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Amore et Amicitia	By : Kimmimaru Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Sirius/James Views: 6685 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any characters or settings by JK Rowling. I make no profit from this story.

Chapter List
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Chapter Thirty-Two: Obscurum intra (The Darkness within)

The Exam hall was silent, Sirius lounged in his chair, tipping it back on its legs as he gazed at the ceiling and waited for the teacher to call the end of it. He was bored and feeling restless, James and he had been getting along as well as they always had but there was definitely an undercurrent of tension in their relationship now.

**“Quills down, please!” Professor Flitwick said finally. “That means you too, Stebbins! Please remain seated while I collect your parchment! Accio!”

Over a hundred rolls of parchment zoomed into the air and into Professor Flitwick's outstretched arms, knocking him backwards off his feet. Several people laughed. A couple of students at the front desks got up, took hold of Professor Flitwick beneath the elbows and lifted him back on to his feet.

“Thank you ... thank you,” panted Professor Flitwick. “Very well, everybody, you're free to go!”

James jumped to his feet after stuffing everything hastily into his bag, he paused and waited for Sirius to catch up. When the four friends had gathered, James began leading them out into the sunshine of the grounds, they discussed the exam paper, teasing each other lightly. Sirius allowed himself glances in James’ direction but he couldn’t read his face. Everything seemed normal enough but he couldn’t help but feel as if something was wrong.

“Well, I thought that paper was a piece of cake,” Sirius said. He lifted his hand and swept hair from his eyes. “I'll be surprised if I don't get "Outstanding" on it at least.”

“Me too,” said James. He put his hand in his pocket and took out a struggling Golden Snitch.

“Where'd you get that?”

“Nicked it,” said James casually. He started playing with the Snitch, allowing it to fly as much as a foot away before seizing it again; his reflexes were excellent. Wormtail watched him in awe.

They stopped in the shade a beech tree on the edge of the lake, and threw themselves down on the grass. Remus pulled out a book and was reading. Sirius stared around at the students milling over the grass, looking rather haughty and bored, but very handsomely so. James was still playing with the Snitch, letting it zoom further and further away, almost escaping but always grabbed at the last second. Wormtail was watching him with his mouth open. Every time James made a particularly difficult catch, Wormtail gasped and applauded, James seemed enjoyed the attention. He slid his eyes towards the group of girls by the lake side, every so often reaching up to rumple his hair up.

“Put that away, will you,” said Sirius finally, as James made a fine catch and Wormtail let out a cheer, “before Wormtail wets himself with excitement.”

Wormtail turned slightly pink, but James grinned.

“If it bothers you,” he said, stuffing the Snitch back in his pocket.

“I'm bored,” said Sirius. “Wish it was full moon.”

“You might,” said Remus darkly from behind his book. “We've still got Transfiguration, if you're bored you could test me. Here ...” and he held out his book.

But Sirius snorted. “I don't need to look at that rubbish, I know it all.”

“This'll liven you up, Padfoot,” said James quietly. “Look who it is.” Sirius's head turned. He became very still, like a dog that has scented a rabbit.

“Excellent,” he said softly. “Snivellus.”**

Normally taunting Snape made James feel better, even on the most boring of days if he had had at least one go at Severus he would go to be feeling that he had achieved something...this time however he stormed up to the dorms in a rage. Sirius, Remus and Peter followed him into the dorms as he threw his bag onto his bed with an angry growling noise. “That bastard! That useless, filthy greasy shit!” He said with menace.

Sirius lounged on his own bed and yawned, revealing sharp teeth. “He’s a git, yes, we worked that much out for ourselves.” He said in a bored voice. “Give it a rest Jamie.”

James spun around and glared at me. “Shut up, Black!” He snarled.

The sudden use of Sirius’ surname made him sit up, he gazed at James with wide eyes. “What’s got your knickers in a twist Potter?” he laid delicate stress on his name and his eyes narrowed.

“He’s gone and turned Evans against me for good!” James replied and kicked his trunk, it rattled slightly.

“She hates you any way...her attitude towards you hasn’t changed in five years...stop bitching.”

“What the fuck do you know?! You’ve already kissed her! You don’t know what its like to always be turned down by the one person who you will ever love! You, Prince Black, the snake in lions clothing would never understand! You can have anyone in this bloody school if you wanted...and you do! I’ve seen you flirting and fucking whatever scum bag takes your fancy.”

Sirius went perfectly still for a very long time, James saw his eyes fill with hurt before it was covered by an arrogant sneer. Slowly he stood up and stepped over to James, his hands clenched into fists by his sides. “Take that back.” He growled.

