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You Will Not Kiss Me	By : Prosperosdaughter Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Snape/Remus Views: 22836 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 2
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Chapter List
- 36
- 37
- 38
Chapter 37: Articulated Fears

It was a bitterly cold day in Hogsmeade. Snape was in the Apothecary's ordering ingredients for his December brewing schedule. Now was the time to stock up for all the Potion remedies for the cold months ahead. As the old, stooped Apothecary collected all the different ingredients from around the shop, Snape idly perused the shelves, including the sections with seasonal additions for pet care and personal gifts.

His eyes stopped on a particular seasonal package. He briefly took in that there was no-one else around and quickly read the label. Really? Surely not. So taken was he by the idea, he did not see the Apothecary return.

"It's extraordinary what the youngsters get up to nowadays, isn't it, Professor Snape?" the old man commented nodding his head to one of the sections. "My Florence, blessed be her eternal rest, always said it was best to lie back and think of the twelve uses of dragon's blood," he wheezed a dusty laugh.

"Indeed," croaked Snape, unnerved that the Apothecary had shared such a great deal about himself in one sentence that Snape would have happily lived his whole life without knowing. He mentally made a note of the brand and owl order details, and continued ordering his school supplies.

Snape spent a long time explaining to Dumbledore his discussions with Lupin, and Miss Tonks's observations, as well as his last run-in with Moody.

"So you need me to arrange for Alastor to visit your classroom? Well, that is simple enough. I will ask him to search your class room and office."

Snape's brow furrowed. "Why on earth would you degrade me like that? It merely gives him fodder to continue to treat me badly, Albus!" Snape cried in annoyance. Sometimes, Albus could be malicious, especially if challenged.

"Because I have already told you that I trust Alastor Moody, Severus, as much as I trust you," Dumbledore said firmly.

"And I do not believe that this man is Alastor Moody, Albus!" Snape shouted, then exhaled sharply and spoke in a more measured manner. "That is the point I am making. It is not about Alastor Moody's trustworthiness."

"Very well, Severus. However, it is still a plausible reason for Moody to enter your classroom and office. If you are right, then he will not think it is - as they say in the Muggle world – a set up," Dumbledore smiled at his own humour. "One evening this week then. Are there any detention nights that should be avoided?"

"Not as yet," Snape clipped in annoyance as he swept out of the Headmaster's study.

Moody didn't even try to suppress his manic glee as he limped heavily down the dungeon corridors, stabbing at the stone floor with his staff. Snape heard him approach and waited by his desk, his wand in hand, ready with a full body bind on his lips, and to call Dumbledore to exorcise the possessed man as soon as the possession was revealed.

He felt his pulse quicken and his heart rate sped up along with his breathing, and his adrenaline started to pump in anticipation of his vindication. He flexed is fingers repeatedly around his wand so they were not too tight.

Moody burst through Snape's doors, snarling, "Headmaster wants yer office searched, Snape! Surprised he hasn't asked me before, frankly," he growled as he marched heavily and unevenly through Snape's classroom, barging past Snape, to his office door.

Snape stared in horror at the threshold of the door. The runes were silent. They did not glow. Not even so much as a glimmer or a wink! He advanced on his own door slowly, his wand raised to check the runes, impervious to the ruckus in his office and Moody threw books, papers and parchments to the floor with impunity, growling and snarling as his continued search brought forth no revelations.

The runes were intact. Snape checked them again and again. He steadied himself on one had against one of the student desks and exhaled heavily. Wrong, just plain wrong!

"Don't ya want to keep an eye on me, Snape!" Moody hollered from his office. "I could be plantin' all manner of Dark materials in yer office." Moody barked an unpleasant laugh. Snape composed himself and went into the office to behold all of his papers strewn across the floor, with the students' parchments in disarray. He supposed he should be grateful that nothing was broken, including the students' phials of potions he had yet to check.

Moody stood there, both arms resting on his staff, his wand held loosely in his hand, both eyes boring into Snape, empty handed by clearly exultant in his power over Snape.

