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Lullaby	By : JaniS Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male > Harry/Draco Views: 2872 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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A/N: So here�s chapter 4. Harry�s POV. Next chappie will be the last one. Thanks for your wonderful reviews, and enjoy!
PART II

Do this anymore

�There's another world inside of me that you may never see. There's secrets in this life that I can't hide.
Somewhere in this darkness there's a life that I can't find. Maybe it's too far away or maybe I'm just blind, maybe I'm just blind.�

How I hated Ron! For about three months we hadn�t spokeone one another more than classmates do. I would sit in the common room with him while doing our homework and he would try and start a conversation, like the ones we used to have. I pretended to be tired and sleepy and excuse myself to the dorm. The following day he would wake me up and sit on my bed and ask me what was wrong; I�d put the blame on Voldemort and he pretended he believed me, but I knew he didn�t. That�s how it went day after day, week after week�

I knew that Cedric�s death was not my fault, that Sirius� death was not my fault, but deep inside I thought that maybe they were. I was fed up with all of it, with the fans, with the enemies and with the people that didn�t care about me at all. Why couldn�t I just survive a full school year without something sadistic happening to me? For God�s sake! I was starting to think that my life was better with the Dursleys! And those thoughts went round my head every now and then.

When the sixth year began everything was cool, like always. But the more I thought how life would be without me the more I wanted to disappear. Suicide had never been an option, it was just a thought, something that popped up in my mind whenever life got nasty. Summer had been hard; I missed Sirius more than I thought was possible. But I made it through it pretty well. Then when school began my nightmares did too; not regular nightmares, the ones I knew were real, the ones in which Voldemort spoke to me. The bastard entered my mind as soon as I closed my eyelids and he wouldn�t let me go until the morning sun woke me up.

Soon I found myself considering the best way to end it all. Not that I would ever do it, but I found it amusing to test how far my mind could go in that matter. So much for my originality the best way I came up with was to jump down my dorm window; but who knew if there were anti-suicide spells? I would make a fool of myself.

I had that dream in which Cedric came up to me after a Quidditch match and punched me in the face saying �Where�s you Gryffindor coura I w I woke up startled by the fact that I had none; not anymore. I knew in the end it would be just Voldemort and me, so why bother? Spare me the grief of winning a war in which I would lose everyone I had left to care for. I took my invisibility cloak and went up the Astronomy Tower. I looked down one of the windows and considered jumping once again, then I turned to see a shinny silver dagger laying on a shelf. It wasn�t that difficult once it�s end was slitting my flesh, the hard part was to have the guts to do it.

I rested my back against the wall and slid down to the floor slowly, where I contemplated marvelled how my blood slipped from inside of me. Then there was Malfoy.

All in all it wasn�t that weird that he would be the only one I�d say goodbye to. I didn�t like him at all and he loathed me, and that was the purest and strongest feeling someone had ever had for me.

Then his lips where on mine, soft and warm. His hands roamed my body slowly and I was way too weak to fight or protest. My mind was fuzzy and I could not see clearly, but when he licked my chest my stomach felt funny. He traced the tip of his tongue over one of my nipples and then bit down on it making me moan in spite of myself. I became more aroused with every kiss he laid on my cold skin and he ran his hand over my erection while kissing my mouth deeply. His tongue was hot and wet, and it slid against mine easily. He entered me and it hurt like hell. I wanted to scream, to hit him for not being gentler. I never thought he would go that far and I had no idea he was into boys either. After a while he felt nice inside of me and when I opened my eyes the moonlight shone in his eyes, on his pale skin, and he looked like a fallen angel. There was something about the way he looked at me� and I didn�t want to die anymore. I wanted to live and have that flutter in my stomach, I wanted to wake up in the morning and anticipate if we would ever be like this again, if he would ever kiss me again; like I used to feel with Cho.

I woke up in the hospital wing with a smile plastered on my face and felt my insides quiver when I wondered if he�d come to see me. I knew he wouldn�t as well as I knew he was just playing but�

�When your education x-ray cannot see under my skin I won�t tell you a damn thing that I could not tell my friends.

Now roaming through this darkness I�m alive but I�m alone.

Part of me is fighting this but part of me is gone.�

Ron was desperate. That night deeply changed me in all senses. I became passive and vulnerable and all I did was roam the school absently and pretend to be happy. He asked me if I was into drugs and I laughed myself silly. Well, I was into drugs, his name was Malfoy.

It�s funny how he could treat me like shit, abuse me and humiliate me, and yet had me believing he loved me. When I was with him I could surrender to all my fears and burdens, and let him take my pain away with his hands, his mouth and his harsh words. I kept fooling myself over and over again.

�We need to talk.� Said Ron in the middle of a chess game.

�What about?� I replied dimly.

�About what�s bloody wrong with you.� He pushed the chessboard aside and looked at me straight in the eye with a severity I never thought he possessed.

�I�m fine, just a little stressed out with the homework and all-�

�Shut it. I�m not buying it this time Harry. Don�t you trust me anymore?�

�Ron! Please� it�s nothing��

�Then tell me, whatever it is, I�m your friend. You need to talk to someone, Harry. I�m sure you�ll feel better.� Maybe he was right, I needed to let go all that guilt that was killing me.

�It�s nothing.� I stood up and went to Malfoy�s dorm, and paid for my sanity by selling my body.
But Ron was never one to be fooled. He cornered me two days after our little chat and forced the words out of my mouth. My thing with Malfoy was my little secret. I wanted to keep it from everyone and make it something mine. But Ron was my best friend and� I don�t know, but I felt I could confide my secret to him.

He stood by the fireplace open-mouthed and with bug eyes.

�You�re sl-sleepin with him?!�

�Ron, listen, I don�t ask you to understand it� I just, I just thought you should know.�

�Do you love him?� He asked looking nowhere.

�Er� sort of��

�Sort of�� he whispered.

�Just, please, don�t tell anyone.�

�Harry, this is, I haven�t even got words to express it. Do you realize how crazy it is? If Hermione knew��

�But you�re not gonna tell her! Please, Ron.�

�I don�t want you to hurt anymore� He said, looking at me pityingly, and I wanted to hit him.

�Don�t tell anyone.�

�I won�t.�

After that he would try and convince me to finish it every time we were alone, and the more he warned me Malfoy would hurt me, the more I wanted to scream �I love him damnit!� though I didn�t.

He was just someone I could hang around with, someone to talk to, someone to save the day.

I had no more nightmares, all I dreamed about walfoalfoy holding my hand and whispering �I love you�s� while we waved Ron goodbye.

�So hold me when I�m here, right me when I�m wrong, hold me when I�m scared and love me when I�m gone.

Everything I am and everything in me wants to be the one you wanted me to be.

I�ll never let you down even if I could. I�d give up everything if only for your good.

So hold me when I�m here, right me when I�m wrong, you can hold me when I�m scared but you won�t always be there,

So love me when I�m gone. Love me when I�m gone.�

3 Doors Down � When I�m gone �

A/N:I know there's no real plot in this fic, I'm just experimenting a bit with the characters' view on a same fact. So, love it? Hate it? Let me know please.
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Lullaby