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Amore et Amicitia	By : Kimmimaru Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Sirius/James Views: 6685 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any characters or settings by JK Rowling. I make no profit from this story.

Chapter List
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Chapter Thirty-Three: In amore cum morte (In love with death)

The room was dark. Sirius’ vision blurry as he spun helplessly in the air, bound by invisible bonds. Laughter still echoed in his mind as his head rested on his shoulder, his breathing was ragged and he had long ago stopped struggling. His chest was a mass of horrible wounds, words gouged into his flesh with a bloody silver knife. He had a trickle of crimson running down his chin and he gazed blankly at the family tree, his own screams still filling his head. His body ached beyond anything he had ever experienced, his mind was utterly blank and his eyes almost black from the potion they had forced down his throat. It had burnt and he had gagged but hadn’t thrown up. It had heightened his physical feelings, so he felt pain ten times worse than normal and they wouldn’t allow him to lose consciousness. He had asked them to kill him. He had asked them over and over but they had laughed and kicked him. Sirius hung in the air as the cold seeped into his body. He wore nothing but his ragged t-shirt, Lestrange had been denied the pleasure of cutting off his testicles but he had taken great joy in carving open his chest.

His family had left them to it. He had no idea how much time had passed but it felt like years, Sirius was lost on a fog of waking dreams. Dark figures drifted before him and turned their backs on him; first his mother, then his father, then Andromeda and Alphard then his own brother. All cursed him, spitting into his face and calling him names...

He whispered incoherently into the darkness as tears slid down his face. “I’m sorry...sorry...forgive...me...sorry...don’t leave m-me here...” He pleaded for death to take him, but he was denied even that mercy.

Bella watched Sirius sobbing desperately and she smiled. “Aw, is poor ikle Siwi upsetted by the nasty Death Eaters?” She cooed as she entered the room again, her husband on her heels. “This is what happens when you defy us, Sirius.” She smiled. “But there’s always room for forgiveness. All this can stop if you renounce your allegiance to those traitors you call friends and come to us, we will welcome you with open arms.” She lifted her arms and Sirius’ bonds were released he fell to the floor with a loud crash. The shock filled him with more agony and he groaned, his throat too sore to utter a scream. He curled into a ball and cradled his shattered arm to his chest. “Come to me Sirius and I can heal you.”

Sirius shuddered violently and began crying again. He couldn’t help it. “J-Jamie...h-help me...” He rasped. “Help...me...”

“No one can hear you, little one.” Bella whispered, she knelt on the floor and beckoned. Sirius lifted his head, she was offering him a way out. A way to end the pain. All he had to do was give up everything...

Sirius began crawling forward, his body screamed in protest but he managed to get himself onto his good hand and bruised knees and shuffled towards his cousin.

“That’s it! Good boy. The Dark Lord will be so pleased.”

He reached her and collapsed, she caught him and her arms and cradled him against her chest. Suddenly he grabbed her by the neck of her robes and looked up into her face. “Fucking kill me.” He gasped as shudders wracked his body. “Get it over with.”

“Gladly you useless brat!” Lestrange removed his wand and aimed it into Sirius’ face. He smiled as Bella dropped him as she stood.

Sirius faced his death with a strange numb happiness. He stared at the wand as his eyes glowed with excitement. His heart speeded up and he began shaking. “Do it. Do it. Kill me. Kill me....”

“Wait!” Bella put her hand on her husband’s wand and lowered it. “Don’t kill him yet. I want the pleasure of doing that...for now have fun with him, do whatever you want to him.” She turned and walked away. Sirius heard the lock click and he felt the tears come again, he closed his eyes and let agony wash over him.

“Jamie...” He whispered into the dark room as Lestrange’s shadow fell across his face. He looked up at the moon.

XXX

James paced frantically. He was uncomfortable, something was wrong. He hadn’t heard from Sirius for a week and he was so terrified he couldn’t sleep. He gazed out the window, the house was silent and he felt his stomach tense. “Sirius...” He breathed softly, only able to hope his friend was alive and well.

XXX

Sirius let Lestrange take him, he didn’t even make a sound. He stared up at the ceiling with lips slightly parted as the big man sent more pain shooting through his battered nerves. He shook slightly as he grasped at the carpet and closed his eyes. It was easy to sink inside himself and forget about it all, he almost wished the fate his cousin had promised him would reach him sooner. He would rather not know who he was or what he was. He didn’t care anymore. He only wanted out. Even if that meant a tiny cell in St. Mungos. He shivered as Lestrange came with a grunt.