"Well, I can't find anything. I expect a werewolf's bitch like you is used to covering yer tracks. Ha! But I've got my eye on ya, Snape," Moody snarled malevolently. "You know it. My eye is never far from you." He pushed past Snape and stomped out of his office and classroom and Snape listened as his uneven tread eventually faded from his hearing.

Well, Dumbledore had his victory and Snape was humiliated once more. Snape slumped in his chair, his head in one hand, wondering how he had got it so very, very wrong.

The full moon was on the Sunday, one week before Christmas. Snape had made arrangements to join Lupin straight after breakfast and that they would spend two full days together, with Snape returning to the school after breakfast on the Tuesday for the run-up to Christmas.

They had met in the morning. It was in the morning that Lupin was weak, and Snape enjoyed his time taking care of him. They went for a gentle walk in the forest before lunch, and talked of the failed revelation casting and what it could mean.

"I know of no charm under which the Dark Lord could maintain Moody's appearance continuously. Possession was the only method that would work. Perhaps, you and I have to accept that Moody simply loathes me so much he would compromise his clearly long-held principles of tolerance and equality when it comes to me to ensure that I suffer. After all, I was a Death Eater. I am less than dirt to him," Snape said with as much equanimity as he could muster.

Lupin was subdued, and as they walked, he leant quite heavily on Snape as the moon drew on his bones and muscles. "I can't accept him treating you that way; not when I've known him for so many years. Even if he doesn't know who your mate is, I can't believe he would make both suffer so. It requires a malignancy of thought I don't ascribe to Alastor."

"'It was once my job to think as Dark wizards do,'" Snape repeated to Lupin. "That is what Moody said to Karkaroff."

"Be that as it may, I still am uneasy with it," Lupin nodded and his mouth became a thin line of concern and resignation as they walked slowly back to their room. "It feels terribly wrong. After Christmas, when I come to see you, I will try to speak with him." Just before they reached the retreat building, Lupin stopped and looked about them.

"I want to transform in the forest, Severus," Lupin said quietly, his nose scenting the air delicately. "Can we do that? Together?"

"If you wish," Snape said quietly, fairly sure that an actual transformation in the forest would make the transformation less painful. More and more, Snape was coming to understand that the closer Lupin could be to the true nature of his curse, the less pain he had to endure. How enticing that must be for the werewolf – was it surprising so many chose not to fetter themselves as Lupin had done, heroically, to Snape's mind?

They settled back into their room and Snape had a light lunch although Lupin did not wish to eat anything. After lunch, Snape lay on the top of the bed with Lupin curled up next to him, with his head on Snape's midriff. At Lupin's suggestion, they were naked, although they did little more than caress each other lightly. Lupin fell asleep and Snape read a book Lupin had on curse-breaking, holding Lupin to him as he read.

Snape had wondered at what point the moon would fire Lupin's passion to overcome his weakened body. It was barely an hour. Lupin awoke, looking refreshed and strong and large, his grasp on Snape's waist suddenly strengthening. He took the book from Snape and drew himself over him to cover him. It was that sudden. In that instant, Snape was assailed by Lupin's overwhelming animal presence once more and he was taken wholly and completely in the bruising manner of the wolf that Snape yearned for.

Once their bodies settled down, and Snape had re-focused, they both dressed for the bitter December night. Snape took his pain relief potion and enlarged his broomstick. Lupin had asked to transform in the clearing. Snape mounted the broom, and Lupin sat behind him with his arms around his waist and his head resting on his back. Snape felt protective and powerful, as his mate shared his broom with him, just like Lily used to all those years ago.

They flew gently through the giant pines, savouring the winter smells and sharp, crisp air, stinging their eyes and lungs, occasionally banking gently as Lupin directed Snape to his desired destination.

They arrived with a little time to spare. Lupin undressed quickly and Snape shrunk his clothes into a small parcel which he pocketed along with Lupin's wand and wrapped Lupin in the folds of his heavy woollen travelling cloak and then wrapped his own warm body around Lupin's shivering frame.

