle watched him, aware that his heart had started beating a little faster. “I think for a long time I had it in my head that there was a certain type of person I was supposed to like. I thought I ought to date someone more extroverted because then they would make me more extroverted, or something. But I’m starting to realize that there are some aspects of myself that just aren’t going to change. They don’t even have to change, really. That I’m, you know, fine the way I am. Which sounds dumb.”
“No,” Clint said. “It doesn’t.” His eyes were dark and warm, and his hands surprisingly gentle and sure as they worked the salve into Kyle’s skin.
“I’m finally starting to get it into my head that I should look for someone who complements me, who wants the same things I want and who likes to spend their time in the same way I do. Someone who will get it when I say I don’t feel like going out. Someone who is happy to talk to me about anything and who is also a good listener.” Kyle laughed at himself. “Which maybe is hypocritical, because I know I talk a lot and I should be better about being a good listener.”
Clint shook his head, that same small smile on his face. “You’re a good listener. You know when to listen. You just also say what’s on your mind, that’s all.”
“Which gets me in trouble a lot,” Kyle replied, grinning.
Clint’s lips twitched. “Maybe. But at least you’re saying your piece, you know? At least you’re telling the truth. I really… I’ve always admired that about you.”
Kyle stared at him, unsure of what to say. Clint’s eyes were still on their hands.
“It’s something I wish I were better at,” Clint murmured, after a moment. “But I don’t know how to be.”
“Speaking your mind?” Kyle said, before clearing his throat when he realized his voice sounded a bit… rough.
Clint nodded. “I hold back a lot. I don’t want to. Sometimes there are things I really wish I could say. But the words get… stuck in my throat.”
“What kinds of things?” Kyle asked. There was no denying it now. His heart was pounding. “Can you give me an example?”
Clint looked at him once again, his hand stilling. For a moment, Kyle thought there was some understanding passing between them. Although maybe he was imagining it.
Clint licked his lips before starting to chew on the bottom one. “A lot of different things,” he said quietly, finally. “I don’t know… like… things at work. I want to be a good employee. I want people to like me. So I don’t speak up when I’m unhappy about something.”
“Mm,” said Kyle, silently admitting his disappointment to himself. He’d been kind of hoping for a different answer. “I get that. There’s a lot about this job I like. I mean, the actual work. But sometimes the bureaucracy doesn’t make our job any easier, does it?”
Clint huffed a laugh. “True.”
“Rosemary’s not exactly a peach either. Though it’s gotten better with her since I took your advice.”
Clint was smiling enough to show his teeth now. “Glad to be of help. I’ve never had a problem with Rosemary, though. It’s the more the higher ups. Like the people who oversee our department but also oversee a bunch of others and don’t really understand what we need to do our jobs properly. They always prioritize Transfiguration over us, and it makes me…” He sighed. “It’s frustrating.”
“I didn’t realize that. About Transfiguration Development. I mean, I know we share storage with them…”
“Yeah, our storage,” said Clint, his voice taking on an irritated edge that Kyle had never heard from him before. “It’s been this way for almost a year now, since before you got here. That’s why you probably haven’t noticed. But Transfiguration has their own lab and their own storage. But because their department works with so many physical materials, and our department only does sometimes, they put in a request to use our lab’s storage for their overflow. And their request was granted without anyone even asking us how we felt about it. And now we’ve had to put expansion charms on our remaining cabinets to hold everything we need. And the supervisors seem to think that’s just fine, even though what they don’t realize is that expansion charms make the interior of the cabinets huge and you can only get to some tools and materials by summoning them. And not all objects are safe to summon, either because they’re fragile and could break on the way or because they’re dangerous. Like, the last thing we need is sharp objects flying through the air. Who ever heard of someone casting ‘Accioknife’ and that ending well for them?”
Kyle bit his lip to hold back his laughter, though it was pretty much a losing battle. “Good point,” he managed.
Clint’s dark gaze flicked to him, and Kyle was relieved to see some amusement in it. “There are some objects you just don’t summon, as a rule. Everyone knows that.”
“Yeah. That’s definitely true,” said Kyle. “I guess I just hadn’t thought about it before now. I haven’t run into that problem yet, but I also haven’t had nearly as much lab time as you.”
“All of us work around it, and most of the time we seem to do all right,” Clint admitted. “But every now and then it’s an issue… and I guess I just feel it should never be an issue. It’s a workplace accident waiting to happen. That’s what it comes down to for me. We should be given the space we need.” He sighed. “I think about it a lot.”
“And yet you haven’t said anything.”
Clint shrugged. “I like my job. I don’t like to step on anyone’s toes.”
“I understand,” said Kyle. “But if you genuinely think it’s a safety issue, there are official channels to go about filing a complaint.”
The other wizard grimaced. “Even the words ‘filing a complaint’ make my skin crawl. I was raised to take whatever I get and not complain. Ever.”
Kyle had to admit that his curiosity was piqued at that remark, but he also could sense that was a rabbit hole that would only sidetrack them if they followed it.
“What about when it’s for the benefit of others, not just yourself?” he asked. Clint looked at him, and, though he didn’t answer, Kyle could tell he was absorbing that. “I’d offer to just file the complaint on your behalf, but I think it would be stronger coming from you. Since you aren’t someone who complains. Ever. They’ll know it’s serious. And Rosemary could expedite the paperwork for you. You know she’d help you with anything you asked her to.”
“That’s true,” Clint said, still sounding unsure.
“I’ll help you write it, if you want. And I’ll sign it too. Maybe we can get everyone in the department so sign it, like a real petition. Then, you know, you’re not doing it on your own.”
Clint had gone utterly still by now, Kyle’s salve-lathered hand still nestled between both of Clint’s. “You’d do that? Really?”
Kyle shrugged. “Yeah, sure. We could work on it tomorrow, if you want.”
Clint stared at him with what Kyle could only describe as adoration. He couldn’t think of the last time anyone had looked at him like that, and it was making him a bit dizzy. Especially since Clint was still holding his hand.
“I guess the salve’s rubbed in, yeah?” he asked, a bit shakily, breaking the charged silence.
Clint blinked, looking down at their clasped hands. “Almost,” he said, starting to rub again. It had essentially become a hand massage, by that point, not that Kyle was complaining.
He couldn’t help but smile as he watched, feeling tingly and fluttery and strange as their eyes met again and held. It was only for a few seconds, as Clint swallowed and dropped his gaze, his small smile matching Kyle’s. But Kyle couldn’t deny how much it was affecting him.
“All done,” Clint said finally, patting Kyle’s hand. “How does it feel?”
Kyle took a breath and made himself refocus, flexing his hand experimentally. “It feels good. The skin’s a little stiff.”
“That’s normal,” said Clint. “It should be fully healed in a couple of hours.”
“I can still do magic, though, right?” Kyle stood. “I wanted to finish this part of the procedure today.”
“Sure,” said Clint, grinning. “But we’re switching jobs. Let’s not risk burning the hand again.”
Kyle huffed. “I can handle it. I’ll concentrate this time, I promise.”
Clint put a soft hand on Kyle’s forearm, and even that light touch had him shivering. “I’m sure you will. But let’s not risk it, all right?”
He removed his hand not long after, and Kyle missed the contact. So much so that it was essentially second nature when he found himself placing a hand gently on the small of Clint’s back as he followed him back to the lab table.
“All right,” he said, letting the hand linger as long as he dared. “Just this once.”
***
Something had changed between them. It wasn’t something Kyle was sure he could entirely name or put his finger on. There was much in his and Clint’s conversations and in their work together that remained the same. By now that felt old and easy, like a worn pair of jeans.
But there were also small touches, whether to get each other’s attention, provide reassurance, or to give acknowledgement, which had not been there before. There were smiles exchanged, teasing quips volleyed, and pregnant silences in which Kyle became convinced, in the moment anyway, that something big was going to happen.
And he was sure by now that he wanted something big to happen. The more time he spent with Clint, the more he liked him, the more he wanted him. And he honestly couldn’t figure out what was taking so long.
He was dropping plenty of hints; he wasn’t sure it was possible to be more obvious than he was being. He sought Clint out at least once a day, even on days when they didn’t have lab work together. He saved a seat next to him at lunch for Clint whenever possible. He attended pub night every week now, and made a point of having some one-on-one time with the man during the evening, leaving when Clint did so they could walk to the apparition point together, their shoulders brushing every now as they talked animatedly or enjoyed a companionable silence.
“Are you sure he likes me?” Kyle asked Angelina one day, when he really felt like he couldn’t take it anymore.
“Of course I’m sure, you daft prat. Isn’t it obvious?”
