Adult-FanFiction.org : Harry Potter

Practicing Liars	By : Lomonaaeren Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Draco Views: 63257 -:- Recommendations : 2 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter and I am not making any money from this story.

Chapter List
- 35
- 36
- 37
Thank you again for all the reviews!

Chapter Thirty-Six�Private
Wars

�� Harry
seemed to come awake all at once, surging out of the chair in his private
quarters that Severus had placed him in and staring around as if he didn�t
remember how he got there. Severus narrowed his eyes and stood up. He would
have to intervene if that were so. The potion was not supposed to affect the
memory.

�� But Harry
swallowed a large gasp of air and sank back in the chair, shaking his head. �That
wasn�t a dream,� he whispered, scratching at his scalp as if he were a dog. Severus
controlled the temptation to tell him to take his hand out of his hair. �Not
even a nightmare.�

�� Harry?�
Draco, who�d been asleep on the couch, opened his eyes and sat up anxiously. �Are
you all right?�

�� Yeah,
Draco, I�m fine.� Harry turned his head and smiled gently. Severus blinked, a
bit startled by how quickly he seemed to recover. At one moment he was still
trying to reassure himself; in the next, he had made the transition to helping
someone else.

�� I wonder whether it being Draco makes any
difference for him, or if he would reassure anyone who needed it.

�� I wonder if he lets anyone comfort him.

�� As if Harry
had heard the silent question, or felt the pressure of his eyes, he turned his
head and briefly glanced at Severus. The next moment, he lowered his eyes and
swallowed awkwardly. �Thank you for trying to help me, sir.� His words were
stiff and rushed, and he looked at the floor the way that students did when
Severus assigned them detention in Potions for spilling one of their wretched
concoctions.

�� The test
was successful,� Severus said, because he thought Harry would take information
from him more readily than he would take anything else. �You are allergic to
nothing in the potion, and it disturbed the position of the Horcrux in your
soul. That means that we can hope for good results when I use the second dose
of the potion, and perhaps for the Dark Lord�s taint to be removed from you
altogether.�

�� Harry
lifted his head and blinked at him, perhaps uncertain of what he was hearing.
Severus waited for him to ask how he could tell that the Horcrux had shifted
position in his soul, or anything else.

�� But his son
was not naturally gifted with curiosity, or at least not with the temptation to
exercise it. He bowed his head, exhaled noisily, and said, �Thank you. I wanted�I
mean, I�m glad that we won�t have to go through a third test.�

�� So am I,�
Severus said.

�� Harry
looked at him quickly, but it wasn�t the expression of total incomprehension
that would have inspired Severus to ask whether Harry thought he had not
suffered from the potion, too. Harry hopped out of the chair then and came over
to Draco, murmuring something into his ear. Draco pulled back and stared at
Harry.

�� Severus
tensed, wondering if something was wrong, and Harry wanted Draco to communicate
it to him. But then Draco nodded, said, �Well. If you�re sure,� and sauntered
into Severus�s bathroom and shut the door behind him.

�� That, Severus
realized as Harry turned to him, effectively left them alone. Perhaps Draco
would be listening at the door, but Severus didn�t think so. Not if Harry had
asked him not to�and Harry probably would have done so. He rarely seemed to
forget that these were Slytherins he was dealing with.

�� Harry faced
Severus as if they were going to duel again. His hands were clasped in front of
him, and his pulse beat wildly at the base of his throat. But his voice was
steady, if a bit dry, when he said, �I wanted to tell you that�thanks for the
potion. It�ll help I didn�t want to go through the pain, but it was the only
way.� He sighed and shut his eyes. �I�m just so tired of it being the only way.�

�� Someday,
it will not be,� Severus said, hardly daring to move his own lips in case he
should frighten the boy away. �After the Dark Lord dies, there will be other
choices.�

�� Harry
opened his eyes and stared straight at him. Then he said, �What if Dumbledore
says there aren�t? What if he wants us to keep this secret, or if he wants me
to go back to the Dursleys� again?�

�� Severus
felt a sharp prickling at the back of his neck, as if a blade was laid there.
He had waited for a direct kind of challenge or acknowledgment from his son,
though he had not suspected it would come this way. After all, Harry had barely
admitted the truth about his Muggle family at all. Severus had thought the
question of where he would live in the future, or at least after the Dark Lord
died, would wait until he could say that his relatives abused him.

