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Learning Life Over	By : Meander Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Draco Views: 69712 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

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Chapter 31- A Dark Night of the Soul, Interrupted

�� Harry paced
wildly back and forth across his room. Every time he thought he could calm
down, slow down, his mind would hold up in front of his eyes, solemn as an old
portrait, the image of Draco lying with his left arm curled at an unnatural
angle.

�� I did that. How could I do that? It was
rough, violent, inhumane. That came from my not controlling myself.

�� And if
Draco and Theresa could be believed, ultimately even that was rooted in his need to serve the Ministry, his
self-corruption, his self-neglect.

�� Harry
halted and ran a hand through his hair. He panted as if he�d been running five
miles. His throat stung as if he�d run those miles in winter air.

�� I�m the one who did cause all the trouble.
And the very things that I thought would keep me in check are the things
driving me towards violence now. Can�t I do anything right but catch Dark
wizards?

�� The
half-hysteria he felt now was familiar, whenever something- obstructions in the
Ministry, someone else�s personal ambition, complaints from his partners- prevented
him from working a case as he�d wanted. His breathing sped up until he was
nearly hyperventilating, and his hands opened and closed and opened again as if
he were tossing up and then catching his wand.

�� But
usually, he worked himself into a frenzy and then flung himself into the next
case they had given him, so that he
could at least make productive use of the excess energy. That wasn�t going to
happen here, not when Draco would keep him from working even if Harry broke his
other arm, and not when Harry had acknowledged that his work addiction was the
source of the problem.

�� So what can I do?

�� Stop panicking, his conscience promptly
snapped back. Think. Instead of falling
into fear and deciding that you can�t do anything right, decide what is the
best thing to do. You have to pursue one path. Which will it be?

�� Harry
caught his breath and held it, then slowly let it out, second by second, even
though his heart fluttered again and again in his chest and his blood pounded
through his temples with the same frenetic pace. He forced himself to think,
and discard options that wouldn�t work: sneaking away from the Manor to go back
to the Ministry, ignoring Draco, finding a case and working on it on the sly.

�� Finally,
when he�d pared down his other options, he was left with only one, one that
made him quiver and sigh and decide.

�� To do what Draco and Theresa want me to do.
To remain here, to try to shed the traces of my addiction, and to do my best to
think of myself as worth something outside my work.

�� The more he
thought about it, the more Harry could appreciate the finer points of that
strategy. For one thing, what would
have happened if the strain on his emotions had increased, and then he�d met a
situation where he couldn�t work at all due to an injury or due to the Ministry
assigning a spate of cases to other people? He could have lost his temper and
his control of his magic, and he wouldn�t have been able to stop after breaking
just one person�s arm.

�� Draco is right.

�� The thought
came creeping into his head with reluctance, because Draco Malfoy was not, as
Harry usually understood the term, a good person. He cared about Harry, but
that seemed personal and idiosyncratic. He wouldn�t save another person because
that person needed saving; he would only do it if he cared. And though he might
love his mother, too, he�d showed precious little sign of caring about anyone other than Harry.

�� He asked me if I could think of myself as
the person to be rescued. And him, too?

�� Harry
blinked, and lifted his head. Well, why not? He did know that he couldn�t fall in love with the kind of person he
had once believed Draco Malfoy to be, no matter how healed he became. And if- compassion-
changed him, mightn�t it change Draco? When Harry was recovered and ready to go
back to the Ministry, perhaps Draco would agree to it, because Harry could
soften his attitude in the meantime, and show him how much he�d truly
recovered.

�� If this is going to change me, it�ll change
him at the same time. Narcissa said he hasn�t done anything like this for any
of his other lovers. He�s already different as he relates to me. That will make
it less terrible for me to be different as I relate to him.

�� For the
first time since Draco had first abducted him, Harry began to consider that his
imprisonment here was not so terrible a thing. Perhaps he could even look
forward to what lay at the end of it, rather than seeing it as something to get
through.

�� And love?

�� Harry shook
his head impatiently. It was Draco who felt love, or claimed he did; Harry
didn�t know if that had been true or a lie Draco invented in the spur of the
moment in order to steer Harry back into his clutches. He would focus on
getting better first and falling in love later, if it happened at all.

�� Trippy
abruptly appeared in front of him, wringing her hands. Harry leaned forward.
�Has something happened to Draco, Trippy?�

�� No, Master
Draco is resting fine,� the house-elf squeaked, while her eyes filled with
tears. �But there is a visitor at the wards to see M-Master Harry. And Master
Draco said Trippy is to be obeying Master Harry, too, and the visitor y-yelled
at Trippy, and- � She ducked her head, tugging at her ears.

