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Lost and Damned	By : danniperson Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Snape Views: 24087 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, the characters or the world or anything, and I make absolutely no profit from this.

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LOST AND DAMNED

Gracefully I Land in Her Arms

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Harry resisted the urge to run straight into Number 12 Grimmauld Place and instead kept a close pace alongside Dumbledore as the two Apparated right in front of the old home. They crept in quietly, hoping to avoid alerting Mrs. Black to their presence…The last thing they needed was that old bat's portrait waking up the entire house. It was all for the best…Harry honestly did not feel like being surrounded by people right now. He was honestly more eager to crawl into bed and get some sleep, hoping to wake up in a much better mood. At least he was away from the Dursleys now. Dumbledore had come to rescue him, taking him away early to bring him to Grimmauld Place to spend the rest of the summer with Sirius and Hermione and the Weasleys, only making a pit stop beforehand for Harry to help Dumbledore recruit an old colleague to take up his old position at Hogwarts, Horace Slughorn.

"Ah, I see the kitchen light is on, Harry," Dumbledore said, walking ahead with Harry trailing a few feet behind, his stomach sinking. Hopefully he could get this over with soon. Dumbledore walked into the kitchen where Mrs. Weasley was busily cooking something or other while Sirius leaned against the counter, snacking on something with a glass of wine in one hand.

"Harry!" Sirius exclaimed with a broad grin, setting his snacks aside. Mrs. Weasley beat him to Harry, though, immediately hugging him tightly.

"Goodness! Albus, you said not to expect you until morning! Oh, Harry! It's so good to see you…to see you doing so well," Mrs. Weasley said and Harry felt his stomach churn when he realized her eyes were filled with tears.

"Erm…Thanks, Mrs. Weasley," Harry said uncomfortably, letting her pat his hair and look him over, only moving aside when Sirius stepped forward to take over, embracing him briefly.

"Good to have you back, Harry," Sirius said warmly. "How are you?"

"Are you hungry, Harry dear?" Mrs. Weasley asked anxiously.

"No, thank you," Harry said. He hadn't eaten much today, but he didn't have much of an appetite. "I'm actually really tired."

"Yes, yes…You should get some sleep then," Mrs. Weasley said, stepping forward to hug him again. Harry hugged her back as she squeezed him tightly, disliking the way he felt his own eyes watering at the sudden emotion that overwhelmed him by the gesture.

"I'll take you to your room, Harry," Sirius said, patting him on the back. Mrs. Weasley held on for another few moments though before reluctantly pulling away and nodding her head, sniffling as she turned around and went back to her cooking, muttering about Mr. Weasley being late at work. Harry cleared his throat and blinked away his tears as he followed Sirius to the staircase. He almost forgot Dumbledore was there until they moved past him as the older wizard walked over to Mrs. Weasley, dabbing her eyes with the bottom of her apron.

Sirius looked on the verge of saying something the entire walk to the second floor and Harry braced himself. They walked along silently, though, until they reached the bedroom Harry had stayed in with Ron last summer. Looked like he'd have it all to himself this year, he thought, his stomach sinking. It still didn't seem quite real…That his best friend was gone. The funeral had been a miserable affair and Harry thought that feeling was gone, but now and then it popped back up. It was all just a bad dream, it felt like. He'd walk into that room and he'd hear Ron snoring and he'd wake up to his friend shoving at him, telling him his mum had made breakfast. It left him with a strange, sad, and empty feeling…Knowing it wouldn't happen, but feeling that expectation deep within him, anyway.

"Listen…Harry," Sirius said as they stepped inside the room, reaching over to flick on the light. "Um…Is there an…anything you'd like to do this summer?" he asked, clearing his throat. Harry couldn't decide if that was what his godfather had really been after, but he was grateful he didn't try bringing up Ron.

What Harry had nearly forgotten was Sirius's newfound freedom. With the Death Eaters out in the open and a new Minister of Magic in office, everything had worked out to where the public knew the truth. Or at least the Ministry was no longer after him…From what Harry could tell, not everyone was willing to believe the story of Sirius Black's innocence…but at least his godfather could leave the house now. Normally this would have made Harry very happy. He would have been glad to celebrate the fact that Sirius no longer had to hide out in Grimmauld Place and would actively take part in missions for the Order of the Phoenix and he could actually go out and spend time with Harry. Mostly, though, Harry's own misery seemed too deep and impenetrable to allow even the smallest bit of light in, and he felt badly for it. He should have been jumping at the chance to go out and do something with his godfather.

