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Should Have Been	By : Rochelle Category: Harry Potter > Slash - Male/Male Views: 3680 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

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Should Have Been
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Chapter Four

Things ain�t how they used to be

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Sirius didn�t like the way that sounded or the very serious look Remus was wearing, but found himself nodding anyway. Seriously, what else could he do except hear what his once-lover had to say to him?
Besides, he kind of owed it to Remus�
�There are things�things I have to tell you about, before anything can happen between us.� Remus let out a breath. �A lot of things have changed.�
Sirius nodded his understanding, resolving to hear Remus out. He knew, just knew, he wasn�t going to like any of what was about to be said, but he�d listen to it anyway. Remus shifted, clearly nervous, then stood up, picking up his cup as he went. Sirius watched silently, yet unable to smother the grin that curved his lips.
As much as things had changed, apparently they were also very much the same. Fidgeting and being unable to just sit and speak was one of Remus nervous quirks. He�d never been able to say anything remotely important while looking someone in the face; it just wasn�t in his nature. Sirius wasn�t sure what it was exactly, since Remus had always been the �calm, subdued� one among the Marauders. Yet, when he was worried, his body was possessed by a kind of energy that he just couldn�t control until he�d said whatever it was he needed to say.
�I don�t even know where I should start.� Remus� voice floated from the kitchen. Part of Sirius wanted to follow him, but he knew if he tried that he�d just spend the rest of the night chasing the werewolf around. Better to just sit and let the man speak.
�I find the beginning is always a great place.�
A very long pause followed that, and then he heard Remus sigh softly. �Don�t be such a smartarse Sirius, it�s not very endearing.�
�Sorry.�
�You are not.� Remus muttered, sounding torn between amusement and annoyance. He knew Remus was roaming around aimlessly in the other room, but refrained from watching, though he had always enjoyed watching Remus.
Finally. �I slept with Snape.�
That effectively ruined Sirius� resolve. He turned in his seat, staring openly at the werewolf, who was standing in the doorway and blushing bright red. Sirius just stared, finding that he was entirely devoid of�a reaction. His mind had gone totally blank.
Remus bit his lip, fidgeting. �Say something Siri.�
�You�and that�grease-ball?� It took a serious effort to get that out, and once it was out the words seemed to hang in the thick silence between them. He grimaced. �I think I�m going to be sick.�
�Don�t be melodramatic.� Remus said, shoving his hands into the pockets of his jeans.
�I�m not.� Sirius said, shaking his head. �I don�t�why? I thought you hated him.� Snape had surely acted as if he hated Remus in the Shrieking Shack anyway�the anger that man felt towards them was pretty plain.
�Well�I do. And I did.� Remus frowned. �But�things were weird for a little while. After I had Siri and was tricked into keeping him-�
�Why were you tricked into keeping him?� He interrupted, feeling as if he was missing an important event. And, if it had lead up to Remus sleeping with that git, he really felt he should know about it.
�Because�I didn�t want him.� Remus said slowly, crossing his arms over his chest. �I was angry at you. Angry at myself and everyone, including Siri. If Dumbledore hadn�t stepped in I might have lost him before I had him. As it is, I can�t have any more children, so I guess I lucked out with him�though that could be a mixed blessing.� His lips quirked into a bitter smile. �Who knows what may have happened between Snape and I if I didn�t have Siri and had been able to have other kids.�
Sirius was silent for a long moment, trying to make sense of that. Remus hadn�t wanted Siri to begin with, was tricked into keeping him, slept with Snape and�
�Were you�by Snape?�
�Pregnant?� There was that wry amusement again. �For a time. Miscarried. It was�probably the second worst experience of my life.� Sirius really wanted to say he was sorry, really he did, but he found he couldn�t say it. He didn�t want to lie to Remus.
�Whatever we had kind of�fizzled out. I was depressed, which I�ve discovered happens frequently, and he was�upset because I couldn�t get over you.�
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December 1984
�Lupin.�
Remus cracked open an eye and looked up at the window. He could see the reflection of his lover in the window and let out a shuddery breath. His son, two years old now, was curled up on the bed next to him, thick black hair fanned out around him. Remus twirled his fingers in the strands, frowning.
�Severus.�
Being on a first name basis with Snape was odd. Especially since Snape would never make it to a first name basis with him. It was probably for the better, considering how Snape was. Remus doubted he could imagine Snape calling him by anything but �Lupin�.
�How are you?�
�Me? I�m fine.� Snape snorted softly and Remus sighed, curling around his child. Who was destined to be his only child it seemed like. �I am. It�s been two weeks Severus, I�m fine. I�m over it. These things happen. When dealing with male pregnancy certain precautions must be taken and when they are future pregnancies will be very difficult and, in some cases, impossible.� He wasn�t crying, he wasn�t crying. Fuck. �Its probably for the better, I�m not exactly the world�s best father, what with all the �accidents�.�
His son�s hair, he realized, was getting wet. He rubbed at his eyes.
�That was very calm and logical Lupin, I�m impressed. Though the fact it�s all bullshit you�re repeating from Poppy lessens that feeling somewhat.�
�Shut up.� Remus whispered harshly. �It�s the truth.�
�I don�t understand you Lupin. When you had Siri you were perfectly indifferent and refused to care what happened to him, in spite of how much you care for Black.�
�I do not care-�
�Yet this child you lose and I can see how much it hurts you�but its pretty clear whatever you feel for me isn�t what you feel for him. Not that I care, particularly, but I can�t help but wonder if how much you love him gave you the strength to hate his child so much.�
�Are you done with that psychoanalytic shit?� Remus asked, rolling over to face Snape.
The man was dressed in all black, per usual, and his deathly pale skin contrasted with it nicely. Remus wasn�t going to lie, Snape would never be the �heartthrob� that Sirius had been, but he was certainly handsome in his own fashion. If you could get past how cold he could be, you could see that he had good qualities.