“Not to me,” grumbled Kyle, although that wasn’t entirely true. He caught Clint watching him a lot, and he’d started to get it into his head that there was a smile Clint reserved solely for him, shy and elated all at once. There were days when he was sure he could see interest and affection in Clint’s gaze.
But then there were other days, when Clint seemed to avoid him, or cut their conversation short, as if he was in a hurry to get away. Like the most recent pub night, when Kyle had tried to keep Clint lingering at the apparition point, trying to find some way to suggest that maybe they should grab a drink together just them sometime. Clint wasn’t having it though, and had murmured a hasty goodbye, citing that he really needed to be getting home to feed his crup. And then he’d Apparated before Kyle could even reply.
“Ugh, why won’t he just ask me out?” Kyle whined. “I feel like I’m being so obvious.”
Angelina heaved a put-upon sigh, and Kyle could feel a lecture coming. “Clint is shy,” she said. “Which I’ve mentioned about a million times already. Plus, you shouldn’t even need reminding. You know him. And besides which, you’re the one who’s just realized you fancy him, whereas he’s been pining for ages while simultaneously thinking you don’t return the feelings. So really, it ought to be you asking, don’t you think?”
“I’ve tried,” Kyle insisted. When Angelina merely snorted at that, Kyle went on. “I tried just the other night, after we left the pub. He didn’t even give me the chance!”
“You make him nervous when you two are alone like that.”
“But we’re alone at work all the time.”
“That’s different. You have work to focus on.”
“This is ridiculous,” said Kyle.
“Believe me, I’m well aware of that.”
Kyle huffed and leaned back in his chair. It really was getting ridiculous. But maybe Angelina was right. Maybe it should be on him to ask, given everything he put Clint through the last few months. Even if he didn’t realize he was doing it at the time, he still felt bad about it.
“You really think he’ll say yes?”
“I know he’ll say yes,” Angelina replied. “Well, first he might look at you in wide-eyed panic and gape like a fish. But after that, he will definitely say yes. He might stammer a bit and difficult to understand at first. But just be patient with him.”
Kyle felt his resolve solidify. “Yeah, I can do that.”
He stood without further ado and before he could over think it.
He could do this. He could. Just find Clint, make some small talk, and ask him for drinks. Simple as that.
Clint was coming down the hall, grinning widely, just as Kyle was coming the other direction. They paused when they spotted each other, and Clint quickly approached.
“You look happy,” Kyle remarked.
“You were right,” Clint said, brandishing a piece of parchment in Kyle’s direction. “Apparently I should have done this all along.”
Kyle took the parchment and skimmed it, reading enough to gather that it was a response to the petition he and Clint had filed about storage space in their lab. The results, it appeared, were positive.
“We’re getting all our storage back.”
“The Transfiguration department will be out of our hair by next week,” he said, positively elated. “All the space is ours now.”
“That’s great,” said Kyle.
“It is,” Clint agreed. “It’s definitely a victory. I mean, maybe it doesn’t seem like much, or it seems petty, but…”
“It’s awesome, Clint. You should be proud. The benefits of speaking your mind, right?”
Clint looked at him, directing all that happiness upon him in a way that made Kyle feel a bit overwhelmed, though in a good way. A very good way. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen the man exhibit this much emotion openly.
“I couldn’t have done it without you,” he said.
“This calls for a celebration,” Kyle said, realizing this was the perfect segue into the drinks invitation. “Maybe Friday?”
“Yeah, for sure,” said Clint. “Pub night is going to be wild this week. I’ll make sure of it.”
Kyle laughed, albeit a bit nervously. “I actually meant, well… maybe a celebration just the two of us. Maybe drinks somewhere else, that isn’t the Leaky?”
If Angelina hadn’t warned him of what to expect, he might have been worried. Because Clint really did gape at him like a fish. Kyle would have found it funny if he wasn’t so anxious for a response.
“I mean, that’s if you’re up for it. I know you like spending time with everyone on Friday-“
“No,” Clint cut him off quickly. “No, I – I was just surprised, that’s all. But yes. I mean, yeah. Yeah. Of course.”
“Great,” Kyle answered. “Then it’s a date. I’ll pick somewhere nice. Maybe Muggle, so we can just be… alone.”
Clint gaped at him some more. “A date?” he asked breathlessly.
“Yeah,” Kyle said. “That’s what I’m hoping. I mean, if that’s ok…”
“Yeah,” Clint said, his face practically splitting in half as he smiled. “Brilliant.”
All right, this is officially the most emotion I’ve ever seen Clint express, Kyle corrected in his own thoughts, with no small amount of satisfaction.
“Brilliant,” he agreed. “I’ll, um, let you know the details.”
“Cool, great. Yeah.”
“Great.”
They stood there a moment, grinning, and blushing, and fidgeting.
“Well, I should get back to my office I guess,” Kyle said finally.
“Oh yeah, me too. I was just… I was just on my way over to you, to show you the letter about the lab space. But now I’ve shown you, so…” Clint rubbed the back of his neck.
“So back to the old grind,” Kyle said.
“Yeah, um, that.”
Kyle turned away, before he felt any more ridiculously awkward or found Clint any more ridiculously cute. He was well aware that as he made his way down the hallway he was feeling more and more elated, a grin breaking over his face that no one could see and an increasingly weird desire to dance his way back to his office.
When he returned, Angelina looked up, staring at his face for a moment. She must have read his emotions pretty accurately though, because she leaned back in her chair with a cry of victory and her fists in the air.
“I knew it!” she said. “Didn’t I tell you?”
“You told me,” Kyle said.
“Tell me everything. What did you say? What did he say?”
Kyle shrugged. “I just asked him for drinks Friday. He looked shocked. Then he said yes. And he said ‘brilliant,’ which I take it to mean he’s happy.”
“Yes, I dare say he is,” Angelina agreed. “But do you really have to do it Friday? What about pub night?”
“This is instead of pub night,” said Kyle. “Just this once.”
“You could do it Saturday instead.”
“No,” Kyle argued. “Because then on Friday at the Leaky we’ll just be sitting around awkwardly waiting for the next night and our date. And it will be weird. And I don’t want to wait anymore. I just want to see if this could be something before I go absolutely stark raving mad.”
She scowled, but said, “All right. Fair enough. But you have to tell me everything afterwards.”
“I imagine we both will.”
Angelina squealed then, bouncing in her chair. “This is wonderful, really. My two favorite gay boys, together at last.”
Kyle rolled his eyes, but he was aware that he was also smiling. “We’re not together yet.”
“But you will be,” said Angelina. “I know it.”
Kyle went back to his desk and sat down, trying to remember what it was he was actually supposed to be working on. He couldn’t for the life of him remember.
“Merlin, I wish it was Friday,” he said out loud. “I’m not going to be able to concentrate on anything all week.”
“Not that you were concentrating much before,” his office mate pointed out. “Let’s face it, you and Clint have been rather fixated for a few weeks now. Maybe once you finally shag you’ll actually become functional employees again.”
Kyle tossed a balled up piece of parchment at her in retaliation, though only have-heartedly. In truth, he knew she was right.
He just needed this date to go well. It was hard to trust anything this good coming along in his life. It was so easy to see how it could all fall apart. But he was ready for something good, something better than good.
Worthwhile risks, Draco had talked about to him once. He might be out of his comfort zone, but he had a feeling it was going to be worth it.
***
Kyle arrived at the bar early, mostly out of nerves and anticipation, but also because he wanted to make sure and scope out a table. He hoped to have one waiting for Clint when he arrived. Fortunately, the bar wasn’t too busy for a Friday night, and he was able to find one, a small, cozy one in the back with a wrap-around booth. It meant they could sit side by side without it feeling too weird or contrived, and that was exactly what he wanted.
You’re overthinking this, he accused himself, before deciding that no, he actually wasn’t. He was putting thought into how he wanted this night to go, and Clint deserved that. He just wanted it to be an enjoyable experience for both of them, and he wanted it to bring them closer.
Much closer, if he was honest with himself. He’d decided, just in case, to give his apartment a good cleaning, put fresh sheets on his bed, and make sure the fridge was stocked with every breakfast item Clint could possibly want.
You know, just in case. He didn’t have any specific expectations, but he certainly had hopes. You never knew, after all.
He tossed his coat onto the seat to reserve his table, bringing his wallet with him to the bar. The other thing he had to be sure and do was make sure he had enough Muggle money on hand to cover them for the evening. He fully planned to buy every drink, and wasn’t going to let Clint argue otherwise, even if the man rolled in with a wallet fat with Muggle notes. He ordered himself an old fashioned and leaned against the bar, waiting for it to be filled.