�� Harry
sighed. Well. I hardly expected the
Ministry to ignore me forever when I vanished right after agreeing that I�d
return to work. �Take me to the visitor, Trippy, �he said, doing his best
to make his voice both powerful and soothing. �I�ll talk with him.�

*

�� The visitor
turned out not to be a �him� at all, but Amelia Bones, who was cleaning her
glasses as she waited for him. Harry knew she did that when she wanted to look
intimidating. He paused at the door that opened onto the strip of grass where
she stood, unsure if he should approach until she was done.

�� Amelia
glanced up, saw him, and stiffened her spine briefly before she cleared her
throat and put her glasses back on her nose. �Mr. Potter,� she said evenly.

�� Harry
waited, but she said nothing more than that. Harry wondered what she wanted. An
apology? An explanation? He�d expected an interrogation, and not receiving that
was unnerving him.

�� At last,
Amelia sighed and folded her arms. �Mr. Potter,� she said, as if talking to a
child, �you know that you are the best Auror we have. The Department cannot
spare you for a long period of time. And now I hear confused stories from those
who saw you bring in the criminal: that you are Malfoy�s- lover, that you
aren�t, that you have been in a coma all this time and this is someone
currently Polyjuiced as you. I would like an explanation, Mr. Potter, and then
I would like you to return to work.�

�� Harry
wished briefly that Draco was there. It would have been easier to resist the
temptation if he were.

�� And then
Harry remembered the reason that Draco wasn�t there, which he was
responsible for, and told himself he ought to be able to stand up to temptation
now. What did any vows or promises matter, if he shattered the first time
someone tested him? That was what had happened so far when he ran away from
Theresa and when he went back to the Ministry. He deserved a period of time
alone, a true risk, to find out if he really had the mettle to keep pursuing
this course, or had to borrow it from other people.

�� Sorry,
Madam Bones,� he said, as evenly as he could. �But I�m taking a- holiday from
my Auror duties for the moment.�

�� Amelia�s
eyes narrowed, but then she tipped her head so that the light glinting off her
lenses made it impossible to see her expression at all. �Define the reasons
why, Mr. Potter.�

�� Harry winced
and took a deep breath. He hated the half-scolding tone she used. It had always
been the one that made him comply most readily. If he believed he�d done
something wrong, why wouldn�t he attempt to make up for it? And the atonement
would include coming in and working hard at the Ministry, right now.

�� You can
get through this.

�� Malfoy
believes that I�ve worked myself nearly to death,� he said. If he could use
plain facts, he would find it easier than if he had to delve into the
complicated emotional tangle he and Draco had set up. �He wants me to have some
time to myself. He showed me records that made me agree with him. I�m taking
longer and longer to catch criminals, getting less and less sleep, and slipping
when it comes to discovering secrets and solving cases. I do plan to return to
the Ministry when I�m sure that I�ve recovered from this- this collapse, Madam
Bones. But Malfoy is attempting to keep me from all contact with my job until
I�ve healed completely. Coming back today was a mistake.�

�� Amelia just
stared at him throughout his recitation, which made Harry feel all the stranger
and more wrong for making it. By the end, his face was thoroughly flushed. He
bowed his head and kept his eyes on the ground.

�� You can�t
leave just like that, Harry,� Amelia said at last. �We needed notice. And- well,
we haven�t seen a difference in your performances, to be honest. You�re still
faster and more suited to the investigations we send you on than most Aurors we
have. You seem to have had a change of heart, and I don�t know why. You are our
most dedicated field worker.�

�� Harry
winced. God, everything seemed to be pulling him backward, towards his job. How
could he let people go unhelped whom he could help? He had a set of unique
skills that no one else did. It was less about people valuing him for what he
could do, though that was the reason he�d given Draco, and more about the fact
that having the power to aid others and not using it was one of the truest
definitions of evil Harry knew.

�� But, on the
other hand, if he had let the matter go, and then injured other people later
because he refused to do the sensible thing-

�� Wasn�t that
evil, too?

�� According
to Malfoy, my decline has been gradual,� said Harry, meeting his superior�s
gaze as evenly as he could. �He kept records, but it�s hard to see without
them. And I do care about the job and the people involved, I promise. I
fully intend to return. Yet if my hold on my emotions continues to decline, and
one day my wandless magic escapes my control and injures others, isn�t that a
bad thing?�

�� Amelia�s
eyebrows rose. �And Malfoy has uncovered evidence that such a thing might
happen?�

�� It�s
happened again and again since I�ve been here,� Harry confirmed. �Since the- the
Weasley Massacre, I�ve buried my grief, but it doesn�t take much to stir it up,
I�ve found. I�ve probably been lucky to encounter no case so far that reminds
me of it too strongly. But it could happen, and then my magic will escape my
control, and I could easily be guilty of murder.�

�� Amelia stood
there, considering, for some time. When she spoke again, her tone was
reluctant. �You certainly deserve some holidays, Potter. You�ve never taken any
of the ones you could have. But- well, to be frank,� and she leaned nearer and
lowered her voice, �the Moly case isn�t the only one we could use your help on,
right now. There�s a barrage of them hitting the Ministry all at once, and
Skeeter�s got her eye on us, just watching for a slip. She�s already
written a few articles berating poor Wormwood for taking too long and being
incompetent. We could work out a compromise. Spend part of your days at Malfoy
Manor and part of your days in the office. Just for the next few weeks, until
this latest load of cases is off our backs.�

�� Harry
closed his eyes. Well, now, that was an even worse temptation than the rest.

�� And he
might have accepted it, if he could have trusted himself to hold back and only
spend part of the day working. But he knew he�d be thinking about the details
of the cases even when he was at the Manor, even when he tried to sleep or
relax or enjoy himself. It was impossible for him to escape from work if he
went back now.

�� He might
not like what Draco�d had to say about his addiction to work, but it
made good sense.

�� Madam,� he
sad at last, looking at her, �I�m sure that my co-workers are competent, too.�

�� Of course
they are,� said Amelia stiffly, as if he�d offended her.

�� Competent
enough to do without me for a few weeks,� said Harry firmly. �They can
solve cases. They don�t have to depend on me. Perhaps this will be good
for them, even.� He gave her a smile that he didn�t really feel; instead, his
stomach was churning sickly as he thought of what might happen to the victims
involved if he refused to help. �They�ll get a chance to exercise capabilities
that might have atrophied.�

�� You�re refusing?�
Amelia looked astonished now, as if she had never considered that he might do
that.

�� Harry
nodded. �You don�t need me that much,� he said, with more confidence than he
possessed. �You only think you do. And I suppose my name is helpful in keeping
Skeeter�s attention distracted and the Ministry from noticing any shortage of work
being done. But- every case we receive is important. Every day, we�re under
public scrutiny. Every few weeks, we have a barrage of cases like this. If I go
back, then even more politically important cases could show up in a few days�
time.�

�� You should
know that persistent refusal to help could get you sacked, Potter,� Amelia
said.

�� Harry�s
heart galloped with panic, the way it did when he contemplated being injured in
a raid and having to live the rest of his life behind a desk, if he stayed in
the Ministry at all. He was nothing without his job, without being able to help-

�� And then he
reined himself in, and reminded himself that wasn�t true. He did have one
person who valued him outside the job. And he truly didn�t believe that
everyone else in the Ministry was as incompetent as Amelia was portraying them.
What had happened was that they�d become too used to depending on him, just as
he�d become too used to depending on his job.

�� Then I
suppose I�ll be sacked,� he said, and turned, and walked back into the Manor.
He knew he couldn�t continue the confrontation without cracking.

�� Trippy shut
the door behind him with a triumphant bang. Harry held up his hand in front of
him and watched it shake with an almost academic interest.

�� It
worked. It worked. I can do this. I�ve started.

*

�� Draco
slowly lowered his wand. The wards had let him know that an intruder was there,
of course, and he�d immediately enchanted one of the windows that usually
showed an imaginary vision of a perfect summer�s day to show him the wards
instead. He�d been expecting a visitor from the Ministry, and would interfere
if he had to.

�� Instead,
he�d watched Harry handle Madam Bones with more grace than Draco had thought he
possessed, and courage he never knew was in him.

�� Draco
leaned slowly back against his pillows, and feigned sleep, in case Harry
checked on him. His heart was beating fast, though, with a peculiar mixture of
pleasure and hope.

�� He can
do this. I wasn�t wrong to start this after all, not when it�s turning out so
well.

********

�� YamiBakura:
At least at the moment, it�s not likely that Harry will discover Draco�s trick,
since Draco�s injury has �healed.�

�� Soria: No,
I�ve never broken a bone (a fact for which I�m duly grateful). The symptoms of
broken elbow pain, as always, come from intense reading of thousands of books.
The ideas accumulate. The best description I�ve ever read of a broken elbow
comes from Orwell�s 1984, though.

�� Angelina:
Well, Draco really wanted to make a point to Harry, thus the crude language.

�� Arealdeal:
Well! That�s interesting. I�m glad the story is helping in that particular
respect.

�� Satu: Keep
an eye on the fact that Draco�s tricking Harry and also not intending to tell
him about seeking revenge against the Dursleys. This comes back to bite him on
the arse (now that I actually have some semblance of a larger plot for this
thing, other than �Harry gets healed.�)

�� SLQ: This
chapter gives an answer on the long-term, I hope.
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Learning Life Over