Changing of the Guard | By : Lomonaaeren Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Draco Views: 58627 -:- Recommendations : 4 -:- Currently Reading : 1 |
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Chapter Thirty-Eight—Containing
Multitudes
Draco stood
alone in the middle of his flat, head bowed, fingers laced together, and eyes
closed. His mind was racing as it had the day when he tried to analyze the wand
movement Harry used to disguise himself as Brian.
This time,
the conclusions were just as fragmentary, drifting in and out of each other, snapping
into place briefly and then whirling apart again as Draco realized they didn’t
quite fit. He shook his head frequently, but he didn’t open his eyes and he
ignored his own impulse to hurry.
Something
had been wrong with Harry when he emerged from the last attack tonight, the one
Draco suspected had been led by Aurors. His face had been a touch too pale, his
manner too careful. Draco hadn’t noticed it at the time, but he’d been caught
up in his pride at the way Harry had handled the attacks, and then in the grace
with which he moved during the dances.
Since when has Harry ever seemed as perfect
as he seemed tonight? Since when has he managed to do everything right, or
anticipate your desires as he was doing? This is the man who didn’t understand
why you would want him to stop sleeping with clients, because he couldn’t
accept the idea that you would want exclusive possession of him.
Draco’s
head came up, and he felt himself snarl more than heard it. Harry had been showing
him a persona, much like Brian, sculpted to fit Draco’s needs, doing what Draco
required because he required it. There was no reason for Harry to retreat
behind a mask like that unless something really had gone wrong during the
party, and he needed his inner strength to deal with that whilst he delegated the persona to deal with Draco.
Why wouldn’t he tell me? What could have
been bad enough that he would break the promise he made to tell me the truth?
He didn’t hurt me, so it couldn’t have been the same impulse as the one that made
him give me the truth after he injured me with his magic.
Who else
mattered to Harry that much?
And Draco
began cursing, because he could not believe that he had been that blind. He
swung around and charged out the door of his flat.
Harry’s
friends mattered that much to him. Weasley could have been among the Aurors, because
he worked with them. And Harry’s over-dramatic acting at the door of Number
Twelve Grimmauld Place probably indicated that he was meeting with them
tonight.
Meeting
with them when tired, stressed, over-balanced by whatever had happened between him
and Weasley as well as by the effort of arranging the party, and so worried
about what Draco wanted and needed that he had taken up more of his own energy
lying to Draco and keeping him at bay.
Draco was
going to tear someone apart. Whether
it was Harry or Weasley depended on who was standing when he got there.
*
Amanda
Pearson, Potions expert, eyed the bubbling cauldron for a moment, and then
glanced back at the dark Pensieve, unlocked from its cabinet by the name of a
long-dead Dark Lord and his snake. Really, the man who had originated them all
had the strangest ideas sometimes. Amanda would have chosen more secure
passwords for a secret this mighty, ones that no one else would ever guess.
But her
concern wasn’t the passwords for the moment (even if she couldn’t help thinking
about them; her mother always had said that she had a wandering mind). It was
the potion dancing in the cauldron, without which their originator couldn’t complete
the process of transforming himself into someone else. She had to make sure it
reached exactly the right temperature before she added the next ingredient, a
handful of porcupine quills. She spent some moments counting under her breath
and more estimating by eye, then tossed the quills in. The potion flared once
and turned orange, and the most difficult part of the brewing was done.
Brian
leaned over the cauldron and sniffed once. It smelled right to him from the
notes spread out in front of him, like cedar shavings, though really, he wouldn’t
want to drink it anyway.
But this
was what Harry wanted, and Brian could only agree and pity him. Harry had
thought he would always have two things to depend on, whilst everything else in
his life changed on a daily or weekly basis: his friends and Metamorphosis. The
third, Draco, had come too late for Harry to have the same confidence in him. Now
Ron and Hermione were trying to destroy Metamorphosis, and his relationship
with Draco was not strong enough to reassure Harry on its own.
Brian
believed he was wrong on that last, actually, but his reasoning couldn’t make
headway against Harry’s despair and the anxiety of the other personas to
survive. He was only active at the moment because he was the calmest of them,
the most level-headed, and thus the most fit to handle the potion and begin
revising the spells they would need for the moment when Harry performed the
transformation.