�� But I am up to the challenge.

�� I will
make other choices,� Severus said calmly. �That is what parents do for their
children.�

�� Harry shook
his head. �But you never knew about me. Never wanted me. Never would have
known, if you hadn�t�if you hadn�t known about Mum.�

�� Would you
have kept it from me forever, then?� Severus hissed the words. With any luck,
Harry would think the sharpness came from irritation rather than hurt.

�� I don�t
know.� Harry looked much younger than he was at the moment, eyes solemn and
large. �I probably would have tried.�

�� Have you
thought about what I would have wanted?� Severus demanded. �To know my son,
even if I had not known at the time��

�� But it was
me,� Harry said. �I mean, yeah, a son
in general, I can see that, after everything you said about blood. But what
about me? You hated me. You know you
did,� he said, rushing past Severus�s instinctive attempt to defend himself. �That�s
why I didn�t want to come forwards. Even now, I need to know�is this about
having a son? Or do you really want me,
even though I look like James Potter?� He seemed to have forgotten the glamour.

�� This was
not the moment to fight a private war with himself, but that was what Severus
found himself doing.

�� He could
tell the truth, and alienate Harry. He could lie, and alienate him further when
he found out. (And that he would find out, Severus had no doubt; he seemed good
at putting together perceptions and overheard words into a whole, at least when
it concerned him, if not Potions). He could tell half the truth and risk
muddling things so much that he would not remember which half he had told
later, when he might feel comfortable enough with Harry to speak more freely.
Or he could spend hours trying to choose which half was least harmful.

�� There was
no one to tell him what was right or wrong, no one to tell him what was just or
fair. Once, Albus would have fulfilled that role for him, and Severus was surprised,
now, to find how sharply he missed him.

�� He had to
make his own decisions.

�� He looked
up and into Harry�s eyes. Luckily, Harry didn�t seem to be one of those people
to whom a less-than-immediate answer indicated less than perfect honesty. He
simply waited, his eyes once again large, his hands clenched in front of him as
if he wanted to be able to seize his wand or turn in any direction on the
instant.

�� Perhaps he is preparing to run, Severus
thought, and chose the riskiest course. It was the only one where the risk
existed solely in the present and not the future.

�� When I
first realized that you were my son,� he said, �I resented the fact. I wanted a
son, yes, but I did not want the boy I thought you were�the Gryffindor I had
sculpted from memories and dreams. James Potter�s son.�

�� I didn�t
have his blood,� Harry said. He had the same careful tone in his voice that Severus
did, and that gratified part of Severus�s ambition and vanity even as he
steeled himself to listen to the words. �And I know that was what you based your hatred on, but later on you
hated me for other reasons, didn�t you?�

�� Severus
struggled to keep his eyes from turning away. Some mistakes had to be looked in
the face, no matter how hard it might be.

�� Yes,� he
said. �I thought you arrogant mostly based on your bloodline, but your recklessness
and your refusal to use your brain I have seen for myself.�

�� Of course
a teacher cares when a student fails to use his brain,� Harry said, with a grim
smile that made Severus wonder who hadn�t
cared for him to think, the Dursleys or Albus. �And the thing is, I can�t
believe that that�s gone away. You can say that you�re changing your mind about
me, but not that it�s changed. It�s still mostly for my blood that you want me,
and because I�m my mum�s son.�

�� Severus
wanted so strongly to snap something and end this line of inquiry that he
almost did. His anger rose in self-defense. He wanted to change things, yes, but he knew that it would be hard. He
could have an easier road if he ended this now and made it clear that there
were some things Harry was simply not permitted to ask. After all, there were
areas of the boy�s life that he was not supposed to pry into, weren�t there? If
Harry possessed secrets he didn�t want to voice, why couldn�t Severus get away
with the same thing?

�� You sound like a child. More, a Gryffindor child,
who thinks that each treatment of others should always be fair.

�� It was hard
to tame himself, yes, but that reminder helped. Severus brought his head slowly
down and said, �I am in the process of changing my mind. I believe it is more
than that, now, that I want to help you and protect you for other reasons than
your blood, but I cannot tell what you may have seen in my behavior to convince
you otherwise.�

�� Harry
watched him quietly. Only when he gulped did Severus realize that his son might
be as nervous as he was himself, as at war with old habits, as much caught in a
struggle to understand what were his preconceptions and what were reality.