There was a guy a few seats away from him, giving him an interested eye, and when their gazes caught Kyle gave him a polite nod before quickly turning away. He didn’t think Clint would appreciate walking in on Kyle getting hit on by someone else.
Or at least, he really hoped Clint wouldn’t appreciate that. Otherwise he'd misread this whole situation.
Luckily, Clint walked through the door only a minute later, before Kyle had even been served his drink. He smiled when he spotted Kyle, and Kyle smiled back. Clint made his way up, hands in his pockets and shoulders hunched slightly in a way that telegraphed the man’s nerves. Kyle felt his stomach flip, glad he wasn’t the only one.
“Hey,” Clint said, when he was within talking distance.
“Hey, glad you found it all right,” Kyle said. On instinct he reached out and put a hand on Clint’s lower back to encourage him closer. He was still wearing his coat, but even through all that fabric Kyle could feel defined muscle, and his mouth went dry.
The bartender put Kyle’s drink in front of him, and Kyle was relieved to have something else to focus on. It wasn’t a great idea to start having lusty thoughts before the night had even really begun.
“What would you like?” he asked Clint as the bartender waited in front of them, eyebrows raised in a silent question.
“What are you drinking?”
“An old fashioned. Do you want to try it?”
Clint nodded and took a sip. “It’s good. I’ll have that.”
The bartender nodded and set to work, and Clint leaned in close to Kyle, murmuring, “I don’t know a lot of Muggle drinks. I was at a bit of a loss.”
“Oh, I’m sorry, I should have thought of that,” Kyle replied. He was used to no-maj bars and the drinks that came along with them. Some of his favorite places to go out in Toronto were no-maj. It hadn’t occurred to him that Clint might feel out of his element.
“No, it’s no problem,” Clint said. “I like trying new things. I just didn’t want to look like an idiot in front of the bartender.”
“Or break the statute of secrecy,” Kyle said, closing the distance between them even more so he could keep his voice low, and so his breath could brush along Clint’s ear. Definitely that too.
Clint grinned, turning his head just so, their faces barely inches apart. “Exactly.”
Kyle bit his lip. Well, if this was how the night started, he was happy to see where it was going to go.
The bartender gave Clint his drink, smirking at the two of them as they jumped apart a bit at being interrupted. Kyle paid, throwing in a little extra as a tip, then grabbed his drink.
“I got us a table in the back,” he told his date, and, since he suspected Clint didn’t have a problem with touch, he took the man’s hand to lead him that way. He saw Clint duck his head, likely hiding another grin, and he had to fight one of his own.
Clint removed his coat as well, showing off his broad shoulders in the dark, tight button down he wore. They settled in, side by side as Kyle had hoped, and Kyle decided to ask Clint about work, what with it being the topic the man was most comfortable with.
Clint told him about his day, and Kyle told him about his, and then Clint asked him about how he had gotten so passionate about Charms, and what other subjects had he loved in school. Kyle was glad for that. It was new territory for them, their school days, and he hoped it would lead to them getting to know each other better.
“I really liked Transfiguration too,” he said. “But I wasn’t as good at it. There’s something about imbuing an object with magic that’s easier than changing the structure of it.”
“I agree,” Clint said. “Transfiguration always seemed to harsh, so forceful. It uses up a lot of magic. Dead useful, obviously. But harder.”
“But also less versatile,” said Kyle. “That’s what I loved about Charms, once I got into more advanced levels, getting to experiment. And that’s when I realized it’s what I wanted to do as a profession.”
Clint nodded. “It was similar for me. I love lab work. I actually considered Potions for a bit, for the same reason. But I didn’t love being hunched over a cauldron all day, and I didn’t love Herbology.”
“I just never felt like I got to use magic enough when I did Potions,” Kyle said. “All that cutting and stirring… it felt like cooking, and I’m not the world’s best cook.”
“I could teach you a few things,” Clint said, eyes twinkling. “If you were interested.”
“You cook?”
“Pretty frequently. Especially on the weekends. Don’t get me wrong, after a hard day at the Ministry sometimes all I want is some takeaway curry and a beer, but on the weekends I like to go all out.”
“I’d definitely like to see that,” said Kyle, smiling. “I’d like to eat what you make, at least. Can’t promise I’ll be all that helpful in the preparation process.”
“I bet you have more skill than you think you do. You tend to underestimate yourself, you know.”
“Do I?" Kyle asked, feeling a bit shy as he stared into his drink. “Maybe that’s true. I just never want to overstate my skills to people. Because then they wind up disappointed. I know what I’m good at. I tend to stick to that.”
“And what would you say you’re good at?” Clint asked.
Kyle felt himself blush. “I don’t know. Charms. That’s pretty much it.”
Clint laughed. “You see, I know that’s not true.”
Kyle shrugged. “Mm, maybe.”
“Always so modest.”
“Please, you’re one to talk,” Kyle said, giving the other man a nudge with his arm. “Every time you accomplish something amazing you just shrug and smile and go, ‘hey, it’s not that big of a deal.’”
Clint took a sip of his drink. “Yeah. I guess I do.”
Kyle grinned in triumph, but also in affection. At first he had thought the way Clint downplayed his own accomplishments was him taking his good fortune for granted. Now Kyle understood just how hard the man worked, and how much he saw hard work as just a part of life. Kyle hoped he could convince him to celebrate the rewards too. He took Clint’s hand on the table, the one that wasn’t clutching his drink, running his fingers lightly over his knobbly knuckles, which had gone a bit dry and ashy from the cold.
“Just one of the many things we have in common, I guess,” he said.
Clint turned his hand over, so that their palms could rest together. “I guess so,” he murmured, his eyes on their hands.
“What are you thinking about right now?” Kyle asked him.
Clint let a small smile flit across his face, his eyes still downcast. “Mostly that I can’t believe I’m here.”
“In a Muggle bar?”
“With you.” He looked up at Kyle then, taking his hand in earnest at the same time, so their fingers intertwined. “Like this. I honestly never thought it would happen.”
“Why not?”
“I didn’t think you liked me.”
Kyle’s smile fell, and he gave Clint’s hand a squeeze of reassurance. “Well, in case it hasn’t escaped your notice, I can be a bit of an ass sometimes. I wasn’t… in the best place when I got to London, as I’m sure you know, given that I was basically advertising it everywhere I went.” He snorted at the memory, both of how heartbroken and confused he was, but also at how much time he spent thinking about it and talking about it. His poor coworkers. His poor sister.
“Hey, that didn’t bother me, you know,” Clint said, reacting to Kyle’s suddenly furrowed brow. “It wasn’t about that. I could tell things were hard for you. But you handled them really well.”
Kyle rolled his eyes. “It’s sweet of you to say that, but I know I wasn’t at my best.”
“Bad things happen to everyone,” Clint said, his tone firming. “And when they do, a person can’t be at their best. That’s just… part of the deal, I think. It’s the fact that you got through it, the fact that you chose to make your life better and move on… that’s the victory. Not everybody can do that.”
Kyle watched Clint as he spoke, realizing that what he wanted, more than anything, was to know what bad things had happened to him too. He could tell that the man was speaking from experience, and he wanted to know what that experience was.
Kyle wanted to know everything. The good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful. All of it.
“Maybe you’re right,” he said. “Because I do think – no, I know– that I wouldn’t be here right now without all the choices I’ve made. And I’m really, really glad I’m here. With you.”
They stared at each other warmly for a moment before Clint returned his attention to his glass, spinning it against the table with his fingers. “Can I ask…?” he began.
“You can ask me anything,” Kyle said.
Clint’s smile widened. “I’m trying to figure out what I want to ask, exactly. I’m worried it’s going to come out… I don’t know… really needy or something. Like I need validation.”
“You can ask me anything,” Kyle repeated. “I won’t judge, I promise.”
“I guess I was just wondering… why you asked me out. Why now? Why me?”
“Why you is easy. I like you. I have for a while. I thought I was being pretty obvious about it.”
“Well it wasn’t obvious to me. I had pretty much resigned myself to the fact that we would be friends and that was it. I was glad to have that, even, since you were finally warming to me. It didn’t occur to me, or… I don’t know. I didn’t want to let myself believe it was possible.”
Kyle found himself lifting their clasped hands and bringing Clint’s knuckles to his mouth. He didn’t kiss them so much as let them rest there, the slightly rough skin tickling his sensitive lips.
“Why not? Why wouldn't you let yourself believe it?” he asked quietly. “It’s ok, you can tell me," he added, sensing the other man's hesitation.
Clint sighed, closing his eyes. “Because I wanted it so much,” he said finally. “I wanted you so much.”
Kyle closed his eyes too and kissed Clint’s hand for real, letting the starkness and beauty of that simple statement wash over him. When he opened his eyes again, Clint was staring at him, his eyes clouded but full of warmth.