Too bad he�s not Sirius. A traitorous voice in his mind whispered.
He pushed it aside and started picking at a loose thread in the duvet. �I wanted this child. You wanted it. You were happy. Shit, you smiled. The only time you smile is around the kids, but you smiled when I told you.�
�I won�t lie, I was happy.�
�I thought�I thought we could be happy together. I thought this was a chance to forget all of that other stuff. I thought I could give you this child and you�d stop thinking about him.�
Him being Sirius. Not his son, of course, but the man. And maybe his son. No matter how close he and Snape may be Remus would always have Sirius Black�s son. Maybe he�d hoped a child with Snape would balance it out.
�I have a son.� Snape said, tone mild, but Remus could feel the sudden edge it gained. �Possibly two. And, I thought you were aware, I do�love Siri like he was my own. He does tend to grow on you.�
Like an extremely cute fungus.
�I know that. Its just��
�You thought you could make the fact you care more about someone who betrayed you and took everything from you, than you do about me, go away by having my child and making us some perfect family.� He laughed and it sounded so harsh that that Remus flinched. Siri stirred in his sleep but didn�t wake up. �For someone of such intelligence, your constant idiocy does amaze me. Be realistic. I�m twenty-eight and I�ve killed people. I�ve used curses someone like you would cringe to hear spoken about, I�ve torn people apart and had my hands stained with blood of Muggles and Wizards alike. I had a child with a psychopath and, unfortunately, my relationship luck hasn�t improved.
�And you�I don�t even know what to call you anymore Lupin...just an insane, depressed werewolf whore, I suppose.�
�Unca� Severus! Chase�s hittin� me.� The agitated voice of Snape�s �nephew� floated through the many halls of the manor. Snape turned, looking down the hallway, then looked back at Remus, who was sitting up now and staring at him. Snape watched him for a moment, silent, then turned and walked away to handle the newest problem his charges were causing.
Remus bowed his head for a moment then drew in a deep breath, trying to keep himself calm. �Siri, wake up.� When the toddler didn�t stir Remus reached and shook him. Sleepy blue eyes cracked.
�Daddy?�
�Com�n baby. We�re going to go visit Grandpa Albus for a little while.�
�But�wanna stay wit� Unca� Sna.� Siri�s bottom lip quivered and Remus growled sharply, really not in the mode. Siri squeaked and then, where the toddler had once sat, was a small black puppy, looking at him with wide blue eyes. He sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose, before scooping the cub up.
�You can visit Uncle Snape later, promise. But right now Daddy needs to go away.�
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�He called you a whore?�
�He had a point.� Remus leaned against the doorframe heavily. �I should have known better from the get-go. You may be a total ass who thinks much too highly of himself, and you may not have been worth half the trouble you put me through, but you are damn near impossible to get over, or forget. And Snape will never be you, and he knew that. I thought if I had a child he�d stay. I tried to trap him.�
�I�m sorry.� This time he meant it. He hated to think that Remus had been lonely for the past thirteen years because of him. Even Snape would have been better than that. (Not much better.)
�Oh, you are not.� Remus snorted. �Anyway, I slept with Snape. Lived with him for about a year and a half after I left the house. We parted badly and went back to mutual animosity. Siri still has this strange fondness for him though.�
��I don�t believe you slept with Snape.�
�It was Dumbledore�s fault. He made me live with him. And I wasn�t in my right mind.�
�For over a year. Remmie, that�s just�wrong.�
�Well I know that now.� Remus paused. �Though, he isn�t so bad. Somebody, someday, who has a limitless amount of patience and doesn�t mind sarcasm all day long, will be really lucky.�
�Oh, god, I can�t believe I�m hearing this.� Sirius was pretty sure he was now borderline traumatized. He was going to need years of therapy to wash away the image of Remus, his Remmie, with�that slime ball. He put a hand over his eyes and groaned, shaking his head.
�Well, it was a long time.� Remus murmured, scratching his head. �I�m not saint after all.�
�But Snape. I�ll never be able to look at him and not want to be sick again.� (Which, when he considered it, wasn�t too much different than how he felt about Snape now.)
��You�re thinking about it? Christ, Sirius, get your over-active imagination under control.� Remus was blushing again. He looked torn between horror and embarrassment. �We aren�t sixteen anymore you know, you should be able to turn that off.�
�I�m trying.�
Like he wanted to think about it. He crossed his arms over his chest, feeling a little sullen. He couldn�t explain it, but the thought of Snape touching what was so clearly his made�something inside of him stir angrily. It wasn�t right, and it wasn�t as if Snape hadn�t known he�d laid a claim to Remus years ago.
He was shocked Snape hadn�t gloated over the affair.
�Stop pouting.�
�Remmie its just�Snape. Wait. Snape has kids? Someone else slept with Snape? What the hell is the world coming to?�
Remus shook his head and started to walk away. �I�m going to bed. The guest bedroom is made up.�
��Remmie-� Upstairs had been the guest rooms. The room Siri used as a studio had been the room Lily and James had used, the room Sirius suspected was his bedroom was where Peter had slept, and the attic had been supposed to belong to Harry.
�The study. Siri pretty much rules the second floor and the attic�well, I�m hoping we might eventually use it for what it was intended.�
Harry.
Sirius stood up and walked out of the room. The lights went out immediately, while the lights in the hallway came on, only to go out as Sirius passed them.
�Anything else you should be telling me?�
Remus shrugged. �There is plenty I could tell, but nothing I have to tell you. I just thought you should know about that.�
�Because I�m so much happier for it.� Sirius deadpanned. Remus stopped and turned, frowning at him. Sirius stopped as well, to keep from running into the other man, and arched an eyebrow.
�I told you because I want to be honest with you Sirius, no other reason. You know I still love you and I don�t think its right to have huge secrets as soon as you get back. Best to start off with a clean slate, you know?�
�I understand.� Sirius said, looking around nervously. He didn�t want to upset Remus; really he didn�t, but�Snape. The man they�d spent seven years hating and tormenting�and Remus slept with him�lived with him. With their son. �Just�not what I expected.�
�I would think none of this is what you expected and�I�m sorry.� Remus sighed and took a step away from him.
�For what?�
�Dumping all of this onto you at once.�
�Don�t be. I�m not. Sorry about all of this, that is.� He paused, trying to put it into words. �I mean�it�s weird, having a kid, but it�s a good kind of weird. Like�it�s me and you and�we have a family. Weird though it clearly is.�
Remus laughed, leaning against the wall. �Yeah. A family. A werewolf, a dog, and a puppy.� He slid down to the floor and bowed his head. �It�s fucking brilliant.�
Sirius crouched down in front of the other man and Remus glanced up from underneath his lashes. �Are you okay?�
�I think I�m having a nervous breakdown. I wouldn�t worry much, this would be my fourth in the past thirteen years.�
�That�s not encouraging.�
�If you think that�s bad you should hear my sanity report from the ministry.� He laughed again and shook his head. �Today has been a little stressful. But you are reacting much bettering than I thought you were, and certainly a lot better than I am.�
Sirius nodded his agreement then frowned slightly. �So�how�d you think I was going to react?�

�I was hoping good but�well optimism was always your strong suit, not mine. I didn�t�� He paused, as if he was trying to word it correctly. �I wasn�t sure you�d want us�him, after all of this time. More him then me�I think I could have lived if you hated me or didn�t want what we used to have but I needed you to want him. You know, after everything�I needed you to accept him, at least.
�I was afraid you wouldn�t. That you�d look at him and reject him and�I couldn�t take that. He�s my son and I know I�ve been dismal in the parenting department, but I felt like I owed him a father. Someone he could look at and claim and say was his father. That�s why I couldn�t tell you before. I was so�afraid. What would I tell him if you hadn�t wanted him? I�m sorry, but you aren�t good enough�he�s heard so much of that growing up, people looking down at him because of who his parents are, or who they aren�t and the fact that he didn�t know. At least his parents should accept him, right?
�I owe him so much.� Remus trailed off. �So I tried to plan the best way to tell you, and just ended up putting it off.�

�Well, it probably would have been a bad idea to just blurt �By the way, I had your child while you were in jail� in the Shrieking Shack anyway.� Sirius said, trying to lighten the sudden darkness that had settled on Remus� face.

�It would have been a bit awkward wouldn�t it?� Remus said, looking at his hands. Sirius could tell that his attempt at humor had fallen short.