�� I just�I don�t
understand,� Harry said. �You helped me with the potion, and you didn�t have
to. You�you touched me while I was
suffering under that potion.� He made it sound as though Severus had picked up
a thrashing adder who might bite instead of touching a child�s hand. �Those
seem like�well, they�re like something, but I know you couldn�t have changed
your mind that quickly.�

�� Then say
that they are part of the process of changing my mind,� Severus said, �and
leave it at that.�

�� I can�t.� Harry�s voice was angry now, and
soaring on wings of that anger, to what destination Severus didn�t know. �I
have to know. Are they real? I mean, are they gestures that you make because you
really feel something, or because you want me to think you feel something?�

�� They are
gestures that I am taking to inspire the growth of the feelings within myself.�
Severus spoke swiftly, before the truth could choke him with its sheer
immensity. �I have not completely changed my mind yet, but things like this
help me to do so. Why does it matter so much if they are real or not?�

�� Because I want them to be,� Harry said. �So much.�

�� Then he
stopped and clenched his fists as if he�d said something he didn�t mean to. The
next minute, he ducked across the room and knocked on the door of Severus�s
bathroom. Draco came out, a question on his face, and Harry ducked past him and
out the door of Severus�s rooms as if he were being hunted.

�� Leaving Severus
with a pounding heart and a changing mind.

�� What did
you say to him?� Draco asked, sounding mildly perplexed instead of angry. �He
told me to stay out of the room so he could talk to you privately and find out
a few things. Did he?�

�� I think he
learned enough,� Severus said. �I would like you to leave now, Draco. Go after
him and comfort him if you can.�

�� Draco gave
him a scornful look that was softer than Lucius Malfoy�s would have been, but
not by much. �As if I was going to do anything else,� he muttered, and then
shot out into the corridor, shutting the door behind him.

�� Severus
took one of the chairs he�d used to watch Harry sleep during most of the night
and shut his eyes.

�� He wished
he knew whether he should feel hopeful or not, and whether he had harmed his
son more than he had helped him.

�� He wished
he knew whether he had won the war.

*

�� Draco had
only stayed behind in Professor Snape�s quarters a short time, but that seemed
to be enough time for Harry to get an uncomfortable distance ahead. He hurried
around corners, following the sound of pounding feet. Harry was already out of
the dungeons. Draco thought he was going outside for a minute, but instead he
ran across the entrance hall and towards the stairs.

�� Probably heading for Gryffindor Tower, Draco
thought, and grimaced, trying to wring more speed out of his legs even though
they were already trembling. I definitely
want to catch him before he gets there.

�� As it
turned out, he had to wait for one of the moving staircases Harry had taken to
swing back around, until he decided it wouldn�t move and leaped the gap of
empty air between him and the steps. When he caught up with Harry again on the
third floor, someone else had found him, too.

�� The whine
of Weasley�s voice was unmistakable. �Did someone hurt you, Harry? Where are
you going so fast?�

�� Draco held
onto the wall, trying not to move so that the torch sconce wouldn�t throw his
shadow out into the open, and peered cautiously around the corner. Weasley and
Granger were both standing in front of Harry, Weasley with his arms spread as
if he�d prevented Harry from running further. Harry�s face was red with
exertion and something Draco thought was close to tears. He hoped not. He would
hate to see Harry cry in front of his worthless friends.

�� Granger
stood on the other side of Harry, and she had one hand raised as if to touch
his arm, but her hand was just hanging there uselessly, not doing anything
else. �What�s wrong?� she whispered. �Can we help?�

�� Harry
closed his eyes, and Draco could see the way he fought himself back under
control. Draco wished he hadn�t had to, that he could have gone to an unused
classroom or the Tower or wherever he was going to cry and swear and hex the
furniture in peace.

�� I don�t
think so,� Harry said at last, with a desperate attempt at calmness that just
made Granger and Weasley look at him with sharper stares. �I just�it�s
something to do with what I told you the other day, and I don�t want to discuss
that with you. So let me by.� He took an assured step forwards, as if he
thought Weasley would get out of the way.