Has he even chosen who he wants to be?
Brian snorted.
Of course he hadn’t. Harry wanted to be as many people as possible, but he also
wanted to be someone who could survive the relationships he believed were
ending. That cut any version of Harry Potter out of the equation. So he would have
to think and choose the best of them for the situation, the one clever enough
and discreet enough to vanish and start up a business like Metamorphosis elsewhere.
A pity I don’t have a house in Britain which
would do, Horace Longbottom thought, carefully smoothing down the page of
notes that contained the spells necessary to make the transformation. But there is too much chance of being
discovered if I go to one of them, and even Ireland is too near. Germany would
be the best choice. Horace had made some contacts there over the years,
mostly pure-bloods and half-bloods who were interested in how to integrate their
culture with Muggle culture; they would have to be quiet about it, as violating
the International Statute of Secrecy from a position of inferior power would
bring the other European Ministries down hard on all their heads.
The top
spell on the list had a smudged letter in the second word of the incantation. Horace
leaned over and carefully cleared it up, then squinted and decided he couldn’t
really tell whether it was an ‘e’ or a ‘u’. He sighed. He would have to fetch
the original list of spells and make sure.
As she left
the room, Amanda glanced at the cauldron and made sure the potion wouldn’t
overflow in the next five minutes. A small squirming of excitement moved under
her breastbone. Even though use of this potion could mean her destruction, she
was always excited to watch something new work.
*
Draco stood
on the doorstep of Number Twelve Grimmauld Place, knocking. No one had answered
so far, and he was beginning to lose the urgent impulse that had driven him
here. Maybe Harry really had told the truth when he said he was tired and
wanted to go to bed alone, because if he and Draco went together, they would do
something other than sleep. If Harry was having a confrontation with his
friends, there ought to be raised voices, surely? And the flash of spells?
Though Draco thought the spells would come solely from the Weasleys, because he
couldn’t imagine Harry lifting his wand against them.
Maybe they’ve been and gone, and he needs
help.
He tried
the door. It was locked. Draco whispered an Alohomora
and tried again, but the knob still clicked stubbornly against his best
efforts. He proceeded to more and more powerful unlocking and unwarding spells,
and still nothing let him inside. And now he was growing steadily more worried,
especially at the thought of the time it would take up if he returned to his
flat and tried to Floo in, on the off-chance that Harry had left his fireplace
unblocked even though he had made sure to lock the door.
“Can
Kreacher be helping Master Draco?”
Draco
turned around with his most radiant smile as the house-elf appeared on the threshold
next to him. If he had been a praying man, he would have given thanks then. “Yes,”
he said. “I was supposed to visit Harry tonight, but he had a shock earlier and
may have forgotten about it. I’m sure he wouldn’t bar his door against me
ordinarily. Could you let me inside?”
Kreacher
nodded, his ears flapping against his head. “Master Harry is being most busy,”
he said. “But his face is not normal. Master Draco could soothe him!” He
snapped his fingers, and though Draco hadn’t felt the house-elf touch his arm,
they both vanished and reappeared in the entrance hall of the house, well
inside Harry’s wards.
“Thank you,
Kreacher,” Draco said. He didn’t stay to see the house-elf’s happy bow. He had
already turned towards the stairs, and his wand was aimed up them. The throb of
Dark magic that traveled through the house made his teeth hurt. What in the
world did Harry think he was playing at? Draco didn’t recognize the specific
spell being used—he had never spent enough time using curses for that, though
he knew Lucius had a library of them in his head—but he didn’t need to. That
spell, whatever it was, needed to be stopped.
Harry
appeared on the stairs above him. He halted when he saw Draco and stared at him
with wide eyes. And Draco felt any uncertainty he’d had about the situation
clench and crack, because the movement with which Harry placed a hand
delicately on the banister and the way he stared without blinking or looking
around for an advantage didn’t match the man Draco had fallen in love with. He
was facing some other persona.
But since when does Harry keep the same face
and clothes when he’s assuming another persona? Though he wasn’t wearing
the green robes he’d left the party in, Draco couldn’t help but note. He was
swimming in baggy, rubbish-looking Muggle clothes of the kind he’d often worn
during school.
“Harry,” he
said gently. “Is something wrong?”