The man pulled out with a satisfied sigh and lifted a flashing knife, he grinned and Sirius watched in numb fascination as that knife descended and pierced the flesh of his arm, he twitched but didn’t make a sound. Turning his head he could watch his own blood spill across the carpet. “One mark for once...” Lestrange hissed. “I’ll be ready to go again soon...I’ll use you up like an old rag and throw you out with the rest of the filthy litter.”

Sirius nodded dumbly. Lestrange slapped him but got no more response.

“Damn it, you’re not fun.” He muttered and leaned back, his eyes crawling over Sirius’ abused body.

“...do you...do you want me?” Sirius breathed softly, watching his twitching hand as his body pumped trickles of blood across his pale skin.

“You’re a bit older than I like but I’ll take whatever I can take...”

“Then...hurt me.” He breathed, his eyes turning to Lestrange. “Hurt me until I’m screaming...hurt me to remind me I’m still alive. Then fuck me all you want...I...I don’t care anymore...so long as you kill me afterwards. You want to, I know you do.”

“You cheeky shit.” Lestrange slapped him across the face again, his hand closed over Sirius’ throat and he grabbed his knife again. He grinned sadistically as he slammed it through Sirius’ open palm, pinning it to the floor. Sirius screamed. His body arched off the floor and he felt white hot pain erupt across his cheek, Lestrange had opened it up with one sweep of his knife. Sirius bit down hard on his lip as Lestrange lifted his wand, he was panting heavily and the words he spoke were cut off by another hoarse scream from his captive.

Sirius writhed in agony. His whole body on fire. He jerked underneath Rudolphus’ heavy body, his mind full of one thing...he screamed it to the ceiling, begging. Begging like he had never begged for anything in his whole life. “KILL ME! KILL ME!”

XXX

Sirius never did get his wish. He was left alone in the dark trembling uncontrollably while he whispered a litany of nonsense. Time passed without any obvious sign that it was passing, Sirius closed his eyes and let oblivion suck him down into darkness...

XXX

When next he woke he was curled in a corner, he opened his eyes to find the room full of light. His hand reached out and he touched something solid and wooden, slowly his eyesight adjusted and he saw his wand lying in his fingers. It took him a while before he began wandering where it had come from, he frowned and looked to the door, his vision swam horribly as he managed to force himself into an upright position. He swallowed and realised how thirsty he was, his stomach had gone beyond hungry now and he stared at the door trying to figure out the meaning.

The house was silent. He was alone. The door was open.

Slowly he began dragging himself towards the door, his teeth bared as he fought off weakness and the ever encroaching blackness of unconsciousness. Only one thing was on his mind. Only one person was filling him with the courage to move. To keep surviving. He had to live. He had to see him one last time...he had to speak to him...he had to embrace him...

“Jamie...”

XXX

The summer sun beat down on the road, heating it until the tarmac seemed to boil. Cars whizzed past, their engines roaring as they passed the grassy hillocks where a massive black dog limped along. Soft whines escaped it as it held its broken paw up and continued onwards. Blood dried on its fur, flaking with each agonized movement. Padfoot only had one thought; He needed to find his HUMAN. He moved forwards, stumbling but continuing forwards, he let instinct guide him, he had a vague memory of where his HUMAN lived. He could see the red door and golden knocker in his memories and he concentrated on that, trying to ignore the agony ripping his body to shreds.

XXX

James sat in his room, gazing blankly at his stack of homework. He couldn’t concentrate, he was too worried. It had been two weeks since he had last heard from Sirius and he was continuing to get concerned letters from Remus, he chewed on a broken nail absently as night descended.

As he was getting ready for bed a howl rent the air. The noise made every hair on James’ body stand on end and his heart stopped in his chest, he leapt up and dived for his door. As fast as he could he wrenched it open and ran down the stairs, ignoring his parent’s concerned calls. The front door was before him and he pulled it open.

The street was dark, the warmth of summer permeated everything and made him sticky and hot but he ignored it as he ran into the street, calling; “Padfoot! Padfoot! SIRIUS!” When he saw the dog in the centre of the road he stopped, he stared for a full minute before falling to his knees. Padfoot lay in the street whining, his body trembling. “Sirius...!” James crawled forward and reached his friend just as his agony tore him from his transformation and he let out a scream. James grabbed him into an embrace, ignoring the blood that covered him. He buried his face in Sirius’ hair and let him sob into his pyjamas. He shook uncontrollably as Sirius cried like a child and gripped him desperately in bloody hands. “Sirius...I’m here now. You found me. You’re home now.”