“Wanted?” Kyle said against Clint’s hand. “Past tense?”
“Want,” Clint corrected. “Very much present tense.”
“That’s just as hard for me to wrap my head around as it was for you to believe I had asked you out,” Kyle admitted. “I don’t really understand. I mean, I’m trying to be better about believing that I’m… likeable and… you know, desirable, but…”
Clint shook his head. “That’s the thing that’s always confused me the most about you. How you could doubt yourself so much.”
“You doubt yourself just as much,” Kyle said, not unkindly. “To not think… to not realize how much and how fast I had fallen for you, once I finally got my head out of my ass and could see things clearly.” Clint let out a shaky breath, and Kyle plowed on. “You asked why now as well. It happened now because I finally realized – with Angelina’s help, I’ll grant you – that you might never do it, because it took us a while to get to know each other, to become friends.” Kyle was fully aware that this was mostly his fault, which he fully intended to apologize for later. But for now… “I really wanted you to ask me out. I kept hoping you would. But now I get it. You didn’t have reason to think that my feelings had changed. But they did. I just want… to be with you, and see where it will go. I hope that’s what you want too.”
“It’s all I could ever ask for,” Clint said.
“I want you to feel like you can ask for anything,” Kyle said. “This isn’t a one-sided thing. This is us, together, figuring out what we want. Together.”
Clint nodded. “All right,” he said, his voice a rasp.
Kyle smiled, kissing Clint’s hand one more time before putting both of theirs back on the table. “Can you guess what the turning point was for me?” he asked, hoping to lighten the mood a bit. He was all for Serious Relationship Talks, but this was their first date, and he also wanted to make sure Clint had some fun, felt at ease.
“The turning point…?”
“When I realized just how much I liked you. How much I was attracted to you. There was a moment, and I’m wondering if you can guess when it was.”
Clint appeared to be thinking hard, and Kyle watched him, considering how adorable he looked when he wore that little pensive frown.
“Was it a moment… when we were working together?” he asked.
“Yes,” Kyle confirmed. “In the lab.”
“We spent a lot of time in the lab,” Clint pointed out, but he was grinning, that shy grin Kyle sometimes suspected was reserved just for him.
“Yeah. But this moment was particularly… pivotal. At least for me. Something happened, and you helped me.”
“The burn,” Clint said instantly. “On your hand.”
“Yep,” Kyle said, pleased it hadn’t taken that many hints. “And I told you that I broke up with Max, and talked about what I realized I was looking for in a relationship. And you just understood. It was like you were already on the same page with me, like you’d always understood. That was when I first realized there could be something more between us, that I wanted there to be. The fact that it felt so good to have you hold my hand, well, that was just a bonus.” Kyle was a little self-conscious admitting this, but he knew instinctively that Clint would love it, appreciate hearing it.
Clint let out a pleased chuckle, and Kyle knew he had been right. “That was also the day you offered to help me with the petition. As if it was possible for me to fall more-“ He cut himself off, clearing his throat. “For me to become even more mad about you, I mean.”
Kyle felt his stomach flip at the almost-confession, and he had to do a little bit of breathing to get his heart rate under control again. He wasn’t frightened of hearing the L word, if Clint really wanted to say it. But he wasn’t going to push either. Their feelings might be heading fast in that direction, but it didn’t necessarily mean they were ready to say it, and that was ok.
“So, an important day for both of us.”
“Do you want to know what was the turning point for me? The moment I realized how I felt?”
Clint’s voice came out a bit shaky, clearly nervous, but Kyle simply squeezed his hand tightly and said, “Yeah. I really want to know.”
“That first staff meeting. I think you were a week on the job, and we’d been introduced already, of course. But I’d barely gotten a chance to talk with you. All I remember is that I thought you were fit, but you seemed a bit shy and unsure around everyone.”
“I was,” said Kyle. “I don’t always do well with first impressions. It takes me a while to get comfortable around new people.”
“I’m the same way,” Clint said. “And I figured you’d warm up to all of us eventually. I wasn’t too worried about that. I was just curious about you. And then we had that meeting, where you were officially introduced and Rosemary gave that presentation about lab procedures, which she said we all needed to be reminded of, and since you were new, we may as well do it all at once.”
“I remember,” Kyle said. It wasn’t his finest hour, probably, mostly because it was when he made an enemy of his supervisor. “I mouthed off about it, from what I can recall.”
“No, I wouldn’t describe it like that,” said Clint, ever the generous one. “You were honest. You asked a lot of questions, questions I either had wanted to ask before or had never thought to ask, about why things were the way they were, and wouldn’t it be easier if… etcetera, and I remember thinking that you were going to be good for this department, because we’re so set in our ways and… I don’t know British wizards have a tendency to do things the way they’ve always done them, without questioning why. And suddenly there you were, to shake things up. I could tell everyone was really happy about it.”
“Except Rosemary, of course.”
“She’s come around, more than you realize,” Clint said, mouth twitching. “She just doesn’t like to admit it.”
“Well, I’ll take what I can get from her,” Kyle said, before realizing they had veered off topic, a topic Kyle was very interested in. “So that was what made you like me, the fact that I questioned everything?”
Clint shrugged. “Maybe it seems weird to describe it that, but in a sense, yeah. The more you talked, the more interesting I thought you were. You don’t think like everyone else. And then at the end of the meeting we asked you about your work before you came to us, and the projects you mentioned… It’s like I said, all those months ago, when we were leaving the pub. You’re doing the kind of work that really changes things, and I couldn’t help but feel inspired by that.”
Kyle didn’t know what to say. It was all so incredibly earnest, and sweet, and… pure – he really didn’t have another word for it; that’s just what it was.
“The nail in my coffin was a few days later, when you off-handedly mentioned an ex-boyfriend back in Toronto. That gave me confirmation that you liked men. And then I knew I was doomed.” He sighed, and Kyle almost thought he caught some self-deprecation in the sound.
“Why was that the nail in the coffin? Because you knew you might stand a chance with me?”
“I wasn’t sure I’d ever stand a chance with you, per se, but… well, have you ever developed a crush on a straight bloke?”
“A fair few,” Kyle admitted. “Never ends well.”
“Exactly. I made that mistake once, my last year of Hogwarts. That was one time too many.”
“Yeah.”
“So, if it turned out you were straight, I wouldn’t have seen the point. I would have found a way to get over you. But you weren’t, so I just kept… fantasizing.” He grinned like he had a secret, and Kyle couldn’t help what question came out of his mouth next.
“What kind of fantasies?”
Clint shook his head, biting his lip. “Nope. Not telling.”
“Aw, come on,” Kyle teased, nudging him. “I’ll tell you mine if you tell me yours.”
Clint looked at him a moment, almost like he was considering it. “I’ll tell you eventually,” he said. “Maybe.”
“I can be patient,” Kyle said. He was all for anything that even indirectly implied more dates in the future. “I’ll get it out of you eventually.”
“I imagine you will,” Clint said resignedly, but not at all unhappily. “I don’t imagine I can resist you in anything for long.”
Kyle snorted, thinking about that, about all that Clint had just told him about when his feelings began. “All this time,” he said. “I wish I had known. Why didn’t you ask me out when I first got to London?”
“I’m a bloody coward, I suppose,” Clint said.
“No,” Kyle answered immediately. “Don’t say that. I know it’s not true.”
“I’m not very brave,” Clint said. “I’m not saying it to be modest. I’m just saying it’s not one of my strengths. I like to think things through before I do them. Some might call me an over-thinker, and those people would be right.”
“I think it depends on you definition of bravery,” said Kyle. “You take a lot of risks in your work. You played Quidditch, which I think is fucking terrifying, if you want to know the truth.”
Clint shrugged. “That’s different.”
“I don’t think it is. I think we’re all brave about some things and cowards about some things. And which is which depends on who we are and what we’re most afraid of.”
Clint didn’t argue with that, nor agree either. He was quiet, staring into his drink again in thought. “I wanted to. Merlin, I wanted to ask you out. I thought about it. But then there was that pub night, early on, when Hannah mentioned her breakup, and you responded by mentioning yours, and how rough it had been. Your voice shook, you know, when you talked about Evan. I could see how much he had hurt you. And it was so new. The breakup, I mean. It had ended so recently. So I told myself that you wouldn’t be emotionally available anyway, and I let myself off the hook. I told myself that I would ask you out eventually, once you’d had more time to get over your ex, once we’d had more time together to get to know each other. But I was having a hard time getting to know you. You didn’t seem to like me as much as you liked Angelina or Hannah.”
“Because I’m an ass, remember?”
