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Changing of the Guard	By : Lomonaaeren Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Draco Views: 58627 -:- Recommendations : 4 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 36
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Thanks again for all the reviews!

Chapter
Thirty-Seven�Shatter

�� I�ve never
known you to dance that well.�

�� Harry kept
his eyes half-closed as he leaned against the tree to which Draco had guided
him. His smile was lazy and carefree and a masterpiece of deceit. �We�ve only
danced together twice before this,� he said. �You don�t have much of a basis
for comparison.� He straightened then and opened his eyes fully, despite the
fact that doing so made it more likely Draco would figure out something was
wrong. He seemed able to tell Harry was lying when he looked him in the face.
On the other hand, hiding his expression would be an even surer indicator.

�� Things would be so much simpler if I didn�t
have to lie to him.

�� But telling
the truth about Ron�s appearance at the party would mean that Draco would
change his mind on Harry�s ability to confront his friends alone, and he would
demand to come along. And then Harry would have to refuse the request, and that
would hurt Draco further, and put distrust between them that hadn�t existed
before.

�� This is the only way, said a voice that
might have been Gerald�s, or Elizabeth�s, or Horace�s. It won�t be for long. If you need help after you�ve confronted Ron or
Hermione, you can always owl him then.

�� Still.�
Draco stretched out a hand to him, face still glowing softly, as if with the
reflected light of the moon. �That was something special, wasn�t it?�

�� Harry
brushed the center of Draco�s palm with two fingers, and thought of the way
they�d whirled around each other on the dance floor, briefly dependent on each
other for existence, brilliant because of and for each other, like two binary
stars. He nodded.

�� Let�s get
some food,� Draco said, and slung an arm around his shoulders, and walked him
towards the benches.

�� Various
people stopped them on the way. They had questions, complaints, suggestions for
further plans, praise for Harry and Draco�s dancing and for the way Harry had
guarded the gap in the wards. Harry let his mouth and one small part of his
brain deal with them. The majority of his mind was occupied with ways he could
cushion the blow of the confrontation coming, the words he could speak to let
Ron and Hermione understand how sorry he was whilst still preserving his own
position. Giving up his relationship with Draco simply to please them was
impossible, but he was prepared to say farewell to a good many other things.

�� God, I love them. I�ve lied to them for
years, and avoided their company when it meant they might find out my secrets,
and not felt free to speak of things I�ve said to other people without thought,
but so much of that was because I love them and it would kill me to lose them.

�� Maybe he
could say just that, and it would be enough. He was convinced Hermione would be
the reasonable one, at least, and restrain Ron. Even if she had given that
spell to Ron to prove that Harry was under an enchantment, she�d probably
reckoned it would fail. But Ron would need magical proof before he consented to
listen to Harry�s reasons.

�� The rest of
the evening proceeded softly and sedately outside Harry�s head. Within, he
built strongholds, chose and then discarded words, looked at memories and recoiled
from them, all the time trying to soften what he knew he could only endure.

*

�� He�d
arrived back at Grimmauld Place twenty minutes ago and managed to convince
Draco, with a well-placed yawn or two and a wobble on his unlocking spell, that
he was suffering from magical exhaustion and needed to sleep alone to recover.
He�d removed the dark green robes, chosen some of the patched, fading Muggle
clothes he was more likely to wear around his friends, and sent an owl to Ron
and Hermione saying he had something important to tell them.

�� Now he was
pacing the study he�d chosen for the meeting and trying to listen to anything
other than the crazed beat of his heart. There�d once been an annoying clock in
this room that he�d told Kreacher to remove because the tick interfered with
his reading. He would have been grateful for its presence now. He opened his
mouth to order Kreacher to remove it from storage, then turned around when a whoosh from the fireplace announced the
opening of his Floo connection.

�� Harry
braced himself with a hand on the back of the couch. Maybe he wouldn�t tremble
so badly when he had support.

�� Hair
appeared in the fire, turning bushy and brown as it moved outside the green
flames. Hermione stood up, shook soot from her robes, and turned to assist Ron.
Harry was glad she hadn�t looked at him immediately.