�� Wesley
hunched his shoulders and spread his arms further, apparently assuming his good
deed for the day would be keeping Harry here. �You�re too upset, mate,� he
said. �I want to know why.�

�� Harry
stopped walking, but Draco could see the cold look he gave Weasley, and he knew
what was behind it. Harry would spill everything out if Weasley kept pushing,
in sheer anger or because the tension had to go somewhere.

�� And Draco
didn�t want that to happen. Harry should be able to choose whom he told his
secrets to.

�� Excuse me,�
he said, stepping around the corner and smiling brightly. �But has it occurred
to you that maybe he doesn�t want to tell you because you haven�t cared that he�s
upset in the last week?�

�� Granger
acted like someone in Defense, turning around and raising her wand right away.
A Shield Charm spread over her. Draco kept his snort to himself as much as
possible. He was trying to be a distraction, but not get cursed. The Shield Charm
had a flaw, though, right down near the bottom, that someone could get through.
Granger spends too much time on theory
and not enough on the practicals.

�� Shove off,
Malfoy,� Weasley said, and turned red enough that he would probably die of asphyxiation
and blame it on Draco. �No one has to listen to a word you say.�

�� Yes, you
do,� Harry said. He sounded better�more, Draco realized with a little blink,
like Professor Snape. He walked back down the corridor until he was standing next
to Draco, and Weasley just stood there and let him do it. Harry put his arm
around Draco�s shoulders and said, �Look, are you ready to talk about this?�

�� I don�t
see what we can talk about,� Granger said, lowering the Shield Charm but
speaking with that marble tone in her voice that Draco had seen hurt Harry in
the middle of every class he had with the both of them. �You�re still dating someone who wishes I was dead,
Harry. That�s a bit hard to get over.� She gave Draco a glance so hard that he
could have bounced diamonds off it.

�� Harry
opened his mouth, but Draco touched his cheek and shook his head. Harry looked
at him. Draco nodded, trying to silently tell Harry that he�d prefer to be the
one who spoke up and told them that he�d changed.

�� Among other
things, that would let him decide how honest he wanted to be about it.

�� I don�t
wish you were dead anymore,� he told Granger. �Not because I think you�re a
great and shining example of a person, but because your death would hurt Harry.�

�� Granger
looked at him hard. Draco looked back, having no need to make his face
innocent. He had said what he really felt, and it was up to her if she liked it
or not.

�� That�s
like you, Malfoy,� she said at last. �You�re only doing it because you care
about Harry, not because�� And then she stopped, and the most ridiculous
expression of consternation came over her face.

�� Draco
laughed at her. �Yes, that�s a little hard to despise me for when you think
that I care about Harry, isn�t it?� he asked her.

�� Granger
shook her head, apparently unable to speak for the moment, but Weasley soon
supplied her deficiency. �I don�t think you do,� he said, eyes squinted so much
that it was impossible to see them. �What have you done for the past five years
but hurt us? You were part of the Inquisitorial
Squad last year, Malfoy. There�s nothing you could have done more clearly
to say that you were evil, and that was the end of it.�

�� Draco
winced. It would have been easier, in some ways, if Weasley had yelled insults
about his parents and in other ways made himself look rude. Draco would have
known how to answer that. It was harder to answer these cruel but clear words.

�� Which is undoubtedly the reason that Weasley
made his accusations in this way.

�� I was,� he said. �That�s the key word.
That was last year. I did change, and Harry was a big part of that change.�
Granger was leaning forwards now, staring at him in disbelief. Draco tried to
ignore the way that it made him feel like a captive specimen in one of
Professor Snape�s jars. �If he�s going to date me, I know that I can�t be that
way anymore. And I was thinking about blood, and how it didn�t matter to me as
much as it used to. When Harry rescued me, he wasn�t doing it because he was my
cousin, or because he was my brother, or because he�d been raised with me and
felt some kind of obligation. It was just because he cared. If I�m not defined
by blood, well, maybe some other people aren�t, either.� He wasn�t going to
talk about his parents to Weasley and Granger the way he had to Harry; there
was a limit to how much self-exposure he was willing to do.

�� You can�t
have changed your mind that way,� Weasley said. �Not so quickly.�

�� The way that Professor Snape couldn�t have
accepted his son or Harry couldn�t have fallen in love with me? Draco
wanted to snap, but he knew that Harry would be hurt if he did that. So he did
his best to take a deep breath and answer honestly instead of angrily.

