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Under the Moonlight	By : chrmisha Category: Harry Potter > Het - Male/Female Views: 1558 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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Under The Moonlight: Chapter 4

He�d gotten into a groove at Flourish and Blotts. People had heard he was working there and they sought him out for advice and support. He�d found this much more gratifying than he�d every imagined. A man in his early twenties approached him one morning.

�Mr. Lupin? Can I ask you a question?� After receiving Remus�s nod, the young man continued, �Have you, have you ever been married?�

Remus was a bit taken aback, but recovered quickly. �Personally, no, why do you ask?�

�Well, I was just wondering if it was possible, to have a wife, and children and all,� the young man looked down at the floor, �I�d really like to have a family, but ��

�But you couldn�t live with yourself if you ever hurt them.�

The young man�s eyes brightened. �Exactly!�

They talked for another hour, Remus reassuring him that there was no reason he couldn�t have a family assuming he took reasonable precautions.

The young man left, looking very relieved, just as Raiyna appeared. She was smiling. �I�m so glad you could help him. He was in quite a state when he got here this morning.� She sat down beside Remus, taking his hand in hers. Her smile was infectious. �How is it going?�

Remus shook his head. �I told him all the right things, but somehow, it doesn�t feel like they apply to me.�

She looked puzzled, but before she could probe any further, she was called away. Remus ate his lunch alone that day and thought about what it was he was doing with Raiyna.

***

Remus tossed and turned, still feeling unsettled about the conversation he�d had with the young man earlier that day. As he finally drifted off to sleep, not even his dreams would let him rest.

He was back in school again. The Yule Ball was fast approaching. Unfortunately for him, it fell on a full moon.

James had already asked Lily before he realized this. �I�ll just cancel, she�ll understand,� he said as they ate their lunch.

�No way, Prongs, no way. You�ve waited way too long for this.�

The others agreed.

�And anyway, Padfoot and I will stay with Moony,� Peter chimed in.

�Come on, you guys, I�ve been doing this alone for years. One more night won�t kill me. I�m not ruining this for you all. Go to the Ball, have a great time, pull some pranks, and tell me all about it in the morning.�

�Shut up, Moony, you don�t have a say in this,� Sirius�s voice was chiding but firm.

The bell had already rang and classes were in session as Remus walked to Madam Pomfrey�s to pick up the potion she made for him once a month. He still couldn�t believe he had friends that cared that much about him. As he walked towards the hospital wing, he saw a girl hurrying down the staircase. She was muttering to herself and her book bag was overflowing. He cringed as he saw her miss the last step. That had to hurt. He hurried over to her. She was younger than him, but quite pretty. He was surprised he hadn�t noticed her before. He smiled at her as he helped her up. He couldn�t help but look into her eyes, they were so welcoming, so warm. Her wrist hung at an odd angle; surely it was broken. He walked her to the hospital wing, smiling to himself. He was thinking he might like to get to know her better. Raiyna, what a beautiful name. Just then, she did something he unexpected. She asked him to the Yule Ball. It was a full moon that night, he couldn�t possibly go, although he would have liked to, especially with her. He noticed too late that she had taken his hesitation the wrong way. She assumed he was going with someone else. She was getting away from him. He reached for her, and to his relief, she stopped. She stopped for him. He lifted her chin to meet his eyes��he had to see those eyes��so deep and brown and honest.

After he�d left, a sudden sadness settled over him. Why hadn�t he seen it before? For the same reason he couldn�t go to the Yule Ball, he could never have a relationship with her. What had he been thinking? Try as he might to get those brown eyes out of his mind, he could not. He hadn�t seen her again until he saw those brown eyes looking down at him in the Leaky Cauldron.

***

Remus paced his study, waiting for Raiyna�s arrival. She was bringing dinner, insisting that it was her turn. He was wearing his tattered gray robes, the ones he had worn to their first dinner at the Winging Park Inn. He wondered if she�d notice; he usually wore his nicer midnight blue robes for her. When she finally arrived, she looked strikingly beautiful. Her long hair played gently around her high cheek bones. She seemed to look more radiant to him when they were alone. He longed to sweep her up into his arms, bury his face in her hair, inhale her sweet scent. Hold her forever. But he resisted. There was no use delaying the matter any longer. He hated himself for what he was about to do.