�� On the
other hand, that was a bad sign, wasn�t it, just like their long silence was a
bad sign? Hermione usually wanted to confront a problem as soon as she could,
and castigated Ron and Harry when they avoided talking. Harry winced and
shuffled his feet, then bit his tongue when his throat tried to release a
moaning noise without his permission.

�� Ron kept
his eyes on the floor. He was unnaturally quiet, which Harry could welcome only
because it wouldn�t mean shouting. Hermione whispered to him for a moment, then
embraced him with one arm and looked straight at Harry.

�� There was
pity so intense in her eyes that Harry had to glance away.

�� Two of the
most important things you already know,� he made himself say, �and you�ve known
for a few days now. I�ve dating Draco Malfoy, and I�m involved in the rebellion
to ensure the rights of gay wizards and witches.�

�� Ron swung
his head up. He looked haunted, as though the sleep spell Harry had cast on him
had given him nightmares. �And isn�t that enough?�
he said. His voice was at normal volume, but so filled with hurt Harry began to
flinch and found he couldn�t stop. He
would have been hurt worse if I had let Draco come with me, Harry thought,
but he could not make himself believe it. �Harry�why? If you had to date
someone, couldn�t you do it discreetly? And if you had to date another bloke,
did it have to be Draco Malfoy?� He rubbed his cheek, where a bruise was
forming, and looked wistfully at Harry.

�� Harry
licked his lips. �No,� he said. �I was tired of lying, of hiding who I was��

�� But it�s
worked for ten years!� Ron exclaimed. �Not so much as a hint of a buggering for
ten years! If it worked for that long, why couldn�t it work for longer?�

�� Harry felt
anger flare to life in him like the fire flaring in the hearth to let Ron and
Hermione through, and immediately suppressed it. If his best friend wasn�t
yelling at him, he wouldn�t be one to yell, either. �Because the reason I kept
quiet was out of guilt,� he said. �Guilt for failing Ginny in the first place,
guilt because I couldn�t live the kind of open life I wanted without publicity
following me everywhere but I should have been brave enough to risk it, guilt
because I was doing the easy thing
and not the thing my conscience most insisted on. Recently, I began to realize
that I shouldn�t feel guilt for something I can�t help.�

�� You can�t
help your orientation,� said Hermione. Her voice was quiet, sad, but
nonjudgmental. Harry looked at her. He could see hurt in her eyes as there was
in Ron�s, but it didn�t seem as deep or as personal. Well, women often didn�t
feel the same way about gay men as straight men did; Harry had noticed that. �But
you can help your behavior. Why didn�t you come
to me, Harry? I could have helped you set it up so you emerged into a mood
of acceptance. It would have taken longer than the rebellion you�re organizing
now, but it would also have had less of a chance of getting people killed.�

�� Because
it�s not just personal anymore,� said Harry. �I didn�t want to emerge and be an
anomaly, tolerated as gay because I was the Boy-Who-Lived.� He leaned forwards,
striving to call up memories now, seeking the light of them in Hermione�s eyes.
His eighteenth year was not as painful to remember as his nineteenth. �Besides,
do you remember what happened when the war ended and the press swarmed
Hogwarts? I don�t think you could have made much of a dent in that.�

��

�� The way
you�re acting now, anyone would think you�d planned for the greatest public
exposure possible,� Ron muttered.

�� I did.�

�� Silence, so
thick and heavy that Harry could feel it pressing on his shoulders as a
physical weight. Hermione was nodding, but Ron burst out, �Why? That�s what I don�t understand. You didn�t care for ten years.
Why now? Why now?� He ran his hand
through his hair in agitation, and Harry was absurdly glad to see how well he
moved. That fall after the sleep spell took him had not really hurt him, then. �And
why Malfoy?�

�� Malfoy was
the one who got me involved in the rebellion,� Harry said. Telling the simple
truth behind his actions was easier than explaining his motivations. �He wanted
to come out as gay to get his father to disown him��

�� That makes
no sense.�

�� If you
knew him as I know him, it would,� Harry said, striving to sound unruffled.
�And I hope you�ll have the chance to learn to tolerate each other.�

�� I don�t
want to,� said Ron, but it was a mutter and not a yell, and Harry dared to hope
that his friend would be amenable to the idea. Eventually.