�I think so.� Sirius said. He reached over and put a hand under Remus� chin and forced him to look up. Remus looked a little surprised but didn�t pull away. �Wanted to make sure you were paying attention. I want you. I have always wanted you. No less now that we�re kind of old and really screwed up, then when we were young and kind of screwed up. And I want our son.�
Remus let out a small noise that Sirius took for relief. He would have thought it obvious he was okay with what was going on here, but sometimes Remus needed to hear things�to be reassured. Sirius certainly didn�t mind telling Remus that he wanted him. There were worse ways he could spend his time.
�And why would I hate you?�

Remus was silent for a moment then he licked his bottom lip. �Because I didn�t try to do anything to help you. I just�believed what everyone was telling me. I never tried to find out for myself and I was so ready to believe you were guilty even though I should have known better.�

Sirius surprised himself by snorting. �Truthfully I thought I was guilty for a while. It was�pretty damning wasn�t it?� A small ghost of amusement touched Remus� eyes but Sirius could tell the werewolf wasn�t going to let go of whatever guilt he had so easily.

Then again, Remus wasn�t exactly the only one here that felt guilty about how everything had happened and the things that could have happened. He couldn�t help but think that if he hadn�t doubted Remus, thought that maybe he couldn�t keep their secret if he was living with Remus, then he never would have ended up asking Lily and James to use Peter asir sir secret keeper. He didn�t he�d ever be able to forgive himself for that mistake.
Certainly not now. He RemuRemus could have had a family. For all he knew Siri and Harry could be great friends and Lily and James could be alive and�a lot of things could be different.
�Did you ever expect to be so completely pathetic before you hit forty?�
�Remmie, I never expected to hit forty. I�m not sure if you realize this�but we�re old.�
Remus tilted his head back and laughed, loudly. Sirius was silent for a moment, taken aback by the sight of his former lover laughing like that. It was loud and seemed to encompass the irony of his words perfectly.
Sirius wanted to kiss him rather badly.
So he did. He swallowed Remus� laughter, taking the emotion for his own, and long calloused fingers twined in his hair, pulling his closer. What had been hesitant before was now wanting�needing, and Sirius was happy to give.
But he did have to breath so he broke the kiss, gasping. Remus was staring at him; almost as wide-eyed as the first time he had kissed him. He recalled it well, in the library, at the table, in front of at least twenty students. It�d been a chaste closed mouth kiss, but Remus� first and thus�more than what it had been.
�Remmie-�
�I�I have to go.� Remus breathed, pushing him away some and climbing to his feet. His wobbled a little bit, looking dazed, then looked down at him and swallowed.
�Wait, Remus,� He stood up and put a hand on the other man�s shoulder, keeping him from leaving. He could feel Remus� breath against his cheek, as the man was breathing heavily. �Remmie-�
�Sirius, please.� Remus looked at him pleadingly. Sirius stared at him and, with a sigh, let his hands drop to his sides. How could he refuse Remus anything? Remus flashed him a small smile then slide past him and walked down the hallway to where their bedroom was�. To where Remus� bedroom was now.
It wasn�t really his anymore.
�Siri, you have to understand.� Remus was looked at him again golden eyes showing that he wanted Sirius as much as Sirius wanted him. �I�m not ready yet. And if I keep letting you touch me I won�t be able to say no.�
Sirius� lips twitched. He couldn�t help but think that wasn�t as horrible a thing as Remus wanted it to be, but the werewolf looked so serious that he had to nod his understanding. Remus nodded back then slide into his bedroom, door shutting softly after him.
Sirius stood, watching the door for a moment, then let out a sigh. This was not going to be easy.

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Mango: Yeah, I adored that entire chapter. Got to show off my new �more grown up� version of Remus and some Da/Son interaction, which was great�lol. I love writing this stuff�
Gypsy: Yep. Once OotP came out I knew I was going to have to scrap the last story and re-do it to make it fit, because we saw a little more of Remmie and a lot more of Sirius, and this gave me more insight into their personalities and�yeah. (Only downside is now my Remus is more prone to nervous breakdowns�)
Lovergirl: Yeah, no one likes a cliffhanger. Sorry.
Moon Glaze: I love the Siri and Remus interaction. I�m trying to work Sirius� personality in there and thus far its working pretty good.
TTF: Basically. They tried to have Remus declared unfit to parents (which maybe he was, its up to debate) and, when they didn�t win, tried to claim Sirius� house as next of kin. This went on for a few years and, eventually, they lost and it became rightfully Remus� and/or Siri�s.
Alice: Yep, slow and steady makes the fic. They�ll make up soon, but don�t think that means the issues are over. They both has stuff to work on�they just work on it better together. And trust me, you only think you want faster updates. I update once a week to give myself a chance to stay ahead and, should I hit writers block, to have chapters ready while I sort it out.
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Should Have Been