Sirius gasped and closed his eyes, his body relaxed slowly as he heard James’ voice. He opened his blurry eyes and looked at him. His arm lifting to touch his face. “James...”

“You’re not alone anymore, Siri.” James whispered as his parents ran into the street. “You’ve never been alone, since the day we met.”

With a tiny smile Sirius fell back and let unconsciousness take him...he was safe now...he could let go...he was safe and warm and home...

XXX

James sat by Sirius’ bed, his hand gripping his tightly as he gazed down into his white face. Dorea Potter bustled about the room, she touched her son’s shoulder gently. “James, I need to see the damage.” She whispered and James nodded before reluctantly releasing Sirius’ hand and stepping back. He watched his mother remove his tattered shirt and throw it away. She uttered a little gasp and stepped back, James looked at his best friend and his eyes widened behind his glasses. Fury licked at his insides and he clenched his hands into fists.

“Those disgusting bastards!” He whispered vehemently.

Sirius’ chest was covered in words gouged brutally into his skin; Bloodtraitor, Scum, Pouf, Queer, Freak, Bum-Boy, Fudge Packer...

James’ breathing caught in his throat as he realised Sirius’ parents must have found out the truth, somehow they knew Sirius was gay. He glanced at his mother and felt violently sick, he doubled over and fell to his knees as he squeezed his eyes shut tightly. “James!” Dorea knelt beside her son and held him close, he began crying helplessly. Unable to prevent the sudden overwhelming emotion that flooded through his body. “James, he’s going to be ok. The wounds weren’t made by a wand, we can heal it without leaving a scar...he’s alive, and that’s what matters.”

“I-I know...” James sobbed, he removed his glasses and wiped his eyes. “That’s...that’s not the point...” He looked into Dorea’s eyes. “He’s gay Mum...he’s gay...I...”

Dorea went still, for a long time James awaited her reaction. Slowly her hand slipped from his shoulder and she stood. She turned her back on him, her shoulders tense. James felt his stomach cramp again but waited. “And you know this how, James?”

James lowered his head and looked at the blurry floor. “I think you’ve known for a long time...”

Dorea suddenly turned to the door, James lowered his head and sighed. “Don’t tell your father, James...please...for all our sakes.” She whispered before leaving him alone with Sirius.

Slowly he uncurled himself and stepped up to the bed, he looked down at Sirius with wide eyes before slipping onto the bed at his side and burying his face in his hair. He closed his eyes tightly. “I shouldn’t do it.” He whispered to his unconscious friend. “I shouldn’t...” He held Sirius tightly and kissed his bloody lips. “I love you Sirius.” He whispered against his lips and hitched in a breath as fear tore through him. “I love you but...”

“...There’s always a but...” Sirius mumbled and James found himself gazing into silver eyes. He smiled weakly. “I...I understand though...” He pushed James’ hair form his eyes and his smile was tense, his body still shook but he sounded stronger. “I understand why you never said anything. Take it back...take it back and never say those words again...don’t put yourself at risk again...”

James bit his lip and sighed, his voice trembled slightly. “I’m gunna have to get married.” He said. “When I’m older...I’ll have to get married and we’ll be...”

“Just friends.” Sirius rolled over so he was on his side, they looked at each other. “Some things are best left unsaid, I leant that much over the past three weeks...I’ll never say it again. I promise.”

James swallowed the painful lump in his throat, he gave Sirius one last kiss on the lips before moving away from him and walking to the door. His hands shook but he held himself tall as he paused with his hand on the door. “What...what will you do?” He asked.

“Dunno...” Sirius replied. “Go on with my life...alone...”

“Never alone, Siri...” James looked over his shoulder but neither could smile as the gravity of the situation sat heavily in both their chests. “I’m sorry...I’m sorry for everything...”

“Don’t be. If we’d never done anything I would have always wondered anyway...you complete me, James Potter. That’s something that can never be destroyed.”

James nodded before walking out of Sirius’ room, as the door swung shit behind him he realised what had just happened. He went to his own room across the hall and fell into bed. He wrapped himself up in his duvet, still fully clothed and began crying silently into his pillow.

Sirius gazed up at the ceiling for a long moment, James had been the one thing that had kept him going, the one thing that had burnt brightly enough to keep his heart beating every time he fell into darkness and now...after James had said the words that he had been dying to hear they both knew it had to end. They could never be together, they could never be happy...they wouldn’t be allowed. For the first time in Sirius’ life he wished he wasn’t a wizard, for the first time in his life he despised magic and all that surrounded it. He cursed quietly and considered snapping his wand in half and disappearing into the muggle world, but that would have been akin to tearing off his own arm, an impossible feat.