Clint shook his head. “No. I think it was because you made me so nervous, I could only talk to you about work. It was the only thing I could ever think of talking about, the only thing that felt comfortable. So I drummed up any excuse to talk to you, but never about things that would help us get to know each other.” He shook his head. “The really mad thing is, I knew that’s what I was doing. I just couldn’t seem to stop. And then you went and got involved with Malfoy, and I figured I had missed my chance.”
“Didn’t last long, though,” Kyle pointed out.
“Felt like an eternity,” Clint said. “But I knew it was my own bloody fault. Angelina kept telling me I should say something, and I kept telling her that I was just waiting for the right time, which was a lie. Like I said, I was just scared.”
“I get it,” Kyle said. “I totally get why you would be scared.”
“You seemed to really like Malfoy,” Clint went on, still on a roll. “And then, when you two broke up, you seemed even more upset than you had been. So even though I was selfishly glad it was over between you, I felt sad for you, and I didn’t see the point in trying to swoop in and ask you out. You didn’t seem to want any kind of relationship at that point.”
“I didn’t,” Kyle said. “Because the breakup was painful, obviously, but, more importantly, it brought up everything I had been avoiding dealing with before, about how things ended with Evan. I had a lot of shit to sort through, to tell you the truth.”
“I knew that. It was plain to see. So I decided to give you time again. I just hoped that maybe… maybe once you cleared your head a bit, you might see… And well, we were getting to know each other a bit better by then. We were becoming friends.”
“Yes, we were.”
“So I had hoped that you might think of us as more, eventually, if you had some time. But then… you went and got another boyfriend. While I was out of town, no less.”
Kyle huffed, half in amusement and half in empathetic frustration for what Clint must have been feeling in that moment. “I don’t think he counts as a boyfriend. We only went out a handful of times.”
“You spent the night at his place,” Clint said, his voice carefully neutral. “You slept with him.”
Kyle chewed on his lip. “I’m sorry.”
Clint sighed, shaking his head. “Don’t be sorry. You have nothing to be sorry for. You didn’t do anything wrong, dating that… whatever his name was.”
“Max. And I… I know that. I mean, I know that. But… I guess I’m just sorry that I didn’t see it before, you and me. And that I talked so openly about it. And I’m sorry for bringing it up now. I don’t… I mean obviously we’ve known each other for a while, and even though this is a first date, it’s also more than that, because we were friends first. But I don’t want to talk about things like this if they’re going to make you sad. We can talk about it later. We have all the time we want to talk about stuff like this.”
“I don’t mind,” Clint said. “Honestly. It’s kind of a relief. To get it all out in the open. To say everything I’ve been wanting to say.”
“You did mention that’s hard for you sometimes.”
“Yes. I did. And it’s true.”
They were silent for a moment, and Kyle realized that he had taken their conversation off the rails somewhat, when Clint was finally being so forthright and open.
“So what you’re saying, essentially,” he said, to get them back on track, “is that the timing was never right. I was always either fresh off of dating someone and fairly devastated about it, or I was dating someone new. So, in a way, it’s my fault as much as yours, really.”
Clint laughed and Kyle grinned, glad that he understood the attempt to make light of the whole situation, in the hopes that they could move forward.
“I wouldn’t go that far,” Clint said. “Let’s not forget that after you ended things with Max, you were single. And very much not upset about it, which you flat out told me.”
“I might have been trying to give you a hint, actually,” Kyle pointed out.
“Which I didn’t notice, in my general obliviousness,” Clint said. “And also due to the fact that, as I mentioned before, I’d become resigned to the idea that we would just be friends. Not that I didn’t like being friends with you, of course-“
“No, I know that.”
“I had accepted it, for the most part.”
“Ah well,” Kyle said, stretching with faux nonchalance so that his arm was draped around Clint. “Now I’ve gone and ruined everything. Your neat little plan you had to just be friends. I’d say I’m sorry, but I’m not.”
“I’m glad,” Clint said, leaning back so that their skin brushed. “I’m definitely not sorry.”
“Good.”
One of Clint’s hands came to rest lightly just above Kyle’s knee, in a way that made Kyle pleasantly realize just how big those hands were. He shivered and scooted closer. They were practically on top of each other, but neither seemed to mind at all.
“Tell me about Ilvermorny,” Clint said, after another short and companionable silence, in which they sipped their drinks, looked around the bar, and gave each other light, soothing touches wherever they could reach. “I’ve always been curious about it.”
Kyle was happy with the change of topic, and told Clint all he could think of that might be interesting. He gave him a brief history and how the houses got their names, how the sorting ritual went, and what his own house had been like.
“I was Pukwudgie,” he said. “Which was predictable. Lins was in Horned Serpent, of course, just like our dad. And my mom was in Wampus.”
“Weird names.”
“Yes, because Hufflepuff and Slytherin are such normal house names.”
“Which one do you think I would be sorted, if I’d gone to Ilvermorny?”
“Well, you were Ravenclaw at Hogwarts, right? So probably Horned Serpent. Although you would have fit in well in Pukwudgie too.”
“With you,” his said, his face breaking into another smile.
Kyle grinned back at him, and he realized his face was going to be hurting by the end of the night if that kept up. “With me. You’ve been doing all that work with Healing charms lately, and it’s said that Pukwudgie favors Healers.”
“Perfect place for you, then,” Clint said, and Kyle shrugged him off.
In truth, he had felt like he’d been sorted into the right house when he was back at school. Pukwudgies were caring people. Despite his challenges, his insecurities, his struggles with his sexuality, he’d felt at home there. He’d made some good friends, friends he still saw when he could, though moving across the Atlantic had made that more difficult.
“I wonder if you would have been in Ravenclaw with me,” Clint said.
“Maybe,” Kyle said. “I could see that. Though Hufflepuff is a strong contender as well.”
Clint laughed. “I have to admit, that’s true.”
“You’re not going to make fun, now are you?” Kyle asked, mostly joking. “I hear that little thread of disdain in your voice.”
“No, not at all,” Clint replied, and it was obvious he had to work to keep a straight face.
Kyle elbowed him playfully. “You know, I think the other houses should be nicer to Hufflepuff. All the Hufflepuffs I’ve met since I’ve been here have always been the most warm and welcoming of anyone. And yet it seems like they always got the shit end of the stick when they were in school, at least the way Hannah tells it.”
“Yeah, I’ll grant you that,” said Clint. “It’s just that all the nicest people ended up in Hufflepuff, so there was no one left outside of that house to be kind to them.”
Kyle shook his head. “I don’t believe that for a second.”
“In truth, I had a lot of friends in that house. They were good people. And when it came to the war, they were brave too.”
“Everyone had to be a little bit brave, didn’t they?”
“Yes. I suppose, in some ways, we didn’t have a choice.”
Kyle almost asked where Clint had been during the height of the war. He rarely heard any of his coworkers mention it. But that was a topic for another time, for a time when Clint felt safe, when he was ready. Too much for a first date.
It was just difficult, because when he was with Clint he hardly felt self-conscious at all. It was like he could say or ask anything. And there was so much he wanted to say, and so much he wanted to know.
We have so much time, he reminded himself. For now, he would find out if Clint wanted a refill, as their glasses were now empty.
“Another drink?” he asked his date. “We can have more old fashioneds, or we can try something different, if you want to expand your Muggle drinks repertoire.”
“Sure, what do you recommend?”
“Well, I was thinking vodka tonics, which are a little lighter and less sweet. Or we could get martinis. I’m not much for gin, so I would get mine with vodka. But I could get you a gin one, if you want.”
“Get whatever you like,” Clint said, shifting in his seat. “Surprise me.”
“All right.” It was then that Kyle realized that Clint was pulling out a wallet, and he stopped the movement gently with his hand. “What do you think you’re doing?”
“You got the last round,” Clint said. “This one’s on me.”
“No, it’s not. Drinks are on me tonight. I invited you, remember?”
Clint shrugged. “Doesn’t have to be that way. We can share things down the middle. I don’t mind.”
“It’s a date,” Kyle said. “And I want to treat you.”
“And I want to thank you for everything you’ve done for me. This is a celebration of our successful petition, right? Which couldn’t have happened without you.”
“Or you.”
“I deliberately went and got me some Muggle money, just for this reason,” Clint continued to argue, holding up a couple of five pound notes. “What else am I going to do with them?”
He looked at Kyle with wide pleading eyes, and Kyle felt something unnameable and intense fill him, almost to bursting. He wasn’t sure he could bear the amount of affection that had overtaken him. It wasn’t simply lust or desire, it was something more pure than that, and it made him want.
Without thinking, he leaned forward, pressing his lips gently against Clint’s. The other man let out a surprised gasp, and Kyle pulled away before the kiss had really got going, a little shocked at himself. He wasn’t usually so forward, and, as much as he knew Clint liked him, he knew that might not have been good timing.