�� He
respected my decision to remain behind glamours�� And then Harry stopped,
because this was the story he had told to Therris and other reporters and
Nusante�s group, but it was not the story as it had actually happened. To
reveal the full truth meant revealing the third secret he had to tell them.

�� Absently,
he looked around the study. There was a faint buzzing noise in his ears. Had
Kreacher hidden the clock somewhere in the room instead of getting rid of it?
Sometimes he indulged in such small rebellions, not because he disagreed with
Harry�s orders, but because he could convince himself the Black home looked better
with the original artifacts more nearly in their natural place.

�� He had told
Draco the truth. He loved Draco. He loved his friends, and not less than he
loved Draco. They deserved to know the full truth as well.

�� One, two, three, he thought, clinging to
the passing moments before he would have to speak as long as he could. But when
they passed, he began speaking, clearly so Ron and Hermione could understand
him, but fast enough that they shouldn�t have a chance to interrupt him. Break
off this recitation, and he was not sure he could begin again.

�� We
originally met because he went to Metamorphosis and hired me.� He looked Ron in
the eye, then Hermione. �I assume you�ve heard of it?� He didn�t wait for
acknowledgment, though for some reason Ron�s eyes were widening whilst Hermione
only frowned lightly. �I had no way of knowing which actor he would choose, but
he chose a persona I created that was very similar to me in personality, and
even appearance. So I played Brian Montgomery for a little while. And then I
came out, and we adapted. He�d already learned I was Harry Potter by that time,
though, and learned about my connection to Metamorphosis.�

�� You own
it, don�t you?� Hermione asked softly.

�� Harry
swallowed. �That�s why you stayed silent so long,� he said. �You were doing
research on Metamorphosis and trying to find out who actually ran it.�

�� Yes,�
Hermione said. �It�s hard. You were secretive.� She didn�t smile. �But I
remembered that you�d been interested in studying Transfiguration and glamours
that last year we spent at Hogwarts, and I picked up other hints you�d dropped
during the years, and I remembered questions you�d asked Bill about setting up
false Gringotts accounts and creating good paper trails. It didn�t bother me
when you asked those questions. You deserved your privacy from the public, and
the Daily Prophet doesn�t need to
know every little thing you spend your money on.� She drew in a quivering
breath. �But it was for Metamorphosis, wasn�t it? How many of the actors are
you, Harry? Two? Ten? Twenty?�

�� Ron was
glancing back and forth between them as if lost, but Harry couldn�t spare the
time to attend to his mystification. He was still riding the high tide of that
courage he would have to pay for later. He held Hermione�s gaze, and said, �All
of them.�

�� Hermione�s
eyes filled with tears. They fell quietly down her face and dropped off her
chin. She made no attempt to stop them. Harry braced both hands on the back of
the couch this time and concentrated hard. He had to hear any words his friends
spoke past the whirlwind that had come to occupy his head.

�� Oh,
Harry,� Hermione whispered. �You�re sick, so sick and you don�t even know it.�

�� Harry had
to fight to keep from sinking to the floor. This had been the reaction he�d
known and feared from Hermione for years, even when he dared to hint at
concealing his features under a glamour or going into the Muggle world on a
lesser scale. She said she understood
his need for privacy, but when he actually took some steps to secure it, she
disapproved of them and thought he should go out unshielded and just somehow
deal with the storm that fell on him when he did so.

�� The spark
of anger caught and began to burn in spite of Harry�s best intentions. He heard
himself breathing, so loud and so noisy that it sounded like sobs, but it
wasn�t, yet, and he wouldn�t let it become crying. He would not shed tears. He had done enough weeping.