Snape felt the tug to his stomach but only released his own hold slightly on Lupin. His body didn't lose contact with Lupin's at all as he transformed but moved with him fluently. Lupin keened, but he did not scream. Snape felt as if every bone that broke did so against his skin, but with more of a fluttering than cracking, a more pliable and malleable contortion than before. Could the forest make such a difference? Or was it the physical contact? He didn't know, but he knew it was far less horrific than before. Lupin's keening, became the whine of the wolf and then the howl that always followed. Not of pain this time. Snape knew it to be the triumph of a successful transformation.

As Lupin's wolf took shape and settled, Snape released his hold fully to sit before the wolf as it panted before Snape, staring directly into his eyes. The wolf stood on his hind legs, and placed its forepaws on Snape's shoulders and licked Snape's face happily, as if he were a pet and pushed him over.

"I will punish you as I would an errant pooch if you drool on me, Remus," Snape laughed as the wolf held him down, licking him happily. "A rolled up Daily Prophet? How about a training hex, hm? A nice collar?" Snape's smile was as broad as it had ever been at the antics of the wolf.

The wolf barked happily and skipped away from Snape, as if teasing him. He barked several times and then started to scent the air, as if catching something on the night air. The wolf barked again and howled to the moon. He was the first, followed by other wolves howling. The repeating chorus started and gradually decreased and then the wolf went to Snape and sat next to him to wait.

The crack of a twig alerted them. Snape looked to its direction suddenly, his wand raised and body poised to strike. The sound was wrong. The feeling was wrong. There were greedy eyes staring. He felt them. Felt the heat of them making the hairs on his body stand on end. The wolf was at his side in an instant, growling deeply, his hackles raised. There was a slight rustle in the trees. Lupin dived towards it, snarling savagely. Something flew away – something with a large wingspan but camouflaged by the trees and hidden from the moonlight. They both heard it, but it was gone now. Snape was left with a deep sense of unease, and the wolf stood arched and large, protectively next to him, snarling and growling deep in his throat at the place in the trees from whence the unknown thing fled, until the first of the other couples joined them.

Once the wolves had all chorused to the moon and greeted Lupin in their order of precedence, they all sat as they had previously, Snape lighting a fire and the human mates drawing near to talk.

Snape told them of the creature he had heard taking flight when challenged. It was Archimedes who gave him the answer.

"This is Romania, Severus. There are feral vampyrs in these forests. Not the civilised, educated and romantic vampyrs, beloved of pureblood salon parties. No, no – these are the Nosferatu – no better than their flying rodent namesake – they feed, and that is all they do. Be aware of them in this forest. Have your wand and wits about you!"

As before, when Lupin had tired of the other couples' company after a couple of hours, he called Snape to run in the moonlight, and they ran and flew together deeper into the forest than before, the wolf stopping to play and dance at Snape regularly, to howl at the moon and just to run until eventually he slowed and Snape understood that it was nearly time for moonset.

He flew down to the forest floor, and waited with the wolf for the tug to bring Lupin back to his human form. As with the night before, Snape felt and heard the difference in this reversion: gentler and less stressful on Lupin's body. As his human form set in the crystalline, bitterly cold fog of the morning, Snape wrapped Lupin to him in his cloak and, holding him tightly, Disapparated to the terrace of their room and then partially carried Lupin to the bed. Lupin held on to him, and whispered, "Don't let me go," so Snape rested them both on the bed, Lupin still curled around Snape's body under his cloak, and they slept until mid-morning.

Snape was awoken by a chill ghosting on his skin. Lupin had (he assumed by spellwork, given the lack of interruption in his sleep) undressed Snape as he had slept. He found himself quite naked, except for his travelling cloak, which was draped around them still as they lay facing each other and Lupin was kissing and caressing his neck and chest. It took Snape's breath away as his groin fired, as he delighted in Lupin's movements which showed he was supple and well. Snape sighed with contentment as Lupin's hands and mouth worked against his skin, setting it alight, as Snape's hands snaked into Lupin's hair as he ventured his head lower taking in Snape's stomach and hips languidly and lovingly until he reached Snape's fully hard cock. He licked it deliciously and then manoeuvred them both so he was underneath Snape and Snape straddled Lupin's body as Lupin licked down the length of Snape's erection,

"Why'm ... wearing .. my .. cloak?" he gasped, as every touch of Lupin's mouth shocked his shaft and body, so recently awoken. He felt Lupin's lips smile against his skin.