“I’m sorry, if you’re not ready for-“
But he was cut off as Clint gripped him around the back of the neck, using just enough force to bring their mouths together again. This kiss was not nearly so gentle or tentative, but there was still a tenderness in it that only intensified the growing warmth in his chest, and also made something else tug lower, at his navel, a burning ache that felt good and painful all at once.
Clint had dropped his wallet on the table in order to bring Kyle closer, and Kyle now had full access to him, even twisted towards each other in the booth as they were. He put a hand on Clint’s chest, feeling a thrill go through him at the solid muscle he found there. Clint’s mouth explored him, a tentative tongue coming out to swipe at his. Kyle opened his mouth to let him in the further, and thought he kiss deepened it was still slow and sweet, like they were discovering, taking their time.
Kyle’s head was fuzzy when Clint finally pulled away, lips now glistening and swollen and delicious looking. It took him a moment, with the two of them simply staring, smiling, panting at each other, to figure out what it was he wanted to ask.
“You still up for another drink?”
“You going to let me pay?” Clint countered, his voice rough, but also wry.
“I was actually thinking…” Kyle began, before hesitating. Would this be too forward? Was he reading this wrong? “I have plenty to drink back at my place. So we could just go there. That is, if you want. I understand if it’s not-“
“Yes,” Clint said quickly, breathily. “Let’s do that.”
Kyle felt his face split into a grin. “Great.”
Clint smiled back. “Great.”
Kyle leaned in and kissed him once more, for good measure. He kept this one slow and sweet, trying to convey the promise of much more than just one night together. He knew now, more than ever, that he wanted this to be something that lasted.
They left the bar hand in hand, walking down the street in silence that was more anticipatory than it was awkward. Kyle couldn’t help but flash back to all the other times they’d walked to an apparition point together, side by side. Yet all those times it had been almost-touching, both trying to think of something to say. The quiet between them felt so different now, with Clint’s large, warm hand wrapped around his own.
“I’ll Apparate us,” Kyle said when they turned into the alley, pulling Clint to him. “If that’s ok with you.”
Clint nodded, his arms tightening and bringing them even closer together, chest to chest. Kyle was momentarily distracted by that, how solid the other man felt against him, how well they fit together.
Clint leaned in and kissed Kyle under his ear, and it reminding Kyle where they were supposed to be going, and what they would probably do when they got there.
“Right,” he said with a shaky laugh. He took out his wand. “Here we go.”
He spun them on the spot, and they gripped each other close, even once they’d landed in Kyle’s kitchen. They took a breath, orienting themselves, before Kyle lifted his hand and looked into Clint’s face. Clint was already watching him, his eyes hungry as they traced Kyle’s features.
Kyle squeezed his hip, his hand having somehow found its way underneath Clint’s coat. He hesitantly pulled away, starting to remove his own coat and hoping Clint would take it as permission to do the same.
“Well, this is it,” he said, gesturing around. “It’s not much, but…”
“It’s nice,” Clint said. “I like your art.”
Kyle laughed. “Thanks.” He hardly had anything hung on the walls, just a few prints that he’d picked up over the years. “Feel free to make yourself comfortable.” He indicated the sofa over in the living room. “Do you know what you’d like to drink? I have beer, wine, firewhiskey… or just tea or butterbeer if you don’t want anything strong.”
Clint glanced at the sofa for a moment before looking back at Kyle, who was now standing by his kitchen island, waiting for a response.
“To be honest with you,” Clint said, his eyes unblinking, “I’m not all that… thirsty.”
Kyle swallowed and licked his lips. “Honestly… me neither,” he said.
Clint walked towards him, tossing the coat he had removed onto one of Kyle’s kitchen chairs. Kyle watched him approach, his eyes never leaving the other man for a second. He moved with a grace and swagger born of a lifetime of athletics, of awareness of his own body and what he could do with it, and it made Kyle’s breath come short.
“I’m assuming you have something else in mind, then?” Kyle said, already knowing the answer. “Something else you want?”
Clint was right up on him now. They were close enough to breathe the same air. Clint’s eyes fell to Kyle’s mouth, and a hand reached up to cup Kyle’s chin before drifting, dragging a few fingers along his jaw. Kyle let out a breath through his nose, feeling his heart going suddenly fast. That touch, the slow, deliberate gesture, was doing things to him he hadn’t expected, and the increasing need he saw blooming in Clint’s chocolate eyes was only feeding the burn kindling itself in his gut.
“Yes,” Clint answered hoarsely, finally. “I see everything I want.”
Kyle’s hand reached up automatically, at first running down the center of Clint’s broad chest before gripping into his shirt. It was enough to bring Clint forward those last inches, and their mouths met.
It started slow, exploratory, but it got heated fast, with the way they were already opening their mouths to taste with their tongues, the way their hands clung greedily to each other’s clothes, all the buildup of sitting so close at the bar, of those small touches, of those quiet confessions.
They were backing up, Clint pushing and Kyle pulling, mouths still entwined, until Kyle felt the dull dig of his island countertop against his tailbone. In one swift motion, before he could even think about it, he was lifted, effortlessly, so he was sitting on the edge. It made him laugh and gasp simultaneously; laugh, because he’d done a lot of thinking about what it would be like to have that strength be able to pick him up and toss him around a bit; gasp, because it turned out reality was even hotter than fantasy. His legs wrapped naturally around Clint’s waist and he could feel, though they were both fully clothed, their growing hardness meeting each other through the fabric.
“Fully clothed” was definitely a problem that needed to be solved, and Clint appeared to already be getting to work. He’d undone most of the buttons of Kyle’s shirt already, hands running over bare skin before the task was even finished. Kyle wanted his share of skin too, and started on Clint’s buttons, fingers fumbling in their eagerness.
He discovered not long after that he was, at least for the moment, going to be disappointed, as he encountered the barrier of a white t-shirt under the button-down. Still, the fabric was thin, and after he’d undone the last button and put his hands on that chest (and the pounding heart underneath), he could feel all that muscle easily, and the light roughness of some chest hair in the center. And it only drove his anticipation higher.
“Everything all right?” Clint asked him breathlessly, and Kyle realized they had stopped kissing. “Is this too fast for you?”
Kyle was touched by the question. He’d been asked it before, by other men, but always with the sense that they really wanted him to answer in the negative, that they might even be a little peeved if he wanted to stop. He didn’t get any of that urgency from Clint, only a slight crinkling of his brow as he looked at Kyle.
He must have taken Kyle’s pausing to admire as a moment of hesitation, though it was far from that. Nothing had felt more right to him than this. He’d never been more sure of anything.
“Not at all,” Kyle said. “Is this going too fast for you?”
Clint grinned. “Not even remotely,” he said. “Gods, Kyle. I’ve thought about this so much. I’ve been thinking about it for so long. I’m… I’m ready. So ready. I just don’t want to push you. We have all the time in the world.”
“Yeah, we do,” Kyle agreed. “And this is what I want, tonight. I’m ready too.”
Clint kissed him, hard, and it made Kyle smile into the kiss.
“So is this one of your fantasies?” he teased. “Having me propped up on a countertop while we make out.”
Clint’s laugh was deep and throaty, and absolutely dead sexy. “Definitely. One of many.”
Kyle nipped at his bottom lip. “So what happens next? In your fantasy?”
“It varies,” Clint said, his tone flitting between suggestive and amused. “Sometimes you’re already naked, and I go down on you until you’re ready for me.”
“Fuck,” Kyle replied, his cock twitching painfully.
“And then, when you’re nice and open for me, I take you right here.” He kissed Kyle’s jaw, then went down to is throat. “And you love it, and it makes you come on my cock.”
Kyle moaned shamelessly, wanting Clint to know just how much he liked that idea.
“But tonight, for our first time,” Clint said, pulling away, looking into his eyes. “I think I want the bedroom version.”
“What’s the bedroom version?”
“You, on your bed, completely bare and spread for me. Your cock on my tongue. You coming, crying my name.”
Kyle hummed his approval, but the picture didn’t feel complete to him. “And how do you come, then?”
“Well, there are a lot of options,” Clint replied, and he definitely sounded amused now. “I have a feeling it’s not going to be a problem.”
Kyle laughed, and Clint’s arms tightened around him or a moment, lifting him carefully so that he could make his way back to the floor. There was so much control in the movement, and Kyle realized he’d never felt more secure before in someone else’s arms.
He had absolute faith: in Clint, in their first night together, and in all the days and nights after. He had faith that, as they went on, it would only get better and better.
He took the other man’s hand and led him through the living room, making his way towards the bedroom. He was all for the “bedroom version” of this particular fantasy.