"Not really," Harry replied honestly, dully, as he flopped down onto his bed. "Erm…Nothing I can think of, anyway," he amended. He didn't want to make Sirius too upset and if his godfather came up with any plans, then Harry would be more than happy to go along with them.

"Hmm…Alright then. Well…" Sirius said, lingering in the middle of the room. "Just…You know we care about you, don't you, Harry?" Sirius said. "Arthur and Molly love you like a son and…Hermione loves you and…I love you, Harry. We're all here for you, if and when you need us."

"I know, Sirius," Harry replied, kicking off his shoes and glaring at the ground as his eyes burned again. "Thanks."

"Yeah…Well…Good night, Harry," Sirius said quietly, shutting the door softly behind him.

"Night, Sirius," Harry mumbled, not caring to find his trunk or his pajamas. Instead went over to flick off the light and shuffled through the darkness back to his bed, pulling the covers over his head. He didn't feel the least bit tired, but he figured he could lay here until sleep finally came to him.

It didn't seem like he had been laying there very long when the door opened and he heard someone creeping in. "Hello?" Harry said, raising his head a bit, squinting through the darkness. Someone was coming closer.

"Hey, Harry," Hermione whispered, crawling into bed right over him until she was laying beside him. He couldn't see her, but he knew her voice and he resisted the urge to sigh as she curled up against him. He wrapped his arms around her, already dreading whatever was to come. "I'm glad you're here," Hermione whispered and he bit the inside of his mouth when he felt her warm tears against the side of his neck, trying desperately to hold back the wetness in his own eyes. "It's been strange without you…and without…with Ron gone…" she whispered.

Not knowing what to say, Harry just nodded. He wanted to push her away and send her off to her own room, but he couldn't. He could bear it, couldn't he? Hermione needed him…and he needed to know that Ron was gone.

"I miss him so much," Hermione whispered. "It's…it's not quite right without him."

"Yeah," Harry said quietly, throat dry and his voice shaky. He willed himself not to cry, and Hermione, it seemed, was struggling with the same trouble. She sniffled and wiped her eyes and took deep breaths. He could feel the light shaking of her body in his arms, but she otherwise did her best to stay still and quiet. Hermione took a moment to calm herself down and Harry stroked her back as comfortingly as he could, holding her closer and shifting around into a position that was probably more comfortable for them both.

"So…Harry…How has your summer been so far?" Hermione whispered.

For a moment, Harry remained quiet. Nothing bad had necessarily happened, only the fact that he had been caught in a funk ever since returning to Privet Drive, and honestly before that, even. Snape had hurt him with his denials and Ron's death had left him feeling lost and depressed. It had hardly been a good summer, but Harry did not want to talk about Snape or Ron. "Not bad," he muttered finally. "No dementors tried to attack me or anything…Dursleys left me alone, mostly. Could have been worse."

Hermione nodded slowly.

"What about you?" he asked quietly after a moment.

"Pretty good," she said just as quietly, though by the trembling in her voice, Harry doubted it. He could just imagine her curled up in bed, crying over Ron. He could see her pouring over books and trying so hard to focus on them. "Reread a lot of our schoolbooks…Just so I know as much as I can…Since Voldemort's back and…and I figured it didn't hurt to go over things I might have missed. And…and Mu-mum and Dad tried to ch-…chee…They bought me some more books and…and we spent a lot of…a lot of time together. B-before I came here. Mrs. Weasley invited me…Said she still thinks of me as family and…and that Ginny really wanted to see me so…so I came and…and w…we've played a lot of games and…and cleaned and…the Order visits a lot."

"That…that sounds great," Harry said, trying to keep his voice light. He gave her another little squeeze and leaned a bit to kiss the top of her head. "Erm…More interesting than mine, actually."

"Well…That can change now, can't it? We still have a few weeks left and…and Sirius is free…so…Well, we still have to be careful…Everyone's so worried and they should be…A lot of places have closed down, though, and…We would need to be careful, but…but we could go out, I suppose. We have shopping to do but I'm sure Sirius will want to do something now that you're here and he…and he can actually do something…You know?" she said, snuggling closer to him.

"Yeah," Harry said. "That sounds great."

"You don't sound great," she teased, though her lightened tone was forced.

"Neither do you," he said.

For a while they said nothing more, just laying with one another. It was comfortable, holding her, and it didn't feel so wrong to be around someone right now. At least not when it came to Hermione. In fact, he was glad she had come in here, though he certainly hadn't felt so at first. They held each other close and offered chaste kisses wherever they could reach and comforting touches and said nothing whenever they felt a tear from the other.