"I liked how safe and warm I felt with it wrapped around me, Severus," Lupin said breathily, "keep it on for me." Then he took the length of Snape's cock in his mouth, making Snape's breath hitch as he allowed Lupin to suck on him as Lupin's hands played at the base of it and around his balls, massaging him in time with his mouth and Snape's moans of pleasure, cloak forgotten, until Snape moved his hand down gently to stop Lupin, knowing he was too close and he wanted to be inside Lupin when he came.

Lupin moved himself back up the bed so he lay under Snape, who pushed Lupin's legs apart with his own, leaning in to kiss Lupin's mouth hungrily as he burned with desire he tried to suppress so he wouldn't rush, as Lupin raised himself on one elbow and flung the other around Snape's neck. As they kissed passionately and hard, Snape's hand found Lupin's opening, already slick with anticipation, and his fingers stroked and pushed into Lupin until he called out into Snape's mouth, and his head fell back in pleasure and Snape sucked greedily on Lupin's exposed neck still working his fingers so he could feel Lupin writhe wantonly beneath him.

Snape lowered himself, tucking his hands underneath Lupin's backside to cant his hips and then Lupin wrapped his legs high around Snape's waist as he aligned himself with Lupin's opening, his cock aching to penetrate Lupin's body, throbbing with his desire to possess him. He circled the tip of his erection as he watched Lupin's face, open in its longing and delight, circled until Lupin begged, "Please, Severus, please!" and pushed in to the sound of Lupin's extended moan lasting the length of Snape's deliciously slow entry into Lupin's slick, tight channel that made Snape's whole groin burn with such intensity as he embedded himself inside and Lupin's back arched, his muscles tightening on Snape further, making him gasp with want.

He stopped to steady himself, so close was he to exploding as his whole body thrummed with the heat of his desire for Lupin. He stared at Lupin's face as he rolled gently into Lupin, eliciting small sighs and gasps to fall from Lupin's lips, Lupin's eyes only leaving his when they fluttered back with pleasure as Snape's hips increased their pace and depth. He found Lupin's sweet spot quickly and, on Lupin's first cry, he drove to that place alone so make him call out incessantly what he most wanted to hear, his own cock now feeling raw with shredded nerves from the friction of Snape's pace and Lupin's tautness around him. Desperate to come, but desperate to hear Lupin cry out which made Snape harder still, he drove harder and faster against Lupin's prostate as he watched in a hot, red fug of thick and sweet desire the man writhe, and twist one grasping hand in his sheets as the other grabbed his own cock to pace in time with Snape's thrusts, and buck against him, his body now glistening with sweat and face contorting with need as he begged Snape to take him harder.

That was too much for Snape's control and he pitched into Lupin hard, barely able to control his own breathing, just wanting both of them to feel this pitch of nerve-shredding heat and passion as they bucked against each other wildly, their names loudly on each other's lips, until Snape could feel Lupin clenching mightily against him and his cry became hoarse and delirious as he came hard over his stomach, and Snape was overcome by his own fierce orgasm tearing from him straight after, pulsing hard into Lupin as he could hold himself up no more and sagged his full weight onto Lupin, both struggling to breathe as the cloak enveloped them both.

They slept again under the cloak until mid-afternoon, both ravenous on waking.

A late lunch served, the waitress left them and they found they much to discuss, the main topic being Lupin's remarkable transformations. Easier than they had ever been, less pain and greater strength. Snape told him that he thought transforming in the forest had played its part – being true to the nature of the curse.

"I am sure it is due to you in no small way, Severus," Lupin said, placing a gentle hand on Snape's knee. "Having a mate as loving and passionate as you, who accepts my own nature so well and in ways I never thought possible – I think that must be part of it."