�� Why?� he
demanded. �It�s kept me sane for years. It�s a challenge, a game. I can become
anyone I want, produce any effect I want. That�s something I can never do as
Harry Potter, where all shades of gray vanish from anyone�s mind the minute
they hear my name.� Hermione was shaking her head, but she hadn�t said anything
to oppose him, so Harry went on, his voice growing louder and harsher as he did
so. �I control the nuances, the
reactions. That�s all I wanted to do. I can pass for normal if I want to, or
extraordinary in a way that I choose,
or eccentric, or much older than my actual age, or��

�� You wanted
to play hundreds of people?� Ron asked. He wasn�t dumb, but he did seem to
absorb revelations more slowly than Hermione did.

�� Yes,�
Harry said.

�� That�s�mate,
that�s mad.�

�� And what
would you know about it?� Harry
demanded, his anger frightening him now, because it was growing and he didn�t
know if he would be able to restrain it, even with the help of the merciless
voice. �You�ve been able to do what you want, largely. You were feted as a war
hero, but that ended, and you dated Hermione like a normal person and got
married like a normal person and passed your Auror training like a normal
person. You fought bravely in the war, but that�s not the only thing anyone
remembers about you. Your life went on past
the day when Voldemort died. Mine didn�t, because no one would let it go on. I refused to be tied down
to the conception everyone had of me, that�s all. I made lives for myself. I�m
good. I�m careful. Metamorphosis only handles one case at a time, as I�m sure
you know. I retire personas on a regular basis, and some of them only exist on
paper. I keep them separate from the real me in my head. I�m not losing
anything. I�m creating it.�

�� The words
sounded better than Harry had expected, because he hadn�t practiced them. They
were the thoughts he�d had for years. They sounded free and good and strong and
brave and proud, and he finished with his heart beating hard enough to ruffle
the cloth of his shirt and his hands trembling and his body feeling lighter and
more hollow than it had at any point in his life.

�� And then
Ron spoke.

�� You did
have a chance to be normal,� he said flatly. �If you could really create
personas that did anything, why didn�t you create one that was straight and
could marry Ginny? You said you didn�t want to hide any more, to lie, but
Harry, you�ve been hiding and lying for ten
fucking years. Ten years!� He was yelling now, stalking forwards until he
almost passed Hermione, but she touched his shoulder and he held back even if
he didn�t calm down. �And then when you do
come out, Draco bloody Malfoy is
the first one to know and not one of us! God, I don�t� I don�t even have the words for all the ways you�ve betrayed
us�� He broke off, choking with pain and anger, and put his hands over his
face.

�� Harry felt
part of the firm ground on which he�d stood for so long crack like rotten ice.

�� Why was
Malfoy the first one to know?� Hermione whispered, her voice fragile for the
first time. �Why not us?�

�� Harry
closed his eyes. He could hear earthquakes if he concentrated. He was trying
not to hear them. �He forced the truth out of me. Or, rather, he figured out I
was Brian, and then I told him I was Metamorphosis. I�I�d hurt him. I owed him
the truth��

�� But not us, I suppose?� Ron�s words were muffled
because he still had his hands over his face.

�� I did�I
was going to��

�� Not soon
enough, mate,� Ron whispered, and turned his back, slumping against the mantle
with his head resting on his arms.

�� There were
so many things wrong with your life the last ten years, Harry,� Hermione said,
her eyes large and yearning. �You could have told me you were struggling with
being gay. I would have helped. You could have told me you liked Malfoy, were falling
in love with him, even. I would have helped.�

�� When I
tried to tell you about why I wanted to hide behind Transfigurations and
glamours in that last year at Hogwarts, you didn�t want to help,� Harry
snapped, desperate to clutch at his anger and use it as a defense against the
shattering that was coming. It approached on soft feet, but he could hear it.
It surrounded him like the rumors of a snowfall, far-off yet but there,
persistent.

�� That�s wrong,� Hermione said firmly. �It�s all
wrong for the kind of person you are��

�� You have
no bloody idea who I am anymore!� Harry shouted.