It had been a little over a month since the funeral. The pain wasn't as strong anymore…It still was there, but it was fading slowly. It made them both feel worse, Harry thought. Ron was gone and life shouldn't be moving on this way. He had been too important to them both for it to be easy to move on. It didn't seem right not to cry every day. They both missed him a lot…His absence was probably the most noticeable thing in the whole house, Harry thought. Yet he felt on edge…expecting Ron to burst through that door at any moment and tell them all it was just a big prank or a mistake. Harry's eyes focused through the darkness on the area he thought the door to be for a long time, but nothing ever happened.

"Harry…" Hermione whispered, her voice quiet, though it rang out loudly in the absolute silence. Harry almost jumped in surprise as she interrupted his thoughts. He thought she had fallen asleep. "Do you still love him?"

"Who?"

"Professor Snape."

His heart hurt horribly at the sound of the man's name. A deep longing took over him, making everything within him ache with need for the man. To be near him, to hear from him, anything to do with him. For only a brief moment, everything had been fine. Maybe Harry understood why Snape was doing this, denying his feelings and denying him, but that didn't make it easy to bear. Sometimes he wanted to be so angry with the man. He would get frustrated and wish he could go back to hating him, but that seemed impossible now. It had been a month since he had last seen the man. Nothing had changed. Absolutely nothing. He hadn't gotten over it…The feelings never dulled…And still, the only good dreams he ever had these days involved Severus Snape.

"Yes…" he said. "Very much."

"And…you think he loves you, too?" Hermione asked breathlessly.

Snape could deny it all he wanted, but Harry knew the truth. The question aroused what bit of anger he could feel back into play, but it all too quickly died out into that numbness. It didn't make much sense, did it? Why a man in his thirties would love a boy his age. The two were surely a very unlikely pair, weren't they? Snape could say all he wanted. Everyone could tell him how foolish he was for believing it. But any doubts he had about the man disappeared the moment Snape told him he loved him. He had seen it in his eyes and heard it in his voice and Harry didn't think there was anything that could convince him otherwise.

"I know he does," Harry corrected her.

Hermione nodded slowly and fell quiet again, though like with Sirius, Harry had a feeling there was more she wanted to say.

"Why?" he asked after a moment.

It took Hermione a while to respond. Only when Harry became frustrated by her silence and was ready to demand his question again did she speak. "Then…Don't give up on him, okay, Harry?" she said softly. He could feel her tears on his neck again and wetting the shoulder of his shirt. Her breath was warm and quick against his neck. "Ron told me that you told him, you prat," Hermione teased, flicking him softly. She laughed sadly and kissed his neck. "We could have had more time together, though. But we were too stupid to…to do anything. So…just…don't give up on him, Harry. If you really love him," she said. She sounded so passionate about the whole thing, her arms tightening around his middle and her fingers pressing deeply into his sides as she spoke. It was almost like she was pleading with him, and Harry didn't understand why. It seemed so strange that it was Hermione who was encouraging him to do something she had cautioned him against just last year.

"You should be happy," Hermione went on after a moment. "He might be a prick, but…Well…if he loves you, he'll…he'll come around one day and…you just have to fight for him. Okay, Harry? For Ron and me?"

Harry didn't see what this had to do with her or Ron, but he slowly nodded his head. "I don't give up, do I, Mione?" he asked teasingly.

"No, you don't," she laughed. "Oh, Ron hated him so much. Thought you were mad for fancying him. But I think…I think now…Wherever he is…He'd want this, too. He wouldn't want you to make our mistakes and…and he'd want you to be really happy. And so do I, Harry. I really think you deserve to be happy."

"Thanks, Mione," Harry said quietly. He wasn't too sure if Ron really would want him to go after Snape…And he meant what he said. He had never really intended to give up on Snape. Somehow, though, Hermione's words encouraged him further, making him more excited by the prospect and thinking up all sorts of plans as to what to do when the new school year came around. He stayed awake long after he heard Hermione's quiet snores and when sleep finally took him, he dreamed of Severus Snape.

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Author's Note:

Chapter title lyrics from my new favorite song, "Notes in Constellations" by Chiodos. I highly recommend it to everyone. The reason I chose this song is because I looked up the background on the song. They originally wrote the song to be about two lovers who had to part ways, but with the death of Christopher "Notes" Olsen (old friend and musical collaborator of the vocalist), the song took a dual meaning as a song he might have sung to his girlfriend after his untimely death. It kind of made me think of Ron and Hermione and since it is my favorite song at the moment, it seemed perfect to use the song.
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Lost and Damned