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Seduce My Father - Complete	By : AnasumiHideki Category: Harry Potter > Het - Male/Female > Snape/Hermione Views: 43148 -:- Recommendations : 4 -:- Currently Reading : 6
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Anything recognizable belongs to JK Rowling. I do not make any money off of this story. It is just for fun! XD

Chapter List
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"Your mind always takes you to dark places when you close your eyes..."

When will I leave this dark place?

I close my eyes, and soon, I find myself ascending the stairs. Near the top, I see that the light is bright, yet darkness surrounds it. It pours through the window into a pool of such a serene yellow light, and I am strangely calmed by this essence that bathes me as soon as I emerge into it. I round the corner, and I see her smiling; Her arm laid upon the window sill, with her cheek supported in the palm of her hand, as she stares lazily and dreamily out of the window.

Apparently I have caught her eye, as she turns her head and looks at me and smiles more so than she had been. I feel my lips tug themselves into a smile as well, having no need to ask her what she gazes at. What is so interesting beyond the window? She beckons me over with a slight nod of her head, and as I get into plain view, able to see the ground, and the sky alike, I realize that it is snowing. It is coming down quite slow, as if there is no draft to be felt beyond the window, and the flakes of snow are much larger than I could possibly remember. Yet, the most amazing sight that I will see all night, and all through out this dream, is the moon; So close to the earth; So large, and alive, and bright.

I am dazzled by it's twinkling dark light that seems to caress every inch of my soul, and I feel absolutely no pain. No anger.

We sit in the dark together, bathed by the moon's light. No words are to be spoken. Such a silent world; This dream, tonight. My heart begins to beat with such an affection that no words could ever speak of as I gaze at this amazing sight that I may never lay eyes upon again. I know that it is a dream, and I find it regretful that I know that I must wake from it eventually. It is sights like this that make me want to sleep forever. Right now, I am still day dreaming of the moonlight that seemed to over power me, and made me feel like nothing could ever be wrong again. I want to sit here, next to her, in front this window, and stare at the moon that seemed closer than ever, as the snow flakes fell in front of it, landing soundlessly upon the ground.

My mind takes me not to dark places, but places I never want to leave. I want to sleep for the rest of my life, and be captivated in a place where no one will ever find me.

Where no one will ever find me...

Lily...

Hermione read the first entry with tears in her eyes. She almost couldn't believe that these were the dark wizard's words, but she could see the pain behind it all. Especially the last word... "Lily..." She flipped a page and began to pour over the next entry.

The only silence I hear now, is the silence that presents itself in the form of whispers; Silent, ambient whispers. I press my fingers, gently to my temple and try vigorously to sate them. But no avail. They do not yield. Instead, they whisper in a louder fashion; Raising their voices to make me understand that they are going nowhere. I want to scream at the top of my own voice. Yet, there is always the crowded room effect. The one where you imagine yourself, screaming in agony in a room full of people, and no one looks up from their pointless conversations to find the source of the noise.

Why will no one listen?

You come here. You lecture me about life, and what it is to die. The glory, the misery. The pain. All emotions wrapped in one, small unit: Life. Though, what is the meaning of life if you one day wake, scared to death, to live?

I do not even want to look at myself. I am tired of even knowing my own name. I touch my face with my fingers, while standing in the presence of a mirror, and I can not believe what I see. The reflection touches it's face, but I can feel nothing, and my heart no longer beats one specific theme. I withdraw; Hide my face behind my hands; Back away. From everything. I feel the ticking time bomb, holding it's hands high, awaiting seconds, minutes and hours til the impending fire. Yet, I take a deep breath of midnight air, and all feelings extinguish themselves after I remind myself of one thing: I can not let myself care, anymore. Not at all.

Put the figurative pin inside, one more time. Lock it away, before it is too late.

I can feel myself becoming distant. I no longer want to talk, or spend the time. Much preferable, to spend it all alone. A recurring vision depicts myself sitting quite without company at a deserted, small town bar where the tender already knows me by name. He will become my new mentor; The go to, when all I have left is a few Galleons and a hankering need for guidance, and quite frankly, some accommodation in the form of hard liquor.