�Raiyna, I don�t think this is going to work, us, I mean.� She looked stunned. He looked away.

�Excuse me? I thought� the other night��

�The other night was probably one of the best nights of my life,� Remus said honestly. �But really, Raiyna, what kind of life can I offer you?�

She rolled her eyes. �Honestly, Remus Lupin, think of who you are speaking to. I lived with my brother for fifteen years! And anyways, who are you to decide what I can and can�t live with?�

He was about to say something but she interrupted, throwing a string of questions at him he hadn�t expected.

�Do you take your Wolfsbane Potion every full moon?�

�Yes.

�Do you make sure you are in a safe environment before you transform?�

The questions went on and on. �Yes, Yes, Yes,� he answered to each one, growing more exasperated by the minute.

�Well, then, I don�t see what the problem is. Let�s eat.�

He sighed as he noticed that the flushed color her anger had brought to her cheeks just made her look more beautiful. He had to get her off his mind. They ate dinner mostly in silence, punctuated by her attempts at strained conversation that led nowhere. When dinner was finished, Remus rose to escort Raiyna to the door. The sooner she was out of his house, the sooner he could try to put his life back together the way it was intended to be lived��alone.

�Remus, can we talk?�

�There�s nothing to talk about.� His voice was distant as he leaned against the door jam, waiting for her to rise from the table.

�Then how about you just listen. Come sit on the couch with me.� When he did not move, she continued. �Remus, please, you owe me this much.�

The scowl on her face told Remus she wasn�t leaving until he heard her out. Grimacing in defeat, Remus reluctantly moved to the couch. He sat down, clasping his hands between his knees and staring at the floor. �What is it that you want to say?� he asked, without so much as a hint of interest in his voice.

He was so tense from sitting so close to her that he flinched when she laid her hand on his shoulder. He hadn�t meant to, but the way she instinctively pulled away from him, perhaps it was for the best. He watched her reflection in the window as she ran her hands nervously through her hair and took a deep breath. There were tears in her eyes. He could handle her anger, but her tears were sure to crumble his resolve. He closed his eyes then, willing himself to hold onto his control until she left.

�Remus, I don�t know what�s going on and you won�t tell me. But I can�t just let you walk away from me like this, I care about you too much. I know about the wolf, I�ve always known. Doesn�t that count for something? I�m not afraid of you Remus!�

�Maybe you should be.� His voice was low and dangerous.

�Stop it, Remus. This isn�t fair. This isn�t just about you any more! I know you are hurting��how do you think I feel? You act as if I haven�t got a clue as to what I�m getting myself into. I lived with my brother for fifteen years! I am as mentally in tune with the lunar cycles as you are physically. I know how to keep myself safe! I�d never let you endanger me, Remus, and I�d never let you endanger yourself. You think I don�t know what you�re afraid of? You think I don�t know the wolf could hurt me? Of course I know! But I�d never put myself in that situation!�

�You�re not a monster Remus, you�re a man! For one day out of the month the wolf comes out. The other twenty-nine-and-a-half days you are just like everyone else. I�m not afraid of you, Remus, and I�m not going to let you hide behind the wolf.�

Remus stared blankly into the fire, clenching his teeth. He wanted to shake his head and scream in frustration. How could she possible understand? It wasn�t just the wolf, it was so much more than that. He�d lost everyone he�d ever loved, everyone that had ever loved him. He couldn�t risk that again. He fought to keep his breathing even, but the battle that raged inside of him made it impossible. Still, he said nothing, offered no response. He couldn�t let her draw him in.

�Remus, don�t do this to me. Don�t shut me out!� Hot tears streamed down her face. �I know you�re scared. But I�m scared too, I�m scared of losing you. Please��

He wanted to pull her into his arms and tell her everything would be all right. He wanted to believe that everything would be all right. And maybe it would be if he were a different man. But he was who he was, and he had no business being with someone as sweet and special as Raiyna was. He should never have let it gotten as far as it had in the first place. He sat rigid next to her, not even allowing himself to scratch the itch on his cheek for fear that if he moved even a muscle he�d lose his iron control.