XXX

Dorea healed Sirius but said very little to him, she seemed distracted, her mind far away until she had finished then she sat at his side and took his hand. Sirius flinched uncontrollably, he rarely had had an adult touch him that didn’t want to either hurt him or rape him. “I’m sorry dear, I wasn’t thinking.” She released him for a moment and sighed sadly as she looked at him. “You’re so young...” The pain in her voice was obvious as Sirius sat up and drew his knees to his chest. “Sirius, I wanted to talk to you without my son around.”

Sirius nodded. “You saved me, I’ll listen.”

Dorea smiled and automatically smoothed hair from his face, again he flinched but less violently. He shivered and closed his eyes a moment until the panic had subsided. “It’s about James...He said...” She looked concerned before shaking her head. “There is no delicate way to put this Sirius, and I’m sorry for that, I don’t wish to cause you any more pain. You’ve been through quite enough I’m sure. But my first concern is James’ safety, do you understand?” Sirius nodded and shifted slightly. “Good. James is well loved, I fear that my husband and I have coddled him and he’s not prepared for the real world...especially since all those nasty incidences of people dying and disappearing...But we did the best we could anyway. I’m afraid for him , Sirius...he’s so naieve sometimes that I worry he will get himself into trouble. He’s too honourable and that can lead to him doing something stupid and getting himself killed...” She paused again, fiddling with a bracelet on her wrist. “You have to understand I don’t care that you’re gay, it doesn’t matter to me. I worry about you, of course I do, but if you wish to persue relationships with other men...well, you are well aware of the dangers. I am concerned about James...if you two have...Have you?” She looked at him.

Sirius paused, unsure what to say. “I...” Finally he nodded and lowered his head. “I’m sorry, Mrs. Potter...I...” He closed his eyes tightly. “I seduced him, it’s not him. There’s a girl at Hogwarts he likes, she’s very pretty...but I...I used him.” He looked up at her with dark eyes. “I didn’t mean to get him into trouble or hurt him in any way...he’s my best friend, I’d die for him! I’ll do anything to protect him even if it means having to carve my own soul out of my chest...I’ll throw my life away for his! But we were alone together and I couldn’t help myself. I apologise. If you want me to leave I will...It’s just that...I-I’d like to say good bye to James first...If that’s ok...?”

“There’s a girl?!” Dorea gazed at him with wide hopeful eyes and Sirius’ heart broke into a thousand pieces. He forced a smile onto his face though.

“Yes, her name’s Lily Evans...he’s really in love with her, even if she hates him. He’s straight Mrs. Potter, I promise.”

Dorea closed her eyes. “Thank Merlin for that...” She breathed and suddenly swept Sirius into an embrace, Sirius froze, unable to think of what to do. “I’m so sorry...” She whispered. “If things were different...if I wasn’t terrified for his safety every time he stepped out this door already I would be happy for you both...because love is more important than the sex of the person...But I cannot let him do something stupid that would risk his life.”

“I understand.” Sirius whispered feeling empty and more alone than he had done since he had first met James. “I...I really do...I’ll leave him alone. I’ll protect him. I’ll make sure nothing ever hurts him, I swear. C-Can I...can I say goodbye?” Sirius’ voice dropped to a small childish tone as Dorea released him.

She suddenly looked horrified and Sirius’ stomach dropped out of him. “Oh my! No, Sirius! Where on earth would you go?! Where would you live? How would you feed yourself? No. Absolutely not. You, young man, aren’t going anywhere. You will stay right here until you turn seventeen, and even then I will expect you around every Sunday for lunch.” She stood and gazed at him with motherly sternness. “Until you heal you won’t be leaving the house, I will make sure no one comes looking for you...even though I am sure Walburga would rather die than come within fifty feet of this place...” She sighed and her expression softened. “Sirius, you are always welcome with us you know? You’re not a burden. We enjoy having you around....and I’m sorry for everything.” With that she left him and closed the door with a snap.

END NOTE: I hope you understand why Dorea is being the way she is, she's far from Homophobic but she fears for James' safety and she is putting his life first before anything else. And to be honest, I would hope every mother would do that. she doesn't like making her son unhappy, and she doesn't like knowing she's hurting Sirius too but in the situation she doesn't know what else to do to protect James. I don't want you thinking she's being cruel, she's just making a difficult desicion within the parameters of the bigoted Wizarding world. (Thank you my reveiwers, Still loving your comments! :p)
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Amore et Amicitia