“No.” James said firmly, a challenge in his voice.

“Come on you two stop arguing...” Remus began slowly but as he stepped forward James halted him with his hand.

“Fuck off, Remus. This isn’t about you.” James muttered.

“How dare you tell me that I don’t understand!” Sirius breathed, his fury making the room become heavy with magic. “I understand what unrequited love is...I...” He took a sharp breath and let out a sudden bark of humourless laughter. He put his head in his hands and hid his face from his friends. “You’re a fucking bastard, Potter. You...You’re like the sun...I get burned every single fucking time...” Slowly he withdrew his hands and looked James in the eyes, they were dark and full of sadness. “I hate you...but I...but I’ll always love you.” He sighed and sank onto his bed. “I’m...going to get some air...” He stood again and walked to the door after taking the map. Without a word he walked away and left James feeling guilt and pain tearing through his heart.

XXX

Sirius leaned against the parapet and gazed out across the dark summer scented grounds, his hands shook as he lifted a cigarette to his lips and blew the smoke out again. The wind picked up and blew his hair around his face, he sighed softly knowing that when he got back to the dorms he would fall into James’ arms and let him fuck him like a good dog should. He stared up at his namesake star, it flickered red and angry and reflecting his own dark mood. Slowly he lifted back the sleeve of his left arm and gazed down at the patch of smooth skin there, no sign of the mark his cousin had etched into his flesh. He was sixteen now. The Dark Lord’s words echoed back through his memories and he shuddered violently before bowing his head and closing his eyes.

“Who am I?” He breathed into the night, and got no answer as usual. “Tell me who I am...” His future was dark and forbidding, he had a choice of paths to take but he had no idea where to place his feet next. His friends had given him brief illumination but now he was wavering, his feet faltering on his chosen path and he was looking back over his shoulder as doubts plagued him. He wanted to do the right thing...but what was the right thing? Was it going against his parents? Was it following James wherever he went? Or was it going to the Dark Lord, standing at Bella’s side and wearing a skull mask? He shivered and wrapped his arms around himself as he looked up again at the stars. “What should I do?” He asked them but as usual they provided no answers. He knew that if he stayed with James he would always have his heart trampled on, he knew that at James’ side he would always be in pain...but could he leave him? Could he leave the warmth of the sun and live in darkness? He blew smoke from his lips again as the wind whipped his hair around his face, he chuckled bitterly. “Of course...Snake in Lions clothes...” Shaking his head and stubbed his cigarette out and turned to the doors, the wind grabbed his robes so they billowed out behind him as he descended from the tower.

XXX

James woke to the feeling of lips pressed against his own, he groaned and opened his eyes to find himself looking up into bright silver. Sirius smiled. He sat astride James and pinning him down by the shoulders, he smelt of cigarette smoke and dark chocolate. James smiled sleepily and wrapped him in his arms, he rolled over so they both lay on their sides. “Jamie?” Sirius whispered, kissing his nose gently.

“Yes?” James replied.

“I can get her to notice you.” He breathed in James’ ear. He had his eyes closed as he whispered and his fingers dug into James’ shoulders. “I can get Lily Evans to give you a chance...I can do it...because I love you...because no matter what you do to me I’ll always come crawling back.” He opened his eyes and gazed into James’. “She doesn’t like me particularly...when I kissed her...it was just an experiment years ago when I realised I was gay...I...I never meant to hurt you. We talk...and I think I can get her to listen.”

James suddenly smiled brightly, he embraced Sirius and kissed his throat. “Thank you, Padfoot old friend...”

“Yes...loyal friend...” Sirius whispered and buried his face in James’ neck. “Always by your side, even if you never ever look at me again.”

XXX

It was the last week of school when Sirius managed to corner Lily, she was coming out of the Great Hall after breakfast and he took her arm and pulled her to the side. They stood by the entrance to the dungeons and Sirius looked into her eyes and smiled. “Evans...”

“Black?” Lily raised a perfect eyebrow curiously.

“I wanted to say...” He shifted and sighed. “James is a good guy.” He said slowly. “He’s my best friend, he’s got so many good qualities I couldn’t list them all even if I tried.”

“Where is this going?” Lily asked with a sigh.

“Just hear me out, please. I promised him.” Sirius saw her nod and smiled again, it was a sad expression and his eyes were full of jealousy and pain. Lily felt her heart go out to him as she realised that he was in love with James, and it was more than likely unrequited. “He’s an arrogant berk, I know that as well as anyone but you have to understand that when he says he loves you it’s true. He’s really hurt by you always putting him down in front of the whole school, all I ask is that you give him another chance...please? Just...try being friendly with him at least.”