She shook her head and got up to leave. As she stood by the door, she looked back. �Dammit, Remus, I love you.� He could hear the emotion in her voice but didn�t dare look at her.

When the door clicked behind her, he put his head in his hands, shaking uncontrollably. �I�m sorry Raiyna. I�m so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to let it get this far.�

He turned in early that night, falling asleep wishing she were in his arms, knowing that it could never be.

***

Madam Pomfrey had healed her wrist. She sprinted to the Great Hall, but he wasn�t there. She looked around on the grounds and didn�t see him either. She wanted to see him again; she had to see him again. He said he couldn�t go to the Yule Ball, but maybe he�d be interested in doing something else. He had been so kind to her. Maybe that�s all it was. Kindness. Maybe he was that nice to everyone. She shook her head. If he was interested in her, he would come looking for her. Patience, my dear, patience; her father�s words echoed in her mind.

***

When he arrived the following week for work it was pouring rain. He joined the staff meeting that had just started and took his orders for the week: inventory, restocking, owl orders, etc. When the others had cleared out, he asked Raiyna if there was someplace they could talk. She led him to her office and offered him a cup of tea.

�I�m here to tender my resignation.�

�WHAT?!?� Raiyna said, choking on her tea and spitting it all over her desk and robes.

Remus steadied himself. �Raiyna I just can�t do this anymore.�

�What? This job or me?� Her voice had cooled considerably, her eyes narrowed.

He pondered her statement momentarily. �Well, they are related, aren�t they?�

�No, as far as I�m concerned they are not. People are counting on you Remus. If you don�t want our relationship to continue, fine, but I will NOT accept your resignation, at least not until I find a suitable replacement.� Her eyes narrowed even further. �You owe me that much, Remus.�

He nodded and got up to leave her office. He actually loved his job, but it was too hard to see her every day. He hesitated in the doorway, thinking maybe he should apologize for the way he�d acted. As he turned back to say something, he saw that her head rested in her hands.

�Dammit,� she muttered to herself. �Well, I certainly handled that well, didn�t I?�

He watched as she brushed the tears away and hurried out before she saw him, once again overridden with guilt.

Work was considerably lonelier that week. Without Raiyna�s sneak attacks to punctuate the days, they seemed to drag on forever.

***

He was dreading that evening. Although the day of the full moon was always punctuated by loneliness without his three closest Animagi friends, this one was even more so. He�d gotten lax about taking his chocolate drops and was quickly noticing the effect on his stamina. He winded easier and his mind was not as clear on the days leading up to the transformation. He took off his clothes and waited, fighting back the feelings of loneliness and betrayal; self-betrayal. But he had no choice, he had to end it. He just couldn�t risk hurting her. She meant too much to him. He shook his head with regret as the pull of the moon took over his body.

When he awoke to the morning sun, he�d found he hadn�t fared very well the evening before. Even though he�d taken the Wolfsbane Potion, his body was oozing with fresh blood. He knew what that was about. The pain of loss transferred to the wolf, the emotional pain turned physical in the body of the wolf. The control he kept during day was the control he lost during the full moon. The anger he felt toward himself, the anger he kept under lock and key, was released with the fury of an angry wolf, leaving the man to suffer the consequences.

He forced himself to get up that morning, forced himself to eat the Morning After Stew. No one was coming over to take care of him today. He was alone again. He would be alone forever. There was, of course, no other option.

When he heard the knock at the door that evening, he flew off the couch. As he threw open the door, Harry, still with a slight limp, and Hermione were standing there bearing gifts. His disappointment was tempered as Harry and Hermione exchanged hearty hugs with Remus.

�You�re looking well,� observed Hermione.

�Thanks, I�ve been trying some new things. They seem to be working.�

�That�s wonderful, Remus,� she said. �We brought you dinner. This is the first Harry�s felt well enough to get out and we thought we�d drop by and see how you were doing.�

As the food was being prepared and the table set, they talked about how Harry and Hermione and were doing now that they had graduated from Hogwarts and lost many of their good friends, including Ron.

�It hasn�t been easy,� Hermione sighed, tears swelling in her eyes, �but we�re managing.� She cast a glance at Harry who was looking rather downcast as well.