I want to get lost again. I want to be oblivious. All I want, is the uncertainty in her eyes, that I had not seen for a very long time. All I want is to feel at ease again. I want this sensation in the pit of my stomach to move on. Leave me.

Leave me be.

Hermione flipped another page, still with the same sadness weighing heavily upon her heart.

Bravery.

I once had it, to show it. Now, as I reach the end of my path to see pain, and a barring brick wall, I realize there is nothing left. Not even a minute remnant. I never thought myself to be fragile, or gullible, but I've done a mighty right job of proving myself wrong. No. I shall not take special care, or tend to the open wound in my heart. Figuratively, I have shed my own blood upon my clothing, and I have no choice left, but to wear them; To let them all see while I tear myself open further in determination to caress my insides. If it is from this that I will learn that I am still human, so be it.

Sometimes, I'll hold my breath, with the intention to never breathe again. But, somewhere along my path to destroy myself, I cannot go on suffocating. I suppose I should take it as a sign that I am, indeed still human. For it is only basic human instinct to survive. Right? All that is left, is to place my hands in the prayer position, and beg for mercy, or even damnation on a once valiant soul.

My first act of betrayal, was picking up this wand. My second act of betrayal, was losing myself again. There is no solution to the negative outcomes of cause and effect. There is no finding what is eternally lost to the cold, dark maelstrom of a once care free life.

Crestfallen.

Your smile dissipates. There is no use for the expression played upon your pretty face. While a million birds flock overhead, confusion sets while they break from formation, and go their separate ways. No two fly the same direction. Perhaps their need to be free has sent them away from one another. Like they always say: "Out of sight. Out of mind."

I must be the epitome of bravery living this horrid life alone. I have no one to share in these thoughts. I must explode at parchment to have a decent, yet one sided conversation, but at the very least, I know that it can keep my secrets. Unless, of course, placed defenseless in the wrong hands.

I suppose I must sooner or later forgive, and forget, but it is... Difficult.

I want to not catch glimpses of familiar faces, or hear any words. To be worlds apart from Heaven and Hell is where I need to next find myself. Blind. Deaf. Mostly dumb. Oblivious to life. Impervious to death.

The last time I woke to life from life; Smiling for no real reason why. Perhaps it was her for once gentle voice, telling me softly to rise from my bed. For a moment, I searched her face, before I whispered a "thank you" that I was unsure she would hear as she turned to exit the scene. To my surprise, she had. "For what?" she asked, clearly puzzled. I shrugged and turned to face the wall; My expression losing my faint smile; Still thoughtful as to why I've dreamed about my every day life. "I don't know... I guess for being the first thing I saw today." I answered, but heard no reply. She didn't care enough to wait for an honest answer. Somehow, I knew I was not speaking for an audience of even one. I'd tried to tell her why I'd so randomly thanked her, but she was already gone.

I traced an outline on the wall with my fingertip, and sighed inaudibly.

"Thanks for not making me wake alone today..."

The witch quickly concluded that this one was about his mother. She couldn't wrap her mind around the idea of the woman being so uncaring as to not even listen to a simple sentiment from her only child. Had she really disliked him that much? Hermione's heart sank, deeper still with the sadness weighing on herself at the words in Severus's journal. Deciding that she would flip ahead quite a few pages to see his last entry, she became intrigued once more as she read.

I wish...

And I digress...

I have lost a lot of things over time. Some things, large. Some things, trivial. Some things, unforgettable. At one point, I lost my mind and somehow I found it again, buried among the ashes of a life I once lived. A volatile, expendable life that made virus seem acceptable. I found what I thought to be love in a controller, who was nothing less than a girl at heart, who made all of the people around her, her very own toys. Experimenting with the feelings of others was just a game that she played with so many, but to my immense relief, she is no more. Yet, she only perished after making sure that no matter what I did, myself, that I would wind up alone. She lost me long ago. She lost my feelings, and my susceptibility to being controlled after I figured out fully that she only played a mind game with me. Only after it was about five years too late. For so many things.