Lily grimaced. “Well...” She looked into Sirius’ hopeful face and caved. “Alright, but I’m not doing this for Potter.”

Sirius suddenly embraced her. “I know you’ll love him when you get to know him.” He breathed before releasing her and walking away. She watched him go feeling sorry for him.

Sirius sighed and ran fingers through his hair, his chest ached painfully and he ran to the nearest toilets. He threw open a cubical and felt o his knees, he vomited into the bowl with a gasp that sounded more like a sob.

XXX

The train station was packed with students climbing off, dragging trunks, saying farewell and finding their parents. Sirius dragged his trunk off the train and stood beside Remus, he spotted his brother who was laughing with his own friends. “So...I’ll see you all over the summer, I’m sure.” Remus said and Sirius turned to him with a weak smile.

“I’ll write as often as I can.” He said and embraced Remus tightly, Remus hugged him back. When they pulled apart James grabbed Sirius and held him close, Sirius took the time to breathe in his scent and bury his face in his neck. He played absently the hair at the back of his neck while James trailed a hand down his back absently.

“Keep in touch, if we miss a single day without a letter we’ll come hunting for you.” James breathed, unwilling to let Sirius go. He was filled with a sudden, unexplainable dread that made his chest tighten painfully.

Sirius finally pulled away, he adjusted James’ collar absently before meeting his eyes. “I’ll try.” He said roughly. “James I...”

“I know.” James replied and gently brushed hair from his eyes. The atmosphere was heavy as Sirius shook peter’s hand and turned away from his friends, he looked back once to see James watching him and biting his bottom lip. He lifted his hand and turned back to his brother, he walked through the barrier and stepped onto platform nine surrounded by muggles. He looked up at the roof of the station and felt sick, he frowned as dread filled him. A dread he couldn’t explain.

XXX

The first week of the holidays were pretty uneventful, Sirius wrote secretly to his friends, he even contacted James using their two-way mirrors. He spent his evenings shut away and drawing, he only drew pictures of James. He would go bed with charcoal stained fingers and a small smile on his lips.

It happened two weeks later. Sirius had been out and walking around in the park, he watched Muggle’s playing on the swings as he sat on a bench and stroked a cat. The cat had followed him home but he had told it to stay away from his house, it left with a soft meow. He opened the door and entered the hall way, shrugging off his coat and throwing it in the general direction of the coat rack. He walked up to his room but as he passed the drawing room he saw Regulus standing there looking as white as a sheet, his eyes were full of fear. “Sirius...what have you done?” He whispered.

Sirius frowned, utterly confused. “I haven’t done anything Reg!” He said defensively.

“Boy!”

His father’s voice echoed ominously from the room and Regulus jumped, he stared at his brother to see what he would do. Sirius’ face fell into a slightly worried frown as he began trying to remember if he had done anything to set his parents off. He reached out and touched the door, suddenly Regulus grabbed his wrist tightly, the terror in his eyes was horrible. “Don’t.” He gasped suddenly. “Don’t start anything...don’t argue...just do whatever they want you to...apologise...even i-if you never did anything!”

Sirius’ frown deepened. “No. Why the hell would I do that?”

“Because...because I’ve never seen them so angry...if you piss them off anymore than you already have I...I don’t know what will happen b-but mother she...”

“BOY! Get in here this instant!”

Orion’s voice boomed through the house and Sirius ripped his hand free of Regulus’. “They’ll drag me in there if I don’t go.” He made to push the door open again and heard Regulus’ soft voice...

“If you break up this family Sirius, I’ll never forgive you. No matter how much I...I feel for you...I won’t ever forgive you and I will hunt you to the ends of the earth and make you regret it.”

Sirius looked at him and saw how serious he was. An almost audible crack echoed through his head as he felt the bonds he had once shared with his brother shatter like glass, he watched Regulus shake his head and turn his back on him. It was as if he’d been punched. It knocked the air from his lungs and he had to steady himself on the door jam. After blinking away the shock he took a deep breath and pushed open the door. The first thing he saw was his mother kneeling on the floor and sobbing into her hands, she was sat before the family tree which spread its branches wide across the wall. He gazed at it blankly for a moment before turning to face his father who was almost purple with rage. “What’s going on?” He asked as he stepped into the room fully.

“Kreacher, show him.” Orion growled.