�And what about you, Remus? What have you been up to since the Order?�

�Well, I got a job at Flourish and Blotts. It�s going pretty well actually.� He wondered if his face contradicted the statement he�d just made.

They sat down for dinner and made mostly small talk until Hermione hit a nerve. �Oh when are you going to settle down, Remus?�

Remus felt a flare of anger race through him. His muscles involuntarily twitched. He gripped his mug tighter and took a swig, hoping they hadn�t noticed.

�What�� What did I say?� Hermione asked with concern in her voice.

�Nothing.� Remus stood to clear away the plates while Harry and Hermione exchanged glances.

�Did you meet someone Remus?� Harry asked cautiously.

�That would be wonderful!� chimed in Hermione.

Remus shook his head. �No, it wouldn�t, it isn�t,� he said through gritted teeth, still not looking at them.

Hermione rose and put her hand on his tense shoulder. �Remus, why don�t you sit down, I�ll get you a cup of tea.�

Remus sat, but didn�t look at either of them.

Hermione sat next to him and handed him a cup of tea. �Are you afraid to tell her?� she ventured.

�Tell her what?� It suddenly dawned on him what Hermione was thinking. �Oh, that, no, she already knows. She knew before�� well�� she knew the first time we met.�

�Where did you meet?� asked Harry in an obvious effort to keep the conversation going.

�In the Leaky Cauldron, actually, of all places.� A slight smile crept across his face as he remembered.

�Well, then, what happened?� Hermione asked.

�You two just don�t understand!� he snapped, a note of exasperation in his voice as he ran his hands through his hair. �She can�t have a normal life with me. What was I thinking! She deserves better. She deserves a man who she can count on��every day of the month��and not have to worry about harming her or her children!�

�Ahh�.� said Hermione in her all-knowing tone of voice, nodding her head and clasping her hands together in front of her on the table. �Well, Harry, you know I think he�s right,� she said thoughtfully.

Harry was too stunned to respond.

�I mean, after all, he isn�t very reliable about taking his Wolfsbane Potion, is he?�

Remus raised his eyebrows, highly affronted by Hermione�s assumptions.

�And, of course, he throws all caution to the wind when he�s a wolf. It�s just not safe to walk the streets during a full moon is it?�

�Hermione�� Harry gasped, but she continued as if she�d never been interrupted.

�And then, of course, if they ever had children, well, you just couldn�t be sure whether they�d be babes or pups, now could you?� Hermione carried on dramatically, her eyes settling on Remus as a slow smile spread across his face. Harry looked horrified.

�Shall I go on?� Hermione inquired.

�No, I think I see your point,� Remus said, feeling slightly sheepish but happier all the same.

Hermione glared at Remus. �You know, I could just slap you for saying she deserves better! Remus Lupin, you are one of the nicest men I�ve ever met, and I dare say if I was a few years older, this woman would have a real contender on her hands!�

Remus smiled genuinely for the first time in weeks.

�So how bad did you mess it up?� Harry asked, having finally caught on to Hermione�s antics.

�Well,� Remus thought, �Hmm�.�

�Send her an owl, tell her your sorry,� Harry suggested.

�Yes, you could do that. OR, depending on how badly you messed it up�� Hermione intoned.

***

It was almost closing time when Hermione arrived at Flourish and Blotts, her face fraught with anxiety. �I need to see Ms. Blotts, immediately, it�s urgent.�

The staff member who greeted her looked taken aback by Hermione�s demeanor. �I�ll, I�ll see if I can find her for you.�

The woman returned and ushered Hermione to Raiyna�s office. Raiyna�s face was a bit splotchy.

�I�m sorry, Miss, this really isn�t a good time.� Raiyna said, barely looking at Hermione as she made a show of shuffling papers around her desk.

�It�s Remus,� Hermione stated with an urgent edge to her voice.

Raiyna jumped at the sound of his name, �Is he all right?�

�Well,� Hermione said, �He�s in a right state. I think you better go see him.�

Raiyna faltered. Hermione could read the indecision on her face. Hermione waited patiently, hoping her concern for Remus would win over her anger for how he had treated her.

�He asked specifically for you,� Hermione added, hoping to sway her.
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Under the Moonlight