Clint, no surprise, was true to his word. Once they made it into the bedroom, he encouraged Kyle to lie down, having already removed his shirt completely and tossed it to the floor. He then proceeded to remove Kyle’s clothing item by item, staring with his shoes and socks before running his hands up jean clad thighs towards Kyle’s fly. He undid the button and the zipper with a careful yet shaky fingers, his eyes fully focused on his task.
Is this something he thought about too? Kyle wondered. How many times has he imagined getting me naked? How detailed were his fantasies?
Clint tugged on Kyle’s relatively tight jeans, and his boxers came naturally with them, baring his half hard cock to the bedroom air. Clint kept pulling, his eyes locked on that sight. It made Kyle’s erection start to fill more, that gaze, and he arched towards Clint subconsciously, trying to invite him closer.
“Touch me,” Kyle said, urging him on, since the other man was still staring. “Please.”
Clint gripped Kyle’s hip, able to wrap almost fully around it, and Kyle arched again.
“Please.”
But he only received a soft squeeze to his thigh before Clint pulled away.
“You’re killing me,” Kyle said, though he couldn’t help a smile. If this was going to be torturous, it was a kind of torture he could live with.
“This first,” Clint said before starting to undress. “I want to feel you skin to skin for the first time.”
Kyle could hardly argue, as that sounded incredible, and he’d been curious about seeing Clint completely exposed for a while by that point. So he let the other man remove his clothes without complaint, starting with his t-shirt and followed by his thick leather belt.
He was as muscled as Kyle always imagined, but it was more than that, things he’d never thought to imagine. His stomach was not perfectly flat but rather had a small pooch that Kyle found incredibly endearing. There was a hint of love handles above his hips that Kyle was already itching to grab. Clint pulled down his pants and his thick thighs were revealed, still defined from years riding a broom, and Kyle swallowed thickly.
Then Clint pulled down his black boxer briefs, and Kyle was suddenly looking at one of the biggest cocks he’d ever seen.
His insides clenched and his hole pulsed with a sudden emptiness. He’d never considered himself a size queen by any stretch; he’d enjoyed getting fucked by various shapes and sizes and thought there were merits to all. But the massive erection Clint was sporting suited him perfectly, and reminded Kyle just how long it had been since he’d enjoyed that particular sexual act. And he wanted it.
“Come here,” he said, spreading himself out, just as Clint had described earlier. It was as clear an invitation as he could give, and Clint seemed happy to oblige. He came closer, climbing up on the bed so he was kneeling between Kyle’s spread legs. “You’re gorgeous, you know,” Kyle told him.
Clint breathed out slowly, his hand coming back to that place on Kyle’s hip, a place he seemed to like quite a bit. “So are you,” he murmured. “You have no idea.” He gripped tighter, and it anchored him as he lowered himself over Kyle, lining up their bodies nearly perfectly.
“Gods,” Kyle breathed, as every inch of his skin that brushed along Clint’s sang with happiness. “You were right. You were so right.”
“Right about what?” Clint asked, his mouth going to Kyle’s neck.
But Kyle didn’t know how to explain it, because he’d never felt like this before, just having someone else’s bare body against his. It was like a key going into a lock, a final piece slipping into place. It was like coming home.
He felt simultaneously like he could stay this way forever, like this could be enough, on its own, and yet also like he was craving more. More touch, more closeness, enough that they just blended together into one being.
“I want you inside me tonight,” he whispered.
Clint pulled his head up to look at him, his surprise evident.
“Can we… can we do that?” Kyle went on, when Clint only stared at him. “Would that be ok?”
“Yes,” Clint answered after another moment of hesitation. “Yes, of course.”
“You seem unsure,” Kyle said. “We don’t have to-“
“It’s not that,” the other man was quick to explain. “It’s just that… this is so much like something I’ve dreamed up before that I… Maybe it sounds ridiculous, but it’s almost hard for me to believe this is real. That this is really happening.”
Kyle smiled brightly, unable to help it. He was so full of affection and warmth that he couldn’t contain it. He lifted his head enough to give Clint a tender kiss.
“It’s real,” he said. “Trust me, it’s real.”
Kyle kissed him again, and he deepened it in return, delving his tongue in. Kyle moaned his approval and rutted against him, to remind him of what he wanted.
Clint chuckled at his eagerness. “I have to get you ready first. And I plan on being very thorough.”
“Mmm, good. It has been a while, I’ll admit.”
That made Clint pause again. “I thought you… with Max. With Malfoy.”
“I didn’t,” Kyle replied, shaking his head. “We did… we never… I never did that with either of them.” He wasn’t particularly interested in getting into the details of what he had done in the past. He wanted to focus on the here and now. “And I’m glad. I’m so glad. Because I want that with you. Just you.”
“Merlin,” Clint breathed, and kissed Kyle even more fiercely.
His hands were everywhere, suddenly, running down Kyle’s sides, massaging his thighs, gripping his ass. His mouth descended to Kyle’s neck, then collarbone, then chest, the fierce want of his lips and tongue never wavering for a moment.
He spent quite a bit of time worshipping Kyle’s nipples, until they were alert and tender and Kyle was begging, “Please, please,” and pushing on Clint’s shoulders to encourage the continued descent. If he didn’t get some attention on his cock soon, Kyle was sure he would go insane.
Clint followed Kyle’s silent instructions, but he kept up the stimulation with his hands, flicking and tweaking both nipples between his thumbs and forefingers as he laved at the indent of Kyle’s navel. Kyle sighed happily in reply. He’d always loved a man who could multitask.
Then Clint was kissing around his hips, and Kyle felt his hardness bumping up against the man’s neck.
“Please,” he begged again, because that seemed to be all he was capable of saying at the moment.
Clint’s mouth left him at that, but only momentarily, only for enough time to wonder what Clint was doing and to open his eyes to find out. But then he looked down and caught a glimpse of the way Clint was hungrily eyeing his cock, and he didn’t even have time to beg again before that hot, wet mouth went around him. He moaned, closing his eyes so he could enjoy the sensation. Clint was taking his time, not taking him in too fast, but it was still so good, exactly what he wanted. He had to work hard not to buck against that pleasure, letting Clint be the guide. His cock was longer than average too, and he hardly wanted to choke the man.
Clint took in just a bit more of Kyle with each bobbing of his head, slowly enveloping him in warmth and pleasure, and Kyle decided to just lay back and enjoy it. The rhythm was slow, almost leisurely, and Kyle didn’t think he was in danger of coming. He relaxed further into the mattress, letting go of his desperation, giving Clint little moans and sighs to let him now how much Kyle was enjoying it.
The whisper of a spell made him open his eyes, and the sudden feel of cool wetness at his entrance made him look down. Clint’s hands had left his chest and were now lingering between his cheeks. Kyle opened his legs wider when he felt the nudging of a finger at his hole.
It was perfect; Clint had relaxed him enough that one of those thick fingers slid into him easily, he clenched around it, not to drive him out, but to enjoy the sensation. But then he relaxed again, knowing that stretching was the most important thing to be doing right now. If he was really going to take Clint’s cock, he was going to have to take a few more fingers first.
He groaned at the second finger, already feeling the burn. It really had been a while, and Clint’s hands were as big as the rest of him. It wasn’t a bad sensation, though. He associated it already in his mind with a prelude to pleasure.
Clint’s mouth popped off of his cock so he could ask, “This all right?”
Their eyes met across Kyle’s heaving torso, and Kyle nodded vigorously. “It’s good. So good. It’s exactly what I want.”
Clint nodded back, beginning to scissor his fingers and increase the burn. His mouth didn’t go back around Kyle’s erection again, but rather started teasing it with his lips and tongue. Kyle had the urge to whine at first, wanting those wonderful sensations again. But he soon realized what Clint was doing. He was keeping him from coming too soon, instead stoking the fire so he would want to take more and more of Clint inside him. The burn was already dissipating, giving way to familiar fullness and the sharp pleasure of the occasional brush to his prostate, and he knew he was ready for a third finger.
“More,” he said hoarsely. “I’m ready.”
Still, the third finger was a lot, and he had to breathe through it, focusing on relaxing once more. Clint lavished more direct pleasure to his cock, swirling his tongue around the head and sucking on it. It kept Kyle’s erection from waning and distracted him from the stretch as he adjusted, and Kyle took a moment, in the tiny part of his mind that wasn’t focused on the physical, to appreciate how thoughtful Clint was, in this as he was in everything. Kyle took a moment to recognize how lucky he was, that he had found this man, that this man wanted him so much.
That this man loved him. It hadn’t been explicitly said yet, but Kyle found he already knew. He had no doubts, no insecurities. He was already so sure.