“I’m not
Harry right now,” said a precise, high-pitched voice. “My name is Dave.”
“All right,”
said Draco, though he wanted to shout. He made sure to keep his hand well away
from his wand when he realized how closely “Dave’s” eyes were tracking him. “Do
you know if Harry’s in trouble? I can sense Dark magic here, and he put up
locking spells on the door strong enough to keep me away, which isn’t something
he’d do ordinarily.”
Harry gazed
at him intently, then nodded. “Some of the others like lying,” he said. “I’ve
never approved of it. I’m on my way to look at a spell that will help transform
Harry into one of his personas for good and all. We don’t know which one of us
it will be yet,” he confessed, blushing lightly, as if sharing a secret. “But
whichever one he chooses, he’s not going to remember being Harry Potter
anymore.”
Panic made
Draco’s hand slip where it gripped the banister. But he cleared his throat and
managed to stay upright, if only by sheer concentration. “What made him want to
do this?” he asked. “Do you know?” That question might show he had an interest
in Dave himself, and disguise his burning ambition to leap forwards, wrestle
Harry to the floor, and Stun him.
“He
confronted his friends and told them about you and his involvement in the
rebellion, along with Metamorphosis,” Harry said. “They didn’t take the news
well.” He frowned and shook his head. “I could have told him they wouldn’t. I’m
a lot like that Hermione woman, and I know I’ve lost myself with my face in a
book too many times. She thinks the answers are all in books about Mind-Healing.
She’s gone to St. Mungo’s to ensure that the Healers there know about
Metamorphosis and can stop Harry.”
Ah, no. Draco felt so helpless that
those were the only words his mind could repeat for long moments. Meanwhile,
Harry Summoned a book and opened it, flipping slowly through the pages, looking
for a particular one. Then he smiled, muttered, “Yes, it’s spelled with a u. I
thought so,” shut the book, and started back up the stairs.
“Harry,”
Draco whispered. “Please. Wait. I love you. I love you, not just the personas or whoever you choose to become.”
Harry’s
back stiffened. Then he glanced over his shoulder at Draco, and his eyes had
gone emotionless, so Draco couldn’t be sure whether he was wearing the Dave
persona or someone else. “But you’d agree with Hermione,” he said. “You’d want
me to stop using the personas.”
“I want you
to be in control,” Draco said. “I want you to remember who you really are at
all times.” He dared to climb a step, not watching his footing, not watching the
bob of his wand in his sleeve, not watching anything but Harry. “That’s not the
same thing as wanting you to stop using the personas. What scares me is when
you vanish into them completely, the way you vanished into Horace Longbottom
the day you rescued me from the Ministry.”
“But you’d
still want the one you think is the real Harry out,” said Harry, his voice as cold
and empty as the Malfoy dungeons. “You’d want me to wear the others like masks,
instead of immersing myself in them.”
Harry had
heard enough lies for one day. Draco said simply, “Yes.”
“You wouldn’t
want me to use the Pensieve I have upstairs.”
Pensieve? “No.”
“Ah,” said
Harry. “I’m afraid I can’t let you do that.”
Draco had
no warning. Suddenly the air around him was solid, thick with magic like a
snowfall. He tried to raise an arm and found it frozen in place on the stair
railing. His legs froze, too, even though he was in an awkward position, with
one foot crooked and the other resting not quite flat on a step. The air in
front of his eyes flickered and then turned crystalline, as if he were seeing
Harry through a heavy film.
“That will
keep you still,” said Harry, and put his wand away. His voice had a faint tone
of satisfaction to it now. “You can decide what to do when my new self comes
down the stairs. Decide you’re in love with him or not, as you choose. I don’t
have anything to do with you anymore.” He turned once more.
Draco made
an enormous effort and managed to open his mouth. It seemed Harry had paralyzed
him only from the neck down, because he could blink his eyes and move his nostrils
as well. “Harry,” he said. “Wait.”
Harry
sighed and turned around. “You can stop pretending, you know,” he said.
“Pretending?
I don’t understand.” Draco had no coherent plan. He only knew that as long as
he was talking to Harry, Harry wasn’t walking up to the Pensieve that was
waiting for him.