�� Why not?
Haven�t you changed your mind fairly fast sometimes? But in this case, Harry
also helped rescue my mother and helped me when my father died. That makes a
difference. I�ve been thinking, that�s
all. I might not like you. But I won�t go out of my way to hex you, or insult
you, or wish that you were dead. Take that for what you will.� He was proud of
the way he finished. He sounded very calm and mature.

�� Granger and
Weasley stood there like statues, as if his refusal to play the game the way
they wanted�and the way, Draco had to admit, that he�d wanted to�had turned
them to stone. Then Granger stirred and shook her head. �I don�t believe you,�
she said, but her voice was small and shocked and Draco knew that his speaking
like this had made a difference to her. �I don�t have to listen to you.�

�� Then I don�t
have to listen to you, either,� Draco said, losing his temper in a sudden rush.
I tried, and this is the way they decided
to answer me. �If you tell me that you�re a better person and that you�re
Harry�s best friend and that he should stop dating me, I don�t have to believe
you.�

�� Granger
clenched her fists down. �You thought I should die,� she said. �You despise
people like me.�

�� Draco
looked at her steadily. He�d always thought that Granger was smarter than
Weasley, but it appeared that she was just as good at being oblivious when she
didn�t like the words she was hearing. �I�m learning not to.�

�� Granger
shut her eyes. Her mouth was trembling.

�� I don�t
like you,� Weasley said. �I don�t trust you.� He leaned forwards, as if he
could get around Draco somehow and see Harry alone. Since Harry and Draco were
standing exactly side-by-side, that didn�t work, but he acted as if it did.

�� Harry,� he
whispered, �remember the time he dressed up as a Dementor and tried to scare
you?�

�� Remember
the times we rowed,� Harry said, his voice flat and emotionless, �and you
decided to act like I wasn�t your best friend anymore?�

�� Weasley
frowned. �But I said I was sorry.�

�� Draco said
the same.� Harry shook his head when Weasley tried to speak. �You don�t have to believe him right now. That�s
fine. It�ll take time. I can�t blame you for taking the time when we are, too.�
Draco felt a flare of excitement at the word we and the casual squeeze that Harry gave his shoulder, as if he
took their standing together almost for granted. �But you won�t be able to
separate us. So stop trying to convince me that he�s evil. It�s insulting, and
it wastes your time and mine.�

�� He turned
and walked away down the corridor. Draco followed him, glancing over his
shoulder. Granger stood deep in thought, staring at the floor. Weasley was
talking to her, or maybe himself, shaking his head, but Draco couldn�t hear
what he was saying.

�� Thank you.�

�� Draco
looked back at Harry, and smiled. Harry still looked too pale and exhausted,
but less upset than he had. �Are you all right?�

�� Not yet,�
Harry said. �Better.� Then he leaned in and kissed Draco until he was panting
and breathless, and he might have done more if someone hadn�t cleared his
throat gently behind them.

�� Draco would
have given a great deal if, when he turned around, almost anyone except Dumbledore
had been standing there.

��

*

�� MewMew2:
Thank you!

�� k lave
demo: �Ron�s teaspoon issues� made me burst out laughing.

�� Harry is
struggling to understand, but he requires a lot of reassurance, and, at the
same time, not too much, lest he think that Snape was being less than sincere.

�� polka dot: Yes,
and with Harry knowing how much it hurts, he probably isn�t going to like it
any more than you like the flu shot.

�� sarah:
Thanks!

�� Mr. Galion:
But not for long!

�� KadyRae:
Thanks!

�� At this
point, Harry has no intention of changing his last name even if they do tell
everyone. He likes his name, and he�s pretty attached to the thought of
honoring James even if he doesn�t call him blood father anymore.

�� Thrnbrooke:
Thanks for reviewing.

�� Sneakyfox:
Thanks!

�� daisyplayer:
Thanks! Harry is not entirely comfortable with the caring, which is why he
keeps questioning Snape the way he does. But Snape gave him a lot to think
about in this latest conversation.

�� anciie: But
I made it cryptic on purpose!

�� It isn�t
entirely time. Snape had to test the potion first. But it will be soon.
- 35
- 36
- 37
You need to be logged in to leave a review for this story.You need to be logged in to leave a review for this story.
Report Story

Practicing Liars