He reached down and gently cradled the side of Clint’s head, his short, kinky hair springy against his palm. Clint looked up at him, slowing in his ministrations, his blown-wide pupils shining in the lamplight.
They stared at each other, many things passing between them at once, before Kyle spoke. “I’m ready for you. I want you.”
His hole was clenching happily around Clint’s fingers now, all discomfort gone, and he knew it was time. Clint seemed to trust him implicitly, because he immediately began to pull his fingers out, though he went slowly, carefully. His other hand, also lubed, came to give Kyle’s erection a few strokes, which made Kyle hum contentedly. He felt empty now, but he knew that would be remedied soon, and then some.
Clint came up to kiss him again, sliding his body along Kyle’s in the same way they had begun, reminding Kyle just how good it felt to be close to him. And that was what he wanted, more than anything, more than an orgasm. He just wanted to be as close as possible.
Clint kissed him hungrily for a good minute as he simultaneously and somewhat messily lubed up his own cock. Kyle kissed him back with the same fervor, making sure to stay open and ready for him, legs wrapping lazily around his calves.
“This good?” Clint asked as he tilted Kyle into position. “Like this?”
“Yeah,” Kyle answered, arching and urging. “Just like this.”
The blunt head of Clint’s erection was lingering against him now, and he pushed forward, cautiously, dipping inside. Kyle let out a breath, pushing against him and then pulling him further inward.
“Gods,” he said, unable to help it. Clint was only few inches in, and it was already a lot.
“All right?”
Kyle clenched, relaxed, breathed, and answered. “Yeah. Keep going.”
Progress was slow, but neither minded. Clint’s moans were shaky in a way that told Kyle how much pleasure he was already receiving from the tightness, and Kyle was enjoying the stretch, the occasional bump against his sweet spot.
And, most of all, he was enjoying Clint’s reactions, at the reverence in his eyes. He leaned down and gave Kyle a tender kiss before pushing forward again, slowly, so slowly.
The moan Kyle let out then was wanton, bordering on obscene. His prostate was receiving more direct stimulation now, just from the other man’s presence inside him, and his erection was at a painful hardness.
“More,” he begged. “Gods. More.”
Clint pushed again, feeling Kyle’s body giving way to him, and he was finally able to bottom out inside him. They lay that way, neither moving, neither speaking. To be like this seemed like enough, like plenty, for the moment. Clint was breathing heavily in his ear, occasionally applying a wet kiss to the hollow of his throat.
Kyle felt himself loosening, adjusting, and he nearly told Clint that it was time, that he could handle a good thrust. But he held back, letting himself simply enjoy this feeling, the fullness, the connection.
After a minute, or perhaps an eternity, Clint began to move. It was the smallest of thrusts, like a rock forward, and Kyle met him there, already panting. Clint continued in this vein, his thrusts minute but still so deep, making the pleasure build inside Kyle bit by bit.
For some unfathomable time they rocked together, slowly, moaning, kissing, discovering each other with their hands. Kyle felt no imminent orgasm, but the pleasure was incredible, because it was in every fiber of him, in all the places Clint was touching him, in all the places his heated gazes and lazy kisses landed. There were no words now, but they didn’t need them; they felt each other; they knew each other.
Gradually, though, the heat began to build, and, with that, a need for release. It came on so slowly that Kyle almost didn’t notice. One moment he was content to rock this way forever, and the next he found himself pulling Clint closer, meeting him harder, chasing pleasure. Clint read this immediately, pulling out more to allow a harder thrust, and Kyle grunted and groaned, encouraging him.
“Like that,” he said, breaking their previously wordless lovemaking. “Gods, fuck. Like that.”
Clint thrust harder, faster, and Kyle bore up against it, gripping the man anywhere he could reach. His prostate was now a tender, overworked nub, and he knew he couldn’t last much longer.
“I’m going to come, love,” Clint whispered hoarsely, as if reading Kyle’s mind. “I want to touch you.”
“Yes, yes, yes,” was all Kyle could say as Clint made enough space between them to reach in and take hold of Kyle’s cock. He missed the hot skin pressed against him, but the sweet, tugging pleasure of Clint’s fist was enough of a distraction that he didn’t miss it for long. “So close!” he cried as Clint managed to keep thrusting hard as he jacked him. “Perfect. You’re perfect.”
A choked groan burst from the larger wizard as Kyle felt his insides flood with cum. Seeing and hearing Clint in the throes of climax – as well as the large calloused hand still working him – was enough to bring him over the edge, and he came hard, splattering each of their stomachs with white. The stripes were stark and beautiful against Clint’s dark skin, and Kyle had a few seconds to admire it as Clint continued to thrusts, his speed waning bit by bit. Finally, though, the man collapsed, gluing them together.
It was quite a weight he was bearing, but Kyle found he didn’t mind it at all. He was content to be smothered, to feel’s Clint’s pounding heart and the expansion of his chest as he breathed. He felt sheltered, protected.
He felt safe.
He managed to lift a tired arm and run a hand down Clint’s back, which was slick from his exertions. The hand climbed up the man’s spine, over the back of his neck, to rest gently in Clint’s hair. The curls nestled his fingers invitingly, and he stroked a few times, feeling Clint settle even more against him.
“Merlin,” Clint said, his voice muffled. “That was even better than I dreamed it would be.”
Kyle grinned at the ceiling. “For me too,” he answered.
Clint pulled away, enough that Kyle’s breathing was no longer restricted, and looked down at him. “Yeah?”
“Yeah.” Kyle nuzzled Clint’s nose with his, and he received a peck on the lips in return. “We should do that all the time.”
“Yes, we should,” Clint said, beaming. He slid sideways, keeping one arm draped across Kyle’s stomach. They were sticky with cum, but neither seemed in a hurry to clean up.
“Of course, I also want to get a chance to suck your cock,” Kyle replied. “It looks delicious.”
Clint chuckled. “Give me half an hour.”
Kyle laughed too, deciding not to take that too seriously. He was already sleepy, and he could see Clint’s eyelids drooping as well.
“Or when we wake up tomorrow,” Kyle offered. “I love morning sex.”
Clint hummed. “Good to know.” He reached over to the nightstand for his wand, finally, and cast cleaning charms on both of them. Then he settled Kyle against him, pulling the covers over both of them.
They didn’t speak for a while. Kyle was happy with his head in the crook of Clint’s neck and his fingers playing in the dark curls on Clint’s chest. He liked this about them, he realized, that they could be quiet together, that they didn’t feel pressed to always fill the silence. It was peaceful.
“We have to decide how much we’re going to tell Angelina,” Clint said after a few more minutes. His tone was amused, and Kyle lifted his head to look at him.
“So I’m not the only one she was planning to pump for information.”
“Apparently not. She’s eager for both sides.”
“Well, I like to think our sides of the story match up. We had a great date, talked about our feelings – and lots of other things besides – and then came back to my place for incredible sex.”
Clint smiled. “Yeah, sounds about right.”
“And in the morning I made you breakfast, and then we showered together,” Kyle went on, watching as Clint’s smile widened. “And we realized we were so crazy about each other that we wanted to spend the whole weekend together.”
Clint’s eyes flicked to him, shiny with hope. “Yeah?”
“Sounds right to me,” said Kyle with a small shrug. “If it sounds right to you.”
“It does. It sounds perfect.”
“Angelina is going to be very happy for us.”
“She’s going to be insufferable, trust me,” Clint said drily. “We’ll be drowning in ‘I told you so’ for the next month, guaranteed. She’ll be unbearably smug about it all.”
Kyle considered that. “Then we’ll have to be insufferable right back, I guess,” he said.
“What do you mean?”
“We’ll be the cutest couple she’s ever had to put up with. We’ll make eyes at each other constantly at work, snuggle and make out during pub night, and have a million personal jokes that no one else understands. We’ll irritate everyone around us and then let them know that Angelina is to be blame for getting us together in the first place. We’ll see how smug she is then.”
“She’ll want to absolutely murder us.”
“Yeah. But she loves us too, so she won’t actually.”
Clint rolled over, covering Kyle’s body again, still grinning. “The cutest couple ever?”
“That’s the plan.”
“The perfect revenge,” Clint said before meeting Kyle’s mouth with his.
Kyle hummed, deepening the kiss, holding Clint tightly against him. “Yeah. Perfect.”
goddess-of_dragons: I know I responded to you on AO3 already, but I want to here as well, since you were kind enough to review when others didn't! I always like multi-POV stories and I was very glad to get to do Harry's side for the extras. I'm glad you're liking it! I hope you find this one interesting too, even though it's an OC <3
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Extra Credit: ASE Oneshot Collection