Snape coloured a little, and smiled. "It is probably all these things, and having a job where you do not need to dissemble and even fellow civilised werewolves with whom to commune at the full moon. It must all be part for you: an acceptance that you've never fully had."

Lupin nodded and smiled hugely at Snape and kissed him deeply as his hand ran under the bathrobe Snape wore tracing his navel. Snape jolted away as if shocked and then recovered himself.

"What's the matter, Severus?" Lupin's brow furrowed with concern at the reaction. "Did I hurt you?"

"Nothing, it's nothing," Snape muttered, realising why he flinched and cursing himself for it.

"Please, Severus. Tell me what I've done," Lupin moved slightly away, looking upset. "You flinched from me. Why?" His voice had the tone of quiet horror.

"I'm being foolish. Nothing more, Remus. Please let's not discuss it." But Lupin didn't take his eyes from Snape, and he saw very real distress in his lover's eyes that he had in some way hurt him. Snape stood and went to the French windows and looked out. "I have been concerned about what you told me – that a werewolf can impregnate its male mate. It is foolish – and the foolishness is mine, I know." He looked at Lupin beseeching him to understand. "I researched it. I know you can't inflict it on me, but ... I ..." Oh why couldn't he articulate this fear – this subservience that he always struggled against but could never fully throw off and the fear that as soon as one fetter broke, another took its place.

Lupin followed him and then, shockingly, slowly fell to his knees before Snape and wrapped his arms around Snape's hips, his forehead resting against his stomach.

"The fault is mine, Severus. I have gradually allowed more and more of my lupine traits to the fore because we seemed to bound each other so well. I cannot deny that my health and wellbeing have been the better for it: my transformations are bearable for the first time in my life; my mind and body are settled and I am truly happy." Snape thought there was a sob in Lupin's voice. Oh, what have I done?

"But I have been selfish to allow it." Lupin said quietly. "I have allowed too much of the wolf to be known and now you fear me. Had I reigned in my nature and not Claimed you, you would not be fearful of me like this and flinch from my touch. It is my fault." Lupin looked wretched.

"No!" Snape said forcefully, and held Lupin's face up to his. "Never say you should not have Claimed me. Never say it!" He dropped to his knees then and they pressed their foreheads together, their arms around each other. "Everything is right and well, Remus. I am truly happy too, as I've never been. I beg you not to regret Claiming me or how much better things have become for you."

"I cannot bear it if you fear me, Severus. Not fear," Lupin said, his voice haunted and low. "Not like you used to when you thought of me as a monster."

"No, Remus. Please. I'm sorry. It's not a fear of you. It's my own fear – please." Snape couldn't look at Lupin now. He couldn't believe what his unfounded fear had done.

"What do you fear?" Lupin asked, trying to look at Snape's downcast face.

Snape found it difficult to speak, difficult to articulate the fear, even though the words were simple. They stuck in his throat as an admission of weakness. "I can't even abide Moody's taunts - they make me sick to my stomach. Imagine being made pregnant. How much worse it would be ... laughed at ... humiliated ... trapped ..." His voice was strangulated with all the emotion he was starting to feel. As he knelt there, he could feel the humiliation he would feel and how it crawled over his flesh; feel the suffocation of subservience; of imprisonment creeping back on him.

"I swore to you, but more than that, it's not possible without your desiring it, Severus. Do you understand," Lupin whispered insistently, "just – not – possible. I don't have the power to entrap you. I don't want to trap you or imprison you. I only want you if you want me," Lupin said gently, stroking Snape's downcast face. "And if, by some joint madness, we did choose it, you and me, no-one would laugh at us." He kissed the bridge of Snape's nose. "No-one."

Snape looked directly at Lupin again, and they kissed gently, and Snape took Lupin's hand and placed it back on his stomach with his finger tips on Snape's navel, and whispered, "I'm sorry. I am foolish."

"No, Severus," Lupin whispered, as he caressed Snape's stomach. "Not foolish. Just scarred."
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You Will Not Kiss Me