Sirius turned and saw Kreacher bring forth a box. A box he recognized. Slowly it dawned on him what had happened and his heart almost stopped. He stepped backwards but Orion’s hand descended and took hold of his wrist, he was dragged into the centre of the room and forced to watch as the house elf tipped the contents of the box onto the floor in silence. Sirius’ lips moved soundlessly as he stared at his drawings, they were mixed in with graphic gay pornography he had managed to get hold of from people around school. He had soon taught who to go to for that sort of thing. Now he felt a sudden wave of dizziness almost make him black out. He swayed where he knelt and blinked sluggishly as he turned to look at his mother, she cried into her hands as if her whole world was falling apart. Sirius’ lips were numb as he tried to form words. “I-I...I...Don’t...I didn’t...I’m not...” He gasped as the seriousness of the situation crashed into him. He fell forwards onto all fours and swallowed several times as he fought the urge to throw up. “No...” He gasped.

“Can you explain, boy?” Orion whispered, his voice full of dread and menace.

Sirius gagged and covered his mouth one hand, he gazed at the pile of drawings and shook his head quickly, his fingers were white as they dug into the carpet. Terror rendered him paralyzed.

“What are you doing with obscene drawings of this...traitor...and vile magazines under your bed?”

“It was locked.” Sirius whispered, his body shaking violently as he wrapped his arms around his stomach. “I-I locked it. With Magic. I-” he gasped in a desperate breath as his heart tried to beat right out of his chest.

“Answer me just one question.” Walburga said as he finally raised her head, her voice was thick and full of fury as well as grief. “Are you gay?”

Sirius gazed at her feeling numb. Orion observed his son in silence until Sirius began trembling again. “Well, boy? Answer her!” He shouted.

Sirius lowered his head. It was pointless denying it, he covered his mouth with one hand and closed his eyes. He nodded slowly. “Yes...” He breathed so softly it took his parents a moment to catch it.

The silence was horrible. The tension making Sirius have great difficulty not vomiting all over the carpet. He kept his head bowed low, his trembling body tingling as he felt their stares. His mother suddenly screamed, he didn’t look up. He squeezed his eyes shut tightly and covered his ears with his hands. Walburga screamed and rocked back and forth, her fingers clawing at her face and drawing ribbons of blood across her cheeks. The door burst open and Regulus ran into the room, he grabbed her and forced her hands away from her face. “Mother! Mother stop! Please!”

Sirius dropped his hands and stared up at the ceiling, he felt cold. “She’s mad.” He whispered to the curlicues in the plaster. “Insane...” He giggled slightly. “We all are really...aren’t we?”

“Sirius, what are you talking about?” Regulus turned to stare at his brother. Sirius’ face had never looked so pale, his eyes shone with a disturbing darkness and his cheeks suddenly looked sunken as he smiled to reveal sharp teeth. “S-Sirius...?”

Sirius stood up, stumbling backwards, his eyes flicked to his father as the door bell rang. His face filled with the terror of a cornered wild animal. “You called them?!” He gasped, his hands twitching by his sides. “You...You’re sending me away...?”

Orion said nothing, but Sirius had his confirmation. “No.” He gasped and turned, he broke into a run and made for the stairs. He was half way to his room when something tripped him and he fell, he landed badly on his knees and hissed in pain. Some invisible force dragged him backwards and before he knew it he was hanging upside down and gazing into the face of his cousin. Behind her stood several other Death Eaters, all masked and robed. He struggled uselessly. “No!” he screamed but only got laughter in response.

“I say we castrate the freak. Castrate him and make him suck on his own balls.” That voice belonged to Lestrange and the glee in it made Sirius even sicker. The blood rushed to his head as he spun in a circle helplessly, his arms hanging by his head as he finally stopped fighting. Tears fell into his hair and he closed his eyes.

“No...we will leave the mutilation to last, shall we?” Bella purred. “Before he goes off to St.Mungos and they put him in a little white jacket so he can’t move his armies...” He smiled sadistically. “We’ll make sure he’s never let out again...we’ll make him forget who he is, his name, his ikel fweinds and even his own family...he will soon be sitting in a corner drooling and utterly useless until the day he dies.” She laughed, the sound sent chills racing through Sirius’ body and he let out a choked sob as he the Death Eaters sent him hurtling down the stairs. He screamed helplessly as his arm shattered with the impact of falling and he rolled, and rolled until he came to rest at Lestrange’s feet. He bent double and was finally violently sick.

** Words taken directly from JK Rowling's Order of the Phoenix, used for continuities sake.
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Amore et Amicitia