“You don’t
need to pretend to like Harry anymore, to want the real one.” Harry waved his
arm impatiently. His eyes were fixed and staring. Draco had never heard
anything as bitter as his voice. “You don’t want him. One of the other personas
would have suited you better. Why couldn’t you be content with Brian?” The eyes
flickered to Draco for a moment, but they were an alien’s eyes. “Then you never
would have had to know the truth, and you could have gone on your way at the
end of the job, like an ordinary Metamorphosis client.”
“I want
Harry,” Draco said. He didn’t think saying I
want you would be a good idea at the moment. Better to humor Harry, to
treat the persona as real.
For a
moment, Harry glanced up the stairs. Draco found himself panting, but Harry
turned back to him. “My potion will have boiled over,” he said. “But I suppose
it doesn’t matter. I can brew another one. Amanda will be happy to help. I’m
more curious about this at the moment.” His eyes sharpened, and he retreated two
steps down towards Draco. “Why do you want that Harry?”
*
He was a
broken man, and he called himself by the name of Harry Potter only because he
deserved no other.
He hadn’t
been this aware in quite a long time, because every second of his existence was
one of screaming pain. He’d been awake for a month at the end of Harry’s
nineteenth year, bitterly looking over week after week of failures, trying to
swallow the sourness in his mouth and knowing he never could. He had stayed
awake just long enough to organize the first efforts towards Metamorphosis and
introduce Harry to the joys of playing characters who could go on jobs,
characters who were unlike him in history and looks and personality. Then he
had wrapped himself in darkness and only risen towards the surface when there
was no other choice, when Harry made the mistake of thinking his life could be
normal or he could tell someone else the truth.
He was the
only one who understood that Metamorphosis was an atonement, an ongoing
sacrifice, as well as a game.
He had not
been pleased when Draco Malfoy discovered the truth about Brian and then forced
the truth of Metamorphosis from Harry, but on the other hand, it was an action
he had to reluctantly approve, since it satisfied the debts Harry owed Draco.
But this—this was intolerable. Draco
couldn’t want the broken, tattered thing, the dying butterfly on a withered
leaf, that was all that remained of Harry Potter. So what did he really want?
Did he not understand the extent of the truth?
If not,
then Harry would be happy to reveal it to him. But perhaps Draco did understand
his brokenness and possessed an answer. If so, then Harry wanted to know the
answer.
“Why do you
want that Harry?” he repeated, when Draco only stared at him as if the question
had been above his hearing range. He looked ridiculous frozen like that. Harry
experienced an enormous surge of mingled self-loathing and satisfaction. It was
another debt, another unforgivable mistake, and soon enough Harry would settle
all those debts by stripping away the person who owed them. He would be dead in
truth as he had been for all but random moments during the last ten years.
“Because that
Harry is the one who told me the truth,” Draco said softly, at last. “The one
who came up with the personas in the first place. He’s clever, brilliant,
giving, intriguing, and my match in every way that matters.”
“No, you
don’t understand,” said Harry. “That Harry doesn’t exist, either.”
“Who does?”
Draco said at once, as if he had awaited just that statement, which he couldn’t
have, because he didn’t know the broken man existed. “I thought all your
personas were equally real, and if that’s true, then the Harry I fell in love
with also exists.”
He
hesitated, confused. Then he shook his head slightly and said, “You can’t fall
in love with a person just for a few qualities. You’d have to love them through
their faults, too, and that’s impossible with me.”
“Tell me
your faults, then.” Draco swayed as though he would fall down the stairs and break
his head open. Harry hastily strengthened the spell holding him in place.
Hurting someone else was intolerable to him when it was not done in
self-defense. And he had hurt Draco, and he had hurt Ron and Hermione.
He could
not commit suicide when so many other people depended on him for their existence.
But he could do the next best thing.
“I’m the
Harry who lashed out at you with my magic when you cornered me,” the broken man
said swiftly. This was like pouring a tide of poison into Draco’s ears, but the
truth often did hurt. If this made him understand, it was worth it. “I’m the
Harry who lied to you this evening and told you that I wanted to be alone, and concealed
from you the fact that Ron and Hermione were coming over, because it was the
easiest thing to do. I’m the Harry who almost Obliviated you when you announced
that you knew me as we lay in bed together. I’m the Harry who’s made so many
mistakes I can’t count them all. I’m the Harry Nusante scolds, the one who had
a chance to be a hero, and lost the
chance.” He laughed, though the sound scorched his throat. “The very first
thing I ever failed at was being a hero.”