�� Hermione
went white. Ron stilled his trembling, but didn�t turn around. Hermione reached
out a hand as if she would touch him, and then let it drop.

�� I�ve shown
you a mask for ten years, too,� Harry went on. He should stop. He knew he
should stop. But like tearing a scab, pulling it away and showing the old and
bloody wound underneath, he was past the first few moments of care, given in to
impulse, and couldn�t have ceased his own painful digging if Draco had been
present. �I gave you what you needed, because that was what I didn�t do for
Ginny and George and Neville and all those other people after the war, I
couldn�t give them what they bloody needed,
but I learned, I learned, all right? And I got good at it. You�ve known a Harry
for the last ten years, someone hardly anyone else got to see, but it wasn�t
me. All of them are me and not-me. But that one is closer to the part of me
that I despise, the part of me I hate,
because he failed people again and again and again and again and again and
again and��

�� Harry,�
Hermione said. �Harry, be quiet. Please, be quiet.�

�� I�m on the edge of hysteria, Harry�s
mind said in Horace�s voice. He shut his mouth hard and breathed through his
teeth. Then he said, �I beg your pardon. But what I said is true, and being
quiet won�t make it a lie. This is the truth, Hermione. This is everything I
am. The man who could decide to make a leap into public as gay because he
couldn�t take the hiding any longer and because Draco�s courage inspired him.
The man who fell in love with the schoolyard bully who used to torment his best
friends. The man who changes names and faces like other people change their
moods. And all of it is
non-negotiable. I won�t give up Draco or the rebellion because you don�t like
him or Ron thinks being gay is disgusting��

�� I don�t!�
Ron swung around again, and his face was streaked with tears and snot. �I
just�do you have to do it in public,
Harry?�

�� Funny,�
Harry said. �That�s the exact sort of attitude Lucius Malfoy has, only he�s a
little more honest about it.�

�� Ron looked
at the floor. His shoulders were set and weary.

�� I�m in
love with Draco,� Harry said, staring at Hermione now. �I won�t give him up. I
won�t let you abuse him. I won�t let you drive him away. He�s mine, and I�m
his, and he�s changed my life for the better, and I don�t want to choose
between you��

�� I won�t
make you,� Hermione said. �But. Harry.�

�� Harry
tensed up again. He had had a single blissful moment of relaxation when
Hermione had spoken the first four words. �What?� he demanded.

�� Metamorphosis
is wrong,� Hermione said. �No one can sustain that many personalities
indefinitely. It�ll fracture you. I think it already has, since you thought you
needed a mask to lie to us.� Harry
opened his mouth to argue that Ron�s dislike of homosexuality had in part made
that necessary, but Hermione simply continued, voice quiet and very adult. �Being
gay isn�t wrong, and I�ll take your word for it that you�re in love with
Malfoy. But I�m going to go to St. Mungo�s and tell the Mind-Healers about
Metamorphosis, because I don�t think I can make you stop on my own.�

�� Heart,
blood, breath, mind, soul, they all froze. And then they shattered.

�� Out of the
swirling chaos into which he�d been dropped, Harry heard Brian�s voice say,
�Hermione, please don�t do this.�

�� I�m sorry,
Harry.� And she did look sorry, but also queenly and proud and calm. �It�s not
good for you. I won�t make you choose between Metamorphosis and us, because
that would be a stupid move, like making you choose between Dark magic and us.
I�m going to get you help for your problem. I�m going to see you healthy
again.�

�� Hermione.�
That was Elizabeth, her words, but not her voice, so they wouldn�t know.
�Please. I need this.�

�� You don�t,
Harry. You only think you do.� Hermione put a hand on Ron�s shoulder and guided
him to the fireplace. �We�ll talk more later. Probably tomorrow.�

�� And then
she and Ron were gone, and she hadn�t lifted a hand to stop them. Well, how
could she? They were her friends.

�� One of her
personas� friends.

�� Friends
Harry had depended on and loved and cherished for ten years, friends he�d taken
a risk for, and friends who had done the one thing that he had most feared they
would do.