If I could, I would take it all back. If I could, I would have done so many things, so differently.

My memories are all clouded together, and if I could, I would concoct a miracle Potion that would allow me to gain access to these blurred visions, to be able to pick out the ones that I absolutely cannot stand, and replace them with something good. It seems that there is more heartache in my past, and I fear that if I was allowed to get rid of some of these memories, I would wake, and not know who, or what I am. Yet, as long as the good was still intact, and fresh in my thoughts, I believe I would be just fine. But, one can only dream. Right?

Oh, Hermione... What have I done?

I do not believe myself to be smart enough to be able to figure out a way to take things back. With something like the snap of your fingers, or the blink of your eye, you could be back in one time, and redo everything that you ever did wrong.

"If I knew then, what I know now..."

I keep replaying this message in my head, and it is beginning to drive me a little fray. If I knew then... If I knew then... I can only say, that I suppose people make mistakes, and they have to live with the consequential fruits that the branches of "good intentions" bare.

If I could, I would go back, and tell myself "no", and that I am not a "superhuman", who can stop things from happening the way that they are meant to. I can not help but feel that all I ever do, is lose. Everything that I have ever loved in my life, with the exception of my son, goes away. I have been racking my brain over this for years now, and I keep trying to figure out why I have deserved half, if not most of the things that have happened to me, and I can only come back to one conclusion. It is because people like me are not supposed to be happy. People like me, the some what damned individuals who try to give everything to everyone they love are not supposed to be among those who are blessed with far greater personality traits. I should have left it at my initial notion that she was far, far better than me, in so many ways, and didn't need someone like me in her life. I should have just stayed away. People like me, are not good people, and no matter how hard we try, we will never equal the people who come into our lives, and touch us in ways that we can only wish we could amount to.

Supposedly, I am supposed to accept defeat, and live by the rules of going on, and moving forward, but I am so stuck in these moments that it takes over my thoughts on a daily basis. What if? Just what would have happened, if I changed everything? I can only imagine, that if I were to tamper with a time-turner, knowing my luck, the same outcome would present itself, or something far worse. If it were not for the fact that I must carry on being a good father to my child, whom I love with the greatest intensity that I ever thought I could, I would be out, lost as lost could be. I am lost without the beautiful memories of Hermione Granger...

Everything I love goes away.

Accept it, you. It is only a scratch on the surface of what is supposed to happen next. Only I, can pick myself up off the floor ridden with despair, and I am the only one who can make myself smile through my tears. I regret so much, yet yearn for so little, because, honestly, I deserve nothing more than I get.

I do not expect pity or remorse for the things befallen. I have just been so afraid to sleep, that I have been absolutely dying for dawn.

I am, and have nothing but my child to light my world. Where would he be, if I decided to change things? He may not have been the same amazing boy that he is if I was able to take things back, and redo pieces of time. On his end of this deal, I would change nothing, and I would go on losing just as long as it meant he would gain everything. I would continue hurting for the rest of my existence, if it meant that he would never have to. I would sacrifice everything, even if it meant my very own life to ensure that he would never have to hurt. I can only hope that he is smarter than I, when he grows to be a man, and is able to make his own choices. I can only hope that he does not find himself forty years down some road, wondering about what could have been. I suppose it is only I who can teach him never to go against his first instinct as long as it is right. Because there are things few and far between, that are very surprising, and turn out to be something good in our lives, and if it weren't for the thought of that, I could honestly say I may have died a long time ago.

You live and you learn. You make mistakes. You hold grudges. You love, and you lose. Yet, I guess that sometimes we even win when we least expect it, and I suppose that I should look more closely at the things I have, instead of the things I've lost...

But I will not give up on you, my sweet eyed love. You may be temporarily gone, but you are still here, and this is something I will hold onto, until I can hold on to you, once again.
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Seduce My Father - Complete