“Maybe I
don’t want the hero,” Draco said, and again his response was too quick. “No, I’m
sure I don’t want the hero, except insomuch as he’s part of you. And what I
hear from you now is a catalogue of impulsive moments and cowardly ones—“
“The worst
of me.”
Draco
looked him straight in the eye. “If that’s the worst of you, then I should burn
myself alive.”
The broken
man began to tremble, but he did not allow himself to shatter, because that had
already happened. “I’ve lost my best friends,” he said. “One of them thinks I’m
sick and she’s gone to tell the world, and one of them can’t accept that I’m
gay. And didn’t I deserve to lose them? I lied to them for ten years, and when
I did come out, I told you first, and then many other strangers. I should have told
them first. At least if I go away and become someone else, I can’t hurt them
anymore.”
*
Draco drew
a deep breath. He’d spoken the right words so far, but he doubted his good luck
could last. He had to say the right thing because he had consciously chosen to
do it, not because he was hitting out randomly.
“I want to
help you face them,” he said.
“Of course,”
said Harry, and in his voice was so much pain that the corners of Draco’s eyes
stung. “You would want to harm them. You always have wanted to harm the
Weasleys. And I hurt them further by falling in love with someone they have
reason to distrust.” His voice recoiled, once again, on himself. This version
of Harry hated only one person in the world, Draco knew, and it was not him.
“I want to
help you win their friendship back,” Draco said.
Harry froze
and stared at him.
“I want to
help you do everything,” Draco said. “Argue with me, heal me, make up for your
mistakes. Find the best way to face the world as the owner of Metamorphosis and
a hundred masks, if Granger really does tell everyone.” Was the pressure of the
magic against his chest lessening? He thought it was. He forced his left foot
up a step and managed to relax it so it lay flat. “Make love to and with me.
Sit at the Weasleys’ dinner table and manage to do no worse than scowl at a
thoughtless comment. Outface the nightmares. Come to peace with yourself and keep your personas.
“Harry,
what you’ve done is brilliant. You might think I only admire you because I’m a
Slytherin, but it’s more than that. So dazzling.
An art played out under everyone’s noses for your own private joy and
satisfaction, whilst at the same time giving so much to others. And you master
the personas, keep them under control and sustain them.” Most of the time. Given the loathing with which Harry spoke of
himself for hurting Weasley and Granger, Draco thought the shattering blow must
have been the loss of his friends. “And you chose to let me into that secret
first. Me.”
“I should have
told them first—“
“Why? I was
the one who was there, and I was the one you owed the truth to, and I was the
one you were beginning to fall in love with.”
“That was a
mistake. I don’t deserve—“
“Maybe just
this part of you doesn’t deserve it, no,” Draco said fiercely. “This part of
you is small, Harry. You’re wide. You
contain multitudes. You’ve shown me that. Choosing to be just one of them would
do all of you a disservice.”
“I—I could
become someone who remembers most of them—“
“And that
would destroy Harry Potter. You announced your intention of doing that.” His
legs were moving now, carrying him closer and closer, by nothing more than an
effort of his own will. Now he was in front of Harry, framing his face with his
hands, and those beautiful green eyes were staring at him in shock. “I don’t
want any of you to die. Not a whit, not a one. I don’t want you to change simply
to have me in your life. I don’t want you to lie to me just because you might
hurt me if you don’t.”
“I could
fail you.” Whispered, choking words.
“I don’t
think you will. And if you do, then we’ll storm and scream about it for a
while, and you’ll apologize, and we’ll go back to balancing again.” Draco drew
in a breath that dragged against his teeth, let it out. “I know you won’t ever
be stable or sane in the sense Granger probably means. I’m prepared to accept
that, and more, to love you for it. I’m prepared to let you weather the moments
when you blame yourself, and to weather, for myself, the moments when you
change personas. I won’t like all of them, no, but you don’t like everything
about me, do you?”
“You’re so
stubborn,” Harry murmured, which could have been an answer.