�� Confined. Forced into one person. My art
taken away, my experiences, my strengths, my security, my job, my livelihood,
my lives.

�� He was
running. He knew it was upstairs he was running, but not in which direction.
The air around him bloomed with the chatter of voices soon to be silenced, a thousand
living people who clung to him and cried in fear.

�� Until�

�� Unless�

�� Unless�

�� Until�

�� Unless he did something to stop it.

�� There was
smooth wood beneath his hand, and he didn�t hesitate, because all was lost
anyway, wasn�t it? He had lost Ron and Hermione unless he wanted to magically
coerce them, which was no keeping at all, and he would lose Draco when Draco
found out he�d lied and that Harry�s personas were a sickness. He�d wanted to
know all of Harry�s personas. They were going to die. He couldn�t know them.

�� Voldemort,�
a voice said. �Nagini.�

*

�� avihenda,
Mangacat: Thanks for reviewing!

�� Broomrider949:
I also feel bad for Ron. This really isn�t easy for him. He loves Harry.

�� SP777:
Thank you! With Harry�s intense need not to hurt people, I think non-violent
violence made sense.

�� qwerty: Ron
makes it into a public/private divide in his own mind. That�s why part of this
is Harry�s fault. If Harry had forced him to confront the fact that Harry is
gay years ago, Ron would have had to get over his beliefs.

�� And thanks
very much!

�� Lunatic
with a hero complex: Unfortunately, Harry�s fear of what Draco will do if he
discovers the deception is destroying him now as surely as Draco actually doing
so.

�� Lola:
Thanks! If the motivations are too murky, just ask; I�ll be happy to explain
them (at least if they�re from chapters already posted).

�� 70_Sol_Laen:
At the moment, Harry is having more trouble coming to terms with how violently
Hermione disapproves of his personas.

�� Nigellica:
Thanks! That was the kind of reaction I wanted to create with Ron�s character.

�� FallenAngel1129:
Hermione doesn�t disapprove of Harry being gay, but she has her own hang-ups.

�� BloodyRoseBlack:
Harry has a lot of sorrow from external sources at the moment.

�� gennastar: Thank
you! I think any movement for any sort of greater human rights will be composed
of many different kinds of people, which is one reason that not everyone is
motivated identically here.

�� Yume111: I�m
afraid I can�t comment on what Harry�s core problem/persona is at the moment.
Hermione�s is one view of the problem, Draco�s another, Harry�s another still.

�� Harry loves
his friends, and has feared for ten years that he will lose them. That�s why he
reacted by vomiting. He thinks the process has started.

�� I don�t
think Harry is necessarily right about deceiving Draco, no. On the other hand,
the confrontation might have gone better for Harry if Draco was there, but worse
for Ron, Hermione, and Harry�s relationship.

�� Draco thought
he could trust Harry now. Thus he relaxed his guard.

�� Christabell:
Thank you! I like Slytherin-type characters, but I�m even more interested in
how they function in day-to-day life, not just their grand plans.

�� Hi-chan:
Probably not good at all.

�� HpFanficFan:
Thanks! Ron�s stance is very understandable, I think. There are many people who
hold a certain set of beliefs but don�t treat the people in their lives who
might believe differently harshly, so it can be just the same as if they didn�t
have those beliefs at all. And I don�t think you can blame Ron and Hermione for
not accepting Harry when they hadn�t a clue that he wanted them to accept him.
Harry was too good a liar, and now they�re mostly hurt about the lies, not the
fact that he�s gay.

�� SoftObsidian74:
I do hope this chapter does a good job of explaining Ron and Hermione�s
silence.

�� You may be
right about Nusante. He really does care about his friends and the rebellion,
though, so hopefully he can step up for them.

�� That�s an
interesting speculation on Gerald. So far as Harry is concerned, Gerald is part
of the �strong� set of personas because he can think and plan even while the �real�
Harry is reacting under adverse emotional circumstances.

�� I�m very
glad you liked the spells.

�� Thrnbrooke:
Here it is!
- 36
- 37
- 38
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Changing of the Guard