“There you
are,” Draco said. He combed his fingers through Harry’s hair, gathering up a
palm of it and tugging him forwards enough so that their brows rested together.
He could feel the scar lying between them, and wondered how many people had
ever touched it. “Harry, don’t die or go away before I get the chance to meet
all of you. Please.”
*
He floated
deep in a stinking sea of blackness—
And then he
blinked and was in the light, shaking, uncertain, nervous, the Harry who had
guarded the wards during the party and supervised the nonviolent attacks
against their attackers and walked into the middle of the entrance hall beneath
them to tell everyone he was gay and loved Draco.
His hold
was fragile yet. He could feel the personas swarming beneath the surface, and
the dark Pensieve called from above him, compelling as a lost child. But he was
there, and this was—this was the persona he liked best, he thought, with support
from the others.
This is who I would have chosen to be if I
were honest, he thought suddenly, in wonder. This is the only one big enough to hold all of me.
Even if he
had plunged into the dark Pensieve, he could not have rejected Draco, or Ron,
or Hermione, or all the past that had gone into making him. He flinched from
the memories of his nineteenth year, but they were not all of who he was. He was
Dave, and Amanda, and Horace, and Brian—Brian, who did not want to die—and the
weak self-loathing Harry and the meek one whom his friends knew and the proud
one who had faced the press when he had to and the one in front of Draco now.
For so
long, the only thought that had taken place in his mind in regards to his
personas was, I am all of them. And he
had hugged his secret to himself, secure in the knowledge that no one else
could accept it.
But Draco had
accepted it, and then he had taken the thought and turned it around for Harry.
All of them are me.
It was—
He had
brilliance, and cleverness, and strength, and bodyguard instincts, and Potions
knowledge, and self-confidence, and the ability to make others happy. They
might be incarnated in other people, but they belonged to him. They had come
from him in the first place. If he was all of these things, so many of them so
good, then Harry Potter did not have to die.
The world
was made anew.
He grabbed Draco and squeezed him
tight, tight, shutting eyes too hot for tears.
*
Alexiad, thrnbrooke, Amiyom, j.s.:
Thanks for reviewing!
broomrider949: Not a Horcrux by a
long shot. That was Harry’s password for the Dark pensieve, as was mentioned in
Chapter 15.
Lola: Good! More of that is coming
up.
SoftObsidian74: Here you are! Some people
seemed to be in real mental distress concerning this chapter, so I decided to
post it early.
Hermione thought Harry was too subdued
to do anything. She had no idea about the existence of the dark Pensieve, after
all.
Memories of the nineteenth year
will be mentioned during Chapter 39.
Those names
were the passwords to unlock the dark Pensieve cabinet.
Gaurdad:
Thanks! You’ve been added to the update list.
qwerty:
Thanks! Chapter 37 did feel explosive.
Luvdonite:
At this point, trying to part Harry from his personas may do more harm than
good. The ideal is probably, as Draco said, for Harry to remember who he is at
all times, rather than immersing himself in the personas so deeply.
SP777: He
does have some problems to do with the war, but it’s not quite survivor’s
guilt. It’s probably best explained in Chapter 39, which is the one that
hatches a lot of little questions about Harry’s nineteenth year.
As
explained in this chapter, the loss of his friends and Metamorphosis both at
once is the blow that shattered Harry.
Lunatic
with a hero complex: Heh, even Brian thinks Harry’s becoming him will not be a
good idea!
And as you
see, it didn’t quite come to that.
Mangacat:
Yes. If Harry has a mental illness, it’s not as straightforward as him matching
the symptoms for, say, schizophrenia.
Anon: In
this case, it really wasn’t Rita Skeeter. Harry was hearing the buzzing as a
symptom of a panic attack.
Ian: Thank
you! I’m really glad you’re enjoying the story.
Andria
Meredith: Hermione sees hiding as really opposite to Harry’s character, so that’s
part of the reason she thinks it’s morally wrong.
starryeyed:
Thanks very much! I usually find it hard to read stories where one man depends
exclusively on the other, so I try not to write that.
And no,
unfortunately I don’t read Chinese. I read Spanish, though!
Lakoma: Can’t
comment on Lucius yet! You’ve been added to the update list.
70_Sol_Laen:
Hopefully this update caught you before you left for vacation.
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